Original subtitles

Everybody has hope for the perfect love.

Normal people are raised to believe

that there is someone out there who is your soul mate,

your best friend, your lover.

But, Adam, you always told me that when you find that person,

you got a nailer.

I'll unlock the shuttlecock around.

I'll join me in a three-legged race.

I want to go Bob for her.

Let's just have sex.

Bitch.

How do you attract the women you love? In the wild, the peacock spreads its beautiful, colorful plumage to attract his mate.

In Washington, DC, John Hinkley, Jr. tried to kill a president to attract his. The lesson is, there's no one way.

Oh my god, there's Carol. Oh, you should introduce yourself. You're right.

Carol!

A man will do anything for the right woman. When that woman destroys him,

a man will become a hunk of meat with the common sense of a rodeo clown.

She's back. She's back in town. Oh my god.

Carol's back! Is that again? Please make it stop.

I saw her come to Birking Lotho. Oh, he told me, come down. All right. You dated it for three months, ten years ago.

You're right, Titus. Hey, did I happen to mention to you that Carol's bugging down? I heard you! Back to you!

Carol, Carol, Carol, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, okay, okay. Here's what you do, right?

You give her a fish with a note on it that says, life stinks without you.

You'd be stuffed it full of chick stuff, like little soaps, right? But eroticly shaped and soaps.

Oh, otherwise she might think it's a lesbian friend's fish. Get away from him. Fish is work. Fish works, is it? The fish is the work of the cock! Carol, Carol, Carol. All right. Just be calm, be cool. Just go talk to her. I can't say because you're like a big deal. Just go bump up.

And do her men. You run into her and you make it look like an accident. You're right. Oh, you're absolutely right.

You ramed a car. Well, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Say it again. I ramed her car. Oh my god.

That sounds horrible. Why did you tell me to do that? I didn't, man. I told you to bump into her.

I care for a funny scene you hear. That way, my Carol, I'm not saying,

You're so smart to come the out of your life like a cancer. No.

You said making look like an accident.

Not a core accident? Who are you, Dave?

Yeah, dumbass.

What about all the crazy stuff you did to get Aaron?

You know you with the right one when you act like a psychopath?

Yes! I found it early on that the right combination of passions, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer can make a woman love you.

And if she doesn't, I think he won't remember because you're hammered.

I do make it to the pool and see the mind.

Dude, do you think you can make that?

Two more beers.

Nice man.

Listen, Titus, it's okay. Because I left a note on her car saying that I was sorry and that my body shop would fix it for free.

Your body shop? I leave notes like that all the time.

It's great when you're on your own business, isn't it? It's not your business, Dave.

Or right. And like I don't have a line of credit that has your name on it all right.

Oh, and you're no longer allowed to see world.

Oh, Mark, do I hear metal braping on cement? Tommy Tommy Tommy,

Carol, Carol. Oh my god.

What are you doing? I can't violate the restraining order.

What was a long time ago when it was a total misunderstanding? I was naked.

Naked? I was naked. I was naked and she wasn't naked and she thought my naked meant something he didn't mean.

Well, how come I never heard about this? Oh, there was a judge and a whole gag order thing. It was very fast.

We all have that one person that is directly connected to your adrenal glands. The one that destroys your chemical balance.

The one that blocks that signal to your brain that says, don't take off your pants!

Tommy? What? I thought we were... We didn't... Didn't... Didn't you want to? What is that mean? Wasn't this...

We're not... We're not... Oh, God. We're not. I'm so sorry. Oh, in this! I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry, don't be kind of happy.

Are you Christopher Titus? Yeah. You have got to be the nicest person in the world. The worst driver, but the nicest person. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for leaving a note, Christopher Titus. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, that's a signature with my name in it. Look at all this damage. How did you do this, Titus? In a parking lot. Well, David, I just... I... I was like shopping cart just flew in at a nowhere and then I swirved around it and I hit her here and... And here... And here... And here...

Uh-huh. And this? Well, I seem to have lost all ability to control a vehicle.

And you excuse me for one minute. Well, I really messed up your cart.

No! Relax! No one was hurt, is this just a car? You can fix the car?

Oh, I really, really hate myself for two and a half minutes. You know stupid.

Oh, my, sorry.

So how have you been? Good. Good. Why?

You don't remember me doing? No.

Uh, high school. I had really long hair and some anger problems.

But it's nice you cut your hair.

My life, I have found that my hair... That's never been the problem.

Hey, what's up, Bernie? Ernie. Ernie. Ernie. So you're doing, remember? No. Friends would talk me, shafter. Oh, God. Yes, oh, God.

You know, I still friends with them, are you? No, not any most.

Oh, my, the great guy, though. Oh, wealthy, internet, something. Yeah. And a more husbandry.

Good. Dot, move. Great guy. After we split up, he broke into my backyard and shaved his name into my dog.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Tell me. You knew that.

Just, just my initials. Hey, Carol.

What are you? You look good in that skirt.

Carol, you're not obsessed with you anymore. I just want to talk. Please.

Don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

People think we're trying to kill you.

Thanks! No way what do we, we, we we...

We have a hostage.

Now what? Tateus, we're not going to kill her.

All right.

Hi, honey.

So I'm drawing on the overhead projector

and explaining up proposal to the three most powerful people in my company.

And my assistant runs in and says, in full voice.

Your boyfriend called.

He's holding a hostage at his car shop.

You should go now.

I swear that I'm a lesbian.

And excuse myself to the ladies room. I've been paying for 40 minutes.

Aw, and look. You do have a hostage. Yeah.

What do you think we should do? Well, honey. Let's see. You could gather food, barricade yourself in,

and fight it out with the FBI or you could open the door.

It's not that easy. Oh, Christopher. Is that Carol Weber from high school? Christopher? Tommy rammed her car and Dave, they was going to give her fish. And then she screamed loud. What is that about? And she even locked herself in. Oh, man. She's not dead. Still looks good. Almost angelic. Terrified little angel.

I'm the window. Choo. Choo.

Hey, you. How many times has Erin saved my ass?

I was 60, 70. I took two. I have a lot.

Even when she wasn't mine, even when she was dating the drummer from Night Ranger.

It's moody.

What a true, prasful flower.

Hey, honey. Drop the cake in the plastic pan.

Strapper. Thanks. Hey.

Motorate. Much of dyes should go for that.

Hey, Carol. That's in use in high school. Please don't kill me.

It looks better. That freak rammed my car and forged that other freak's name.

Lord me into this dungeon where the red air freak just keeps staring at me.

Carol. I know it looks bad from where you are, but you went to high school with these guys. They're harmless. Very dumb.

But it's harmless. They cut the phone lines.

Oh, God. They did not cut the phone.

Tommy, get out of here. I can protect you from Carol, Matt Erin.

No, I can't let this happen again. Carol's afraid of me. I need to explain to her that I would never heard her.

And maybe reopen her heart. Tommy, you're not going to cut out that girl's heart.

Tommy, go. All right. She's not coming out of the office while you are standing here.

You're not just leaving me alone. You six foot two interfering nosy pants.

Let's not say anything. We can't take back. But then I hate you.

Yes, Tommy. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Both of you. Look what she's turned us into.

Being someone's friend is an awesome responsibility. You have to make sure you're right there to give them the best advice possible.

Or just throw something out there. Make me talk as a friend about his daddy.

I got my own life with my own problems.

What? Carol. All right, Matt. I have sick of this. Quit being a wistier. You got to make a move. She just wants what all chicks want. Man, you know, you just got a very stuck-through work. Do you want to go? This is so necessary. Stop it. I just want to talk to her. Shut up. Nobody calls me a nosy pants.

Hey, he can't hurt you now. He's totally impotent.

Leave her like that forever, Ray. Yes.

See, Carol? Nothing to be afraid of.

Free to go? You psychos? Go on a prison. You, you and you, prison!

Well, this could sound a hand fast. Yeah. That's what it is. I'm a lesbian. She. I can't let you go, and see how innocent the solace. Open that door. No! You know, in women's prison, they forced you to cut your hair that way. Okay. Let's see, Carol. I know you're upset. So I'm not going to say anything about the way you're dressed. Fresno.

Jeff, I'm going to look. I am on your side. Okay? Not about the hair thing. I love the hair. This has just been a misunderstanding. Look, you're safe. There's no danger of no anger. No cops. These are completely hopeless. Watch.

You can do it. I don't want to do it.

I turn. Don't.

Okay, let me go. I'm going to drive this car through that door. No way. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Come on. This is the great guy here. This is a great guy. I'm looking at him. He's got some. You know, hair. And the disguise. How do you know he's not the one? What do you do, Ian? Trying to stay out of jail, join me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohksamor's right. Christmas right, he's such a great guy.

He's got a hair. It's getting. See, I am not the only one who noticed. Hey, you've been a turn your eyes away. You're my girl.

Oh, my girl, lucky. He's duct-taked.

Are you all crazy? Well, are you seeing anybody? You are all crazy. Here's single.

Carol! You have not. Tommy could be the man of your dreams, you know? And you're going to walk away from that or prosecute.

And when you've got the winning lottery numbers, you're just going to go rip rip rip. Well, I don't want the perfect life. I have a perfect life. Here's why. You're not in it, okay? Not if you guys have changed a bit since high school. Oh, yes, we have. That's the point. It can't remember in high school. I used to be in hell. And remember he used to be a...

Oh, look at us! You could be us! Hey, I wasn't up. I did some cool outrageous stuff to win you. Oh, honey, no, no, you didn't.

No, no!

I can never get tired of this.

Girl, maybe hot for you, but if you're walking around with a bloodout, the whole content of 0.25, she's going to date the drummer from Night Ranger until you work that out.

Oh, God, are you all right? I hope that you and I can be married someday.

Oh, no! The captain, do you want to do it tonight? Did you make crazy? Huh? The guy who when he walks in the room and sees you, he just goes,

Oh, I mean, isn't that what Chitch-Want? Because if it's not well, then we have wasted a lot of duct tape.

Can't tell me to not go to the... Hey, hey, hey, hey. He tried to rape me.

Oh, what? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Tommy, it doesn't even own a van.

Tommy, did you try to rape her? What?

During the Trojan War, the Greeks saw themselves as chivalrous protectors of one of their women. The Trojan saw themselves as protectors of love between Helen and Paris. Of course, then again, nobody sees themselves as a rapist. I'm so uncomfortable. I bring a chance! I'm very myself to you. He's still my house! I can sell your plough. My wife, my friend! You're breaking up with me? I know!

He's still my bear! Oh, you're a psycho! What did you do to him? Excuse me, Mr. Bride, no, you're not blaming the victim here.

No, no, no, I'm not blaming Tommy. I... Tommy is not the victim! He was in her house!

Naked! She slept with him for three months and then have the guts to break up with him and then you invite him over to your house?

I was looking for the right time to tell him. Well, how about at the front door when he's still had his clothes on?

How about before the 14 dozen roses? They repossessed my car.

You owe him a car! No, means no.

Yeah, no, does mean no, but you know what? You actually have to say no.

Err. You have to break up with him.

I thought he would get the hint on the other boyfriends did when I just ignored him?

Okay, now you pissing me off.

All right, that's it, that's it. You have to tell him that you never want to see him again.

Wasn't there restraining order enough? Not where I'm from. You owe him the courtesy of telling him that he makes you sick.

Fine. Tommy, I just want you to know that it wasn't you. It was me. Oh, no, I know what! I go him! It was him! It was him!

Listen, I thought we could be friends. You could have seen where it went from there.

So many people are having a man. Be a woman about it and tell him.

Carol, don't let them make you do something you don't want to do.

Tommy, you make me really sick!

You love me so much as smothered me. No one waits outside of a guy in a college office with flowers in a card.

What is the card say? D. Don't we have our bread and going out with you and I've been living the fact that you were the first person I ever slept with. Okay, that's good. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're right. You're right. I have one to smash your face for ten years. No! Okay, that sounds good. That's the stop! Yeah, that's the stop! Get the hell out of here! No! No, no, no! No, no! No, no! No, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, no! BAD! PURZAD!

I'm going to come by tomorrow and pick up my car.

Well, maybe I'm not going to fix your car.

Maybe you'll get a coffee and a chest opening.

Well, then I'll fix your car.

Tidus? What?

She's still never broke up with me.

And she's coming back tomorrow.

I didn't hear crash.

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. And the truth hurts, but it's better than lies.

You hear that, Noel? Huh? I'm with Erin now. Oh, yeah. And she's great. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. You know why? Because she listens to me.

She doesn't go to the restaurant where she works and sleeps with a janitor because she says, oh, he's an artist. Yeah. And she knows a good band too. Motor in! What's your price? Fuck!

Fly!

It's it. It's it. It's it. It's it. It's it. It's it. It's it. Good, that. Fresno!

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.