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1 [upbeat music]

[knocking on glass]

Unsweetened almond milk latte, no foam.

But that is your drink, right?

Yes.

- On me. - Thanks.

Uh... [clears throat]

Look, we shouldn't...

Like, we should just act like we didn't, you know?

Oh, um, I think...

You know, just to keep it professional.

'Cause I'm not trying to be

anything more than coworkers with you,

and I don't want you to bring,

like, a bouquet of roses next time.

Jack, my man.

- Thank you. - You got him a...

Uh, dude, how'd you know I like six pumps of hazelnut?

It's, like, the perfect amount of hazelnut.

[chuckles]

[snaps fingers]

You got coffee for everyone?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- But you were saying? - No.

- I think... - Nope.

Something about roses, wasn't it?

No. N-O.

- Thanks for the coffee. - You are welcome.

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

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Hi, yes.

- [papers rustling] - Hold on one second.

- [speakerphone chimes] - Can you flip those any louder?

Has anyone seen our CFO?

Guy made such a stink about being on time,

and now I bet he's gonna be late.

God, I hate people like that.

- Um, I'm here. - Oh. Well, hi. Hi, Jin.

Next time, say hello. Don't be rude.

I did, and you said hello back, like, five minutes ago.

Nobody likes a shamer.

Hey, so what's the deal with today?

Some type of big conference call?

Earnings call.

Yes, like in your former line of work when the...

Like, the main factory man is...

There's an inspection, and he...

Do you know what? I'm sorry.

I don't really know anything about manual labor.

Every quarter, we report our earnings to investors.

If they're good, stock price goes up.

If they're bad, stock price goes down.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

- And, uh, this quarter is... - Real bad.

Yeah, but we're gonna make them sound good

so the stock doesn't take too much of a hit.

It's kinda the art of an earnings call.

- And that helps? - Not really.

No. Got excited about saying

"the art of an earnings call,"

but I've got nothing to back it up with.

Sure, the numbers are weak,

but they're not that out of line with our competitors.

I think if you just project a positive,

confident tone, it'll...

Oh, I'm not worried. I mean, I just started here.

I'm not responsible for last quarter.

No, I'm not saying that you'd be blamed.

I know. I mean, if anything, the worse Payne looks now,

the better I look later, you know what I mean?

It's like those weight loss journey photos.

It's like if, in the before picture,

maybe you stick your belly out a little bit

and then, "Oh, I'm so big and fat," you know?

And that way, even if you don't lose a pound,

all of a sudden, hmm, looks like you're so skinny.

Yeah. I mean, I can see how that would make you look good.

Less so the rest of us.

But if it looks too bad,

it will kill our stock price, so...

Well, I mean, my options don't vest until 2025.

Until then, it's just 20 million monopoly dollars

I can't touch, you know what I mean?

- 20 million. - Yeah.

[clears throat] That is a lot

but makes sense 'cause you're the CEO.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, do you know anything

about insider trading?

Well, I'm the general counsel of a publicly traded company,

so I'd like to hope I know a little.

Right, so if someone sold shares before an earnings call

where they know the numbers aren't strong...

Oh, that's insider training.

- Let me finish. - Mm-hmm.

But that knowledge isn't the reason they sold,

which they can prove because they still have the notes

that they'd written on a newspaper

from several months ago

saying they planned on selling today...

Wait, they wrote the notes several months ago

or they wrote the notes today

on a newspaper from several months ago?

- How would you know? - Huh, it's interesting.

Well, here's a question for you.

Is the person investigating you a third grader

dressed as a detective for Halloween?

No, it's not.

Is it the FBI?

It would be them, yes.

Gosh, well, that's a, uh... That's a real thinker.

Okay, look, I have this guy in the Caymans.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

I have a policy for my own protection

to exit any conversation where someone uses the phrase

"I have a guy in the Caymans," so good luck.

Remember, when you get to prison,

pick the biggest guy in the yard

and shank him or whatever it is.

Okay, whatever, weirdo. [chuckles]

Anyway, if I call my guy and I'm like,

"Hey, how's the weather down there?"

that means that the stock is going down

and he needs to sell.

But I didn't actually say it.

That sounds a little sketchy.

No, he's, like, super legit.

He uses burner phones. He's literally untraceable.

Wesley, what do you do here?

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter]

Can you please not pass out the pens?

See, because nobody uses them,

and then I gotta clean it all up after.

I know you're new here...

Okay, just trying to make myself useful.

If you ain't doing nothing right now...

Yeah, I'm not. I'm not.

I'd love a chai latte, please.

One chai latte.

Oh, are you making another coffee run?

- I would love a large cold brew. - Okay.

Could I get two ham and smoked gouda

sous vide egg bites

and one gooey coconut dream bar?

Backup to the dream bar is dipped madeleines.

Okay, I'm connecting the call.

- [speakerphone chimes] - Just tell me when I'm on.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm, I'm on? - Mm-hmm.

Hi, thanks for joining the Payne Motors

quarterly earnings call.

We're so excited to talk to you

about some of the exciting things we have coming up.

Maybe the most exciting is our new CEO, Katherine Hastings.

Thank you, Sadie.

You know, I'm not gonna sit here

and read some big fake happy speech.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

The numbers last quarter were rough.

They were no bueno.

Payne is feeling the pain, as they say.

And look, mistakes were made. Mea culpa.

Well, not mea culpa. Actually, they-a culpa.

Anyway, before I turn it over to our CFO,

who will review some of these not-so-great numbers,

- are there any questions? - [computer chimes]

We have a couple of hands raised here in the chat.

Let's start off with the analyst at Morgan Stanley.

Oh.

- You are now unmuted. - Hello there.

Ms. Hastings, hi.

It's clear how you feel about the state of the company,

but it's also your job as CEO

to bring in new ideas on day one.

Could you tell us some of those ideas?

Uh... uh, yeah, ideas. Sure.

Well, I mean, of course I have lots of ideas.

I mean, I have full notebooks and whiteboards and...

Well, I don't have to tell you where they're written.

But they're there.

But yeah, could you give some examples?

Okay, we should only do one question per person,

so you can cut him off.

I think they wanna hear one of your ideas.

Yeah, thank you, Jin.

Well, you kind of stepped on the surprise there.

Because yeah, I did have one very big announcement

that I was saving to make at the end of this call.

And I just didn't wanna, you know, blow my load

right out of the top here.

I didn't mean, you know, blow your load.

I didn't mean blow my load.

I wasn't talking...

Is the expression "blow my load,"

is that about ejaculation always?

- Semen. - Yes.

Because to me, it's about skeet shooting.

It's just, I grew up... I was a summer camp person,

and we would blow our load,

you know, regularly for the batch.

But you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna Google that sucker, and we will circle back.

And for the moment, I will hand it over to you, Jin.

Thank you so much.

Hello, I'm Jintao Kang,

Payne's chief financial officer.

I'll start by discussing the Q1 balance sheet.

What do these people expect from me?

When I first started at York, no one was like,

"Hey, you've been here for six weeks.

What diseases are you gonna cure?"

Do you know how long it takes to develop a drug?

Well, we're here now. The clock is ticking.

And we falsely promised a big announcement.

I mean, maybe we can just walk this back somehow.

No, I'm not gonna make an idiot of myself

on my first earnings call, okay?

So what is exciting that's coming down the pipeline

that we can announce?

We're going into production on the Payne Pika.

It'll retail for $12,600, making it the most...

Can it be $10,000?

No, we barely got it down to $12,600, so...

Okay, but people like a round number,

you know what I mean?

You go to the Dollar Store.

You don't go to the $1.26 Store.

It's like, "26?" I mean, uh.

What if you told people you're pregnant?

At your age, it would be shocking.

Like, people would be scared for you.

Cool. Can we beat old pregnant lady?

The new auto workers contract is all but finalized.

Which we can't announce since it is not finalized.

Why can't we finalize it now?

Our negotiator is hiking the Himalayas.

Oh, really? In the middle of talks.

- Must be nice. - His father has cancer.

I think it was, like, a last trip together sort of a thing.

Wow, it's always something, isn't it?

People love pregnancy stuff.

Those posts get so many likes on Insta.

Great. What are the sticking points on the contract?

I think they're after another four vacation days.

Okay, great. Get the union guys down here, offer them three, wrap it up.

We'll announce it on the call.

- Me? - Yeah. You know what?

Take him with you for credibility.

Yeah, you used to do labor.

Do you wanna do it, Jack?

- Definitely. - Okay, great. Do it quickly.

And Sadie will keep the call going until we're done.

After Jin's part, there's not much for me to say.

But I'll say it slowly. Please, hurry.

Hey, hey, hey, if you guys get this deal done,

it'll probably boost the stock price, right?

- Yeah. Why? - Just curious.

Yo, what's up down there?

I mean... what's up?

Forget the down part. Just, what's up?

What's up? Remember the code?

When I say, "What's up?" you buy the stock.

Damn it. Wrong number.

I found this phone. I don't know whose it is.

I just called a random number.

With an EBIT margin, also known

as an operating profit margin, at 11.5%,

which concludes my report.

Thank you, Jin.

Now, do you think you could recap those numbers

in a more conceptual way?

Why?

Just so we have it.

No, I think we're good.

In that case, I will recap some of Jin's numbers.

Eep. Okay.

11.5% profit margin.

See, that, for everyone out there, it's more than 10,

but it's not quite 12.

And percent is out of a hundred.

Gentlemen, thanks for coming over so fast.

Wanna get all this wrapped up.

This is Jack, who used to work...

Oh, I know Jack, just never seen him cleaned up before.

How you doing, man?

- Good to see you, man. - Yeah, you too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steve was my shop steward.

- Ah. - Yeah, back when he

was on the line with us regular folk.

Then one day, bam,

gets swooped up to the ivory tower,

- like a Disney movie. - [laughter]

Just call me Aladdin.

I was thinking more like "The Little Mermaid."

[laughter]

I suppose that makes me Sebastian?

[chuckles awkwardly] Do you remember him?

He was the jolly crab. I think he was a Jamaican.

The crab lived in the water.

You'd be more like one of the prince's land friends.

- Sir Grimsby. - Yeah, you'd be Sir Grimsby.

Right, well, okay.

Shall we get this thing started?

And profit is what you make

minus what you spent to make it.

- I say that right? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and now I'll turn you over

to our chief designer, Cyrus Knight,

who would like to discuss with you some of the developments

coming up in automotive technology in the future.

Sure, yeah.

There's a few innovations we might see

over the next five years.

Or even the next 20.

Well, I think we're in agreement on the key issues.

So how about we throw in an extra vacation day

and put this puppy to bed?

We're asking for four days.

I'm asking for a night of unbridled passion

with, uh, Holly Willoughby,

but I don't think that's gonna happen, do we?

She's very lovely.

Um, look, cards on the table, I can go to two days.

We'll meet you in the middle, three.

Ed, I would love to give you three days.

But like I said, it's two days. Take it or leave it.

- Can you give us a minute? - Sure.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Hey, didn't Katherine say we can give them three days?

Yeah, so think how good we'll look if they just take two.

It's like extra credit.

Okay.

Two days. Deal.

Fantastic. Thank you, gentlemen.

Give us 15 minutes, and we will draft something up

that you guys can take a look at.

Great. Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

- Ariel. - [laughs]

Seriously, man, I'm glad to see you doing so well.

It's nice to have one of our own up there

looking out for us.

- They can go to three days. - What?

Katherine wants to announce the deal today

on an earnings call, so she said

we can give you guys up to three days.

Why are you telling me this?

Because, man, I just...

I remember what those extra vacation days

meant to all those guys down there.

Wow. Thanks, Jack, that means a lot.

Got it.

So we have a lot of leverage?

Yeah, to get the extra vacation day.

Hey, guys, guess what my little mermaid just told me.

- We got them over a barrel. - No, that's...

I was just trying to get you the extra vacation day.

[grunts]

Six extra vacation days, dental HMO,

a gym voucher, longer breaks...

Sorry, I'm a bit confused.

I thought the sticking point was vacation days.

How did all of this get opened up again?

It's so confusing. I don't know what's going on.

All right, I'm authorized to offer you three days.

That is the absolute maximum, so we can't go above that.

That's what you said about two days.

Yes, yes. Thank you, Ed.

Well minuted, but I was lying to you then.

For that, I am very sorry, but I'm telling the truth now.

Absolute truth. This is it.

So you have to believe me. Please?

Nope? Okay. So I'll be right back.

And by 2050, I expect we'll have autonomous drone vehicles,

many of them flying, powered by the sun and/or wind

and/or nuclear energy.

Hey, hey, hey. Come.

If you really examine how we have...

Thank you so much, Cyrus.

That made me think.

Katherine here.

- I am so pleased to finally... - [clears throat]

I'm so sorry.

My CCO has just told me

that she has something very important to communicate,

and so I'm gonna leave it to her.

Yes, I just thought it was important to acknowledge

the people we've lost this year at Payne due to... death.

I thought it was just a matter of vacation days.

This reads like a terrorist's list of demands.

I was completely blindsided, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

You know who really screwed us over?

That labor negotiator. "My daddy has cancer"?

Oh, come on. Really?

We're supposed to believe that a terminally ill cancer patient

has the energy to climb a mountain?

I think it's the kind of cancer

where you stop taking chemo

and then you start feeling pretty good.

And then you die.

Well, that's really sad.

Maybe we should send him one of those fruit bouquet things.

- Mm-hmm. - Mildred Burko.

Derek something,

can't remember his last name.

He was short and had a lazy eye.

It wasn't lazy. One was just smaller than the other.

Okay, well, Derek whatever his name...

- Ptosis. - Derek Ptosis.

No, that's the condition

where one eye is smaller than the other.

Hey, that guy didn't die.

I think he got arrested for some photos

he had in his computer.

Anyway, let's all take a moment of silence

for those no longer with us.

Even Derek?

Can you just put the call on mute?

[speakerphone chimes]

I cannot do this anymore.

Hey, our stock price is in a free fall.

Damn it. I'm so bad at trading stock.

It should just be more predictable,

but it goes up and down all over the place.

It's just... it's not fair.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

Katherine's probably getting hit worse than anyone.

Why? How much stock does she have?

As of this morning,

her signing bonus was worth $20 million.

She got $20 million just to sign?

Are you kidding me? It's not like she's Elon Musk.

You guys, you guys, I don't think that we should be talking

about this in front of...

But you put the call on mute.

Mm-hmm.

So they can't hear us.

We can't hear them.

I'm sorry, did you wanna put us on mute?

'Cause that's different than putting the call on mute.

- [computer chiming] - So everything we just said?

Thousands of people?

Anyway, so not sure if any of you heard any of that.

Oh, they did.

We got a lot of questions coming in.

Derek Gobetti. That was his name.

Derek Gobetti. That guy was hilarious.

I wish I could give you everything on this list.

Believe me, I really do. But coffers are empty, guys.

It's funny how you guys are always flush

when you talk with Wall Street,

and then with us, times are always tough.

I am not making this up.

I told our investors the same thing this morning

- on our earnings call. - That's true, actually.

You can hear online.

Just not sure if this is the livestream or the recording.

Katherine's $20 million bonus isn't even that much,

- given how profitable... - Oh, God.

Payne has been over the past year.

She could have asked for more.

Yeah, no, that's... That was the livestream.

Whoops.

Hey, Jin.

Remember how, several months ago,

we had that conversation

about how I plan to sell a bunch of stocks

on the day of our next earnings call

regardless of how the company was doing?

I don't remember that at all.

Please remember, Jin, please.

Obviously, I meant mute us.

They were already on mute.

You cannot mute someone who's already on mute.

I mean, that is an oxymoron.

- You mean it's redundant. - You know what?

You've been of no help to me today, Jin.

Okay, if you're out here, who's keeping the call going?

- Wesley. - [sighs]

Can't get any worse.

Louis C.K. was literally

the greatest comedian of our time.

And you all like to hate him, but you know what?

You all used to love him.

We would go bankrupt

if we give them everything on this list.

Okay, what about some sort of sweetener,

like a Taco Tuesday or Hot Dog Wednesdays?

I think they just want things like dental.

Right, yeah, but they're not gonna say no to hot dogs.

- People love hot dogs. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

- People love hot dogs. - Yeah, they do, but...

What about Funny Hat Day? Funny Hat Day.

I like that.

Hey, man.

I told you that stuff about vacation days

as a friend, not so you could screw us over.

I know, and I'm sorry,

but it's my job to look out for my guys,

even when that means screwing over management.

Me? I'm not management.

- No? - No, no.

I mean, I don't even think I'm in the payroll system yet.

Technically, I think I'm, like, an intern?

Look, Jack, you're a nice guy.

But in the end, you're gonna have to decide

whether you live on land or in the water.

You can't be both.

What if you were in a Woody Allen movie

and you worked really hard to get there

and you did a nice job and you didn't do the stuff

that Woody Allen did... You didn't do that stuff...

Would you want people to just stop watching your movies?

I don't think so.

Okay, so we're up to four extra days,

extra dollar per hour base pay,

more flexible maternity leave.

Yeah, Hot Dog Wednesdays.

Yes. Come on, guys.

This is a really generous offer.

There's nothing left to give.

Sorry, if that's all you've got,

then I think we're done here.

Good luck with the rest of your call.

Yeah.

Good luck with elections next month.

Really hope you all keep your jobs.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that these are pretty sweet jobs,

sitting around while everybody on the line

works their asses off.

And if they found out how you passed

on four extra vacation days, better pay,

and Hot Dog Wednesdays... [inhales sharply]

You really might find yourself

back on the line with the rest of them.

But, you know, I'm still friends

with a lot of those guys.

I can check in with them, see what they think.

Now, why would you do something like that?

I don't know.

Guess I'm not a mermaid anymore.

What... what is he talking about?

Oh, God, it's just this weird thing.

They're all obsessed with "The Little [bleep] Mermaid."

And you could put up all the smoke and mirrors

that you want.

We all know Adnan did it.

Adnan is guilty.

And don't get me started on "Tiger King."

Carole Baskin, I'm coming for you.

You didn't have to do that to that man.

What happened?

What happened is that everything almost fell apart

until psycho killer here

stepped in and just demolished them.

Seriously? Yes, Jackknife.

No, I really, really did not do that much.

No, this guy has ice in his veins.

I mean, no soul,

and I mean that in the best possible way.

Yeah, he was a sniper.

I was kinda like the guy who guards the door

behind the sniper to protect him.

You know, sniper can't do his job without that guy.

So it's kind of an important part that people often forget.

- Hmm. - So is that call still going?

Yeah, let's announce this baby.

All right, huh. What a day it's been, right?

Well, I wanna thank you all for listening.

And before I go, a little drumroll, please.

I am excited to announce that we have finalized

a new labor contract.

So little cherry on the sundae for you there.

Thank you all again, and we will see you next quarter.

- [computer chimes] - Oh, we just got a question

from an analyst at JP Morgan.

- Same guy as before? - No, that was Morgan Stanley.

- Lot of Morgans. - [speakerphone chimes]

Ms. Hastings, wasn't the labor contract

almost finalized before you joined Payne?

That's not your big announcement, is it?

Uh, no. No.

The big announcement, no. It was more of just good news.

It was kind of an appetizer to the main...

You know, to the main course kind of a situation.

And so that main course is... Another drumroll,

a bigger drumroll here...

We are going into production on the Payne Pika,

and it will be retailing for... wait for it... $10,000.

- Um... - Little early Christmas there.

All right, thank you so very much to you all.

And God bless you, and also God bless America as well.

- Mm-mm. - [speakerphone chimes]

We're clear.

Hey, Steve, Steve.

Hey.

Sorry about before.

It wasn't personal, but it all worked out, right?

Sorry. I don't mingle with management.

- Rough day? - Not the best.

- You? - I've had better.

Buy you a smoothie? My treat.

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

This is just a smoothie, though.

I don't want you getting the wrong idea.

Got it. I won't.

Not putting out.

Nope, this is just a friend/coworker smoothie.

- That is it. - You're very close

to getting no boba.

- They got boba? - Yeah.

Things just got very interesting.

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