Original subtitles

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Well, Mr. Hamberger, back again, it seems.

Your file was transferred to the Deputy Commissioner's office.

And then the Assistant District Attorney sent a note down to the licensing office.

I'm flattered. All those top dogs troubling themselves?

Well, you shot several people, Mr. Hamberger. Only three.

I can't go outside my house without my gun.

I'll be a dead man. Please check it one more time. Yeah.

So, I was thinking a .38-caliber Smith and Wesson snub nose.

The really cute one?

That'll let them know that I want to be taken seriously.

I'll tell you. I'm not getting ripped off again.

If one of those muggers comes up to me,

I'm gonna blow his head off.

Okay, what do you say? Huh?

What do you mean it's not approved?

You got to approve this damn license!

[SCREAMS] Or else I'll blow your brains out!

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Drop the gun and slide it over here,

or I'll blow her fucking brains out. Now do it!

Back up, everybody. Somebody's gotta pay for it.

[WHISTLES] You're gonna die!

Application approved.

Don't move!

Spread your legs, baby.

[GRUNTING]

That's four, I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Can I move now? HAMBERGER: Yeah.

I need a drink.

I've already done enough for you for one day.

[♪♪♪]

HAMBERGER: My name is Hamberger. Please, no jokes about the name.

On January 1st, the population of New York was 7,161,400.

What I can't figure out is, how come half this town knows my face?

[CAROL CONNORS' "ILLUSIONS ARE REAL"]

♪ Deadly eyes zero in ♪

♪ Doing strange things to me ♪

♪ If eyes meet eyes I gotta hide ♪

♪ Else they'll see Right through me ♪

♪ Suddenly Illusions are real ♪

♪ There's no need to fear me ♪

♪ Reality seems to be ♪

♪ Better 'cause You're near me ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

[HORSE NEIGHS]

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

WOMAN: Have you come up with any more evidence?

Well, we're right on the brink of something, I can feel it now.

Actual proof?

You just leave it to us.

MRS. BAINS: Well, it's been such a long road.

Oh, I nearly forgot, Mr. Hamberger,

nearly forgot to pay you.

Thank you.

Rina, why don't you make out a receipt for Mrs. Bains.

I don't know what I'd do without you two.

You're the only people who listen and understand.

Here you go.

The turkey was very tasty.

Can I give you a ride home now? My taxi is right outside.

Oh, no, no, thank you. My doctor says I should walk.

Here, let me help you.

It's all right, dear. I can make it under my own steam.

Well, Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Be careful.

That $5 does more good for her than all the doctor bills in the world.

Ah, Jesus, she ate for $6.95.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

I'll do something big for her next week.

You know, one day you're gonna fly down to Dallas and really solve it for her.

Belated Merry Christmas.

Well, this must be Mr. Burton.

You're right on time.

Uh, if you don't mind, uh,

what I'd like to talk about is confidential.

Rina and I don't have any secrets.

Well, let's make the gentleman comfortable.

I'll go for the Haagen-Dazs. He adores Haagen-Dazs.

Vanilla Swiss Almond.

And don't let it melt.

Oh, gosh.

That's the trouble with her.

Around her everything melts. Everything.

You, uh, you come to me highly recommended,

but what kind of a place is this to do business in?

I'm an unemployed person.

I hang out in delicatessens all day

and hope that work will turn up.

You mean you're a detective without a license.

Got a lot of trouble with licenses. That's why I don't own a car or a dog.

Very well, let me get to the point.

The thing is, you see, uh, I'd like to get my wife murdered

and I thought maybe you could do something about it.

Could you be a little more direct? Mm-hm.

I don't care how you do it.

A gun, your hands, a pillow perhaps.

What makes you think I'm in that line?

You're involved in so many circumstances where people die violently.

It's accidental. I try to wound people, but I got a lousy aim.

Oh, I know you've never been indicted for anything.

What's the problem?

Now let's go to my office.

We're talking about a... Uh, Charlie, come here.

Give the ears a rest. Thank you.

Excuse me.

It's a matter of some $100,000 in cash.

Now, if you can't do it yourself,

surely you can find me someone who can.

Act as your middle man, keep you insulated?

I wouldn't know where to look. I'm sure you're well connected.

Did you just say $100,000? Thought that's what you said.

That's a lot of cash.

Can you tell me some nasty things about your wife?

Things that might make it easier.

What can I say about her...

Sharon is really, actually, a very pleasant person.

Very active in charities.

The problem is, she knows too much about my business.

Things that could ruin me with my partners,

not to mention the tax people.

And you know how the nice ones

can get when they've been crossed.

Yeah, I've run across a few nice ones in my time.

Do you have a photograph of Sharon in your billfold? Certainly.

Here's the photograph.

I prepared an itinerary of her daily activities.

A plan and keys to our New York apartment.

A map and keys to our weekend place on the Island.

I, uh, I trust you know

how to dispose of these when you finish with them?

Thanks for the confidence.

Shall we say, uh, $25,000 in cash now

and the balance upon execution of our agreement?

I would hate to take your money if I'm not able to go through with it.

Bad for my conscience.

Conscience?

All right, I'm squeamish.

I don't like the sight of dead bodies.

Then why do you make so many?

I'm off to Chicago.

I should be back for our annual

New Year's bash next Tuesday.

It'd be nice if I didn't have a date for that party.

Make me a widower, Mr. Hamberger.

HAMBERGER: I thought this Christmas season was gonna be,

you know, the kind you see in the movies.

Me and Rina in front of a warm fire...

Well, you know the rest.

Instead, here I am driving 50 miles out in the suburbs

because some guy offers me 100 grand to kill his wife.

I wanna meet the woman that's worth $100,000.

After all, I did take the down payment.

This refrigerator is larger than my apartment.

HAMBERGER: You've got a great body,

but that gun is distracting.

I don't even know if this thing is loaded.

I just pulled it out from under the bed where my husband keeps it.

Wouldn't it be embarrassing

if I pulled this trigger and nothing happened?

Wouldn't it be more embarrassing if something did?

So, what were you going to steal?

The jewelry, my stereo? No.

I didn't hear any glass breaking.

Well, I had a key. Several keys.

And to your place in the city, too.

You might say I work for your husband.

What, you work for Alex? Mm-hm.

You just came out here to pick something up?

No, to put something away. You.

Do you mind if I sit down?

I'd really rather you didn't.

It's easier to hit a standing target.

I don't think so.

He gave me your picture.

Which pocket?

This pocket.

Not bad.

This is terrible. Alex took this one himself.

Yeah, he takes his own pictures,

but doesn't do his own murders.

And if you're so outraged,

then why did you take this job?

Well, if I had turned him down,

then he would've looked elsewhere and found somebody else.

And then one day, I'd see another picture of you

splashed across the centerfold of the Daily News

and it would ruin my morning.

Aw, and now you can wake up

to a whole series of unending guiltless mornings,

right, Mr. uh...

Hamberger. And please,

don't make fun of my name.

[CLICKING]

So, this thing was unloaded?

You'll never know.

There's, uh, more chicken in the refrigerator.

Yes, I saw. Now, hold on now,

I don't want a falling-down drunk on my hands.

This one's for you.

Thank you.

Besides, I might fall in your direction.

Would you catch me?

[CHUCKLES]

So tell me, how are you planning to do it?

With your big strong hands?

I like to improvise.

Oh, good. So do I.

I'm sure you can make it, uh,

quick and painless.

That's more than life can be.

[CHUCKLES]

God, I had no idea you criminals led such exciting lives.

I'm not a criminal exactly.

What, an outlaw, then? You like that better? Mm.

Hm? Mm-hm.

So, maybe you'd do me a little favor. What?

Maybe you could do a little job on my husband.

All right, I'm sorry I asked.

That wouldn't be ethical. I mean, after all, he asked me first.

Boy, is he gonna be surprised when he comes home

and finds me playing hostess at his little New Year's bash.

[WHISPERS] Get on a plane, get out of town.

I'd forget about the festivities if I were you.

[CHUCKLES]

SHARON: Ham, I took your advice and split.

Love, Sharon.

HAMBERGER: That's the easiest $25,000 I ever made.

Now all I got to do is come up with a story for her husband.

[TOLL BELL RINGS]

Ham, what are you doing out here in the suburbs?

[CHUCKLES]

Keep the change. Thanks.

My man, Ham!

HAMBERGER: Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, okay.

Maybe she'll buy this.

Rina, I had to spend the night with Mrs. Burton

because her plane didn't leave until this morning.

Out of the way, bozo!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, here goes nothing.

[POPS]

I scared you. [LAUGHING]

You always scare me.

But in that dress you terrify me.

Thank you. You like it? Mm-hm.

What every New York cabbie should wear.

It should increase your tips.

Hey, what's wrong? Nothing.

You're lying. No, I'm not lying. What am I lying about?

You're lying.

[TITTERING]

I'm not lying about... I didn't even say anything.

What do you mean I'm lying? 'Cause I can tell.

I mean, aren't you gonna... You're gonna catch cold in that dress.

No, I'm not.

It has gloves to go with it.

Oh, good, great, let's... Can we see the gloves?

Come on, I'll show you.

I'm gonna put 'em on

so I don't hurt my knuckles when I hit you.

Beat you to a pulp.

What are you gonna hit me for? I didn't do anything.

Yeah. What did I do?

I'm gonna feel pretty shabby next to you.

Yeah? So I rented you a tux.

What, just sit around the apartment then?

I like us to be alone.

This way I got you all to myself.

Hm.

Let--Let me put some of this stuff up for you.

Oh.

As I was going up Pippen Hill Pippen Hill was dirty

There I met a pretty Miss And she dropped me a curtsy

Little Miss, pretty Miss, All blessings light upon you

If I had half-a-crown a day, I'd gladly spend it on you

So, how's the young lady out on Long Island?

Not so young, but a nice woman.

Yeah? Should I put this up?

How nice.

Yeah. I can't lie to you, Rina, because you'd know.

I didn't kill her. And I didn't sleep with her either.

You didn't, huh?

It was a pretty big shock when she found out

her husband wanted to have her iced, hm?

Bet she cried all over your little shoulder now, didn't she?

Ooh, I bet you made her feel

just like a woman again, right?

I talked to her.

Ooh, I bet you told her all about me.

I told her all about your cab and everything, okay?

Yeah, right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Put it on.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Oh, please.

You better put it on quick.

You know I'd never shoot you in a rented tux.

[CHUCKLING] I'll be doggone. Look at that. Mm, mm, mm.

[CHUCKLES]

$25,000. I thought I hid this from you.

Not too good. Took me about four minutes to find it.

You just walked into my apartment and just ransacked the damn place.

I didn't have to ransack nothing.

I'm gonna have to get myself a vicious dog

to keep you off my property. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Mm-hm. Yeah, and he'll learn to love me, too.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, I love you.

Madly. Mm-hm?

Yeah. Yeah, sure you do.

Better hold onto this before I lose it.

I'll certainly do that. Yeah.

Oh, hello, Paul. Enjoying the scenery?

Well, not all of it. [CHUCKLES]

Maybe if he wasn't here, it'd be better.

Well, season's greetings, Lieutenant.

[CHUCKLES]

What do you got to be so jolly about?

I'm glad you came by. Rina and I picked out for you for Christmas

a year's supply of...Odor-Eaters.

[RINA LAUGHING]

What, is that a joke? It's very funny.

You're a regular comedian.

I got one for you, funny man.

You know a lady named Mrs. Alex Burton?

Does she say I know her? Well, she doesn't say anything.

You see, they found her dead

in her house out in the Hamptons

and your fingerprints are all over the place.

Including the bedroom.

Oh, now you're painting me a pretty picture here.

How did she die?

Well, she was shot at close range.

Now, you wanna deny you were there? I put her on a plane.

She must have come back. You put her on a plane?

Yeah. Hey, you. I said, hey, you.

Wait a minute, now... Whoa!

You're really something.

You've ruined my entire New Year's Eve here.

Wait a minute! I used to believe that stuff that you handed out.

Rina, let me explain it to you.

But he's smarter than me.

Well, wait a second. Maybe she finally does understand.

Why don't you... Hey, you!

I sure as hell do understand!

I got you all figured out now.

I... I... You were with her. You were with her.

All right, come on. I'm taking you... Wait a second!

All right, hey, listen. Maybe you could beat a confession out of him.

Listen, you. I'm not allowed to.

I've already had enough of you. Wait a minute--

RINA: Shut up!

You've loused up my entire life. Damn it.

HAMBERGER: Wait a minute, let me explain. Explain?

You got the right to remain silent.

Oh, ya, come on. Explain. Let me explain it to you.

Come on. I felt sorry for her, so I...

Sorry? Sorry for her. Shut up! Yeah. I...

Okay! Wait a second, I got a few presents for you, buddy.

It's over. You want to take a few things with you?

Here. Could you hold this, please? Absolutely.

[SHATTERING] I don't wanna...

[WHOOPS] That's right.

Here, take your coat, too. Yeah.

Take everything!

Take your light!

And get out. Okay? It's over. You understand? It's over.

That's right. It's over between you and I. Get out!

Take this too! Shut up! [VASE SHATTERS]

Here's something else.

You're a real humanit... He's a real humanitarian

when it comes to women.

Aren't you? Oh, yeah.

Okay. You can have him now.

Thank you.

Damn it!

He never ever listens.

Damn it.

[BAND PLAYING "AULD LANG SYNE"]

Excuse me. May I see your invitation, please?

I work for Alex Burton.

Oh.

[PARTY HORNS BLOWING]

Hey, what's the matter?

Are you afraid you're gonna miss the New Year?

I'm ending it right.

[NOISE MAKERS RATTLING]

MAN 1: Oh, my goodness!

MAN 2: What's happening over here?

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

MAN: Move it, move it!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

We all saw it. We're all witnesses.

The man attacked you.

Well, just remember that when the police arrive,

that your guest of honor was misbehaving.

Guest of honor?

I thought this was Alex Burton's party.

It is. All the more pity he could not attend.

It seems his plane is grounded in Chicago because of a blizzard.

But, uh, such is fate.

That definitely wasn't Alex Burton that just took that dive?

Then who the hell was he?

I have no idea.

[SIRENS BLARING]

[DOG BARKING]

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Well, well, look who's back.

[CHUCKLING] Hey. You giving up your whole New Year's on my account.

Well, the year started off pretty amazing.

I understand a guy went through a window on the Times Square tonight.

Yeah, I got a great view of it.

I heard. You did?

Now just relax. I'm gonna take your piece off you.

I am relaxed. You're the one who's not relaxed.

What'd you do with Rina? Lock her up?

Come on, you know better than that.

You know what's really amazing?

You abuse this kid,

and she still sticks with you.

I don't understand.

She only cares what I do when we're together

and we do just great, thank you very much.

You know, we know each other a long time.

Yeah, that's true.

[CHUCKLING] You're making me look bad.

[GRUNTING]

Now I want all of it.

The guy said he was Burton.

He laid 25 grand on me to kill his wife.

I kept it and warned her. That's all.

Well, where's the money?

Rina's got it.

You're making her an accessory.

Let's go.

Come on. Get in the car.

I never knew how strongly you felt about her.

Come on. In the car.

I'm awfully glad you got that out of your system.

So am I. I feel better now. I don't.

[PARTY HORN BLOWING]

Go ahead, take a walk!

[RADIO CHATTERING]

Why don't we take a look at the lady's body?

Medical Examiner's got it.

Well, I could use a doctor right about now.

Look, Rina's gonna ask you who did this to you.

I'll tell her I got mugged.

You can take these cuffs off now.

I'll take the cuffs off when we get to Bellevue.

You've been beating me since we were 12 years old.

When do I get to win one?

Never.

Better take these cuffs off me before I make a citizen's complaint about you.

Turn around.

[GROANS]

How's your wrist?

Here. What do you mean how's my wrist? It hurts.

Wipe your lip.

Keep walkin'.

What a waste.

This isn't the Mrs. Burton I saw.

This woman just had intercourse shortly before she died.

Oh, not with me, not this one.

Has anybody else made an identification, Al?

Sure. The mother, the brother, they both were here.

That's Sharon Burton all right.

Yeah, what about the husband?

That's him, that's Burton.

What? Not even close.

Who are you guys? What right do you have

to be in here looking at her like this?

You're a very devoted husband, Mr. Burton.

Who is he?

Lieutenant Lefferts.

This man claims that someone pretending to be you

approached him and offered him money to murder your wife.

What are you saying? This isn't a burglary?

About your height. A little thinner.

Steel grey hair.

You'll find a version of him on that cold slab over there.

Why would someone put a contract out on your wife, Mr. Burton?

This man took money to kill Sharon?

I'm gonna hurt him bad. Hey, you lay off!

Wexler, it's all right. Just wait out by the car.

Next time I'll hit him harder.

Go ahead.

Wexler was very devoted to Mrs. Burton.

[WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON PA]

I understand.

What, are you going to arrest him, or charge him, or what?

Well, we want to take our time on this, Mr. Burton.

We want a conviction.

Not some mess that goes to the Court of Appeals and gets reversed on us.

I've already been brutalized twice today,

so I think you're gonna be a little out of luck on that account.

This man bleeds.

What do you know?

I'd like to have one more time

alone with my wife, please.

Come on, Hamberger, let's go. DA wants to see you.

Come on.

I said alone.

This guy Burton was pretty torn up.

And I guess it doesn't matter how much money you got.

[WHISPERING] Yeah, Wexler's pretty upset, too.

Right.

You're really gonna book me, aren't you?

The Assistant DA wants a shot at you first.

Let's go.

This is really great. I get pulled out of my own New Year's party

at 4:30 a.m. to have a conference with you two.

Alex Burton is a major figure on Wall Street

and a big contributor to the mayor's campaign fund.

Now that puts a lot of pressure on our office

to charge somebody with his wife's murder.

Him, for example? He'll do.

Hey, wait a minute, I didn't murder her.

Shut up. I'll handle this.

Oh, you'll handle this? You were obviously

too busy to see the late news tonight.

You made television history.

A man flew out of a 20th-floor window

and landed in the middle of Times Square at midnight.

Look, I can explain what happened.

I'm giving you till 10:00 p.m. on Friday night to apprehend the killer.

And it had better stick.

Happy New Year.

On national television?

Oh, I swear to God, I don't know what's happening.

Somebody is setting me up.

But I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Ham, you got till 10:00 Friday night.

That's all I can give you.

[WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA]

[EXHALES]

Rina!

[WHISTLES]

Rina!

Jeez, I'm hung over and I'm not even drunk.

Rina!

[COUGHS]

New Year's Eve, and nobody shows up

at my party, man. Rina!

Happy New Year, baby!

Rina!

♪ Should old acquaintance Be forgot ♪

Rina!

[WHISTLES]

Happy New Year, neighbor.

Rina?

[AIR HISSING]

Don't die on me, Rina.

RINA: Don't move.

On your knees.

Yes, ma'am.

So, now that you've ruined my New Year's for the third year in a row,

what you got to say for yourself, buddy?

Grounds for justifiable homicide. Hm.

I thought you were gonna shoot me.

Well, I would have.

But I didn't want them to shoot you first.

Oh, that's... Th-That's thoughtful of you, dear.

Ow!

Happy New Year, darling. I see Paul finally got to you. Hm.

He was pretty mad at me, you know.

I told him he could spank me.

[GIGGLES]

And? He said he'd save the spanking for you.

He did, huh? Mm-hm.

So who screwed up the wall?

Over there.

I figure it's gotta be somebody looking for you.

I would've went after him, but as you can see I'm butt naked.

Well, then you better get down before somebody shoots you.

They were after you.

You're the only witness to Mr. Burton's proposition.

Only, Mr. Burton wasn't Mr. Burton

and Mrs. Burton wasn't Mrs. Burton.

[CHUCKLES] Does that mean we don't get to keep the cash?

Oh, you beautiful...

mercenary creature, you.

Yes, we get to keep the cash,

provided we come up with a murderer

by Friday, 10:00 p.m.

Ooh, that means we got lots of time, right? Come here.

[GIGGLES]

Now you can go over to Sharon Burton's apartment

and talk to the doorman, the delivery boy, the janitor. Huh?

Wait a second. How come I have

to talk to the delivery boys and the janitors

and you get to talk with the limousine drivers

and the call girls and all the fun stuff?

The delivery boys love you, baby.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna make them love me.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, check it out now. AC's the name and Three-Card Monte's the game.

We're gonna play it one time.

Now, red card is a winner, black card is a loser, understand?

Reds move ahead. Black, you stay back, you got it?

I got it. Good. AC.

Which one you want, man, which one you want? That one.

You sure? You sure you got the money to pay for it? That one.

You sure? You sure you got the money... That one.

Hey, no problem, you won, brother. Check it out.

Pay the man. Check it out.

There you go, sir. No problem.

Hey, look, man, today must be your lucky day.

Check it out, man. Red card, red card.

Honey, okay, so we're gonna go to the apartment, right?

Then we're gonna... Whoa. Whoa. H-H-Hold it.

I ain't got time for that right now.

What do you mean you ain't got time for that?

Here, take this cash, get yourself something, buy something.

Go on. Come on, beat it, I'll see you later.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, what do you say, Willy?

Boy, you're looking good.

Hamberger. In person.

You're not looking that bad yourself today.

Thank you very much.

You enjoying la dolce vita?

La dolce what? Good life, Willy, the good life.

Come on, let's take a walk down the, uh, boulevard here.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, Willy,

a woman got murdered out on Long Island a few days ago.

Mrs. Alex Burton. She was an addict.

You supply her... Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute, man.

Don't try to put that on me, man. Who says so?

I say so. Hey, what do you say, Willy?

Wait a minute, man. I do not discuss my clients' business, all right?

Well...

I'm gonna tell you why you're gonna help me out.

It's nice to lend a hand to an old friend.

[LAUGHING]

Friend?

Let me tell you something.

I don't think you have any friends.

Now, you're hurting my feelings, Willy.

I don't care about me hurting your feelings, man.

Hey! Hey!

[GRUNTS]

[GASPING]

Now, how would a woman like that

come in contact with scum like you?

Oh, man, look, it was Jane Mallory that got her into that, man.

Who?! Jane Mallory.

She has got that modeling agency, man.

She got a whole lot of people into drugs, man.

Her girls bring that top-grade stuff in from Europe.

All right?

All right.

Oh!

You know what, man?

People are right about you!

You're nuts!

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hi, Mallory Agency.

Yes. No, we have general interviews... Hi.

...from 1:00 to 5:00 on Wednesdays.

Just bring your book by. Thanks, Bye-bye.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, may I help you?

That depends on you.

Really? Well, then you're gonna have a terrific day.

You can start by getting me in to see Miss Mallory.

Oh, is that all? Will that be difficult?

Um...

Great name.

Thanks.

Hi. Um, there's a Mr. Hamberger here to see Miss Jane Mallory.

Uh, no, he does not have an appointment.

Okay. Thanks. Bye-bye.

I'm gonna need that back. It's the only one I've got.

Thanks.

Do you supply the models for the TV commercials for the Burton file?

Yep. We do all their print and TV spots.

[PHONE RINGS] Then Alex Burton's been up here? Personally?

Excuse me.

Yes?

Okay, great. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Why don't you ask Miss Mallory that?

As a matter of fact, she's been expecting you and she is right down the hall.

Hm.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You're kinda cute. Oh, thanks.

So are you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me. Thanks again.

Mallory Agency.

Mr. Hamberger, come in. Nice to meet you.

Hello. How are you?

Fine. What can I do for you?

You know, you have a very rugged face.

Has anyone ever told you you ought to try modeling?

I thought you had to be good-looking to be a model.

Well, it doesn't hurt.

But, on the other hand, every once in a while I have a client

who's looking for a particular face for a particular product.

Right now there's an aftershave lotion that you would be just perfect for.

Well, I'm sorry. I--I don't like to have my picture taken.

You never know what someone's gonna do with it.

[LAUGHS]

Are you trying to put me at a disadvantage?

Do you always do that to women?

You know, I always think of you as that little girl.

What were you, five years old when you started modeling?

Six. Sweet of you to remember.

The most photographed face in the world.

Who'd ever thought she'd grow up to be a pusher?

A what?

You've been a naughty girl, supplying no-no's to your friends.

But, when a chum gets murdered, then it becomes serious.

Or shall I say customer?

Now, you know that that is a ridiculous accusation

and you also know I could sue you for it.

Well, the beauty of my position is that I don't have very much.

Two suits, an apartment I owe rent on, no stocks or bonds, no boat.

So, you see, lady, I'm invulnerable.

Yes, so I've heard.

I just like to make people squirm.

I particularly like the way you squirm.

You started out accommodating friends and clients.

Now, it's big business, isn't it?

Mr. Hamberger, I don't know

what the hell you're talking about.

Maybe I should just talk to the police.

Maybe we could, uh, chat over cocktails?

You did say you have another suit.

Oh, yes. I... My, uh, my good suit.

Great. Why don't you go put that one on

and meet me at 4:30 at 1 Main Street?

4:30 at 1 Main Street.

One. Right.

Okay.

How do you stay so trim?

Hypertension.

I'll do my best to try to add to that.

Don't worry, you're doing great.

So, you heard?

Now, 4:45 sharp

I'm going to excuse myself to go to the ladies' room.

You take care of the rest.

Don't I always?

But this one, I think I'm going to enjoy.

You can't kid me. You enjoy them all.

Miss Gloria Reid?

Yeah. Who are you?

My name is Hamberger.

Oh, you don't have to be afraid. I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm just looking for some information.

I got your name out of this book, this little address book.

It was one of those names crossed out in red.

Do you know a Jane Mallory?

Yeah. Sure I do. I used to work for her.

I could pick the lock for you, if you'd like.

I've already been inside.

You wanna go in? Come on, I--I put up a pot of coffee.

It's necessary that I talk to you.

Come on.

All right.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

You shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you.

Turn around for a minute. Let me see your face.

You curious? Wanna see it up close?

Beautiful, isn't it?

What happened?

I was in a car accident. I went through the windshield.

You didn't go through a windshield.

Why does it concern you? Why does it interest you?

I've known men like you.

Men who kinda like it. Very sick men.

What do you mean... What sick men?

Sometimes I wish they'd done the whole job.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

You really did make coffee.

Yeah. And I'll go get it. You just hang in here for a minute.

All right, here we are. Cafe for two.

For you.

For me.

You have a sweet tooth.

We all have our weaknesses.

Let me see your arm.

I've been clean about six months.

I can't afford it.

If I had the money, I would be right back to it.

Well, here's to your staying broke.

Who are you?

Tell me about the people who cut your face up

and who's behind it.

Look.

There are quite a few names,

besides yours, crossed out in red. See?

I think some of these women might welcome some help.

What's this all about?

All right.

You wanna know, I'll tell you.

I was modeling for Jane Mallory.

She sent us on a number of trips to the Cypress and Middle East...

and I found out that some of the girls were bringing back stuff.

I think you're in some kind of danger.

Something really crazy is going on

and I don't know what it is.

But this was years ago.

I want you to leave this apartment for a while.

Is there any place where you can go?

Yeah. My friend Caroline's in France for a month.

I... I have her keys.

I water her plants. I could go there.

Go there. Stay in.

Order out.

I'm gonna give you my card

and I want you to contact me as soon as you're situated.

Now don't lose it. It's the only one I've got.

HAMBERGER: Every time I get in trouble,

there's a beautiful woman involved.

Why is it this one scares me?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I'm meeting the famous Miss Mallory.

I'm afraid I can't seat you without a necktie.

But in Miss Mallory's case, we might make an exception

if you will simply button the top button of your shirt.

How do I look? Slightly blue.

I took the liberty of ordering the wine.

How come you don't have to keep your collar buttoned?

I'm a girl, didn't you notice?

It seems you have difficulty hanging on to your models.

There's been a hell of a turnover lately.

Yes. Well, you know how

beautiful women are, fickle.

They, uh, fall in love,

go off and get married and so on.

Some of them die.

Mainly suicides.

I suppose it's difficult for someone to understand

why a beautiful woman

would want to take her own life.

But often, they don't see themselves as beautiful.

Like, sometimes they just see themselves

as objects that people want and desire.

Yes, that could be frustrating.

Yes. Well, I'm sure you've known your share

of beautiful women, Mr. Hamberger.

Were they happy?

Usually not.

But I did my best to cheer them up.

It didn't work out too good.

Excuse me, sir. That little old button.

I hope the food is good.

Oh, it is.

And the view is spectacular, don't you think?

I can't tell.

I'm about to black out. Excuse me.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Waiter. Waiter, what is this?

I hope you're not gonna catch cold and die on me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHING]

Now,

tell me about the girls that didn't die.

Beautiful girls, partially disfigured

and ashamed ever to be seen or photographed again.

You've seen what happened to those girls?

One of them. Like Gloria Reid. You remember her.

Well, then you know that people like that can't be stopped.

I might stop some of them.

There's a gentleman who takes a psychopathic pleasure

in altering ladies' faces for them.

Their own personal plastic surgeon, huh?

I'd like to meet him sometime and discuss his bedside manner.

Would you excuse me just a moment?

Now, wait a minute. This is getting interesting.

Oh, I'll just be a minute.

But first, tell me about Alex Burton and how he fits into this scheme.

Alex's wife was an addict.

He found out I was supplying her and came to me all in a rage

and then, instead we became friends.

I introduced him to my contact in Marseilles, we became partners.

Now is that enough for you to digest for the moment?

May I please go powder my nose?

[CHOPPER WHIRRING]

Where are you rushing?

[GUN FIRING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

You must have told somebody about our date.

My secretary made the reservations.

It certainly wouldn't have been very hard to find out.

Lady, in another minute you would have been in the ladies' room.

No place safer than the ladies' room.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Well, it's a hell of a lot safer than hanging out with you, Mr. Hamberger.

[♪♪♪]

RINA: Well, this is the address on the bottle.

Denny Enterprises, 30 Rockefeller Center, Room 404.

HAMBERGER: I wonder how Clyde Denny is tied into this.

[CHUCKLES]

Anybody here?

Ever get a funny feeling, hotdog?

[GASPS] Too often around you.

Just stop.

Looks like they didn't lock up too good, huh?

Wow, check out this place.

Those kind of pictures always gave me bad dreams.

Not me. I kinda like being scared in the dark.

Check this out.

That's what you're gonna look like when you're about 60.

Well, how about this?

That's what you're looking like right now.

You know who this is? This is Jane Mallory. Yeah.

One of the most photographed models in the world.

I've seen her on all the covers of the magazines.

You keep up with that stuff, don't you?

That's right.

Here, cover me.

Clyde Denny?

Either his most convincing special effect or he's dead.

I bet on dead.

He used to be famous, too, didn't he?

Yeah, he spent a lot of his spare time developing prosthetics

for our disfigured war vets.

Well, so much for Clyde Denny. Nothing.

Let's take a look around down there.

Looky, looky.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, look up there.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

[GRUNTING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[GRUNTS]

OFFICER: Hold it! Hey, hold it!

Fuck!

RINA: Look out! Move!

RINA: Hamberger!

Let go of me. Come on.

Let go of me!

RINA: No! He didn't do anything!

Let go of me!

OFFICER: Okay, let's go.

Get your hands off of her! Get your hands off of her!

You get away from her!

Hamberger, what are you doing?

Let me explain! Get your hands off me!

What are you doing in this city, huh?

I mean, what, you hate holidays or something?

He was chasing after the man that murdered Clyde Denny,

up there, fourth floor, shot!

You're supposed to find the killer.

Not cause more murders.

Look, the guy you want is some kind of an acrobatic,

some kind of a circus performer who's still ahead. Not me.

I'm still trying to clean the mess up downtown from the helicopter.

RINA: Quit blaming him for everything, okay?

PAUL: Take the cuffs off of him. Yes, sir.

Take the stuff out of your hair.

And get out of here before the media shows up.

I'll see you Friday at 10:00 p.m. With Burton's killer.

PAUL: You better be there. Okay.

Well, with this guy loose, gonna have to raise taxes.

Merry Christmas.

Let's go. There's another stiff on the fourth floor.

[BAND PLAYING "ONWARD, CHRISTAN SOLDIERS"]

HAMBERGER: Drop me off here. I'm gonna have a talk with Burton.

I only have one witness. Her name is Gloria Reid.

RINA: Oh, great. Another beautiful model.

Somebody cut up her face.

And you're the father figure.

I can't believe this. Some of the stuff I put up with.

When am I gonna learn?

She's at 149, Fraser Avenue, apartment 3.

RINA: Well, we'll just sit around

and talk about how wonderful you are.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Watch that!

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Oh, you're not serious. You're gonna be sorry you came up here.

Oh, Wexler, I hate violence.

[EXCLAIMS]

Going down?

Is Alex Burton here?

Excuse me?

Is Alex Burton here? It's okay.

You don't have an appointment. You can't go in there.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Is Alex Burton here?

You can't go in there.

[GASPS]

Yes, I can.

Because of the decline in quarterly profits,

there'll be no dividend this period.

Furthermore, I... Excuse me.

Sir, you must be in the wrong place.

Will you check with the receptionist?

It's okay. What is okay?

It's all right.

I--I don't understand. Who are you?

His name is Hamberger.

HAMBERGER: Lookit, I failed economics in high school,

but I know that gold fluctuates

and the bottom fell out of the silver market a year ago.

But drugs, they never lose their value.

They only go up.

What're you talking about?

That a very small select segment

of American big business

has shifted to raw heroin as a method of hedging their bets

against inflation in the currency change.

I'm gonna call security.

Security is on a coffee break.

Sit down, Petersen. Yes, sir.

All right, let's speculate that certain private investors

wish to control the drug market.

Don't you think that's been going on for some time?

Don't you think even governments have participated?

Don't lecture me.

Just tell me who disfigures and murders beautiful women.

We needn't tell him anything.

I don't think he's gonna shoot anybody.

For God's sakes, tell him.

The man you want is Ambrose Costillion.

We contact him through his sister who is a model for the Mallory Agency.

Satisfied?

That's the name I wanted.

Just needed verification.

I'd hate to kill anybody without verification.

On Wall Street, when the crunch comes,

they tell me guys like you usually jump out of windows.

Try not to fall on me.

[DOOR OPENS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Thanks a lot.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[GROANS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[BUS HONKING]

Cosmopolitan.

New Yorker magazine.

Mademoiselle.

Gentlemen's Quarterly.

Guns and Ammo Monthly.

MALE ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: May I present Miss Francette Masse.

Presenting Patty Petersen.

Pardon me, but...

aren't you Reggie Jackson, the ball player?

No, I'm Jesse Jackson, the Presidential candidate.

Oh, heh, right on.

Meet Mr. Jesse Jackson.

Oh, thanks. Mr. Jessie Jackson.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Cheers to you. MALE ANNOUNCER: Now look at Anita Paul.

Ladies. Good to see you.

What is this?

Don't eat that stuff. It's terrible stuff.

You are so tacky.

I try.

You know you have no business being here.

You couldn't be more wrong.

How would you like it if I had you thrown out?

By one of them?

What are you, one of those guys who likes

to beat up on homosexuals?

I tried that once.

He was the ex-middleweight champion of the US Marine Corp.

I lasted five rounds.

Well, I can see that

you would be attractive to all the sexes.

MALE ANNOUNCER: And here we have Nancy Costillion.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

Let's see how I appeal to Miss Nancy Costillion.

Leave Nancy alone.

Keep this cold for me.

Ta-da.

Sorry.

Don't eat that.

Excuse me, sir. This area's restricted. You can't go in.

That's okay.

Uh, Miss Costillion, I gotta talk to you.

I don't know you. Sorry, I have to change.

Well, the whole operation's collapsing.

Your brother's panicky and he's killing people.

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

You're a witness. Maybe the only witness to a lot of it.

You've gotta be silenced.

Yeah, your own brother. You know he's capable of it.

Just get out of here!

[WOMAN EXCLAIMS]

Nancy, go back to your dressing room.

Nancy, you don't have to be afraid!

I want to help you! Stop it. Leave her alone.

Nancy, get back to your dressing room!

[SILENCED GUNFIRE]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

I don't believe this.

I didn't mean to kill the guy. I was just trying to wound him.

Look at this. I mean, that's ridiculous.

Don't you think that's ridiculous?

I was worried.

That I wasn't being killed. Not this time. Thanks. So, who is he?

His name is Levante. He was one of Costillion's servants.

[PHONE RINGING] I first saw him in London about four years ago.

So, he had his own sister killed

and let you live. Why is that?

I owe him so much money.

You'll say anything.

You really know how to lie with a straight face.

It amazes me.

Mr. Hamberger, there's an important phone call for you.

I'd follow you anywhere.

How'd you know my name?

Girl on the phone said you probably shot someone.

Hello, Rina?

RINA: Someone's watching the apartment

your friend Gloria was holed up in.

Around her street.

I hope you got a plan because I'm really scared,

and I don't want to go back to my place.

What should we do?

Rina, don't panic. Take her to Shea Stadium.

Drop her off at the picnic gate.

I'll have Carmine meet her.

Shea Stadium?

Carmine can't even get you good seats. Rina...

Okay, we're on our way. Rina...

But I'm telling you that this time we're in over our heads.

Listen to me.

How come I love you more every minute?

So, Mr. Hamberger is in love?

What about it?

Oh, you're in big trouble now.

You're suddenly very vulnerable.

So I am.

But your friend, Costillion, is worse off.

He's nearly dead.

I love fashion shows.

Hey, come back here. You have to wait for the police.

Jeez.

Hi, you must be Gloria, right? I'm Carmine.

Gloria Reid.

CARMINE: You know, I started as a ticket taker.

Twenty years later, I'm head of security. Here, let me get this.

CARMINE: Hamberger never calls unless it's important

or he needs tickets.

But he did call,

and what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna baby-sit for him till he gets here.

Look at this place. Is this incredible?

Shea Stadium, home of the New York Mets.

I spent half of my life working in this ballpark.

And what a beautiful park, huh?

I'm a lucky man. Here, watch your step.

Have a seat here. Okay.

How's about a little coffee? Good.

That'll be great. Like I said,

you know, Ham doesn't usually call me

unless it's for tickets.

Otherwise, I don't hear from him.

I don't know much about baseball.

Really? Casey Stengel?

Duke Snider?

Marvelous Marv Throneberry? Sorry.

Willie Mays? Mm-mm.

Where have you been, on Pluto?

If you're in any kind of trouble,

don't worry, Ham will take care of it.

Carmine!

HAMBERGER: Carmine! That's him now.

Behind you!

Ham, we're here! [GUN FIRING]

[CARMINE GROANS IN PAIN]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

LEFFERTS: Over here.

[SCREAMS]

Who's your friend, Gloria?

Let go of the lady.

Shut up!

Just take it easy.

[GROANING]

We'll work something out.

Just move the gun away from the lady's head.

COSTILLION: Shut up!

Okay, now let's talk.

Or do you want me to dump this refuse over the edge?

Take it easy. Throw your gun away!

Okay. Just take it easy.

I'm putting my gun down.

Gloria, you really do talk too much.

I should have cut your fucking tongue out!

Look, we're gonna work this out. Just take it easy.

You don't have to die. Neither does she.

She'll be my hostage until I leave the country.

Mr. Hamberger can take care of the police until then.

That's the deal. Hamberger makes his own deal.

He has a high regard for you. I mean nothing to him.

He can still have Jane Mallory and Burton and all the others.

All but me.

Costillion!

[GRUNTS]

[GUN FIRING]

You're out.

I got Costillion.

Somehow the face was different.

But the voice, I should have recognized the voice.

That's what confused me.

But, here we are and now, there's only one lose end to take care of.

Couple of the year, you and Alex Burton.

Whatever face you wear, you're beautiful.

Oh, it's gotten me out of a lot of trouble.

'Course, it's gotten me into a little trouble, too.

But then, you know about that.

Meaning Alex Burton?

He came to castigate me for giving drugs to his wife.

And he took one look at you and changed his mind.

He loves me more than he's ever loved any woman in his life.

I can understand that.

So, you became partners.

Well, it was the new international commodity.

Better than gold or silver. Better than diamonds.

After all, De Beers controls the diamond market.

They get to dictate the price.

That's what Alex wanted to do with heroin.

There was one flaw in his master plan,

his wife.

Yes. Well, she did find out about our little enterprise.

I mean, he offered to pay her off, but...

Please, the lady's dead.

You're being unsympathetic, darling.

I had nothing to do with how she died.

Oh, come now. Innocent?

Didn't you have the notion of hiring

some kill-crazy fellow everybody had it in for,

somebody you could count on to do the foolish thing?

The noble thing.

Oh, yes, how noble I was. I slept with the lady,

I warned her, but she turned out to be the wrong lady.

Was she already dead and hidden

somewhere in the house when I got there?

Burton couldn't have done it.

He was busy fixing himself an air-tight alibi in Chicago.

Burton isn't running the operation anyway.

He's just the front. It's you.

You're getting nowhere, Hamberger.

I'll bet you some money you're wrong.

All bets are off, Hamberger. Ah.

Nice to see you.

HAMBERGER: You had to muddy up the waters a little bit, didn't you?

Create a substitute in a story

that I would tell and nobody would believe.

Time marches on.

Did he tell you about the strange coincidence?

When they took his wife's body to the autopsy,

they found she'd had sexual relations.

The very night she died, she was with a man.

Shut up, Hamberger.

And now that I think about it, I wonder who that man was.

Shut up!

[GROANS]

Where do we go from here?

How about Rio?

What makes you think I can be bought?

Who's talking about buying you?

I just want to rent you for a few years.

Sorry, Miss Mallory, I'm not for rent, either.

Living with you could be dangerous.

You might kill me if I got a headache.

Oh, now, that's very doubtful.

Come on, Hamberger, why don't you stop chasing ambulances.

Wise up for once in your life.

You know, we could have it all.

You make it real hard.

Hard? Honey, I make it real easy.

[PHONE RINGING]

Rina. RINA [ON PHONE]: Hamberger?

Where have you been? And don't go telling me any of your nonsense, either.

Come and get me. I've spent half my life waiting for you to call

and I'm tired of sitting here cooking for no reason.

From now on, if you're not gonna show up,

don't bother ever showing up ever again.

HAMBERGER: I never did like two-faced women.

It's amazing how greed

and growing old make people act strange.

At least, those are two things

I'll never have to worry about.

By the way,

what the hell was in those green bottles?

[CAROL CONNORS' "ILLUSIONS ARE REAL"]

♪ Deadly eyes zero in ♪

♪ Doin' strange things to me ♪

♪ If eyes meet eyes I gotta hide ♪

♪ Else they'll see Right through me ♪

♪ Suddenly Illusions are real ♪

♪ There's no need to fear me ♪

♪ Reality seems to be ♪

♪ Better 'cause You're near me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ohhhhh ♪

♪ Illusions are real Illusions are real ♪

♪ Illusions are real Illusions are real ♪

♪ Deadly games Played to win ♪

♪ Nothin' worse than losin' ♪

♪ When you win The world's your friend ♪

♪ Lady Luck, she's two cents ♪

♪ Suddenly Illusions are real ♪

♪ There's no need to fear me ♪

♪ Reality seems to be ♪

♪ Better 'cause You're near me ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪

♪ Illusions are real ♪