All language subtitles for Mad About You - S03E04 - When Im Sixty-Four-ing

♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop
my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump
into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

You sure you
measured this thing?

I measured.

Well, meanwhile, I'm trapped.

You're not trapped.

I'm trapped, and you
now live in the hall.

MAN: Give me a sip.
MAN 2: No, get your own.

JAMIE: What?

Well, it's the stupid
intercom again.

We have to get
Wicker to fix that thing.

Guys, please don't give up.

Just give it one really good
shove. I know it's gonna go in.

Oh. Sorry.

That's perfectly all right.

Just give me five seconds.
See, I bought this thing at...

Not even British. She's
from right around here.

You know what? Actually,
never mind. It's fine.

Honey, do you have some
money? PAUL: For what?

'Cause I may as
well let these guys go.

Okay, so we'll just
live like this then.

MAN: Leshana, get over here!

Where's Wicker?

He'll be here. Just give me $20.

How? Show me how I would
give you this $20. You're a voice.

All right, drop it
out the window.

Just go downstairs.
He'll drop it.

He will. I swear.

Are you kidding me?

(WHISPERING) Just drop the
$20. They know where we live.

I don't even have $20. I
got... I have one million singles.

Apparently I work in an arcade.

Use the sock.

What sock?

In the kitchen under the sink.

There's a sock?

Under the sink.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Mr. Wicker, thank God.

Hello, Buchmans.
Where's the other one?

He's in there.

Oh, boy.

I know.

Did you measure this?

I measured it.

You all right?

My wife's up at a crafts
fair in the Berkshires.

It always makes
me feel a little blue.

That's very sweet.

I'll have to go around
on the fire escape.

Hello, Conway. Hello, Wicker.

Got an emergency. Oh.

Sorry. That's
perfectly all right.

You just let him use your
bedroom window. He can go...

You ask me, "Why is there a sock
under the sink?" This I couldn't tell you.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

It's like a mystery.

Yo.

Hi, Ma.

Listen, I can't talk
about the plates now.

I know Dad is wrong. I
told him. I did. I told him.

Listen, I gotta... I gotta
throw money out the window.

Literally.

Let me... Let me call you
back. I'll call you back later.

JAMIE: Who was that? Guess.

The plates. Bingo.

Fellas!

Here you go!

Keep the sock!

Where did you get a cookie?

Across the hall.

She gave you a cookie? Uh-huh.

Three years. I
never got a cookie.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You better step back.

JAMIE: Okay.

It's really a gift,
what you have.

How did you do that?

I'm told I have a gift.

Well, we need either a smaller
dresser or a much bigger home.

Well, this doorway's 38 inches.

Thirty eight, right.
And the armoire's 34.

Okay, what does this say?

Thirty four.

No. Similar to a four.

Thirty nine. Thirty nine.

Tiny, stupid numbers.

Yeah, w-we should really talk.

Can't wait to see this.

Swear you didn't watch it?

I swear. I taped and I rewound.

All right. You know who did it?

I do know who did it.
It was the fish broker.

The fish broker?

Now, you see, this
is why, my friend,

you will never work
for Scotland Yard.

The fish broker had
a wooden foot, right?

So how is he gonna outrun all
those bloodhounds across the moor?

It was night and it was
foggy. They didn't see him.

Scent. They do it off a scent.

All right, let's see who's
right. Here we go. Here we go.

The Barrister In
The Bog, Part five.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to Supermarket Mania

where the Mortons of
Long Branch, New Jersey,

take on their Midwestern rivals,

the Desilvas of
Rockford, Illinois!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The Desilva family?

Gee, I didn't see that coming.

How did this happen?

'Cause this VCR also
has tiny, stupid numbers.

I'm not getting glasses.

You're such a child.

I can't find the prescription.

What do you mean?
I lost it. I can't find it.

Well, I guess that's
the end of that.

(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

What is with this thing?

We could've had Wicker
fix it when he was here.

Do you understand? My
whole life I've had perfect eyes.

You still do. They just
don't work quite as well.

But why?

'Cause you're getting older.

Really? Where's your hair?

Ooh. Do you wanna go there?

No, I don't. I'm
sorry. I'm really sorry.

Maybe contacts. Maybe.

Contacts will be fine.

Ick. Putting something
actually on your actual eye? Ick.

What's ick? I
do it all the time.

Ick, ick, ick. So get glasses.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it? WICKER: Super.

Glasses are so cool. You
know, hey, Franz Schubert.

Franz Schubert?

Yes, I went with 18th century
German composer Franz Schubert.

Hi. It's pretty good out here.

We're very proud.

Checking the door jamb. Making sure
there's no damage from this morning.

Oh, no, no, it's
fine. Yeah, well,

as long as I'm here, anything else
you need? You know, anything at all?

What is this, like a
cool prank? What?

MAN: Tell them they're
here? They know! They're here!

This thing has been
going nuts. This...

Okay, also the shower.

When you turn on the hot,
little pellets come out. Oh, yeah?

Honey, it's 1:10.

Or, if your eyes work, 10:05.

All right, all right.

Pellets? Little
flecks of something.

I'll check it out. Come
here, come here, come here.

What? What is he doing here?

Who cares? He's fixing things.

Do you think something's wrong?

When it shoots
pellets like that...

I mean with Wicker.

Ask him if he's okay.

I... I don't want to. Why not?

Because I don't
want... I don't...

I don't... We don't have a
relationship like that. You go ask him.

You're closer to him than I am.

How am I closer to him?
You're men. You're both men.

This is probably some man thing.

He... What... He's fixing
the shower. Leave him alone.

Fine. We'll compromise. You go
talk to him. I'll make us some tea.

How is that a compromise?
Show me the compromise portion.

I'm onto you.

What? You can't fix it?

Huh? Oh.

Take a gander.

Oh. So, uh, when does
Mrs. Wicker come back?

Actually she came
back this afternoon.

Oh. Really? Yeah.

Uh, if you wanna go see
her or something, this can...

You know, soon as you
finish this, go be with her.

Oh, no, it's okay.
Yeah? All right.

Listen, these pellets, they're
like... they're like little teeth.

Which I'm hoping they're not.

Do you know your
neighbor in 11-J, Mrs. Stern?

Mrs. Stern, uh,
doesn't ring a bell.

I'll tell you, when they fly out,
they actually bounce off, it's like hail.

You'd like her, Mrs. Stern.

Annabelle. That's
her first name.

Who? Mrs. Stern.

11-J. Very nice woman.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

In fact, I was over
there this afternoon,

unbending her Venetian blinds.

That's something that
you do, blind-unbending?

That's not all. I
Rust-Oleumed her fire escape,

I fixed her toaster.

Toaster? Wow.

See what I mean?

Oh.

I'm telling you. I'm feeling
a little guilty about her.

There's nothing to feel guilty about.
You made a new friend. So what?

Huh. She's so young.

Yeah, but eyes
like a 90-year-old.

Why can't you have a
friend who's a woman?

Yeah, of course you
can, of course you can.

So wait a second. What
else is going on in 11-J?

You leave him alone.

You wanted to
talk. We're talking.

Once I pick out a frame, they
can have them ready in 60 minutes.

You know, I don't
even trust that. Why?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Because it takes 30 years
for your eyes to go bad,

and they're gonna fix
them in one hour? Hello.

Hi, Dad. Huh?

They're plates. You know, the
only purpose is to be under food.

Listen, we're walking
out the door now.

No, no, I wasn't throwing
money out the window.

I was tipping. I was
tipping vertically.

Well, I don't understand you
and the plates, so we're even.

Listen, I will call you back,
all right? I gotta go. Bye.

Who's winning?

Guess.

Oh.

And?

I was just wondering
about your armoire.

How long is it staying there?

Oh, who can say? You
know with the French...

We're not afraid of you people.

You know what the problem is?

They have no
citrus in their country.

What are you talking about?

No citrus. It makes
them angry. Seriously.

Mr. Wicker.

Oh, um... Hi, Buchmans.

I was just fixing
Mrs. Stern's doorbell.

With a wire cutter?

What are you saying?

Nothing. Hey, listen,

what I know about
fixing a doorbell

you could fit into
this little button here.

Oh, well, then, I...

But, were I breaking a doorbell,

so that I might be invited
back by the occupant to fix it,

well, even I, a layman, would
know to bring wire cutters.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm vandalizing my own building.

What's going on?
No, you tell me.

I had this dream last night.

She was naked and I was a cigar.

What do you think that means?

Impossible to say with dreams.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Talk about it.

To who? Mrs. Wicker.

Oh, you're so young.

No, no, no, I think she's right.

You know, if you come clean
with Mrs. Wicker, you'll feel better.

Otherwise you're walking around with a
big piece of beef hanging in your heart.

You haven't done anything wrong.

This is just like
that great story

with the girl and the celery.

Exactly. Girl takes
a piece of celery.

She feels so guilty, it's
as if she took a cookie.

No, you're telling it wrong.

See, this girl thinks
taking celery is bad.

When in fact her
parents would want her to

take the celery. They
would encourage that.

Right, so instead of saying, "Hey,
Mom, Dad, I took some celery,"

she keeps it inside and
lets it eat away at her.

As if she'd taken a cookie.
As if she'd taken a cookie.

A very touching story.

The point being this woman's a piece of
celery, but by your not telling your wife,

you're turning
her into a cookie.

She's liable to be upset.

Over what? She's celery.

With a little bit of cookie.

Really? Seventy five
degrees yesterday,

and I bled her radiator.

Listen, we don't need to know
everything. Thank you though.

You'd think after
40 years of marriage

they would have gotten
all the bugs out, you know?

It's not bugs. It's good,
it's alive, it's healthy.

It's worrisome. I mean, if the Wickers
haven't figured out monogamy, then who?

Even the Wickers have to take
it day by day like everybody else.

I can see day by day for like a
year or a few years, but then what?

Then you take it year by year.

So you're doing it day
by day and year by year.

Eventually, you know,
decade by decade.

Monogamy, man, it's draining.

In, like, a good way.

Hey, try these.

Yeah? What do you think?

Really good.

Okay, wait. Now these.

Better.

You're not helping.

What did I say?

How can a person
who needs glasses

be trusted to pick out glasses?

That's what I'm here
for. Oh, excuse me.

All right, listen,

I need you to be my eyes,

which are very critical of me.

I can't possibly look beautiful
in every single pair of glasses.

All right. All right.

Sorry. Really beautiful.

Come on! I can't help it.

Listen, you're an
unbreakably beautiful woman.

You know, you're beautiful
first thing in the morning,

beautiful in a bad hat.

Oh, excuse me.

The problem is my
face is trapezoidal.

You know that?

Yes. Very bad for glasses.

All right.

I really like them.

Yeah. Great. Which hat is bad?

No.

Bad hat, bad hat.
It's an expression.

You know, "You'd be
beautiful in a bad hat." Please.

Excuse me.

Yes, actually it's...

Can I help you?

I'm just looking. Thank you.

Well, if there's anything I can
do for you, just let me know.

Okay, thank you.

Nice girl. Mmm-hmm.

JAMIE: You ready?

Babe, I already saw you
in the glasses. Remember?

In the store?

I was the curly-haired
guy, gave you gum?

You're cute.

What?

Seriously, you're
really gorgeous.

Hey, what have I
been trying to tell you?

All right, how do
I look? Stunning.

Really? Yes.

Better than the girl
who sold them to me?

Can't even compare.

All right. How
about from the side?

What? I don't like
them from the side.

Who's gonna walk
into a room like this?

What about the other side?

Let me see again.

Hey, James.

What? See? Now it's good.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Do they look
obvious? Not at all.

I feel like they're obvious.

Absolutely not.

You got glasses.

They're not invisible.

How's the shower?

Shower is perfect.

Mind if I use it?

So you told Mrs. Wicker?

I told her.

Come in.

What did you say?

Well, I said I've been flirting like a
young schoolboy with another woman

and I feel terrible.

And what did she say?

She said, "Stay with your
friends, the Buchmans."

Ow. Ow.

You know, it's not
enough to buy the glasses.

You have to
actually put them on.

I can wait for the contacts,
thank you very much.

So this is what, this is like
an aerobic thing you're doing?

Yes, it is. All right.

That is a terrific shower.

Hey, Wicker. Hello, Wicker.

No more pellets, but I
found a little hair in the drain.

I'll put it in the kitchen.

You're a beautiful man.

We've done a terrible
thing here. What?

We've got to get those
two back together.

Maybe we should
call Mrs. Wicker.

Yeah, that's what you
wanna do, get more involved.

Just... I'm fine!

Read to me.

What?

Read to me. What do you got?

Dickens. Read
me a little Dickens.

Fine.

"The orphan looked up with

"a hungry face."

You happy?

A little more, if you would.

No, no, from here.

"Oh, Mr. Cravendish, he said,

"I am so besot with hunger."

He was besot?

He was an orphan.

"I wish I had a
plate of porridge

"or some gruel.

"I'm so hungry,

"So very, very hungry

"and cold

"and parentless."

It does not say parentless.
Oh, what's it your business?

Show me where
it says parentless.

What's happening? Oh,
Dickens makes me hot.

Fair enough.

WICKER: Hey, kids.

Hey. Oh, okey-dokey.

Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No. We were just reading. Fine.

I made a little cocoa.

We were just saying how
besot with hunger we are.

I put a little nutmeg in
there. Claire loves nutmeg.

I tell you, your mother
called this afternoon.

All right, now,
what's the latest now?

Your father's warming up to the
saucers, not budging on the plates.

Did you say I would
call her back? No.

I love you.

You should talk to Mrs. Wicker.

I tried that.

If she wants me back,
she'll let me know.

I'm gonna take Murray
for a walk, okay?

(WHISPERING) Oh,
God, I feel so guilty.

Why?

We destroyed Wicker's life.

Okay, but we've discovered
the beauty of nutmeg.

The whole yin yang of life.

It's fascinating.

Okay, this shouldn't
take very long.

Head still. Look at the pen.

(SALESGIRL CHUCKLING)

Uh, I should've
been more specific.

The pen in my right hand.

Sorry.

SALESGIRL: You know, you
have very classical features.

Really? Huh. Yeah.

It's funny 'cause
I've always been told

I have easy-listening features.

Uh, where'd you
get those glasses?

These I got in a little
place called my night table.

Where's that?

Conveniently,
right next to my bed.

Honey, how do I look?

Did you get them in?

No, but this is how I look.

Look really good.

Other side of the
bed, her night table.

What? I was being alive
and good and healthy.

You don't have to be
healthy right in front of me.

Word is you can't see.
That's why we were there.

Thank you. When I'm young, good
and healthy with Tony at Gristede's,

I don't make you watch.

Of course not, 'cause I can
watch it up on the security monitor

with the rest of the store.

Honey, look. He put in a dimmer.

Why did he do that?
I like that switch.

Yeah, but now we
have choices. Look.

All right.

And she took you for $266.

She didn't take me. These
are spectacular glasses.

She said they're good for
down to three atmospheres.

You don't dive.

I know. But if I do, I
can see pretty good now.

Mr. Wicker?

I don't think he's here.

Yeah. He's probably
over at Mrs. Stern's,

shampooing her rug.

I don't mean that dirty.

You think anything happened
with him and Mrs. Stern?

No. I really don't.

How can you be so sure?

Just a reckless optimism.

Hey, is it in?

Uh,

not so much.

The trick is to not
close your eye till after.

I understand, but it's
coming right at me.

Yeah, so don't look at it.
That's why I close my eye.

All right.

You know what I think?

No.

"No," you don't know
or "No, you don't care"?

Just what?

I think the trick is

to have the alive, to have
the good and the healthy,

and just, like,
not ruin your life.

The Wickers, they're
married 40 years.

That's 14,300 days.

Fourteen thousand,
six hundred days.

You got 600? Uh-huh.

All right, 14,600 days.

So in all that... You know
how many... how many

eyeglass girls and stock boys
named Tonys they've met?

A lot.

A lot. And every
time it comes up,

they have to make the decision,

"No, I'm not gonna go
there. I'm going home."

Okay, is it in?

Come here. All right. Let me.

Are you going to be here
to do this every morning?

What did I just spend
15 minutes saying to you?

Bingo.

Hey. I think it's in.

Yeah? Good for you. Good girl.

(KNOCKING)

Yeah? What's with the winking?

I don't know. I
can't help myself.

It's like you're
trying to pick me up.

Which, I gotta say, is
unnecessary, and yet, kind of cute.

Oh, Mrs. Wicker.

Hello.

Well, come on in.
Please. Sure. Thank you.

Look who's here. Mrs. Wicker!

You know Jamie.
Mrs. Wicker came up.

Um, so how is everyone?

Uh, he's fine. He's fine.

I didn't ask specifics.

Well, either way, he's fine.

Well, when you see him,
you might want to tell him

that Admiral Cheswick
peed in the elevator again.

Who's Admiral Cheswick?

12-K. The Cohens' cat.

Oh. Oh, sure.

He's an admiral now.

And in 15-J, the water
won't stop running...

Can I... Can I just tell you?

Listen, it's not like your husband
is having a good time up here.

Yeah, he's not having any fun.

I see.

So where is he now,

in the Stern apartment?

Of course not. No.

I think he's down in 9-R
'cause they saw a roach.

That's right, yeah.
Yeah, they saw a roach.

You must think this is amusing.

No, no, no, no! She
just got contacts put in.

So he's not in 11-J?

Of course not.

Mrs. Wicker, can I
just tell you something

as a man who loves his wife?

I got to tell you, your husband,
Mr. Wicker, is a man who loves his wife.

I know he is.

So why won't you take him back?

Because I'm not
finished hurting.

When I am finished
hurting, I will take him back.

Well, if it means
anything, he's hurting, too.

Seriously.

Your neighbors
across the hall are right.

You're just horrible people.

Stop that. Just stop it.

Hey.

Popovers are in the oven.

Got to wait 13 minutes.

You take them out in 14
minutes, you got paperweights.

All right, got it.

Thank you very much.

I'm going down to 12-C.
They got linoleum bubbles.

I'll be back for lunch though.

Well, what would you
do for linoleum bubbles?

Depends on how
far along they are.

(KNOCKING)

I'll get it.

Claire, what are you doing here?

You're needed in 5-J.

What's the problem...
5-J. That's us.

That's us.

Shall we go? Let's go.

We're gonna go.

So that's it? It's all over now?

It's over.

But how? Why?

You don't understand? You gotta
have a good fight once in a while.

You do? WICKER: Sure.

How are you gonna
stay together 40 years?

It's like the spit
valve in a trumpet.

You're such a romantic man.

We had a fight a couple of
years ago you wouldn't believe.

JAMIE: About what?
Couldn't even tell you.

And it's not our business.

It was about plates.

Don't start. Come on.

Goodbye, Buchmans.

Goodbye, Wickers.
Goodbye, Wickers.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

So who do you
wanna play with now?

"And the former
orphan laid a wreath

"on the grave of
Mr. Cravendish and smiled,

"for he knew he would
no longer be parentless,

"and he would have
enough porridge to keep him

"from ever being besot again.

"The end."

And we thought
she was making it up.