All language subtitles for Little Britain USA S01E03 Episode 3

Britain and America.
It's always been us
against the world.

If there's a country to be invaded
or a war to be waged,

So what if the rest of the world
hates us?

We don't care.
They're all foreign anyway.

But what unites our two countries?

Well, I'll tell you the answer
to the question I've just asked

as soon as I've finished saying
this sentence.

It's the people.

The people of Britain and America.

Let's look at them now,
in Little Britain USA.

The most important person in America,
is the President,

who today is meeting
his French counterpart.

I think, perhaps at the next meeting
of the UN,

we should propose a motion
to instigate a trade embargo.

I think I will be able to sell
the idea to my cabinet, but...

I worry what the rest of Europe
will think.

I believe we need to present
the strongest case we can,
then put it to the vote.

- Morning, Mr President.
- Good morning, Prime Minister.

Who's this?

Ah! This is President Montand
of France.

Yeah, I know who he is.
What's he doing here?

Pleased to meet you, Prime Minister.

Whatever!

Can I have a word?

Excuse me.

Myself and President Montand
are having a meeting.

I only came to say goodbye.
I'm a bit surprised he's here
already.

I don't understand.

Well, I haven't even left yet!
You've already got one of your
Euro sluts in.

- Right.

???

President Montand and I have a lot to
discuss before next week's UN summit.

I don't like him.

What?!

- I don't like the way
he looks at you.
- I don't know what you mean.

I don't know if it's love or lust,
but he's obviously got
something for you.

Don't be ridiculous!

He's gay.

He's not gay! He's married!

So am I.

Gentlemen, are you going to be long?

Sorry, dear, I don't speak French!

Is there a problem?

Yeah.

I've got a problem.

Vous.

Excuse me. The President and I were
in the middle of a very important
meeting.

As you know, France and America
have a special relationship.

What?!

Yes, we do have a special
relationship.

But I thought you said we had
a special relationship!

We do.

Well, ha! How many special
relationships are you having?!

You are being ridiculous.

Yeah, not too close, dear.
Ooh, she reeks of garlic.

Prime Minister, I'm sure you don't
wish to delay your plane. I'll see
you next week at the summit.

Oh, you want me to go?

Oh, well, that's fine, actually,
cos I was gonna go anyway.

I've actually got a meeting
with the President of Russia.

Me and him are having
a special relationship now.

Really?

Yeah. It's not like
your special relationship.

It doesn't involve kissing.
Oh, dear, I've said it.

Goodbye, Prime Minister.

Goodbye, Prime Minister.

Bitch.

Where were we?

We were discussing the trade embargo.

Ah, yes. I have some documents
that we should go through.

So, broadly, France is in agreement
on this?

Oh, yes.

I'm right behind you.

-==http://www.ragbear.com==-
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This boot camp is home
to Vicky Pollard,

a member of Britain's thriving
underclass.

Of course, in America,
she will be considered aristocracy.

That's when I started messing
around with drugs and stealing

and then I'd steal to feed
the drug habit

and I realise now,
I was just in a lot of pain

and I think being here at camp
has really helped me understand that.

Thank you for sharing that with us,
Lindsay.

It's very moving. Thank you.

Vicky.

What?!

Tell us a bit about your home life.

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah,
because I live at home with Shelley

and she could by my mum,
but she might be my sister.
I'm not sure.

Maybe she's both.
Anyway, she's, like,
well harsh because once, right,

she grounded me for 15 minutes and
it was so unfair because all I did,
right,

was go down Baskin Robbins
cos Denise Welby got a Saturday job
there

and I made her give me all the money
out the till and shat in the mint
choc chip.

I think I got some of that.
And what about school?

Oh, yeah. I went there once.
It was all right.

You went there once?

Yeah, yeah.I done math or something or nothing,
histography, biomistry
and, oh,

what's that one where they're all talking some weird
language and that

- and you can't really understand it?
- French?

No, English.

Right. And what brought you here
to camp?

A bus.

Er, no, no. I mean what sort of
behaviour brought you here?

Er, did you experiment with drugs?

Oh, my God, that is so out of order!

I tried drugs, like, once for, like,
eight years

but apart from that I ain't not never
ever done nothing or nothing.

Anyway, if anyone should be here
it's Kelly Bailey,

cos she's been saying really nasty
things about me in front of my back

cos she's well jealous cos she
really, really fancies Steven Dean

and he took me up the wrong 'un
round the back of Dunkin' Donuts.

But just cos I done it with him
don't mean I fancy him.
I'm not a slag.

OK, er... Do you feel your time here
at camp has helped you?

Er, I'd love to say yes,
because I have really been trying,

because I am actually
a very trying person,

but unfortunately,
I have been really put off,

because all the other girls here
are bitches,

apart from Suzanne...

who's a total bitch, because she
flobbed in Amber's hair and blamed it
on me

and I was like, "Oh, my God!

- "I can't believe
you just said that!"
- I never did anything close to that.

Why would I even do that?

Hello, hello? Hello?

This is a restroom, or, as the
British like to call it,
the shitter.

They've approved it, so the merger
should be finalised by Thursday.

Great, so we can announce
it to the trade press Friday.

Yeah.

Don't worry! Don't worry!
I don't looking. I'm just here
to clean toilet.

Of course, what we really should be
doing right now

is looking for other businesses
to acquire.

Don't worry! Don't worry! I don't
looking. I just have to clean here.

Interesting you should say that.

I was just talking to a friend on
Wall Street who says that...

Don't worry. Don't worry. I don't
looking. I don't looking at penis
at all.

There's never been a better time
to buy into leisure industries.

Oh, yeah. Boom time.

Don't worry. Don't worry. I don't
looked at penis. I don't looked
at penis at all.

Just to confirm, I definitely don't
looked at penis. I don't look
at penis at all.

I don't do it. I don't do it.

Thank you.

So sorry about your penis.

Very sensibly, it is legal to carry
a gun in America.

And what better way to let off steam
than to go out shooting defenceless
animals?

Think you could take it down?

- Gotcha! Woohoo!
- Woohoo!

Yeah! Woohoo!

Whoa! Whoa.

Whoa.

Yeah. That's gotta be two,
two and a half inches?

At least.

At this university in North Carolina,

homosexualist Dafydd Thomas
has come to study.

Gay society. Society for gays!

Hey, are you new here?

Oh yes, it's my first week.

And you've already started up
your own gay society?

Yes. I grew up in a small village in
Wales and it was very difficult
for me.

- I...I felt very alone.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, it wasn't easy being the only
gay in the village.

Well, you're very welcome
to join the chess society.

- Is it gay chess?
- Er, no. Just chess.

- No, thank you then.
- Hey, how about rock climbing?

No, I cannot rock climb.
I'm gay, you see.

I prefer to spend my time

in the company of other gays
who know what it's like to be gay.

You should be in luck. I mean,
there must be lots of gay students
here.

We'll see.

Well, I've been here five seconds
and no-one's joined.

Clearly I am the only gay on campus.
Good day.

Hey. This guy looks like
he might be gay.

I doubt it.

Oh, er, rock climbing just here.

No, I'm here for gay society.

Yes, but this society is for gays
only.

Is cool by me.

Yeah, this great.

No, er, I'm afraid membership
is full up.

No. How many members you got?

Just the one. Me.

Why don't you let me join?

This society is for gays only.

I am gay.

No, you are not a gay. I am the gay.
You're just very slightly effeminate.

-I am gay. I've known it
since I was two.
- Really?

Yes. And I come out to my mama
when I was five.

You were probably going through
a phase.

No. I'm gay for sure.
I just been blowing my roommate.

Disgusting!

What is your problem? What you gonna
do anyway in your gay society?

Well, if you must know, I'm going to
sit alone in my room and think
gay thoughts.

You know, about men's bottoms
and that.

It's no good being gay on yourself.
You gotta get out there and do it!

I can't have sex with a man. I'm gay!

Crazy. You shouldn't be running
this gay society. I should.

I want to meet some cute guys.
Come on. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Gay society! Society for gays!

Ah, come here cute guys with the
blond hair and the little beard.

Bet you like it up the bum-bum.

OK. How many inches are you, please?

This British family
are enjoying their breakfast.

British people traditionally have
three meals a day,

unlike Americans,
who prefer to eat around 15.

One boiled egg.

Oh, thank you so much, dear.
Well, I've studied the guide book.
There's plenty to do.

Yeah, and David'll have some good
ideas. He's just in the shower.

Celia, can I get you some more
breakfast?

No. I'm fine, thank you.
I had some toast.

OK. Harvey, what would you like?

Bitty.

I'm sorry?

Bitty.

Oh, not bitty now, darling.
Have an egg or something.

- I don't want an egg. I want bitty.
- No, darling.

I think we should visit
the art gallery first.

Yes. Then somewhere nice for lunch.

- Bitty. Bitty.
- Oh, all right then.

Do excuse me.

The other place I wanted to visit
is the history museum.

They've got some
native American artefacts.

Sounds fascinating, dear.

- Oh, started already. Ha. Morning.
- Morning.

Morning!

Oh, honey, we're out of milk.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant to get some more.

Don't worry.
There's plenty more here.

Oh! Sorry!

There we are.

Good.

Eat up.

Let me know if you need more.

This is the home of Bing Gordon,
the eighth man on the moon.

The British have never been to the
moon, but some of us have been
to Belgium.

It's, er, just through here.
Pictures, memorabilia.

This is the radiator?

Yes, this is the one.
Just underneath this signed letter
I have

from the President congratulating me
on my moon landing.

Right. And what is problem with
the radiator?

Oh, it lets off a kind of hissing
noise when you turn it on.

Oh, er, I'll just move this piece of
moon rock out of your way

in case this piece of moon rock
gets in your way.

Better. Moon rock.

Ah. What's your name,
my Indian friend?

Sanjit.

Huh. You ever been to the moon,
Sanjit?

No, sir.

I have.

Think of that!

You thought you were here just to fix
some guy's radiator.

Turns out you're meeting
old Bing Gordon,
the eighth man on the moon.

And when you turn it off
it's still hissing?

No. Yeah, it's... No,
when you turn it off it doesn't hiss.

So, has it been giving off any heat?

No, it's been pretty cold. Not as
cold as the moon, which, as I say,
I went to.

You can see right there a picture of
me on the moon. That's me,
me on the moon.

Look at it, you prick!

Yeah, er, I think it is faulty valve.
Could anybody have tampered with it,
sir?

That is impossible, Sanjit.

I replace valve now.

Would you like a cup of coffee,
my Indian friend?

No, thank you.

I'll make you a cup of coffee.
You might want a cup of coffee.

I have your coffee. Over.

I have replaced valve.

Charge is $120.

?????

I've got some here.

Yup. Here.

Thank you.

Moooooooooon!

Hi, I need a plumber, please.

In Mississippi, British tourist Lou
has been out shopping for his friend,
Andy.

We don't have shops or money yet
in Britain. We barter mainly.

For example, livestock, grain, wives.

I'm back.

Yeah, I know.

Got any coins?

Andy?

Yeah?

Where did you get that?

That what?

That toy car ride
thing-a-me-gigga-be.

Er...

Found it.

You found it.

Yeah.

I'm not sure I believe you,
Mr Pipkin.

I think you might be telling lies
again.

Earlier today the Wal-Mart in
downtown Jackson was the scene
of a bizarre crime

when a man, posing as a disabled
wheelchair user,

was caught on the security camera
stealing a coin-operated
children's ride.

Noooo!

The suspect was wearing thick
spectacles, burgundy jogging pants

and a dirty tank top.

The police have issued the
following composite sketch
of the suspect.

Black fella did it.

In America, if you are white,
overweight and in your 60s,

you are rounded up
and put on a cruise ship.

- Good night, Captain.
- Good night.

Oh! Mrs Devere!

Call me Bubbles, darling,
everybody does.

What are you doing here?!

Oh, don't play the innocent with me,
darling.

You gave me a look tonight
over dinner.

- Did I?!
- Yes, darling.

It was a look that said, "Forget
about your large, unpaid gambling
debt.

"Come to my cabin later, at about
11.15 or so, and make sweet,
beautiful love to me."

Please leave.

Ha! "Please leave"!

We all know what that means,
don't we, Captain?

It means, "Please don't leave."

Mrs Devere, you're not going to
get out of paying off your
gambling debts by seducing me.

It's not going to work.

Really, darling?

I know you've made love to a woman
and I'm sure you've made love
to a fish.

But I bet you've never made love
to a mermaid!

What the...?!

Have you ever had sexual intercourse
in the ocean, Captain?

No, I have not.

Oh, it's so romantic.

You'll just have to be careful you
don't get saltwater in your vagina
or anus.

Get out of my cabin, Mrs Devere.

Er... Very well, darling.
Would you at least be a gentleman
and help me up?

Careful, darling.
I'm as light as air.

Thank you so much, darling.

Oh, Captain, what would people say
if they could see us right now?

This isn't going to work.

- Kiss me, darling.
- No.

Touch my breast with your hand.

No.

Tweak a nipple?

- Get out!
- Oh.

You can stick your finger up my bum.

Meanwhile, the hunters
are still stalking their prey.

Man, that's some wasp.

It's a beauty.

Oh, my God! It's still alive!

I think he's dead.

Gotta be sure.

More wasp?

Oh, er, no thanks.
I'm saving room for some mouse meat.

This is an art class. Britain
has produced many great artists.

Pablo Picasso - British.
Vincent van Gogh - British.

Leonardo da Vinci - British.

As we all know, America has produced
no artists of note.

So, our model should be here
any moment.

Now, today is Life Drawing.

What I want you to concentrate on
is technical precision.

Bonjour!

- Er, can I help you?
- Emily. Emily Howard.

We spoke on the telephone.
I am the "modelle" for this evening.

Right. We were expecting a...

Lady. Yes, I am a lady.

Uh-huh. Have you done this sort
of thing before, or...?

Oh, yes, yes.
I've modelled for all the magazines.

Vogue, Elle, Vanity Fair

and shit.

Well, we'd better get started.

Oh! Of course!

So how do you want me? Hmm?

Virginal? Hm?

Coquettish? Hmm? Slutty?

Actually, Mr, er...

Howard, Emily Howard. I am a lady.

Right, well, I don't know
if you read the ad correctly,
but this is a nude drawing class.

You're all going to
take your clothes off?!

Takes all sorts, I suppose.

No, you need to take off
your clothes.

Ooh, but I am a lady.

Whatever. My students need
to draw you naked.

You can undress behind the screen.

Oh, well. Do excuse me. Never been
in the nude before. I am a lady,
you see.

Oh, shit!

How are you getting on?

Pretty good.

And so we have met the people
of Britain and America.

But what do the people
of our great nations share?

Well, we share a strong sense
of moral purpose.

We share a desire to make the world
more civilised.

And we share bodily fluids.

That's on Thursday afternoons
at my place. Goodbye.

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