Original subtitles

♪

-Looking stressed. -Hmm?

No, fine.

I feel your pain, Tim.

-You do? -Sure.

Chlamydia can be a nightmare.

-No. -Don't be ashamed.

I've got some ointment if you--

No, sir, it's nothing like that.

It's...

I've been invited to my son's summer ball,

and I don't have a date.

Aw, yeah, I'd love to come.

No.

-Next Thursday? -Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Got a waterboarding.

Ah, pity.

What about asking Caitlin?

-Asking Caitlin what? -Nothing, bye.

Tim wants to ask you on a date.

What?

That's completely misunderstood.

Well, you just told me--

Just told you that I have an amazing date

lined up, remember?

I knew we were talking about your disease.

I don't have a disease.

I don't have a disease.

Well, what's her name?

Who?

Your date, what's her name?

Carianna Susandi.

Carianna Susandi?

Mm-hmm.

Tim, are you making this up?

No, I used to know a girl called that.

-Really? -At the academy.

Oh.

Well...

Where's she from?

-Hmm? -Carianna Susandi.

Where's she from?

Very far away.

Ah, long distance relationships.

Tricky.

Hmm.

Not ideal.

I'll leave you to it.

It's for the old, uh...

♪

What's the market cap on this one again?

290 mil.

What do you reckon?

I don't know, its p is still sluggish.

♪

Mrs. Godfrey.

Seize the computer.

What's going on?

-Sorry, Philip. -Bernice...

-The CD-ROMs. -Right.

What are you doing?

-Who's she? -We have reason to believe

that you've been embezzling school funds.

What--no.

(machines shutting down)

What the hell just happened?

I don't know.

Did you do something?

No!

No, there must be some kind of mistake.

All the evidence is on your computer.

But I only use it to check MySpace.

Now we know you're lying.

No one uses MySpace.

I do, actually.

I'm taking control of the school

with immediate effect.

And my daughter Bernice will be my acting deputy

until we can find a permanent replacement.

What about me?

You will be given a non-operational role

pending the outcome of the investigation.

What does that mean?

It means he'll be washing netball kit

for the rest of his working life.

(alarm sounds)

I feel a great disturbance in the force.

♪

You don't have a date for the party.

Yes, I do.

Bet you 100 bucks you don't have a date.

Portis...

leave him alone.

No, you know what?

You know what, you're on, okay?

You are on!

And let's make it really interesting, shall we?

No, wait, 100 bucks?

That's like £70.

That's plenty.

Come on, who else wants a piece

of this action then, huh?

-Everything on Portis. -Everything on Portis.

I meant me.

♪

So, where are we on the entertainment?

I finally got the call back

from the juggler.

Let's just say his CRB-check didn't go

quite as well as he'd hoped.

What about the DJ?

He'll do it, but he can only play

German techno.

Oh, come on, people!

The party's in 10 days,

and so far we have no music,

a magician who may be available

if he's out of rehab,

and as for the ice cream vendor,

the only things that are frozen

are his assets.

I mean, seriously?

Is there anything else that could go wrong?

Well, isn't this cozy.

Mrs. Godfrey.

And how are preparations going?

-Fine. -Good!

Then it won't be hard for your successor

to get up to speed.

My successor?

I've decided that Nick should take over the committee.

But Philip already appointed me three weeks ago.

Mr. Quil doesn't make the decisions

around here anymore.

And you won't be needing this, will you?

I think you should sit detention this evening.

Give yourself some time

to work on that attitude.

♪

Just the man!

I need your cynical brilliance to help me--

Shh.

What?

Can you hear that?

No.

Sound of the wind caressing the leaves.

Okay.

Who is she?

An angel.

Brilliant.

Just when I need you to find me a woman...

you become a floppy mess.

Women aren't a commodity, Tim.

To be traded like cattle.

They should be cherished

like an autumn mist or the tears of a mermaid.

-Where were you? -Oh, bloody hell.

You were supposed to be picking up

my dry cleaning.

I'm sorry, my acorn.

I was practicing our song.

Bernice and I are doing a duet at the party.

-We're not. -Isn't she amazing?

Okay, I um...should probably go find Marcus.

He's managed to disappear.

Very nice to meet you, Bernice.

She's a keeper.

(strums)

♪ Take me on a journey, Bernie ♪

-Bernice. -Sss.

♪ Take me on a journey, Bernice ♪

Marcus?

(sobs)

What are you doing?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, have you seen Marcus?

He's in detention.

Detention, why?

(sniffles)

She's too powerful, Tim.

Who?

Too powerful.

(sobs)

It's going to be difficult

to get the other governors to agree

to your salary increase while the school is running

over budget.

Hmm.

What if we cut back on science equipment?

That could work.

And anyway, how many of these runts

are actually going to become scientists?

Not many now.

(laughs)

Okay.

Why don't you go and do a quick stock check.

(soft knocking)

Yes?

I couldn't help overhearing

your conversation.

Spying now?

Detention again on Tuesday.

Did have a suggestion for you.

A suggestion?

Yes, about your current financial predicament.

But I can see you're busy.

I apologize.

Thirty seconds.

♪

Well, if you set the school up

as an offshore company with you and your daughter

as joint directors,

you could charge the guests an entry fee,

but take the cash out in tax free dividends.

That might generate a bit of income,

but hardly enough to get excited about.

But who's to say the company

can't make other larger investments

secured against the school's assets?

All you would need is a sign off from...

The headmistress?

And her deputy.

I don't have time to run a company.

No.

But I do.

Yes, well, no, um...

It's actually more of a government job, really,

so all rather top secret, I'm afraid.

The toilets are disgusting.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd bring my own.

Oh.

-You're in my seat. -No.

Don't worry, Tim, I can handle this.

Come on, darling.

Push off.

Leave her alone!

How's it looking tonight?

-Any action? -No!

Yeah, it is a bit flat, isn't it?

Actually, she was quite tasty.

Should've taken a pop.

Did you follow me here?

Yeah, sorry.

Um, Mum wanted me out for bridge night, so...

Oi-oi.

Target acquired.

Excuse me.

Allow me to get these, ladies.

No, it's okay, thanks.

I insist.

No, really, it's fine.

Who's next?

Uh, yeah, we'll have um...

Um, a mojito.

And a vodka and tonic.

Wow, okay, a little more expensive

than I was anticipating.

Oh, sorry, we can change.

No, no.

Damage already done.

Tim, have you got any cash?

-No. -Please, don't worry.

It's okay.

Can I pay with a card?

Twenty pound minimum.

-We'll just get our own. -Yes.

Okay, here's the deal.

The good news is I am prepared

to shell out the 20,

but before I invest, let me lay my cards

out on the table.

Tim here is desperate,

so he'll probably be prepared to take

either one of you.

Me, I prefer you, but don't take offense,

not a deal breaker.

So, what I'm suggesting is this, us four,

large bottle of cider, shotgun at Nando's,

back to yours for a crazy hour,

hour and a half max, what do you say?

No.

I have one no, and you're a...

-No. -Sure?

-Yes. -Wavering.

Yeah, that's a definite no.

I am so sorry about him.

Fair enough.

♪

(soft knocking)

All done?

♪

You know the drill.

(muttering)

You could go now, Philip.

I'll drive Marcus home.

-But-- -I said I'll drive you home!

(clatter)

Has the food arrived?

Being unpacked now.

Where are you going?

Me and Bernie need to practice our duet.

But Miss Godfrey told me she wasn't doing it.

She's teasing you!

God, she's so funny.

Don't worry, I'll go and speak to her now.

Well, hurry!

The party starts in three hours.

Oh!

And Philip...

I've got a special assignment for you.

Mrs. Godfrey's request.

Oh.

(knocking)

-Yes? -Yeah, Tim.

I heard this Carianna Susandi

had to cancel.

Who?

Oh, right, yup.

Yes, so you've no date for the party.

Apparently not.

I have an idea.

Sir, if you don't mind,

I'd really rather you didn't interfere anymore.

Okay, fair enough.

I've got you a date.

Okay, I thought you weren't going to interfere.

-I lied. -Right, well...

tough because I don't want to know.

Okay, fine, fine.

If you wanna make a fool of yourself

in front of Portis and Caitlin...

and your son.

-It's not you, is it? -No.

'Cause I'm not going with you.

Yes, you've made that painfully clear.

No, her name is LA69.

That's a strange name, I thought.

Is this from a dating website?

No!

Is this from a dating website?

-Yes. -Cancel it!

I've got a photo!

I'm not interested.

Although, it would be rude not to show up.

Do you want me to cancel?

No, I don't want to let you down.

-Ah, no trouble. -No, listen, it's fine.

No, I can go.

No, no, no, you're right.

-I'll cancel. -No, I can go.

-It'll be fun. -This is exciting.

Did you send a photo of me?

No, I sent a photo of Ryan Gosling.

We do have quite similar bone structure, actually.

She's gonna meet you at the school gates

at 6:15 sharp.

Thank you, sir.

♪

86,000.

And that's just from the last four days.

You've done some good work for me, Marcus.

It was nothing.

But I'm still not sure I have your full respect.

No.

I think perhaps another month

of detention could set you straight.

What do you say?

Thank you, Mrs. Godfrey.

(slams safe shut)

I made it for you.

I don't want it.

Have it later, then.

We need to get rehearsing anyway.

Rehearsing?

The duet, silly.

When are you going to get it into your stupid head

I'm not singing with you.

But the song stands as a beacon

of our love.

It's called "A Beacon of Our Love."

But I don't love you.

What?

How could I ever love you?

You're nothing to me.

Don't say that.

I can change.

Just tell me and I'll change.

But I love you.

I love you!

I love you so much.

I love you.

Bernie!

I love you!

♪

You feeling a little better?

I don't know what I did wrong.

It had nothing to do with you.

The Godfreys are pure evil.

How'd you like a chance to get even?

So, Tim...

did you find your hot date for tonight?

Leave him alone.

I did, actually.

Yeah, right.

Ignore him, Tim.

You can forget about the bet.

The hell he can!

-Portis! -I'm serious.

I have a date.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

I'm meeting her at the school gates.

Well, we're just gonna have to tag along then.

Not that I don't trust you.

You can't come.

Ah-ha.

No, because you need tickets.

You mean like these?

(gasps)

Ooh.

You're not seriously coming to my son's

school party?

-Yeah, we're coming. -Woo-hoo!

Party!

(sing-song humming)

♪

♪ Yeah, it's summertime in our little town ♪

♪ There's sunny faces all around me ♪

♪ Summertime ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Summertime in our little town ♪

♪ There's sunny faces all around me ♪

♪ Summertime, whoa ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Summertime, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Just think, maybe we'll have one of these little

rugrats someday.

-What? -I mean...

you'll have to quit your job, of course.

I was thinking, move back to Nebraska.

Nebraska?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome the St. Benjamin Wildcats!

♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Go Wildcats ♪

♪ Go, go, go Wildcats ♪

♪ Wildcats ♪

♪ Go, go, go Wildcats ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Go Wildcats ♪

♪ Go, go, go Wildcats ♪

♪ Wildcats ♪

♪ Go, go, go Wildcats ♪

Please no, please no, please no.

Phew.

You have got to be kidding me.

♪

Would you like to dance?

No.

Do you want some food?

Justine, can't you see I'm busy?

♪ I'm not one for the chatter flies ♪

We do have quite similar bone structure, actually.

Anyway, what about your photo?

What about it?

At least that was actually me.

That was you?

What are you trying to say, Tim?

What about all that LA69 stuff?

I was born in 1969

and my initials are LA, Leslie Ash.

Your name is Leslie Ash?

What's your point?

Tonight couldn't get any worse.

Finally, we agree on something.

♪

(laughs)

Shut up.

Aren't you going to introduce me?

-No. -Hi, Leslie.

-Look, it's Leslie. -Yay!

Are you at least gonna get me a drink?

(laughs)

(speaker reverb)

(strums)

♪

♪ Why'd you have to hurt me, Bernie? ♪

♪ You treat my heart like taxidermy ♪

♪ I'm gonna kill you ♪

♪ Better get an attorney, Bernie ♪

♪ I hate Bernice ♪

♪ You're a disease like scurvy, Bernie ♪

♪ And all that food makes you curvy, Bernie ♪

♪ Want you to die, you don't deserve me, Bernie ♪

♪ Bernie ♪

♪ I hate Bernice ♪

♪ You're a disease like scurvy, Bernie ♪

♪ And all that food makes you curvy, Bernie ♪

♪ Want you to die ♪

♪ You don't deserve me, Bernie ♪

♪ Die ♪

♪

What do you want?

We don't have much time.

I need you to call this number in 10 minutes

and say what's on the back.

Why should I do anything for you?

It's not for me, it's for you.

Why would I trust you?

You betrayed me.

You're wearing a skirt and pom poms.

Seriously.

What have you got to lose?

♪

It's up to you.

♪

♪ Why can't she just miss me

when I'm gone? ♪

♪

♪ And why won't she just kiss me

when she's wrong? ♪

♪

Look at them!

Aren't you glad we got each other?

♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ ...cry alone ♪

♪

(sighs)

♪

(dialing)

♪

Yes, yes.

Um, I'd like to report a crime.

Can we go yet?

Soon.

It's nearly over.

♪

Do you want to dance?

♪

What's going on?

What are the police doing here?

♪

Mr. Quil has made some serious allegations

against you involving improper financial dealings.

I can assure you that Mr. Quil

is grossly mistaken,

and motivated solely out of bitterness.

How dare you!

Would you mind opening the safe,

please, Mrs. Godfrey?

(gasps)

What's this?

Little...

Hey!

He sat right here.

He did all the accounts.

-Who did? -Marcus Elliot,

he's in Year Six.

Are you saying you had a child doing your accounts?

My God, he planned it all along.

♪

There must've been others.

Oh, of course.

Someone had to drill through the wall.

And a badge.

They're all in on it.

It's a conspiracy.

Sarge, looks like Mr. Quil was right.

This appears to show large sums of money

being paid into the private accounts

of Mrs. Godfrey and her daughter.

No, you've got it wrong.

Tell them, Philip.

You saw Marcus, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Godfrey, I didn't see anyone.

But then again, I was quite busy

washing netball outfits.

Mrs. Godfrey, Miss Godfrey,

we are arresting you both on suspicion of fraud.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defense

if you do not mention when questioned...

♪

Thank you.

I don't know what you mean.

(chuckles)

But where did all the cash go?

It's safe.

So, um...

did you enjoy seeing me make a tit of myself?

A little bit, yeah.

Has anyone seen Chris?

He said he'd make his own way home.

Hm, all right.

Come on, then, let's go.

Who's up for ice cream?

Me.

♪ Bernie ♪

♪ I hate Bernice ♪

♪ Want you to die, you don't deserve me, Bernie ♪

♪ Die ♪

♪