Original subtitles

I gave my father a heart attack.

It was a practical joke!

Come on, you push her!

Guys, face in a cake.

He's got a cleanest face.

He hit a guy with a watered balloon.

He's got a dry off.

You guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved.

He scratches and bleeds for a week.

It's funny.

He's not supposed to have a heart attack.

It kills the joke.

Where?

Oh my God, we just got the nurse to shave his sack.

It's a classic. It's no reason to get mad and have a heart attack.

Who got?

What did we do?

We?

My dad has all I've ever had.

When I was three and four, my mom used to take me to bars with her.

I understand why.

Baby said her cost I could beer beer in a half an hour.

I mean, run up to the bar and get mommy some more.

Mommy, James. James, one need a. This is not place for a kid. Sam, give me one to go. Keep this down low. I'm driving. Happy Mother's Day, one need a.

Love, love, love. In a heinous world, we're bad things happen. You need to be protected by someone bad and heinous. I call him daddy.

But I'm daddy.

Dad's finally Reddit and talk to you. Really? Think God. – No way.

Okay, no.

Dad. I know I almost killed you,

and I've been thinking about it all week. I'm worthless. You think you're disappointed in me

I can't believe me.

And I know what you're gonna say.

I wish you were still in my lines.

I wish you'd never grown in your mother's womb.

You should have been fetal research.

You're dead to me.

Dead.

Clear?

I hear a voice. Could that be my deceased brother? I feel a presence. Open the door right now.

Titus, if you're still with us, give me a sign.

Would pushing your nose bone into your brain be considered a sign?

Ooh, you're fading. I'm losing you.

You want to miss you? Say hi to Hendrix.

Can't I'm a slewable?

Oh, happy, happy cane.

We have a back door idiot. Think. We still have a back door idiot. Think. Where's Dad? Dad? Give me your keys. Get the hell out of my house. Dad, come on. I clean the gutters. I detailed your car. I'm making payments on your bar tab.

I even hired you a private nurse. I wish you wouldn't have needed if you hadn't tried to kill him. Good one, favorite son.

Thank you, favorite father. Well, is he aware that you were party to the shaving of the favorite testicles?

Why can't he just be more like me, huh?

Come on, Dad. It was just a joke.

Ah-ha, Jesus was laughing when I went into the light. He was laughing because you were trying to get into heaven.

I don't like fighting with my dad because I love him and he always wins. Your son's been suspended for three days. He was punching a kid repeatedly in the stomach.

I'll take care of him. Thank you. Punching a kid in the stomach? What did I always tell you? Go for the eyes.

I know. Let's get an eyes out of it. We've got three days to work on the eagle claw.

Ooh, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Daddy. I love you. I love you too, slugger. Get out. Make me. Oh, I'll make you. Oh, yeah.

The student has now become the master. Come on. Come on. Ow. What are you doing to my heart patients? He started it. And I'm finishing it. If I let go of you, give. I'll leave my heart patient alone. Deal? And you were not to speak to him anymore. I could have taken him. Are you talking? Hmm? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week. Whoa. Oh.

I'm not a good murderer. And I would have played it down to Man's side. You don't even know the law, Lee.

It's against the law to kill your father. Me, to the, to the, to him. The cigarette. For 30 years. I had a goldfish that died a second-hand smoke.

30 years. Isn't that how long you've been around? Oh, good one.

The damage I have caused to my father's health can no longer be described in words. Instead, I choose interpretive dance.

I am cancer. I am second-hand smoke. I am a damage loan. I am a fatty deposit in a pulmonary artery.

I am Christopher. The son from which all disease spraying. Say if you want, but he's not talking to you.

Five. What? Five.

Five. Five. I'm dead, you. Who cares? I'm in dead inside my whole life, because of you. I'm having dreams that I was dead to you. So I can go into the world free of all the emotional baggage that you brought into my life. O, man!

Oh, come on.

Oh, get it.

Oh, my God. You're in the house.

Oh, you got back in his good grace.

Yay, see. Everyone's here. Everyone's happy.

No one's talking, but me.

What's wrong? It seems I was conceived.

Amen.

Shut up. Get out.

How can I help him? Just calm down. I can help my bloods and food. Mr. Titus, I have your meals on wheels. The meal, Vag heels. Would you bring me fruit? No, no, too much sugar and fruit. No, I'm calling you a fruit.

Screwed up people's settle fights with violence. That can escalate to a war that kills millions.

Normal people's settle fights with cookies, pies, and cakes.

Normal people are fat.

Shut up, guys. Dave, Christopher. Come on. Let's talk about it. I've got cookies. He's got cookies.

Oh, go get it.

I'm on the fried chicken. And I'll be for I give this to you. I want you to forgive Christopher.

Huh? Bon appetit. You know, I didn't want to have to do this. Mr. Titus. My son came home just the other.

So much like a man I just had to say, son, I'm proud of you. Could you sit for a while? Get the hell up.

Oh, oh. That did it. You can't eat that. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you don't spit it out. Spit it.

Oh, no. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Ha. Ha. You're reading this. Oh, come on.

I've got to have something with some flavor. All righty.

I'll smear garlic butter on the roof of your coffin. It's with marshmallow and the jello.

Jell-o!

Oh, my!

Oh, my!

Oh, my!

Eat a prune!

All right, hate prune!

Eat it!

It'll loosen your stool.

Hey, Dad.

I can end this health for you, because I hired that.

All you gotta say is, I love you, son.

And I forgive you, and I'll make sure your swimming

and be your battered, fried beer with a cheese

chaser back.

I'll never do that! Come on, Dad. Mom's trying to kill you way more times than I have.

All right. You know, you taught me everything I needed to know to be a man, but how come you always feel like a little kid?

I am sorry for all the crap and pain I have caused you. I just want to be your son again.

That was quite a speech. Damn. And me with my Academy Award and my other uniform.

You're still dead. I'm none of his friends ever told me it's such an odd-shaped head.

Life's a savor little bear. Dad says I'm dead to him. So it's got worse. Oh, oh. Did I tell you it was going to get worse? I guess so.

You can fix it. You can. And are you finally ready for me to fix it? Yes, I'm ready. All right, sweetie. All right. Thank you, honey. What did you do to your hair?

It looks good. Since we've been together, Erin is like the secret weapon that I use against Dad. Let me put it to you like this. She's like the secret weapon.

That I use against Dad. There's Kathy. Erin, no visitors. Hag blonde. Natural.

Hey, don't start with me. I am not changing my mind about this. You're here, looks great.

He tried to kill me. Whatever you have to do to forgive him, do it now. All right. Painting.

Yes, I know. Christopher, come here.

Yes, father.

You're forgiven. I'm alive. All right. Welcome back. Oh, oh. Quick being a wussy. Wussy. You can hang it around Dad too long. No, you've been around him too long. You agitated him. I let him punch me in the face. I'm his safe place. You pissed him off all your life. I'm

You ruined his TR3 when you were 17.

She burned down his boat when you were 12.

You blew up the garage when you were nine.

I was 11.

And how do you know all this?

Your father's very chaddy after sex.

After sex, you have been sexing my father ahead and he's chaddy after sex.

Sometimes during.

Here's some rubbing alcohol.

Oh, poured in my eyes.

What?

The nurse and dad are having sex.

Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dashbine.

Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex.

Tommy! Tommy! Now that is Jello with a capital O. Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex. Wow. How would he explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex?

You're supposed to nurse him back to health. And I'd say I've done a hell of a job.

Oh, nurses are supposed to make people sick. You're just jealous because I've got it all and you live with that.

Oh, that? That? Oh, I got this. This is not that. You're that. You wish that you were that. I mean, this.

Oh, I mean, this. Stop it. We've all just got some shocking news and we're all a little raw. More than a little horrified.

Banana.

Nurse, you're supposed to be sterile and clean and having sex with my dad.

Dirty.

It's not just sex. I love him.

I love him. I love him. People laugh at what they don't understand. No, no, no. No, we get it and it's a lary. Because every woman that falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him. What's funny about that?

Laughter, absolute terror, fine line.

A black widow loves her mate and kills him. A pre-inmedus loves her mate. Then eat some.

Women love my dad. But he's too big to eat.

Dad had a little tax problem. He dated an IRS agent. So you still look fat in those pants.

He's. He's got out of hand. He met Officer Lindley. Of course I slept with the stewardess. How do you think I got us pumped to first part?

But sometimes, dad was just dad. You want to hit me if you didn't have that lazy eye?

Dad, dad, dad, dad. Does anyone could kill you and make it look like an act of God? Come on. Come on.

And the corner's going to cut you up and all they're going to find is a diseased heart damaged lungs and a rotting liver and they're going to think that killed you.

Mr. Titus, what Christopher is trying to say is we all know about your little Teteht with nurse Kathy. Why is he always talking in some kind of gay co.

I am not gay. And they don't have a code. How would you know that if you're not gay? I am not gay.

I'm going to help the girls in the kitchen.

Dad, look, look, look. I know you're having a blast and I understand the whole freaky nurse uniform thing.

But there's a woman in the kitchen that's saying that she's in love with you. Well, I'm in the living room saying I'm in love with her, too.

No, dad, no, dad. No, dad, no, dad, no, dad, no, dad.

You're not thinking straight, okay? It's a classic heart attack rebound. Yeah, it's the Anjana talking. It talks.

And Jaina. Now you listen to me, what's he going? I have managed to date hundreds of women and marry five of them without any help from you. Yeah, and then those women are here right now and five of them own half your stuff, which is five has, which is two and a half whole stuff that you can have, which if you had their stuff, then you can have.

Which if you had that stuff right now, well, you'd have three times as much stuff.

Dad, look, I care about you, okay?

Hey, look, some people look good at drinking and sleeping around and hey, you're one of those people.

And some people are good at lasting healthy relationships and you've never even met one of those people.

Dad, yeah, I suck at ice skating. So I skateboard. You suck at love, so you need to have sexual strangers. Lots of them. And skate on.

Dad, you love living your hollow empty life, you know, you don't want to drag someone you care about into that?

No, I don't. See, you don't. You gotta ask yourself, can I change?

I don't know. I don't know exactly. So you can't do this to another woman, Dad.

You're good, right? Cat?

I can be death. I can take on a little nurse.

What is it to you, Puy?

Cat, Christopher is right about me. This is the hardest part of any relationship.

Never easy. I mean, we've known each other for what? Nine days? Nine days. It isn't right. You shouldn't be here. Like this? Like this, not right. So, will you marry me? Yes, no! I'm not even dead. Good job. Did you know what I just said? It's important I get it right this time after you screw things up with Aaron, you'll understand. I am not going to screw things up with Aaron, because I don't marry everyone I have sex with. Excuse me?

I mean, I don't see you see. You're screwing it up right now. Dad.

You have no intention of marrying me? No, I'll marry you.

Oh, nice. You sound so excited about it. Honey, can I stop this man from making his six from staying before you and I talk about our first?

I'm not going to say that. Marriage! I love you. Dad! They say this six times the charm, kitty cat.

Ah! No, you're fired. I am not paying you $150 a day to sleep with my father.

He's not a bad price, you know, by the hour. You talk about your future mother like that? I just... She is talking about our future mother. Yes. Listen! You interfering on grief, little loser. First, you try to kill the man. Now you tell him not to grasp the one chance of happiness he has left me. Can't you see how happy he is? Can't you see where perfect for each other? No, get out of here!

Before you agitate him! Me? You're the one having sex with him. You're agitating him. That's what you know. I'm always on top.

Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look at me! I'm a cowboy!

I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain. Like the bomb going off over Hiroshima or the Hindenburg explosion. End.

Oh, the humanity. I can still see it!

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.