All language subtitles for s2-5ejfgn

♪♪

Crowd: [Chanting]
Brock! Brock! Brock!

Brock! Brock! Brock!
[Cheers and applause]

Jim: Hey, all right!

All right.
That's very nice.

My God, look at this sea
of Millennial faces. I am...

Crowd: Yeah!
[Cheers and applause]

I'm terrified.

Let's get right into it.

I need a suggestion
for a monologue.

-The one that got away!
-The one that got at away.

My God!

[Cheers and applause]

Ooh!

Wow. You people
aren't kidding around tonight.

So much has gotten away
from me lately.

I mean, friends, family --
my father.

Um, hard to narrow it down
to just one thing.

[Clicks tongue]
Folks, you ever have something

so pure, just so real...

you almost felt like
you didn't even deserve it?

Can you relate to that?
Crowd: Yeah.

For me,
that one thing...

was Molly Malone.

[Laughter, cheering]

Man: Yeah!
[Whistling
and scattered applause]

Molly Malone
is a street name

for the purest
MDMA in existence.

[Laughter and applause]

Yeah?

Hi.

Hi!

You know, I didn't
expect to see you here.

Or ever again,
really.

I thought it'd be creepy
if I saw your show

and then didn't come
say "hi" afterwards.

Right now, "creepy" doesn't
seem like such a bad thing.

No, wait, whoa! Oh.
What are you do--

why are you
in New Orleans?

I have a layover.
I'm on my way to Colombia.

I've been approached about
buying an ownership piece

of a winter ball team
down there.

My flight leaves at midnight.
-Midnight!

Well, that's practically
tomorrow, isn't it?

Come on, can --
Let's grab a drink.

-That's not a good idea.
-All right.

Got other plans, huh?
-I do.

The in-flight magazine said
that I can't leave New Orleans

without getting a beignet
from Cafe Du Monde.
Du Monde?!

No, that's overpriced
and overcrowded, Jules.

I know
where the locals go.

Come on. Please.
It'll be my treat.

Don't you have
an after-party to go to?

After-party?
No, I don't.

What, my life just seems
like one big party to you,
huh, from the outside?

I assure you, it's, uh --
it's very lonely, Jules.

So, we fucking?

That was unfortunate timing
right there.

So, I'm gonna say goodbye.
-Fine. Let's go.

Really?
Don't give me time
to change my mind.

-Um, hello?
-He'll fuck you tomorrow.

♪♪

Jim: So, Jules, can I ask
what you're doing here?

Jules: I told you.
I have a layover.

No, I mean
what are we doing here?

Okay, can I tell you
why I'm here?

Because I am desperate
to absorb any moment

I can possibly get
with you,

no matter how awkward
it might be.

Kind of like the way
Johnny The Hat would wring

the bar mat into his mouth
after last call.

You...remember that?

The saddest part was he'd always
leave me a tip afterwards.

Just be honest with me.
Please.

Okay, fine. I set up
a Google Alert for
"Jim Brockmire dead."

Jesus Christ. Everybody I know
has one of those things.

So, when I got the e-mail
with that headline,

I felt terrible --
worse than when my dad died,

'cause the last thing I said
to him was "I love you."

Last thing
I said to you...

I don't remember exactly
what it I was, but it --

You said, "Back up," and then
you slammed the door in my face.

Yeah.
So, for a second,

I thought that was
our last moment together.

And I knew I had
to tell you something.

I don't hate you.

Boy, this is
a real roller coaster.

You're selfish,
and you did a selfish thing.

I can hate the way you did it,
but I knew who you were.

Okay. I mean,
that's progress, I guess.

I mean, at least I am not
dead to you anymore.

Life is too short to hold
that kind of grudge.

Just ask these two.
-Oh, yeah.

You know why all the cemeteries
in New Orleans are above ground?

'Cause we're below
sea level here.

If they actually
buried their dead,

they'd find themselves
swimming in a river of corpses.

These monuments, they all
house actual bones and --
and rotting flesh.

So, if I don't ask
for macabre New Orleans trivia,

just assume I don't
want to hear it, okay?
[Chuckles]

Just trying to be
a good tour guide.
Yeah, well...

Seriously. No,
speaking of which,

right down that road there
lies the bar

that invented
the French 75.

[Chuckles]

Well, I think of you
every time I go in there.

I do, because for some
ridiculous reason, Jules,

that's your
favorite drink.

Because it's like a white wine
spritzer without the shame.

Oh, God,
there's so much shame.

♪♪

-We have a new mascot.
-Ah.

It's an oil derrick now.
Derek the Derrick.

Mm. Boy, you anthropomorphized
the very thing

that will be the undoing
of the human race.

That's -- [Chuckles]
That's a very nice touch.

I thought so.

And I started a
"When Harry Met Sally"
promo night --

two-for-one drinks
if you fake an orgasm

at the concession stand.
-Wow.

It's the "I'll have
what she's having."

Nice, but I'm kind of glad
I missed that one.

Not sure I could have
handled seeing Dale

in the throes
of pleasure like that.

-Dale died.
-What?

-Yeah.
-Get out of here.

How'd he die?
He was so young.
Meth fire.

Meth -- Yeah, well,
makes sense, doesn't it?

You know,
I-I told him.

I said, "You can cook meth
as a hobby

or you can
siphon gasoline.

You cannot do both."
-Yeah.

-You seeing anybody?
-Nice segue.

[Slurps] I know, I'm sorry.
I just -- I-I gotta know.

You know, it's all
I can think about

since the moment
I saw you.

I'm seeing a few people.

Not as many as you,
probably.

Oh, no, no, no.
Wait a minute now.

At first, I, uh...

dated attractive,
age-appropriate women

as kind of a substitute
for you. I did.

[Inhales sharply]

Desperately aping the magic
of our relationship

like Woody Allen trying
to boil a lobster

with whoever that
non-Annie-Hall-type person was.

Now, I just, uh...

I stick to the
one-night-stand groupie well.

I mean, it's transactional,
but at least it's honest.

You poor baby.

So many women
jumping on your dick.

[Gulps]
It's not easy.

Hey, I gotta get going.
My flight is --

No, no-- Hey, no. Come on.
Don't get on that plane.

Seriously, just...stay.

♪♪

Stay for what?

Jules, you haven't had
a beignet yet.
[Chuckles]

No, you can't visit New Orleans
and not have a beignet.

That's like --
That's a slap in the face

to the editors
of Delta Sky Magazine.

[Scoffs] Okay.
Really?

Well, don't make me
overthink it.

I'm pretty sure
I'm making a mistake.

[Stammers] Well...
[Laughing] No, you're not.

Since I'm staying,
you can buy me another drink.

[Gulping]

♪♪

This one's done.

I really missed you.

Hey, Pasquale.
Yo, how you doing?

Double for me, usual.

Pint glass full
of White Zin for the lady.

You heard that right.

[Laughs]

Kind of a regular here.
Don't like to brag.

No, I know. You mentioned it
on your podcast.

This is where you like
to take a woman

when you really want
to impress her.

-I did?
-I believe your exact words were

"put a napkin down
or it's gonna look like

there was a snail race
on that barstool."

-Get out of here. I said that?
-Yeah, you did.

You broadcast it to anyone
who'd listen.
Oh, my goodness.

Well, Ol' Blackout Jimmy is just
full of surprises, isn't he?

But you know, my --
Thank you, Pasquale.

My takeaway from that story
is...[Chuckles]

you're a regular listener
to my podcast.

I gotta have something to do
while I'm folding the laundry.

-Oh, don't we all.
-Hey, I gotta pee.

Uh, I'm assuming you've had sex
in the ladies' room.

-Oh, you know that I have.
-Is it gross?

-No, it's not bad at all.
-Oh.

Straight back
that way.

-Thank you.
-Oh, sure. Enjoy.

♪♪

There you are.
I had a feeling
I'd find you here.

What are you
doing here?
Well, I came down
to let you know

that word's coming in
from Atlanta this weekend.

-This weekend?
-Yeah.

This weekend's almost over,
isn't it?
Exactly.

And I'm pretty sure
no news is not good news.

Right. Yeah, okay.
I'll see.

-You gonna be okay?
-Yeah, Charles.

You know, if Atlanta
doesn't happen, it...

It wasn't meant to be.
-Okay.

Okay.

What's going on
with you?

Nothing is going on with me.
What's going on with you?

-[Laughing] Hey! I missed you!
-Oh, my God!

-I missed you so much!
-This --

This is great!

It's like my parents
are getting back together.

Except, you know, I actually
want this to happen.

-Just relax.
-Where's your girlfriend?

Girlfriend? This guy
doesn't have a girlfriend!

I had to bribe this guy
just to have sex with somebody.

[Laughs]

You know what it does have,
though, is someplace else to be.

Right. Got it.

I'll leave you two
to catch up.

[Quietly] It's happening!
-Nothing is happening!

-Okay!
-Stop it.

I mean, something --
something's happening.

I just don't want
to label it,

because that will kill
what's happening...
whatever that is.

-Shut up.
-All right.

Cheers.

[ "When the Saints
Go Marching In" plays]

You know what -- do you have --
you don't have saxophones?

♪♪

Whoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Is there, like,
another saxophone guy?

I will take two trumpets
if that's all you got.

Here. Cheers.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, yeah.
See, that's good.

You can taste the jazz!

♪♪

Oh!
Oh, shit!

Oh, are you
all right?

-No!
-Oh, shit!

God damn it! God!
-[Laughs]

How's that ankle doing?
Still smarting back there?

It hurts.
And my head hurts.

Oh, are you sobering up?
No. Can't have that.

We gotta get you
another drink.

[Chuckles]

I used to keep up
with you.

What's happened?
-I...Oh!

Uh, I may not be
in the major leagues,

but I've really upped my game
when it comes to my alcoholism.

Yeah, New Orleans
is --

it's really the place
to go pro.

And you know who has
an up-and-coming bar scene?

Morristown.

Oh, yeah,
Morristown has its charms.

It does.
-Mm-hmm.

Ooh, Jules, you know what night
I always think about?
Mmm, which one?

The time that
we drank Sambuca...
[Gasps]

...at home plate there.
-Oh, babe, me, too.

But this time,
can we have sex in a bed,

'cause I don't want
to pick dirt

out of my ass crack
for two weeks.

I don't, either.
Sure thing! I'm gonna run.

♪♪

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

[Chuckles]

You just have this
hotel room all the time?

Oh, yes, this is where
I take the strange

I don't want
to bring home.

Charles can be a real judgy
little prick sometimes.

I see.
So, am I the strange?

Oh, yes, you are. You're --
You are the strange.

-Yes!
-Yeah, you are.

-Your slut.
-[Chuckles]

So...

did you have
a-a good time tonight?

Are you kidding?
I'm in love.

With New Orleans.
[Sighs]

-Please!
-Ugh.

No, well, I am, too.

God, you terrified me
there.

I mean, you know, it's nice to
finally find a home, you know,

and...

finally settle down.

All it took was
the love of a good...

city.

-I don't believe in a soul.
-Okay.

I think it's just a delusion
that masks the fact

that we're all just
lumpy sacks of meat

marching towards
our inevitable obsolescence.

Can we dispense with
the graveyard play-by-play...?
Since I don't
believe in a soul,

I can't say that I believe
in a soul mate, Jules.

But I'll tell you
something.

Uh, I do know
that the connection

that I feel between
the two of us --
I'm serious now --

It's the most profound thing
I've ever known.

I just messed it up,
didn't I?

-No.
-I did.

No, I-I know
what you mean.

Usually when someone
hurts me,

I could cut them out of my life
like the tumor they are, but...

[Sighing]
oh, with you, I can't.

Okay, so to me,
you're a profound love,

and to you, I'm a tumor?
-Yeah.

You're a tumor. Tumor I like.
Like a benign one.

You know what?
I'll take it.

At this point,
I'll take it.

Am I still the only
person you've ever had
sex with on home plate?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Although Uribe and I did
jerk off on the pitcher's mound.

-Now you ruined it.
-[Chuckles]

How about that beignet?

Oh. I-I-I don't have
any clothes.

You spilled Curaçao
all over my -- my --
my -- my shirt.

You ripped my pants.
My bag is at the airport.

I mean--
-I got you covered.

Why are there
so many bras?

Are women in that big
of a hurry to leave afterwards?

Hey, my love life's kind of
like the airport TGI Fridays.

It is all about
turning those tables.

Look at this. I feel like
I'm in Filene's Basement.
[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh, shit,
I've gotta take this.

Brockmire.
-It's Whitney.

Is this a good time?
-Well, uh, you tell me.

[Water running]

♪♪

Hi. I was interested
in changing my flight.

I have a flight tonight,
and I was wondering

what your policy is
about getting reimbursed.

I reviewed the data,
and, overwhelmingly,

it seems like the greatest
benefit to the franchise

would be to go with Raj.

Okay.
[Sighs] That's...

pretty much what I figured.
-But I was overruled.

What?

[Gags]

My flight got canceled.

[Confused]
My flight got canceled.

Hey.

You're not gonna believe this,
but my flight got canceled.

Jules, I got it.

I got the job! I am --
I'm going to Atlanta!

Yeah!
-Wait, what?

How is this possible?

You never mentioned there was
a chance you were leaving.

Jules, I didn't think
there was,

but I gotta get to Atlanta

and press the flesh
of my benefactors.

-When?
-Now.

You're meeting them
today?
Well, the meeting's
not till Wednesday,

but I'm taking
the next flight.

-Well, change it.
-Oh, Jules, I would love to.

No, I really would,
but, you know,

I-I-I kind of like
to tool around a city

and get to know it for a couple
of days before I represent it.

I mean, you know...
kinda my process.

Your process?
What are you, Basquiat?

You report things
that people

can already see
with their own eyes.

Well, some people would say
there's kind of an art

to what I do.
-I changed my flight for you!

You told me it was --
it was cancelled.

I lied! Obviously!

Jesus, just -- Yeah.
Call a taxi.
All right.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'll -- I'll push my flight.

-Don't do me any favors.
-Ple-- I want to. I do.

Of course,
I wanna push my flight, J--

Hey, come on.
Please don't leave now.

Why not?

Well, beignets.

♪♪

-What will it be?
-Two beignets,

we know that for sure,
and...

A chicory coffee.

No, uh, regular.
Two regular coffees, please.

Allow me to explain.

Um, chicory
was originally marketed

as kind of a filler
to make coffee go farther.

It's kind of like
it's a dried up old beet root

with absolutely
no caffeine in it.

Drinking chicory coffee
when regular coffee is available

is kind of like seeing
a bong full of fresh
Jack Herer and going,

"Nah, no, thanks.
I'll just, uh --

I'll take
that half-smoked spliff

out of that ashtray
over there." [Sniffs]

-Do you ever shut up?
-I do not, no.

But, hey, you knew that,
didn't you?

-I'm such an idiot!
-No, you're not.

You're not an idiot.
You didn't know.

Chicory is real popular
around here.

Jules!

[Cellphone clicks]

What's up?
[Cellphone chimes]

I started thinking,
"I like it here, and...

I like being with Jim."

If I don't buy
into this team,

that's five months
during the off-season.

Maybe I could split
my time between --

Well, yes. We --
Why can't we do that?

An hour ago,
it was New Orleans.

Now it's Atlanta. What's it
gonna be in six months?

I can't just follow you around!
-Why not?

Jules, I am...
I am very delightful.

I have a life in Morristown,
in case you forgot.
No, I know.

I know better than
to ask you to leave there.

But, look, Jules --
-Then what are you saying?

I am saying I've been
doing some thinking, too.

Tonight was amazing.
I mean, it was just --

Right? It was unbelievable.
[Sniffs]

Why can't we meet up
once a month

at one of my road games?

Could be in Miami or St. Louis,
Cincinnati, wherever.

The point is, it will be
a night just like tonight,

we'll be two people,
we won't know anybody.

We'll be free
to just explore a new city.

We can just drink
and dance and just...

screw and...

We can just --
We can disappear, Jules.

So, a bender?

No, okay, yes -- no.
But, yes, all right.

Well, just think about it,
just for a second.

All highs, no lows.
Right?

We'll never have to fight over
who empties the dishwasher

or pick up
each other's dry cleaning

or ask each other,
"How was your day, hon?"

Jules, I'll never
have to pretend

that I didn't
just hear you fart.

Okay, think about that.
No, wait -- no, really!

We just cut out all
the mundane bullshit

and get right to
the perfect relationship.

The "mundane bullshit"
is a relationship.

Yeah, but I know, but why settle
for that when we can --

you know, we can make up
our own rules!
Because I'd
still be settling.

I want someone to have
a night like tonight with

who'll also be there
when I wake up in the morning.

I want to have adventures
with someone,

but I also want someone
to pay the bills with and...

go grocery shopping

and tell me when it's time
to wash my smelly jeans.

And I deserve all that.
-Jules, you do.

Dear God, you do.

It's all I can offer you
right now, though.

You have a choice, and you're
not choosing me -- again!
[Cellphone chimes]

Come on. That's a very harsh way
to put it.

What are you doing?
I was gonna take you
to the airport.

I won't subject you
to that mundane shit, hon.

[Car door closes]

Your beignets
are ready.

[Chuckles]

[Discordant jazz plays]

♪♪

[Giggles]

[Clicks tongue]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks open]

♪♪

Hey.

I'll have what he's having.
-What?

It's a callback,
asshole.

Give me
a Sazerac, neat.

[Exhales deeply]

Well, everybody, I want you
to enjoy yourselves!

Soak up every last moment
of New Orleans

that you possibly can.
Why?

Because the sea levels,
they are rising faster

than even the most dire
predictions, and nobody,

and I mean nobody in power
seems to give a shit about that.

Two generations. Two.

All the above-ground cemeteries,
they're gonna be underwater.

So, uh...yeah, we're all
just playing a fiddle

while Rome drowns,
aren't we?

So salud.

[Woman laughs]

What's so funny
down there?

Oh, nothing, Al Gore.

Thanks for
the climate-change lecture.

I'll be sure
to buy a Prius.

Not saying we should
try to stop it.

I'm saying we should embrace it.
Just embrace the futility.

[Chuckles]

You sound like a junior-high kid
who just discovered Nietzsche.

Yeah, well, it's not my first
nihilist rodeo, I assure you.

[Chuckles]

So you really think
our actions are meaningless?

That...

consequences
don't matter?

Prove it.

And how would you
like me to do that?

-[Screams]
-Oh, shit!

[Man groaning]

-What the hell are you doing?!
-Looking for my Tide Pen.

Jesus Christ!

When you're really ready to go
down the rabbit hole,

call me.

All right, okay.

Shit.

♪♪

Are you --
Are you all right?

[Straining]
Mm-hmm.

♪♪