Original subtitles

In the not too distant future

Somewhere in time and space

Mike Nelson and his robot pals

Are caught in an endless chase

Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl

An evil gal who wants to rule the world

She threw a few things in her purse

And in her rocket ship she hunts him

All across the universe

PEARL: I'll get you!

I'll send him cheesy movies

The worst I can find

La-la-la

He'll have to sit and watch them all

And I'll monitor his mind

La-la-la

Now keep in mind Mike can't control

Where the movies begin or end

La-la-la

He'll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his robot friends

Robot Roll Call:

-Cambot. -You're on!

-Gypsy. -Oh, my stars!

-Tom Servo. -Check me out.

-Crow! -I'm different!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

And other science facts

La-la-la

Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,

I should really just relax"

For Mystery Science Theater

Hi, everyone, Mike Nelson here.

Welcome to the Satellite of Love,

and once again, we're lost...

[ Clears throat ]

Is there something wrong, Crow?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, you want me, baby.

Hit it, Servo.

-MIKE: All right, who? -Yeah, come on, Mike.

Don't act like you haven't heard my trademark catchphrase,

loved by millions.

"You know you want me, baby."

Yeah.

It's new to me.

Oh, don't play coy.

People everywhere are standing around water coolers,

chuckling over my high jinks from the night before,

especially when I roll out my lovable chestnut,

"You know you want me, baby."

You know what, I have never heard that before

in my entire life.

Oh, sure you have. I say it all the time, Mike.

I'm a cultural icon,

bigger than that Ray J. Johnson guy

-in his prime. -SERVO: Yeah.

America, you know you want me, baby.

Can't you feel the slightest bit bad

about just pulling a catchphrase out of thin air?

Now, this was embraced by the people, Mike.

It didn't come from me.

-Yes, it did. -Well, all right.

Well, that may be true,

but I have to justify this huge t-shirt order.

-I mean, look at this stuff. -Yeah, you know,

I was wondering about that.

Yup, two million of them.

MIKE: Yeah.

CROW: And I know what you're thinking looking at that.

Where's the B?

Yeah-- No, no, no.

I mean-- I mean, you know you want me, baby.

SERVO: Come on. Come on, work.

-Exactly, we'll be right back. -SERVO: Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid stinking...!

♪♪

So, these are the catchphrases I can chose from, huh?

Yup.

Oh, wait, wait, there's a pretty good one.

Kiss off, Sloppy.

-I like that. -SERVO: That's great.

Nah, that's not really for me.

Oh, here's one that ought to get the kids going.

We're all out of toner.

-CROW: Uh. -SERVO: Oh, boy.

Don't run on my wet floor.

-SERVO: Oh, man. -CROW: Jeez.

Secretary, please read the minutes from the last...

-CROW: Yeah, right. -SERVO: Pathetic.

Let go off it, Slappy.

SERVO: Oh, knock it off, Mike.

-Jeez. -MIKE: Oh, all right.

Well, Pearl's calling now.

-SERVO: I said, cut it out. -No, it's not.

She is, it's...

SERVO: Oh, sorry.

Standby.

♪♪

[ Telephone ringing ]

Oh, go.

Hello, and welcome back to day one

of our Public Pearl Pledge Drive.

That clip you just saw was,

of course, Are You Being Served?

Just one of the many quality programs

that you'll see here on Public Pearl.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Hey, Nell Bell, I just remembered

how much squats Public Television pulls down,

so I had Brain Ball whip me up

this set and, viola,

it's Pledge Drive time.

From now on, I'm playing the ponies

on some well-meaning liberal's coin.

Ka-ching!

Let's go talk to one of our great volunteers.

-Hi, what's your name? -ORTEGA: [ Grunting ]

Ortega? That's pretty.

What's your favorite show

here on Public Pearl?

ORTEGA: [ Grunting ]

Oh, sure, I love that show.

Jeremy Bread is one of the best.

-ORTEGA: [ Grunting ] -Thanks for helping out.

ORTEGA: [ Grunting ]

Now, remember, folks,

if you pledge at the $150

Golden Producer Level,

you'll receive this sturdy tote bag,

emblazoned in over its entire surface

with the color brown.

Give a call, won't you?

Wow, Mike, this is so cool. You know, with all the money

I take from you, I can get one of those cool tote bags,

which is great, because I have, like,

so much stuff I need to tote.

Why, just this morning, you know, I was toting something,

only it wasn't in anything,

so no matter how I tried to tote it,

it fell all over the place.

Servo, she's just gonna use our money

to send us more bad movies.

SERVO: What? Oh, sure, sure.

Just go sit in front of your stupid Network TV

you cheap facist...

Oh, hello.

Yeah, say, I wanna do my part

to get one of those cool tote bags.

So, how much of Mike's money do you need?

-ORTEGA: [ Grunting ] -SERVO: Oh, great.

I'll pay you cash...

If you contribute,

you'll see fine shows

like Mike Nelson's

Lord of the Dance,

or this quality nature program,

The Nature of Bobo.

Let's watch, won't we?

[ Monkeys screeching ]

The, uh, mountain gorilla

subsists almost solely on fruit,

and nuts,

and, uh, uh...

Beef and bean changarrito with extra Paso sauce.

Having lived among this magnificent creature

for years, I have gained its trust.

-And, thereby, I am... -Hey, that reminds me,

Brain Guy, I borrowed you a sweater

and you never returned it.

I don't trust you anymore.

Having challenged me thusly, I must reassert my dominance,

thereby enabling me to live

among these great beasts for many a year to come.

Just...

He-yaa!

Oh. [ Groans ]

Oh, sauce.

Wow.

Just a sample of the kind of thing

that you'll see here

on Public Pearl.

And now, sit back and enjoy

this special nine-part series

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank,

starring the late Raul Julia,

a very wonderful actor.

What was he doing in this piece

of sh--surely very quality,

quality programming?

It was produced by one of my affiliates,

WNET in New York.

Please enjoy,

and we'll be back later.

[ Telephone ringing ]

SERVO: Give me, come on,

there's still so much more to tote.

Let go of it, man.

Oh, sure, Mike,

just go watch your Websters and your Facts of Lifeses,

and your Who's the Bossesesses?

-No. -Okay, we got-- Oh.

Movie sign.

SERVO: Oh, boy.

APOLLONIA: How was I supposed to know Day 276

was going to be as wild as it turned out to be?

My life as a Computech was calm and simple,

but that was before I met Aram Fingal.

CROW: AKA Gomez.

SERVO: Yeah.

APOLLONIA: My name is Apollonia James.

CROW: Oh, right.

APOLLONIA: And I work in Nirvana Village

monitoring doppels.

MIKE: I'm sure you do.

APOLLONIA: I remember thinking

that Fingal didn't seem the doppeling kind.

MIKE: So, Fingal didn't doppel?

APOLLONIA: He had the most unusual eyes.

CROW: They were made of Mylar.

SERVO: [ Imitates train engine sound ]

MIKE: Corpse body.

APOLLONIA: As it turned out,

everything went wrong with Fingal's doppel.

SERVO: Hmm.

APOLLONIA: He lost his body, and I almost lost my mind.

CROW: Which wasn't a major loss,

but still pretty annoying.

SERVO: Oh, if only she spoke French.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

♪♪

MAN: This lovely Raul Julia pendant

available only on the Home Shopping Network.

CROW: It's a Raulbik's cube.

SERVO: Yeah, he's-- see, I thought he was Puerto Rican.

-I didn't know that he was MIKE: No, don't say it

SERVO: Cube-an! MIKE: Oh.

CROW: Raul, you come right back

and be in this bad movie, young man.

SERVO: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero.

MIKE: And now, the news.

SERVO: That's a New York Public TV Station.

What, did Pearl accidentally sent us MacNeil-Lehrer Report?

CROW: I don't know, you think

Mark Russell is gonna be in this?

-MIKE: Uh, no. -CROW: Gee.

SERVO: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That is funny.

CROW: Wanda Cannon, now, that's a porno name

if I ever heard one.

Not that I've ever heard one.

MIKE: All right.

CROW: And, you know, I don't subscribe

to lots of publications or anything.

Uh, never mind.

MAN: As of this business...

-MIKE: Wow, TV's Frank. -SERVO: Wow, Frank.

SERVO: He's really come up in the world.

CROW: Frank.

MAN: ...by four percent.

Let Lexicorp deal with that.

We will win. Novicorp is communication.

He's kind of

a Dickensian-character of-the-future sort of thing.

MAN: And communication is civilization.

SERVO: Did I imagine it, Mike, or did a chubby angel

with Gin Blossoms just visit us?

Go get...

CROW: Still, this is easier than reading Wired Magazine .

MIKE: Yeah, they're showing us the Tubby Guy's angioplasty.

CROW: [ Laughs ]

SERVO: You know, I've produced a lot of stuff

I don't want the world to see.

CROW: SAT farms of the future.

APOLLONIA: Fingal's problem started the day before we met.

He was working in the data flow center of Novicorp

as a processor third-class.

He had a terrible job.

Monitoring routine data output on global climate control.

SERVO: And its effect on Bugs Bunny.

APOLLONIA: But he thought he's found a way

to outwit the system

and do something different with his time.

SERVO: Man, never show a good movie

in the middle of your crappy movie.

APOLLONIA: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks

before they caught him.

MIKE: Data entering with no pants.

SERVO: [ Humming ]

CROW: We now return to Billy Madison.

MAN: Aram Fingal, you are creating

an efficiency problem.

Access is terminated.

Report to Psychist now.

Report to Psychist now.

Do you know how long it took me to find the cinema bus master?

MAN: Report to Psychist now.

SERVO: Yes, Aram Fingal from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Felicia, can I borrow your machine

for a couple of minutes, please?

SERVO: Felicia?

[ Machine beeping ]

Thank you.

CROW: UPS fashions of the future!

♪♪

APOLLONIA: Fingal's ability to figure out computers

was amazing, and still is.

Somehow he managed to break

into a closed file called cinemas.

MIKE: Wow.

-Really, really big brother. -FELIX: Of the year...

of the decade.

SERVO: Hey, someone, turn off the fat rotating guy.

MAN: It is Novicorp that speaks for the future.

APOLLONIA: Only the all all-powerful chairman

of Novicorp was allowed access,

but Fingal had found a way.

His supervisor thought he just had a bad work attitude,

so she sent him to a psychist, you know how loony they are.

-CROW: Oh, sure. -What have you done, Mister...?

-SERVO: Fingal. -WOMAN: ...Fingal.

-FINGAL: Nothing. -MAN: Processor third-class.

You did something.

MIKE: It's Merv Griffin.

MAN: Ask about his mother.

SERVO: Ask if she wears army boots.

Do you love your mother?

FINGAL: My mother, yes I--

She died a long time ago.

WOMAN: You used your computer

for unauthorized viewing of cinemas?

FINGAL: I was just trying to find some way

to stay awake.

MAN: Fingal is out of supervisor's control.

CROW: The password is Fingal.

SERVO: Fing.

Hmm, nice yabos.

MAN: Diagnosis of Fingal is now complete,

48-hour compulsory rehab,

Nirvana Village.

Prophylactic Rehab, Fingal.

-MIKE: Retread his condom? -CROW: I guess so.

WOMAN: Weekend doppel at Nirvana Village

and you'll come back to work relaxed,

with everything solved.

Doctor, nothing's wrong with me.

WOMAN: I'm sure you'll have a successful rehab.

You can trust my diagnosis, Mister...

-MAN: Fingal. -WOMAN: ...Fingal.

SERVO: So, aging lesbian nuns run the future.

MIKE: [ Laughs ]

♪ Imagine me and you and you and me ♪

♪ No matter how they toss the dice ♪

♪ We'll always be ♪

Felicia, I just got the news. Not good.

Fingal, I have data to process.

You don't understand,

they're sending me off for a compulsory rehab.

Novicorp is always generous. It'll do you good.

I don't need a rehab.

Oh, I'm sure you do, or they wouldn't be sending you.

I need other things, Felicia.

SERVO: I need you to sealcoat my driveway.

You need your rehab, Fingal.

I mean your at-work attitude isn't exactly what it might be.

Everyone's noticed it.

How can I concentrate on my data processing

when you're sitting across the aisle from me?

You could get your desk changed.

-SERVO: [ Mumbling ] -FINGAL: Listen, Felicia.

I've asked you out 67 times,

-you're always saying no... - CROW: Huh?

FINGAL: ...and now I'm going down to Nirvana Village

and being doppeled.

CROW: Big tanning booth.

FINGAL: Anything could happen to me.

APOLLONIA: Fingal's worries

about doppeling were a little out of date.

In the five years I had worked in Nirvana Village,

nothing had ever gone wrong,

but, of course,

almost everyone doppeled voluntarily.

Fingal was my first compulsory doppel.

SERVO: I didn't wanna bungle or bobble the Fingal doppel.

They're just sleepwalkers.

MIKE: Hello?

Never saw a cinema in their lives.

CROW: Never saw a Chris Farley movie, Philistines.

Nothing anti-Corp about it.

SERVO: Anti-Corp.

[ Beeping ]

SERVO: Oh, someone calling on the steel drum.

MAN: Day 275 termination in five minutes.

Okay, so it's my first doppel.

SERVO: I've only dabbled in doppels.

Maybe it'll be good for me.

[ Beeping ]

-MAN: Day 276... -CROW: He's staying

-at Bill Gates' house. -MAN: ...wakeup call

at 06:17 hours, Nirvana Village transpod departure 07:00.

♪ Well, I hear the transpod coming ♪

♪ It's coming around the bend ♪

MAN: ...is starting to work.

SERVO: Does this train go uptown?

MAN: ...to say is that Lexicorp must be stopped.

SERVO: Oh.

Fine-looking guy in the chairman.

-A little... -SERVO: He's pregnant?

Is that...

MAN: My friend...

So, we'll be down in Nirvana Village anytime now, huh?

Yes.

Have you ever been doppeled before?

-First time? -Yeah.

MAN: Let me tell you something.

Try it as a horse.

Stallion, always good the first time out.

That'd be real megabucks.

MAN: Uh-hmm, 600, 700.

I got 47 credits.

What kind of a doppel do you think that buys?

An anteater, maybe.

CROW: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere.

MIKE: [ Laughs ]

♪♪

SERVO: Paneling world.

Paneling world, paneling world.

Paneling world, paneling world.

♪ Come, as you are ♪

♪ To my mall, to my atrium, yeah, yeah ♪

SERVO: Oh, look, there must be a Jack-in-the-Box

in the food court.

CROW: Yeah.

APOLLONIA: So, that's why Fingal was ordered to report

to Nirvana reception,

and that's when I saw him for the first time.

SERVO: As previously seen.

APOLLONIA: I guess it wasn't

just his eyes.

He had this special attitude. He didn't quite fit in.

I know most people thought he was a pain in the neck,

but I never felt that,

even when things were at their worst.

-Have a good doppel. -CROW: Okay, governor.

Next?

SERVO: We'll be right there.

-Okay. -Ident?

SERVO: That's a shame, maybe you need a polyvinyl coating.

[ Beeping ]

Compulsory rehab?

I was thinking about a stallion.

Your credit, you should take what you can get.

FINGAL: What's that?

CROW: Bullocks.

A mangy old baboon.

A baboon?

Name's Daisy. Good luck, buddy.

FINGAL: What's so funny?

I don't have to do this, you know.

Suit yourself.

SERVO: You rummy Laurie.

You know the rules.

No rehab card, no work.

No work, no credits.

No credits, nothing.

Zip.

MIKE: Oh, I lost a tooth.

Doopeling rooms is over there.

CROW: Bloody Darby.

SERVO: Fashioned.

Dum-dum-dum-dum.

APOLLONIA: My workload that day

looked like the usual bunch of doppelers,

people going on short doppeling vacations,

looking for a new thrill.

Having their personalities

inserted into wild animals,

so they could experience the world

through different eyes.

MIKE: Oh, yeah, old guys becoming pandas.

-That's the future. -SERVO: It looks that way.

CROW: I'm Daisy, I like poetry, rottenfruit,

and flinging my filth.

APOLLONIA: I just gotten to Fingal's data file

when Djamilla came on shift.

SERVO: Yo, Djamilla.

DJAMILLA: Okay, kid, my turn,

unless you wanna work my shift.

Just one second.

MAN: Mandatory rehab

unauthorized interface

with blocked cinema file.

APOLLONIA: So he'd been scrolling up cinemas.

CROW: Yeah, that's been established.

APOLLONIA: That was the word you only heard whispers about.

That time I didn't even know what one was.

SERVO: Of course I didn't know what string was, either.

How do you supposed he managed to scroll up cinemas?

SERVO: It's Alt+7.

Forget it.

That's why he's doing rehab in a starving worn-out baboon,

and we're in here getting fat on Flavo-Fibes.

CROW: Yeah, you big tubs.

MIKE: [ Laughs ]

SERVO: Oh, they opened a syntho-flavo-door.

MIKE: Gee.

MAN: Good morning, Doppeler Fingal.

The light shower you will receive

will sanitize you so that we can protect

the Nirvana Village wildlife.

MIKE: You are supposed to be nude

while your suit is cleaning.

MAN: This is an identicube.

The first step in doppeling

is to transfer your total identity

to the cube.

-Once the... -I've learned about identicubes

when I was six, stupid.

SERVO: Lucy.

MAN: The identicube is then implanted into...

Wait a minute.

SERVO: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Techno crap, blah, blah.

MAN: ...every minute of your priceless

doppeling adventure...

Forty-seven credits, every unit I have.

Good morning, Mr. Fingal,

you are about to begin doppeling.

My name is Apollonia James.

SERVO: I forgot for a sec.

I am the Computech

who will be monitoring your doppel.

SERVO: Nice baboon.

Okay.

Fine with me.

We have to keep to our schedule, Mr. Fingal.

Now, please sit down.

CROW: Please, I can see your little Fingal.

You'll find a fresh glass of cold Reconst

next to your chair.

SERVO: Reconst D, man.

APOLLONIA: We want you to understand about your DP.

You know, it's ridiculous, them sending me here for a rehab.

All I did was spend some time looking at cinemas.

-Did you ever see one? -SERVO: Yeah, cinemas.

No, I'm afraid not.

FINGAL: Oh, you don't know what you're missing.

They're really something.

If you finished your Reconst,

we'd better done with my explanation.

Since you are a first-time doppeler,

we'll be installing a DP,

that's a doppel plug in your brain.

-SERVO: Eww. -What?

APOLLONIA: A DP is a permanent installation,

so making your identicube in the future

will just be a matter of a few moments.

It causes no pain

and is easily covered by any normal hair growth.

FINGAL: Wait a minute.

I change my mind. Some other time.

Sit down, Mr. Fingal.

SERVO: You need to tinkle, Fingal?

Nothing to worry about.

SERVO: How about some Pringles, Fingal?

Trust me.

MIKE: Just gonna bandsaw the top of your head off.

Just relax.

Take a deep breath.

[ Machine beeping ]

CROW: Not that deep.

APOLLONIA: You might be interested to know

that doppeling comes from the German,

"Doppelganger," meaning "double" or "twin".

MIKE: We were gonna call it strudel-ganger, but...

Have a good Safari, Mr. Fingal.

CROW: I seem to have died. Is that okay?

MIKE: [ Laughs ]

SERVO: Beauty School Drop Out.

Eww.

MIKE: Oh, I envy him right now.

Over here.

SERVO: Mike, the comic relief lady is making me very tense.

MIKE: Yeah, me too.

Sorry about that, fella.

MIKE: The Right Tots.

-MAN: Welcome... -WOMAN: Marco?

MAN: ...students of school 592.

-WOMAN: Have you seen Marco? -MAN: Your tour has now reached

the doppeling transit zone.

You are requested to respect the privacy of all doppelers.

CROW: Don't fondle the doppels.

Marco.

Oh, what's this?

A routing tag.

Each color has a different destination,

green for the slumber room,

yellow for organ transplant, and so on.

And blue like this?

Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.

Is it sexy?

We'll talk about it later.

Now, come along.

The class is waiting in the doppeling room.

SERVO: Oh, that littlest sexual deviant.

[ Laughs ]

CROW: I'll kill him.

WOMAN: Remember not to touch anything.

CROW: You'll grow hair on your palms.

No.

Oh, Desiree, you could've gotten mustard

-all over his brain. -DESIREE: Ow.

SERVO: Is his brain sexy?

DESIREE: Brains don't have feeling,

you told us that.

WOMAN: I also told you to wipe your hands clean after eating.

SERVO: The Children of the Damned Day

at the Brain Institute here?

-CROW: I guess so. -WOMAN: It's the same thing.

DESIREE : Isn't eating is when you sit down?

WOMAN: All right, wipe your hands after eating

and snacking.

-No! -SERVO: No!

I'd like to see you doppeled into a toad.

Dummy, only a retard would wanna be a medico.

-SERVO: Wow. -Nice talk.

All right, class, what is the medico doing?

DESIREE: Making an identicube.

That's right.

Making a copy of his whole identity,

and what is it called?

SERVO: There's your precious Canadian

healthcare system at work.

MIKE: [ Laughs ]

MAN: Computech James,

you may access the Fingal Personal Data File.

His mother was Emmaline Ozmondo Fingal.

-CROW: Hello, dear. -MAN: Deceased.

Aram Fingal, who was educated at BosNYWash Central,

graduated 997th in his class.

Okay...uh...

when I unplug the identicube...

-CROW: Yeah. -...you'll have a blank

until it's inserted into the host, okay?

CROW: Right there with you -Okay?

Bye-bye, Fingal.

CROW: Get that cat out of here.

[ Machine beeping ]

SERVO: Hey, stereo cats.

MIKE: Dr. Marcia Clark.

MAN: Preparations for Fingal doppel are complete,

48-hour doppel begun.

CROW: Dr. Who... the hell cares.

MIKE: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art,

and I'm like sleeping right now, too.

CROW: Yeah.

SERVO: Oh, Whistler's Baboon in Repose.

-Hey. -MIKE: What the...?

SERVO: A doppel.

CROW: And I'm unfeeling suddenly.

FINGAL: At least, I'm not an anteater.

SERVO: This movie just hates anteaters.

-SERVO: What's the deal? -CROW: Unbelievable.

SERVO: Oh, I got to run in these, they're new.

FINGAL: Not much to look at.

It's gonna be pretty boring just sitting on this rock all day.

Hey, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it.

I got here first.

This is my rock.

That's sex discrimination.

How's Daisy doing?

Holding her own.

She just might make it all the way through this doppel.

CROW: Surely, this will cure him of his love of cinemas.

SERVO: [ Laughs ]

FINGAL: This is costing every credit I have.

MIKE: He's gonna start flinging in any minute now.

FINGAL: Hey, that looks more exciting.

SERVO: Hey, extreme babooning.

MIKE: Looks like fun. I wonder if I could do that.

CROW: Well, that does look fun, Mike.

If I could do that, I'd basically never stop.

MIKE: Yeah.

FINGAL: Can't get the hang of it.

It's harder than I thought.

MIKE: He's clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater.

-APOLLONIA: Fingal. -FINGAL: Yeah.

DJAMILLA: Seven hours of doppling time elapsed,

program proceeding normally.

MIKE: Flame of fire's go...

-CROW: Here, boy. -SERVO: Come on, honey.

Henry, where are you?

Henry.

Come on.

Come on, honey.

-Come on down. It's okay. -Honey.

[ Whistles ]

Hi, hi.

-Henry. -Henry, come on.

Honey.

Come on, boy.

-Hi, Mike. -Hi.

-Hello? -Come on.

Okay.

Who wants to start?

Crow does.

Well, Mike, we like Daisy in the movie so much,

we thought it'd be fun to have a monkey.

Oh, yeah, so we ordered one from Instant Monkeys Online.

Yeah.

And it came instantly, just like the ad says.

"Get your monkey instantly with Instant Monkeys Online!"

And as soon as it got here, it escaped from its box,

and it submissively urinated all over your shoes, so...

-Yeah, well-- What? -Yeah.

Well, we think it's a sign of affection.

Anywho, Henry got all scared.

Now he's hiding up in the rafters or something.

-Henry? -Yeah.

We named him Henry Kissinger because of his scalp.

Yeah.

Oh.

-Whoa. Whoa. -Careful, Mike.

-Incoming. -Your aggressive stance

is threatening Henry.

What?

You need to adapt a passive posture.

Now stoop down, and to the right.

Good.

No, no, no, your right hand is threatening him, Mike...

Yeah, yeah, my right?

-Put it up around your head. -Okay.

Good, good, okay, now lull your head around.

-Like a marionette. -Right, right, right.

Okay, stroke your chest, stroke your chest.

No, use the back of your hand.

-Are you crazy? -What are you doing?

Now bob up and down and "ook" very softly.

-Are you-- Are you sure? Okay. -Ook, ook, ook.

Well, see, it's working.

-Drool. -Okay.

There, you see, Henry Kissinger likes you.

Drool a little bit more.

Drool.

Ah, yes, he thinks you're his mother.

Aw, that's so cute.

So, huh, what do you know, commercial sign.

Well, I'll see you, Mike.

-Bye. -But, but, but, but, but...

Wait, where are you guys going?

SERVO: Careful, Mike.

CROW: Come on, he's mad at you again.

I will be right back.

SERVO: Keep trying.

♪♪

FINGAL: Delicious.

-Ouch. -SERVO: Hi, Mike, you okay?

Funny. Funny.

MIKE: What happened to him?

SERVO: He looks drunk to me.

CROW: I'm on medication, okay?

Lexicorp 185,

there's the possibility of some minor damage

to some of the dopplers.

Nothing serious,

but it's that time of year again.

-SERVO: What? -The maruba fruit's ripe.

Some of the dopplers are getting drunk.

Remember last year?

FINGAL: Very, very, very refreshing.

Just like a nice cold Martini.

MIKE: That monkey's been in and out of Hazelden

so many times.

SERVO: So they doppled Oliver Reed

and Peter O'Toole, huh?

CROW: I love you, guys.

And now we're gonna graduate.

I'm never gonna see you guys again, man.

FINGAL: I feel awful.

Daisy still managing?

Sort of.

MIKE: How about Gatsby?

She found the maruba trees.

FINGAL: Daisy, don't move.

I'll be sick.

SERVO: She's vomiting blood.

Oh.

CROW: I don't know. It's just-- ugh, I don't know.

SERVO: The Days of Maruba Fruit and Roses.

MIKE: I've been gaining weight now.

FINGAL: I feel better up here.

-SERVO: Hmm. -FINGAL: Fresh air.

SERVO: Times Square.

FINGAL: Hey, wait a minute.

What's that elephant do--? Oh, hold it, hold it.

Wait a minute.

Hey, I'm not a baboon! I'm a human being!

MIKE: Hey, Babar, cut it out.

FINGAL: Get me out. I want out now.

Oh, overwrite priority!

APOLLONIA: Emergency disengage.

Sited Fingal, Site Kenya park, Sector J21, Code Red.

CROW: Out of paper.

Tooby here.

Input your data.

We need the subject ahead of schedule.

Name is Aram Fingal.

Can you-- can you spell that for me, please?

F-I-N-G-A-L.

MIKE: I gained an ounce.

What's going on?

APOLLONIA: What a mess.

Look.

Code Red. Do you know what that means?

We'll be here all night filling in Compu-Stats.

You don't have to go through it. I was on duty, I'll handle it.

No way, we'll both suffer.

-CROW: Ooh. -SLAVIN: Slavin here.

They've brought Daisy in.

She's in the doppling room, and the medico is ready.

SERVO: Ooh, Ralph Malph here.

Damn. Why couldn't Slavin be off-duty?

We're waiting. Where's Fingal's body?

I called Tooby. It must be on its way.

Must be some snafu, Apollonia.

We never had no-- any Aram Fingal.

-MIKE: Uh-hmm. -APOLLONIA: It must be there.

They brought him up yesterday.

Economy, compulsory rehab.

Look again, Tooby.

SERVO: So, Pat Benatar...

TOOBY: I'm notifying Slavin now.

Lexicorp 185,

I have to speak to Walenda Irving, urgent.

Yes.

SERVO: The flying Walenda, yes.

I have some interesting news for you, Mr. Irving.

MIKE: I finally touched her.

MAN: Unauthorized intercom communication intercept.

SERVO: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo.

♪♪

CROW: Ooh, teppanyaki and video bar, nice.

MAN: Lexicorp World News just issued a bulletin.

Novicorp's stock is plummeting.

It dropped twenty points in the last two minutes.

What are you going to do?

CROW: Eat.

Identicube.

SERVO: Yoooo-ga-yewww.

CROW: Elizabeth Clare Prophet and David Duchovny, look on.

MIKE: My lunchbox can withstand a nuclear blast.

MAN: Found him?

-We will. -MIKE: Just find my mark here.

APOLLONIA: Here it is.

The interface of identicube with HX 254,

they were cloning a subject.

Watch this with me, Slavin.

CROW: Put on a pink top and watch this with me.

WOMAN: We just lost Watson.

SERVO: He came here, we wanted him.

Best technician of the department.

SERVO: We're pressing your pants.

All right, let's make this short.

CROW: Oh, why start now?

Patient's identicube was connected to the computer

while cloning was attempted.

Cube must remain active or electron loss results.

SERVO: Sorry, I ran over here.

We used the central computer to simulate life experience.

But we had to set up a control interface

from outside.

We used Watson to complete the interface.

There was-- there was no other way to keep contact.

CROW: David Bowie in a brilliant cameo.

APOLLONIA: She was going too fast for me,

but if I was to get Fingal out of trouble,

I had to understand everything.

SERVO: Fast?

WOMAN: So I punched up additional information,

included in the file.

SERVO: Uh-hmm.

Identicube Computer Interface.

SERVO: And other crap.

To achieve interface,

the subject's personality

is transferred from his identicube

into the computer.

SERVO: It's just a furnace filter.

A technician outside the computer

must then maintain constant contact

with the subject.

SERVO: Lay on him.

Warning: sudden increases in energy flow

can totally erase the technician's identity.

We plugged Watson in to monitor. What happened?

I wouldn't have done it if I'd realized the awful danger

he was in.

Watson was tired, but still maintaining contact.

Then there was some kind of...

negative energy surge.

-CROW: Energy surge. -It's as if the computer

sucked everything in.

CROW: "Sucked," let's go with that word, movie.

Oh, God, Watson's identity was sucked in too.

SERVO: I got to get back to the 10K.

He was still breathing, vital signs fine,

but he wasn't there.

A blank brain.

CROW: Hooray for Sox.

Listen, don't do it.

Don't risk anyone's life this way.

Nothing's worth it.

MIKE: You see what she's wearing?

I was responsible for Fingal.

I'll make the connection.

CROW: God, I want to make you over.

But I wish I hadn't seen that tape.

♪♪

[ Snoring ]

I'm afraid, we don't want to allow this interface.

Do you have any other ideas?

Well, how do you know what he'll do in there?

I can control my own computer.

Of course you can, under normal circumstances.

You are not responsible, Gondol.

I suggest your interference is less than appropriate.

-SERVO: For... -MAN: Fingal interface ready.

-SERVO: Initiate Harpo hair. -MAN: All right.

We're ready to begin.

-Proceed. - Interface initiated.

SERVO: Mustache visible.

MAN: Warning: six hours of cube life remain

before automatic destruct.

CROW: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.

SERVO: See you on the dark side of Raul.

♪♪

SERVO: Oh, look, it's embarrassing.

The poor dope figures if he can't see the camera,

the camera can't see him.

CROW: Is that you, Fester?

MIKE: You know, with this digital technology,

the suckiness comes through with great clarity.

CROW: Absolutely.

-MAN: What happened? -SERVO: Well, the ate too many

Flavo-Fibes.

Last thing I knew, I was about to be killed by an elephant.

SERVO: I should have wrapped him up in cellaphant.

APOLLONIA: It was eerie, watching Fingal

creating his own reality simulation around him.

SERVO: Well, maybe you should Flavo-Fibes.

APOLLONIA: Especially since he didn't even know

he was doing it.

It must be something in that reconst she gave me.

MAN: Ready for external tracking

personnel interconnect.

-Connect. -SERVO: Connect.

MAN: Ms. James, please begin tracking Fingal.

He's in there.

Wait.

Switch to analog.

SERVO: It has a warmer sound.

Locate as fast as you can.

SERVO: Why don't you reconst your Flavo-Fibes?

Hey, take it easy.

I was living two lives at the same time.

Part of me was outside the computer

in my office talking with Slavin and Jamilla,

but I was inside, too,

trying to maintain contact with Fingal,

so I could keep in constant touch with him.

CROW: It's a Viv Savage Christmas ornament.

Contact.

SERVO: Oh, wait, no, Yahtzee.

I better call for a medico.

SERVO: Yeah, on the Voice-Com Flav-o-Link Synth.

-Argh. -WOMAN: Sorry.

This phone is no longer available

for outgoing calls.

Wait a minute, I paid my bill. Get me the service manager.

WOMAN: Do not interrupt, please.

You cannot make calls to the external world.

What?

Trust me, Fingal.

No outgoing calls.

Who's this?

WOMAN: Go to work.

I'll explain when I can.

Just stick to your routine, no surprises.

If you do anything unexpected, I may not be able to track you.

Listen, either I'm nuts or you are.

I'll be in touch.

SERVO: You know, I bet nobody ever scrolls up this cinema.

-Go to work? -CROW: But I'm an actor.

Then, it's morning.

SERVO: Mike, it's eerie,

watching Fingal create his own reality

simulation around him.

Very eerie.

It was essential to always keep an exact sync

-with Fingal. -CROW: Uh-huh.

It was the only way we'd be able to find him

when we were ready to put him back in his own body.

SERVO: Are you ready to put him back in his own body?

I already accepted the simulation of Novicorp.

I sensed he was still confused.

CROW: Or stupid.

WOMAN: I had to get in there and explain things to him,

but I'd have to simulate someone he'd really trust.

WOMAN: Fingal.

FINGAL: What?

SERVO: Now this. Is this off?

FINGAL: Mom!

Hello, sonny.

What are you doing here?

SERVO: Why aren't you Puerto Rican?

That's an entirely healthy question, son.

The fact is I'm being electronically simulated.

-SERVO: Whoa. -Mom, am I nuts?

SERVO: My nuts?

No, dear, but...

This is all in your mind.

SERVO: Oh, my God.

There's been a big goof up, and you're still in the...

SERVO: Shh, they're talking about his area.

Negative input.

Fingal's too curious.

Girl's too eager to help.

Pork delivery's late.

Might blurt out delicate information.

They've tucked you away in the HX368

computer for safekeeping.

SERVO: Yum. Swedish Puerto Rican cooking.

Finest, tallest system made.

Mom, you died a long time ago.

I haven't seen you in 15 years.

Better late than never, sonny.

SERVO: Got to get me some of that soup.

Your instructions understood.

I will simulate a presence to threaten them.

SERVO: Carol Channing.

-Go on, eat up. -Uh-hmm.

While your mother tells you something important.

SERVO: Don't talk about your private parts in public.

Who loves you, baby?

Jamilla, something weird.

It feels like somebody else is interfacing, too.

SERVO: Wear a cup and wash right-- Oh, got to go.

I better be going, sonny.

Wait, wait, mom.

CROW: I ordered salad!

Meet me after work, here.

SERVO: This will keep the swelling down.

Sonny, sonny!

The whole world's in sixes and sevens, sonny!

CROW: Is she on the ceiling?

FINGAL: Mom!

-Mom! -You want your spoon back?

SERVO: It's the cyst in my ear.

CROW: Someone beat up George Will.

SERVO: Oh, yes.

In about an hour? I don't think so.

CROW: Clara Barton's getaway car.

MIKE: Look, it's the aging Pee-wee up there.

What happened?

The most unfortunate accident.

Poor woman ran across the street,

a truck came around the corner and hit her.

SERVO: He hit her.

May I trouble you for a light, sir?

CROW: Who's he-- who's he trying to do,

Jimmy Stewart?

James Cagney?

No, no, no, wait, wait.

John Kenneth Galbraith.

No, Ram Dass?

Terry-- Hulk Hogan maybe or...

Everybody goes to the place.

SERVO: You know, when they have to go.

A fine bar, sir, may I recommend it to you?

CROW: So, down one mother, up a matchbook.

Not too bad.

MAN: Listen, the call to script rewrites.

SERVO: Very sacred. Let's see.

I'll take an old garden from filth.

CROW: Well, pop on a fez and eat some couscous, I guess.

SERVO: Formally, that other place.

MIKE: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions

of bucks, and this is the name they came up with.

CROW: Appearing tonight, Slayer.

MIKE: Yeah. They brought a non-perishable

food item, so he gets them free.

♪♪

[ Monkey screeching ]

You guys, come and do something about your monkey.

You, guys.

Oh, great.

Now Pearl's calling.

[ Monkey screeching ]

And now,

a very special preview

of a special pledge week special.

We are so fortunate to present to you

our viewer.

Pearl,

Pearl,

Pearl,

Pearl,

Pearl.

♪♪

[ Applause ]

When loving lovers love

When loving love on wings of gold

And loving love we fly above

Their love is such a soft and precious love

It's love

A lovely love is all we seem to need

when we're in loving love

But then... it's gone

It is nothing but a memory

Memory...

Memory...

Memory...

And then it's back and loving lovers love again

Who knows where it flies?

Lustrous love must rise

Into the endless skies

A new day shining bright

Your heart has wings to fly

And no one else can fly

I really can't say why

I really do like pie

I know a couple guys

They really do like pie

And loving lovers love as loving lovers love

Golden, shimmering, lustrous... lovely, loving, loving love

[ Applause ]

[ Bell ringing ]

What...

a performer.

The lovely,

leggy,

Pearl Forester.

Hey, I can sing, too!

And now you find yourself

in '82.

Come on, fur face.

Oh, is that all you got, banana breath?

Come on, show me something good.

Oh, okay, must be my birthday. Here it comes.

Ooh. Ow.

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Door slamming ]

♪ You must remember this: this movie really sucks ♪

Because it's fly soup, sir, that's why.

♪♪

CROW: Are you buying or selling, sailor?

What's going on here?

Now I'm making up my own movies?

SERVO: Oh, could you make up a better one than this?

Hey, the maître d's Ted Baxter.

CROW: Oh, no.

[ Singing ]

CROW: Hey, a midget rabbi cowboy, look.

SERVO: Yippie-aye-oy-vey.

[ Singing ]

CROW: Mike, is that lady sick?

MIKE: I hope so.

Lola likes you, Fi.

Not now, sweetheart.

He's got some talking to do, all right, but with me.

Tell the piano player, play anything you want, Lola.

Drinks on the house.

SERVO: That's kind of inconvenient.

Lola will see you later, Fing.

CROW: Yeah, I'm gonna score with me

tonight, yeah.

SERVO: Where was I?

[ Singing ]

-CROW: Sexy. -APOLLONIA: Fingal...

We have to talk about all this.

Apollonia, is it you?

What are you doing here?

APOLLONIA: Will you please stop trying to figure things out?

You're making it harder on me.

I'm making it harder?

My mother who died years ago tells me I'm not real,

I'm inside the Novicorp's central computer?

APOLLONIA: That's right.

Then she gets run over by a truck?

We set up the interface until we find your body.

SERVO: We've got one on back order.

You lost my body?

What's this?

It's a simulation.

You've created a kind of reality inside the computer.

When do I get out?

We'll find you, don't worry.

But we can't just leave your cube lying around

while we look for the rest of you.

-CROW: Is this Ishtar? -All you have to do is relax.

And please don't mess things up.

SERVO: And come to you BVM one-woman show.

I'm not the one who messed things up

in the first place, am I?

Am I?

All right, Fingal.

CROW: You once said I was a warped, frustrated...

All right, Fingal.

MIKE: Wow, Tom Wolfe with a thyroid problem.

SERVO: Ooh, yummy.

-CROW: Uh-hmm. -We're doing the best we can.

SERVO: All I can eat? The joke's on them.

I have to go.

Wait a minute.

CROW: I went out of this movie, too.

I can't keep this up.

You must listen to me, okay?

If you feel alive, it's normal.

Normal?

Is it normal when the woman you're talking to

turns into a head with a veil hanging down over nothing?

I think you better be going now, Fingal.

Come back to my place anytime.

SERVO: We're getting a karaoke machine.

Ding.

I'll have what I'm having.

Stay away from the fat man, Mr. Fingal.

CROW: He smells like feet.

SERVO: Ding.

MIKE: Formerly, the locale.

♪♪

So, that's who was after Fingal.

I figured I better lie low for a bit.

The fat man was, in fact, the Novicorp chairman.

I can't believe I'm making the whole thing up.

Most assuredly, sir.

The whole ball of wax.

MIKE: David Brenner.

CROW: Well, he can walk too fast or he'll run out of set.

There was only one way to keep a lid on things.

Fingal had to go back to his old work routines.

It was boring, but it was the only way

to keep him out of trouble.

SERVO: So, more boring, then.

CROW: Oh.

Chairman's getting involved was bad news.

He could call off the search for Fingal's body.

Five hours of cube life remain before automatic destruct.

I'd only been monitoring Fingal for an hour,

but it felt like years.

CROW: Yeah, tell us about it.

MIKE: And these are all the people who were writing scripts

for Parker Posey.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

I should have known.

As soon as Fingal was back at work data processing,

his old boredom resurfaced.

I can't stand this anymore. I'm so bored.

SERVO: Okay. Which one of us said that?

CROW: You know, I felt that.

Maybe I had to put up with it out there,

but not in here.

SERVO: I'm going to get a Glock and mow these people down.

Listen!

We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!

-ALL: I'm okay with that. -CROW: It's fine.

WOMAN: Fingal, if you don't watch out,

you're going to get yourself into real trouble.

If you're so bored, there are a lot of little things

you can change.

Okay, Ms. Computech Apollonia James, I will.

CROW: My coffee coupon.

SERVO: Oops, I leaked.

I'm gonna give the hell out of these flowers.

CROW: That steams my mustache.

I am working, Mr. Fingal.

FINGAL: Listen, Felicia,

why don't we just walk out of here and go back to my place

and make love?

SERVO: Whoa, I wanna work in data entry.

Is that your idea of a joke?

Do you wanna get us fired?

Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia.

SERVO: Oh, there's a fly in here.

[ Indistinct ]

CROW: What's that, kill myself?

Okay. Not a problem.

Now, shall we go back to my place and make love?

SERVO: This is sexual harassment and I'm gonna take it.

CROW: Whoa. Look familiar, Mike?

MIKE: Um, probably not. Not for you.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask, big boy.

SERVO: Well, I'm actually size-doesn't-matter boy.

♪♪

I wouldn't wish that no-good-drone on anyone.

Now, he started playing around with himself.

CROW: Whoa!

MIKE: Man, kids are tuned in right now to watch Barney.

So I sing you to syntho-sleep after the techno-love

♪♪

Oh, not now, Felicia, please.

Why not?

Well, it's all we did last night and the night before.

I'm tired.

Frankly, I'm bored.

CROW: That's why you kept saying William Hurt's name.

Bored?

SERVO: We could spice things up, maybe invite Fing to watch.

MIKE: We don't even get this far before the crying.

CROW: Yup.

You know, if only she had turned into a cold beer,

it would've been perfect.

[ Beeper beeps ]

SERVO: Was that the lady's beeping?

Yeah.

You're too much, Fingal, you know that?

Wait a minute.

You're the one who told me to change things

if I didn't like them.

And this is what you mean by changing things?

Why not?

I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I?

Happiness?

CROW: You were raised Catholic.

Happiness?

Listen to me, Fingal, your navel is very deep.

I can't even see to the bottom of it.

And if you fall in, I can't guarantee to pull you out.

What is it with you?

First, you tell me to go out and change things,

instead of sitting around.

Now, you want me to sit around?

Why don't you go try and figure out what you want

-and then come back? -SERVO: Yeah.

What I want is to get you back

inside your body and be rid of you.

-Fine! -SERVO: Fine?

I wanna get back to my life, too, you know.

Oh, if this one-handed exercise

is all you can think of to do with your life...

-CROW: Whoa. -...you're a very little man,

and I'm very disappointed in you.

SERVO: Is this still the officially sanctioned

boring part?

You had me fooled.

SERVO: You replaced my coffee with Folgers Crystals.

I was beginning to think that you are someone special.

It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it?

Because you're definitely not my kind of woman.

SERVO: Ooh. CROW: Ooh.

Well, now you are, actually.

SERVO: Film and soap opera vision.

I can't go on with this.

MIKE: We'll return to "Days of R. Fingal" after this.

SERVO: Oh, did they just switch to the dinner menu here?

I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal,

but I'm not sure what that is.

SERVO: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start.

You're going to have to tell me what to do.

Okay. I will.

SERVO: Let's slip into something more virtual.

♪♪

Here's looking at you, kid.

CROW: Here's looking at you, taunte.

SERVO: Here's looking at you, biquitous.

MIKE: Here's looking at you, lysses.

♪♪

SERVO: Of all the public television stations

in the world.

That was some show at the circuit.

Yeah.

I hate these things.

SERVO: Hey, don't Bogart that, man.

I thought you weren't gonna make waves.

It just happened.

I didn't do anything on purpose.

She just-- I've had it.

If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here,

I'm not gonna go on being a zombie,

like all those other zombies at work.

CROW: I'll be a better zombie.

And what are you gonna do?

I don't know,

but I've got to get the hell out of here.

Novicorp isn't helping,

so I guess I'm gonna have to punch

my own buttons for a change.

SERVO: Nah, you've been doing enough of that, mister.

CROW: Geez.

SERVO: Whoa!

Kitchen alert!

Who's that guy?

CROW: Crap.

And I'm running the prime ribs special tonight.

He plays dirty, Fingal, and he plays for good.

So do I, Rick.

And it's my play now.

MIKE: What say you and me, uh-hmm?

SERVO: Oh, more '80s video technology.

I couldn't believe it.

Fingal was going to try to reprogram the HX368

while he was still inside it.

CROW: Now, that's what I found out later talking

to the screen writer.

♪♪

SERVO: Hi. Did you lose your bananas?

Would you leave me alone? I don't want any fruit.

WOMAN: Couldn't get his Casablanca fantasy

out of his head.

And Casablanca gets really hot during the summer.

Invalid format, quit or retry?

MIKE: Contact your network administrator.

What is your access code?

SERVO: Bite my five and a quarter floppy.

Fingal was taking on the mainframe computer

that more or less ran the world.

Now I was terrified.

If he did manage to write his own programs,

anything could happen.

CROW: But no matter what, we won't show it.

He was stubborn.

Invalid format, quit or retry?

I'm gonna keep on until I crack you open.

Fingal, you have to do something...

-MIKE: Oh, man. -...about the heat.

-We can't work. -What do you expect?

This is Casablanca, 103, and probably getting hotter.

SERVO: And get lost, Cat Stevens.

Can't you find some other reality?

Why don't you see your psychist?

I'm not giving up my fantasies, lady,

not for you or anyone else.

And you don't exist, so just disappear, will you?

SERVO: I mean, you smell like you exist but...

You can sit there all day. I'm not seeing any psychist.

From now on, I'm doing what I wanna do, get it?

CROW: And gets young.

Apollonia.

Listen, I don't understand how you did it,

but what happens in here can have an effect out there.

You can't just play games, Fingal.

Apollonia.

MIKE: Oh, now, she's Joan Blondell again.

I haven't seen you for weeks.

Get back to work, Fingal.

SERVO: You make me tingle, Fingal.

Fingal, are you single?

Give me a jingle.

MIKE: Oh, good one.

What is your access code?

CROW: Where do you wanna go today?

All over this movie.

That's where I wanna go.

Invalid format, quit or retry?

SERVO: I'll take quit for 25, Alex.

Okay.

♪♪

We both take a break.

MIKE: We both said things we'll regret.

Hey, Fingal, can't you do something about the heat?

CROW: Well, some like it hot,

and some sweat when the heat is on.

SERVO: Your new backyard!

♪♪

MIKE: Ah, I wandered into the ladies room.

CROW: Man, that's why they stay in there so long.

Yeah, those ladies, they get everything.

SERVO: Man, ladies!

Good afternoon, Mr. Fingal.

I trust you're enjoying Casablanca?

Very amusing city, Fat Man.

I have a communication for you.

CROW: Bite me.

Well, thanks, but I have an appointment.

Hey, Fingal, where are you going?

The boss would like to talk to you.

Shut up and listen.

Good of you to spare me the time, Mr. Fingal.

-[ Burping ] -I will be brief.

The powers that be

want you to know that they've discovered

what happened to your body.

They found me?

They discovered,

one of the children,

who observed your doppling,

labeled the joke on you.

He switched the tag from your body

to another body.

[ Coughs ]

Where am I?

[ Laughs ]

Well, unfortunately,

the little rascal couldn't remember what color tag

he put on your body.

CROW: Breathing knocks the wind out of this guy.

Even after a rather intensive questioning.

But there is still hope.

How much hope?

FAT MAN: That depends on you, Fingal.

If you persist in trying to interfere

with the HX368 programs,

I guarantee

your body will not be found in time.

Don't threaten me, Fat Man.

SERVO: This is what happens when you have to put offseason

Santas to work.

[ Splash ]

SERVO: Grab hold of the watercress.

[ Laughs ]

I don't make threats, Mr. Fingal,

only promises.

SERVO: Oh, and a great pork roll.

[ Laughs ]

Here's a towel, Fingal.

CROW: Those damn thugs giving him a towel.

[ Laughs ]

SERVO: Quick-drying Fingal, too.

MIKE: Formerly The Site.

CROW: Boy, Morocco must be moving.

They got all their stuff in these boxes here.

[ Chuckles ]

MIKE: Oh, blessed, St. Humphrey.

SERVO: He wandered into an English pub.

CROW: Sorry, mate.

-Apollonia. -Hurry, quick.

You're gonna get hit.

They're shooting darts at us.

It'll be fatal within two seconds.

-FINGAL: Oh, my God. -CROW: Well, run.

SERVO: The Uga Buga Tribe.

APOLLONIA: I can't always be there, Fingal,

getting your system stuff on me.

FINGAL: I'll be okay.

You look after yourself.

APOLLONIA: My job is looking after you,

and you sure aren't making it easy.

CROW: No, butter knives.

If you think I'm the one who's trying to kill me,

you're crazy, Apollonia.

Can you just shut up and listen?

This is no time for a serious conversation.

Go.

MIKE: Oh.

CROW: The fiends, they're bombing rattan shops.

APOLLONIA: I don't know what all of this does to you,

but you've got to stop trying to reprogram the computer.

Yeah, I guess that's what they think, too.

We put you into the HX368 to keep you safe, you owe us.

I'm just trying to save my ass, and right now,

I'm having a damn hard time of it.

-SERVO: He said "ass". -MIKE: Yeah.

Listen, I know you're trying to do your job,

but please, why don't you get out of here?

CROW: Oh, she's trying to impersonate Ingmar Bergman,

isn't she?

Fingal.

MIKE: I've got a fever for the flavor of Fingal.

We can't stay here.

♪♪

CROW: Damn trendy cigar bars.

Apollonia?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

SERVO: He's a village people.

CROW: He thought I was a black male construction worker,

it's cute.

♪♪

SERVO: Well, I killed that rhino.

Okay.

Let's try alpha numerics.

Start with a two-letter prefix.

MIKE: Very good.

-SERVO: Thank you. -CROW: Huh.

You know, I'd rather watch

the kind of hackers who spit a lot.

SERVO: HX369--

8.

-SERVO: Ooh, a bug on my desk. -I got access.

SERVO: Abcess?

CROW: Varicose desk.

SERVO: He cracked the code to scrubbing bubbles.

CROW: Scrubbing bubbles.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

MAN: Ready for a game of Battleship, sir.

Are there any storms programmed for today?

No, sir.

I knew it.

Fingal's accessed again.

[ Ducks quacking ]

SERVO: They have ducks in their computer.

MAN: Oh, a whole lot of plaque in your artery, sir.

What?

CROW: Seven copies collated.

Attention, all personnel leave now.

Got you, Fat Man.

♪♪

MIKE: Yeah, see these guys?

They were rejected from Men Without Hats.

SERVO: Oh, really bad musicians, huh?

MIKE: No. You see, they wear hats.

SERVO: Oh, so the brim gets in their way of reading the music?

MIKE: No, look, forget it, just never mind.

♪♪

MIKE: Fat Guy's marathon, 26.2 feet.

SERVO: In the future, puerile ruses will still work.

Started with HX.

MIKE: Oh, just gotta relax with my Gameboy for a minute.

Yeah. Then what?

The variance?

CROW: Oh, no. Oh, no.

What if this is still the pre-credit sequence?

Got it.

Repeat it, 368.

SERVO: And my garage door should open.

IY...

479.

SERVO: Oh, I get it, because they're wearing hats.

-CROW: Ooh. -MIKE: Yeah.

SERVO: That's good, Mike.

CROW: Sherlock.

MIKE: It's a hologram of the effectiveness

of liquid plumber.

Yeah.

Yeah!

SERVO: Oh, this movie hurts!

-Oh! -I got it.

CROW: The chairman has got really bad dandruff.

MIKE: This is how much pure cocaine

you would need to enjoy this movie.

CROW: Ah, so this is public television, huh?

Sometimes, I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

-MIKE: I know. -I'm not making this up.

MIKE: I'm not cleaning it up, either.

I got to find Rick.

London Weather reports hurricanes and blizzards.

Thames River flooding Parliament.

Florida reports five inches of snow.

Fingal's accessed my weather interface.

SERVO: And I'm out of cutlets.

Abort new program soonest.

Invalid format, quit or retry?

Iceland and Greenland in midst of heat waves.

He couldn't have done all this.

-MIKE: Love is a battlefield. -SERVO: Uh-hmm.

Is this how you control that lunatic?

It's summer, and there is a blizzard out there.

Rain and typhoons in the south! Floods, cyclones!

Everything is out of control.

James, am I mistaken?

SERVO: Or are you deep-fried?

Are you not an employee of Novicorp?

Of course, I am.

FAT MAN: And you have certain loyalties to us?

SERVO: Yes, Mr. Fat.

FAT MAN: All right.

Stop romanticizing.

Find him.

Chastise him.

If there is one more catastrophe,

we will not deliberate.

We will terminate him.

SERVO: Oh, no. Ear the police.

[ Siren wailing ]

CROW: Now it's changed ownership.

Now it's a gentleman's club.

Well, Mr. Fingal, you've created quite an event, sir.

Yeah. It's the beginning, Pierre,

now that he can enter his own programs.

Hey, Rick, I just stumbled into it.

MIKE: Ah, yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you.

You're too modest, Mr. Fingal.

He's just getting started, Pierre.

He could be a contender.

Come on. I didn't do anything.

You did a hell of a lot, and you're gonna do

a damn sight more.

Yeah.

I guess I made some waves.

It's a pleasure, my dear sir, to see the waves you made.

CROW: Hey, hey, hey, don't do that thing

with your finger when you shake my hand.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

SERVO: God! I told you you're barred from here

until you pay your past tab.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

♪ You can't always get what you want ♪

MIKE: Back off the stick, cut the engine.

Cut.

CROW: And that's poison oak on your naughty bits, Ma'am.

FINGAL: Apollonia?

SERVO: This gal just needs to go home, wait for him to call.

Is it really you?

SERVO: Or just a fig leaf of my imagination?

CROW: Mike.

MAN: Here's some more commandments I forgot.

APOLLONIA: Thou shalt not screw around with things

thou does not understand.

Thou shalt not meddle in Novicorp Hardware,

or Novicorp shall hold thee responsible.

Thou shalt not break out of HX368.

Thou shalt not program.

Where's my body?

Hold thy horses, wait it out.

And thou shalt soon see the light

at the end of the tunnel.

FINGAL: I promise, no more meddling around.

And you don't need all that pizzazz.

You're enough.

SERVO: Do you have these in pocket size?

Goddess of transitory.

-SERVO: Yeah. -APOLLONIA: Promise me.

Promise me.

♪ You can't always get what you want ♪

So, where's the monkey?

Oh, never mind him, Mike.

Come on. Synth my dopple down to the nanites

and monitor both my queue time and my Fingal time.

Hey. Why are you so eager to get down

to the nanite world?

Oh, you know, I'm feeling a little wicked.

I wanna go down there and mess with the little shrimps.

You know, have a few laughs, just shake them up.

You see, that doesn't sound very nice.

Huh?

Oh, no, I won't be too hard on them.

Just rattle their cages a little bit.

Yank their chains, push them around.

Just get a few kicks.

You know, kicks.

Yeah. Well, don't be too rough on them, okay?

Ah, yeah. Just dopple my Fingal.

I'll show you some fun stuff.

All right.

SERVO: Hey, nanites.

Hey, you little pipsqueaks, a giant walks among you.

Ooh, it looks like I landed in the rough part of town here.

Hey, hello?

Where are those little idiots, anyway?

MAN: Well, well, well, what do we have here, Mookie?

MOOKIE: I don't know, Slicer.

Looks like a college boy to me.

SERVO: Um, hi, fellas.

MAN: So, Mookie, did I just hear this punk

calling me an idiot?

SERVO: Oh, no, no, not you. No.

MOOKIE: And so, what, you're calling me idiot, then?

-I was-- -Okay. Excuse me a second.

Mike, you didn't have to synth me down quite so small.

I'm sorry, Tom. It's out of my control.

What's up, Mike?

Oh.

Servo synth-o dopple thing is down in the nanite world.

MOOKIE: You come around dissing our neighborhood,

Mr. College?

SERVO: No. No. No. No.

MOOKIE: You know you're gonna take a beating.

- Hold him, Slicer. -SERVO: Oh, boy, help.

Oh, come on, guys, I've never even been to college.

Please, help me!

Oh, wow.

Servo's dopple is getting his butt kicked.

You think we should bring him out?

Nah, teach him a lesson, you know?

Yeah. Tough love, right?

-Yeah. -We'll be right back.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Henry, there you are.

♪♪

-MIKE: You all right? -What happened?

SERVO: I got a headache. I don't know.

-MIKE: Oh, it'll be fine. -He'll stay in line now. Great.

They're going to owe you, Apollonia.

-SERVO: Oh. -I bet you get a promotion

out of this if you don't blow everything

by fighting with the chairman.

I don't care about a promotion.

That loony Fingal is starting to get to you, isn't he?

He's not crazy.

MIKE: Well, sure, he eats mittens, but...

I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone in there like that.

-MIKE: Yeah. -Warning, 60 minutes

to cube destruct.

CROW: I'll just add more toner.

Tooby here.

APOLLONIA: Time's running out, Tooby.

We're close.

We've only got two areas left to search.

He's got to be in one of them.

Keep me posted, will you, Tooby?

-MIKE: Or not, Tooby. -Thanks.

[ Machine beeping ]

SERVO: That just keeps chucking rectangles at you.

MIKE: Can Woody Allen bring a lawsuit against these people?

CROW: I don't think Woody is gonna be bringing

too many lawsuits against anyone, frankly.

Fasten your seatbelt, Fingal.

MIKE: It's the law.

You're in for a bumpy ride.

MIKE: Well, now all about Eve,

why don't they just have The Bowery Boys

-come through the movie? -SERVO: Yeah.

CROW: For crying out loud.

RICK: I heard you were leaving.

CROW: I have something caught in my teeth, hold on.

RICK: Probably just as well.

SERVO: Now Sinatra shows up?

I can't stay here, Rick.

I'm going to work every day behaving like a good boy,

like I promised Apollonia.

-MIKE: He promised Apollonia? -There's no way out.

And I don't have much time left.

RICK: So you're gonna go out crying?

SERVO: Yes, and wetting, actually.

RICK: I thought you were gonna try for something really big?

SERVO: Aah, Hitler.

-MIKE: Or a guy in a car. -CROW: Yeah.

-FAT MAN: Mr. Fingal! -SERVO: Santa!

I see you got in time.

For what, Fat Man?

FAT MAN: I've taken the liberty of arranging

for some papers for you,

as for the exit visa, that sort of thing.

SERVO: And I'm big-boned, by the way.

Your most recent reports were very positive, Mr. Fingal.

RICK: Ain't that just great?

FAT MAN: It would be very wise

to think of traveling and enjoying yourself.

Is that what you're gonna do, Fingal?

Enjoy yourself?

Lay off, will you, Rick?

MIKE: Let's just get through the movie.

I don't have to be a big man. It was crazy of me

to try reprogramming the HX368.

-CROW: Uh-huh. -Luckily you stopped in time.

SERVO: Dadum, da, da, da, die!

Dadum, da, da, da, crap!

WOMAN: Come on, Fingal.

The plane is leaving.

You're gonna spend the rest of your life

-playing it straight? -CROW: Wow.

It's my only chance.

If you had made any more trouble for them, Mr. Fingal,

they would have been forced to erase your existence here.

That would have been most unfortunate.

Yeah? Well, maybe I would've found

my own way to get out.

CROW: Oh, sorry. Burped up...

I highly doubt it.

You think he can't do it?

I think he's a fool to risk everything

for his silly games.

I guess that's what he was doing.

-The hell I was. -SERVO: [ Gasps ]

Mike, he said "hell".

Plane, Mr. Fingal, you don't want to miss it.

There's nothing more boring than playing it safe, Fingal.

Let me accompany you to the plane, Mr. Fingal.

Shut up, Fat Man!

SERVO: You...you, anteater.

Better safe than dead, Rick.

That's a matter of opinion.

FAT MAN: Mr. Fingal, they're ready for takeoff.

Here, Fat Man, you take the trip.

SERVO: And yes, there's a meal.

My compliment!

You're a very foolish man, Mr. Fingal.

-CROW: A lot of faith. -FAT MAN: From now on,

whatever happens is your responsibility,

is that clear?

SERVO: To Wendy's!

[ Laughs ]

Sure would be glad to hear you'll be staying on

for a while.

SERVO: Oh. They're holding hands with himself.

Da, da, da, da, da, suck.

Da, da, da, go away.

Da, da, end, end, end, end.

CROW: Okay.

Here I'll show you why they call me "Frenchie".

SERVO: Wipe your windshield clean with Rain-X.

CROW: Hmm. The watch is delicious.

-Hmm. -Oh, Fingal.

Warning. You have 28 minutes to cube destruct.

Identicube may begin loss of personality traces.

Please concentrate.

You must not let the contact with Fingal be broken.

CROW: More gravy.

Pity about that, Mr. Chairman.

You might not have another chance.

Neither will Fingal.

I've added a new security lock to the access program.

Now, he can go on trying forever.

CROW: How's your homework, honey?

Thanks, Pierre.

Any progress, sir?

No, the bastard changed the access code on me.

I have to start all over from square one.

I'm confident you'd find a way, Mr. Fingal.

CROW: Thank you, Floyd the pervert.

Sorry, Fingal, but we're gonna have to open up

-in a few minutes. -CROW: Roll some setups.

Sure, I'm not getting anywhere anyway.

[ Techno sounds ]

MIKE: Is that a tick she keeps fiddling with?

It seems that you have lost contact with Fingal.

Please try to regain it.

You are letting your emotions disrupt your concentration.

-Wait a minute. -SERVO: My nuts!

[ Laughter ]

FINGAL: Why didn't I think of that before?

It's so simple.

Reverse the access code.

He probably thought I'd never try something so simple.

CROW: You know, if this works, I am gonna spank you, movie.

SERVO: Notions.

Welcome, Aram Fingal.

I offer you access to my programming.

SERVO: He offers access to anybody.

-CROW: Yeah. -SERVO: Oh.

I'm requesting program access.

CROW: I'm requesting movie jump up my butt.

MAN: What program do you wish to call up,

Aram Fingal?

Fingal's accessed again.

SERVO: I want more butter on my hand.

[ Techno sounds ]

SERVO: Hear no movie, see no movie,

be no movie.

CROW: Oh, I could hear my hands roar.

I've got him.

She's found him.

SERVO: Sir, the brisket.

APOLLONIA: Fingal, I've got to talk to you.

SERVO: Watch tower, damn it.

FAT MAN: Mr. Fingal.

You and I must have another little...

CROW: Bring out your dad.

We're closed, Fat Man.

How odd, good sir, that the Fat Man always emerges

just after she has made contact again?

Wait a minute.

Apollonia wouldn't give me away to him.

RICK: No, I'm saying she would, kid,

but it sure looks like she's part of it.

MIKE: Oh, excuse me, were we supposed to do

some readings for this movie, that I miss on?

SERVO: Well, I had a pencil stuck up there.

CROW: Let me get you some juice, and then I'll leave.

Fingal?

MIKE: Would you like to mingle? Maybe a slice of Danish kringle?

Take it easy.

You're exhausted.

That's not what happened.

He shut me out,

maintaining contact takes the both of us.

Find him again, Ms. James, at once.

We must not lose contact.

SERVO: Were we just yelled at by a pork roast?

He's been using me to track Fingal, hasn't he?

CROW: You're saying I'm fat, aren't you?

No wonder he disconnect.

SERVO: "Disconnected," not that I give a flying--

I meant.

[ Techno sounds ]

CROW: Finally, I killed my virtual pet.

Okay.

Let's try...

Escalate access.

CROW: Yeah, let's try that!

-Yeah, wee! -Phase Two.

MIKE: All right. Sorry.

♪♪

MAN: You have reached Phase Two.

You now can program all intercorp

and personal financial transactions.

[ Laughing ]

MIKE: Ha, ha, Fang, ha, ha!

Sure is better than watching fireworks.

Genius, pure genius.

CROW: Couldn't save this film.

♪♪

Beginning re-distribution of Novicorp shares.

-MAN: Oh. -SERVO: I'm farting

-Monopoly cards. - June Dunley,

25 shares, Novicorp.

Matthew Carsley, 80 mega credits.

SERVO: Well, they're all getting credits

where credits are due.

-CROW: Shh. - Lora Smurf.

SERVO: Sorry.

Three hundred and fifty credits.

William Gardener, 87 shares Novicorp.

CROW: Hey, he followed us home, can we keep him?

APOLLONIA: Fingal!

Where was he?

SERVO: He was in the food service freezer.

They're gonna chip him, and cream him,

and serve him over toast if someone noticed.

That kid has some sense of humor.

SERVO: Yeah, whatever.

Scram, Flowbee.

WOMAN: He was next in line for a sex-change operation.

What good that does us now? We've got the body,

but we can't do anything with it because we don't have the mind.

WOMAN: What's happening?

Haven't you heard?

The computer's going crazy.

CROW: He sounds like Barney.

It's ordering bonuses for 50 credits

- for every employee. -CROW: I love you.

And stock bonuses.

MIKE: Tee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.

I think I'm gonna go for a drink.

CROW: And George said he'd tell me about the rabbits,

so...

♪♪

CROW: They're juicing Jerry Garcia.

♪♪

MIKE: You know, she looks like a gray with a wig on.

CROW: Yeah.

SERVO: Someone should buy her a nose.

CROW: Oh, wow.

Thrill as she thinks.

SERVO: Winston Churchill's mobbed up brother, Veto.

All right, Fingal.

CROW: I'll have the waffles.

SERVO: Man, I hate anteaters.

[ Car engine revving ]

He's here!

CROW: Grandpa, grandpa!

♪♪

MIKE: Well, that'll stop the 400 pound guy

who smells pancakes.

Behind the bar. We will bluff him.

CROW: I'll put on a robe and pretend I'm Frangelico.

[ Knocking ]

FAT MAN: Open up, Rick.

We know he's in there.

SERVO: Wow, heck, Pier One promised that would work.

CROW: Hmm.

SERVO: Oh.

We demand that you set up a delicious buffet.

Where is he?

Club's closed, Fat Man.

I'm on vacation.

I've come for Fingal, Rick.

CROW: Fingalrick? What is that? Some kind of a Rhine wine?

FAT MAN: Search the place. He must be here somewhere.

SERVO: Oh, Rolf, no.

I wish my brother, George, were here.

Oh, Rick, oh.

He died protecting the Cointreau.

That was my best geek.

Stay where you are.

SERVO: I'm getting your heart attack pills.

MIKE: Geez.

♪♪

CROW: And, you know, Eraserhead was easier

to follow than this movie.

MIKE: That's-- is that James Joyce back there?

-CROW: It is. -SERVO: Riverrun.

Ms. James, why are you voluntarily breaking contact

-with Fingal? -MIKE: Yeah.

SERVO: What is your deal?

-Oh. -You are losing him!

CROW: His lava lamp's out of control.

SERVO: He looks drunk to me.

Hey, you know what? It's Tazz.

[ Makes noise ]

-What now? -CROW: Try jiggling it.

♪♪

MIKE: Moliere looks on.

Fingal?

Fingal, you are mine.

CROW: With Bearnaise sauce.

Thank you, Ms. James.

Your contact with Fingal is no longer required.

You will no longer be able to communicate with him.

Cube destruct, three minutes.

SERVO: The director's neck right in my hands.

CROW: Yeah.

FAT MAN: Fingal, you are mine!

SERVO: [ Whistles ]

[ Belches ]

Mr. Fingal.

CROW: Draw me some butter.

FAT MAN: You are being terminated.

SERVO: With extreme pork chops.

FAT MAN: Stay out of it, Rick.

♪♪

CROW: Well, I feel so sorry for his shirt.

One sec, Rick. That's all I need.

Stay out of it, Rick.

[ Techno sounds ]

I'm interfaced!

[ Indistinct ]

[ Screams ]

SERVO: The prime rib is gone.

Fingal.

-Fingal. -CROW: Der Bingle,

Kris Kringle, Pat Hingle.

♪♪

♪ You must remember this ♪

My liver has been pierced.

MIKE: Oh, I don't know.

I guess, I'm more disappointed than shocked.

CROW: I should probably marry the catsups before I die.

SERVO: Hey, did you hear?

I'm interfaced, you know?

-RICK: Fingal. -SERVO: How about that, huh?

It's up to you.

It's okay, buddy.

I can handle it.

CROW: And just what is the "it" which is to him up

at which he can perhaps handle?

MIKE: That, I don't know.

He didn't tell me what the dinner special was.

SERVO: But now that he's interfaced,

we're gonna see some, uh, uh...

-MIKE: I don't know. -FAT MAN: Well, Mr. Fingal,

it is your turn.

CROW: To feed me.

Cube destruct, 90 seconds.

SERVO: Oh, here's the big one.

♪♪

SERVO: Hang on.

I'm passing a ham through my left ventricle.

CROW: Ah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

See, with him being interfaced and all,

it really makes sense that he, uh, you know,

no, forget it.

MIKE: Man, it's a real dilemma because, you know,

Fingal's the only cook on tonight.

SERVO: People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here.

CROW: Think of the sausages I'll never eat.

MAKE: Most face any screen has ever held.

CROW: Yeah.

Cube destruct, 30 seconds.

Come on, Fingal.

SERVO: Come on, what?

CROW: You know, my apathy is palpable at this point.

MIKE: T-zones, graphically portrayed.

Cube destruct, 15 seconds.

[ Screams ]

SERVO: Yay!

Why am I cheering? I don't know, but yay.

♪ One less cake to baking ♪

♪ Twelve less eggs to fry ♪

Cube destruct...

Five, four, three...

-Two, one. -SERVO: Ah, shut up.

Shut up!

- Destruct. -Fingal?

SERVO: I got spurs that Jingle Jangle Jingle.

MIKE: Vertigo to hell.

Dammit, Fingal, where are you?

Apollonia, where are you?

CROW: Gee, you think she might be sitting

on her bony rear end in that room

with her hand to her ear?

Ms. James, you are in danger.

Do not attempt to contact Fingal.

He has created a massive energy surge.

You could be destroyed.

Can't lose you now.

MIKE: The energy surge gave her a new hairdo.

We haven't even had a dance together.

CROW: Well, you never bought a muffler together, either.

What's the point?

APOLLONIA: If you don't get out,

you'll be nothing but a flow of electrons.

SERVO: I like it, though!

Wee, it's fun!

Woo-hoo!

Electrons don't dance, Fingal.

It don't make love.

CROW: They're Lutherans.

SERVO: You kidding?

What happened to the electron sex party right now?

Wee!

Hello?

I don't know where you are.

MIKE: I love you this much.

SERVO: I don't care for you.

But I'm starting the transfer.

Ms. James,

this procedure is not recommended.

CROW: Hey, hey, Hal, why don't you go on break?

-Huh? - I recommend you accept

the cancellation of Aram Fingal.

APOLLONIA: We're going to save him.

I don't care what the risks are. I order you to begin

-that transfer. - As you say...

CROW: You know what would've saved this movie?

Surf music.

Man, surf music makes anything good.

[ Makes noise ]

See what I mean?

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Pond's fortifying cream,

diminishes tiny lines while you sleep.

CROW: Mike, I think she really is Billy Squier.

SERVO: Raul...

Wake up.

So, what, the final two hours of the movie

is in slow motion now?

CROW: You have a jellybean stuck to your hair.

MIKE: Now, she turns into a werewolf.

-CROW: Yeah. -MIKE: No.

-CROW: Oh. -MIKE: I guess not.

SERVO: Hi.

FINGAL: Nice to meet you, Ms. James.

SERVO: Uh-oh.

CROW: Oh.

Eating Raul.

SERVO: I guess.

♪♪

You really are too much.

You know that, Fingal?

SERVO: Too much, yeah.

FINGAL: Gotta get going, there's still a lot to do.

SERVO: Oh, not on our count, feel free to add.

MIKE: Yeah, whatever.

What are you doing?

I just erased Aram Fingal.

He never existed.

Try me.

CROW: So, lots to do meant a few taps on the keyboard.

Aram Fingal, no file.

-Put your thumb right there. -Wait a minute.

You'll need a new identity as much as I will.

APOLLONIA: You could've asked.

But all right, all right.

What's my name?

FINGAL: Ingrid Lazlo.

-SERVO: Ooh. -And what's yours?

Just call me Rick.

And what's happening now?

I'm taking care of the chairman.

He's going on for a month's compulsory rehab.

You're putting him in Daisy?

Daisy's too good for the bastard.

He's going on as an anteater.

-Now, lay off the anteaters. -CROW: Come on.

-SERVO: Man. -I guess, you have to go now.

-Yeah. -CROW: But just number one.

Don't worry.

-You can stay here. -What are you gonna do...

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Listen, I'm not just gonna disappear.

I'm gonna fight.

Not let the system run me anymore,

and I don't want you to get hurt.

I can take care of myself.

MIKE: You know, if Raul was Scott LeDoux,

he'd be on the floor now.

♪♪

SERVO: Oh, and, I guess, "PBS" means

"Public Boinking System," huh?

CROW: Do people ever lock tongues and get stuck that way?

MIKE: Hmm.

SERVO: Man, I'm more interested

in those little rectangles back there.

MIKE: See? Oh, you know.

FINGAL: I was thinking about getting a place.

-MIKE: Fried or broiled? -SERVO: Don't.

FINGAL: A club on the other side of town.

We can call it, "Rick's Place."

Get a piano player.

Wait, this'll only take a second.

CROW: Let me show you this really hard FreeCell game.

SERVO: Man, I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.

-MIKE: Well, they did. -SERVO: Oh.

Well, but I'm sorry about that.

♪♪

MIKE: Well, I guess, this movie was kinda like

watching Casablanca .

Well, having a small child use your groin

as a punching bag.

-SERVO: Yeah. -CROW: Yeah.

But I hate this movie.

It's on AMC every week.

SERVO: Wait, wait. I was working on a project

with the UN provide emergency aid.

Oh, well, never mind.

♪♪

MIKE: And now, the news.

That was the news.

CROW: You know, if I was gonna scrawl up a cinema,

I'd scrawl up, uh, I don't know.

Maybe Dirty Dingus McGee.

SERVO: Yeah, you don't see that enough, do you?

CROW: No.

MIKE: Man, that was a very bad and confusing movie, huh?

There sure was something they could do.

CROW: Well, why don't you call tech support?

MIKE: Tech support for Overdrawn at the Memory Bank?

CROW: Yeah, I'm sure they get a lot of complaints.

They better have a tech support.

-SERVO: Why not? -MIKE: Well, okay.

We'll give it a try.

[ Phone tone ]

MIKE: Let's see, uh...

MIKE: 1-800, what?

-S-U-C-K? -CROW: Or, yeah.

MIKE: Hey, it's ringing.

MAN: Welcome and thank you

for calling our award-winning

24-hour technical support service

for "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank".

Please be prepared with a specific problem

regarding "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank",

in order to facilitate assistance

from one of our skilled Overdrawn

at the Memory Bank technicians.

MIKE: Oh, yeah. I'm prepared with some specific problems

about "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank", all right.

Don't have to worry about that.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support.

This is Mandy. How can I help you?

MIKE: Well, first of all, let me see.

WOMAN: Sir, let me take care of some common

troubleshooting possibilities right away.

Are you in fact watching "Overdrawn

at the Memory Bank?"

-MIKE: Yes, yeah. -CROW: Yes.

WOMAN: We do find that people new to our "Overdrawn

at the Memory Bank" family viewers

can make a simple mistake in actually be watching

- another movie. -SERVO: Uh-uh.

-CROW: What? -WOMAN: If that is the case,

then, we would urge you to call the appropriate

technical support service,

for we are legally unable

to provide support for other...

MIKE: Look, look, we're watching "Overdrawn

at the Memory Bank", the credits are rolling right now.

WOMAN: So, it's not complete yet?

MIKE: Well, no, but I mean, we...

WOMAN: We strongly advise our customers to view

the entire film.

It is impossible for us to gauge the accuracy

of any confusion or complaint...

MIKE: Look, how are the credits gonna help the fact

that we have no idea what was going on with anything?

-CROW: Yeah -SERVO: Yeah.

MIKE: What was the, "I'm interface" thing?

What was the skinny woman doing

when she was licking her watch?

-SERVO: Yeah. -MIKE: Hey, hey, why the pinch

mouth cockney creep

and, "The guy just reverses the access code."

-CROW: Really? -MIKE: Who thought that was

-well-crafted screenwriting? -WOMAN: Sir...

MIKE: And the music was the most insipid...

-SERVO: Banal. -CROW: Banal.

-MIKE: Banal noodling... -CROW: Yeah.

MIKE: ...I've ever heard in my life.

WOMAN: Sir, those are unfortunate design flaws,

which we do acknowledge.

MIKE: Well, what can I do about it?

WOMAN: When did you purchase your version of "Overdrawn

at the Memory Bank?"

MIKE: I didn't purchase it.

-I just, uh... -WOMAN: Uh-huh.

So, you are an unauthorized viewer

of "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"?

-MIKE: I don't--I'm... -WOMAN: I am legally required

to report this violation of all...

-SERVO: Hang up. -CROW: Hang up.

SERVO: Hang up, hang up. Get out of here. Run.

CROW: Well, that got us nowhere.

SERVO: We're in trouble.

MIKE: That went bad.

BOBO: Oh, come on, man.

You don't wanna do this, man.

Listen to me, man. You don't wanna end up

-in the bone orchard, man. -Oh.

Get down, Mike.

-BOBO: I know you're scared... -What's going on?

Ssh, hush, Mike.

Bobo's trying to talk Henry down.

-BOBO: Uh-uh. -Huh?

Well, yeah, sure, I used to throw stuff in my day.

Huh?

Okay, you're on, Henry.

MIKE: Down. Whoa.

BOBO: This is the answer.

Thank you for that microwave.

-Incoming! -Whoa!

BOBO: Okay. Now...

-Yahoo! -MIKE: Okay. I have an idea.

Hold on, you guys.

I'm gonna use a blowgun.

It won't hurt him a bit.

Okay. Okay.

BOBO: Oh, buddy. Ow.

Buddy. Oh, whoa.

Mike, no.

They weren't hurting anybody.

Yeah, except for us.

But still, I mean, man.

-You're mean. -What was I supposed to do?

Sit down here and let him throw refrigerators at me?

-Oh, but this... -They were playing, Mike.

This is the most terrible thing...

-Geez. -Hey.

That's-- does anybody mind if I use the phone for a second

-to call Pearl? -Yeah, wait, no, no.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -...give me, tote bag,

tote bag.

♪♪

[ Phone ringing ]

Yeah?

Look, Servo, we're out of tote bags.

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, okay, for a $25.000 pledge,

you can get a, uh, an ashtray for your premium.

Payment plan?

Yeah.

You send me a cash year's check for the whole amount.

No, thank you, Servo.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Um, Public Pearl.

Because, uh, where the hell else

are you gonna see public television crap, huh?

That's right.

Nowhere else but public television, so come on.

Pay up, freeloaders.

Keep the money coming.

And remember, cash money.

Oh, yeah.

Always grease your phone bank.

Here you go, Ortega.

Buy yourself some Irish Spring, huh?

[Theme music]