Original subtitles

- ♪

- Who's excited for almond meal flaxseed whole-grain pancakes?!

- You are!

I'm a boy, not a farm animal.

Besides, I can't start the day without my Penguin Puffs.

Alright.

- Well, you're gonna have to,

'cause they're all over the floor.

- That's weird.

- Can't start my day without my puffs.

[gasps]

Okay, who pours a man's Penguin Puffs

all over the floor?

- What happened in here? - We don't know.

We walked in and it was like this.

- Maybe there was a tornado. - Really?

A tornado that only hit the kitchen?

- Hey, I just moved to Portland.

I don't know what kind of weather

goes on in your kitchens.

- What's Leaf's elephant doing in the fridge?

- Just chilling?

- Well, Leaf couldn't have put it in there.

He was at a sleepover last night.

- It's all pretty weird, if you ask me.

- A lot of weird stuff has been going on

in the past few weeks.

I thought I heard creepy singing in the middle of the night.

- You're probably just dreaming.

- Then cousins must have the same dream,

because I've been hearing singing too,

and stuff moving around. - Hey, maybe we have a ghost.

- [screams] A ghost?!

- Uh-oh, you shouldn't have said that.

My dad is scared of ghosts.

- Because I've seen one.

It was back at summer camp when I was Stuart's age.

- Here we go.

- The ghost was in the window, staring at me.

- Are you sure it wasn't a tree? - Do trees look like this?

Lewis, how come you didn't tell us this place was haunted?

I never would've moved in.

- I didn't tell you because it's not haunted.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

And as I told you before, what you saw at camp

was Gary Pluckman playing jokes on you.

- That doesn't explain what's going on here,

unless it's Gary Pluckman again.

- Well, all I know is somebody made this mess,

and nothing unusual happened before you guys moved in.

- Classic Lewis, blaming me, just like the time you blamed me

for breaking the horn on your bike.

- You did break the horn on my bike.

- But you didn't know that before you blamed me.

- Well, we definitely had nothing to do with this.

We wouldn't waste our own Penguin Puffs.

- What is in those things?

- ♪

- Hey, Stuart, check this out.

It says here that one in five people

claim that they've actually seen a ghost.

- I'm not sure I believe in ghosts.

I want to, because they're cool.

But then I think mermaids are cool, too.

- Ghosts make more sense than mermaids.

If only the bottom half is a fish,

how do they breathe under water?

- Maybe through their butts?

- Hey.

I'm so glad I bumped into you guys here.

What are the odds?

- Well, we do live here, so the odds are pretty good.

- Hey, Millie. What's up?

- Big news. Your house is totally haunted.

You have a ghost.

- And how would you know this?

- Okay, you know how sometimes

I watch your house in the middle of the night through binoculars?

- Uh, we do now.

- Well, any-who, last night, I saw a bizarre figure

floating through your living room.

I could've gotten a much better look

if you'd just opened your drapes a little wider. Annoying.

- Sorry? - Apology accepted.

Now I've gotta go tell Mrs. Baxter

that Mr. Baxter's been breaking his diet.

I saw him eating chocolate chip ice cream

in the middle of the night... again!

- I don't know what Millie saw in our house,

but something strange is definitely going on.

- You know what we need to do.

- BOTH: Ghost stakeout!

- We'll stay up all night to see if this place is really haunted.

- Yeah.

- It is really haunted.

- [screaming]

- I thought you left.

- I did, but I forgot my binoculars and this speaker...

that wasn't recording you.

- [chuckles] Am I nuts?

Or is she completely nuts?

- [loudly] What?

Millie is the best neighbor ever!

[whispers] She might be listening.

- ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

- ♪

- [thud] - [yelps]

What was that?

- It's just me.

Man, you gotta relax. - Relax?

How can I relax when I'm living with a ghost in the house?

- There's no such thing as ghosts.

There has to be an explanation.

- Like what?

- I don't know, maybe a wild animal got in,

like a rabbit or a bear.

- A bear?! We have a bear?!

Call the police! Call a bear catcher!

- Leaf, the house is perfectly safe.

I only say it was a bear

because Uncle Clark's afraid we got a ghost.

- A ghost?! We have a ghost?!

Call the police! Call a ghost catcher!

- We gotta do something.

This house is 100% haunted.

- [screams]

- Leaf, no!

Great, now Leaf's afraid.

Look, we're the adults here.

We gotta set an example.

So next time someone brings up ghosts, we're gonna say?

- A ghost?!

[screams]

- Not that.

- ♪

- Nighty-night, Mama Bear.

Yes, I'm snug as a bug in a rug.

Uh, I mean, uh, good night, Mother.

Thank you for your service.

[whispers] Love you, Mom.

- Alright, I got the camera all set up.

No ghost is gonna get passed us tonight.

- Tonight, we find out if this place is really haunted.

Ready to stay up all night?

- I'm too excited to sleep!

- Yeah! Cool!

- [snores]

- The elephant! [screams]

- What, what, what? What is it?

Is it the ghost?

- Something major happened here.

How could you fall asleep?

- You fell asleep, too.

- We missed it.

- Or did we?

- BOTH: The camera!

- We may have been asleep, but the camera was wide awake.

- STUART: [snores]

- How I slept through your snoring, I have no idea.

- IVY: [snores]

- Oh, look who's snoring now! Oh, and drooling.

- You know what? Let's fast forward through that.

- [fast forward squeaking]

- Wait, Stuart, what's that?

- [eerie, ghostly noises]

- [static]

- BOTH: [screaming]

- [screams]

- Stop fooling around.

- [whimpers]

- You're scaring the Penguin Puffs out of your uncle Clark.

It's obvious you guys...

finagled the footage.

- We didn't finagle anything.

I wouldn't even know how to finagle.

- I actually do know how to finagle.

But I didn't finagle.

That thing is real.

- Oh, guys, we got dead people living in our house!

- I read that some spirits don't mean to scare anyone.

They just have unfinished business.

- Well, we need to finish all this ghost business now.

- Or maybe start a ghost business.

Who cares if the ghost is real or not?

People would pay a lot of money to hang out in a haunted house.

- Well, we are moving back to San Diego.

Best of luck on your ghost infestation.

Stuart, we out.

- Dad, we're not going anywhere.

- And those are my suitcases.

- Besides, it could be one of those tracking ghosts

I read about.

They'll follow you wherever you go...forever.

- That's a thing?

- Unfortunately, yes.

- Oh, I'm freaking out! I'm freaking out!

[sobs]

- Ooh, do you mind freaking out into the camera?

This will be a great promo for my new haunted house business.

- I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out, out!

- ♪

- Hey, sweetie.

- [groans] - What's wrong?

- I've been researching for clues about the ghost,

and I'm really bummed.

Our house wasn't built on an old cemetery

or a creepy, abandoned hospital.

Nothing horrible.

- Yeah, that's pretty disappointing.

- Do you know anything about the house

or the people that used to live here?

- Well, the original owner was an opera singer

named Countess Maria.

- Opera singer?

That could explain the weird singing we've been hearing.

- Ivy, you don't believe all that stuff, do you?

- You saw the video.

Countess Maria could need our help.

I can't turn my back on a soul in need, living or dead.

- Maybe you should try one of those things

where you contact her from beyond the grave.

- You mean a séance? That's a great idea, Dad.

But I'm gonna need a crystal ball.

- Well, I don't have a crystal ball.

But for our wedding, your mom and I got a nice crystal bowl.

- That can work.

- Great, and when that ghost doesn't show up,

our family will realize this house isn't haunted,

and everything around here will be back to normal.

- Dad, my pig locked himself in the car again.

- [car horn honking]

- Yup, back to normal.

- [car horn honking]

- Coming, Arthur!

- I don't know how he got the keys.

- Excuse me, Son.

- [car horn honking]

- ♪

- Are those mousetraps?

- Not anymore.

Now they're...

ghost traps.

- Finally, someone with some common sense.

- Whoa, that's a big sandwich!

- Well, I'm a stress eater.

And this ghost has me stressed.

- You think you're stressed now?

Wait till you get a load of this.

- [creepy organ music] - [wolf howling]

- Spend an evening in the haunted-est house

in Portland with this glowing ghost.

As your host--mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha--

not only will you see it and hear it,

you'll chat with the spirit in an actual séance

conducted by Madame Ivy.

- [thunderclap]

- If you're not chilled and thrilled,

we offer a money back scare-antee.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- I'm freaking out!

- [thud]

- Stuart's actually trying to get the ghost to show up here.

- He's your cousin. - He's your son!

- There's only one thing to do.

Make another sandwich.

- ♪

- [creepy music plays]

- Thank you. Prepare to be scared.

Oh, hey, Marlo. Thanks for buying a ticket.

- Thanks for taking my money.

You think after we contact the ghost,

we can contact my grandma?

- Aw, I'm sorry. When did she pass away?

- Oh, no, she's fine.

I just have to tell her what time to pick me up.

- Cody Cooper.

I'm sure you've read my blog, The Boo Report?

[sniffs]

This place doesn't smell haunted.

What kind of ghost do you got here?

Poltergeist? Ecto mist?

Evil poltergeist? Funnel ghost?

Dybbuk? Banshee?

Abraham Lincoln's specter? Confused entity?

Floating head? Your classic boo?

Apparition? - Not sure.

Not sure.

But whatever it is, ha, I know it's gonna be scary.

As a matter of fact,

I just want to point out that by entering these premises,

you agree that I am not liable for any injury

or property damage incurred

as a result of a supernatural experience.

- What's that mean?

- It means it's not my problem

if you get messed up by the ghost.

- I'll believe it when I see it.

So far, not one goosebump.

See? Not one.

- I have a goosebump, right here where my goose bit me.

- Okay, everyone.

Please, help yourself to some scare-ree-freshements

and have a look at our boo-venirs.

Cash only.

Actual photo of the ghost, buttons, T-shirts, everything.

Oh, hey, Leaf.

Are you staying for the haunted house experience?

- No way.

You're gonna have to experience this without me.

I'm grabbing a piece of banana scream pie

and locking myself in my bedroom.

Bye.

- Oh, uh, sorry, Millie.

This event is for ticketholders only.

- Oh, I bought a ticket.

I even paid extra for the special VIP experience.

- Oh, well, forgive me.

Step right this way.

- And I believe the VIP package comes with a souvenir mug.

- Oh, right. Uh, one second.

Yes.

Here, you can have this one.

- "Number One Dad"?

- Hey, that's my dad's mug.

- Not anymore.

- Stuart, I don't know about this thing on my head.

- You look great, Madame Ivy.

Now remember, you're kicking off the night,

so make it super spooky for our paying customers?

- I know I agreed to be a part of this,

but the real reason for the séance is to help a lost soul.

- Yeah, good, stay with that attitude.

It's very believable.

Yes, and keep that serious concerned face going, too.

Okay, everyone, please gather

as Madame Ivy tries to contact the spirits.

- ♪

- Alright, chill seekers.

Who's ready to contact the afterlife?

I know I'm in the spirit to talk to a spirit.

- Huh?

I said spooky, not kooky.

- I mean, I ask that you all join hands

and focus on the crystal bowl.

- Crystal bowl?

Are we trying to speak to a ghost or make punch?

- Countess Maria, spirit who occupies this house,

please make yourself known to all present.

- Yes, yes, the spirit is here among us.

I can sense her energy.

- The only thing I can sense is getting my money back.

Still no goosebumps.

See? Smooth.

Cody Cooper doesn't like smooth.

- Shh, you're gonna scare away the ghost.

And I paid 100 bucks for this.

- That's pretty expensive.

- What did you pay?

- Twenty?

- For the VIP experience, that's a good value.

- This whole thing is a rip-off, and especially for her.

- Countess Maria, please ignore this negative energy

in our midst and make yourself known!

- [thud] - [gasping]

- Countess Maria, is that you?

Call out if it is!

- [high-pitched screaming]

- ALL: [gasping]

- ♪

- ♪

- You really did it, Ivy.

You summoned the ghost.

- I did!

Oh, I did.

- Come on, everyone. To the kitchen!

Let's go see that ghost.

- Out of my way! VIPs first!

- [screams]

- Who put a mousetrap in the refrigerator?

- Leaf thought he could catch a ghost with those.

The first aid kit is in the cupboard.

- [snap] - [screams]

Who puts a mousetrap in the first aid kit?

[screams]

- [snap] - LEWIS: Ow! Seriously!

- That's no ghost.

That's just some dude who likes sticking his fingers

in mousetraps.

I believe we were promised a money-back scare-antee?

- Yeah, I want my money back.

- My dad's a lawyer.

- Can I use your crystal bowl to call my grandma now?

- Hold on, hold on.

This place is totally haunted.

Everyone, go back to the living room.

We'll be right there, okay? - [moaning, muttering]

- Thank you, thank you.

Okay, here's the deal, Ivy.

I'm not giving anyone their money back.

So if you can't summon the ghost, then I will.

- What do you mean by that?

- Heh, I mean buckle up, because it's about to get scary in here.

- The only dead thing in this house

is my hope of seeing a ghost tonight.

- [jangling]

- Wait! I hear something.

- [jangling]

- That tambourine! I think it's moving!

- [jangling]

- It's supernatural.

- [jangling]

- Wow, look at it slide slowly across the table,

like it's being pushed by a ghostly hand.

- [jangling stops]

- [clicking]

- Looks like the ghost is having some technical difficulties.

- [jangle] - [grunts]

- I've been tambourined!

- Oops! Sorry, Cody.

I mean, I'm sure the ghost is sorry.

- I paid extra.

I should have been tambourined!

- Okay, I'll admit, that was pretty weird.

Flying musical instruments

are a pretty standard poltergeist behavior.

- Hmm, interesting.

- Maybe we should wrap this up

before the ghost hurts anyone else.

- Wait!

Countess Maria, she's standing right behind me.

She's gently pulling me towards her.

She's--[screams]

- [screaming]

- I'm getting outta here! - I'm convinced!

The ghost is real! I have numerous goosebumps!

Numerous!

- VIPs first!

Oh, and thanks for the mug.

- I think I made that wire a little too springy.

- Are you okay?

- Heh, not sure.

But it hurts less than having to give back all that money.

- I'm just bummed the ghost never showed up.

- Maybe there isn't a ghost after all.

- But then what was that thing we saw in the video?

- Who knows, but it could've been a--

- [eerie, ghostly noises]

- Okay, Stuart, you got to keep the money.

You can stop with the scares.

- I'm not doing this.

- [eerie, ghostly noises]

- [screaming]

- [gasps]

- Uncle Clark? - Dad?

- What--what am I doing down here?

Huh, last thing I remember was reading.

I must've fallen asleep.

Then I had this weird dream I keep having.

I was the lead in an opera, and my costar was an elephant.

- What's--what's going on?

We heard screaming.

- The mystery is solved.

The ghost is Uncle Clark.

- Uncle Clark's a ghost?

- Ow!

- No, he's been sleepwalking.

- In that glow-in-the-dark snuggly...

which explains the glowing figure in the video.

- I knew it.

I told you all there weren't any ghosts.

- Uh, I-I knew that, too.

I was just pretending to be scared for Uncle Clark.

- Wow, so the ghost I was so afraid of was me.

That's wild.

- Ha, what's wild is how much money I made tonight.

- What's this remote for? - No!

- [glass shattering]

- My crystal bowl!

- This should cover it.

- You know what? That's okay.

I have an even better idea to make even more money.

We're gonna turn this house into a haunted hotel.

Come on, Ivy, we have some planning to do.

- Don't do that. No, no!

Hey, take this money back!

Hey, hey!

- Are you sure you're not a ghost.

- [giggles]

Stop it!

- ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

♪

♪ Hey

♪

♪ Hey

♪

♪ Hey