Original subtitles

Britain and America, the two most respected countries in the world.

That we also have the most weapons is purely coincidental.

And yet, there are many differences between us.

You have no idea what art and literature are.

We have no idea what Hannah Montana is.

You know nothing of manners or social etiquette.

We are unfamiliar with Chuck E Cheese's Pizza Emporiums.

But the people of our two nations also share so much,

as we are about to find out.

It's time for Little Britain USA.

One of the most popular pastimes in Britain,

after dog-fighting

is transvestism.

Excuse me! I did not steal a dress!

I was merely trying it on for size,

forgot to take it off and walked out of the store. Silly me!

- Tell it to the judge. - Unhand me, you brute!

Rape, rape, lady rape! Oh, oh!

ENGINE STARTING

At this police station in Pittsburgh,

British transvestite Emily Howard has found himself in a spot of bother.

You need to do your mug shots.

Wonderful!

Face the camera, please, sir.

Turn to your left.

Turn to the right.

Oooooh, fashion!

OK, name?

Emily Howard.

Eddie Howard.

Sex?

We've only just met!

Gender.

Well, how utterly absurd! I'm a lady. I do ladies' things.

Male.

Marital status?

Many proposals from eligible gentlemen,

but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet.

Wife and three kids.

OK, you're allowed one phone call.

DIALLING

RINGING TONE

Hello, Tommy?

It's Daddy.

Is Mummy there?

No. Well, can you tell Mummy Daddy's been arrested?

He's in a police station and he's wearing a dress...

but there's nothing to worry about.

OK. Bye.

MOUTHING

It is a widely known fact that 90% of Americans cannot write their own name.

Just watering this plant.

But the top minds in the country attend universities like this one.

KNOCKING Come in!

Hey, Linda.

- Hello, Steven. Take a seat. - Sure.

So...

How can I help you?

Well, all I need to know

is when my essay on contemporary African-American playwrights is due in.

I'm not sure. I'll call Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here, needs to know when his essay is due in.

Yeah.

Steven, Steven Morrow. The grad student. You know Steven.

Um, how can I describe him?

Er, black hair, nice jazzy waistcoats.

Puts you in mind of a Hobbit.

Gets his clothes from Baby Gap.

Would've made a fabulous Ewok.

You know... AS GARY COLEMAN: "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?"

That's the one, yeah.

Yes, I did the face. Yes. Thanks.

It's due in on Monday.

Thanks.

# Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo... #

The best way for the American male

to indulge his repressed homoerotic tendencies is to attend a gym.

- Impressive shower. - Truly so.

Whoar!

Whoar.

Oooh!

Man, that is funny!

Whoa! Don't you dare do that to me after I've just done that to you.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

LAUGHING

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, you've got a...

GASPING

Oh, you've got a...

Ooh!

Ah, ah, OK, don't worry, bro.

It's all good.

Just imagine you're taking a cold shower with Danny DeVito.

BREATHING DEEPLY

That's making it worse!

Me too!

One of the inmates at this boot camp in Utah is British teenager Vicky Pollard.

Vicky has been getting into trouble all her life.

Her first court appearance for assault was when she was two.

Vicky Pollard! Are you trying to escape?

Errrrm...

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no,

I'm not, because what happened was this whole thing happened

what I don't even know nothing about cos I was, like, totally asleep

and then all of a sudden I heard this little bird tweeting

like it was stuck up on a fence or something

so I climbed up here to save it and I got caught instead.

But that's, like, typical of me because I'll do anything for animals

cos I totally love them and I've only got one conviction for animal cruelty

and that was only because I tied Bethany Ray's hamster to a firework and set it off

and she called the police and said I killed it and I got done for it.

But they never found the body so how could they prove it was hamster murder?

seriously.

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that.

I've not never even tried to escape or nothing. I, like, totally love this place.

You're so kind to us and you really look after us

and you're always, like, making sure we're nice and clean.

That must be why you always watch us take a shower.

We need to get you down

and then I'm gonna take you straight to the head warden's office.

Good! Good! Cos I was gonna go and see the head warden anyway

because I'm gonna sue this place

cos this barbed wire has totally ripped my leggings.

because you tried to escape

that your sentence will now be increased by another six months.

I don't even care.

You were due to be released tomorrow.

Oh.

OWL HOOTING

That has actually shut me up.

Ellie Grace is a typical, everyday American girl,

except that she is played by a 34-year-old British man.

Now, I know you're gonna be very brave, Ellie Grace.

Tonsils are teeny weeny. They're gonna be out before you know it.

I know, Grandma.

And when you're better, we're all gonna go to Disneyland.

To where, dear?

To Disneyland.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Disneyland. Yes.

I love you, Grandma. I love you, Mom.

We love you too, Ellie Grace.

I love you more than snowflakes.

I love you more than sunshine.

I love you more than ponies.

I love you more than teddy bears.

Oh! I love you more than cartoons.

I love you more than ice cream.

I love you more than interracial gang bangs.

What did she say?

I said I love you more than inter...

We don't need to hear it again, Ellie Grace! Where did you get that from?

Some of the older boys at school said they saw a DVD of men and women

of different ethnic origins partaking in sexual intercourse with each other.

Well, that stuff is just dirty, Ellie Grace.

But I thought you said it was good if people from all races got along together.

Yes, but not that well.

What's all this?

Oh, nothing, Mom.

Hey, there's my brave girl!

Are you ready now for your little operation?

Sure I am.

I love you more than Toy Story 2.

I love you more than marshmallows.

Oh, ha, I love you more than Snoopy.

I love you more than cupcakes.

I love you more than black cock.

LIFT PINGS

What was that, dear?

I said, I love you more than black cock!

Takes after her old grandma!

The number-one drink in Britain is boiling water.

But in America, it is not uncommon to add some coffee beans,

hence the success of coffee-shop chains.

.. Other than Starbucks.

So this is the site of the first Starbucks in the district.

We're always looking for other properties to expand the Starbucks franchise,

so we've just bought this store and we're gonna turn it into a Starbucks.

- The store right next to the Starbucks. - That's right.

Say you've just come out of this Starbucks and you want another Starbucks.

- You can just go into this Starbucks. - OK!

This store we've made an offer on, we thought it'd make the perfect site for...

A Starbucks!

The one right next to the other two Starbucks.

That's right. Crucially, this Starbucks is different than the others.

In what way, Steve?

Well, Steve, we at Starbucks have had a lot of success

We sure have!

So in this Starbucks we're gonna build a Starbucks.

- A Starbucks in a Starbucks! - That's right.

So now you won't have to leave Starbucks to enjoy Starbucks in your Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbucks. Starbucks.

Starbu...

ELECTRICAL CRACKLE

Our next stop is the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

As in Britain, if you have a keen interest in dodgy share dealings

and illicit sexual liaisons, you may like to become a politician.

Please, please. The senator would now like to make a statement. Thank you.

On Thursday evening, after a meeting with the Secretary of State,

I was driving home to my beloved wife and children

when I saw an Afro-Caribbean lady standing by the side of the road

in what I am now told is a notorious red-light district.

As it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and being a responsible citizen,

I thought the lady might appreciate a ride home,

so I invited her into my car.

It was an unseasonably warm evening

so we both decided to take off all our clothes.

It then became clear to me that the lady was in fact a transsexual.

By which I mean a person, usually a Democrat,

Then myself and the transsexual, or Raymond, as he is known,

climbed onto the back seat to engage in a bout of wrestling.

My wife will vouch for me. I'm a keen fan of contact sports.

I then became hungry.

I went to take a bite of what I fatally assumed was a big, black hot dog.

At that moment the police arrived.

Thank you so much. That is all I have to say. Thank you. Thank you.

CLAMOUR OF QUESTIONS

Americans like to holiday in their own country,

which suits the rest of the world just fine.

Lovely afternoon, isn't it?

Oh, beautiful. So warm.

- Pardon me. Anyone sitting here? - What? Uh, no, please, take a seat.

- Thank you so much. - Go right ahead.

- Great hotel. - Oh, yes. We come here every year.

- So do we. We love it here. - Where are you folks from?

- We're from North Carolina. - Oh, how funny! So are we.

Oh. We're from a little place in New Hanover County.

- So are we. - Oh, funny!

- Do you know Crestwood? - That's where we're from.

We live in Crestwood!

- No. - I don't believe it.

- What are the chances of that? - I don't know. LAUGHING

So whereabouts in Crestwood are you?

Oh, if you're coming from the town centre, you pass the church on your left

and it's the second turn on your right. Brooke View Drive.

We live on Brooke View Drive! - You live on Brooke View Drive?

- Sure. What number Brooke View Drive? - 42.

But... we live... at 42 Brooke View Drive.

What are your names?

Steve and Wendy Ashby.

We're Steve and Wendy Ashby.

Ohh...

Back at the university...

Mm. Moist croissant.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Hi, Linda.

Ah, hello, Darin. Take a seat.

How can I help you?

Linda, I was wondering if I could get an extension

on my dissertation on feminist poetry.

It's due in on Thursday and I think I need the weekend to finish it.

I'm not sure. I'll call Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here who needs an extension on his dissertation.

Darin. Darin Chao.

How can I describe him? Um...

Black hair, big fan of noodles. Pen pals with Clay Aiken.

That's right, the ladyboy.

OK.

He says that's fine.

Thanks.

Bye.

Me love you long time!

Today, British tourists Lou and Andy are visiting a zoo.

Like many British people, I was raised in a zoo.

I still won't eat fish unless you throw it at me.

- I wanna go and see the Ewoks. - No, you don't get Ewoks in a zoo, Andy.

I know.

Now. Do you know what kind of animal that is?

Monkey.

No, it's not a monkey, it's a lion.

Yeah, I know.

Now, that's a male lion. Do you know what female lions are called?

Mrs Lion.

No, it's a lioness. Now, what do you think lions eat?

Food.

That's right! Yeah! Well done!

Yeah, they do eat food.

"The lion enjoys a diet that includes wildebeest, zebras and buffalo. "

Yeah, I know. I wanna go and stroke it.

Oh, no, no, no. You're not allowed to stroke the lion.

Yeah, you are.

No, you're not. That would be exceedingly dangerous.

Now, you wait here. I'll go and get you an ice cream. OK?

Hello there, friend. Um, could I have two vanilla ice creams, please?

In cones, if it's not too much of a kerfuffle.

American money here. Just getting used to it cos I'm actually from England.

You heard of England? It's a very nice country.

Uh, it's not as big as this country. Um, I think probably a...

ROARING

Thanks for the ice cream, sir.

WET DRIPPING What the...?

Have you got a plaster?

LIONS ROARING

It's all... coming out now.

Like the British, Americans love dogs.

Dogs were, of course, invented in 1952.

So. What do you want for your dinner tonight, Mr Doggy?

I don't mind, Mom. Everything you give me is delicious.

Oh, Mr Doggy! That's because Mommy loves you very much.

And I love you too, Mom.

Mwah!

Anything for my darling boy! LAUGHING

Look at that brick.

Which one?

That one.

Oh, yes. I see it.

Wouldn't you like to see that brick go through that window?

Well, I... I don't know.

Hear the smash. See the shards of glass fall to the ground,

splintering everywhere, bringing chaos and confusion!

No, I... I wouldn't wanna see that, Mr Doggy.

I would. I would love to see that. Imagine the distress it would cause.

Come on, Mr Doggy. Let's get you that beefsteak.

Pick up the brick!

No, I can't.

Pick up the brick!

Oh, huh, if you say so, Mr Doggy... I...

I, uh... Well, uh, I've got the brick, but I'm not throwing it through the window.

Throw it! - No!

Throw it, you piece of shit!

- No! - If you loved me, you'd do it.

Ohhh...

SHATTERING GLASS

Are you happy now?

Well, no! What in hell's name did you do that for?

- But you told me to... - You are one crazy bitch.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

FOGHORN BLARES

These British and American tourists are on a luxury cruise.

The first cruise I ever came on was Tom Cruise.

So what happened to Mrs Devere?

Her credit card was fake, so we had no option but to put her off at Rio.

Excellent. Thank you.

Good evening.

Good evening, Captain.

And may I say, Mr Getty, what an honour it is to have you aboard.

That's very kind of you. This food is delicious.

Yes, the fish soup is extraordinary.

Captain Douglas!

Please, uh, carry on with your dinner.

- Put her off at Rio, eh? - I'm sorry?

You didn't know I was a champion swimmer, did you, darling?

No, I didn't.

Oh, yes. I doubled for Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.

And I did some of the long shots in Free Willy.

Please, Mrs Devere.

Call me Bubbles, darling. Everybody does.

- Can we have the discussion outside? - No, I think everybody should know.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna get some assistance.

I don't believe we've had the pleasure. Bubbles Devere.

- Stuart Rawlinson. - Oh.

- Bartok Tanner. - Oh.

- Mary Rawlinson. - Ugh.

Paul Getty the Second.

Ooh! From the very rich Getty family?

- Yes. Yes. - Oh.

Ohh!

Mrs Paul Getty the Second?

Mrs Paul Getty passed away earlier this year.

Champagne! Champagne for everyone!

So, Mr Very Rich and Recently Widowed Getty Part Deux,

why don't you and I retire to your cabin for a private little "dinoir" of our own?

- Oh, no. Thank you, though. - Are you sure I can't persuade you?

Heartily.

Oh. You've dropped your napkin.

Oh!

You've got a starfish in the middle of your...

Oh, ha-ha!

Meet me round the back of the lifeboats in 15 minutes.

No. No, thank you, huh...

MUFFLED PROTESTS

The United Nations is an international organisation

that America and Britain consult to see if they should start a war with somebody

and whose advice they then completely ignore.

.. Which is why I strongly believe that military action

should be taken at this juncture. Thank you.

Thank you, Prime Minister. I now call upon the Prime Minister of Japan, Mr Udigawa.

MR UDIGAWA BEGINS SPEECH IN JAPANESE

MOUTHING

SPEECH CONTINUES

(Do you want to go out for a cigarette?

(Can I swap with you?

And so our voyage of discovery has come to an end.

What interesting insights we now have into the people of our two nations.

We've learned that the British and Americans have two legs,

that they both eat food

Fascinating! Goodbye!

www.tvsubtitles.net