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1
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:17,282
♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do
2
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:21,120
♪ Tell me who can stop
my heart as much as you
3
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,055
♪ Let's take each other's hand
4
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,244
♪ As we jump
into the final frontier
5
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,062
♪ I'm mad about you, baby
6
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,930
♪ Yeah! ♪
7
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,533
(PHONE RINGING)
8
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,668
PAUL: Honey, could you get that?
9
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,271
Did you put the machine on?
10
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,040
Honey, could you get that?
11
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,374
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
12
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:43,976
Oh, boy.
13
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:50,150
Hello!
14
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,629
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)
15
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:53,653
What?
16
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:55,765
I'm not sure what you're saying,
17
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,490
but I'm going to answer
Chicken a la King!
18
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,627
All right, I'm obviously wrong.
19
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,096
Hold on. Hold on.
20
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,044
(PHONE DISCONNECTING) Hi.
21
00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:09,212
Thank you very much for waiting.
22
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,137
Aw, Murray, no, I told you,
we're making a film here.
23
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,583
Save it for when the
cameras are rolling.
24
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,639
(WHINES)
25
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,308
(GROANS)
26
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:17,617
Play me like a fiddle.
27
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,489
(MURRAY BARKING) Go get it.
28
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,590
All right. All right.
29
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,225
You got all the rules, right?
30
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,982
It's just our lives.
31
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,617
That's all they want to see.
32
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,726
Fifteen minutes of our
lives straight through.
33
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,155
No interruptions,
no cuts, no nothing.
34
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:33,192
Just you... you and me and...
I'm talking to nothin' here.
35
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,500
Here. Take these.
36
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,838
What did you do? Take these.
37
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:37,774
Look, did you steal from
their fire escape again?
38
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,465
I borrowed them.
39
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,166
You pulled them out of the pot?
40
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,401
I did not.
41
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,803
I'm lookin' at roots.
42
00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:47,551
I just want the
apartment to look nice.
43
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,975
Okay. But you understand
it's a documentary, right?
44
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,243
So?
45
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,090
So, I mean, they want it
to look honest and real.
46
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:54,524
You knew nothing about this?
47
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,726
I knew nothing. They
just called me this morning!
48
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,417
I told you as soon
as they told me.
49
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,597
And that's all that they
said? That's all they told me.
50
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,853
It's a PBS special.
51
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,123
They're having six different
documentary filmmakers
52
00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:05,957
turn the cameras on themselves.
53
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,293
Why couldn't they
give us some warning?
54
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,362
Who knows? They
want it to be a slice of life.
55
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,642
Why can't it be a slice
of life with some warning?
56
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,166
They want it to be spontaneous.
57
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,900
Why can't it be a
spontaneous slice...
58
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,347
Because they're PBS! Who knows?
59
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,171
They're... They're
smarter than us.
60
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,540
Well, I'm not giving
them any money this year.
61
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,987
We never give them money. Well,
I'm not gonna feel guilty this year.
62
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,076
(LAUGHS)
63
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,613
Fine. We ready? I'm too fat.
64
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,047
You're so not fat.
65
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,727
You see, if you'd
given me a little notice,
66
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,185
I would have gone to the
gym and got my bangs trimmed.
67
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,419
What did I just explain?
68
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,898
It's very easy for you to say.
69
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:37,534
You got a haircut on
Tuesday. You look great.
70
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,691
Oh, God! Relax.
You look so good.
71
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,925
Don't worry.
72
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,041
All right, here...
Leave... Leave the socks.
73
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,365
For what?
74
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,273
For the film. It's our
little splash of color.
75
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,175
There.
76
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,043
There what?
77
00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:01,151
It's like... it's like the girl in the
little red coat in Schindler's List.
78
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,793
Like that. Yeah.
79
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,962
You know, it's funny.
It's exactly like that. It is.
80
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,331
I don't need the whole
world knowing we're slobs.
81
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,388
But we are slobs.
82
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,668
No. You're a slob,
I just got tired.
83
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:15,294
Yeah, but it's real.
84
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,974
All right, fine. You know, it's not
like your mother's gonna watch this,
85
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,300
see the socks on the bed, and
be here every day straightening up.
86
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:23,182
All right.
87
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,070
Just joking.
88
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:28,440
You know what, Murray?
I'm all fetched out.
89
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,620
All right. Go on. Go get it.
90
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,644
Go get it.
91
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,312
Why do you teach him things?
92
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,958
He's a dog. It's the
kind of thing they enjoy.
93
00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:37,727
You ready? We
have to wait for Fran.
94
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:38,783
For what?
95
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,586
She's bringing over her Mulwah.
96
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,454
I beg your pardon?
97
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,523
Her Mulwah, it's an original.
98
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,236
Fran has an original Mulwah?
99
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,260
Mmm-hmm.
100
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,194
Philip Mulwah, the Dadaist.
101
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,363
So it's a Mulwah Dada.
102
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,999
Yes, it is. Used to be at MoMA.
103
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,637
So it's a Mulwah
Dada from the MoMA.
104
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:00,805
That's exactly right.
105
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,208
Okay. See, I don't
know what we're saying.
106
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,644
Fran is bringing over a
painting to class up the joint.
107
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,713
Thank you. Was
that so difficult?
108
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,114
(PHONE RINGING)
109
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,516
Hello?
110
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,685
Can I call you back?
111
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:14,986
He did?
112
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:18,390
Why did you yell "Chicken
a la King" at my sister?
113
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,792
(LAUGHING) I didn't
know that was her.
114
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:24,162
Why would you yell
Chicken a la King at anyone?
115
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,809
I was talking with
my foot. Is that...
116
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,033
Is that yours or me?
Okay, I'll call you back.
117
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,447
Hey. Hello.
118
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,882
Since when do we
read Scientific American?
119
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,719
Yes. Mr. Walcott, actually,
I'm looking at your file right now.
120
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,854
Never seen Scientific
American in this house, ever.
121
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,656
Okay. You know what? Look,
I'm just gonna check with my staff
122
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,224
and put you on
hold for one minute.
123
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,025
You want the world to
know the only thing we read
124
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:44,969
is TV Guide and the
Victoria's Secret catalog?
125
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,319
Yes, yes. If it's
honest, yes, I do.
126
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,255
Well, they just assured me it's
gonna be ready first thing Monday.
127
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,324
Mmm-hmm. I'm devoting
the whole weekend to it.
128
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,992
Okay. Bye-bye.
129
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,594
It's honest enough.
130
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:58,697
Sweetie... I went to
Yale. It could happen.
131
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,999
All right, fine. We read
Scientific American.
132
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,133
We ready?
133
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,702
Not especially.
134
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,548
(MURRAY WHINING) Murray,
what did I say? We're busy...
135
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,939
Aw, all right. Ready? Come on.
136
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,073
Go long.
137
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,443
Yes!
138
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,923
He's gonna be looking
for that thing till Labor Day.
139
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,392
Hey, where's...
where's my thing?
140
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,493
What thing?
141
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,794
The remote for all the cameras.
142
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,095
The thing with the
little thing. This thing?
143
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,585
There you go.
144
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,020
All right. Come on.
145
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,588
Let us make a movie.
146
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,956
(CLEARS THROAT)
147
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,125
You ready?
148
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:29,994
Okay. Uh, what do
you want me to do?
149
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,864
Nothin'. The only
rule, be yourself.
150
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,299
Be yourself for 15 minutes.
151
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:35,578
Then I'm ready.
152
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,536
You sure? Yes.
153
00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,604
Okay.
154
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,583
And... No.
155
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:41,740
No.
156
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,486
Okay. Really?
157
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,188
Let's do it. Yes.
Okay. Fifteen minutes.
158
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,756
Okay. All right.
159
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,248
And action!
160
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,460
So...
161
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,528
So...
162
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,364
It's a nice day. Isn't it?
163
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:06,765
Yes.
164
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:07,932
Not raining.
165
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,234
No.
166
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,469
They said it might.
167
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,071
Rain? Yes.
168
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:14,439
It didn't.
169
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,508
No.
170
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,136
Cut! Oh, my God.
171
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:20,746
This is not...
172
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,258
Maybe... Maybe talking is
the wrong way to go here.
173
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,815
What do you mean?
174
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,795
Because film is visual.
It's... It's a visual medium.
175
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,464
Supposed to be visual? Exactly.
176
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:28,832
What does that mean? Dancing?
177
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:31,289
No, just doing, doing.
Doing whatever we do.
178
00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,258
Uh-huh. What do we do?
179
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:34,326
We do stuff.
180
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,773
I could work.
181
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,930
See? That's honest. Good. Yes.
182
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,209
What are you gonna do?
183
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,667
I'll do what I do. All right.
184
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,606
All right? Okay, here we go.
185
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:49,808
And action.
186
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,465
Sweetie? Hmm?
187
00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:38,034
This is already the most
boring movie ever made.
188
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,257
I'm sorry!
189
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,492
Cut!
190
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,371
Well, maybe we're just
not interesting enough.
191
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,062
We're very interesting.
192
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,708
We're plenty interesting. Otherwise,
why would they have picked us?
193
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,343
All right, who else? What?
194
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,334
Who else did they pick? Oh.
195
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:52,203
Ken Burns, Seymour Looch.
196
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,792
Andre Duquette is
doing one of these.
197
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:55,974
The Yee Brothers.
198
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,943
The Yee Brothers?
199
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,489
The Yee brothers. I'm tellin' you,
this thing is like the dream team.
200
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,580
So what do their wives do?
201
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,426
Who, the Yee Brothers? Yeah.
202
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,127
The Yee Brothers are gay.
203
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,018
Both of them?
204
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,327
Can you keep a secret?
205
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,567
They're not so much brothers.
206
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,024
Okay, see, already,
they're more interesting.
207
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,926
So them, Andre Duquette...
208
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,507
Now, where do you get that Andre Duquette
is already more interesting than you?
209
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,041
He's French. French-Canadian.
210
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,065
Oh.
211
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,779
Is he married? Yes.
212
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,202
Is his wife more interesting?
213
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:26,638
Will you stop that?
Well, what does she do?
214
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,107
Andre... Actually,
his wife's a junkie.
215
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,675
Hello!
216
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:31,888
They met in prison.
217
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,778
How do you expect me
to compete with that?
218
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,125
I don't expect you to compete.
I just want you to be yourself.
219
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:39,317
But they're all so
gay or foreign or gritty.
220
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,952
Well, let's do it.
221
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,732
Here? Yes. Let's
do it right here.
222
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:44,166
Are we in here? Mmm-hmm.
223
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,569
Then that's where we're
gonna do it. This is good.
224
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,633
It's like two people in
our kitchen, only it's us.
225
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,534
We're all set. Ready?
226
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,903
(CLEARS THROAT)
And... Rolling. Sorry.
227
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,211
All right.
228
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:02,748
Action.
229
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,311
So...
230
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,261
So...
231
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,618
I need a cigarette.
232
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:16,320
What?
233
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,056
I need a cigarette.
234
00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:21,092
I thought, uh...
235
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,872
I was under the impression
that you stopped smoking.
236
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,564
Yeah, well, there's a lot
about me you don't know.
237
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,800
Okay, I see.
238
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,605
(CHUCKLES)
239
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,473
You know what this
smoke reminds me of?
240
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,809
What's that?
241
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,644
This biker bar where
I used to hang out.
242
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,286
The one you hung out at? Yeah.
243
00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:49,498
The biker bar? Mmm-hmm.
244
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:50,722
Mmm-hmm.
245
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,991
What was that called?
246
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:54,626
Bikes and Things.
247
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,261
It sounds tough.
248
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,496
You have no idea.
249
00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,764
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
250
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,033
I got it. I got it.
251
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,203
Who is it?
252
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,351
Ira!
253
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,773
Ira, my cousin?
254
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,709
No, no. Gershwin!
255
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,011
Will you open up?
256
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,614
Hey. Hey.
257
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:17,148
What's with the suit?
258
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,395
I don't know. I was just on my way
down to Buchman's Sporting Goods
259
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,185
at 18th and Broadway.
260
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,627
So?
261
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:30,539
So, you know, we've been so
busy with all our reasonable prices,
262
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,664
unparalleled service...
263
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,801
You are so caught
up in all that.
264
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,271
In what?
265
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:46,544
Business, competition,
the whole thing,
266
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,690
just like everybody
else in this city.
267
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:48,858
I mean, look at them down there,
268
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,082
rushing around, and for what?
269
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,452
Scurry along, little
ants! Back to your holes!
270
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,955
Well...
271
00:10:57,024 --> 00:11:00,725
Maybe they're rushing to
Buchman's Sporting Goods.
272
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:03,128
Because they know that
we will not be undersold.
273
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,063
All right. Cut. Cut.
274
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,475
We're not doing a commercial.
275
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,967
And, you, we're
not doing Barfly.
276
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,602
Oh, well...
277
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:13,638
Fine. Would you look
at your dog, please?
278
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:14,984
Oh, Murray, what're you doing?
279
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,786
Murray, that's my
toothbrush! So?
280
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,587
So I'm not as gritty as you.
281
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,911
That's disgusting.
282
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:23,926
Do me a favor? Get out of here.
283
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,016
Why?
284
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,445
Just go. We're
trying to be real.
285
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,652
What? I'm real.
286
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:28,998
Ah, not really. Just go.
287
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,288
Seriously, get out of here.
288
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,323
Come on, I got a
suit made for this.
289
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:33,558
(SIGHS)
290
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,772
All right, sit there,
wear your suit.
291
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,229
Excuse me, Courtney
Love over there.
292
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,865
Button up, please.
293
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,268
You know what? Just excuse
me for having a dark side.
294
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,415
Sit on the couch. Sit on the
couch. No dark side, all right?
295
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,679
No dark side.
296
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,108
Dress regular, all right?
297
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,388
No, we're not doing dark side.
We're not doing "Come on down."
298
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,824
We're just... We're people, regular
people. We're in a regular house.
299
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,258
We're sitting on a
regular couch, all right?
300
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,794
All right. You got it.
301
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,084
All right.
302
00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:00,819
Here we go.
303
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:01,920
And...
304
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,287
(CLEARS THROAT)
305
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,556
All right. And action.
306
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,958
(DOORBELL RINGS)
307
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,027
Oh, good.
308
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,335
FRAN: James!
309
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,763
Hi.
310
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,776
Look, honey, it's Fran, my
best friend and business partner.
311
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,499
I see.
312
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,246
I brought the
Mulwah. PAUL: Great.
313
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,448
It's gonna be perfect
for the... Charity drive?
314
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,439
No. For the... Garage sale?
315
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,587
What are you talking about?
316
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,378
Oh.
317
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,859
Is it on? Uh-huh.
318
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,482
(GIGGLES)
319
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,986
Okay. Okay, so, Fran,
what's... what's new?
320
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,520
(GIGGLES)
321
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,857
Okay.
322
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,469
Hey, you know, Fran, you
know what I was thinking?
323
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,438
Something like this
must be very hard for you,
324
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,473
being a single mother
in New York in the '90s.
325
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,275
I mean, what is...
What is that like?
326
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,844
Cut, cut, cut it, cut it.
What? What? What?
327
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,801
Because she looks like an idiot.
328
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,369
No, she doesn't.
329
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,104
Fran, it's okay. It's off now.
330
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,206
Oh. How was I?
You were brilliant.
331
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,474
Oh, good.
332
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:59,122
Did I ever tell you about
the time when I was five
333
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,423
and my father's cousin
got us on Wonderama,
334
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,826
and they picked me to
tell a joke to Sonny Fox?
335
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,729
And nobody laughed, so I
threw up all over my brother.
336
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,731
And ever since
then... I was good?
337
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,255
You were so good.
338
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:11,400
Ira. What?
339
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:12,769
Take her out, celebrate
how good she was.
340
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:13,936
You payin'? Yes, I'm payin'.
341
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,327
Let's go. I was good.
342
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,329
Yes, you were.
343
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,976
Okay. Can we
just do this, please?
344
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,699
Hold on. What are you doing?
345
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,768
How about her?
346
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,046
For what? For me.
347
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,248
What're you talking about?
348
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,471
I'm hiring someone
to play your wife.
349
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,340
For the documentary? Mmm-hmm.
350
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,087
For that very honest
look at our lives.
351
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:32,443
Ooh!
352
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,246
She did Our Town and
three Breck commercials.
353
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,558
Sweetie... Look at her.
354
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,417
She could kick the crap
out of the Yee Brothers.
355
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,397
Listen to me. I just want
this to be right for you.
356
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,666
It'll be right. We just
have to be ourselves.
357
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,101
How about her? How about you?
358
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,936
I'm not available. Yes, you are.
359
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,271
Look, you keep
talking about honesty.
360
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,327
Let's be honest.
361
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,029
For the next 15 minutes,
362
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,475
wouldn't you rather be married to
Uma Thurman or some hop head...
363
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,878
First of all, I would never be
married to anybody named Uma.
364
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,246
Oh, you know... Seriously.
365
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,714
I think you might
get used to it.
366
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,616
No, I couldn't. You know why?
367
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,439
'cause every morning at
breakfast, you got to yell out,
368
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,747
"Uma, the toast is ready!"
369
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,075
"Uma, eggs!"
370
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,410
Who wants to say, "Uma,
eggs," every day of their life?
371
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,557
Listen... I just wish you'd
given me some notice.
372
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,326
There was no notice to give.
373
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,283
My hair is poofy.
374
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,996
Yeah, but you know what? It's
a good poofy. It's a good poofy.
375
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,898
The Yee Brothers will be
envious. They don't have poofy hair.
376
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,621
Come on, how many...
How many times...
377
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,102
I'll bet you the Yee Brothers are
done already. They're finished.
378
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,770
All right. All right, fine.
379
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:22,872
Let's just do it. Let's do it.
380
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,362
Yeah, 15 minutes
straight through.
381
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:25,908
Straight through. Yeah.
382
00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:27,476
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
383
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,033
All right.
384
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,080
(CLEARS THROAT) Here we go.
385
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:34,873
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
386
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,776
No matter what happens.
387
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,378
No matter what happens.
388
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,479
All right.
389
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,081
And action.
390
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,831
I'm going to make
some coffee. Okay.
391
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:49,855
I will, uh...
392
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,223
I'll help you.
393
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,771
I'll, uh... I'll
fill up the pot.
394
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,595
I will get the
coffee. All right.
395
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,066
Did you buy filters?
396
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,102
Uh, oh. Didn't you?
397
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,214
No. Didn't you?
398
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,106
Um, no.
399
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,414
All right.
400
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,490
Honey. Yeah, baby.
401
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,498
Cut.
402
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,879
Cut some cake to
go with the coffee.
403
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,143
Sure.
404
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:39,804
Honey...
405
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,112
No matter what happens.
406
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:47,578
I can't believe you
didn't get my little joke.
407
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:48,879
What?
408
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,592
Like I'm really gonna
take a coffee filter
409
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,028
out of the trash
and use it again?
410
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,952
It's a little joke. Get it?
411
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,965
So, we're not having
coffee. Okay? All right.
412
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,800
Look, honey, it's
Murray, our dog.
413
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,090
What's he got this time?
414
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,392
(LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Murray.
415
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,205
How many times do I tell you,
don't go into Mommy's drawers.
416
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,363
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. No.
417
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:06,575
Those aren't mine.
418
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,839
Yes. Sure they
are. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
419
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:13,110
All right, cut. Some cake
to go with your underwear?
420
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,541
Okay.
421
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,021
Good boy, Murray.
That's funny what you did.
422
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:20,178
Okay, go.
423
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,014
Get it. Go! Good boy.
424
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,127
Thank you very much
for calling me back.
425
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,895
I mean, it's not like
I'm in crisis or anything.
426
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,098
And my shrink went skiing and
wouldn't give me the number.
427
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,866
Anyway, there's that
tape I borrowed. Lisa?
428
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,757
Hey, remember that meat packer
Daddy told me to stay away from?
429
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,504
So I make a date with
him last night, right,
430
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,295
since Dennis'
wife is back in town
431
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,629
and what am I supposed to do?
432
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,598
Sit at home alone
playing Hello Kitty?
433
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,367
Oh, God!
434
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,435
What am I doing with
him in the first place?
435
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,449
I mean, it's not like
he's so great or anything.
436
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,139
I mean, how many
times can you fake it?
437
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,208
"Oh, Dennis.
438
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,109
"Oh, Dennis.
439
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,177
"Oh, yeah, Dennis.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
440
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,279
"Right there, baby,
yeah. Yeah, yeah.
441
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,615
"Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. You're the king.
442
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,916
"Here I go. Wow."
443
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,284
(SCREAMING)
444
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,233
I mean, give me a
break. Lisa, Lisa...
445
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,057
And... And meanwhile,
he's so loud,
446
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,636
my neighbors keep threatening
447
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,094
to tell the landlord
I'm an illegal sublet.
448
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,573
Lisa... Wait, wait, wait.
449
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:12,897
So the doorbell rings.
450
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:15,811
I'm thinking it's meat
packer, and it's Dennis,
451
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,202
threatening to blow
up the mayor again
452
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,870
if I go out with anyone else.
453
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,306
So I say, "Do it, do it.
454
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,308
"I'll help you, if it'll
get you off my back!"
455
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:41,059
Then he starts crying,
456
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:43,094
and I give him some
leftover Percodan
457
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:47,098
I still have from when
Mom got her facelift.
458
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:50,000
Next thing I know,
meat packer comes in,
459
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,669
sees this, cops an attitude.
460
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,138
So I tell him, "It's my
brother." He says, "Cool."
461
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:57,653
We go out for cannolis, and actually,
he turns out to be a pretty hot guy,
462
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,855
even if he does
have ties to the mob.
463
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,757
I'm meeting him for brunch.
464
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,414
Wish me luck.
465
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,567
Look, honey, Roman Holiday.
466
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,657
You lent that to her? So?
467
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:15,671
I've been looking for
this tape for three years.
468
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,462
She brought it back.
469
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,276
You know, when we bought this? After
we were talking about going to Europe.
470
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,600
Why didn't we ever do that?
471
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,736
Europe? 'Cause it's all the
way over there in Europe.
472
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,325
Honey. What?
473
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,240
What is this?
474
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,375
What? Oh. That's, uh, nothing.
475
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,490
That's just, uh... Just some
work stuff for whatever.
476
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,680
You want some coffee?
Looks like a receipt.
477
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,827
Huh? Something,
whatever, anyway...
478
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,091
Yeah, for film equipment.
479
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,787
I... I'm going to try
that... that mochaccino.
480
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,135
You told me you just found
out about this film today?
481
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,391
Yeah, so?
482
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,306
So why is the date on that
receipt from two weeks ago?
483
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:51,996
Oh, you know, they
do that sometimes.
484
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,343
Yeah, they do that when
you rent it two weeks ago.
485
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,445
Yeah, oh, you know what? I
forgot, we don't have filters.
486
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,913
I'll just... I'll run
down and I'll get...
487
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,815
When did you find out
about this film? What?
488
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,706
When did you find
out about this film?
489
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,042
What difference does that make?
490
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,678
Ira had a suit made
for this thing, didn't he?
491
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,713
He's little. How
long could that take?
492
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,785
You've been
teaching Murray tricks.
493
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,821
No. Well... Okay, so you
told Murray, and you told Ira.
494
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,557
Maybe Murray told
Ira. You don't know.
495
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:21,504
I can't believe you
lied to me like that.
496
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,172
You know what, sweetie?
Let's talk about this later.
497
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:26,475
What, did you think I didn't want
to do it? No, honey, later. Seriously.
498
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,512
No. You keep talking about
honesty. Let's be honest.
499
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:32,503
Okay. All right. I'm just
saying I would honestly
500
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,506
like to talk about this later.
501
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:39,310
(CHUCKLES) Okay,
fine. What, seriously.
502
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,379
(CLEARING THROAT)
503
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,682
What... What are you doing now?
504
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,850
Opening our mail.
505
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,964
What did we get?
I didn't see it today.
506
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,621
Ahem. Anything good?
507
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:54,559
Nothing for me?
508
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,727
Hey, did we win
a million dollars?
509
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,597
No such luck, huh?
510
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,076
Okay, all right.
Here's the truth.
511
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,646
I... I didn't tell you because I
knew... I knew that you would get
512
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,147
all crazy and over prepared.
513
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,448
And then it wouldn't be real.
514
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:07,783
I wanted it... I want
this to be honest.
515
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,173
Hmm, so you lied.
516
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,952
I may... I may have
misrepresented myself.
517
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,643
You are unbelievable!
518
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,524
Oh, and what are you, you're
like Agnes from Truthville?
519
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,426
What? I made it
up. You get the gist.
520
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,016
Yes, compared to you, I am.
521
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,362
Okay, how about this?
522
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,730
That's completely
different. How?
523
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,432
Because it is. Because
it is. How? How?
524
00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:25,256
Because it... I rest my case!
525
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,658
All right, fine.
526
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,427
You want honesty?
527
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:36,300
Yes? Excuse me.
528
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,314
There. You see these? Yes.
529
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:39,448
They're yours. Oh.
530
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:41,606
You happy now?
531
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,407
Like I'm so impressed.
532
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:46,143
Excuse me. W-W-Wait one second.
533
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,313
All right. You see these? Yes.
534
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,181
They're mine.
535
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,695
I bought them, I wear them.
536
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,852
And they make
me feel very special.
537
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,987
Okay? There you
go. Oh, big deal.
538
00:20:57,056 --> 00:21:00,324
Do you want to see Fran's
Mulwah? No. No, I certainly do not.
539
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,407
Okay, okay, now,
come here, come here.
540
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,277
Let's be honest. Let's be really
honest about the whole thing.
541
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:10,167
Okay, there we go.
542
00:21:10,236 --> 00:21:13,036
All right. Hey, ma,
you see these?
543
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,605
This is how we live.
544
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:17,642
Excuse me. I don't
read Scientific American.
545
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:20,911
Okay, these are
capped right here.
546
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,648
My middle name is Eunice.
547
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,651
Excuse me. I tape
Baywatch. Okay?
548
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,422
I have a tattoo.
549
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:34,057
I once... I once fell asleep
i-i-in the middle of sex.
550
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,893
Okay, that's
actually true. He did.
551
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,873
No, no, no. Say
something about yourself.
552
00:21:37,897 --> 00:21:39,541
It doesn't make me
look very good either.
553
00:21:39,565 --> 00:21:41,009
All right. That's true. Okay.
554
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:44,935
I directed Hooter Vacation
under a pseudonym.
555
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:46,771
Mr. Walcott, you know how I said
556
00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:47,849
I was working on your
proposal this weekend?
557
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:49,640
I don't think so.
558
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,644
I... I thought your
middle name is Karen.
559
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:55,946
I lied. Hooter Vacation?
560
00:21:56,015 --> 00:21:58,761
It was years ago. All right,
now you know. It was years ago.
561
00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:00,128
You know what? I feel better.
562
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,852
Yes. Me, too. And why?
563
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,041
Honesty. Honesty. Yes.
That's the only way to do this.
564
00:22:07,393 --> 00:22:09,505
Let's clean this up. I'm
gonna get some flowers.
565
00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:11,295
BOTH: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
566
00:22:17,136 --> 00:22:19,203
So. So.
567
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:21,205
Lisa called.
568
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:22,973
Your sister.
569
00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,522
My older sister, Lisa. Yeah.
570
00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:28,713
From Connecticut.
571
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:32,350
Where you grew up.
572
00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:34,017
The Nutmeg State.
573
00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:37,399
All right, cut. It is!
574
00:22:37,423 --> 00:22:38,423
Nah, nah.
40548
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