Original subtitles

♪

(telephone rings)

♪

Didier?

C'est Sophie.

It has been over a week since I hear from you.

Are you okay?

Please call me back, mon amour.

That might be tricky.

But I'm telling you the truth.

We know the Koreans are trying to buy

weapons through you.

Yes, and I passed this information

onto the MI5.

What are you talking about?

Three days ago in Kuala Lumpur.

Are you telling me you told this

to an MI5 agent in Malaysia?

Of course!

Who was this agent?

Big guy with a stupid face.

Can you remember his name?

Tim Elliot.

♪

(chatter)

-Okay, settle down. -Is it true?

Is someone out there impersonating an MI5 agent?

No, of course not.

It's just Tim's body double.

My what now?

-Didn't I mention that? -No.

-No, I'm pretty sure-- -Sir?

Okay, yeah, well...

you've all got body doubles out there.

Cool, huh?

They don't actually look like us, right?

Of course they do, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same look, same blood type,

same fingerprints.

Here, pass these out.

Blimey, it's a good deal for you guys,

you know, because you don't travel as much,

and if a mission is suicidally dangerous,

who cares if one of them gets killed?

Their families?

(chuckles)

What the hell is this?

Yeah, we can't always find

an exact match.

You don't say?

My guy is amazing!

He's made over 60 kills in the last two years!

Okay, well, my guy stole nuclear plans

from the Iranians last year.

What did your guy do?

(wheezing chuckle)

Hey, Tim, your double is in London at the moment

if you want to meet him?

-Really? -Yeah, yeah.

I can set it up.

Okay.

What shall I wear?

♪

I hope you've enjoyed your visit

to St. Benjamin's.

Not particularly.

Who knows, perhaps the Brain Alliance

will soon be welcoming one of our pupils

to its noble ranks?

You 'll find out presently.

Of course, of course.

Just that I would be prepared to smooth

the path, as it were.

I'm sorry, are you trying to bribe me?

I am, yes.

Mr. Quil, I'm the president of the foremost intellectual

society in Northern Europe.

The criterion for admission is the brilliance of one's mind,

not the brilliance of one's silver.

Is that a no-- is that a no then?

However, I suppose I can disclose

that I have, in fact, selected a St. Benjamin

pupil to join the alliance.

Really?

Bet I can guess who it is.

You really are a very dull man.

♪

Uh, you remember Marcus, of course.

I trust Mr. Quil has been taking

good care of you?

I suppose so.

Do you wanna sit down while I make the announcement?

I'm fine.

So, children, we come to the results.

Indeed we do.

Some of you will be disappointed,

but to you, I simply say this...

A fool thinks himself to be wise,

but a wise man knows himself

to be a fool.

So true.

So, without further ado,

the Brain Alliance is delighted to welcome

its newest member...

Arthur Norris.

What?

Huh?

Come on up here, Arthur.

But there's been a mistake.

I don't make mistakes.

But Arthur's an idiot.

It's true, he's a very stupid boy.

Well, I subscribe to Einstein's contention

that the true sign of intelligence

is not knowledge, but imagination.

He deep fried his shoes in home economics.

(chuckles)

Wonderful.

I demand a recount.

All right.

No, Arthur still wins.

But you didn't do anything.

It's all in here, I wouldn't expect

you to understand.

Now, would you mind?

Say "Nietzsche."

(camera clicks)

We actually have very similar backgrounds.

He got a PhD in chemistry,

and I got a...

D in carpentry.

He was in the navy.

No, I like the color blue.

-Are you listening? -No.

Still disappointed with your double?

She infiltrated Al Qaeda.

-Cool. -Mm, as a man.

At least you got a double.

I don't even get one.

Oh, here, take mine.

You have similar facial hair.

(telephone rings)

Didier?

This is Sophie again.

Why the silence?

Are you breaking up with me?

Maybe you're with another woman right now!

Well, perhaps I too should sleep with

some other man.

-Hello? -Who is this?

Some other man.

Quoi?

I'm a friend of Didier's.

Where is he?

I want to speak to him.

Yeah, he's a little tied up right now.

Oh, so it is true?

He's breaking up with me?

I'm not gonna lie to you, he doesn't look happy.

Oh, mon dieu.

Look, I think it's probably best

if we meet.

I come to your apartment at 7:00?

But how do you know where I live?

Let's just call it destiny.

(birds chirping)

Notice anything different from last time?

You're dressed.

That was an honest scheduling error.

No, look.

No mess.

Just have to tap in...

"Elliot."

"File not found."

-You've lost our notes? -Yeah.

-What a surprise. -Barbara!

How much longer do we have to put up

with this idiot?

What's the matter with you?

You've been in a bad mood all afternoon.

He wasn't chosen for the Brain Alliance.

Oh.

(snorts)

Did you want to say something?

No, no.

Oh, you did your best.

That's all anyone can ask.

Like you could do any better.

You underestimate Tim Elliot at your peril.

(laughs)

Laugh all you like, but...what do you really

know about Tim Elliot?

Absolutely nothing!

Barbara!

Fine, in that case,

Tim Elliot can take the exam.

Tim Elliot would be delighted.

Oh, would you stop saying that?

What if you fail?

What, what do you mean?

Well, there has to be a forfeit.

Custody.

Excuse me?

If you fail, you give up custody.

Ooh.

Are you seriously suggesting we gamble for custody?

How is it gambling?

I thought we underestimate you

at our peril.

Wait, hold on.

So, if I pass, you stay with me?

But it has to be you who takes the test.

♪

I swear to you, Tim Elliot

will take that test.

Yes!

-Got them! -You found our files?

No, they've gone, but I've got Rihanna tickets.

Barbara!

-We got the tickets! -Woo-hoo!

She's happy.

♪

Should've been here by now.

What if he doesn't like me?

What if he's disappointed?

-My tie okay? -Mm-hmm.

Oh...

How are my pecs?

-Very nice. -You promise?

Hm.

(telephone rings)

Well, Didier,

I met with Moritz last night.

He told me that you're seeing another woman.

He said that you don't love me anymore,

but I do not believe him.

I will only know it is true

when I hear it from your own lips.

Until then, mon amour.

Okay, everyone, let me introduce

Tim Elliot.

Open that, will you?

I'm busting for a wee.

(farts)

Oh, sorry.

♪

You're disappointed?

No.

It's okay.

My wife had the same look...

before she left me.

You're a bit different than I expected.

I won't lie to you, it's not been a good year.

You can't tell, but I've actually

put on a bit of weight.

Really?

And the irritable bowels are still a problem.

Still got that brilliant mind, though?

-No. -No?

The alcohol killed the brain cells.

Have you thought about not drinking?

I've cut back quite a bit.

Really?

But fret not, Tim,

because I am here to serve you.

Can you take an exam for me?

-No. -No.

Blood pressure.

Right, of course.

-So, what about you? -What?

Are you married?

I'm divorced.

Seeing anyone?

Not at the moment.

Any kids?

Yeah, I have a son.

-Do you get on well? -Not really.

In the middle of a custody battle.

Are you gonna win?

Not now.

It's hard work being Tim Elliot.

Tell me about it.

♪

Hey there!

How was school?

-Okay. -Yeah?

Oh, wasn't that hilarious yesterday?

What?

You know, all that stuff about the exam

and custody.

It was so funny.

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

Just enjoying classic humor.

It wasn't a joke.

What?

My God, I can't believe you fell for it.

That is--you are so...

This isn't gonna work.

Really?

The exam's tomorrow.

Okay.

Don't worry, you'll do fine.

You might just wanna brush up on your

quantum mechanics.

Thanks.

(dog barks)

(yawns)

How long have we been studying?

Eleven minutes.

I'm never gonna get through all of this.

You have to, this is for Marcus, remember?

Hmm.

All right, all right.

Tell you what, why don't we take

a five minute break,

and then we'll hit these books like

Stephen Hawking on crack.

-I've got Pepsi. -That'll do.

Working hard?

How long have I been asleep?

Ten hours.

Oh, God!

Ready for the exam?

Yes, yes!

I think we've covered most things.

It's good to get some proper rest

before an exam.

I'll be in the car.

Okay, I'm there in a sec.

Thanks a lot.

Okay.

(line rings)

-Oui, hello? -Hello?

-Didier? -Oui!

(speaking French)

Okay?

(speaking French)

Yes, I agree.

Why are you speaking English?

Because, Sophie, French is language of love,

but English is language of breaking up.

I'm in love with another woman.

I don't believe you.

What did you say to me when we first kissed?

Ah, I said so many things.

You said our hearts would be as one forever.

Well, unfortunately I have met someone else.

Quoi?

What did you expect?

I am French.

But you should do the same.

There are many men out there.

Take Moritz, for example,

he's very handsome.

He's a reptile.

That's a bit harsh.

I mean, I understand he is a wonderful lover.

Is that what you want, Didier?

You want me to sleep with Moritz?

I really do.

-Okay, fine. -What?

If that is what it takes to show

my commitment to you,

then that is what I will do.

-Are you serious? -On one condition.

You call me by my special name.

Your special name?

You cannot have forgotten it.

Can I get a clue?

It is tattooed on your body!

Oh, right, right, of course.

Just remind me which part of my body that is?

You're just humiliating me now.

No, no, no.

Actually, I have to make another call,

but I will ring you straight back with

that funny little name,

and you can have sex with me.

I mean, Moritz,

and then everything will be cool.

Okay, ciao!

I take it you heard that then?

Yes.

Phew, I thought I was dreaming.

Where's Tim today?

Um, he's going to be in late.

He's doing an exam.

You don't mind if I sit here?

No.

I'm staying in a hotel while I'm in town.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, it's horrible, but it was cheap.

So, if you're interested...

Interested?

In coming back with me?

Are you hitting on me?

-Is that okay? -Not really.

Oh, fair enough.

What was it, the body

or the general desperation that put you off?

There were a number of factors.

-Sure. -The main one being

my boyfriend who is sitting right there.

Oh.

Yeah.

-Sorry. -Mm-hmm.

You want me to leave now?

-Yeah. -I thought so.

♪

The results will be ready for collection

at 5:00 this evening.

Hm.

I think we can probably start packing.

I'll give you a hand.

(soft knock)

Hiya.

Who are you?

Thought you might like a drink.

I cannot.

I'll untie you.

I just need to check you're not armed.

I've already been searched.

Can't be too careful.

You, uh, married, Didier?

No.

-Girlfriend? -Yes.

How's that going?

-Happy? -Of course.

I love her.

Hmm.

I bet you have funny names for each other.

What are you doing?

-Can I drink now? -Okay.

(handcuffs rattle)

I've been thinking of getting a tattoo.

-What? -Yeah.

But it's so hard to decide where to put it.

Do you have any tattoos?

-One. -Oh, really?

-Can I see it? -No.

-Why not? -It is on my buttock.

Huh.

That is a quandary.

How did it go?

Badly.

I can't help feeling I let you down.

Can't help agreeing.

I don't understand how you could gamble

custody of Marcus on the results

of an exam you were never going to pass.

I wasn't supposed to be taking the exam.

-He means me. -Yes, I got that.

What I meant is, why didn't you just cheat?

Tim, it may have escaped your notice,

but you are an MI5 intelligence officer.

Surely even you are capable of breaking

into an office full of nerds

and fixing an exam result.

Right.

Of course.

I've got two hours before the results are ready.

-Can I help at all? -You would've thought.

-Where's the boss? -Interrogation three.

Um, re: our earlier conversation.

-Stay over there. -Yes.

(knocking)

♪

What's going on?

-He's got a gun. -I can see that.

Why's he gotten undressed?

This is a bad man.

Ah, I can explain.

Okay, would you mind terribly if I left

you guys to it?

-Don't move! -Okay.

It's just you've got two hostages

and I really need to be somewhere.

-You're not going anywhere! -Right.

Selfish.

Excuse me.

I am never going to sleep with you.

Yeah, no, it's just there's something happening.

Oh, God.

Portis, hit the alarm.

(alarm sounds)

Is there anything I can do?

No.

Actually, yes, there is.

♪

(plastic cups clattering)

♪

(water splashing)

♪

(banging)

♪

Are you here to take the exam?

Okay.

Well, come on in then.

I like your outfit.

Most unorthodox.

Thank you.

♪

You tell me what happened.

He attacked me.

He was trying to steal Didier's girlfriend.

What?

Is this true?

-No. -Yes.

Okay, so we may have talked a couple of times,

but it was completely innocent.

-It wasn't. -Okay, so it wasn't

completely innocent.

Uh-huh.

Is she hot?

Can I please get out of here?

No!

So, what's with the trousers?

I need to see a tattoo on his buttocks.

No way!

Look, me too.

Yeah.

Look, Didier.

I'm sorry.

It's true, I was trying to steal

your girlfriend, but...

she loves you.

Yeah.

And if you love her, you'll let us go

and we can have you back together within the hour,

but this way there are 20 armed agents

outside that door.

So, just think about it, okay?

Thank God.

Might just be able to make it.

-He's already there. -Who?

Oh, no, he didn't.

♪

Time.

Pens down, please.

Don't forget to put your names on the front.

(laughs)

Which side?

-The tattoo? -Oh, yeah.

-Left. -Oh, very nice.

Are you really going to let me go?

No.

I didn't think so.

So, if I sign this, Tim loses custody?

That's the general idea.

He's really not very bright.

What's the matter, Marcus?

Fill in the form.

Is Tim Elliot here?

Yes, yes, I'm here, I'm here, sorry.

Sorry.

I have the results, and I'm pleased

to say you passed.

Really?

No.

You failed, abysmally.

I enjoyed that.

Right, can you sign this?

♪

-Check again. -Oh, I hardly--

Check again!

The results for Tim Elliot.

All right.

No need to be rude.

Now that we're no longer working together,

how about we go for that drink?

Nope.

Need more time?

I don't understand.

I seem to have two sets of results

for Tim Elliot.

One pass and one fail.

What does that mean?

Means the bet is off.

What, are you serious?

What do you think?

Well, you didn't pass,

but you didn't fail either.

The bet is null and void.

Won't be needing this anymore.

I don't understand.

Oh, I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

We wouldn't expect you to understand.

♪

Did warn you

not to underestimate Tim Elliot.

Don't start that again.

♪

(crash)

(crumpling paper)

-Hello? -What are you wearing?

Oh, my darling.

-Is that you? -You better believe it is.

But what if Didier finds out?

I don't think we're going to be

seeing much of him for a while.

Oh, you are so naughty.

You have no idea.

♪