Original subtitles

My parents got divorced, early and ugly.

My mom was nuts, so I lived with my dad.

We used to play father's son games.

Pin the blame on me, rock, paper,

get me another beer, you can see no night.

Seven, yeah!

That's mine!

Don't bet what you can't lose.

Don't check those dice!

You're grounded.

I would visit mom occasionally in the mental health facility.

The games would change, you know, Easter pill hunt, running a void the search light, drug the guard.

Oh, drug the guard.

Who's there? Sleepy. Sleepy, who? Sleepy guard. Sleepy guard. I don't get it.

It'll hit you later.

That was before mom started taking her own medication. Recently we had a real mother's son reunion,

and I gave her a big hug because I love her. And she could have taped a gun to her back.

Gross! Mom? I want you to have this razor sharp knife. In fact, cut this roast up with this really, really, really sharp knife.

Thank you, son.

Christopher, I've thought of you giving your mother the benefit of the death.

Oh, my god. Tommy, come on. Quit being a girl. Yeah, I want the belly of the shadow of death. Hey, babe.

It's better than skydiving. Come on. I'm so in. What a rush. Plus we get roast.

One minute.

Bring it up, food loops.

music

You had to spring her from the wacko basket.

I told you she'd come after us.

I just invited her to dinner.

What are you doing here?

Hey, I can stop by here if I want to.

That's right. You can.

Thanks for coming by. Get the hell out.

No, no, no, no.

I'm the one in your life. Not her.

She's not allowed to have a relationship with you.

She hasn't done the work.

Dad, just because you raised me all alone

and she was in the mental hospital,

you don't have to get all jealous,

because frankly, it's ugly.

What did you got to him?

I took my medication and got better.

You see, you see, that's what she does. She takes her medication for a month, then she stops and tries to kill us. She tries to kill you.

We get dinner.

You know, if you're going to get off freaky about whether or not she's going to stab you in the neck well, then you can just go home.

Oh, yeah, I'll be safe there. She won't possibly come over there tonight and try to kill me in my sleep.

Oh, I'm in no rush. Oh, I go.

David, would you get my baby potatoes out of the oven? Baby potatoes, ham roasts. Man, don't even say there's your hands.

Was there your hands? Oh, my god.

I'm sorry, I have to leave honey. Go to the kitchen and wrap that up a plate of beer.

Oh, just a phone. Hey, hey, it'll take the hounds of hell to get me to leave this house.

Can I see you in the kitchen after I get the hounds of hell?

I'm very in the kitchen.

Gravy?

Out.

More for me.

I'm Christopher, your father refuses to go. Why don't you just ask him to stay for dinner? Because that would change the entire dinner conversation from past the potatoes to my eyes. Why is call the cops? You're most a whackle. Don't think of it as two trains about to collide in a fiery ball of burning human flesh. Think of it as family night. Family night. Hmm, then we get to have funeral day.

Family night with my mother and father. Scrabble. Check. Boggled. Check. Six pack. Pepper spray. Skin. Graff from my upper arm. Check it. Check. Check.

When it wears the romance, light the damn candles. Fine.

I'll give you a little bit. Or maybe we can be really sarcastic. Oh, great idea. Let's do that. Look, your dad is acting this way because he is jealous. Well, he can be that at home. Away from us. You are always saying what it would be like if they actually got along your mother's on anti-sikotic. Your father has a heart of a 150-year-old man. You've got a chance at a good two-parent memory. Are you going to get the blood out of the couch?

The ceiling, I will be in charge of oblitering.

Oh, just to couchen the ceiling, you're so naive.

Herend doesn't understand keeping parents apart.

See, due to their rigid Catholic beliefs,

Herend's parents have steeped their hatred in 40 years of bone-chilling, blood-curdling

togetherness.

Happy anniversary, mom and dad. Make a wish.

Oh, my gosh, dad. I guess say it out loud. It doesn't come true. Idiot.

What? You want me to eat you baby potato? It's good. You're not good baby potato.

Dad? Dad? Why don't you stay for dinner? No. No, then go then. No.

You welcome baby potato. Don't you be afraid that darkness in my belly?

Sorry. Could you find any board games? Hey, here's an idea. Let's play crazy eight. Oh, gosh.

Not crazy eight. Same seven. Let's just play some drinking games because we got her ringer here.

To be sure to. Dad, stay go whatever mom, go eat. Dave, stop eating. Herend. Keep looking good.

I'm staying, gosh, he leaves. Or until you pass out. There's room enough in his life for both of you. Can't have too much love for. Oh, yes, you can. Choose. What? Me or her? Who do you want your life? I don't have to choose between you. I'm not five.

Seven, twelve, or sixteen anymore. No more kids. Get to choose where they take vacations. I got to choose parents. So I'm going to let you decide. You want to live with your mommy or with your daddy.

I'm this man. Why would I choose either of you? Dad going up with you is hell. Sense where? Age is too through now. I mean, high school is just wrapping up. I was getting my life together.

You made me quit the football team. I didn't want you to be one of those guys who 15 years after high school was still telling stories about his life. He doesn't know about this.

You made me quit because you hated coach morey because you slept with coach morey.

guilty. Can you or so mad, remember? Oh, yeah, but I got back at you by sleeping with his Greek teacher. Mrs. Barthosh.

And they say parents don't get involved with their children's schooling. What are they doing? My parents are laughing together.

Oh, like you're going to be back together again, duh. Here's them. Here's them. Ha ha ha ha. Here's me. Whatever.

Oh. Every member when he was a you had him drive you home from the liquor store. I was drove. That was the protective.

Oh my god, that's horrible. I know. Listen to father of the year. Hey, hey, at least I paid the bills when he stayed with you. He lived in a garage and slept in a steel belted radio.

Oh, hey, hey, remember the time you both forgot me at the airport? Oh, how many six years get to play all night with a drug sniff and dog? Is that what you did pick me up?

Mom and dad are really getting along. I did that.

Did this sugar pick her? I did that. That's what you burned off my hair off. This is horrible. Oh, stopies. Oh, remember the night Christopher was conceived. How can I forget your boyfriend was at the bedroom door and almost killed the moment? I got my mommy back. She likes my daddy.

Mom and dad are really loving each other and make a baby.

Yeah, I love you, need a I love you.

Tell me what you're thinking about right?

I'm loose. Oh, I forgot to tell you I invited bills.

Bill my fiance.

You're fiance. Who the hell is Bill? Hey, what's your mouth? Who the f*** is Bill? Hey, what's your mouth? Yeah. Sorry. Hey, Mom, you know when I told you not to bring anything for dinner, I specifically meant fiance. Why didn't you think you'd mind? Well, where's he gonna sit next to me? Oh, right. Like I own a chair factory.

Whoa, it's Bill Tricksler. I see people.

How was going on? Why didn't you open the door? Wait, wait, wait.

Mine.

See? Not in the food. Dave, lick the roast. Where had he brother?

No more lick-y.

Hello? You have a beautiful porch. Oh, can't tie this, beer? No thanks. Why need to just tell me all about you? Make her do it under oath. Like I've never lied under oath. Hi, honey. Hey, hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. We don't do that here.

Every time my parents get together, something comes between him. A friend, the coworker, a fuselage.

I need a nap. Hey, Bill. Come on in, man. We're just sitting down eating right here at the table.

Where my mom drugged us the night she tried to kill my father with a broken bottle. She's crazy. What? And look back here, the bedroom where she slept with my father the night she tried to kill himself.

I beg your pardon. And look at this beautiful carving knife, yeah. Mom actually attacked at with it, 87.

You're next, get out, get out. Are you singing? Isn't he funny?

Skinner Kitchen. Only bones to it.

I had suck her sharp man cold roast deal. It's like a razor. Okay.

What the hell are you doing? Your mom finally met someone she's happy with and you're spruing it up. Me? Bill. Why are you scaring him off? Well, did you see what was going on between mom and dad before he got here? Uh, yes. They were laughing about burning off your hair, cheating on each other and scarring you for life. I know they're still in love. They need to get a room.

Still in love. Oh my God, your mother tried to you again. Am I trying to?

What the hell is going on? Your brothers liked all the breadsticks.

Dad, tell Aaron, tell you you still love mom and you want to get back together with him.

He's giggling like a schoolboy. Look at that. So I'm a 30 year old man who wants to see his parents back together again. You got a problem with that? I also want a pony. And not a kid pony. And a adult pony with a cool saddle. And cup holders. That's right. Pony cup holders.

Listen to this, Nina. I beat you some things. We might actually get back together again. Oh, Christopher. That's so sweet and delusional. Maybe you need one of my pills. Okay, mom. Tonight all you want. But what is this? Electricity between you. That ship has sales. Say it. It was captured by pirates set on fire and crashed on the rocks.

And then on the last 12 times you guys broke up. You did get back together again.

What? Well, I'm sure with you Billy, it'll be different because you'll keep her happy and bed. You better. This woman is a nimpho.

No, I beat her mom. I beat her mom. The story is not Mr. Titus used to tell me. No, no, no, no.

I beat when I was younger, you know how I used to fantasize about her? No, no, no.

I used to take 40 minute showers. Oh, my bro.

Bounce ship. We should play, bounce ship. I have the one at home. I'm going to go get it.

Well, mom, dad, you know, could it be any clearer? Christopher, honey, your father and I will never get back together again.

I have Bill now. Well, somebody doesn't get...

Damn! Dad, back. Come on, Christopher, you're embarrassing me. You're embarrassing your mother and you're acting like a fool.

He's a fool because he loves his parents. It's available to fight against him possible odds. And some ways, he's a hero.

Shut up, Bill. What? I may be speaking out of term, but everyone wants to believe that the love between their mother and father is pure.

And eternal. Thank you. Somebody gets me. He gets you because you're both speaking wassee.

Interesting that you would choose that word wassee. Interesting.

Go on. He's a wassee because he'd like to find a little loving his life. Thank you. Somebody gets me.

Not if that makes him a wassee. From what when he does told me your father's undercompensated for her absence by manipulating and belittling you all of your life. It's like you were there.

If I ever manipulate it and be little my kid, it's because he deserved it. Here here.

Hi. I challenge you to be willing to create the family that you imagine. I could be your family too. Families don't have to be biological.

Sounds like some dime-store shrink. Stand for it, actually. Don't tell me, you actually are shrink.

He's my shrink. That's how we met. Whoa. You're my mother's therapist. He's a little more than that.

I'm going to Stanford.

The reason therapist go to school is to figure out their own crap. Now, I don't want to slander the entire psychiatric community. You got owning money sucking humps.

Oh, that might have been slander.

You're probably with your boys with the way you've raised them. I'd say they're going to need years of therapy.

I can't afford that. You keep them. Sorry, times out. Mr. Tideaus. Dad.

This is great. I think Mom and Dad can never get back together again. Turns out you're a scumbag. What kind of therapist sleeps with his patient? Actually, it's quite common in er anarotics cinema. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't get mad at Bill. He didn't seduce me. I seduce him? Oh, I have seen that so many times. We have a wonder if you're going to be a scumbag.

He listens to me. You pay him, too. And she's all better now thanks to me. Thanks to you laying cable with a metal patient.

Are you am I missing something here? No, Papa preach.

Honestly, I can assure you I've had many, many intimate relationships with patients in the past.

And it's never been a problem. You're in no position to be judging anyone. But what position do you like, Emily? You're the strength with the fold-out couch. Yeah, that's where we go. We go. We go. Well, need a... You've really got a winner here. Stanford PhD. What's it say on your diploma? Permission to bone the loonies? What's going on in your life that you need to lash out at me? What is this therapy? Or four people? What's the best way to do it? I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a scumbag. I'm a sc

scumbag. Look at me! I'm all dropped up and insane, Billy, and totally unaware of the therapist without pants.

You're a man, you're a control issue. Why haven't you jumped my right-out bone, Jett Billy? Do you think he's picking?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Dad?

Oh, and he's...

Hey, you see that? Underneath every therapist is a guy who wants to punch in the gut and sleep with your mother.

Your negativity created that. Your ass is showing. You go to him, can. Get a hell out of my house.

Juanita, I think I should go.

Thanks for coming, Bill, and punching my dad. I mean, I'd ask you to stay for dessert, but I know my dad. He's going to make you punch him again.

Goodbye. Mom, dad, let's eat. No, Christopher, honey. I am not staying here without Bill. What?

Your father drove him to do that. He should go. Mom, you're not giving me a choice.

Now I'm this many. 30? Well, I think you should go. Fine. Let's go, Bill.

I hope I've been helpful in some way. Yeah.

Christopher? I'm sorry. Yeah, Mom. I'm sorry. I know. Good bye, Kenneth. Good night, Juanita. I told you he'd choose me. What?

My parents got divorced because that's the way it's supposed to be and they're never going to get back together again.

Let's get rid of Bill. You're so smart. Come here. Come on, Titus. Oh, all right, Titus.

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.