Original subtitles

I hate you.

You hear me, I hate you.

You really think you could seduce my wife,

steal my son, and get away with it, huh?

With your ridiculous suits and your frobbety beard?

This world will be a better place with you gone.

♪

(water squirting)

And how does that make you feel?

A little blue, if I'm honest,

but I'm pleased that Tim

is finally sharing with the group.

We have to talk about Philip's feelings?

No offense, Philip.

You seem to have a lot of rage inside you.

You got rage from that?

I definitely did.

Must be the acoustics.

And, Marcus, what do you think?

I'm sorry?

What do you think about your daddy's behavior?

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying the slightest attention.

Does Daddy get angry a lot?

No.

Will you let Marcus answer?

No, he doesn't.

Bad luck.

Unless four or five times a week is a lot.

What?

Can you get that, there?

I'm sorry, Daddy, please don't beat me.

Please don't beat me.

He's--okay, that's very funny.

I don't get angry.

You seem pretty angry now.

No, I don't.

Please don't shout at me, Tim.

I'm not shouting.

He always does this.

Yes.

I think a lot of this rage--

No rage.

--derives from feelings of resentment towards Philip.

Oh, you poor thing.

So, that's something we need to work on.

What do we think would be a good goal?

I think they should hug.

Oh, that's a terrific idea.

Never gonna happen.

Or even a hug and a little kiss.

You seriously expect me to get up--

Hug and kiss, oh yes.

Well, of course you do, Paula.

But unfortunately for you, even Philip has no interest--

Come here, big guy.

All righty, I've got to get to work.

'Kay.

See you tonight.

Tonight?

Parent-teacher evening?

♪

Can I have a word?

♪

Why didn't you tell me

about the parent-teacher evening?

Why would I?

Because I'm a parent.

Well, technically.

No, not technically.

Tim, I don't want you at the parents evening.

Oh, you're ashamed of me, is that what you're saying?

I believe the fashionable expression is, duh.

But I could help you.

Tim, I've been scoring starred A's since I was 36 months.

I know, but--

This is not a battle you can win.

How can I put this most simply?

I'm the Persians at Thermopylae.

The Portuguese at Cochin.

Do you see what I'm saying?

You're Persian?

I'm saying I will win.

I always win.

I always get my way.

I'll be in the car.

♪

D'oh!

♪

Scan in progress.

Identified.

Low fat, organic tzatziki.

£2.73.

Uh, no, Tim Elliot.

Next customer, please.

(door sliding)

Okay, pay attention, people.

Who's seen one of these before?

Yeah, this is a personal microcomputer or PC computer.

Now, these machines have the capacity

to process literally thousands of numbers and letters

Excuse me, sorry.

Yeah.

I think, um, I think some of your technical information

might be a little bit out of date.

Right there, bang, look at him!

Because there is your Top Gun.

Only Tim, only Tim noticed that I have, in fact,

sprinkled some tiny factual inaccuracies

into my lecture.

You people are gonna have to raise your game

if you're gonna keep up with this guy.

Okay, so today we're gonna learn about computer hacking.

Firstly, no thinking.

Is hacking legal or illegal?

Yep.

-Illegal. -Wrong.

Wrong, go.

Illegal.

R-really?

Yeah.

I thought it was just frowned upon.

No.

Okay, well, just as well lay my fivers above the law.

Would you please stop interrupting?

So sorry, Mummington.

Once you've settled into which site you want to hack into,

start launching your XRF programs.

What's your target, son?

I'm attempting to crack into a secure cache

of orbital dominant images with high global significance.

You're hacking into celebrity surgical records.

Yes, I am.

Okay, five minutes, budge over.

(giggling)

What are you doing?

And so are you, pal.

Dear, only a B in Geography.

And, uh, what's this?

A C in history?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

You'll have to do better than that

if you're gonna run the IMF.

Just so I'm absolutely clear,

you do know you're sabotaging your own son's school grades?

Yup.

And you don't feel bad about that?

Just teaching him a little lesson.

That's actually quite good parenting,

if you think about it.

Now, English Language, uh...C, methinks.

Make it a D.

Well, if you're gonna do it properly.

D it is.

What are you doing?

Hacking into Johnny Depp's holiday photos?

Yeah, because that's what women do.

No, actually, the boss has asked me to infiltrate

an anarchist chatroom.

Yeah, look at you.

When you say holiday photos--no, never mind.

You're kidding.

No.

You changed his grades?

Yes.

He's gonna go ballistic.

I know!

And so what, you just hacked into the website?

You know, it's quite easy.

You can hack into almost anything.

Businesses, hospital records, bank accounts--

Bank accounts.

And businesses, and--cool.

Right, yeah.

It's all in the book.

(door closing)

Hey, here he is.

You're back early, how'd it go?

Not well.

But you always get starred A's.

I know I do, so you can imagine my surprise

when I discovered several of my grades

appear to have fallen below that standard.

Well, they can't be that bad.

Show me the report card.

You're treading on very thin ice, Tim.

Come on, let Daddy see.

♪

A C in history, I thought you liked history.

I devour history.

He devours history and yet a C.

Ouch, and a B in German?

What's happened there?

(speaking German)

Ya, I can vell imagine.

Looks like you've got a little bit

of knuckling down to do, young man.

Maybe I can help with your homework,

you know, if you're struggling.

(gasp)

A D in English Language?

Stop it.

It says it here, English Language grade, D.

It's your native tongue.

Too far, Tim.

You went too far.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

There'll be consequences.

You can count on it.

Why don't you count on it, Mister C in maths?

♪

-I should head. -Okay.

You're not worried about him taking his revenge, are you?

No.

Little bit, yeah.

I suggest you sleep with the door locked tonight.

(laughing)

No, seriously.

No, I'm gonna, absolutely.

Night-night.

♪

(coins shaking)

Where were you last night?

What are you doing?

I waited up, but you didn't come home.

I don't--

No, don't tell me, you were working late.

I don't live with you.

You lost track of time.

I don't live with you.

Oh, the car broke down.

I don't live with you.

Don't you get it?

We could make a life together,

a life built on truth and honesty.

Wow.

But if you don't care enough even to fight for us,

then maybe we should just call it quits.

Yeah, let's do that.

It's your choice.

I think we should call it quits.

Whatever you say.

I say call it quits.

I'm not a mind reader, Tim.

You're gonna have to open up to me eventually.

Oooo-kay.

Why don't you ju--

I wish I knew how to quit you.

(crying)

That's not what it looks like.

Still nothing?

Not a thing.

They're not very chatty bunch, these anarchists.

No, they're probably all out somewhere

doing anarchy.

Brilliant.

You should spice it up.

Draw 'em in with a bit of virtual flesh.

Yeah, all right.

I am so hot in here, aircon broken.

Nice.

Must take off shirt.

Dress.

Dress, good, yeah.

How did Marcus take his newly imposed mediocrity?

Not that well.

No.

So, you've changed it back.

Tim.

We've been summoned to his headmaster's office

this afternoon to, uh, discuss his grades.

I just wanna see his little Persian face.

-What? -Nothing.

(computer bleep)

And hi to you, Karl276.

♪

(keyboard clicking)

♪

Can you go and take the delivery?

-Mmmm. -James?

♪

Nosy.

(school bell ringing)

So, why do you think Marcus's grades

have dropped off?

I don't know.

Nothing to do with me and you can't prove a thing.

It's okay, Tim.

Parents often feel guilty

about their children's failures.

But they're completely innocent.

Completely.

How's his home life?

Are you serious?

Tim, this is just a routine conversation

between a concerned father and an education professional.

Mmm.

Well, if you must know.

Yeah.

Things haven't been going very well at home.

I see.

It's Marcus's mother.

Oh.

She's dating this guy who, between us, is a dick.

Right.

Well, let's try not to focus on--

He's really annoying.

And clingy.

You know the type, emotionally fragile,

mentally not quite right.

I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities.

He doesn't.

Perhaps he's a hilarious raconteur?

Or a surprisingly gifted salsa dancer?

No. No?

Nope.

Right.

He thinks he's funny,

but really people are just laughing at him.

What a fool.

Yeah, and as for the dancing.

Well, I mean, to be honest,

he just doesn't have the hips for salsa.

How dare you?

These hips were born to swing to the rhythm of the bongo.

I thought you were just an education professional?

An education professional with Cuban lightning

coursing through his veins.

You've gone too far this time, Tim,

too far!

All righty, I take it this meeting is over.

♪

What are you doing here?

I thought you had double entry bookkeeping this evening?

I did.

And?

I've been suspended.

What?

What for?

Philip said you'd know why.

Philip.

What have you done, Tim?

Nothing.

(ball bouncing on wall)

Marcus?

You know you have to come out sometime.

Even if it's just to eat.

I know you miss being at school,

do you want to talk about it?

I'm gonna get you back in, I promise.

Marcus.

(ball hitting wall)

♪

Ha, ha, ha, you're dead, you're dead, you're dead.

(laughing)

♪

Ah, Tim.

That's not loaded, is it?

Uh, no.

Sorry, sir, I need to ask you for a few more days off.

You've already had a week off, Tim.

I know, I have a domestic situation I need to deal with.

I see.

What?

Why didn't you say so?

What's her name?

Who?

The girl, you dirty squirrel.

There's no girl.

In the family way, is she?

Of course, she is.

No, what, no, it's my son.

He's, he's been suspended from school.

No ladies involved?

Absolutely not, sir, I swear.

Well, in that case, I'm sorry, Tim,

I can't give you any more time off.

You'll fall too far behind on your training.

There must be someone who can help out.

(gun cocking)

Mmm.

Uh, until what time?

Oh, go on, then.

Okay, okay, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Bye, bye.

(engine roaring)

He'll be fine.

Of course.

Look, there are plenty of worse people

you could leave Marcus with.

Yeah, you're right.

Like who?

Not one.

Yeah!

Here we--ho!

Hey, hut!

He's off his willy.

♪

On today's show, brothers at war.

You owe me 600 quid!

(bleep)

drunk can be--

You're (bleep) benefits!

And you're so far 600--

(muffled TV)

(laughing)

What are you watching?

Only television, genius.

How can you watch this dross?

The guy on the right is sleeping with the girl.

So?

The girl is married to the guy on the left.

Boring.

The girl is the sister of the guy on the right.

Go on.

The guy on the left

is the brother of the guy on the right.

Shut up!

They're siblings.

And they're about to bring out the dad,

who is gay and sleeping with the uncle.

Her fiancé who she claims, drinks excessively,

does nothing around the house,

and has even been violent to her on numerous occasions.

Your theories on dollar redistribution v interesting.

Thanks.

Are you cute, too?

Maybe.

Is there a Mr. Strike1886?

♪

Not yet.

Good.

What are you into?

You first.

Theater.

Golf.

Spanking.

Spanking?

What, oh, come on?

Strike1886?

Karl276?

You make me sick.

Wait.

Stay away from me.

I was joking.

I was joking.

I can explain!

I have a weapon.

--has a second home in France and is proud of the French--

So, what do we think?

Very sharp.

I think so, too.

That was a wonderful shopping excursion.

Yes.

How do you have such an expensive car

on such a modest salary?

It's complicated.

Did you consolidate your debts

into one easy to manage monthly payment?

Something like that.

So, what's next?

I suppose you want to watch Countdown.

A quiz, boring, what else is there?

Well, I'd normally suck into another one of these.

Brilliant!

What the hell's going on?

Oh, Tim, have you seen this show?

Yes, yeah, it's rubbish.

How can you say that?

Look how wise and majestic he is.

What are you wearing?

I know.

My trousers actually have toweling material inside them.

I might literally beat you to death.

Don't do it here, do it on the show!

Have you eaten anything today?

Plenty, thank you.

You don't look very well.

That's not organic chicken, you know that?

(vomiting)

I was actually still eating that.

She's in with him now.

You've really done it this time.

Can I go see him?

Best not, he's sleeping now.

How is he?

Not good, I'm afraid.

This is gonna play out beautifully in court.

I tried reading to him,

but his body is just too weak to digest

19th century post-industrial literature.

And you tried Elizabeth Gaskell?

Yes.

No response.

I can't wait to tell Paula all about this.

I took my eyes off him for one moment.

I should go.

Yeah, sorry.

Thank you, Justine.

I'll check on him again in the morning.

Ah, this is perfect.

I will fix it, first thing.

♪

(singing in Spanish)

(knocking)

Yes.

♪

Hiya.

Hello.

♪

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Uh-huh.

May I, uh--

-No. -All right.

Philip, I wanted to apologize for the other day.

I think we both said some things that we regret.

I didn't.

Just me, then.

I am sorry that I called you unfunny and clingy.

And a dick.

You remember that.

Whoops.

And I am also sorry if I suggested

that your hips were not designed for salsa,

when it is clear to see that they are perfectly engineered

to invoke the Latin beat.

Yes, well, thank you.

I won't pretend that your words did not wound,

but I know that at heart, we are very dear friends.

Yeah, so with that in mind, uh, I wondered if, if--

I wondered if you'd consider re-admitting Marcus.

Well, under the circumstances,

I am prepared to re-admit Marcus.

Really, well, that's-- that's great.

Thank you.

Now, if only we can find a way

to mark this milestone in our friendship.

-Forget it. -What?

I'm not hugging you, Philip.

No, you're right.

Must be wonderful having him at home all the time.

(gulp)

One hug.

But no kissing.

Of course, no kissing.

I mean it.

I never even wanted to kiss.

What is wrong with you?

Sorry, got confused.

Unbelievable!

Let me know about Cirque du Soleil.

♪

I didn't kiss anyone.

-What? -What?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

Why would anything be wrong with me?

I'm absolutely fine.

What's wrong with you, if anything?

Excuse me for breathing.

Sorry, I've just, uh,-- bit of a bad morning.

(spitting)

Oh, is Marcus still not well?

No, he's--he's doing better, thanks.

He, uh, watched a documentary this morning

on quantitative easing, so...

Well, that's good.

I think?

Yeah, I should probably put his school records straight.

Yeah.

What happened to you?

Ha ha ha, clumsy me.

Got to be more careful in future.

I definitely will.

♪

What?

Nothing.

Am I doing something stupid?

No.

♪

♪

How you feeling?

Juvenescent.

Right.

♪

Listen, I'm sorry you got suspended from school.

Why are you sorry, Tim?

It wasn't your fault, was it?

No.

No, I--

I do feel responsible in a strikingly indirect way.

Listen, I promise,

I'll never interfere in your academic career again.

Never.

No parent-teacher evenings?

Especially no parent-teacher evenings.

Okay, then.

♪

Oh, and Tim?

Yeah?

I told you, I always get my way.

(sirens blaring)

(rapping on window)

I think I'm in a spot of trouble.

I don't supposed you can amend criminal convictions, can you?

Thanks, mate, I really appreciate this.

I owe one for--

Tim, Tim, whoa whoa whoa whoa.

You're still angry and I understand that,

but it--

Marcus?

Hey, buddy!

Remember who bought you the clothes,

it was Uncle Chris, wasn't it?

You're an accomplice!

I'll tell them it was your-- evening, officers.

♪

You let me know if you need more jasmine tea.

Will do.

(Chris yelling outside)

♪