Original subtitles

How far would you go for someone you love?

I heard this story about this woman

who actually lifted a car off of her baby.

Of course, I would have said, dude, back up.

But wasn't my kid.

When I was born, I didn't know

all this stuff my dad was gonna do for me

and I crawled right back in.

See the head?

He's beautiful.

You're two days late.

He's late.

So what do you repay a harness father's tough love? Well, I'd like to start by punching him in the throat.

But my girlfriend won't let me because she's all nice and sweet and said she wouldn't bring me cake and jail.

No, I'm not gonna fix it. Honey, he's your dad. He gave you life, just fix it.

All right, but I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for you.

What works? I did that for me. What would you do for the man who gave you life, huh? When he gets old, would you bathe them, clean his messes, exfoliate his scaly bald head? Hell no.

But I'm in for a pint of blood. Well, he's my dad.

Sound off if you've ever had one of these. Make sure I hear you.

Hey, Jerry, epilepsy heart, man, my bowel disease, typhoid malaria,

Rosariva, fever, yellow jaunness. You forgot Gurchmas that I was the shanker syndrome.

Can we just give blood?

Hey, hospital, I'm standing here breathing in little floating flex of old dead people.

Who could it stoned you?

Trist of our police just come down. We have to bank blood for your dad. What if he has another heart attack?

Yeah, my blood doesn't have nicotine or alcohol in it. It's probably killing him.

And where is Dave? I don't know. He said he was ready to donate and then he just took off.

Pamplets.

Okay. In the past 12 months, how many sexual partners have you had? One, two.

Two. Oh, well, if you want to count the waitress, I slept with because you broke up with me.

Oh, I do. Well, I get a count to convenience store clerk that you slept with because you broke up with me.

Are you done or do I need to get my calculator?

Look, when a couple is fighting, there are a few warm caring places they can turn. I mean, self-help books, the clergy or a warm caring groin of a stranger.

Randy.

Twenty. Swirpy, jerk and pig. Coffee, we fell in a hole. Yeah, let me do it.

What the fuck? How about that pet? I love you. I do an ex-child. I love you too, baby.

Old fight. In the past. Yes, you were.

Your father must have had a feel day with this.

Oh, Kathy. Since you were dead, I'm engaged now. Three, but you know, start doing stuff together. You know, like keeping things from dead. Yeah. So you don't want me to tell you father that she's a troll-up in your manslaughter. I feel closer already. Sign these. Troll-up? Well, you did sleep with him. Yeah, well, you slept with her. Yeah, because of you. You did. Oh, you did. I'm not doing that. Me either. I'm not doing that.

I knew. Hold up, Sonicators. Did you use protection?

You didn't use anything? Well, honey, come on. I love you so much that I don't carry condoms anymore.

Oh, God. New fight.

Titus, you didn't wear a condom. Yeah.

To me, please. This is between me and my manslaughter.

Hey, hey, we are here to bleed for dead and you two are taking the fun right out of that. Here's your sperm and the wheelbarrows in the tree.

You have to wear a condom. That would defeat the purplish.

You know, this right here is not about who stuck their what into who were wearing a thingy. Okay?

We're near the back some blood. Get a sugarcooked and get the hell out. I didn't get a cookie. Aaron wouldn't be that irresponsible. That's right. I was totally protected. Randy was my ex-boyfriend.

Hold up. I didn't hear the word condom in that sense. He has been solid-bitch since we broke up. We didn't need one.

Hold fight. Better wet. Aaron, I've been just as upset as you are. I've been

celibate for two years because well, I can't seem to get over you.

Huh?

I'm gonna start. Maybe if I get into a community college, I could be a welder.

Now you're the bastard. You know, I can forgive you for cheating, but what if you had got pregnant with little convenience store clerk Jr.? I'm on the pill. Was Tiffany? Daddy?

Aren't you all?

Fire it all! I need to see your boss. We have a cookie issue. Okay, guys, come on. Stop fighting.

Okay, it's over and it doesn't matter. You both discussed me, but it doesn't matter. Tommy, it's right. Why are you

starting this fight all over again? I don't know, I hate this fight. I'll do anything not to have this fight.

That's why I'm proposed to you on the first place.

Oh. Oh. I mean, I'm ery you. I want to marry you. I love you. Will you marry me?

You're he asked me. I said yes. Oh, and look, still no ring.

There are certain things women never forgets. Her mother's birthday, her ideal weight, and when you propose to her,

forget to buy our rings. Like a dog with a bone. Fine, let's get a ring then.

Fine, let's get a ring then.

Fine, let's get a ring then.

Fine, let's get a ring then.

No, no, no, no, no. If you wanted to get me a ring, you would have done it six months ago.

I don't need a ring. Okay成, what do you need is an HIV test?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, no.

and slept with everybody Tiffany slept with.

That means I slept with everybody.

Tommy, did you sleep with Tiffany?

Oh, mock me.

See, didn't sleep with Tommy?

Hey, excuse me.

Did you sleep with a girl named Tiffany from the diner?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, I slept with that guy.

You need an HIV test.

No, no, no.

Come on, six months.

You're the two-year-soluble. It's waitress. Young fresh nothing. Come on.

The Nile is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over-met. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

You and her both don't think about it. And you know what? It works. Watch.

Oh, he...

Oh!

Is it really bad? Hey, don't think about it.

I lost a bell on the hand grip. Don't think about it.

We can't allow you to get it yet.

I don't need you. Nope. Not going to test it. What? It's wrong with you. What if getting tested causes the disease, huh? What? It's like that cat scan thing, okay? Everybody who's brain cancer has a cat scan. Maybe the cat scans caused the brain cancer. And think about that. Are you that scared? Hey, hey, hey, this is not fear. If I have it, I don't want to know. That's called courage.

That's what the boys on Ewo Jima call it. Well, it sounds like stupidity. What? What? What? Nothing. See? That's fear.

That's pitiful. I'm okay with that. If you don't care enough about us to take the test, then why should I?

Because you're the girl. You're not any more responsible than your father. And this time, it could get me killed.

You and I didn't even realize we didn't even find it. You can't make it. You mean, kid?

Since 1981, 16 million people got them.

But in the risk group, six to two blonde guys, one hot, red, shops, and had a one night stand where the waitress he didn't know.

The odds of me getting it to be like peace trucked by lightning. Well, being eaten by a shark. You know, mall.

See? Miss me.

Shard!

Stay wake up. Come on, I'm not a machine.

We have to get our blood testing. What? Something wrong with my sperm?

I'm sure of it. Damn, ginkl, but loba. Let's do it.

I want to go first. I also had to be checked for TB, hepatitis B, C, and non-C, and young adult diabetes.

Well, I'm here. Tom is a hypocondriac. In fourth grade, he traded his lunch with another kid so we could get in the vaccination line twice.

Feel this. I think it's a lump. It's your nipple. Just turn up the heat.

Let's make a war! Hey, hey, hey, hey. They are my test results, people. This is an oddly violent hospital.

Calm down. I've been calm for three hours.

Shafters! Shafters!

Scum all! It's Patrick! It's Patrick! Stop it! Sorry!

Negative. Oh, thank God.

Me too. Yes, or negative, huh? Negative, dear.

Uh-huh. Ooh, and your face.

And your face. Sweet, sweet.

Negative, Joan, baby.

Yeah. Hey. Hi, baby.

As soon as I'm naked, man, you know what it means to me some hot, so good. Come back. Get yourself out of the way.

Hey. Hey. Hey, you're bad. Hey, you're still.

Okay, do me do me. The envelope, please, and the winner is...

We need to retest you.

There's no lightning. There's no lightning. Don't think about it. There's no lightning. There's no lightning.

There's no lightning. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Oh, they're just sitting back there. So who gets to tell the blonde guy he's a dead man? Okay. You know, let's just say that you have it. Don't say that. Well, it's not a death sentence. Don't say that either. These days with the new drugs, and you could live for a year. Honey, honey, honey, honey. What are you doing? We told you he's a good person. It's just a test. What do you mean quiet? It comes back positive. He has to be prepared. Honey, honey, honey, honey. Honey, honey, honey. Honey, honey, honey. Honey, honey, honey.

Has it more on your neck always been mischaping in purple?

Yeah, hey, what?

Thank you. Honey, just relax. You don't have it. You're fine. You're fine.

Fine. Okay, you're right. Sure. I don't have it. This is stupid. I am freaking out for no reason. There's no way I happen.

I am just gonna... Not think about it.

I heard you got the AIDS.

Thanks, Leading.

You told him we were getting tested? I'm dating him. He would have gotten an out of me eventually.

My dad thrives on fear. You know that bedtime prayer, if I should die before I wake, I had sheets that said that.

And afraid is the dark. Don't be a wussy. There's no reason to be afraid.

You know it.

Yeah!

See? No monster? No, I'm afraid of you.

Well, that's healthy.

If they said I didn't tell him you cheated on each other.

Oh, no way. I did. Just now.

She did? So Tommy, you're finally turned him.

I'm not gay! Nice purse. That's it. I am out of here. You know, a man who's been married five times questioning my manhood. And the two of you just sleeping around on each other. You people make me sick. I need a shower. Maybe it'll be filled with naked men. Oh, right! So boy, we had the cheating talk and we had the rubber talk. When you cheat, you wear a rubber. He never listens.

Don't know father spends years teaching his son about the rigors of manhood. My dad gave me a 32nd lesson in a truck stop on the way to Vegas.

You can't. Can I have some candy?

Oh, this is not a candy machine. All right, I guess it's time we had the talk. This one is rimmed for her pleasure. The first time made me, but after that, don't waste the extra quarter. Now that you're mad, let's go get a burger.

Did you come here just to hassle us?

No, I came from my heart medication. I came here half an hour early just to hassle you. Dad, you know what? I don't need this right now. Christopher, Christopher, I just want you to know if you do have it. When she bails, you can live with me. Well, thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Wait, I am not going to bail. Aaron, Aaron, you are a terrific person on the surface, but deep down you're a woman. And women, lead.

Have a good one. You're such a crank. I do not believe you're father. Deep down, he's an a woman. Okay. Okay. We both know that I would take care of you. Absolutely. I would do anything for you. So what I? There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. And if one of us has to have it, I'd rather it be me.

Thank you. Thank you. And a lot. Christopher, you know what this is? This is kind of like, I love you thing. I say I love you. You say I love you back. I would die for you. I love you.

And a lot. Dive for her? That's really a question for when you've been married 50 years in your 80, you know?

Sitting on the porch together, rocking, and you realize you can only afford medication from one year.

Dive for you? I'd like to want to. What the hell have we been doing the last two years?

Two years? Christopher, Titus? Christopher. The doctor wants to see you.

I never leave you. I'd love you. Let's go.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah, it is. Gotcha! I love my work. What? Thanks for the assistant, kitty cat. Where's the doctor?

Oh, there's no doctor, idiot. You're negative. You sent this up? No, no cat said it up. I don't know.

I'm just a closer. So I'm fine? Of course you are. Yes, legative. I am so afraid of you. That's healthy.

Do you have any other speed besides Satan? What's the... He never misses. It's not enough just to tell him to cheat responsibly.

You're son! Practically drugged me here and forced all of us to donate blood. So when you're small, there'll dark little heart stops you won't die.

Is that true, boy?

Yeah? Whatever.

I just want to make sure that he's ready for when you leave. The only reason I would think about leaving is because he has you for a father.

See, I told you she'd leave. Hey. She's not going anywhere. And that pisses you off because you've never had a woman like that. You've never had a woman you loved enough to die for.

You die for me. Give me a second.

Say what you do, whatever you want to me, but you bad enough her one more time! You're gonna need all those bags of blood we've banked.

She's like, not it was only a joke. Come on, kitty cat, let's give out of here. It's something we'll see has got feelings.

Can I talk now? I'm sorry. What? I just want to check something.

I die for you. And I would die for you. Huh? I heard you. I'm gonna go right now and get you that ring you want. Huh? Don't tell me to price me! Please!

Hi, guys! Hi! Who's this?

Aaron! My girlfriend! Who's this?

This is a Tiffany. Who's this? Don't worry, you're not the daddy. Yes, in your face! I mean, congratulations! Hey! He's gonna surprise me with the ring!

So, he's not that good in that anyway. Hey! Hey!

You go for someone you love. When my grandkids ask me how I pledge my love to their grandma, I'll say,

I told her I would die for her. After I found out I didn't have an incredible disease. Then, I ran away

Well, Grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman

that Grandpa slept with.

You never know when you're making a memory.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC

I'm the funny one.

No, I'm the funny one.

I'm the funny one.

OK.