Original subtitles

About these reports of bullying in your class,

I suppose my question is why

do the kids pick on you so much?

I don't know, I tried to be their friend.

Do you ever think that that might be the problem?

How do you mean?

Hope you don't mind me saying, Alan, but you can be

quite a weak character sometimes.

-And a bit of a pushover. -I see.

-You're not gonna cry, are you? -Probably.

Come over here.

The thing to understand is, they're not human.

-They're not? -No, absolutely not.

They're organisms entirely engineered to induce rage,

fear, and depression in adults.

They are set upon our destruction.

-I didn't realize. -We have to stand up to them,

Alan, for the sake of the humanity.

-We're like terminators. -Exactly.

-RoboCops. -Yes!

-Mrs. Doubtfire. -Not so much, no.

Permission to go and crack some skulls, sir.

If you mean metaphorically then,

get outta here, soldier.

(kids shouting)

Open or closed?

Did I mention I've got my appraisal today?

Just the 17 times.

Expecting quite a handsome bonus.

-Uh-huh. -Who knows,

there might be a little something in it for you.

So what, you're now hoping to buy my affection?

-Yes. -Okay.

-I need you to sign this. -What is it?

Consent for my work experience.

Why are you doing work experience, you're ten.

We don't all want to end up like you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Lots of important jobs out there besides law and accountancy.

Just sign the form.

-Are you coming? -Give me one second.

-Here you go. -Well done.

Enjoy.

♪

-Look at him. -Seriously.

-What? -We all know

you're gonna get a great appraisal, Tim.

-What do you mean? -Oh, come on.

We're just employees around here, you're his boyfriend.

-I resent that! -Thank you.

-Wait, why do you resent that? -Okay, listen up people!

Excited about your appraisal.

The appraisal that will be positive yet critical?

Mainly positive.

But no more favorable than anyone else's?

In fact, shall we do it over lunch?

So you do--you treat all the agents equally, yes?

Of course not, Tim, come on!

You are my North, my South, my East, my--

-God, would you help me out? -Appraise me.

Okay, technically you have some limited ability,

but you have the interpersonal skills of a sociopath.

-I'm just focused. -Focused?

You're cruel, careless and selfish, and I'm generally

ashamed to have you in my department, and your bonus

this year is the statutory minimum of 37 pens.

Anything else you wanna add?

-No, sir. -Cool, right, who's next?

You, come on.

And he's gonna be just as tough on me.

Hey, Tim, I've arranged for you and I to go bowling after this!

Yes, aw, hate bowling.

♪

Paul and Mia, you're going to spend the day

at Garret Solicitors.

Daniel, you're going to Carver Aeronautical Engineering.

Marcus, you're going to Chaudhri's

-Import Export Emporium. -Excuse me.

-Did you say import export? -Yes.

You did put retail on your form, so...

Well, there's clearly some sort of misunderstanding,

so if you'd just assign me to the proper position

we can all move on.

I'm sorry but it's too late for that.

Are you refusing to change my assignment?

I suppose I am.

You're going to regret this, Alan.

That's Mr. Harris to you.

Now get your your things together!

♪

I'll be back.

♪

Right, who's next?

You are.

Director.

Hello?

-You must be Marcus. -Yes.

-Do you want a suit? -No.

I can do you a lovely suit, 30 pounds.

-No, thank you. -Thirty-five and I'll throw in

-a set of tires. -I don't drive.

You negotiate hard, I like that.

So, do you have any idea what I do here?

Sell high volumes of low quality stuff

-for maximum profit? -Wrong!

Actually yes, that's exactly what I do here.

But do you know why I do this?

-For the money? -Wrong!

Well yes, for the money obviously, but no.

It's because I like to humiliate stupid people.

I want to sell these fools things they don't need

for money they don't have.

And then I like to smear the cash against my naked thighs.

Don't worry, that's a Punjabi expression.

But tell me this.

Do you feel pity for these idiots?

You have no idea.

♪

You're looking good.

-We go way back. -Forty-seven--

Actually, I'm a little older.

Forty-seven innocent civilians dead.

-It's been a busy year. -That was last week.

Ah but, how many terrorists did we get?

-None. -Really?

Do you know what your opposite number at MI6 said of you?

-No. -No, neither do we.

He was shot dead on one of your missions.

What can I say?

We are facing a ruthless enemy.

-You shot him. -And I have apologized!

Jeez, how many times-- what, what is--

-Whose side are you anyway? -Hers.

-I thought you and I-- -No.

What is this, this is ridiculous, you know me.

You know the way I work, I get results.

-What do you want from me? -I want your ID

and your weapon.

Please, be advised that as of 11:53 this morning

The Examiner has been put on suspension.

Pending the outcome of a disciplinary investigation.

In the interim, I will be your acting chief.

Are there any questions, no?

-Good. -Don't worry.

-It's just a misunderstanding. -It's not.

-I'll be back soon. -He won't.

Wow, I can't believe it.

Me neither.

What about my appraisal?

-You certainly seem happier. -They actually listened to me.

Yeah I know, I remember when I first--

Stop running!

Sorry, you were saying something.

No, no, don't worry.

Oh actually, that reminds me, you couldn't cover

netball practice tonight, it's just that Susan's ill--

Yeah, right, I really wish I could

but tonight's not great for me actually.

-Oh. -Yeah, sorry.

No, it's okay, no problem.

-I'll just find someone else. -Tuck your shirt in!

Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you the 20 seats for a pony each as long as you

take five sewing machines off me for a bull's-eye.

They're already discounted for cash,

do you think I'm some kind of mug?

Okay, I'll have them over to you by five.

All right, nice one, ta-ta now.

I actually think I love you more than my own children.

Your file makes quite some reading.

Thank you.

"Tim has it all, the stature of Colossus,

-the intellect of Socrates--" -Well--

"And the skin tone of Kate Winslet."

It says that?

I don't approve of favoritism in the workplace.

Oh, I don't, I don't think it's favoritism.

-Plane tickets to Tenerife. -Everyone was invited.

-I wasn't. -Sonnets.

Uh, practical joke.

Drawings of you as a gladiator.

As a glad--sorry?

Yeah, that's quite weird.

So given this overwhelming evidence of bias,

I'm afraid I cannot award you any bonus this year.

But I'm sure you wouldn't want to receive one

under these circumstances anyway.

No.

I know some of you are finding these changes difficult.

The adjustment will be painful, but you will emerge

with a new sense of professionalism that--

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

Portis.

Portis, okay.

Um, where was I?

It's totally gone.

Woo, embarrassing, um...

Okay, carry on.

You too, Portis.

♪

And with your support I think I can make it.

(clapping)

Thank you, Jeff.

Who wants to go next?

How about you?

Oh, okay.

My name is The Examiner,

and it's been three days since my last assassination.

(applause)

-I've had a very bad day. -I know that feeling.

(murmuring)

You know, it's funny they say our job in the Secret Service

is to protect the public, but...

what do we know about their lives?

You know, we get to travel first class, wear

Savile Row suits, get to execute criminals,

and the odd innocent civilian.

I know I have.

And we're certain that we're the heroes.

I, I don't know, I mean,

are the real heroes the people out there?

The one's with the Oyster Cards,

and microwaves, and tracker mortgages.

♪

Yeah, I've been in the Secret Service

since I was, um, 23.

♪

I was head of MI5.

Until today.

My name is The Examiner...

♪

and I don't know who I am.

So how was the work experience?

-Amazing! -Really?

Yeah, I always thought retail was about selling objects.

-But it isn't. -Isn't it?

No, it's about selling dreams.

And all you need is enough idiots to buy them.

-Hi, Alan. -Knock, please.

♪

-Come! -Um, you wanted to talk to me...

♪

Yes, thank you.

Philip, I've become increasingly concerned

about the lack of discipline and moral fiber

-amongst the children. -I see.

So I've informed the school governors

and they'll be carrying out an inspection this afternoon.

What, you can't do that.

I'm the headmaster of this school.

-For now. -What's that supposed to mean?

Good day, Mr. Quill.

Open or closed?

I love this, is it Jigsaw?

-J. Crew. -Very nice.

So, I hear that you and Portis are, you know.

Agent Portis and I are in a relationship, yes.

You're a lucky girl, he's a fine-looking man.

-Thank you. -What does he weigh?

-185, 190? -I don't know, why?

Oh, no reason, just like to get to know

my team intimately.

-Does he mention me at all? -Mention you?

You know, at home, in private.

-In bed? -What?

-You've got such lovely hair. -Okay.

I heard you used to date Tim as well.

-Not exactly. -He's a nice-looking boy.

-What about him? -What about him?

-You could go out with him. -But I'm going out with Portis.

Right, forgot that.

The thing is, and this is the real bugger,

relationships between agents aren't actually allowed.

-Since when? -Since this morning.

-This morning? -I know.

But you just said I should date Tim.

Good idea, I'm sure I can make an exception.

So make an exception for Portis.

-No can do, I'm afraid. -Why not?

-That's classified. -I don't feel comfortable

having this conversation anymore.

-I quite understand. -May I go?

Of course.

Loving all this.

♪

Let me know if you need any help.

-We're just looking -She's nice, isn't she?

You clearly know your motors.

-A little. -Come on, let's go.

Four-wheel drive, anti-skid boots,

-front and rear diffs. -Wow.

Yeah, she's got some serious power under the hood.

I'd normally only show her to the professional driver,

but you look like you can handle it.

-You've already got a car. -I'm just looking.

What's the matter with you today?

We're supposed to be looking at chemistry equipment.

And we will, in a minute.

I can get the controller if you wanna take it for a spin.

-We really don't have time. -Yes.

Thank you, that would be great.

Always have to do what you want.

♪

-I can explain. -Don't bother.

What's the matter with you, why aren't you angry?

-What's the point? -This is about Harris.

What about Harris?

Oh yes, the governors are gonna be fascinated by this.

Oh well, there goes my job.

Maybe not.

-You are kidding. -No ma'am.

And to this day I can't look at a Shih Tzu

without feeling nauseous.

-That's a wonderful story -Look at her.

-What about him? -That is blatant favoritism.

-"Yes, ma'am, no, ma'am." -I've got stories.

Old enough to be his mother.

You know what you have to do.

♪

(bell chiming)

Ahh, Tim!

(laughing)

-Hello, sir. -Oh, lovely!

-Come on. -How are you?

Wonderful.

Do you want something?

I, um, I have a coupon

for a free muffin.

That's--oh no, I'm fine, thanks.

Suit yourself.

Something for me to look forward to tomorrow.

Yeah, what have you been up to then?

Oh me, busy, busy as a bee, yeah.

I've got very into car boot sales and antiquing.

And, um, I've been watching that,

um, new show.

Murder She Wrote, have you seen it?

-That's quite old, actually. -Yeah, great.

Well it's tremendously exciting.

Sir, the office isn't the same without you.

The director, she's a bit of a tyrant.

-Doesn't have your flair. -Ah, that's very kind of you,

but I'm sure she's doing an excellent job.

So are you prepared for your disciplinary hearing?

No, no, I'm not gonna contest it.

-What? -Yes, it was time.

Make way for some new blood.

No, you can't do that.

-No, we miss you, we need you. -I appreciate that Tim.

I really do, but I'm not coming back.

-I don't understand. -Well, I'm happy.

How can you be happy with this?

You'll understand one day.

I want the old Examiner back.

Tim.

The Examiner is dead.

So if you can spare me a few more minutes,

I would welcome the opportunity to let you know

about some of my plans for the school

if I were lucky enough to be appointed headmaster.

(machinery roaring)

-What on earth? -I'm sorry, sir.

This batch is gonna have to be delayed.

-Oliver passed out. -Mr. Harris!

What have I told you about using child labor

for your export business?

I don't know anything about this.

I'm afraid you leave me no option

but to call the police, again.

I'm sorry you had to witness this.

Alan's been under a lot of pressure recently.

-Gambling debts. -But, but...

Hasta la vista, Alan.

What do you mean he's not coming back?

-Where have you been? -Oh so--

I just had to pop out and see someone.

So I presume you'll be staying late to catch up.

Unfortunately no, I have to go pick up my son.

I suppose you should have thought of that before.

Portis, wait up.

Who's gonna pick up Marcus?

-Thanks for this. -Ah, it's my pleasure.

-Nearly done. -Okay, I'll be right there.

I have to go.

-Can you really not drive? -No.

-How about you? -What do you say?

Would you run a quick errand?

It's just up there.

♪

The rest is in the van.

-What's with granddad? -He's with me.

Hello.

♪

This is short.

The thing is, we've been hearing

that Chaudri's going for another fence.

It's a free market.

-He makes a good point. -He does.

Tell you what, on this occasion

we are prepared to take this lot off you for free.

Hey, give that back!

-Is this really necessary? -Take a walk, Poligrip.

-But the-- -Help me!

Yeah, it's time for you to disappear, mate.

Help, help me, no, help!

Perhaps he's gone to get the neighborhood watch.

Here, tie him up, I reckon we can get Chaudri

to cough up another ton for the kid.

-Help! -You know what?

These are pretty decent threads.

I agree.

♪

-Wait outside. -What about you?

-I'll be right behind you. -Running away are we?

♪

(indistinct shouting)

♪

Are you all right?

I'm terrific.

-You got my money back! -I don't think so.

This world is not for you, son.

Do you really work with my dad?

I used to.

-What did you say you did again? -I didn't.

Well, after a detailed investigation I regret

to inform you that The Examiner has been reinstated.

-Yes! -On a probationary basis.

I must say I was somewhat surprised by the apparent

lack of incriminating evidence.

Yeah, thank you, director, for looking after my team.

You're welcome.

If you need anything,

-you call me. -Okay.

(mixed cheering)

-So what happened? -I don't know,

I just kinda remembered who I am.

Well, then who's up for some bowling?

(laughing)

Good to have you back, sir.

Thanks, thanks, Tim.

How did you dodge those charges?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Plane tickets, and--oh yeah,

-the keys to my villa. -Thank you.

Are you two, um...

No.

Leslie, wait up, Leslie!

♪