Original subtitles

Ah, Tim, you got my message, good.

What're you doing up here?

Just sometimes come up here to think.

Hey, you want some?

Any chance that is actually coffee?

No.

You know the question I ask myself every single day?

-Am I sober? -It's this, Tim.

Do the ends always justify the means?

-No. -Probably.

-It's a gray area. -Not really.

That's why I wanna be sure that my agents

understand my ethics.

Think I understand your ethics perfectly.

I knew I could count on you.

Hang on a second.

-Hey, you ready to talk yet? -Never.

Well, let me know when you are.

Sorry, uh, where were we?

-Ethics. -Right.

♪

-Tell them how much you got. -Five hundred pounds.

Just for getting a story published?

-What's it about? -Existential relativism.

And a killer robot that tries to eat itself.

You gonna be a famous author then?

Probably, yeah.

♪

(knocking)

What you doing in here?

One short story and he thinks he's Tolstoy.

-So write something yourself. -I did.

-An entire novel actually. -You've written a novel?

Mmm, never got published.

What if I could make you into a famous author?

More famous than Nick could ever hope to be.

-Really? -But you'd have to do

exactly what I tell you do to.

-Okay. -I mean exactly, do you swear?

I swear.

(manic laughter)

♪

Turn that off.

Sorry.

I can't believe I'm gonna be 30, that's so old.

Well at least you've got a boyfriend.

-What? -Oh, I don't know.

It's just that...

-You can't tell anyone this. -What?

-Don't you love him? -Sometimes I'm not sure

I even like him.

Huh.

He can be so rude and insensitive.

-He must have his moments. -You would've thought.

It's always me doing nice things for him.

He's never cooked me dinner, or brought me flowers,

or offered to clean my nine-millimeter.

Well, you wait, I'm sure he's got

a great birthday present lined up.

All I'll say is that he better,

because I don't know if this can go on much longer.

♪

Can the ends justify the means, Tim?

Please stop doing that.

♪

-Well? -I'm not sure.

What are you talking about?

It's got everything!

-Romance, action, betrayal. -Lizards.

We can lose the lizards.

The lizards are not a deal breaker.

I'm sorry, I just don't think this is one for us.

Least we tried, little man.

At least now you can make

that final journey without any regrets.

-Final journey? -Oh, didn't I mention it?

-Yeah, he's dying. -He's what?

-I'm what? -Poor kid, still in denial.

This is awful.

What's wrong with him?

I don't wanna go into specifics.

It's all rather graphic.

Come on, champ.

♪

I suppose I just had this crazy dream

that this little guy's fading memory would be of his novel

sitting proudly on some bestseller list.

And of a publisher who dared to take a chance.

-That was your plan? -Wait.

♪

How about we make that dream come true?

What do you say, Marcus?

Thank you.

(coughing)

-Hey. -Hey.

So, Caitlin's birthday on Thursday.

Yeah.

-The big three-zero. -Mm-hmm.

You haven't got her anything, have you?

-I got something on order. -Oh.

-What? -Nothing.

-Tim. -No okay, I just, uh--

Well I overheard her talking to Lisa before and, uh,

she is freaking out about turning 30.

-Really? -Yeah.

Says she doesn't want anyone to get her anything.

-Not me though. -Oh, especially you.

I think she just wants the whole thing

to go by completely unnoticed.

-But I can't get her nothing. -Well, if you'd prefer it.

Tim, I'm not getting her nothing.

Okay, sure.

If you feel you must disregard her wishes,

at least get her something functional, eh?

-Functional? -Yeah, you know how she hates

all that romantic stuff.

Right yeah, of course.

Get her some nail clippers or...

some deodorant or a toaster.

What about flowers?

If you want her to dump ya.

-Shouldn't have said anything. -No, you did the right thing.

Well, I was just trying to look out for my bro.

You're a good guy, Tim.

Yeah, listen, probably best we don't, um,

mention any of this to her, eh?

Yeah.

-I'm not sure about this. -Would you stop worrying?

I thought you wanted to get your book published.

-I do, but not by lying. -Who's even gonna know?

-I will. -I don't understand.

Chris, they think I'm dying.

I know, isn't it awesome?

No, I'm sorry, you're just gonna have to call them

-and tell them that-- -Can you make it out,

"To my best friend, Phil."

Sorry, what did you want me to tell them?

Tell them I want to see cover designs by this afternoon.

(manic laughter)

Here's another one, you've invited over

a lady friend for a quick glass of wine,

and sometime between 9, 9:15,

you may have accidentally killed her.

What are your ethical obligations?

Tell the police.

Anyone else?

Are you looking forward to your birthday?

Hello, this is me remember.

-Have you got me a present? -I'm workin' on it.

Won't be anywhere near as good as Portis' though.

-What? -Whoops.

-Has Portis got me a present? -It's not for me to--

-Tim. -Okay, yes.

But I don't know what.

Spoke to him earlier and he said it cost him a fortune.

Can't believe it, he's usually not very romantic.

Looks like someone's turning over a new leaf, huh?

(indistinct remarks)

Don't tell him I said anything though.

-Don't wanna spoil the surprise. -I won't say a word.

-What do you reckon, Tim? -Huh?

-To the question. -Question?

Whether the ends justify the means.

It's a gray area.

(laughing)

Good lad.

Okay, next, you accidentally sleep with your second cousin.

Discuss.

I'm here outside St. Benjamin's School in South West London

where today, Marcus Elliot,

a remarkable 10-year-old boy,

has landed the publishing deal of a lifetime.

But what makes this story so special

apart from his prodigious talent?

It's simple.

Marcus Elliot is dying.

-Have you lost your mind? -It was his idea.

I am actually going to kill you.

No, now wait, I can see this has come as a bit of a surprise,

but can't we talk about it rationally?

-You're twisted! -I appreciate your feedback.

You are gonna call whoever you need to call

right now and tell them the truth!

-Or-- -Chris, just do it now!

Okay, fine, suppose I'll have to return this.

-What is that? -What, this?

Oh, it's just--this is just the advance

I negotiated on a three-book deal.

How much is there, just out of interest?

200,000.

I was gonna split it with you guys.

-What about me? -Grown-ups are talking.

-That's like 70,000 pounds each. -I guess so.

Anywho, I should be off.

-No! -No?

Let's just take a minute to really think about this.

I mean, what's the actual harm?

It's not as if Marcus is actually sick.

And, who knows, maybe his book will actually cheer up

other genuinely sick children.

♪

I don't know.

Are we despicable people for even thinking about this?

You are completely despicable.

In all my years, I have never seen anything

so disgusting or grotesque.

-You should be ashamed. -What did you say to her?

What could I say, I just pulled up my pants

and referred her to another therapist.

Now, thanks for coming in, I thought we could press on

with getting these adoption papers signed.

-Adoption papers? -Well, I assume

you're getting short of Tiny Tim now that he's on the way out.

-Oh, you've seen the news then? -Certainly did.

Thought we could celebrate your liberation.

Okay, well leaving aside your unbelievable crassness,

-Marcus isn't sick. -Really?

Chris made up the illness to get his novel published.

-I bought Pringles. -I think you're right, Tim.

We have to tell the truth.

Yes, truth should always be our guiding beacon.

It's decided then.

We give the money back tomorrow.

-Money? -200,000 pounds.

I mean, what is the truth?

Isn't the real truth just mother and father

wanting to do the best for their beloved child?

-Ten percent. -Fifteen.

-Eleven. -Done.

Hey, you can't go in there!

Is it true?

Is Marcus really ill?

(in unison) Yeah.

(indistinct chatter)

-Chocolate or carrot? -Mmm, bit of both.

Good for you.

-I brought you your mango juice. -Thanks.

It's been tough, but your support means so much

to us at this difficult time.

You should get some rest.

(children playing)

Got to hand it to you.

You've really got them going.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It must be so frustrating having

such a mysterious illness.

Do you want to say something to me?

I'm saying it.

You might be able to fool them, but you don't fool me.

Come on, Nick, really must let Marcus get some rest.

Sorry, sir, just wishing him a speedy recovery.

Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen.

I don't know about that, I am a big believer in miracles.

Amen to that.

♪

-Oh, oh that's so kind. -How's he doing?

-Um, yeah he's fine. -You are taking this so well.

Well no, it's difficult obviously, but, um,

you know, you just gotta stay positive.

-Hey, that kid's a fighter. -Yeah, if you don't mind,

I'd actually rather not talk about it.

-Sorry, man. -Sorry.

Yeah, I mean, you know, just think of happier things, huh?

Like, uh, like Caitlin's birthday tomorrow.

You haven't got me anything, have you?

Haven't really thought about it.

That's cool.

-Heard about the kid. -Yup, thanks.

-There are options. -Options?

-No. -It's quick.

-No! -Painless.

-Do no shoot my son. -Let me know.

♪

(knocking)

-Hi. -Hi.

-How are you feeling? -I'm fine, thanks.

Do you remember when you gave me this?

-Yes. -I just want you to know,

I'll always keep it with me.

Justine, I have to tell you something.

♪

Is there a problem?

I've got Salman Rushdie on the phone, are you coming?

You were about to say something?

♪

It was nothing.

Here, for you.

I don't need a photo to remember you, Marcus.

♪

(crying)

Is someone in there?

♪

-Tim. -What are you doing in here?

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

Well, I can see that.

-Oh, I'm pathetic. -No you're not, what is it?

I found it in Portis' desk.

♪

He's bought me a bread maker.

-And you've already got one? -It's my 30th birthday, Tim,

and my boyfriend's bought me sodding kitchen appliance.

♪

-I'm sorry. -No.

It's my fault.

I knew what he was like.

-I deserve a man like Portis. -No, you don't.

You deserve much better.

-I don't know anymore. -Oh, come on.

Don't be like that.

Hey, here I've got something that, uh,

might cheer you up.

What's this?

Well, it was meant to be for tomorrow, but, um,

thought you could do with it now.

-For me? -Mm-hmm.

-What is it? -Open it.

♪

I know you really like penguins so--

♪

Okay.

That's that then, we should probably, um--

(crashing)

Sorry.

Okay, tomorrow then.

We--excellent--you...

Goodnight.

♪

-We're through the worst of it. -I don't care,

-we have to end it now. -You are panicking.

-It's wrong, Chris. -Or is it?

(together) Yes!

-Ah, the voice of reason. -We have to end this now.

-Not you too. -I feel horrible, Chris.

Lying to my friends, I can't believe

-I let you talk us into this. -Me?

Yes, in our heads with your poison.

-Little dramatic. -We're finishing it,

right here, right now.

What do we have to do?

-Don't know. -What?

What was your plan to get out of it?

-Didn't have one. -Oh God,

-we're all going to prison. -Even me?

-Especially you. -No, look it's obvious.

-Marcus just has to get better. -Just like that?

Well, no one really knew what was wrong with him.

We can't suddenly declare he's better,

people will ask questions.

Or we'll just get a doctor to give him the all clear.

And where are we gonna find that?

Your patient, Marcus Elliot, was terminally ill,

and yet, just one week later, he's fully recovered.

Tell us, Doctor, are you a miracle worker?

No, maybe, no.

Look, obviously it's a tremendous outcome but I can't

take all the credit, maybe 90, 95 percent was me.

So, can you tell us a bit more about this terrifying illness

of which so little is known?

Of course, the, um,

disease, Martin, targets the upper-right ventricle

and the left patella, uh, causing restricted

blood flow in the, um, hedula area.

The right ventricle and the left patella.

That's the heart and the kneecap, isn't it?

That's right.

I wasn't aware they affected each other.

Oh yes, very common interplay.

So what was your course of treatment

that proved so successful?

Well, it was a multi-pronged approach,

but essentially, it boiled down to plenty of fresh air,

lots of orange squash and some decent afternoon telly.

Right.

Forgive me for asking, but are you a medical doctor?

-Medical or clinical? -Medical.

-No. -Clinical?

-No. -The boy wasn't ill, was he?

-That is an absolute-- -It was a scam.

-Yeah. -To get the book published!

You have to admit, it's pretty funny.

They're paying me ten grand just to do this.

And I can report that as of this morning,

every single copy of Marcus Elliot's novel has been burned

by the publishers who said they wanted nothing more to do

with this sordid conspiracy.

Back to you in the studio.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

No.

How could you?

After everything I did for you.

-I feel so betrayed. -What?

I'm sorry, I don't think I can be around you right now.

It was all his idea!

He made me do it!

♪

I'm sorry, Philip.

-Oh, Julian, can't really stop. -I've been trying to call you.

Great, send my love to the kids.

Never mind about that, where's our money?

Now about that, I'm having a few liquidity issues.

I want that money!

Yeah, now's not really a good time, can you call me?

-I did! -Okay, love to the kids!

I don't have any kids.

Okay look, I'm sorry, okay?

Things got a little bit out of hand.

Never meant to mislead you and I apologize.

Okay?

Can you just forgive me?

Come on, what do you say?

Need a bit more time.

(indistinct conversations)

♪

Why did you do it?

You really wanna know?

Because I was jealous.

Jealous of Nick.

Of you and Nick.

-You did a bad thing. -I know.

♪

Hiya.

Oh look, it's Tim.

If that is indeed your name.

Sorry I lied.

Wanted Marcus to get his book published.

-What were you thinking? -I know.

Did you even read the book before you got into all this?

It was all about lizards and chess.

-Do you forgive me? -Of course I forgive you.

You're an idiot, but you're not a cruel idiot.

What?

We kissed, it was nice.

-Aren't you forgetting Portis? -I'm trying to.

(knocking)

Boss wants to see you.

♪

(in unison) Happy birthday!

(giggling)

Is all this for me, oh thank you.

So you lied about the kid, huh?

That's hilarious.

Open mine first.

Oh wow.

Wonder what this could be.

Well, if you liked that,

watch this, could be good.

Oh, a bread maker.

-The best you can get. -You shouldn't have.

It's got all these attachments inside.

-Yeah, I'll look later. -No, come on, baby.

They wanna see.

What's this?

Caitlin, will you marry me?

♪

Okay.

You're right.

That was brilliant.

♪