Original subtitles

Death is good.

If it's someone you don't like.

Come on, Vlad, the impaler.

I mean, Hitler's dead.

Woo hoo!

I'm going to how a heinous someone is.

Remember, there's always a chance

that a deputy from Barstau will find their body

in the desert rolled up in charge carpet.

Why are you crying? He held me money.

Dad, he's dead.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's right. That's I feel better.

No man, how a psychotic someone is. There's someone who loved them and didn't want them dead.

I mean, Hitler had Eva Braun. Vlad, the impaler had the Mrs. Carol. The impaler.

I myself have loved many cycles. I love Dakota. What can you do?

To pin out the bus boy. And Taylor?

Oh, my God.

Honey, this will not bring your dog back.

And, Chestery.

You will bow before my dark lord, or I will sacrifice you.

Oh, not chicken again.

But I left home. I packed my way through that briar,

patch of psychobitches. And then I met in a well.

No one else dead. I was with him when she was alive. It was creepy, the other way.

Titus? I didn't know you were coming to the wake. Oh, my God. Is Aaron here, too? Did you finally tell her about no well? Oh, it will be such a relief not to keep this a secret anymore.

I'm not Titus. You still haven't told her. Titus, stop calling me that. Why are you telling her about no well?

You know why? Shut up.

Christopher? Brian. Hey, hey. Thanks for coming.

Now I would have wanted you here. It's good to see you, man. You sure she's dead, right?

I mean, sure. She's not in a coma or something because I heard that can happen. She's dead. Good.

I'm so sorry about no well. I've always considered myself an honor and remember of your family. And you are... Tommy. Tommy Shaffter. Your next door neighbor for 12 years? Oh. Thanks for coming.

You remember me? Tommy has got a lot on his mind. Somebody is dead. I babysat for them. Dave, you're... I don't know. Tell me you're doing here. Why'd you do that? Hi. Who's doing well?

I saw you had to pick up an engine in Santa Clarita. Who's the well? I liked about Santa Clarita. You think you want to know about that? Tommy? Who's the well?

She'll be everyone who people are. I'm dead. We just came in to use the bathroom. She was my wife.

What's the matter? She's just just growl like David. Okay? A couple of the times. It's no big deal.

Look, you know, you always say we need to work on our communication skills. Let's do that tonight at home.

Aracia? And go!

You're gonna lose like that. Why didn't you tell me about her?

I mean, I'm gonna be just... First of all... Why? Well, because she's a girl and you're a girl and that's a conflict.

She met nothing. And you're at her wake. This is a wake?

Tommy, we've stopped lying. I don't know about Seyho's here.

I'm just here to make sure that she's dead. What? You don't want her buried alive, right?

I mean, man. Remember that movie? You hated that movie?

I just didn't. I haven't told you about all the men I slept with. All the men...

Men... Men... Men... Men... I slept with. That's just to get me back, right?

You're bad! What about girls? Was there any girls?

When I was done with them, there were women. I'll write all right.

I lied, I'm sorry. We're any of the women Asian. Everybody says they want to truth, but if that were the case, 50% of the planet would not wear shorts.

Well, because someone had told them the truth. Oh, I mean, it looked good on you. You're fine. I'll just go like this.

You should try one of those stick-up bras, like my third white Gloria. She's as old as you and their perky is kittens.

Okay, but you're gonna have to name them two and fro.

Tydeus, let's go. You can't go in there. Why not? Noels, head fell off. They weren't gonna, you know what they're at.

I'm sorry.

Tommy, it's okay. She knows Noel and I only went out a couple of times. Right, so let's go. Not to I see the head.

Oh, Tommy's right. We should not look at the pork grower without any head.

Was it the first or second date that you posed for the billboard?

Hey, that's, uh, uh, both dates actually two really just long-boring dates.

That lasted a year of peace.

So, you went out with her for two years? No, not two years. It was like a year and a half we lived together.

You lived with her. You lived with her? Come on, let's go there.

Let's live with her. Nothing, you know, you know, you and I lived together. It was exactly like that except you have a much better TV.

I thought about your TV all the time and the way you looked at a few stair the sound is incredible.

There's a person like this. Look, Noel meant nothing to me. Let's just go. No, Christopher.

Hi, listen, I found this letter addressed to you and Noel's things. She must've never mailed it. Oh, let's see.

It's a federal offense to open someone else's letters. I'll read it later. Love you, too. I promise mine forever. Oh, these pieces still are small enough. I want us to be together forever. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and pół. And ever and ever and ever.

If you leave me, I'll kill you. I love you, too. You are acting crazy. Just talk to me. Were you still seeing her? Did you have a child with her? Why? Oh, yeah, that's it. We have a kid. Yeah, he lives here in the basement. He survives off a money he finds and dead people's clothing. Oh, my no-go? Dave, shut up. We're leaving. Not without my nephew, Mr.

You're not going to be a kid. Yeah, you leave if you want to, but I am not going to find out what's going on. You are bringing everybody down.

Someone here must know about your shorted double life with Noel. Where are her parents? Oh, they don't know. Couldn't make it.

Yeah, they're right over there talking to Tommy. No, no, no, no. I was the one who mode your lawn and cleaned out your gutters for far less than minimum wage.

Of course, I remember you Robert.

You can't talk to them. No, would you like me to talk to Christopher Rostister? Her brother? Well, excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you. Is it was brother here? Her brother is dead. I'm her brother. Oh, look, I never lie. Christopher said you were dead. No, that was my brother, Marty. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Why are you trying to hurt me? I'm so sorry. Why are you trying to hurt me? I'm so sorry. Why are you trying to hurt me?

You know, somebody who's somebody in apology at home. Christopher, you and I are engaged. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with the man that I cannot trust. Someone here must know about you and Noel. So either you tell me now or I'm going to ask everybody in here one by one.

If you're willing to let someone believe something horrible in order to hide the truth, can you imagine how horrible that truth must be?

I sure is hell wouldn't want to be me right now. Aaron. She was a love of my life. What?

She was the love of my life. And I knew that I could never love you as much as I love her. And when we broke up, I knew that I would always have to settle for someone less. Happy?

Well, that was easy. Thanks, Noel. Of all the survivors of the Mystical Buess, 80% never tell anyone of all the

six to 200 pound men beat nobler by foot 98 pound women.

100% never tell anyone.

Dear Christopher, I love you too much. That's the problem. Be mine forever and I promise I'll never punch you again.

Love, Noel. God bless us, everyone.

So this, no, no, no. Love of your life. What was she like? Honey, when I told you that you were supposed to leave, okay? You don't want to have this time.

I mean, what made you love her? What did she do that? Maybe how was she doing? She didn't cry. I'll tell you that.

No, what a no-course to first. Do you think you could have left me as much as you loved her?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I never loved Noel. That was a lie. You know, if you can figure out when I'm lying, then I don't know if I can trust you.

Noel, my loving ex-girlfriend used to beat the crap out of me. We had one fight where she thought I was watching the

double-ment twins commercial to intently. Why are you looking at them like that?

She said she had a sugar imbalance. Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. Man, the will was an estrogen-molotov cocktail.

Start carrying twigs in a holster. Twigs? You are really pissing me off.

The only one I ever told was my dad. There's always one gun, your life, you can tell anything, too.

Some day I'll meet that guy. Dad, let me in. She kicked my ass again.

How? A condition in this neighborhood. What's up, you say, boy? You're drunk. Have a kick your ass.

I'm going to have to send you a butto-rehab.

You tell anybody that month can beat you up and I'll kick your ass.

So no little wasn't the love of your life? No. And she used to beat you up?

She didn't beat me. Yes. That's great. I feel so much better. Okay, okay, everyone. See, this is Grandpa Jack. Now, he remembers me. What's my name? Tommy? Yeah, see? Yep. He was in the war together.

1944. Save my life. I see you're ungrubane. Yeah.

Incoming! Yeah, okay. Okay, see you in the mess, ten.

Honey, you can always talk to me. There is no shame in that little girl beating you up. No, I'll beat you up. What? She beat you up?

Oh, oh. It was a 94 Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except the cycle bitch on the couch.

Dude, two for you, none for me. I look pleading me to my girl. Her face fury red while visions of me and the double mint twins, scansed in her head. With bile and my throat and no help in sight, I put on a smile and my sphincter got tight.

Honey, it's Christmas. You know, the root off. Red nose, boop. What kind of loser? What is this crap?

This is root off, I thought, and turned to argue my case, but I must have had a, what's your problem, bitch? Look.

She punched me in the face. I picked up her $300, the left and right shoe and out into the street. Both shoes. I then threw it.

Out the front door, she went and hot pursuit. Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a vallour jogging suit.

In fear from her life, I locked up the place, turned my attention to root off and wish to head mace.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.

I grabbed the cord pulled open the blinds and there was no ill. Quite out of her mind. My heart stopped frozen with fear while she beat on the glass door with a vodka bottle.

I feel just about to hear. I knew the window couldn't much take it and she was screaming, I'm not that you bastard. I swear I'll break it. Well, I couldn't let her do that. It was a rented place. So I opened the door and she punched me in the face. So summoning my manhood from bottom to top, I screamed like a little girl.

Oh, my God! Why didn't you just leave? Well, let's just say it was a very physical relationship.

The booty was good. Sex? Honey, no sex is good enough to keep you coming back to an abusive relationship. Oh, yes, yes.

Make it the fright? The better the booty. Okay, let's see where was I?

Oh, yeah. I'm calling the cops! I just finished dialing and she was standing right there wearing pearls in those products, but otherwise bad. She spoke not a word, but when straight to a work, reeling me in with that, you're my big daddy, Smirk. And I heard her exclaim as she turned out the lights. You know this is your fault. I love you too much to fight.

That's nothing.

Christopher, this wasn't about the sex. Oh, yes, it was unbelievable.

No, she used to do, she used to take this thing. Okay, it's upside down.

You think it was about the sex, but did she come here?

No. You have a patent on that.

Then it wasn't about the sex. Well, why else would I stay with her? Your mother is a violent manic depressive schizophrenia. Stop.

But your mom is a lot like you. No, don't say it. I don't want to hear it. You're wrong. Okay, they both have a high IQs. And they're both beautiful and charming. And they drove men crazy. And yes, my mom is a semi-violent manic depressive schizophrenia. No, well, it's nuts. But my mom, you know, is so much taller.

Oh, he takes, uh, take off with that. We do it. Um, this is Nancy. Her grandpa is on deck of 430.

Oh, no. They're there. They're better plays. Hey, she's Asian.

Honey, you don't even know why you're here. Do you? I said this is no.

Honey, you couldn't fix your mother. So you tried to fix no well. You're here to forgive no well because you always forgive your mother.

Helmo, I'm not forgiven her. Yes, you are because you've got me now. You don't need her or all that anger in your life anymore. And if you don't go in there, I'm going to put you in a face.

I'm just kidding. Wow, I tell you the scariest, most humiliating thing in my life. And you mock me. No. You tell me the scariest, most humiliating thing in your life. And I stand by you.

Oh, God.

Good. Good. Good.ucher.

Hey, no well. Surprise. Um, my girlfriend Aaron, by the way, is wonderful. And it's never been a hand on me.

So I should make my peace with you. We're just so like her. I mean, she's always helping people.

So I forgive you for being an incredibly abusive, controlling bitch who tortured me. My God. And another thing, a miserable psychotic bitch, wielding a fucking dwarf man.

She's just trying to be a good guy. You just like, you're the woman. Get me the way.

And it forgive, impure, you know, church boys. We should go.

Yeah, it is. Okay. Sorry. So we're cool. Okay. And you know what else? Aaron is like my mom too, but just a good

part. Yeah, she's smart and she's funny and she's beautiful and she's sex. All right. That is enough.

Let him finish. Yeah. And we're going to go home right now. And we're going to watch Rudolph because it's Christmas time. And she gets it. Yeah.

Can we miss a little bit of that punching guy from a box? How does that feel?

Bitch, not gonna forget little Bobby's after now. How what's Bobby down?

Great. Wait, everyone.

That is good for evil people, but who decides who's evil? No one always said that if I left her, she'd kill me. She died first. And no well. I never wanted you dead. I only wanted you gone. So wherever you are, rest in peace.

Or Merry Christmas. Whatever.

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.