Original subtitles

♪

How are you?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

Good, good.

Tim, you're fired.

What, why?

Why, why, he wants to know why.

What is she doing here?

I had to inform HR.

This incident report is a disgrace.

I have no idea what you're talking about--

Oh, come on, Tim.

You exposed the identity

of someone in the witness protection program.

No, I did not.

It's gross misconduct.

-A sackable offense. -Yeah.

Read it, Leslie, please read it.

"T.E.," that's you,

"negligently broadcast the name of witness X

over the tannoy at Ikea while carrying out surveillance.

When confronted, T.E. claimed that the error

was 'no big whoop'

and that everyone should just 'chillax.'"

Chillax?

Tim.

Sorry, Leslie, can I just--

Look as much as you like,

but you can not refute the allegations.

That's why we call them allegations.

Mmm.

Yeah, T.E., that's you.

-What? -T.E., The Examiner, it's you!

-He's getting desperate now. -You signed it at the bottom.

That signature could be anybody's.

And written, "This signature could not be just anybody's,

it is definitely mine, The Examiner."

Circumstantial hearsay.

And there's a photo of you at Ikea.

It's unacceptable for you to harass my agents like this.

But you're the one who asked--

I'm sorry, but enough, just enough.

I'm sorry about her, Tim, she's emotionally unstable.

Uh, Tim, listen, I'd like you to do me a little favor.

The witness is not staying with me.

Oh, come on, it's just for a week.

While we sort out a new identity.

I'm telling you right now, there is absolutely no way--

Ah, there you are.

I want you to meet Tim.

He'll be looking after you.

Hi.

♪

I'm telling you--

I'm telling you she is really good looking.

When can I meet her?

Um, how about never?

Sounds like someone's afraid of The Love Guru.

-Yeah, right. -I've got to go.

Okay, bye.

♪

So you like her?

You're not jealous, are you?

Jealous?

Of her?

Why would I be jealous?

That is ridiculous.

I'm literally laughing that is so ridiculous.

♪

(tires skidding)

Wow.

He's such a show off, isn't he?

Lower primates can ride bicycles.

Seems to be impressing some people.

Hey, Marcus, why don't you show us what you've got.

No, thank you.

Oh, is someone a chicken?

That's gallus domesticus to you.

Are you going to put up with that?

♪

(school bell ringing)

Damn, I was really looking forward to that.

It's okay, we'll see you here later.

After school?

Great, looking forward to it.

Can't wait for you to destroy him.

Is there a problem with my application?

I'm just surprised that you want to be a P.E. teacher.

Sure, why not?

Do you like sports?

Oh, God, no.

Any physical activity?

Try not to.

It's exhausting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about children?

Not a big fan.

Any teaching experience?

None.

Never really interested me.

Just remind me again why you want to be a P.E. teacher.

Same reason everyone else does,

the absurdly generous holidays,

easy hours, stealing school property,

and the chance to hook up with demoralized

drunk teachers and/or hot South American nannies.

-Well, I suppose it is only P.E. -Exactly.

Do you want to start this afternoon?

Yeah, cool.

Is that true about the nannies?

♪

Looks like your man has bottled it.

He'll be here.

Where the hell is he?

♪

I'm really sorry, shouldn't be much longer.

You're very sweet.

Ah.

You okay?

Yes, thank you.

Marcus, I'd like you to meet Elaine.

She's gonna be staying with us for a few days.

Enchanted; can we go now?

Yeah, you want to put your belt on?

(engine starting)

♪

♪

Hope that was okay.

It was delicious.

You really can't go wrong with Vienetta.

You want some coffee?

Thanks.

Decaf, skinny latte for me, ta.

How much longer are you planning on observing me?

Assigning a child's custody

is a duty I take very seriously, Tim.

And, um, Mum's hosting bridge night, so--

-You live with your parents? -Yeah.

Not ideal, particularly if you're bringing back

a lady-type, which I...usually am.

Plus Mum's incontinent, so, not the best aphrodisiac.

Not like your missus.

What, you're married?

Not met Judith?

She's my ex-wife.

-Oh. -She is knock out.

I mean, you're fine, of course, solidly above average,

but that one is something especial.

-Is that so? -She's not a nice person.

No, she's a savage, isn't she?

Untamed.

You just want to--

Thank you.

I'm just gonna go check on Marcus.

Maybe you'd like to think about, um, leaving.

Or charades?

♪

This is easy.

Look at me, I'm Nick.

I can do silly tricks on a bicycle.

(knocking)

Marcus?

You okay, what are you doing?

Did you want something?

Yes, I want you to come downstairs

and say goodnight to Elaine before you go to bed.

You're such a clichè.

(door closing)

Uh, Elaine?

Hello?

Why don't you come and sit by me?

♪

Where's...(cough)... where's Owen?

He had to go.

So, um, it's just you and me.

It would seem that way.

I want to get to know you much, much better.

-Okay. -Good night.

Hey, Marcus.

-You've--off to bed? -Obviously.

Okay, well, you sleep excellently

and, um, I will see you very soon,

in the morning, in fact.

Um, around a quarter to breakfast.

Good night, Elaine.

Marcus.

You think he suspected anyth--

Like what?

I don't know, like--

♪

(keyboard clicking)

Can I help you?

Elaine types.

-Oh, yeah? -Mmm.

She's got lovely, long slender, delicate fingers.

That's nice for her.

Elaine's right handed.

Is she now?

She said the funniest thing this morning.

Something about, what was it, about, um,

Marmite.

(laughing)

No, it wasn't, it was, um, oh, what was it?

Oh, oh, uh, absolutely hilarious.

Classic Elaine.

That's quite a story.

Isn't it great that we've both found someone?

-Yeah. -You know what, I've got it.

The four of us should go and have lunch.

Oh, I don't think that's--

Portis, the four of us,

next week, lunch.

Yeah, sure, sounds fun.

-Settled then. -Yay.

You're gonna love Elaine.

She is so sweet and kind, I was just saying that...

Can I help you?

Who are you?

You must be Judith.

Do I know you?

No, but I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Elaine.

You a friend of Tim's?

A friend?

Yes, I guess you could say that.

Would you like to come in, I'm making breakfast.

No, no, I was just dropping off

my old bicycle helmet for Marcus.

Oh, he's such a sweet, delightful boy.

We've been getting on brilliantly.

He actually called me Mummy the other day.

But I'm his mother.

Of course you are.

Well, I guess we both are.

I must go.

Make sure he gets that.

He'll get it, all right.

Oh, here it is.

You nearly ready?

-Tim's going in late today. -What?

I haven't finished with him yet.

You're so naughty.

Tim, you said you'd take me.

We've got hockey practice this morning.

(giggling)

Look at him.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Why?

With his silly outfit.

(laughing)

It is a silly outfit, isn't it?

My name's Chris and I'm 30,

but I like playing games with ickle childwen.

That's actually quite a funny voice.

And as for you.

Yeah.

What can we say about him?

He's a bit fat.

♪

Fatty.

And he lives with his incontinent mother.

He really does.

That is hilarious and factually accurate,

so double sussed.

Why do they have to be so cruel?

Are you gonna take me, or not?

Not.

I'll take you.

I don't want to stay here a minute longer.

Plus I've got to get my mum some more Imodium.

-Who's my big boy? -I am.

Yes, you are, yes you are, who's my big--

♪

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I haven't seen you for a while.

No, sorry, I've got a lot going on at home presently.

How is Elaine?

She's, uh, she's good, yeah.

Yeah, good.

-How've you been? -Me?

Good, very, very good, actually.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm having a really good time at the moment.

Things are going really well, you know,

loving my job, great social life,

and, um, really supportive friends.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, uh, it is, and I'm-- I'm in a good place...

right now.

And, um, taking a bit of me time.

Yeah, I'm pleased.

Yeah.

I should probably--

Yeah, sure, it's all yours.

Okay.

And, um...

Really great to see you again.

You too.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, you've forgotten your, um--

What is this?

♪

(bell tinkling)

Um, excuse me.

Which one of these has the greatest distance

between the ground contact point and the steering access?

-What? -I'm looking for something

with a low torque ratio, but a high center of mass

for increased stability.

That one there.

-This one here? -Yeah.

This bicycle has all the properties I asked for?

Yeah.

I'm impressed by your knowledge of the merchandise.

I would like to take out fully comprehensive cover.

Can you arrange that?

No problem.

♪

It doesn't work.

I think I might have just the thing for you.

♪

Thank you for coming.

-Can I get you something? -No, nothing, thank you.

I know you and I haven't always got on.

-No. -I've always thought of you

as a satanic demon who ripped out Tim's heart

and crushed his soul.

And I think of you as a supercilious

manipulative drain on society,

whose arrogance is matched only by his appalling dress sense.

Right.

But I think we can both agree

we've got a real problem on our hands with Elaine.

Yes.

We used to be so close.

I know.

You've met Tim's boss before?

Briefly, good to see you.

You know, he used to make me feel--

What's the word I'm looking for?

-Superior? -Yes.

-Good about myself. -Exactly.

And now she has stolen him away from us.

-Given him the-- -Don't say it.

Self-esteem.

Oh, God, no.

It's okay, let it out.

The point is, what can we do about it?

What do we even know about her?

Well, I've heard-- on the grapevine, of course--

that, um, she used to be in the witness protection program.

Apparently she snitched on this organized crime syndicate.

I'm starting to feel sorry for her now.

Don't be, no, no, no.

My understanding is that she is the most, um,

violent of them all.

I have a plan that I think might work.

Okay, let's get on it.

We haven't got a moment to lose.

Absolutely.

-I'm gonna have lunch first. -Oh, yeah.

-I'm starving. -Club sandwich is good.

Yeah, I'm trying to keep off wheat.

I thought you were looking thinner.

Uh, could we have the wine list, please?

So, so what part of Colombia are you from?

-Barranquilla. -Sounds magical.

Why did you leave?

Didn't want to be a drug mule no more.

I love animals.

You are funny.

You must really love the children.

I guess I do.

-Sir! -Not now.

I mean, what is it, you little scamp?

Mr. Goddard hasn't turned up for hockey practice.

Okay--so, Barranquilla.

But, sir?

We've got a match against St. Joseph's this afternoon.

We really need the practice.

Perhaps I can watch you play?

Ooh, well.

So, what's it like working with this hunk?

-Stop it. -I will not.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yes, he is.

Yes, you are.

Don't you just want to eat this lovely face?

Arrgh.

(chomping noises)

Maybe not as a starter.

(laughing)

Oh, am I embarrassing you in front of your friends?

Um, well.

Silly squirrel.

We just have this really amazing connection, you know.

Oh, yes, it's like me and him.

What are you--oh, right.

Our relationship is getting very serious again.

-It is? -Oh, shush, you.

Women are allowed to be mysterious.

It's what makes us so endlessly fascinating.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

Yeah, sure.

Um--

So...

How serious is serious?

Well, let's just say we are thinking

about taking the big leap.

-Did you hear that, baby? -Yeah.

At this rate, they're gonna beat us down the aisle.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Well, come on.

It's not like we haven't talked about it.

Um, kind of is.

But I thought you were out of here

once you got your new identity.

Oh, well, that's before I met my guy.

Or should I say my spy.

Right, order for me, sweetie.

I'm going for a poo.

She seems nice.

She's odd, isn't she?

-Dude, she is certifiable. -Yeah.

Tim, you have to get rid of her.

I see that now.

Is it rude if we leave before she comes back?

-I don't think so. -No way.

♪

(dog barking)

I think it's down there.

You could have told me where we were going.

I would have changed.

Why are you dressed like that anyway?

You only wear that when you're trying to flirt.

I don't know what you mean.

Can I help you with something?

We're looking for Keith.

Keith don't know no one.

What terrible grammar.

We were told he worked here.

Yeah, well, you was told wrong, Xanadu.

We have information about Elaine Whiting.

We know where she is

and we really don't care where she goes.

♪

(kids playing)

Doh!

Surprise.

Oh, did I fwighten you?

A little bit.

Good, because I'm a teenie weenie bit cross with you.

Oh, really?

Yes, you left me all alone in that horrid restaurant.

Did I?

Oh, silly me.

Oh, I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached.

Well, you better not do that when we're married

or it might not be attached very much longer.

-Okay? -Okay.

Hey, while we're on the whole marriage thing,

um, looking forward to it immensely, obviously.

Um, we have only known each other a week.

And?

Do you not think that maybe

we should wait a little while?

You know, just to be absolutely sure

that we are perfectly suited

and that one of us isn't, I don't know, a psychopath.

It almost sounds as if you don't want to get married.

Are you kidding?

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm just gonna pop out and get some air, all right?

(gag)

Okay, yeah.

(door opening)

Okay.

Here I go.

♪

You told them I was here.

What, who, who are they?

Dead men, and so are you.

♪

Okay, look, this is--we can--

Guys?

Can't we just think about honeymoons and Hawaii

and nice things like that?

Totally, you know, thinking I still--

Okay.

Guys?

♪

Guys!

Look!

♪

Get on!

♪

Go!

(smack)

♪

That's for hockey practice, bitch.

(brakes squealing)

Thanks.

♪

Are you okay?

Yes, thank you.

♪

Oh.

What's that for?

I just wanted to say sorry for acting like a knob.

You didn't.

I did.

You did, a bit.

Thank you.

I think I just enjoyed having a girlfriend, you know?

Yeah.

Man, what's up with my teeth today?

(sucking)

♪

All righty.

Well, that was all.

Oh, by the way, what happened to Elaine?

Um, don't know, actually.

Boss said he was sorting it out.

Ooh, is that a gun or are you just pleased to see me?

(giggling)

It's a gun.

Rawr.

♪