Original subtitles

Stuffed.

You want that?

Your half-dribbled sausage?

Yeah, well.

♪

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

What do you mean, it's not goodbye.

Custody hearing is not till this afternoon.

I know, but I think we both know it's all over.

-It's not over. -It's over.

Tell him it's not over.

Nah, it's definitely over.

I would like to say that I've enjoyed

this time we spent together--

Oh, me too, I know we haven't--

No, please, let me finish.

I would like to say that, but I can't.

I still find you a staggeringly habitudeness individual.

Yeah, right, well, that's not even a word, so.

You don't know what "habitudeness" means?

No, Marcus, no one does.

Oh, dear, well, anyway, as they say on L.A. Law,

"See you in court."

-What a tool. -Shut up!

-Just shut up! -What's your problem?

Do you have any idea what it's like to face losing a child?

My parents only died when I was six,

so no, please do tell me some more about abandonment.

Your parents live in Sussex.

Well, we don't speak.

No, you don't speak, Chris,

because you're incapable of having an adult relationship!

I've worked my behind off to improve my life.

I don't have a quarter of you're intelligence.

An eighth, probably.

And what do you do with all this talent?

Nothing.

You waste it away on a crappy dead end job

picking stupid fights with stupid customers.

And do you want to know why?

-No. -Because you're scared.

And it's so much easier, isn't it,

just to reject everything, everyone, life, before life

rejects you?

Oh, sorry, I drifted off at the end there.

-Get out. -Fine.

You're the last person I need around me today!

You know what?

Marcus is right.

You are habitudeness.

Yeah, well, I still don't know what that word means!

♪

Scan in progress.

I'm telling you, every time.

Identified: Tim Elliott.

See--what, no!

Serious, that's never happened before.

Identified: Tim Elliott.

Okay, gang, here we go.

Final exams!

Come on, start taking your places.

Tim, a quick word.

-Sir! -I have a proposition for you.

I am very grateful, but I don't want to go on holiday with you.

No, no, no, not that, no.

Every year, we send one of our new recruits

on secondment with the CIA, in exchange

for one of their guys.

You thought of me?

What do you say?

Well, I can't give you an answer right now,

I got my son's custody hearing this afternoon.

About that,

are you sure you don't want my people to...

(makes gun-cocking, gunshot sounds)

...you know?

Absolutely positive.

Okay, consider it done.

-What, no! -No?

-No! -But I thought you said--

Listen to me very carefully:

Do not shoot my ex-wife.

Is that understood?

Relax!

But apart from the kid, you're good to go?

Give you an answer by the end of the day.

Okay.

But the ferry in Tenerife is booked if you change your mind.

-Never going to happen. -Perfect, let me know.

♪

What did he want?

No, it was nothing.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, turn over your papers.

♪

(applause)

-Terrific. -Bravo!

Wasn't too much?

-No way. -Definitely not.

I don't want to alienate the judge.

Trust me, the court will lap it up.

So, what's next?

What do you reckon?

Tim's cross-ex?

No, I think we need to do more work

in Judith's examination in chief.

I agree.

Okay, we got a case to win, people!

♪

Do you mind?

Well, I was sitting here first.

Yeah.

Unbelievably rude.

-Sausage? -No, thanks.

Seems like a lifetime ago that we first sat here.

Yeah, and to think we now know

137 different ways to kill people.

We do, and not just innocent bystanders.

Even the occasional bad guy.

Absolutely.

How do you think the hearing will go?

Well, you met Paula.

Right.

I'm sure Marcus wants to stay

with you more then he lets on.

Yeah, I woke up this morning

with him nailing a farewell banner to my roof.

You sure you don't want me to come with you?

No, I'm fine.

I could poison some of the witnesses.

That's very sweet but no, really.

Hey, shouldn't you get going?

Yes, yes.

I...

Yeah, damn.

-What? -Nothing, it can wait.

No, go on, what is it?

Okay, there's something I wanted to say.

To ask you, really.

Yeah?

Okay, okay.

Um...yeah, no.

Oh, it...

okay, no, so.

Okay, well yeah, no, the thing is--

I think I know what the thing is.

-You do? -Yeah.

No, um... I've been wanting to say,

ask the same thing.

-Really? -Really.

'Cause that--that's good, then.

It is good, isn't it?

So can we talk, later?

-Absolutely. -You promise?

Promise.

Now go, you'll be late.

Oh, no, yeah, yeah.

I don't--I'm not sure if I care.

Tim, go.

Okay.

Good luck.

♪

Need any help?

Yes, these scanners...

-Oh, it's you. -Sorry?

-You stay away from me. -Do I know you?

So easy to mock me, isn't it, Mr. Smarty Pants?

Just because I don't know exactly which scanner to buy.

Well, the XR-10 is a good model.

Oh, is it?

Is it?

Ah, well, bad luck,

'cause I'm not falling for your cynical ruse.

No, honestly, it's our bestseller.

How dare you?

I'm a strong, independent man.

I control my environment.

How...

are you even listening to me?

No.

♪

Good luck!

Court rise!

No way.

Are you kidding?

That is hilarious.

(laughs)

That's madness, yeah.

Listen though, I should, uh, oi, mate!

Yeah, take care.

Bye.

Bye-bye, bye, bye.

Yeah.

Wednesday, yeah.

Looking forward to.

Okay, bye, bye.

That was David, it was just, um, no, it doesn't matter.

Okey-doke, everyone here?

Yes, sir.

Crikey, you don't have many supporters.

No, sir.

A bit screwed, aren't you?

I am now.

(door opens)

Wait!

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Elliott's counselor.

Christopher Cecil Pitts-Goddard.

son of the Right Honorable Lord, Hugh DeMansley Goddard.

"Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife."

Sorry, I'm a bit over-excited.

Cecil?

Is this correct?

Is Mr. Pitts-Goddard your counselor?

Yes, sir.

Marvelous, let's get this party started!

Bang, Mr. Wilkes, shoot.

Take all the time you need.

I'm sorry, this is just such a difficult time for me.

A mother forced to battle for the love of her son.

It's awful.

It's so, so awful.

Shame on you, sir!

With respect, Your Honor.

My client, being the father, is equally distraught

at having to negotiate for the affection of his only son.

Yes, forgotten that, it's a good point.

One all.

-How am I doing? -I'm sorry?

I'm a bit out of practice.

I've been off for 10 months

travelling 'round Indonesia with the family.

Tremendously rich country culturally.

-You been? -No, not yet.

Mr. Goddard?

Oh, um, I was an aid worker

in the Palangkaraya district in '98.

Really?

Get on with it, Mr. Wilkes.

Idiot.

Please, could you tell your findings

to the court, Ms. Abdul.

Your name is Paula Abdul?

Over the several weeks that I worked with the family,

it became increasingly clear to me that Mr. Elliott

was not capable of forming the emotional bonds necessary

to be a satisfactory guardian for Marcus.

And so it's your recommendation

that Marcus ought to live with his mother?

Absolutely.

With immediate effect!

Blimey, that rather bollixes up your case, doesn't it?

Ms. Abdul, would you please remove your shirt?

-What? -I object!

Mr. Goddard, I like to relax as much as the next man,

but this is hardly the time.

If you will indulge me, sir, I will prove beyond doubt

that Paula Abdul is, in fact, obsessed with my client,

and as a result of him consistently

rejecting her advances, she is now seeking to punish him

in the most grotesque way imaginable.

Nonsense.

Your Honor, I strongly object to this!

Come on, off with it.

-What? -Don't you get uptight.

I tell you what, so you don't feel persecuted,

I'll take my top off, too.

Doesn't get any fairer than that, eh?

♪

May I get dressed now?

What were you thinking?

Turn around, please.

♪

Oh, bloody hell!

Wow!

He's dead inside.

He doesn't know how to love!

Yeah, well your evidence is like totally whatever right now.

This is ridiculous!

Your Honor, Tim cannot offer the balanced

home life that Marcus needs.

Philip and I would provide the guidance of a father

and a mother.

Tim has no one in his life.

No wife, no girlfriend, he is incapable of love.

But, Your Honor, Tim is in love.

-Are you? -Am I?

Tim is in love with a woman he works with, Caitlin Banks.

Is this true?

I think so.

Sir, it is the best kind of love.

The kind of love you dare not admit

to yourself in case you're mistaken.

A love born out of a friendship and a trust.

A love of which you're not even aware,

until one day the very sight of her

causes all the oxygen in your lungs to escape,

leaving your heart a vacuum.

And so, it remains gasping

until resuscitated by a simple smile.

Tim is capable of love, sir.

Love for a woman, love for a friend,

and love for a son.

♪

(applause)

That was excellent!

And tell me, does this Caitlin,

does she reciprocate?

I don't know, I think so.

I haven't actually been able to tell her exactly how I feel.

-Well, you must! -Yes, sir.

-Now! -Right.

-Aren't we-- -No, I've heard enough.

-Your Honor! -Shut your face, Wilkes.

Now I'll consider this matter

and issue my judgment later today.

-Now go! -Thank you.

-Go! -Yes, right, no, going.

Yes!

♪

I still got it.

♪

Go get her, Tim!

(applause, cheering)

♪

Tim!

♪

Tim, this is Special Agent Portis.

"Special Agent"?

CIA.

-Call me Marian. -Why?

It's my name.

Your name is Marian?

Yeah, I know it's a little--

-Gay? -Unusual.

Sorry, just saying.

It's okay, sweetie, I heard 'em all before,

I'm sure he's just kidding around.

And if he isn't...

I'll have to kill him.

Terrific.

Why does he keep kissing her?

It's a remarkable story, isn't it?

Haven't told him yet?

-Tell me what? -Can I tell it?

No, Portis should.

No, you tell it, honey.

No, it's okay.

Tell me the damn story!

If you feel like it, I mean, I'm easy.

Well, um--

I was on a deniable black ops mission

in the Chenghuang district of Tibet

infiltrating the regional Chinese-backed administration.

United States government have been worried about

the Chinese economy.

Sorry can we just skip to the capture and brutal torture?

Well the good news is, I wasn't tortured.

(laughing)

You're just roughly groped.

What?

No.

Why would you say that?

Sorry, I thought that's what you meant.

Absolutely not.

Good, brilliant!

I was held in captivity,

unmolested, for about 20 months.

20 months.

Until I eventually escaped

and walked--

Walked!

--all the way to Nepal

and freedom.

I love that bit.

Incredible story, isn't it?

It's an incredible story, it really is.

It is particularly incredible

that I'm only hearing this for the first time now.

Portis was declared dead over a year ago.

Right, well, they were wrong about that, weren't they?

They sure were!

Sorry, so just to recap, um,

how exactly did you two become friends?

I'd say we have been more than friends.

(laughter)

How much more?

Well, we were--

We were engaged, Tim.

What?

They were engaged.

What do you think of that?

All I can think right now is--

(alarms)

We have an intruder in the building!

You know what to do, let's go!

♪

(knocking)

Come in!

♪

Is this a bad time?

Rats!

I don't know if you remember me from court.

Yes, of course, and I'm really

not allowed to discuss the case with you.

I understand, it's just I have some important new evidence

which I think you need to take into consideration.

What kind of evidence?

The best kind.

♪

Exhibit 34B, My Lord.

♪

I love my job so much.

Why are you being like this?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you angry with me?

Why would I be angry?

One of my work acquaintances has just been reunited

with the love of her life.

It's a glorious day!

He's not the love of my life.

Well, don't worry,

I'm sure he'll love himself enough for the both of you.

Stop it.

I thought he was dead.

He was my fiancé and he died.

Can't you see I'm going a little bit crazy here?

I really thought you of all people would understand.

God.

♪

How did the hearing go?

You were going to tell me something before.

-Tim. -What were you gonna tell me?

I don't remember, it's gone.

♪

Well, maybe it'll come back to you, eh?

Maybe.

♪

So, is he going to live with you?

Or you both going to move into his crystal fortress?

Don't be like that!

Sorry.

Seriously though,

is his cape machine-washable?

Urgh!

♪

All I can say is wow-wee.

And I assume I can expect

another favorable judgment from you?

Hm, oh, the case?

I'm afraid I've already written that.

What?

Sorry, didn't I make that clear?

I have already sent it up to the senior judge for sign-off.

I feel bad now.

(door opens)

♪

Please, don't hurt me!

What the hell are you doing?

-Caitlin? -You're pathetic.

No!

I'm preparing an ambush!

♪

-Slut. -Knob.

♪

Stop, police!

Don't move!

♪

It's okay, I've got him now.

Crisis over.

CIA baby, woo!

♪

So, let's see who've we got here.

(laughs)

Hey, hey!

That was tremendous fun.

Well done, everyone.

Thanks, Portis.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

was your final test,

and I'm delighted to say you've all passed.

Yeah!

Well, everyone except Jackson.

I never liked you, Jackson, get out of my sight.

But for you ladies and gentlemen, congratulations.

You are now all officially MI5 agents!

(cheering)

♪

-Congratulations. -Congratulations.

That was quite a--

Hey, sweetie, come over here!

I'm just telling the guys how I won my third Purple Heart.

-I should probably-- -Yeah.

♪

There is someone outside for you.

♪

-Hey! -Hi.

-Bad news. -Afraid so.

You still have custody of the little toad.

What, really?

-Yeah. -How come?

Well, in light of Paula's less then expert testimony,

I made a section 94 application to have the hearing nullified.

Yes!

I have no idea what that means.

It means that if you still want it,

Marcus will continue to live with you for the next six months

until a new and hopefully sane family council has had

a chance to assess you weirdoes.

That's great.

Listen, I have to say this, Tim.

It's highly unlikely you'll win permanent custody of Marcus.

So, you should consider now what's best for you,

as well as what's best for him.

Tim?

Yeah, no, I understand.

You never told me you're a lawyer.

I never told you a lot of things.

Oh, how did the exam go?

Yeah, I passed.

Congratulations!

Agent Elliott.

Nah, it isn't quite--

I'll see you later.

Word.

Chris!

Thanks.

♪

♪

You did well today.

Thank you, sir.

You look good with a weapon.

-Thanks. -Very arousing.

-Bit weird. -You have an answer for me?

Can I tell the CIA you're on your way?

Is he staying?

Portis, yeah.

He's attached to this branch for the foreseeable.

I think I have an answer for you.

Are you just going to stand there all day?

Put the suitcase down, you look like a demented bell boy.

All righty.

How was the holiday?

-It wasn't a holiday. -No, I know.

It was an archaeological dig

at the Mycenaean ruins of Atreus.

No, I know, I got the postcards.

I didn't send you anything.

Must have been Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

No offense, Philip!

-Kanéna próvlima. -What?

That's "No problem" in Greek.

Shut up, Philip.

What's for supper, Tim?

Uh, lamb tagine!

-I'm vegetarian. -Since when?

Since the meat industry started dealing in wanton barbarism.

Right.

Well, it is late,

I suppose you could just rustle me up

a celeriac and spinach quiche?

Yeah, I don't think I have any of those things.

You're seriously gonna make me live here again?

You know the deal, Marcus, hang in there,

it won't be for long.

Make a note of the quiche.

No quiche, check.

Sorry, kemosabe.

Come on, let's go.

Páre me tiléfono, eh?

-No. -No?

I can make you something else?

Forget it, I'll go around to Justine's.

I think they're having risotto alla Milanese tonight.

Right.

♪

Good to have you back, Marcus.

I only wish the feeling were mutual.

♪