Original subtitles

[♪]

Professor Dunkfeather is concentrating.

Ah. Just as I suspected.

She had dandruff.

Proving absolutely a case of suicide.

What is it, Perkins?

This is Mr. Wallace from The Times.

He's come to interview you.

Excellent. That will be all, Perkins.

Eh, Professor Dunkfeather, my paper wants the inside story

on the breaking up of the great spy ring. Eh, Professor Dunkfeather, my paper wants the inside story

on the breaking up of the great spy ring.

By far, the strangest case in all my experience.

It began one day when three master salesmen

were canvassing from house to house.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

If we don't sell one of these reducing machines today,

the landlady said we'd be sleeping on the sidewalk.

Say, I stopped the landlady this morning. How?

I says, "Do you want us to be patriotic and buy war bonds,

or do you want us to be unpatriotic and pay the rent?"

[CHUCKLES]

You had her there.

That's what I thought, but if we don't pay the rent,

we still sleep on the sidewalk.

Yes? Good day, madam, we-- Ahem.

We represent the Miracle Reducing Machine Company Inc.

Our machine is guaranteed to take off 10 pounds a day.

Are you kidding? Our machine is guaranteed to take off 10 pounds a day.

Are you kidding?

Ahem. As I said before,

this remarkable machine puts on 10 pounds an hour.

No, I don't want any. You peddlers are driving me crazy.

Precisely why we're here, madam.

We, too, loathe those scurrilous door-to-door leeches.

My vice president will show you exactly what I mean.

Show her, vice.

Well, I'll take one of those.

Thank you.

That'll be 50 cents.

Thank you. Now about this remarkable machine of ours--

You know, we generally get with the-- Oh!

What are you walkin' into me for?

I almost had her sold.

The miracle machine of the age.

And if you increase the voltage, you can knock off 20 pounds.

[GIGGLES]

Really? Really. Ready?

Contact. Contact.

Contact. Contact. Contact.

Contact.

[BUZZING]

Feel those pounds oozing off?

Yes. Yes.

And if you get tired of using it as a reducing machine,

it makes a remarkable cocktail shaker.

I'll take one.

Make her out a receipt.

[BUZZING STOPS]

Hey, it's off. Oh.

How do you spell "fifty"? Make it 75.

What did you say? I say, "It's nice to be alive."

Wonderful rain we had last night.

Marvelous. It simply drenched the place.

Practically wet everything.

[FABRIC RIPPING]

[CURLY YELPS]

What happened?

You get out of here. Wait a minute, lady. Now, look.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

CURLY: Whoo-whoo-whoo!

What has that got to do with the spy ring?

Nothing.

But late that same day,

they came to the home of Graves, the great inventor.

They had been walking for miles and miles and miles.

Whew. Boy, what a neighborhood.

This is the first house we've come to in five miles.

The guy who lives here must be a hermit.

Yeah.

If we don't sell anything here, me and my feet is quittin'. Yeah.

If we don't sell anything here, me and my feet is quittin'.

MAN: What is it?

What's what?

I didn't say nothin'.

No, but I did.

Shut up.

What do you want?

[ALL WHIMPER]

We wanna see the owner on important business.

This guy don't wanna buy nothin'.

No, he's heavy enough.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Go ahead.

Come on. Ungh!

We didn't do nothin'.

Say, what's the idea of all the clocks?

Mr. Graves, the master,

must know what time it is in all countries.

What time is it? Shhh.

In two seconds, it'll be 5:00 in Russia.

Yo...

ho...

ho.

Hey, let's come back at 12:00 and hear the whole song.

Shut up.

Mr. Graves is in his den. Follow me.

Go ahead.

Oh. What country are you from?

[SCREAMS THEN WHIMPERS]

[BARKS]

[BARKING]

[CHITTERS, GRUNTS]

Hello, doc. What's cookin'?

Ah, the new caretakers. Fine, fine.

Now, your wages are $100 a month,

room and board.

But we're not-- Ohh. Yes, we are. Ha-ha!

I want you to look out for spies,

especially Jap spies.

You're not a Jap, are you?

Nyuh. Me, a Jap?

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! I'll tear you--

Wait a minute. He meant sap, not Jap.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I want one of you boys to take this gun...

just in case. Uh--

Are you sure you know how to handle that gun?

Are you kiddin'?

That's the front end, that's the back end,

this is the gimmick you pull. [BULLET RICOCHETS]

[WHIMPERS] [CHUCKLES]

This was the gun.

Then Graves is the master spy.

I'll tell the story.

Mr. Graves was called away on a secret mission,

so he had the three salesmen brought to his den,

where he gave them instructions.

Gentlemen, I've been called away to Washington

to demonstrate my new death-ray machine.

It will destroy millions.

Yeah, but what's that got to do with us?

Just this: While I'm gone,

I want you men to sleep in the house

so enemy spies won't break in and steal any of my inventions.

If enemy spies get fresh with us,

I'll dash their head against the wall.

I'll chop off their arms. I'll break their eardrums.

[WHIMPERS]

If an emergency arises, use this bomb.

It will destroy everything and everybody.

Ah, we won't need that,

long as I got my old trusty shootin' iron.

Be careful with that thing.

You got nothing to worry about.

I unloaded it. See?

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

Nahhh.

[WHIMPERS]

You unloaded it, huh?

I'll unload your brains, if you got any.

Now, remember, boys, you will defend my property

until your life's blood flows down the floor in rivers.

Okay, boss, you got nothin' to worry about.

[WHIMPERS]

Did he say "blood"? I'm anemic.

[ALL WHIMPER]

There goes Graves and his bodyguard.

This is our chance. What about those three guys?

We'll take care of them.

What do you suppose I got these outfits for?

I'll signal when I get inside.

The place is all locked up, and we're the only ones in here.

[PIANO PLAYS RACHMANINOFF'S "PRELUDE"]

Oh. Rachmaninoff's "Prelude".

And believe me, that's a hard piece.

May I have this dance? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Say. You're not a bad dancer. May I have this dance? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Say. You're not a bad dancer.

You dance like you got your legs on backwards.

I bet you tell that to all the boys.

Wait a minute.

If we're here alone, who's playin' the piano?

What difference does--?

[PIANO PLAYS RANDOM NOTES]

Hey, there's nobody there.

Let's sneak up on him. Go ahead.

Ah, look.

Ha-ha! Kitten on the keys.

Yeah. See? We got nothin' to worry about.

[AIR WHISTLING]

[MAN CACKLES]

[COUGHS]

But, professor, who threw the pie?

That was one of the mysteries.

You will see as I continue.

The next thing that happened,

the salesmen were in a conference.

[MAN LAUGHING]

What was that?

[MORSE CODE BEEPING]

Shortwave. Take it down, quick.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

What's it say? [IMITATES BEEPING]

Aw, shut up. [WHINES]

What'd that mean? [IMITATES BEEPING]

You too?

We can't cover this place right unless we split up.

You go in the den. You go in the basement.

Go ahead, get started. Mmph!

That's a strange story, professor,

but who was throwing those pies?

Ah. Wouldn't you like to know?

But wait.

Right after that, there was something else happened

that baffled description.

[MAN LAUGHING]

Nothin' around here to be afraid of... I hope.

Thanks.

[MUFFLED WHIMPER]

[MUFFLED YELPING]

Hey, Moe, there's nobody here but--

Where'd he go? I don't know.

Hey, Moe. Moe.

Hey, Moe. Where are you?

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

"How to Make Friends and Keep Them." Four volumes.

Where's the other one? Oh! Mmph!

What? Did you see what happened?

No. No?

[LAUGHS]

Look in there.

I don't see nothin'.

Stand aside.

[YELLS, GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[YELLS]

An octopus. Look out.

Oh.

Oh. Mmph!

An octopus.

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

[YELLING]

I got him. I got him. I-- I--

[SPUTTERS, WHIMPERS]

Was that you?

Yeah.

I'll knock you head right through your socks.

[AIR WHISTLING]

[SPLUTTERS]

[WHIMPERS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo- whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo- whoo-whoo!

Let me in there.

[YELPS]

[YELPS]

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERING]

Hey, Larry. Is anybody followin' me?

No, but when I opened the door,

there was a Jap spy standin' there and-- Argh!

[WHIMPERING]

[MAN LAUGHS]

[MAN MOANS]

[WHIMPERING]

Hey. I just saw the devil.

He stabbed me with his pitchfork.

He had flame comin' out of his nose. He had a big, long--

[WHIMPERS THEN YELLS]

What the--? Mmph. I must be haunted.

[WHIMPERS] What the--? Mmph. I must be haunted.

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

[YELPING]

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

Maybe it's me.

[WHIMPERS THEN CHITTERS]

[WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

[SCREAMS]

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS, BARKS]

[WHIMPERS

[WHIMPERS]

Shhh. Yeah.

[WHIMPERS]

[FRUSTRATED WHINING]

[FRUSTRATED WHINING CONTINUES]

[WHIMPERS]

[CURLY GROANING]

Hey. I just saw a ghost.

Was he a fat one? Yeah.

That was me. Oh.

[MAN LAUGHING WILDLY]

[WHIMPERS]

[CHATTERING]

[WHIMPERING]

[CONTINUES WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

Hey, fellas. The bear was stranglin' me.

He ripped both my arms off.

[MAN LAUGHING]

[ALL WHIMPERING]

[ALL YELP]

Take it easy, now. S-stand back.

Don't touch us. Mmph!

The bomb. Stand back.

Stand back, or I'll mail you to the undertaker.

[CHITTERS]

Mm. Come here, I mean it. I mean it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We'll annihilate you. Ha-ha-ha!

[WHINES]

[SCOFFS] [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Hey, somebody lit it. Ha-ha!

[ALL WHIMPERING]

I guess we fixed them. You said it.

[ALL GROANING]

[AIR WHISTLING]

[MAN LAUGHING]

What happened? Who did that?

Who threw those pies?

Professor, I can't stand it any longer.

Who was throwing those pies?

Oh. I threw the pies.

[LAUGHING]

[AIR WHISTLES]

[♪]