Original subtitles

♪

(telephone ringing)

You're making me nervous.

Why are you so slow?

Sir, this is an incredibly complex cryptogram.

I've already had to write an advanced quantum algorithm

to maximize integer factorization.

My God, you're boring.

Can I have your attention, please?

Now, as you already know,

Caitlin and I-- stand up, honey.

Caitlin and I recently got engaged.

Hey, woo-hoo!

What are you doing?

Now, I could talk about this lady for hours,

but I actually want to say something about you guys

because since I arrived here...

You have taken me into your hearts.

That's an excellent speech.

I think back to work, everyone.

And that goes to nobody more than Tim.

-Huh? -Tim,

you're gonna be my best man.

-What? -Get up here.

-No. -Give me a hug.

I don't want to.

-Give him a hug. -If he doesn't want to.

Hug, hug, hug!

(chanting)

All right.

All right.

Come on.

Oh, this feels incredible.

Speech!

Come on, speech.

Speech, speech.

Go on, say something, best man.

Aw.

Wow.

What can I say?

Um...

The British often think of Americans

as being brash, loud, shallow morons,

but with Portis, there is so much more to dislike.

(laughing)

This guy.

I actually feel physically sick

at the thought of being his best man.

Crazy British humor.

In fact, I think I can honestly say

that I hate you.

And I hate you too, buddy.

And, hey, you're all invited to the wedding.

Just as soon as we've set a date.

The date's already been set, baby.

Three weeks from tomorrow, people!

What?

Don't you think we've waited long enough?

Mm-hmm.

The decoded message, sir.

About bloody time.

-My name's on this. -Mm-hmm.

-This is a-- -A hit list.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Anyway, to the happy couple, yay!

♪

And when do you think humans started using

fabrics for clothing?

The earliest known woven textiles

date back to around 6000 BC.

Actually, the earliest textiles

date back to around 6500 BC.

Actually, I think you'll find that for woven fabric--

Shut up, just shut up!

You too, I'm sick of both of you!

Justine, could you please--

-Not now, Alan. -Right, sorry.

I've had enough.

♪

Any leads on the assassin?

-I'm checking-- -I don't care.

You can't be Portis' best man.

-I don't want to be. -Then tell him

you can't do it, make something up.

You're busy that weekend.

Wait, you're not actually gonna marry him?

-Tim. -It's a simple question.

I don't expect you to understand.

But, wh...

Why?

Look at him.

I don't know, because he asked.

"Because he asked," are you serious?

Keep your voice down.

That is ridiculous!

Anyone could ask.

I could've asked.

But you didn't.

Didn't that kiss mean anything?

I don't want to talk about this anymore,

Just tell Portis you can't be his best man.

-No. -I'm sorry?

Hey, here he is, bestie!

-Hey, buddy. -Hey.

-Catch you later? -Oh, you bet, homie.

Isn't he great?

I'm warning you, tell him now.

-I can't. -Why not?

Because he asked.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Oh, I'm scared.

♪

You okay?

Relationships are complicated, aren't they?

Yeah, but don't worry.

It always turns out all right out in the end.

But what if it doesn't?

What do you mean?

Well, what if we've already met our soul mate

but the timing's wrong?

-Well... -What if we're forced

to spend the rest of our lives

knowing that true love was within touching distance

yet forever untouchable?

Oh my God, are you dying?

No.

Why, God, why?

I'm not dying.

-Really? -No.

Then, why the hell are you talking like this?

You're 11.

What about me, I'm--I'm nearly 40.

I'm not married, I don't have children.

Would you like to be married?

-Yes. -To Marcus' mom?

She's my jagged angel.

Do you think she wants to marry you?

I--I really don't know.

I'm sure it will all work out.

What if it doesn't?

What if she never wants to marry me?

I don't know, sorry, I'm only 11.

She's never gonna marry me.

I want to die.

Why, God, why?

(wheezing)

Ah, Moritz.

Uh, good, good, come in, come in.

Come sit down.

Ooh, look at you.

You, uh, are you working out?

-No. -You're looking buff.

Jaffa Cake?

-Did you want something? -Straight to the point.

That's what I like about you, professional.

I think I may have been a little harsh on you before.

You said I was a moronic parasite.

Did I, really?

Well, if I did, it was Tim's fault.

He poisons me against you.

-I knew it. -Yeah, he's jealous

because you are my guy.

-Really? -Yeah.

Because you know I would gladly

give up my life to save yours.

That would be great, thank you--

If only I could.

Look, can't you just go back into the system

and tinker with the list?

I suppose we could try to make the assassin

go after someone else.

Yeah, exactly!

It's just such a busy time right now.

-What do you want? -You know what I want.

-Never. -I understand.

And I'm sure I can get around to the list early next week.

But the hit's going down tomorrow night.

Oh, that's right.

Oh well, we tried, great knowing you.

Okay, okay.

I'll give you a week in Tanner Reef--

-Two weeks. -Ten days.

Done, but I pick the hotel.

Whatever.

Ow, watch out, ladies.

Here come the party boys.

I'll go and book the flights, window or aisle?

-Window. -Oh-ho!

Exciting!

♪

Oh, great, you got the invitations then?

-Yeah. -I thought it would be fun

for the four of us to hang out properly,

-didn't we? -Yes.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Me too, see you tomorrow.

-Bye! -Bye!

What a bitch.

No, it's okay.

I'm sorry about before.

I was out of line, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Actually, you wouldn't mind coming to meet my friend.

It's just she's gonna be maid of honor.

-What, now? -Only if you have time.

It's just that you and she will probably need to liaise

quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.

Yeah, okay, just give me a minute.

Really?

Thanks so much.

Item two, guests.

My client wants a minimum of 75 percent

of the seated allocation in the registry office.

Well, I think I'll leave you to it.

Counter offer, no?

Then that's agreed, moving on, item three.

Forget it!

It's not negotiable!

My client cannot afford Lionel Richie.

So what are you offering?

I would need to take instructions,

but we might be able to stretch

to Terence Trent D'Arby.

Are you out of your mind?

My client will accept nothing less than Phil Collins.

Caitlin doesn't even like Phil Collins--wait a second.

Cocktails at the Inland Revenue,

pickled herring and pasta, honeymoon in the Antarctic.

This isn't Caitlin's perfect wedding, is it?

-It's yours! -Okay, fine, I admit it.

I got a bit carried away.

But I never had a proper wedding.

Well, we did the best we could.

I know, but come on, Tim,

we spent our honeymoon in a tent in Essex,

it rained all week, and we did nothing.

I wouldn't say we did nothing.

What--

-Oh. -In fact, I seem to remember

us doing nothing for four days straight.

Yes, okay.

Do you ever miss us?

No.

Now then, where do you stand on Gloria Estefan?

♪

Hey!

(party horn blaring)

Woo!

-What's going on? -I'm alive!

I'm off the list, ha-ha!

Oh, that's great, how come?

Because of this, whoa, this little genius.

Go on, tell him.

Well, I don't like to brag.

-Okay. -But it was

a fiendishly complex process, actually.

I created a digital echo of the hit list

and then mapped it onto a dummy target identity

which will be visible to the assassin

when he accesses it.

A dummy target identity?

He's accessing the list!

(beeping)

Doesn't know what to make of it.

(beeping)

That's my house.

Why is he looking at my house?

You gave him my postcode?

Oh, no.

How embarrassing.

-Delete it! -Yeah,

there's nothing I can really do about that

now it's been accessed.

Don't worry, Tim,

we'll do everything we can to protect you.

♪

♪

Okay, we're in position.

Roger that.

This one's a little pricier but we do get sea views.

Oh, wait, no.

No, we don't want to go full board, do we?

Want to explore a little.

Is he out there now?

Come away from the window.

Do you think he'll shoot you

in the face first or the chest?

Ooh, I don't know.

Chest first, I reckon.

Then finish you off with two in the head.

-Doof, doof! -Ah, good.

-This is perfect. -Thanks.

No, you idiot, don't you see?

This is your chance to get it on with Caitlin.

She's only coming here as backup.

So what, what have you got to lose?

Think about it, by tomorrow you could be alive

and going out with the woman you love, or dead

and still single.

I wanna be alive tomorrow.

Highly unlikely.

This is my last chance before they get married.

That's the spirit.

Thanks, Chris.

Mean a lot to me if you stayed.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

There's a killer out there.

Come on, let's hug it out.

Ah.

Good luck, Timster.

Don't get dead.

Zulu one approaching.

(door closing)

I'm gonna go and get changed.

Thanks for, um, for bringing him home.

That's fine.

Can't stop though.

We're going out for a romantic meal.

I don't know why you keep going on about it.

I told you I have a voucher.

Whatever you say, my darling.

Well, come on, let's go.

Wait.

♪

Goodbye, Judith.

You take care.

Just dinner.

(sighing)

You're all right, Philip.

Oh!

Thanks, Tim.

Means a lot to get your blessing.

♪

Do you want to drive?

I do.

♪

You, uh, looking forward to your dinner?

No.

I hate Nick and Justine's a terrible cook.

Worse than me?

Nearly.

-Wow. -Quite.

I just wish she wasn't there.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be around

an obnoxious, pedantic know-it-all?

Must be annoying.

It is, I can tell you.

If only he could be taught a lesson.

Just once.

Maybe we can help each other out.

♪

Now, remember, the scallops need to be lightly seared

before being served.

The Madeira jelly is prepped

and you just need to reheat the almond veloute.

Got it, now you need to get Nick

next to the rear window by 20:00.

Understood.

The turbot is roasting on a low heat.

It needs to be served with the braised celery

and the artichoke jus.

Right, now under no circumstances

are you to come back to the house.

All right, but if you burn the fennel and cider emulsion,

I will personally hunt you down and kill you.

Fair enough.

(doorbell ringing)

-That'll be Mia. -All right, go.

-Good luck. -You too.

-I love you. -Don't ruin it.

Sorry.

Bravo one approaching.

Listen, I'm sorry for earlier,

what I said about you and Portis.

Me too.

-Truce? -Absolutely.

Smells amazing in here.

Yeah, um, little something

I threw together, if you're hungry.

Okay.

♪

Mm.

Mmm.

-What are you doing? -Oh, I don't know.

You're acting very strangely tonight.

Am I?

Ah, thank you.

Thank you.

♪

I knew it!

(gasping)

It's squid.

Yes, that's right,

and you know how much I love squid.

Yours--ow, that's hot.

I just picked myself up a rather tasty

BMX Diamondback, actually.

-Oh, yeah? -She's a real beauty.

Mm.

Your hair looks nice, have you done something to it?

-Not really. -Oh.

♪

That was incredible.

Yeah, thank you.

I was particularly pleased with the celeriac fondant.

I'm sure Portis is a very good cook.

Portis's idea of haute cuisine

is a barbecue burger with extra relish.

Yeah, I'm sure those fundamental differences

aren't gonna destroy your marriage.

Behave.

Would you excuse me one second?

Just need to take care of a couple of things.

Who's the chicken Buddha?

Me!

And the lamb pasanda, that's mine.

-Filet mignon. -The mignon is here.

Okay, uh, what's this?

Barbecue burger?

Yo, up front.

Okay, papadums.

Where are the knives and--we haven't got

any knives and forks.

I mean...

Yes, of course I have my doubts about Portis.

I know my dad's not keen.

How was it?

-Yeah. -Honestly,

it was pretty disgusting.

I thought it was good.

Where's your bathroom?

I'll show you.

I mean, what, do I ever think about you and me?

'Course I do, Tim.

♪

Is that the new Chinese satellite?

Losing your touch, Elliot?

-Which one? -That one.

-Where? -There.

It's not a satellite, you moppet, that's Venus.

Oh, yes, of course, the goddess of love.

Ooh, God, listen to me.

You must think I'm dreadful.

♪

Are you being mysterious in there?

♪

Tim?

♪

Tim, where--

Black treacle parfait

with star anise foam and stem ginger ice cream.

Oh.

After you.

(humming)

Okay, enough.

What's the matter with you?

To hell with it!

I can't wait any longer.

Yes, yes, I will marry you.

Are you proposing to me?

No, you're proposing to me.

-No, I'm not. -Yes, you are,

I saw you.

The wedding dresses and the magazines.

That was for Caitlin, I'm her maid of honor.

Oh.

You silly goat.

Oh, I feel like a complete fool.

No, don't.

It's sweet.

Come on, let's go home.

Have you ever spent the night in a tent?

I might die tonight.

-Tim-- -No, please.

It's true and I can deal with that,

but th--there is something I want to say.

And the thing is--

Scorpion detected.

Scorpion detected.

♪

Go.

♪

How is he?

I'm really sorry, Nick.

You poisoned me with that disgusting food!

That's not fair.

Because of your crappy cooking,

I've had to spend the entire evening

in this ghastly toilet.

I mean, seriously, who's still got wallpaper like that?

Don't speak to her like that.

Oh, that's right, here come the waterworks.

I'm the one with gastroenteritis

and you're crying?

I don't want to go out with you anymore.

Well, that's just fine by me!

You're a horrible person!

Oh, no!

Are you all right?

I didn't want to have to tell you like this,

but I'm going away.

-We're leaving. -When?

Soon, I'm sorry.

♪

Scorpion on the move.

Looks like this is it.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Aw, you guys.

Whoa, easy!

You came back to be with me.

I actually forgot my iPod,

but, yeah, let's go with yours.

Scorpion moving.

Get down!

♪

This is what we live for, yeah?

Hell yeah.

Hooray!

♪

Let's lock and load.

(gunshot)

♪

What happened?

Scorpion's dead.

Who got him?

Wasn't that awesome?

Could we have a quick chat?

♪

I told you I'd protect my superstar.

-Uh huh. -What's going on?

Um, I don't know.

I think it's a car accident or something.

How was your dinner?

Not good.

How was yours?

♪

Perfect.

♪