All language subtitles for Little Britain USA S01E05 Episode 5

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,193 --> 00:00:11,697 Britain and America, the two most respected countries in the world. 2 00:00:11,732 --> 00:00:15,283 That we also have the most weapons is purely coincidental. 3 00:00:15,318 --> 00:00:18,303 And yet, there are many differences between us. 4 00:00:18,338 --> 00:00:21,289 You have no idea what art and literature are. 5 00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:24,215 We have no idea what Hannah Montana is. 6 00:00:24,250 --> 00:00:27,343 You know nothing of manners or social etiquette. 7 00:00:27,378 --> 00:00:31,424 We are unfamiliar with Chuck E Cheese's Pizza Emporiums. 8 00:00:31,459 --> 00:00:35,471 But the people of our two nations also share so much, 9 00:00:35,506 --> 00:00:37,645 as we are about to find out. 10 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,691 It's time for Little Britain USA. 11 00:00:41,726 --> 00:00:44,312 One of the most popular pastimes in Britain, 12 00:00:44,347 --> 00:00:47,249 after dog-fighting 13 00:00:47,284 --> 00:00:50,117 is transvestism. 14 00:00:50,152 --> 00:00:52,528 Excuse me! I did not steal a dress! 15 00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:54,870 I was merely trying it on for size, 16 00:00:54,905 --> 00:00:58,285 forgot to take it off and walked out of the store. Silly me! 17 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,037 - Tell it to the judge. - Unhand me, you brute! 18 00:01:01,072 --> 00:01:04,707 Rape, rape, lady rape! Oh, oh! 19 00:01:04,742 --> 00:01:06,333 ENGINE STARTING 20 00:01:07,459 --> 00:01:09,885 At this police station in Pittsburgh, 21 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:14,259 British transvestite Emily Howard has found himself in a spot of bother. 22 00:01:14,294 --> 00:01:15,885 You need to do your mug shots. 23 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,768 Wonderful! 24 00:01:17,803 --> 00:01:20,222 Face the camera, please, sir. 25 00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:22,892 Turn to your left. 26 00:01:23,976 --> 00:01:26,249 Turn to the right. 27 00:01:26,284 --> 00:01:28,523 Oooooh, fashion! 28 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:34,049 OK, name? 29 00:01:34,084 --> 00:01:35,905 Emily Howard. 30 00:01:38,657 --> 00:01:40,117 Eddie Howard. 31 00:01:41,242 --> 00:01:42,334 Sex? 32 00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:43,995 We've only just met! 33 00:01:44,030 --> 00:01:45,211 Gender. 34 00:01:45,246 --> 00:01:48,793 Well, how utterly absurd! I'm a lady. I do ladies' things. 35 00:01:50,126 --> 00:01:52,052 Male. 36 00:01:52,087 --> 00:01:53,379 Marital status? 37 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:57,724 Many proposals from eligible gentlemen, 38 00:01:57,759 --> 00:01:59,802 but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet. 39 00:02:01,012 --> 00:02:03,389 Wife and three kids. 40 00:02:06,184 --> 00:02:07,644 OK, you're allowed one phone call. 41 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:13,191 DIALLING 42 00:02:13,226 --> 00:02:15,152 RINGING TONE 43 00:02:16,945 --> 00:02:18,822 Hello, Tommy? 44 00:02:18,857 --> 00:02:20,508 It's Daddy. 45 00:02:20,543 --> 00:02:22,124 Is Mummy there? 46 00:02:22,159 --> 00:02:26,912 No. Well, can you tell Mummy Daddy's been arrested? 47 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:31,626 He's in a police station and he's wearing a dress... 48 00:02:31,661 --> 00:02:34,254 but there's nothing to worry about. 49 00:02:34,289 --> 00:02:35,964 OK. Bye. 50 00:02:37,881 --> 00:02:38,924 MOUTHING 51 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:45,890 It is a widely known fact that 90% of Americans cannot write their own name. 52 00:02:45,925 --> 00:02:47,857 Just watering this plant. 53 00:02:47,892 --> 00:02:51,520 But the top minds in the country attend universities like this one. 54 00:02:51,555 --> 00:02:53,021 KNOCKING Come in! 55 00:02:55,191 --> 00:02:56,239 Hey, Linda. 56 00:02:56,274 --> 00:02:59,779 - Hello, Steven. Take a seat. - Sure. 57 00:03:00,905 --> 00:03:02,990 So... 58 00:03:04,116 --> 00:03:05,666 How can I help you? 59 00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:06,834 Well, all I need to know 60 00:03:06,869 --> 00:03:10,373 is when my essay on contemporary African-American playwrights is due in. 61 00:03:10,408 --> 00:03:14,335 I'm not sure. I'll call Martin and find out. 62 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,805 Martin, it's Linda. 63 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,636 I've got a student here, needs to know when his essay is due in. 64 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:24,727 Yeah. 65 00:03:24,762 --> 00:03:28,682 Steven, Steven Morrow. The grad student. You know Steven. 66 00:03:28,717 --> 00:03:31,441 Um, how can I describe him? 67 00:03:31,476 --> 00:03:35,229 Er, black hair, nice jazzy waistcoats. 68 00:03:35,264 --> 00:03:36,523 Puts you in mind of a Hobbit. 69 00:03:38,232 --> 00:03:39,860 Gets his clothes from Baby Gap. 70 00:03:40,902 --> 00:03:42,278 Would've made a fabulous Ewok. 71 00:03:44,156 --> 00:03:47,325 You know... AS GARY COLEMAN: "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" 72 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,918 That's the one, yeah. 73 00:03:49,953 --> 00:03:52,746 Yes, I did the face. Yes. Thanks. 74 00:03:52,781 --> 00:03:55,582 It's due in on Monday. 75 00:03:55,617 --> 00:03:56,583 Thanks. 76 00:03:59,294 --> 00:04:03,341 # Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo... # 77 00:04:08,387 --> 00:04:10,897 The best way for the American male 78 00:04:10,932 --> 00:04:15,770 to indulge his repressed homoerotic tendencies is to attend a gym. 79 00:04:16,938 --> 00:04:19,982 - Impressive shower. - Truly so. 80 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,363 Whoar! 81 00:04:27,398 --> 00:04:29,407 Whoar. 82 00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:38,631 Oooh! 83 00:04:38,666 --> 00:04:40,426 Man, that is funny! 84 00:04:40,461 --> 00:04:44,672 Whoa! Don't you dare do that to me after I've just done that to you. 85 00:04:44,707 --> 00:04:46,258 - Whoa! - Whoa! 86 00:04:46,293 --> 00:04:49,017 LAUGHING 87 00:04:49,052 --> 00:04:50,721 - Whoa! - Whoa! 88 00:04:51,929 --> 00:04:53,439 Whoa! 89 00:04:53,474 --> 00:04:54,892 Whoa, you've got a... 90 00:04:56,559 --> 00:04:58,735 GASPING 91 00:04:58,770 --> 00:04:59,937 Oh, you've got a... 92 00:04:59,972 --> 00:05:01,947 Ooh! 93 00:05:01,982 --> 00:05:05,110 Ah, ah, OK, don't worry, bro. 94 00:05:05,145 --> 00:05:06,952 It's all good. 95 00:05:06,987 --> 00:05:11,241 Just imagine you're taking a cold shower with Danny DeVito. 96 00:05:11,276 --> 00:05:14,834 BREATHING DEEPLY 97 00:05:14,869 --> 00:05:16,913 That's making it worse! 98 00:05:16,948 --> 00:05:19,081 Me too! 99 00:05:20,292 --> 00:05:25,337 One of the inmates at this boot camp in Utah is British teenager Vicky Pollard. 100 00:05:25,372 --> 00:05:27,847 Vicky has been getting into trouble all her life. 101 00:05:27,882 --> 00:05:31,468 Her first court appearance for assault was when she was two. 102 00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:35,472 Vicky Pollard! Are you trying to escape? 103 00:05:35,507 --> 00:05:38,190 Errrrm... 104 00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:43,362 No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, 105 00:05:43,397 --> 00:05:45,740 I'm not, because what happened was this whole thing happened 106 00:05:45,775 --> 00:05:48,568 what I don't even know nothing about cos I was, like, totally asleep 107 00:05:48,603 --> 00:05:51,196 and then all of a sudden I heard this little bird tweeting 108 00:05:51,231 --> 00:05:52,788 like it was stuck up on a fence or something 109 00:05:52,823 --> 00:05:55,499 so I climbed up here to save it and I got caught instead. 110 00:05:55,534 --> 00:05:58,502 But that's, like, typical of me because I'll do anything for animals 111 00:05:58,537 --> 00:06:01,630 cos I totally love them and I've only got one conviction for animal cruelty 112 00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:05,251 and that was only because I tied Bethany Ray's hamster to a firework and set it off 113 00:06:05,286 --> 00:06:07,428 and she called the police and said I killed it and I got done for it. 114 00:06:07,463 --> 00:06:09,924 But they never found the body so how could they prove it was hamster murder? 115 00:06:09,959 --> 00:06:12,641 seriously. 116 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:15,811 Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that. 117 00:06:15,846 --> 00:06:19,558 I've not never even tried to escape or nothing. I, like, totally love this place. 118 00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:21,942 You're so kind to us and you really look after us 119 00:06:21,977 --> 00:06:24,437 and you're always, like, making sure we're nice and clean. 120 00:06:24,472 --> 00:06:26,272 That must be why you always watch us take a shower. 121 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,366 We need to get you down 122 00:06:30,401 --> 00:06:33,842 and then I'm gonna take you straight to the head warden's office. 123 00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:37,283 Good! Good! Cos I was gonna go and see the head warden anyway 124 00:06:37,318 --> 00:06:39,083 because I'm gonna sue this place 125 00:06:39,118 --> 00:06:41,204 cos this barbed wire has totally ripped my leggings. 126 00:06:41,239 --> 00:06:43,712 because you tried to escape 127 00:06:43,747 --> 00:06:47,167 that your sentence will now be increased by another six months. 128 00:06:47,202 --> 00:06:48,384 I don't even care. 129 00:06:48,419 --> 00:06:51,130 You were due to be released tomorrow. 130 00:06:51,165 --> 00:06:52,756 Oh. 131 00:06:53,925 --> 00:06:55,724 OWL HOOTING 132 00:06:55,759 --> 00:06:58,178 That has actually shut me up. 133 00:06:59,389 --> 00:07:03,148 Ellie Grace is a typical, everyday American girl, 134 00:07:03,183 --> 00:07:07,041 except that she is played by a 34-year-old British man. 135 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:10,865 Now, I know you're gonna be very brave, Ellie Grace. 136 00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:14,528 Tonsils are teeny weeny. They're gonna be out before you know it. 137 00:07:14,563 --> 00:07:16,286 I know, Grandma. 138 00:07:16,321 --> 00:07:18,908 And when you're better, we're all gonna go to Disneyland. 139 00:07:18,943 --> 00:07:20,218 To where, dear? 140 00:07:20,253 --> 00:07:21,458 To Disneyland. 141 00:07:21,493 --> 00:07:25,225 Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Disneyland. Yes. 142 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:28,958 I love you, Grandma. I love you, Mom. 143 00:07:28,993 --> 00:07:31,291 We love you too, Ellie Grace. 144 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,917 I love you more than snowflakes. 145 00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:36,627 I love you more than sunshine. 146 00:07:36,662 --> 00:07:39,267 I love you more than ponies. 147 00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:41,491 I love you more than teddy bears. 148 00:07:41,526 --> 00:07:43,647 Oh! I love you more than cartoons. 149 00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:45,733 I love you more than ice cream. 150 00:07:45,768 --> 00:07:49,396 I love you more than interracial gang bangs. 151 00:07:51,814 --> 00:07:53,322 What did she say? 152 00:07:53,357 --> 00:07:54,949 I said I love you more than inter... 153 00:07:54,984 --> 00:07:59,447 We don't need to hear it again, Ellie Grace! Where did you get that from? 154 00:07:59,482 --> 00:08:03,875 Some of the older boys at school said they saw a DVD of men and women 155 00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:07,163 of different ethnic origins partaking in sexual intercourse with each other. 156 00:08:07,198 --> 00:08:09,838 Well, that stuff is just dirty, Ellie Grace. 157 00:08:09,873 --> 00:08:14,004 But I thought you said it was good if people from all races got along together. 158 00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:16,880 Yes, but not that well. 159 00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:18,566 What's all this? 160 00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:20,182 Oh, nothing, Mom. 161 00:08:20,217 --> 00:08:22,519 Hey, there's my brave girl! 162 00:08:22,554 --> 00:08:26,056 Are you ready now for your little operation? 163 00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:27,600 Sure I am. 164 00:08:37,776 --> 00:08:40,737 I love you more than Toy Story 2. 165 00:08:41,863 --> 00:08:44,095 I love you more than marshmallows. 166 00:08:44,130 --> 00:08:46,327 Oh, ha, I love you more than Snoopy. 167 00:08:46,362 --> 00:08:48,534 I love you more than cupcakes. 168 00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,706 I love you more than black cock. 169 00:08:50,741 --> 00:08:52,541 LIFT PINGS 170 00:08:55,628 --> 00:08:57,052 What was that, dear? 171 00:08:57,087 --> 00:08:59,632 I said, I love you more than black cock! 172 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,594 Takes after her old grandma! 173 00:09:07,556 --> 00:09:12,025 The number-one drink in Britain is boiling water. 174 00:09:12,060 --> 00:09:16,605 But in America, it is not uncommon to add some coffee beans, 175 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,442 hence the success of coffee-shop chains. 176 00:09:19,477 --> 00:09:21,535 .. Other than Starbucks. 177 00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:24,830 So this is the site of the first Starbucks in the district. 178 00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:29,556 We're always looking for other properties to expand the Starbucks franchise, 179 00:09:29,591 --> 00:09:34,248 so we've just bought this store and we're gonna turn it into a Starbucks. 180 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:37,299 - The store right next to the Starbucks. - That's right. 181 00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:41,131 Say you've just come out of this Starbucks and you want another Starbucks. 182 00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:43,473 - You can just go into this Starbucks. - OK! 183 00:09:43,508 --> 00:09:47,554 This store we've made an offer on, we thought it'd make the perfect site for... 184 00:09:47,589 --> 00:09:48,603 A Starbucks! 185 00:09:48,638 --> 00:09:51,396 The one right next to the other two Starbucks. 186 00:09:51,431 --> 00:09:54,810 That's right. Crucially, this Starbucks is different than the others. 187 00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,027 In what way, Steve? 188 00:09:56,062 --> 00:10:02,568 Well, Steve, we at Starbucks have had a lot of success 189 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,985 We sure have! 190 00:10:06,363 --> 00:10:10,076 So in this Starbucks we're gonna build a Starbucks. 191 00:10:10,111 --> 00:10:13,460 - A Starbucks in a Starbucks! - That's right. 192 00:10:13,495 --> 00:10:17,373 So now you won't have to leave Starbucks to enjoy Starbucks in your Starbucks. 193 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:21,676 Starbucks. 194 00:10:21,711 --> 00:10:24,214 Starbucks. Starbucks. 195 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,722 Starbu... 196 00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:27,134 ELECTRICAL CRACKLE 197 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:34,064 Our next stop is the Capitol Building in Washington DC. 198 00:10:34,099 --> 00:10:38,332 As in Britain, if you have a keen interest in dodgy share dealings 199 00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:42,531 and illicit sexual liaisons, you may like to become a politician. 200 00:10:42,566 --> 00:10:46,945 Please, please. The senator would now like to make a statement. Thank you. 201 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:53,243 On Thursday evening, after a meeting with the Secretary of State, 202 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:56,961 I was driving home to my beloved wife and children 203 00:10:56,996 --> 00:11:01,459 when I saw an Afro-Caribbean lady standing by the side of the road 204 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:05,713 in what I am now told is a notorious red-light district. 205 00:11:07,715 --> 00:11:11,344 As it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and being a responsible citizen, 206 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,513 I thought the lady might appreciate a ride home, 207 00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:16,766 so I invited her into my car. 208 00:11:18,392 --> 00:11:21,069 It was an unseasonably warm evening 209 00:11:21,104 --> 00:11:23,981 so we both decided to take off all our clothes. 210 00:11:25,608 --> 00:11:29,612 It then became clear to me that the lady was in fact a transsexual. 211 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:37,460 By which I mean a person, usually a Democrat, 212 00:11:37,495 --> 00:11:42,228 Then myself and the transsexual, or Raymond, as he is known, 213 00:11:42,263 --> 00:11:46,676 climbed onto the back seat to engage in a bout of wrestling. 214 00:11:46,711 --> 00:11:51,090 My wife will vouch for me. I'm a keen fan of contact sports. 215 00:11:54,219 --> 00:11:56,018 I then became hungry. 216 00:11:56,053 --> 00:12:03,312 I went to take a bite of what I fatally assumed was a big, black hot dog. 217 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,737 At that moment the police arrived. 218 00:12:05,772 --> 00:12:08,734 Thank you so much. That is all I have to say. Thank you. Thank you. 219 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:12,028 CLAMOUR OF QUESTIONS 220 00:12:16,073 --> 00:12:19,014 Americans like to holiday in their own country, 221 00:12:19,049 --> 00:12:21,955 which suits the rest of the world just fine. 222 00:12:24,998 --> 00:12:27,105 Lovely afternoon, isn't it? 223 00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:29,177 Oh, beautiful. So warm. 224 00:12:29,212 --> 00:12:33,716 - Pardon me. Anyone sitting here? - What? Uh, no, please, take a seat. 225 00:12:33,751 --> 00:12:35,224 - Thank you so much. - Go right ahead. 226 00:12:35,259 --> 00:12:38,429 - Great hotel. - Oh, yes. We come here every year. 227 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,432 - So do we. We love it here. - Where are you folks from? 228 00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:44,202 - We're from North Carolina. - Oh, how funny! So are we. 229 00:12:44,237 --> 00:12:46,938 Oh. We're from a little place in New Hanover County. 230 00:12:46,973 --> 00:12:48,904 - So are we. - Oh, funny! 231 00:12:48,939 --> 00:12:51,524 - Do you know Crestwood? - That's where we're from. 232 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:52,616 We live in Crestwood! 233 00:12:52,651 --> 00:12:53,784 - No. - I don't believe it. 234 00:12:53,819 --> 00:12:57,114 - What are the chances of that? - I don't know. LAUGHING 235 00:12:57,149 --> 00:12:58,789 So whereabouts in Crestwood are you? 236 00:12:58,824 --> 00:13:02,952 Oh, if you're coming from the town centre, you pass the church on your left 237 00:13:02,987 --> 00:13:05,003 and it's the second turn on your right. Brooke View Drive. 238 00:13:05,038 --> 00:13:08,541 We live on Brooke View Drive! - You live on Brooke View Drive? 239 00:13:08,576 --> 00:13:12,045 - Sure. What number Brooke View Drive? - 42. 240 00:13:15,215 --> 00:13:19,511 But... we live... at 42 Brooke View Drive. 241 00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:24,099 What are your names? 242 00:13:24,134 --> 00:13:25,809 Steve and Wendy Ashby. 243 00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:32,690 We're Steve and Wendy Ashby. 244 00:13:38,154 --> 00:13:40,740 Ohh... 245 00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:47,330 Back at the university... 246 00:13:47,365 --> 00:13:49,833 Mm. Moist croissant. 247 00:13:49,868 --> 00:13:51,208 KNOCK AT DOOR 248 00:13:51,243 --> 00:13:52,502 Come in. 249 00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:54,551 Hi, Linda. 250 00:13:54,586 --> 00:13:57,549 Ah, hello, Darin. Take a seat. 251 00:13:58,674 --> 00:14:00,682 How can I help you? 252 00:14:00,717 --> 00:14:03,263 Linda, I was wondering if I could get an extension 253 00:14:03,298 --> 00:14:05,438 on my dissertation on feminist poetry. 254 00:14:05,473 --> 00:14:09,226 It's due in on Thursday and I think I need the weekend to finish it. 255 00:14:09,261 --> 00:14:12,729 I'm not sure. I'll call Martin and find out. 256 00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,909 Martin, it's Linda. 257 00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:22,947 I've got a student here who needs an extension on his dissertation. 258 00:14:22,982 --> 00:14:26,250 Darin. Darin Chao. 259 00:14:26,285 --> 00:14:29,586 How can I describe him? Um... 260 00:14:29,621 --> 00:14:35,377 Black hair, big fan of noodles. Pen pals with Clay Aiken. 261 00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:39,798 That's right, the ladyboy. 262 00:14:41,132 --> 00:14:42,598 OK. 263 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,760 He says that's fine. 264 00:14:44,845 --> 00:14:46,095 Thanks. 265 00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:52,567 Bye. 266 00:14:52,602 --> 00:14:55,022 Me love you long time! 267 00:14:58,149 --> 00:15:02,778 Today, British tourists Lou and Andy are visiting a zoo. 268 00:15:02,813 --> 00:15:05,590 Like many British people, I was raised in a zoo. 269 00:15:05,625 --> 00:15:08,333 I still won't eat fish unless you throw it at me. 270 00:15:08,368 --> 00:15:13,038 - I wanna go and see the Ewoks. - No, you don't get Ewoks in a zoo, Andy. 271 00:15:13,073 --> 00:15:14,129 I know. 272 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:17,501 Now. Do you know what kind of animal that is? 273 00:15:17,536 --> 00:15:19,386 Monkey. 274 00:15:19,421 --> 00:15:22,798 No, it's not a monkey, it's a lion. 275 00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:24,015 Yeah, I know. 276 00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:27,720 Now, that's a male lion. Do you know what female lions are called? 277 00:15:27,755 --> 00:15:30,139 Mrs Lion. 278 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:36,019 No, it's a lioness. Now, what do you think lions eat? 279 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:40,650 Food. 280 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,904 That's right! Yeah! Well done! 281 00:15:44,939 --> 00:15:47,245 Yeah, they do eat food. 282 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:52,411 "The lion enjoys a diet that includes wildebeest, zebras and buffalo. " 283 00:15:52,446 --> 00:15:54,712 Yeah, I know. I wanna go and stroke it. 284 00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:57,416 Oh, no, no, no. You're not allowed to stroke the lion. 285 00:15:57,451 --> 00:15:58,507 Yeah, you are. 286 00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:01,427 No, you're not. That would be exceedingly dangerous. 287 00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:04,757 Now, you wait here. I'll go and get you an ice cream. OK? 288 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:14,348 Hello there, friend. Um, could I have two vanilla ice creams, please? 289 00:16:14,383 --> 00:16:16,859 In cones, if it's not too much of a kerfuffle. 290 00:16:16,894 --> 00:16:21,398 American money here. Just getting used to it cos I'm actually from England. 291 00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:25,075 You heard of England? It's a very nice country. 292 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:29,864 Uh, it's not as big as this country. Um, I think probably a... 293 00:16:29,899 --> 00:16:32,499 ROARING 294 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,911 Thanks for the ice cream, sir. 295 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:40,374 WET DRIPPING What the...? 296 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:43,211 Have you got a plaster? 297 00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:45,838 LIONS ROARING 298 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,384 It's all... coming out now. 299 00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:53,219 Like the British, Americans love dogs. 300 00:16:53,254 --> 00:16:56,813 Dogs were, of course, invented in 1952. 301 00:16:56,848 --> 00:17:00,026 So. What do you want for your dinner tonight, Mr Doggy? 302 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:04,273 I don't mind, Mom. Everything you give me is delicious. 303 00:17:04,308 --> 00:17:08,486 Oh, Mr Doggy! That's because Mommy loves you very much. 304 00:17:08,521 --> 00:17:10,528 And I love you too, Mom. 305 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,329 Mwah! 306 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,074 Anything for my darling boy! LAUGHING 307 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,120 Look at that brick. 308 00:17:18,155 --> 00:17:20,503 Which one? 309 00:17:20,538 --> 00:17:22,047 That one. 310 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,507 Oh, yes. I see it. 311 00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:27,920 Wouldn't you like to see that brick go through that window? 312 00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:30,472 Well, I... I don't know. 313 00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:34,344 Hear the smash. See the shards of glass fall to the ground, 314 00:17:34,379 --> 00:17:37,347 splintering everywhere, bringing chaos and confusion! 315 00:17:37,382 --> 00:17:41,649 No, I... I wouldn't wanna see that, Mr Doggy. 316 00:17:41,684 --> 00:17:46,647 I would. I would love to see that. Imagine the distress it would cause. 317 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:50,861 Come on, Mr Doggy. Let's get you that beefsteak. 318 00:17:50,896 --> 00:17:52,444 Pick up the brick! 319 00:17:52,479 --> 00:17:54,079 No, I can't. 320 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:55,997 Pick up the brick! 321 00:17:56,032 --> 00:18:01,871 Oh, huh, if you say so, Mr Doggy... I... 322 00:18:03,790 --> 00:18:08,085 I, uh... Well, uh, I've got the brick, but I'm not throwing it through the window. 323 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,301 Throw it! - No! 324 00:18:09,336 --> 00:18:10,761 Throw it, you piece of shit! 325 00:18:10,796 --> 00:18:14,008 - No! - If you loved me, you'd do it. 326 00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:16,308 Ohhh... 327 00:18:16,343 --> 00:18:18,637 SHATTERING GLASS 328 00:18:18,672 --> 00:18:20,896 Are you happy now? 329 00:18:20,931 --> 00:18:23,872 Well, no! What in hell's name did you do that for? 330 00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:26,813 - But you told me to... - You are one crazy bitch. 331 00:18:26,848 --> 00:18:28,438 Oh! Oh! Oh! 332 00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:31,656 FOGHORN BLARES 333 00:18:31,691 --> 00:18:35,112 These British and American tourists are on a luxury cruise. 334 00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:38,407 The first cruise I ever came on was Tom Cruise. 335 00:18:38,442 --> 00:18:41,584 So what happened to Mrs Devere? 336 00:18:41,619 --> 00:18:44,580 Her credit card was fake, so we had no option but to put her off at Rio. 337 00:18:44,615 --> 00:18:45,706 Excellent. Thank you. 338 00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:46,838 Good evening. 339 00:18:46,873 --> 00:18:48,591 Good evening, Captain. 340 00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:51,045 And may I say, Mr Getty, what an honour it is to have you aboard. 341 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,171 That's very kind of you. This food is delicious. 342 00:18:53,206 --> 00:18:56,466 Yes, the fish soup is extraordinary. 343 00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:59,268 Captain Douglas! 344 00:18:59,303 --> 00:19:02,055 Please, uh, carry on with your dinner. 345 00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,773 - Put her off at Rio, eh? - I'm sorry? 346 00:19:04,808 --> 00:19:06,810 You didn't know I was a champion swimmer, did you, darling? 347 00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,150 No, I didn't. 348 00:19:08,185 --> 00:19:12,315 Oh, yes. I doubled for Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure. 349 00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,443 And I did some of the long shots in Free Willy. 350 00:19:14,478 --> 00:19:15,950 Please, Mrs Devere. 351 00:19:15,985 --> 00:19:18,078 Call me Bubbles, darling. Everybody does. 352 00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:21,950 - Can we have the discussion outside? - No, I think everybody should know. 353 00:19:21,985 --> 00:19:24,918 Excuse me. I'm just gonna get some assistance. 354 00:19:24,953 --> 00:19:27,871 I don't believe we've had the pleasure. Bubbles Devere. 355 00:19:27,906 --> 00:19:30,474 - Stuart Rawlinson. - Oh. 356 00:19:30,509 --> 00:19:32,569 - Bartok Tanner. - Oh. 357 00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,325 - Mary Rawlinson. - Ugh. 358 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,011 Paul Getty the Second. 359 00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:41,551 Ooh! From the very rich Getty family? 360 00:19:41,586 --> 00:19:44,513 - Yes. Yes. - Oh. 361 00:19:45,514 --> 00:19:48,391 Ohh! 362 00:19:50,603 --> 00:19:55,030 Mrs Paul Getty the Second? 363 00:19:55,065 --> 00:19:57,817 Mrs Paul Getty passed away earlier this year. 364 00:19:57,852 --> 00:20:01,245 Champagne! Champagne for everyone! 365 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:06,291 So, Mr Very Rich and Recently Widowed Getty Part Deux, 366 00:20:06,326 --> 00:20:11,915 why don't you and I retire to your cabin for a private little "dinoir" of our own? 367 00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:16,128 - Oh, no. Thank you, though. - Are you sure I can't persuade you? 368 00:20:16,163 --> 00:20:17,545 Heartily. 369 00:20:22,509 --> 00:20:25,595 Oh. You've dropped your napkin. 370 00:20:28,347 --> 00:20:29,391 Oh! 371 00:20:32,059 --> 00:20:34,437 You've got a starfish in the middle of your... 372 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,483 Oh, ha-ha! 373 00:20:42,195 --> 00:20:46,449 Meet me round the back of the lifeboats in 15 minutes. 374 00:20:46,484 --> 00:20:48,075 No. No, thank you, huh... 375 00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:50,619 MUFFLED PROTESTS 376 00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:56,924 The United Nations is an international organisation 377 00:20:56,959 --> 00:21:01,214 that America and Britain consult to see if they should start a war with somebody 378 00:21:01,249 --> 00:21:04,473 and whose advice they then completely ignore. 379 00:21:04,508 --> 00:21:06,134 .. Which is why I strongly believe that military action 380 00:21:06,169 --> 00:21:09,478 should be taken at this juncture. Thank you. 381 00:21:09,513 --> 00:21:16,019 Thank you, Prime Minister. I now call upon the Prime Minister of Japan, Mr Udigawa. 382 00:21:21,275 --> 00:21:25,738 MR UDIGAWA BEGINS SPEECH IN JAPANESE 383 00:21:28,908 --> 00:21:30,415 MOUTHING 384 00:21:30,450 --> 00:21:32,953 SPEECH CONTINUES 385 00:21:40,043 --> 00:21:41,836 (Do you want to go out for a cigarette? 386 00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:50,262 (Can I swap with you? 387 00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:45,088 And so our voyage of discovery has come to an end. 388 00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:49,379 What interesting insights we now have into the people of our two nations. 389 00:23:49,414 --> 00:23:52,924 We've learned that the British and Americans have two legs, 390 00:23:52,959 --> 00:23:55,881 that they both eat food 391 00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,804 Fascinating! Goodbye! 392 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.tvsubtitles.net 30373

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