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1
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,407
Mr. Mooney.
2
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,014
Mr. Mooney!
3
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,283
Mr. Mooney.
4
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,921
All right, thank you.
5
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:43,375
♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do
6
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:47,413
♪ Tell me who can stop
my heart as much as you
7
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,281
♪ Let's take each other's hand
8
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,470
♪ As we jump
into the final frontier
9
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,255
♪ I'm mad about you, baby
10
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,490
♪ Yeah! ♪
11
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,543
Hey, you guys.
Hey, listen, it's me.
12
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,966
I was on my way home,
13
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,135
I hit 16th Street and,
boom, I gotta pee.
14
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,970
Oh, man, do I gotta pee.
15
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,153
So, listen, I go to
Three Brothers, right?
16
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,587
Nick says, "Customers only."
17
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,851
I say, "I gotta pee."
18
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,279
He says, "Customers only."
19
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,427
I say, "Come on, I
come in here every day."
20
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:23,560
He says, "Buy something."
21
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,262
I say, "What? I just gotta pee."
22
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,097
He says... He says,
"Cup of coffee."
23
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,601
I said, "It defeats
the whole purpose."
24
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,492
(TOILET FLUSHES)
25
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,439
I mean, man, do
you believe that guy?
26
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:38,375
That attitude may play in
Greece, but not with me.
27
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,566
Hey, Paulie?
28
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,634
James?
29
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:43,702
Murray?
30
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,005
Hey!
31
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,043
Where are you guys?
32
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:00,051
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
33
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,555
Did you know that
I have 29 teeth?
34
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,495
Is your burger okay?
35
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,264
You barely touched it.
36
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,435
The chicken was a poem.
37
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,806
I said the chicken was a poem.
38
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:22,974
Really?
39
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,654
See, right there, I
was thinking chicken,
40
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:28,079
and then suddenly, I wasn't
in a chicken frame of mind.
41
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,262
Honey, do you think
Murray's okay out there?
42
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,253
Of course he is. A:
He's in the vestibule,
43
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,622
and, 2: He's got fur.
44
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,138
What's the matter, you're
saying he's not okay?
45
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:43,072
Honey, because if you're
saying he's not okay...
46
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,841
Sweetie, no, no, no, no.
You're right, you're right.
47
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,766
In fact, you are consistently
right. Me, not so much.
48
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,270
Pay attention to me!
49
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,604
All right. Sorry.
50
00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:58,321
You're not gonna believe this.
51
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,678
I mean, only to me, right?
52
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,358
I'm on the subway
and I meet this guy.
53
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,659
And he says, "What do you do?"
54
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,960
And I say, "I got a band."
55
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,629
He says, "You got
a band? I got a club."
56
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,464
I say, "Get your hand
out of my pocket."
57
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:11,256
Anyway, he hands me his card
and he's got this really sweet smile.
58
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,102
So, I call up the band
and I say, "Meet me."
59
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:16,127
So they meet me, only
Derek can't get off work, right?
60
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,564
So, we go up to the club.
61
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,399
Club, my ass. It's a roof.
62
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,100
I say, "It's a roof."
63
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,635
He says, "It's gonna be a club."
64
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,071
I say, "I got a closet. It's
gonna be a Baskin-Robbins."
65
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,407
I mean, why do these
things happen to me?
66
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,243
Who are you?
67
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:33,890
Want some coffee?
68
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,625
What time is it? Almost 8:00.
69
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,684
Yeah, we're fine. We're not
meeting Susannah till 9:00.
70
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,151
Oh, Susannah.
71
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:45,357
Oh, Susannah. Like you
know who I'm talking about.
72
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:49,628
Actually, the line is, "Oh,
Susannah, don't you cry for me."
73
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,974
Is the actual line...
I know Susannah.
74
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,877
Susannah. Your friend
Susannah... Susannah Magnatini,
75
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,369
tello, te, uh, toro. Magnatoro.
76
00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,905
Gould. Gould, yeah.
77
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,219
I know her, from your English...
78
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,786
Yeah, psychology...
psychology class.
79
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:04,887
Seminar. Seminar.
80
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,077
And my name would be?
81
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,247
Brenda?
82
00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:11,316
All right, so I've been a
little... little consumed lately.
83
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,795
You've done these
tapes a million times.
84
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,497
I know, but this
is... This is different.
85
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:17,066
This is the first one I actually
have to write the script for also.
86
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,257
Why did you do that?
87
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,802
'Cause I figured,
"How hard could it be?"
88
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,338
You know, the How
to Stucco Your Roof,
89
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,805
that one, I called in an expert.
90
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,263
But this one,
91
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:26,276
How to Find 'Em, Meet
'Em, and Make 'Em Yours.
92
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,134
Come on. I mean, who better?
93
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,204
Find 'Em Meet 'Em
and Make 'Em Yours?
94
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,507
Yeah. Hey, I have, in the past,
95
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:37,976
found them, met them,
and made them mine.
96
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,544
Let me see this.
97
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:40,979
Susannah Gould.
98
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:42,091
Yeah?
99
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,982
Yeah. From Jamie's
psych seminar.
100
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,395
Yeah? Yeah.
101
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,996
So where is she? Who, James?
102
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,688
Yeah. Um, I'm
early. I do that. Sorry.
103
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,390
Oh, you got cool stuff.
104
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,636
Hey, it's... it's...
105
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,237
You know how you get
a picture in your head?
106
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,938
I mean, this apartment,
I was right there.
107
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,496
You, I was way off.
108
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:58,830
Why? What'd you picture?
109
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,065
I don't know. Taller.
110
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,334
I'm 5'9".
111
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,336
Oh, yeah, right.
112
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,815
And a half. Oh, yeah, sure.
113
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,507
Okay. I'm sorry. It's
just, it's the picture.
114
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:09,619
In your head? Yeah.
115
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,603
Adjust it. I will.
116
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,245
Fine.
117
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,380
Fine.
118
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:16,615
I'm Ira.
119
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,917
These are things you did?
120
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:20,952
Yes.
121
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:23,141
When you were
single? That's right.
122
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,290
And who fell for this?
123
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,427
Okay, going backwards,
124
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,894
you...
125
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,108
No, no, no, no, no.
That was different. How?
126
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,576
Because when we met,
it was fate. It was fate.
127
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,778
It was. All right,
fine. It was fate.
128
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,045
Okay, good. It was fate.
129
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,414
Well, not everybody is lucky.
130
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:41,707
So, it is thus my duty to...
to help the fate-impaired.
131
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,788
What? Y-You don't think
this stuff would work?
132
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,345
I don't know, try it.
133
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:47,457
Yeah, okay. Good.
134
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,214
I'm serious. Go ahead.
135
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,460
Try it on who?
136
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,164
Whom? Stop it.
137
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,754
Right there. How about her?
138
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:57,055
She's too tall.
139
00:05:58,592 --> 00:05:59,758
She's cute.
140
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,526
GIRL: Oh, I love that.
141
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,261
A little too peppy.
142
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,500
Ah, okay. Right there.
She's perfect for you.
143
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,711
No sense of irony.
144
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,714
Come on. There must be
somebody. Who would you pick up?
145
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:31,790
All right. And I'm not
just saying this to suck up.
146
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,625
I... I would pick
up you. Come on.
147
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,805
No, seriously. Because,
you know, y-you're cute,
148
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,829
you got a perky sweater,
149
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:41,833
and you look like you would
irritate my mother just about enough.
150
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,002
Here we go. Pick me up.
151
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,682
I can't pick you up. Why not?
152
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:46,750
'Cause it's stupid.
153
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,507
You think you can't do it?
154
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,975
Of course I can do
it. I did it. You're up.
155
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,013
Come on. I'm here, you're
there, we've never met.
156
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:57,582
Okay.
157
00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,363
Ursula. Excuse me. I'd
like to buy the lady a drink.
158
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,427
Okay. So you want
separate checks?
159
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,770
No. All right. Well, now,
what about the chicken?
160
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,693
I already bought
the lady a chicken.
161
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,873
Now I'd like to buy
the lady a drink.
162
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,137
I'd like a champagne cocktail.
163
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,308
You don't drink those.
164
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,732
How do you know?
We've never met.
165
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,645
That's right. That's
right. Good point.
166
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,580
Champagne cocktail
for the anonymous lady.
167
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,905
Okay, now, should I
cancel the chicken?
168
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,343
Um, I... I already ate it.
169
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,647
Okay, I'm gonna
check with the chef.
170
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:34,285
Look, it was really
nice to meet you,
171
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:36,020
but I got to go.
172
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,255
Okay.
173
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:38,957
No, no. I got to go.
174
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:41,370
Yeah. Which means you got to go.
175
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,027
Why?
176
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,474
I can't just leave you here.
177
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:45,542
Why not? I'm waiting for Jamie.
178
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,243
It's not my place. So?
179
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,211
So, what kind of a
citizen would I be?
180
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:51,436
Come on, come on, come on.
181
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,772
You don't trust me?
I don't know you.
182
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,239
Look, it's cold out.
183
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,619
I'm not gonna leave you here.
184
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:57,776
Well, I'm not leavin'.
185
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,021
Well, you want me
to carry you out?
186
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,512
You want to meet my knee?
187
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,654
Fine.
188
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,755
Fine.
189
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,060
Honey, honey, it's okay. Here.
190
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,063
There you go, you've
bought me a drink.
191
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,832
Now what?
192
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,535
All right, now I would... Now
I would make eye contact.
193
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,837
It's very tricky.
194
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,717
It's... You know, it's a
very tricky science there.
195
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:28,818
With eye contact, you know,
196
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,319
'cause if it's too
little eye contact,
197
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,810
then you're darting around.
198
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,079
You know, you look shifty.
199
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,080
Nobody wants that.
200
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,127
And too much eye contact,
201
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,819
you know, you're like a lunatic.
202
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,655
So you got to walk
that very fine line.
203
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,937
How was that? Very good start.
204
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,105
Okay. Okay.
205
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,339
Go. All righty.
206
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,483
(MUMBLES)
207
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,637
You come here often?
208
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,661
Don't you hate these places?
209
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:12,685
Hmm.
210
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:18,322
Anybody ever tell you
you look like Jodie Foster?
211
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:23,903
(CLEARS THROAT)
212
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,267
Excuse me, ma'am,
could you pass the nuts?
213
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:39,010
I'm an orphan. Okay, honey...
214
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,913
Fine. You... You do
better. You try. You get me.
215
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,415
Okay.
216
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:45,929
Where you going? To get you.
217
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,396
I'm over here. I'm over there.
218
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,660
But I'm over here.
Soon, you'll be over there.
219
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:55,794
(CLEARS THROAT)
220
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,457
Well, that's not gonna work.
221
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,473
Chewing a straw.
222
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,274
"I'm chewing a straw.
223
00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:11,921
"I'm chewing a straw.
I'll be so attractive.
224
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,312
"Men will come to me
because I'm chewing a straw.
225
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,348
"I'm chewing a straw."
226
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:20,919
Chew it. It's so cute.
227
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,821
It's not gonna work.
228
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,125
Excuse me.
229
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,264
All right, it worked.
230
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,169
What, you hungry?
231
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,804
Yeah.
232
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,106
So, grab a knife.
233
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,724
So, you and Jamie, you
go to school together, huh?
234
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,781
Yeah. You're her cousin?
235
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,650
No, Paul's. Oh.
236
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,438
She's always saying
"My cousin Ira," so...
237
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,831
She says that? Yeah.
238
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,188
Well, that's nice. Oh, man!
239
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,190
They got Siegfried
and Roy matches.
240
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,794
Yeah. Paulie and Jamie
were in Vegas last year.
241
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:03,906
What are you doin'?
242
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:05,429
I told you, I collect 'em.
243
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,143
You just take stuff
without asking?
244
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,266
But they're matches.
245
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,146
But they're their matches. So?
246
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,290
So, what, you want to
take the toaster, too?
247
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,039
Oh, boy.
248
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,407
You got stuff in your head.
249
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,636
I don't have
anything in my head.
250
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,815
I could write a paper.
251
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,684
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
252
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:26,785
Hand 'em over.
253
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:31,257
Jeez.
254
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,395
So, you come here often?
255
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,710
Oh, not really. Don't
you hate these places?
256
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,000
PAUL: Oh, that's smooth.
257
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,069
Hey, I'm Mick.
258
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,268
Jamie.
259
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,571
You know, that's one
of my favorite names.
260
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,506
Oh, brother.
261
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,874
Can I buy you a drink?
262
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:53,311
Um... Your champagne cocktail.
263
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,779
The service is
great here, isn't it?
264
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,649
Put it on my tab.
265
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,819
Okay, now, what
about the chicken?
266
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,792
You know, you got a great smile.
267
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,894
Oh, thank you.
268
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,203
Actually, that's not bad.
269
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,899
I, uh, I don't mean
to embarrass you,
270
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,412
but it's not like
you haven't heard it
271
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,236
a million times before, right?
272
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,805
Just get him to talk slower.
273
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,542
Uh, excuse me, friend.
274
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:25,788
Uh... Me?
275
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,623
You. Oh, you know this guy?
276
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:28,687
Sort of.
277
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,159
Yeah, I'm her husband.
278
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,527
Oh, really? Paul.
279
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,184
Hey, Paul. Listen,
man, I'm sorry.
280
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,630
No, no. You go ahead. I'll
just take a couple of notes.
281
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,894
You go ahead.
282
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,804
Uh, no, hey, it's okay.
283
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:44,062
Um, I'm not into this. So, uh...
284
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:49,667
Thanks a lot.
285
00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:51,469
Oh, I'm sure he'll call.
286
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,807
Anyway, apparently, I win.
287
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,675
No, you got him,
you didn't get me.
288
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,122
I got you. How do you figure?
289
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,879
You're here.
290
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,680
I'm over here for research.
291
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,348
I'm not here
'cause of, you now...
292
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,617
All right. Fine, fine, fine.
293
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:08,386
What was that?
294
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,099
Whatever it is, you're over
here because you were jealous.
295
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,322
I wasn't jealous.
296
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,869
Of course you
were. It bothered you.
297
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,058
How do you get that?
298
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,238
Because I know you.
299
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,028
You don't know me.
We've never even met.
300
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,908
Honey, it would bother anyone.
301
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,431
No, not anyone.
302
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,635
Everyone. No. I don't... Ursula,
let me ask you something.
303
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:28,173
You see your boyfriend,
somebody you love and trust,
304
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,675
talking to some woman at
the bar. Would that bother you?
305
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:33,143
Is he doing that again? Who?
306
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,779
You bastard!
307
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:50,940
What is the matter with you?
308
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,964
Nothin'.
309
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,933
Oh. Oh, what?
310
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,735
Want another soda?
311
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:00,404
No, no, no. Thank you, I'm full.
312
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:02,773
Oh, man, am I full.
313
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:05,743
So go.
314
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,972
What, and leave you
unattended? No way.
315
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,849
Well, suit yourself.
316
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,925
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
317
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,538
MAGGIE: Yes? Come
here a minute, will you?
318
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:25,642
Well, actually, I'm... No, no,
no, no. I'm not fooling around.
319
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:27,765
You keep an eye on her, okay?
320
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,339
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
321
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,241
So, you having a party?
322
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:37,977
No.
323
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,114
(TOILET FLUSHES)
324
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:46,117
Okay, okay.
325
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,486
Thank you very much.
326
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,121
It was much appreciated.
327
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,023
And we'll see you later.
328
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,598
Maybe someone should fix us up.
329
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:01,744
With whom?
330
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:02,768
Whom?
331
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,336
Like you like. With us.
332
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,645
Wait a second.
W-W-Whoa. All right.
333
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,595
What are you doing? Just...
334
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,516
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
335
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,130
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
336
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,857
Okay, honey, it's for you.
337
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,737
Hello?
338
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,461
Hi. I-Is this Jamie?
339
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,729
Yes.
340
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,798
Hi, hi. My name is Paul Buchman.
341
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,401
Yes?
342
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,670
Yeah, uh, your Aunt Charlotte
bought my sister's Saab.
343
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,483
Oh, okay, well, great.
344
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:42,540
Yeah.
345
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,276
So. So.
346
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,245
How you doing?
347
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,357
I'm good. How are you?
348
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,148
Good. I'm doing good.
349
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:52,150
Uh, I was thinking, um,
350
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:53,495
maybe we should go out sometime.
351
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:56,887
Like Friday or Thursday.
352
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:58,189
Or any of the days.
353
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,790
Um, Friday's good.
354
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:02,327
Friday? Great. How
about 7:00 at Riff's?
355
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,928
Okay, um...
356
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:06,764
Great. So, how will I know you?
357
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:10,153
Uh, people say I look
a little like Jodie Foster.
358
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:12,870
Okay. How will I know you?
359
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:16,774
Uh, I actually... I look like Daniel
Day-Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.
360
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,858
What? I'm going
to see you Friday.
361
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,548
Just... Just...
362
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,184
All right, great.
363
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:30,154
So, 7:00, Friday,
drinks at Riff's.
364
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,555
Drinks?
365
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:32,823
Yeah. W-What'd you think?
366
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,837
I thought you were
buying me dinner.
367
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,461
Well, let's see how it goes.
368
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,208
We'll have drinks, and if it
works out, well, I'll buy you dinner.
369
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,664
Why wouldn't it work?
370
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,611
Well, you never know. You
don't think it's going to work out?
371
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,075
I don't know. I
never even met you.
372
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,414
You not even giving it a try.
373
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,637
Hey, don't pressure me.
374
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,150
Okay, let's just
forget the whole thing.
375
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,774
Hey, fine. Fine.
376
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,432
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
377
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,423
Oh, come on, I'm kidding. God!
378
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,063
You, know, you are
just like my husband.
379
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,309
What? You're married?
380
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,500
Yeah, for about five minutes.
381
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,728
Well, you got me beat by two.
382
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,505
What happened?
383
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,307
We were young.
That's the short version.
384
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,587
Well, you're still
young. Stupid young.
385
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,945
Yeah? I know about that.
386
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,947
Oh, yeah?
387
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,149
Yeah.
388
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,217
Huh.
389
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:33,919
Huh.
390
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,590
Excuse me?
391
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,293
Excuse me?
392
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,839
What? Sorry to bother you.
393
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,409
I just, uh... I can't
seem to reach these.
394
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,698
Why not?
395
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,167
I just can't.
396
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,301
It's right there.
397
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,170
Oh, hi, I'm Jamie.
398
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,904
Oh. All right.
399
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:55,973
Oh, no, no.
400
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:57,575
You know what? I don't think so.
401
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:58,676
Why not?
402
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,744
Because I can see
how tall you are.
403
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:01,990
You would just
reach your arm up.
404
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:03,514
Maybe I have bursitis.
405
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,983
Oh, there's a turn on. Oh, fine.
406
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:09,654
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
407
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,156
Wait a minute. Go back. Go back.
408
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,203
I used to work there.
409
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,160
You're kidding?
410
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,873
Why not? It's the psychic line.
411
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,075
Yeah, so?
412
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,798
So, what, you're a psychic now?
413
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,833
You just got to talk.
414
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,835
Which clearly you can do.
415
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,406
What'd you talk about?
416
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:31,709
Mostly I just listened and
gave them a little push.
417
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,279
How'd you know where to push?
418
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,549
You listen hard enough, you
can hear what someone wants.
419
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,138
Yeah? Yeah.
420
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,921
So, what do I want?
421
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:46,857
Something here.
422
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:47,992
Something where?
423
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,594
Here, this place.
424
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,028
What, like the credenza?
425
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,999
No.
426
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,845
Not something you
can put in your pocket
427
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,202
or put on a U-Haul.
428
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,805
Or, you know, something they
got here that you wish you had.
429
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,321
That's why you've
been acting like this.
430
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:07,845
It means something
to you, I think.
431
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,483
Either that or
you're just a putz.
432
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,560
Why is this so hard?
433
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,733
What? For us to meet each other.
434
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,257
'Cause it's stupid.
435
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:23,461
I can't get you, I got
you. We're married.
436
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,474
Well, actually, that should
make me more attractive to you.
437
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,698
What do you mean?
438
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:28,899
Women get off on married men.
439
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,347
Not all women. Oh,
yes, yes, yes. It's a thing.
440
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,337
It's like men and
lesbian scenes.
441
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,838
Okay, see, I don't get that.
442
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,385
What? What is not
to get? I mean, I get it.
443
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,476
But you all like it so much.
444
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,879
Yes, 'cause it's naked and fun,
and I agree with both of them.
445
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,627
You can't compare the two.
446
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,484
Oh, absolutely. The
minute I put this on,
447
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:48,997
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) I became
10 times more attractive than I am.
448
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,621
Fine. Not to all women.
449
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,858
Okay.
450
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,126
Okay.
451
00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,463
Hi, I'm Paul.
452
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,799
Jamie.
453
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,367
That's funny. That's
my wife's name.
454
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:04,580
Oh, you're married? Yeah.
455
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,484
Almost three years. Wow.
456
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,739
What's she like?
457
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,874
My wife? Yeah.
458
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,221
Kind of like you, actually.
459
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,412
About your height,
your hair, your eyes, too.
460
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,720
She sounds perfect.
461
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:18,382
Actually, no. No.
462
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:19,917
Not so much perfect.
463
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:21,830
She never puts the ATM
stuff into the checkbook.
464
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,399
So we're always, like, $60 off.
465
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,290
Okay, I'm sorry...
Don't defend her.
466
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,803
She sneaks cigarettes
behind my back.
467
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,460
Like, what, I don't have a nose?
468
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,174
Then... Then she doesn't tell me
that the film lab called last night,
469
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:34,599
so I have to go down in the
middle of my lunch hour to...
470
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,234
I could go on and on and on.
471
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,542
Why don't you
just say something.
472
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,472
Why make trouble?
473
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,040
But she's got good points, too.
474
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:44,486
She's got a lot of good points.
475
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,110
She gets so
excited about things.
476
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,011
You know, she's
genuinely surprised
477
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,913
when we don't win the lottery.
478
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,893
She won't give money to
Crazy Pete on the corner,
479
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,729
but she'll go a block
and a half out of her way
480
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,120
to buy the man a sandwich.
481
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:57,955
And her laugh...
482
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,991
Her egg salad, very
strong egg salad.
483
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,204
The way she calls me on stuff
484
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,094
when I'm making myself crazy.
485
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,803
Knowing when I need
to make myself crazy
486
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:07,998
and then going there with me.
487
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,935
Mostly, her egg salad.
488
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:26,228
Well, she sounds great.
489
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,051
She's okay.
490
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,332
So, why are you here with me?
491
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,256
I just can't help myself.
492
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,059
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
493
00:21:39,064 --> 00:21:40,984
JAMIE: Hey. Hey. IRA: Hey. Hey.
494
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,948
MAN ON TV: Your table, madame.
495
00:21:58,017 --> 00:21:59,495
WOMAN ON TV: Thank you, sir.
496
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:00,796
This is fun, isn't it?
497
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,130
Yeah. PAUL: This I like.
498
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,932
You're sure you like
to do things like this?
499
00:22:03,956 --> 00:22:06,568
Sure. JAMIE: See, now this
guy knows what he's doing.
500
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:09,126
Girls wanted fellas to
take them to fancy places.
501
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:10,361
Spend lots of money.
502
00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:11,929
Not this girl.
503
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,437
JAMIE: He could find me, meet
me, and make me his like that.
504
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:16,701
You know, I sort of
like things like this, too.
505
00:22:16,769 --> 00:22:17,813
PAUL: Well, who knew?
506
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,203
You won't laugh?
507
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:22,573
I like to go on bicycle
trips, too. Do you?
508
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:25,754
Mmm-hmm. And miniature
golf, do you like that?
509
00:22:25,778 --> 00:22:28,078
Yeah, and weenie
roasts and square dances.
510
00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:30,559
And baseball
games and taffy pulls.
511
00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,883
JAMIE: Why don't you
ever take me to a taffy pull?
512
00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:34,530
You like to do lots
of things, don't you?
513
00:22:34,554 --> 00:22:36,994
PAUL: I didn't know
you were interested.
35183
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