All language subtitles for Mad About You - S03E20 - Money Changes Everything-ing

FRAN: Okay. Check this out.
JAMIE: Wow, is that from sex?

Uh-huh. Good for you.

(CHUCKLING) I know.

♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop
my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump
into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

Okay. Fran and I drew up
some preliminary figures.

How much? Oh, James,
I only got one store.

You want to expand into
mail order, this is what it costs.

PAUL: Honey? What?

Where's my lucky socks?

I'm washing them.

Here, how about this photographer
thing? Do we really need that?

You what?

They're in the laundry. It's a
catalogue. You need pictures.

Why? Why?

Because they were
dirty. Because you do.

Babe, today is the day I'm
supposed to hear about my grant.

A man needs his lucky socks.

I could take the pictures.

Wear my lucky socks. You
can't take the pictures. Sure I can.

Your lucky socks are pink.

You know what? You're giving
me a headache. BOTH: Who?

Both of you.

I just put them in
the dryer. Oh, jeez.

James, why can't
I take the pictures?

Because you need a
professional. Okay. But this much?

It's Duvalier. The dictator?

Yes, he's looking
for work, actually.

The product photographer.

You've been talking
about this all year.

You want it to be right,
don't you? Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how
I'm gonna pay for it.

Well, if you want to
wait, we should wait.

No. No. No. Now is the
time. I just... I gotta find a way.

You want some
coffee? If it's free.

I saw Susannah at school
yesterday. Oh, yeah?

She said things with you
two are pretty... What?

Nothing, but I'm glad.

Did you find them? Yeah, they were
underneath, like, a thousand towels.

Ugh. You put his socks in with my
towels? Oh, get a grip on yourself.

What... What are you doing? You're
bringing over your dirty towels now?

No. They're not dirty towels. They're
new towels. You got to wash before use.

You bought new towels? Yeah, so?

So, Susannah, huh?

Susannah what? Oh, come on.

You've been wiping your
hands on your pants since 1964.

New towels? I know.

Okay, settle down.

Honey, honey, these are wet. Hey, I'm
not goin' out there without these socks.

Just, you do your
little business.

You know something, I always
wanted to be an 800 number.

Isn't that cool?
Oh, I feel lucky now.

(SOCKS SQUISHING)

MAN: He shoots.
Boom! I mean, bang!

I mean, I almost
made up a new word.

Hey, dude, well, where do you
get that except for in Boston?

PAUL: Exactly. I mean, and you'd
go wild. I used to turn the TV off

and put the radio on just
to listen to Johnny Most.

PAUL: There you go. Oh,
yeah, you should move to Boston.

All right, uh, terrific. Yeah.

I think... I think we
got it. It's good. Yeah.

(DOORKNOB CLICKING)
Okay, nice talking to you. Okay.

Was that the door? No.

You would think the mail would
be here by now, wouldn't you?

Why do they call it
Boston Cream Pie?

What? It's a cake.

I don't know. Why don't
they let you know by phone?

You know what I mean? "Hello,
Mr. Buchman, you've won the grant." Simple.

Think about it. It's got no
crust. You can put a candle in it...

But, no, they've gotta
mail it to you. Pie my ass.

I mean, they're closing up
Boston Garden, that's a film.

(SOCKS SQUISHING) Just give
me my money, let me finish the movie.

Are you squishing?

What? Oh... It's my socks.

Why do they call 'em socks?
What is with you today?

(DOOR OPENING)

All right, here we go. Here we
go. What do you think? We got it?

Not a good sign.

Can we help you?

Hello, Paulie.

Marianne? Surprise!

Marianne. Surprise.

Marianne. Surprise.

Good one. I'm his cousin.
Sid Novak, charmed.

Okay. First of all,
she's not my cousin.

Through marriage, and
then divorce. You know Ira?

Sure. How would you like to
have a nice cinnamon crawler?

Oh, that would be
divine. I'll get it for you.

So this is where you work?

Yeah. Listen, a-aren't you supposed
to be in Monaco or something?

Luxembourg. You know,
they're very sensitive about that.

All right. E-Either way, how
come... how come you're not there?

Paul, the Count is dead.

What Count? My husband.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. He had a good life.

He had fun. He
got to be a Count.

All right. Well, in that case, nice
to see you. Thanks for coming by.

Come on, Paulie, don't tell
me you still hold a grudge.

I mean, Ira forgave
me. Why can't you?

Ira is just a more
evolved person.

I promise I didn't come
back to this continent

to make trouble for you
or any of your relatives.

Yeah, I'm... I'm
sure that's true.

Is it too much to ask, a little
compassion for a grieving widow?

Oh, Paulie...

He was so classy.

It'll... It'll... It'll be okay.

(SOBBING)

I don't know. Sure.

(BLOWING NOSE) All
right, come on. Come on.

There.

Oh, thank you.

(SIGHS)

So how's Ira?

You know what you did? You
washed the luck right out of these.

JAMIE: All right
then. Seriously.

Look at my day. I... I... I didn't get
my grant, and then Marianne shows up.

Plus, I found a, like, a big
eyelash in my egg salad.

An eyelash? A big long eyelash.

How do you know
it wasn't a hair?

Because I'm deciding
it was a eyelash.

Put on your shoes.
They'll be here any minute.

All right. Oh, do me a favor.

Do not mention to Ira that
Marianne is back in town.

You know she's gonna go
see him. Well, not necessarily.

'Cause I told her, you
know, he's involved in a thing

and he's getting his life in
order. You convinced her?

Well, plus he's in Brazil.

Brazil? On a mountain in Brazil.

He'll be fine. Well, you
know, Ira's been doing great.

So? So traditionally, Ira
doesn't do so good with great.

What does that mean?

All right, 1974, he's about to win a
scholarship to Berklee School of Music,

the night before his SATs
he decides to try peyote.

All right. It's not
like... All right,

three years ago he's
up for the job at Nike.

He goes into the final
interview, he's wearing PF Flyers.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) Still.

All I'm saying is he's finally
found a terrific woman.

I'm not gonna let
him screw it up.

You know something,
you're very sweet.

Yeah, well, you've got
some nice qualities yourself.

Hi, you ready? One second.

Hi.

So, uh, see anybody
today? Like who?

I don't know. I'm just making
conversation. Come on, let's go.

Oh, Jamie, I got those
psyche notes you wanted.

He bought towels. I heard.

Wait, now he's telling people
he bought towels? Yeah.

Oh, this is moving way too fast.

Come on. Come on. Come
on. We've got to get tickets still.

Hello. Who's
hungry? Brazil, huh?

Like I fell off the
turnip truck. Hello, Ira.

Marianne. Surprise.

Where'd you come
from? The Plaza.

(CHUCKLING)
Hello, old Jamie. Aw.

And you who I do
not know. Susannah.

Susannah, this is Marianne.

Actually, it's Contessa Marianne,
but why be formal? I'm his ex.

I know.

Nice to meet you. You, too.

You know, Marianne,
we were just goin' out, so...

So, now you don't have to.
Honey, get some plates. Sure.

Oh, you don't have
to get plates, sweetie.

Okay. Let's see now.

We have, oh, I got
caviar, champagne,

steak tartar,
steak not so tartar.

Oh, maybe some
flatware. Yeah, okay.

Love her. Oh,
yeah, she's terrific.

Marianne, what are you doing? I
thought you were in Luxembourg.

Ira, the Count is dead.

Dead? Completely.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's very tragic.

All I have left is my memories,

my title,

and more money than Canada.

Look, Marianne,
we were actually...

Oh, here, fold these like ducks.

Here we go.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Hey, you want to see my
Contessa stuff? That's okay.

There's stuff? Of
course there's stuff.

Want to wear my
tiara? It's bejeweled.

You know what, I... I really do.
PAUL: You know, you know...

Get my bag.

Don't... Don't wear
her tiara. Why not?

'Cause you don't... you
don't know where it's been.

Oh, okay then, Maybe later.
You slice cheese? I have.

Go slice.

She's a keeper, Paulie.
Where's my ducks?

So, how you doin'?

I'm doin' good. I'm no
Contessa, but good.

You know, I... I
took over the store,

maybe thinking of starting
a new catalogue and...

Oh, you need money?
Actually, yeah. That's okay.

Oh, please. It's cumbersome.

Marianne, I... I can't
take your money.

Oh, consider it a loan. All
right. All right. I'll think about it.

No. No. No. You're not gonna think
about it. Paulie, I'll think about it.

Oh, you're just cranky because
you didn't get your grant.

Fine. I'll do the ducks.

How do you know about my
grant? Sid told me over lunch.

Look, if you need
a little financing...

No, no, no, no, I don't need any
financing. We're all fine here, Marianne.

We don't need your money. We don't
need your tiara. I just want to try it on.

You don't... You don't need it.

Marianne, we don't need
anything from you. Thank you.

Oh, say, I got two floor tickets
for the Knicks tomorrow night.

You boys want 'em? Yeah.

Hey... She's got 'em,
they're gonna go to waste.

Fine, then I'm
trying on the tiara.

I don't want you
to put on the tiara.

Oh, come on. Let's go
heat up the fras gois.

She's looking good, huh? What
are you... What are you doing?

What? We're old friends.

You... You... Come on, you bought
new towels. Don't... Don't start this.

Start what? I'm thinking of maybe
taking a business loan, that's all.

Have you forgotten what
this woman does to you?

IRA: Paulie, do me a
favor, don't worry about it.

Hey, hey, hey. She
forgot toast points.

What is this? I'm
wearing the tiara.

Hi. Hey, I thought you
were in school today.

We're gonna study
here. What are you doing?

(SIGHS) Goin' over small
merchant loans. For what?

'Cause it helps me unwind.

I just want Ira to know
what his options are.

I thought we agreed
not to get involved.

Yeah, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna
let him get ensnared by Marianne again?

He's not ensnared. I'm telling you,
this woman, she's got a power over him.

What power? The
power of ensnarement.

Once she reels him
in, she throws him back.

She reels him in,
she throws him back.

She reels him in...
All right, I get it.

She throws him back.
Thank you, I get it.

Aren't you guys
going to the game?

Yeah. Hey, yes.

Yes. Wave to me.

What? On TV.

I'm gonna be watching the game.
You know what, I'll wave to you now.

Come on, ready,
splinky? Courtside.

Paulie, two on the floor.

Can you believe it? It's
like Nicholson, but it's us.

Listen, I just need you to sign
these papers, then we can go.

What kind of papers? These
are for the loan, from Marianne.

When did this happen?

We had lunch this afternoon.

Why did you go and do that for?

Because I was hungry
and she was paying.

You don't need Marianne. Listen,
I checked out some banks for you.

Banks? They charge interest.
She's not charging interest?

No. She said she still
felt bad about the peyote.

So sign them, will you?

Why do I have to sign this?

Because, like an idiot, I went and
made you a silent partner in a business.

Come on, Paulie,
we've got floor seats.

So I have to sign this? Yeah.

Or you don't get the money? Yes.

You know what? No.

What? Trust me, I'm doing
this for your own good.

Hey, hey, hey, I don't need you
to protect me, okay? I never did.

Yeah, all right. How about when
you spilled milk on Matty Escobar?

Hey, come on. I could
have handled him.

You were crying like
a little girl. Come on.

Look, we're not kids anymore.
Just take the pen. I'm not taking it.

You're taking the pen. I'm
not taking it. I'm not taking it!

Oh, this is just great.

I mean, this is easy for you,
Paulie, but I work for a living.

Excuse me, what do you
think I do? Oh, come on.

You sit up there making your
little movies, eating your crullers.

You know what, let's get
going before this gets really ugly.

What, like your shoes?

(WHISTLING) Now... Now,
you're just flailing wildly.

You know what? I don't even want
to go to a basketball game with you.

Suit yourself. I'm going.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
as hell not not going.

All right, here, you know
what, here's your ticket.

Great. Enjoy yourself. I will.

Good. So will I. Good luck.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(BLOWING)

Hey, would you two lighten up?

What? Just knock it off.

You're throwing my game.

You guys, actually,
you notice people? Ssh.

You're such a putz.

What did you say? No. No. No.
I wasn't... I wasn't talking to you.

I was... Hey, come
on. I wasn't talking...

All right, come on, let's
not... let's not get crazy. Hey!

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

COMMENTATOR: There seems to
be a little trouble happening courtside,

where Ewing and some
crazed fan are mixing it up.

(CROWD BOOING)

Oh, my God.

You are so good.

What are you guys doing?

Just, oops, just working.
Yeah? Need some help?

No. No, thanks.

All right. 'Cause if you do, if you
need, like, a male point of view

or a tie breaker, I'm
right in here. All right.

I'll give you $200 to
take him to the park.

What is the matter with him?

He hasn't spoken
to Ira in five days.

It's like he doesn't know
what to do with himself.

Hey, get me, I'm Carrie Fisher.

You thought that
was funny yesterday.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Fran, will you get
that? It's Ira. Sure.

Why is he coming over here?
We have to go over the catalogue.

I'm not signing those papers.
I'm not getting in the middle of this.

Oh, what, I don't know what
you're doing? What am I doing?

What, you invite him over and
then suddenly we start talking

and then things are
hunky-dory again.

That's right. I was up
all night mapping it out.

Well, if he wants to engage
me in conversation, that's fine.

But I'll tell you something. I'm
not gonna make the first move.

The layout is looking good. I
think we really got it this time.

Okay. Take a look at this paper
stock. It has just a hint of twig.

Yeah, I like the twig.

Ha, that's funny. What, sweetie?

The Triborough Bridge,
they gotta close it for repairs.

Oh, yeah, that's a riot.

What? What?

Were you talking to me? No.

All right. Good.

(GIGGLING) Okay. I think
it's time we pick out a...

James, could you
shut that thing off?

I'm not getting in
the middle of this.

Okay, we have to
pick out a typeface.

Now, we were thinking the letters
should be peppy but soothing.

Don't those R's look a little
aggravating? In what sense?

I don't know. I'm looking at the
R's, and I'm feeling something.

Aggravated? I gotta say.

(WHISTLES)

All right, we have to pick
out a photographer right now.

What about the French guy? Oh, no, I
met him. He doesn't do camping gear.

Can somebody hand me a Danish?

What? What?

What?

Were you talkin' to me?
No, were you talkin' to me?

I said somebody.
I didn't specify.

All right. Fine. Fine.

All right. Will
you two just stop?

Hey, if he wants to
open a discussion...

I'm not getting in
the middle of this.

(PLAYING WHISTLE)

That's it. That's it. That's it.
That's enough. What? What? What?

Would you two please just
talk to each other? Why?

Because obviously you want to.

Not me. Nor I.

(STAMMERING) You know...

You know, would you please
do me a favor? Tell your client...

Tell your client that he... That
I'm doing this for his own good.

Tell your husband I
already got a mother.

Tell your client that he's
about to jump off another cliff.

Yeah, well, tell
him, "Oh, yeah?"

That was very clever. Look.

This is my life, not yours.
Where do you get off here?

What? What? Oh, you
never had an opinion before?

Yeah, but I have the
grace to keep it to myself.

Oh, really? All
right. All right.

Did I tell you not to buy that '64
Corvette that you had your heart set on?

Did I tell you that nobody was gonna
want to see a movie about a button

that you were so gung ho about?

Did I tell you not to go out
with her in those first few months

when you were all
hot and bothered?

Yeah, as a matter of fact you
did. Whoa, whoa, excuse me.

Well, did you listen? No. What
am I gonna listen to you for?

What do you mean you told him not
to go out with me? What did I know?

I met you one time. You kept
on showin' off your vocabulary.

You never told me
he didn't like me.

'Cause you were so down on
him I didn't want to fuel the fire.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
You didn't like me?

On first impression you
were a little obsequious.

You see? There,
you're doing it again.

Look, look, listen to me.

Would you please tell your cousin
to keep his opinions to himself?

Will you please tell your wife
to stop making me obsequious?

Fran, do me... Do me a favor?

Could you please tell them
both how ridiculous they're being?

Would you tell your partner...
All right, I'm getting the hose.

Do you want me to sign the
papers? Is that what you want?

I believe that was
the request. Gimme.

They're at the store. Let's go.

Okay, we're going.

Hook yourself into Marianne.
Ruin your life again. I don't care.

Thank you. Go ahead.

I'm going. See if I care.

All right. I don't.

Plenty of people use obsequious.

IRA: Fine. PAUL: Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. I'm saying...

You boys... What
are you doing here?

I called the house and
missus told me the good news.

Come on, the Countess
is ready to transact.

Look. Just give me the papers
to sign and let me get out of here.

I got 'em.

Isn't it exciting?

You and me, like the old days?

Yeah, well, sort of.

I was thinking
Italian. Italian what?

Food. You know, tonight a little
Lasagna to celebrate our new involvement.

You notice how I'm
not saying anything?

Jeez, Marianne, that's...
that's really nice, but, you know,

I sort of... I sort of have
plans with Susannah.

And I love her.

But reschedule.

Still, I don't comment.

Look. Marianne...

Listen, it's not like you're married
or in business with her or anything.

See what's going on? And I...
I'm just like a model of self-restraint.

Excuse me, Paulie.

You know, I like to consider
myself a student of human nature.

So I just got to
ask you something.

What crawled up your butt?

Nothing. Me, nothing. Hey.

I'm a silent partner here.

Well, you're an
awfully noisy one.

Let's just say, Marianne, I don't
like the way you do business.

Gee, Paulie, that seems a shame,

seeing as I had a cashier's check
made out for you and everything.

What are you talking about?

Oh, just a little loan
for a basketball movie.

That's very cute. Thank
you, but no thank you.

Come on, Paul, it could
be such a good movie, too.

Like Citizen Kane, only taller.

You want it, don't you?

Marianne, do you think you can
just throw your money around?

Yeah.

No, but what I'm saying is you
think you just open up your purse

and everybody does
whatever you want?

Yeah.

Look. What good is money

if you can't get what you want?

Everybody wants
stuff, Paulie, even you.

It's just a means
to an end, that's all.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I am. Yeah.

You sign this, you get the
check, you get your movie

and maybe I throw the
pen in just for good luck.

No.

Marianne, you know something?

When you make a good argument,
you make a very good argument.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, now mine.
No, forget about it.

What are you talking about?
You're not taking her money.

Well, you did. Hey, she
has no power over me.

This is just business.
Oh, so this is great.

So, you get yours
but I get squat.

No, no, no, you get
your money. Where?

Right here.

What's this? This
is means to an end.

What are you talking
about? Just say, "Thank you."

Paulie, what, are you
nuts? You're welcome.

What's the difference?
I still owe her.

No, no, no. You
owe me. I owe her.

See how that works?

Very, very clever, Paulie,

the way you staged this
little uprising against me.

No, no, nothing, we
signed a contract. No.

No, I'm impressed.

You know, my late
husband, the Count,

used to stage
coups all the time.

Really? Well,
until they shot him.

All right, so, so no
hard feelings here?

No. Fair's fair.

And you know me, I'm a giver.

So, just so I sleep nights,

I'm gonna give you a big
wad of cash for your movie,

no strings attached.

Really?

No.

And you,

you, what am I
gonna do with you?

You have this power over me.

Jeez, it was great to
see you again, Marianne.

You, too.

Well, I guess it's
lasagna for one.

Marianne, it's not
right, you eating alone.

Paulie, go with her.

Come on, cousin.

All right, first of all, you know, when
you say coups, you understand...

It's okay, fine.

So you like it? I love it.

You know, it's not bejeweled.

Hers doesn't say,
"Happy New Year."

Very sweet, what you did
for Ira. Wasn't it, though?

I'm just sorry about your
movie. That's all right.

I think I'm gonna get
the money anyhow. How?

I'm gonna sue Patrick Ewing.

For what?

For my neck thing.

What neck thing? Ow.