Original subtitles

My father never chooses me for anything.

If you needed a kidney, you know, offered a mine?

Well, he'd take it because he was dying.

It's not that he doesn't love me, because he does.

It's just that special kind of love that, you know,

feels like neglect.

Come on, don't pick me, pick me.

I'll take a little Sammy.

Okay, just because he's a gift doesn't mean he can't hit way better than you.

Don't be prejudiced. Let's go, Ten Man.

What? Do you have enough rejection in your life? You grow a thick hard catless on your soul.

Anybody shakes hands with my soul, they know that soul's done a hard day's work. I feel that.

It's a man's soul!

How did I get married in a month? Do you want to be the best man?

Well, well, you can find like a homeless guy?

I'm serious. You're my son. You're an adult. Now I think of you as my friend.

Yeah, I guess. Okay. And Kathy wants a rehearsal dinner. Maybe you could, yeah, I'd rehearsal dinner. Yeah, you know, best man makes a toast, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

My dad's never treated me like a friend before, you know? He's always treat him more like, you know, an enemy.

An enemy who's the baby she was, he hung from his rear view mirror.

Oh, god. You're beautiful, Christopher.

Ooh.

Okay, it's got before he distorted the shape of my skull.

I'll just show how much my dad loves me.

All right.

Congratulations, son.

What?

Okay, back then up.

Uh, there. Ha! Up till then, I wasn't humiliated by having my pants taken down in front of my friends.

And dad looks so supportive. And this one shows dad as a drug driver. I'll show that one.

That's it. I've taken the best moments of my father's life and compiled him into a heartwarming 3.5 minutes.

Who is the bestest best man? To my father, to my teacher, to well, my best friend. Thank you for making me your best man.

That was lovely. And it reminds me, I don't want him to be your best man. I want it to be my father.

Uh, dad. Hey, she does sex with me. You're out.

I'm sorry. After all the work you put into this party, you should be the best man. I am furious. Oh, I am so... I am furious. He has messed with the wrong guy.

Tommy, don't worry, we're too gay, okay? You don't have to go get in his face. Oh, thank god. Look at me. I'm shaking.

I'm so happy here. Listen, don't be mad at your father. Be mad at Kathy. She's the evil one.

Oh, I hate her, honey. Johnny, she's a shrew. She's not even human. She's a dog half wolf.

And you know, we shouldn't judge until we've walked the mile in her hooves. Oh.

So you are upset. No, no, no, no, no. I'm over and on that man. Honey, you know what? I really hate that. You are never, ever upset when I am upset. Why can't we be upset together?

Okay, next Saturday. I'll tell you I have a big butt and we'll make a knot out of it. Dad taught me that when you reveal a weakness, you reveal your human. And humans die! Of course, they squirre him first. That's the part that length's best.

He's bad, hey, he's bad, hey, hey! Your mother's in a maintenance institution.

You're out! You've got to learn to tune out the hecklers.

Tommy's up next. He wets the bed.

Hi. My sister says she feels awful about taking away this man from you.

Well, you know what? She should. I'm just kidding. She never said that.

You know, this really means a lot to Christopher. If you could put a word into your daughter?

Of course, you'd probably have to first swallow the flimble all that's making the norm.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, Nancy. I'm late. We were in the parking lot having sex. If you knew what I mean.

He kills me. Yeah, he's special. The best man's asleep. Oh, perfect.

But I thought you were the best man. No, Dave. Kathy made Pobotitis Replacein with Kathy's father. She's evil, vicious, moatard!

What is that? Man it up.

You're not best man. Dude, I am so sorry. You spent hours in that speech. You didn't know what it did. She's you did.

Hours and hours and hours. That's time you'll never get back. Ever. That's time you could have spent having sex with Aaron if you didn't know what I mean.

Dave? Everybody's cracked your little code.

Well, brother Dave has two God-given gifts. One, he can take the lowest point in your life and just amplify it. So you have a new lowest point in your life.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I'm sorry, dude. You'll never find another girl like Corrigan.

I'll leave that. And, too, he can lie in his back, fill his mouth with milk and let a dog drink out of it.

Can't do that. Dude, so what if Lisa was perfect, huh? Look what I drink new?

Lisa, use a drink out of five mouth like the man.

Everybody, the best man would like to give a toast.

Oh, right. Then, dad. What? Your toast? Oh, down to hatch. That's it. Don't die, Dad. Honey, you should give your toast. Oh, no, nobody follows down the hatch. He's good. Everybody, Christopher has a toast. No, I don't. Stop it, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

I will not be outdone by Grinabond and Wackbag. What? What does that mean? I don't know. I just have so much hatred inside. I don't know what I'm saying. So just get over there and be funny or no more. Go to a Bobby for you. You got a funny speech? No. Yes, he does. It's hilarious. It puts down the hatch to shake. Everybody, everybody quiet down. My son is going to make us all laughs.

Let the magic begin. My dad is full of support and encouragement. He just makes it feel like a band and met in betrayal.

It's his god-given gift. It says if an angel touched him on the head and said, go thou fourth-kennis and rip thy boy a new one.

Hello, do you? It's an honor being chosen to be my dad's best man. Was, was an honor.

You know, dad doesn't really need a rehearsal of dinner because he's been married what five times.

Pretty sure he knows his lines by now. It's, uh, I will. I do and get to hell up bitch.

That also, you know, he cycles the figures on top of the wedding cake. You know, the one where the groom's face down in the icing and the bride is talking to her lawyer.

Well, that was funny. It was not. There's nothing funny about alcohol abuse on cakes. That's enough sit-on spiky.

You're right. You know, I was going to be dad's best man, but I guess I'll just have to wait till the next wedding.

Lucky for me, it's never that long a wait.

I'm gonna go talk to you like that. I hate to disappoint you, but there's not going to be another wedding. For Kenny, I'm the end of the line. That's for sure.

You're father's made some mistakes. He had you. He kept you and he adopted Dave. That's a failure. Try factor.

Hey, and she cooks, too. I love these things. Everybody gets slammed.

I turned your father's life around. He doesn't drink anymore.

He doesn't. I did that. Me, right here. Tell us. I'm his savior. Not you. You know what you want? Tell us.

Not the best man. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Gerdy, I'm not a fan. You're a dream. You're a dream. You're a dream. That's why I love her. It is too crisp for when she's angry. This is hilarious. I can assure her. You're angry if you smuggled your tongue.

You don't trust. You know, because once you cross those lines, it changes the nature of the relationship.

Screwed up people on a wear of these lines. And I don't know what that line is from being by a pretty church.

Captain Closet, man. I can't see it.

Okay, Kathy, you want to play?

Dad, drunk driving video.

I think Kathy is going to give it a head.

Kathy, here we see Dad weaving into the drunk driving checkpoints. Two wheels on the sidewalk.

Hmm. Thank God you got him to stop drinking. Turn that off.

What are you going to do? Make me not best man.

Ah, I'm in a circus.

Kathy knows a good action movie when she sees once.

Another cut from Dad is step from the vehicle. He opens the door. And the nice officer's helping right that to his feet. Hey, rewind that tape. That black cop pushed me. Okay, now he's attempting to touch your nose to ask him to put the beer down first. Thank God. But I'm pretty sure he's supposed to touch his own nose.

Anybody else in the cup? That pissed off. He's side's day. Okay, now here's a switch. A lady cop and Dad's frisking her.

It was an old high school sweetheart. Anybody else have a toast? Down the hatch.

Katie, Kathy, Kathy. I told you all about that, didn't I? Sure I did. You remember? Sure you do. This is your night in shining armor. You poor thing, you poor desperate thing. But I know he loves me. You poor desperate older than me thing. Look, look, Kathy. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- stressed out. The wedding's off. We're done. Oh.

Woohoo! The bench is gone!

Good bye, Greta von Wackbad. I'm getting some kuddle bump into that.

What? What? Talk about an overreaction on Dad? Kathy.

What is that? What are you doing? Nothing. You're not crying. You don't cry. Stop crying. You made that cry.

I did not show up. Get me some milk and a dog quick.

Hey, Dad. You got the...

Dad, come on, you're kidding, right?

You're an awful, awful man. I'm taking this.

Can't be that. Hey! I hope they charge you for this.

Oh, Dad. Oh, go away. I don't want anybody to see me like that.

Dad.

Well, the bread was Kathy's sister. I'm not quite sure who that was.

Dad, look. Everybody's pissed at me. You got me, okay?

That's it, batter. Leave me alone. Come on, Dad. This is weird. You're acting like you have feelings.

Give me a bottle of whiskey and a glass.

I'm Christopher Fixis. He's drinking. He shouldn't be drinking.

It's an open bar.

Christopher. He'll get all right, all right. Dad. Dad. Look. Ow!

You and the outside. You're going round and round.

Dad, look, look, look. This is for the best. Okay, Kathy was just the heart attack rebound.

Jake, man, there's other fish in the sea. Where am I going to meet another woman like Kathy?

Maybe you can have another heart attack.

But what about the bartender, huh? I mean, I don't know. Check her out, man. She's your type. She's hot. And she can tap a cake.

Salaman who can lose its tail and grow a new one in three weeks. My father can score a new tail in three minutes.

That's it. I want a divorce.

Hi.

Mr. Titus, I think I have some words here that can help. If I may. Shut up fruit. Well, when you say shut up fruit, what I'm really hearing is, shut up fruit. That's what I'm hearing.

I can't watch him like this. Well, honey, I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but you have to do the right thing and go get Kathy back. Well, I hate you for saying that.

What's not hate, but some annoyed. No. Do you like that? No. Do you like that? No. Do you like that? Oh, okay. That's me. No Christopher, do the right thing. Oh, right. Dad, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. Look. Kathy. Ow.

Pastor. Kathy? Look. I came to a college. Again, papa?

No, ow. I was hoping Ken would come out here and beg me to stay, but of course, I'll let you pick up my cripple father.

No, no, dad, that actually loves you. I mean, he hasn't had drinks in sat night and he's in the right now crying his eyes out.

Ken, he doesn't cry. No, no, no. Yes.

How many cry over me? Well, because you're such a terrific lady. Yeah.

They say that lying causes tumors, but that hasn't been proven.

This? It's just an ingrown hairy laks. No, no. Your father and I will never work. He lies about his drinking. Yeah. And I see the way he looks at other women.

Yeah. Obviously, I'm not pretty enough. Yeah. Right. You and not pretty enough, or come on. Way pretty, and if you're almost too pretty. Really, really pretty. Wow. Dave actually calls you.

You're really pretty Kathy. This is probably a bite I scratched it too hard. You know, maybe like a spider laid eggs in my neck or something.

My daughter like that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what have you chasing me for?

And you have a very pretty girl here. I would defend her, too.

No, I'm pretty. People are always staring.

Oh, you're a tropic stopper?

Your father will just skhrarcept me again?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You changed them. He needs you.

The whole family needs you.

In fact, Aaron wants you to be made of honor at all,

or wedding.

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

It's probably benign.

LAUGHTER

Maybe I'll just buy a hat for you, you know?

LAUGHTER

So can we just go get you and Dad back together?

All right, thank you. Let me just go fix my face.

Oh, oh. There's not a thing you could do.

LAUGHTER Stop flirting with me. I'm not that much older than you.

LAUGHTER And don't think I don't know that.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

I can't even run on.

LAUGHTER

Looking goes!

It's go time. No, no, no. We worked everything out. He's my chair, bro. No!

LAUGHTER

Down the hatch.

LAUGHTER

They used to call this a highball.

Oh, oh! LAUGHTER Dad. What the hell are you doing? I took you to advice. I caught another fish. Check out the gills, all right? And the boobs, if you know what I mean.

Dad, I just got Kathy back for you. Well, nobody asked you to. Yeah. Who wants her back?

Did what about the tears I saw you crying? I saw you. I did that to humiliate you and front of friends and family.

Like you did to me. Watch. Kathy! Oh, my God, Kathy! Oh, my God, Kathy.

Hey, you, Benny, Kathy, Kathy, Benny. You lying cheating, darling.

Hey, you slapped me and you walked out. My son was right. I was on a heart attack rebound.

We're not right for each other, just like he said. You told me I was pregnant!

I thought Dad wanted you back. You set me up, you little bastard. I said, I meant what I did to him.

That's who you was pretty enough. Me or the guy with no hatch? Oh, crap. Another wacko with a gun.

That's how it precarious is. Okay, Kathy, I want to say you're pretty. I really meant that Aaron, tell her how pretty she is.

Oh, pretty heavy. See? Come on. I think I can put this on.

I respect him. Bring it on, wacko. Get all the bunch of lawyers out! Oh, I'm back. My father never chooses me for anything. Less he needs a human shield. 30 years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buckshot.

Told you, damn, needed me. Who's the best man there?

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.