Original subtitles

Whoo

Come on

Whoo

Come on

Whoo

Come on

Whoo

Come on

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

I used to kick it with the thugs

Pushin' drugs in the park

Makin' every mark

That was out after dark

Stick 'em for their loot

Cut 'em up, then I'd dash

And when I had to shoot

I'd nutted up for the cash

Ran down the block with my .45 Glock

Capped off a round, everybody hit the ground

The next thing I heard was a siren

Couldn't turn around, money grip kept firin'

Runnin' for the ride, I can't go inside

I'd rather that I died, I got too much pride

I guess it's just something that you can't understand

My gun's in my hand, tell me who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

I used to sell yayo back in the day-o

Ran with the gang, had all my homie's slang

Grams to the quarters, I'm takin' all the orders

Makin' all the runs

Rakin' in the funds

I always got my gun, it's that old 6-shooter

I'm the king of the neighborhood

Crazy white peckerwood

People thinkin' Danny lost his mind

It must have been from all the wine, man

And all the hard times

Like chillin' in the park in the dark with the crew

I'm always gettin' high, I saw my man die

Now I got the work and the dough

25 grand and the 5 keys of blow

I got to relocate and start all over

But watch it blow up like a supernova

I keep my game in tight and follow my plan

My gun's in my hand, so tell me who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90...

1...2...

Morning, Brenda. Wanna get in?

Sorry, I got man business.

Whoo!

Brenda's got man business.

Look at her, man. Yo, check it out.

Check it out. Check it out.

Yo, Brenda, what's up, baby?

Damn!

That was House of Pain

with ''Who's the Man?''

here on the Kid Capri music show.

It's 55 degrees and sunny

in New York City...

and it's time to open up the airwaves...

and let the audience take over.

Our first caller's from Flatbush, Brooklyn!

You're on the air!

This is Rosanna Rodriguez...

Rivera Ramirez Hernandez de la Cruz...

and I wanna give a shout out to Tito the 40-Ounce King...

and Jose in Riker's lsland.

Don't worry--I'm keeping that coochie warm, baby!

Damn. I bet that coochie's warm.

Yo, this is Deep Jack Jones...

from Patterson, New Jersey...

and I want to give a shout out...

to my girl Judy...

my son Elijah, my brother K-Love...

my sister Wanda, my dog Ziggy...

and my cat Muffy--

Hey, hey, hey, slow down.

We only have so much time.

You understand, my brother?

Let's get to the next caller.

You're on the air.

Kid, this is Juanita from Strong lsland.

I wanna give a shout out to my man Miguel...

who hasn't come home in 2 nights.

Fuck you, Miguel!

You hear me, motherfucker?

Chill! Chill!

The F.C.C. is gonna shut me down.

You understand what l'm saying?

Yo, check this out.

This is the Kid Capri radio show.

We want y'all to sit back, relax...

and feel the vibe of New York City.

I'm out, but I'll be back...

so chill out.

What do you think about those condos, Albert?

I don't know why they building them condos in Harlem, Nick.

It don't make no sense.

Black man can't live in no condo.

I hear you.

Want some talcum powder for your neck?

I love that talcum powder.

A condo's a good investment.

What you talking about investments?

Give me that $20 you owe me.

What $20?

Look, Gerald, everybody's doing that B-boy thing.

Look like someone took a chainsaw to their head.

Let me hook you up, give you something new...

something fresh!

Yo, fuck good and fresh, man.

Just hook my shit up the regular way: fade.

Fade, fade, fade. That's all everybody want.

Fade, fade, fade.

Fine, it's your head.

Back the fuck up off me, man.

Why you touching me like that for?

You know you like it.

You be my way soon.

Yo, whatever you say.

Save that shit.

That's right. Whatever I say is right.

I'll ride you like...

one of them go-go dancers on ''Soul Train.''

Lickin' her toes all in my mouth.

Working myself up toward her thighs.

Kissing ever so gently around her gut.

Then I started kissin' on her titties.

Then, you know she's got a big mouth.

She says, um--she says...

''What you gonna do with my lips?''

''I says, I'm gonna put some crazy glue on you...

if you don't shut the fuck up.''

You need to stop talking all that shit, G.

Hey! Nigger dude...

I'm not talking no shit.

What you laughin' at, Ray, with your ugly ass?

Look like you bit a brick.

He's right.

You through.

What's up, everybody?

Hey, how you doing?

Good, man. What's up, man?

What's up, Roscoe?

What up? What up? What up? What up?

Come on. Get in the chair, man.

Come on, Roscoe, get in the chair, man.

Yeah, Roscoe, get in the chair, man.

Keep your dick fingers off them clippers, man.

Look what you did to my shit the last time I was in here.

That's in! That's the new Hammer!

Fuck, Hammer, man.

My shit is like George Fucking Jefferson, man.

My shit is backed up like traffic, man.

Man, if he don't want his cut...

can I get mine cut now?

You next!

Always next.

Motherfucker, please!

Roscoe, get in the chair!

It's got to be an improvement.

Got to!

Yo, I'll kick both your asses.

And we're moving on up

Movin' up--

- Weezy-- - We--

Hello, fellas.

Hey, Nick.

Hey, Frankie.

Who's playing today?

I am!

Holy Mother of Mary.

Let's, uh, just get going here, huh?

Give me my 8-2-1, Frank.

Give me 7-5-4.

1-8-4, and if I don't make my rent,

I'm giving your number to my landlord.

A little snippy there, Mushmouth.

I really--I don't know about your whole attitude.

Get your hands...

- Hey, Big Nick. - Hey.

How long's the wait, man?

No wait at the end, Boogie.

...for letting me touch his hair.

You the one that fucked his hair up the last time.

Man, I wouldn't let them 2 brothers cut my taxes.

I think I'll wait.

Half price.

Half price, Roscoe.

Hey, Nick, you playing today?

Uh, 4-6-2. I feel lucky, Frankie.

Great. You love 4-6-2.

Hey, Nick, you really know Sugar Ray Leonard?

Yup. I cut his hair right in this chair.

Wow. You know, I grew up with him

on 109th and Amsterdam in the same building.

He grew up in Maryland, Frankie.

A tremendous fighter.

Hey, Nick, why let that white boy in here?

You just mad because he makes more money than you do.

Damn squirrel makes more than he does.

A crippled squirrel.

Uh-oh, Mushmouth Rockefeller, come on, and sit down here.

Can I get a cut?

No wait down at the end.

- My man. - What's up?

Hey, get that there on the other side!

Adrian! Adrian!

All right, homes, you're the victim...

of another Doctor Dré and Ed Lover masterpiece.

Yo, man, what'd you do to my hair, man?

And that'll be 17.50 plus tip.

Yo, man, what did you do to my hair?

Damn!

You better put your head in a bag, man.

I wouldn't let them brothers cut my grass.

Shut up, K.K. See, this is...

that new Wesley Snipes ''New Jack City, Part 6'' shit.

Man, Wesley Snipes after the money ran out!

Oh, Wesley was here yesterday. I gave him his last cut.

When was Wesley Snipes in this chair, man?

When your ass was at White Castle.

Now be quiet.

Come on. Why you gotta be bullshitting everybody, man?

What did you do to my hair, man?

Now, you gotta hold your head at the angle.

Man, see, women are gonna think you're a big Wesley Snipes.

Go, Wesley, go Wesley

Go, go, go Wesley

It's your birthday

Ed Lover, you a liar!

Yo, Brenda.

Shut up, Dré!

You been telling people you're sleeping with me?!

But, Brenda, I ain't--

Don't ''But, Brenda'' me.

You ain't nothing but a virgin anyway.

Who?! Me?! Ed lover?!

I ain't no virgin.

I ain't!

Oh!

- Damn! - Damn!

Ooh!

Fuck Tyson.

- Mmm! - Mmm!

Fuck him.

So her panties around my neck, right?

Around your neck?

Yeah, yeah, so she said to me, ''Ed, baby...

I want you to take your hand''...

I bet she did.

''And put it right here...

'''cause you know the way I like it...

when you put your hand right there.''

Why are you lying to me?

Shut your lying mouth and sweep, boy.

Oh, come on, Nick.

How come we always gotta sweep up after everybody, man?

Yeah, Nick. We've been here for over a year.

Ed, Dré, you know I love you like sons, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We've gone through a whole lot together, haven't we?

True. We've been through a whole lot.

For the last 6 months, all I've been getting...

is complaints about your haircuts.

I ask you to straighten up. You haven't done it.

You 2 are the worst barbers in Harlem.

What you trying to say, Nick?

I have to let you go.

Fired? Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick.

Ain't nothing happening. Nothing happening.

I'm serious.

You boys have got to find careers for yourselves.

I was just reading in the paper today...

the police force is hiring brothers.

- The police?! - The police?!

Uh-uh, Nick. Uh-uh.

Ain't trying to be the man.

Dré, you trying to be the man?

I am not trying to be the man.

See that, Nick?

Dré don't want to be the man.

I don't want to be the man.

Nobody here wants to be the man, Nick.

Give me one reason.

- Rodney King! - Rodney King!

It's a job, boys.

It's too violent, Nick. Man, we not doing that.

You're always watching karate movies.

Man, those Bruce Lee movies are B.S., man...

but when you the man...

people really shoot at you.

That's right.

Anyway, we got another career.

What is it this week?

We're gonna be nightclub promoters, man.

That'll be real risky for you boys.

See, me and my man--we live right on the edge, man.

I'll tell you what.

If you take the test, you can stay here...

till you find out the results.

If you don't...

I'll fire both your asses right now.

What's wrong with you?!

I saw a rat, Nick. What's up with that?

What you laughing at?

How can you be scared of a little rat...

you big wuss?

Hey, Nick, I can't believe...

he pissed in his pants over a little rat.

You're a wuss, man.

Knock it off, both of you!

If you don't take the test, you won't get paid no more!

That's it!

Yo, man, come on. Get back.

Come on, man, you bad-haired motherfucker.

Go to the end of the line, baby.

One line. One line.

Come on, man, stop holding back.

Brother, chill out, man.

Yo, there ain't no guest list.

So stop talking that.

There ain't no guest list.

Hey, ho

You drew a picture of my morning

But you couldn't make my day

I'm rockin' and you're yawning

But you never look my way

I'm lickin' down you, darlin'

In every single way

Your funny flow is foreign

And a green card's on the way

This ain't got to do with shampoo

But watch your head and shoulders

Brother older bold enough to fold ya, yo, I told ya

A raid afraid of what I made plus played a funky fit

So save ya flips plus tricks

For that music and the monkey bit

Thank you.

Dré needs you upstairs right now.

It's an emergency. Sweatin' his balls off.

All right. Here go the money, Frankie.

Yo, George, I'll be right back.

Frankie, it's $10. No skimming.

I know. $10.

It's $15.

$20. $20.

- I'm sorry. $20. - $20.

20-damn-dollars. Get your ass on in there.

What you looking at, old scarecrow?

Who you calling a scarecrow?

40 for you.

Hey, ho

Hey, ho

Hey, ho

Hey, ho

You heard a lot about a brother gaining mo' ground

Being low down, I do the showdown

With any little ho round

I wanna know who you're believing

Through your funny reasons

Even when I'm sleeping you think I'm cheatin'

You said I know you're Mr. O.P.P. Man

Yo, P.P. Man, won't only see me, man

You should've known that when we hit in the stack

That I was with it a bit, not to consider the rep

I did your partner cause she's hot as a baker

Cause I'm naughty by nature

Not cause I hate ya

You put your heart in a part of a part that spreads apart

Even though I forgave ya when you had a spark

Yo, man, I'm telling y'all...

y'all got that look.

I could make y'all the dopest rappers.

Hype, my man here got crazy contacts.

Motherfucker, please. Motherfucker, please.

Listen, y'all, cockstrong.

When I finish with y'all,

y'all gonna be hotter than Public Enemy...

E.P.M.D., and Vanilla Ice!

And Vanilla Ice.

Motherfucker, please. Motherfucker, please.

Tell 'em.

Ho

Hey, ho

Hey, ho

Hey, ho

Hip-hop hip-hip-hop hip-hip-hop hooray

There's many hungry hip-hoppers

One reason hip-hop's hip top today

Swerve what ya heard cause I ain't bailing hay

Ain't choppin' no crops but still growin' every day

Here's a thunder sound from the wonders found

From the underground town down the hill

Feel how illtown drown smiles to frowns

Snatchin' crowns from clowns

Beat downs are found

Don't know me, don't come around

Tippy tippy pause, tippy tippy pause

Sometimes creepin' up I eat em up

Your style is older than Lou Rawls

Peace to this one and that one and them

That's when I shout out and I didn't miss one friend

Yo, man, Naughty By Nature is ripping shit, man.

How we doing?

Yo, we cleared about 2,000 so far, man.

- We way up. - Aah!

That's 3 months' rent, homeboy.

Yo, man, Nick must have been crazy...

to make us take that police test.

I'm telling you something, man...

Nick's gonna be frickin' surprised...

when he find out we ain't taking nobody's police test.

You understand what I'm saying?

And every hood, G

That's right, my fight is ill

Peace goes to L.O.N.S. and Quest

Nice and Smooth and Cypress Hill

I live and die for hip hop

This is hip hop of today

I give props to hip hop, so hip hop hooray

Ho

Hey, ho

Hey, ho, hey

Everybody get the fuck down on the floor!

Everybody on the motherfucking floor!

Next person that moves is dead in this motherfucker.

All right! Give it up!

Give up all your shit!

Damn it! This ain't no joke.

Don't fuck with me! Give it here!

Put it in the fucking bag!

Give it up! Take it off!

Give it up! Bring it over!

Give me the money, man.

Yo, give me-- yo, give me the money, man!

Real man don't need a gun.

Sucker.

Give me the fucking wallet.

Why don't you get out of my face?

Damn.

Put your fucking head down. What you looking at?!

Name?

Date of birth?

Social security number?!

Why they gotta know all that?

It's what you gotta do on most job applications.

But I don't want the damn job.

You got any other bright ideas?

We're about to be evicted.

Why are you holding on to this piece of property...

like it's your wife?

I got my stake here, Lionel, don't you understand that?

Sell it, man.

It's just a barber shop.

You're being offered a fortune.

You got junkies and dealers in this block.

Later, man.

See you, Nick.

Bye to you, Lionel.

Good night, K.K. Get home safe, son.

Lionel, look at the pictures on my wall here.

Muhammad Ali, Marvin Gaye, Adam Clayton Powell.

I cut Adam Clayton Powell's hair in this chair.

I was so nervous, I almost cut the man.

Just look outside the window.

You got pipeheads and crack dealers...

right out there.

The kids can't play in the street anymore.

Didn't used to be like that, Nicky.

We've got to get all this bad shit outta here.

L.D., how we gonna get the bad shit out with me selling?

We've got to stay here, brother.

The people have got to take responsibility for this mess...

not the government...

and not some outside real estate developer...

like the one you're working for. Here.

Demetrius is not the problem, Nicholas.

He's just a white boy with a lot of money...

and if he wants to invest up here...

I say let's get a taste.

Every man's free to make his own choices, right, L.D.?

Don't forget who you are, brother.

Don't forget who you are.

Ed, Dré, lock up.

All right, Nick.

See you later, Lionel.

Good night.

No show. Give me all.

Get it, yo. Get yours, yo.

Love it, Rashid.

I'm telling you...

don't let me catch you on this block again.

Yo, man, put that gun down, man. What's up with you?

Cool out, man. I know this old fool.

You gonna be sorry you ever pulled a gun on me, old man.

I remember when your mother would bring you...

to my shop for haircuts.

Now you're out here selling stuff to your people.

You got Billy and Rashid out here with you.

You know what you need to do, man?

You need to get that gun the fuck out my face...

because you ain't fittin' to use it, man.

Take Dracula with you.

Yeah, fuck all you motherfuckers.

Fuck you old ass bastards, man.

Yadda, yadda.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Yeah, next time we'll rip you a new asshole...

you stupid son of a bitch.

They're breakin' my heart, man.

These kids are breakin' my heart.

I know. Put your gun away now. Put your gun away.

Yeah, it's all right. Let's get out of here.

Let me buy you a drink, man.

Yo, man, you eat some of my chips?

Why you always think about food, man?

I don't always think about food.

I think about other things.

That's all you worried about.

You don't think about nothing else.

I think about some other stuff.

What?

Girls, man: Tall ones, short ones, big ones--

Please, Dré. Please.

Ed Lover, what's up, man? How you doing?

Yo, Jose, what's up, man? I'm just coolin', man.

- Word. - Who's that?

That's my man, Jose Gomez, man.

We stole a car together when we was 15.

I ain't seen him since.

Hey, yo, Jose, this is my man Dré.

Yo, what's up, Dré? How you doing, man?

Word up, man.

Yeah, Jose, say hi to your sister for me, man.

Yeah, don't even try that.

I am John Boothby.

I'm the proctor.

The what?!

What's a proctor?

This is the standard police exam.

Please answer all the questions...

to the best of your abilities,

and don't forget to use your number 2 pencils.

Begin.

- Yo, man. - What's up?

How you finish the test so fast?

I spelled ''abbacadaba'' all the way down.

You did what?

I spelled ''abbacadaba'' all the way down.

My man! Yo, I did the same exact thing, man.

No way we passing that test.

Definitely not.

Look, man, you were not with Lorraine, man.

I'm telling you. Last night at my house...

on the couch, man.

I don't believe you.

- Me and lorraine. - No.

She's all over me, man. I'm telling you.

Yo, I heard y'all 2 wanted to be the man.

What's up with that?

Nah, man, we flunked that test.

Ain't nothing happening.

So why you wanna be the man, anyway?

Why? What do you 2 knuckleheads wanna be?

What you think?

Rappers. Rappers.

Rappers?!

You 2 can't even dress yourselves.

Yeah, suckers!

A bunch of wise-apples, man.

You want apples? 3 for $1.00.

I also got grapes!

Special on tomatoes.

Hey! Where you going?!

Now, look, Lionel.

I hired you to acquire certain properties in Harlem.

I must say I'm very chagrined...

that your friend Nick...

who owns a very important part of that Godforsaken block...

has refused to sell to me.

I can't make any moves until I acquire his property.

I've done everything I possibly--

No, you haven't!

You must take care of this.

We had a deal.

And if you renege on it...

I'll give your markers back as a gift...

to the guys that you owe that money to.

Now, that would be very unfortunate.

Joey, what happened here?

Building burnt down this afternoon...

and of course the fire department was late...

just like they was last week up the block.

Ain't nobody looking out for us out here, man.

Damn!

Nick, where we gonna live? Where we gonna go, man?

What's the landlord doing about this?

That Demetrius ain't nothin'.

That motherfucker don't give a Goddamn...

about what happens to none of us around here.

He owns this building?

He owns most of the neighborhood.

These people gonna stay in the church tonight.

I'll--I'll let you in. Come on.

Bring your children with me.

We're going with Nick, man.

Come on, let's go with Nick.

Fuck Demetrius. Let's get out of here, man.

Later for this fire department.

Look at Jed Clampett.

The man shoots at a possum...

and strikes oil.

How come that shit don't happen to us?

This ain't Hollywood, man.

This is Homeywood.

I want to be Jed Clampett.

What for?

He's got a phat house in Beverly Hills!

With his granny.

He's got more money than Bill Cosby.

You ever see Jed Clampett with a woman?

He's got a swimming pool.

You can't swim.

Elly May is fly.

You right. Elly May is fly.

But they're related, and if you Jed Clampett...

you got that fool Jethro living with you.

Man, l'd kick his monkey ass out.

But you can't do none of that...

'cause you here with me, Dré.

And you ain't never gonna get rich...

and you ain't moving to Beverly Hills.

Is anything ever gonna happen to us?

Someday, my brother.

That's it?

Life ain't no TV show, Dré.

Look at that fool Jethro, man!

I hate that motherfucker!

Throw his ass out, Jed! Get him out!

We are not going to the police academy...

are we?

Ain't no way that's gonna happen, man.

No way, no how.

You are police officers now!

Being a police officer is about one thing!

Who knows what that is?!

Harassing black people.

It's about order!

We are the people who have to maintain order!

Order in our own lives, and order on the job!

That means you can't go into a fried chicken joint...

and eat the Goddamn party plate anymore!

Is that clear?!

- Why not? - What?!

He said why not?

And if my man likes fried chicken, he can--

I don't like your attitude, boy!

Boy is a white racist word.

Shut the fuck up, pig!

I know how you got in here...

and I'm gonna be watching you!

Did you see him wrinkle my shirt, man?

Yeah, he fucked up your shirt.

Did you see him wrinkle my shirt, man?

What's wrong with old Mr. Clean?

Black Kojak trying to be better than Baretta.

Freeze!

Oh!

Every once in a while, there are civilian losses.

Try to avoid it.

Next!

Ready...

What the hell?! Get out of here!

Next!

Ready...

Ooh!

Get--get out of here!

You are gonna last about 2 minutes on the street!

Next!

No, no, no, y'all!

You're gonna blow your johnsons off.

Do it police style!

That's uptown style.

Gimme some.

Get back in line!

Ow!

Captain...

they screwed up every drill, every exercise...

and they have no respect for police regulations.

You know, when I was in Vietnam with Nick...

he was just like you 2.

He had no time for regulations...

but he was a helluva lot smarter than you 2 clowns...

and he could get away with it.

You were in 'Nam with Nick?

You don't think you got in here...

by the merit system, do you?

Now get your act together and do what Griles says.

Now get the hell out of here.

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Take it easy on them, Sergeant.

They're all right.

Yes, sir.

Amen!

Amen!

Amen!

I know God heard us today!

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

One of our community leaders...

has asked to speak to you today.

Is it all right?

Yes!

Is it all right?

Let's have an amen for our brother...

Deacon Nick Crawford.

Amen!

Thank you very much. Thank you, brother.

We in the Harlem community...

are faced with the threat of creeping gentrification.

Oh, that's a fancy word.

It means that people move to your block...

and make it nice.

They make it so nice...

you can't afford to live there...

unless you a judge, or something like that.

Now, we have got to let the people behind this...

know what time it is.

We have got to gain control of our neighborhood.

We need to support our own businesses.

We need to own our own homes.

We need to take Harlem back!

Now, I'm gonna lead a demonstration...

to stop these condos...

and I want to see all y'all there!

Give us back our neighborhood!

Don't go on, the strip is good...

Give us back our neighborhood!

Don't go on, the strip is good...

To protest the gentrification of Harlem...

by outside developers.

Our own Ralph McDaniels was on-site...

to interview the organizer of the march Nick Crawford.

Do you really think you'll be able...

to stop Demetrius?

The man has got to be stopped.

He's turning people from their homes.

The people in Harlem have got to stop...

the colonization of their neighborhood.

We have to give ownership back to these people.

You can't keep 'em down on the plantation.

They got to rise up.

He says he's building condos.

I don't see no building going on.

Oh, no, Dré! Look, man!

Nick's on TV!

The big problem in Harlem is Demetrius.

Crawford is a local merchant...

who has owned a barber shop...

You call us, boss?

I need to talk to you about a problem I'm having.

I'm telling you, Redd Foxx is alive.

Man, you crazy!

Redd Foxx ain't alive!

No, he's not dead.

He faked his own death...

so the I.R.S. wouldn't come looking for him.

Oh, God.

Him and Sammy Davis...

are hiding out together out in Las Vegas.

Redd Foxx dead!

Yo, man.

I want my initials on the side of my head.

Oh, no. See, where you been, son?

That was last year.

Why don't you let me style you, baby?

Make you look like Peabo.

- Oh, shit! - What the hell?

What up?

Wait. Wait. Hold up, guys.

Now--now this is fucked up!

Oh, lookee here. Lookee here.

My boys are cops. Well, all right.

Wait. Hold up, man. You mean to tell me...

they gave y'all guns?

Say, who in the fuck...

believe you 2 niggers cops, man?

Look at you--looking like before and after.

I swear to God.

I wish you would try to arrest me.

You'd be wearing 3 shoes.

2 on your feet, and one in your ass.

Back off, man.

I know y'all brothers ain't doing no real work.

I bet y'all writin' parking tickets.

Y'all need to represent...

comin' here with that bullshit, man!

Hold it!

We're here to fight the forces of evil...

to make the streets safe...

for you people to walk on.

So don't fuck with us.

Y'all are police!

It's wonderful!

Come on. Come on.

Come on, man!

What? I love a man in uniform.

You're looking mighty fly...

in that uniform, Officer Dré.

Looking mighty fly yourself, Officer Lover.

Man, this is a trip, Dré.

I never thought we could be cops.

You know we're going to have to do...

a lot of explaining in the street.

Yo!

Isn't that Jawaan's jeep?

Yeah, that's his jeep, man.

I'm going to pull him over...

so I can get my $10 he owes me.

I don't understand, man. What's going on, man?

I'm just here chillin' like.

You see us with our people...

me and my mens-like.

What's going on? Why's we being prohibited?

Jawaan.

Oh, shit!

Ed Lover. You the man?

That's right, Jawaan. I'm the man.

Who's the man?

Ed Lover's the man? Damn!

Yo, Jawaan!

Doctor Dré?!

You the man, too?

Oh, that shit is fucked up, kid!

Fucked up!

OK, OK. Listen up.

Listen up. Quiet!

Put the magazines away, now!

You guys are not selling enough...

of these raffle tickets, OK?

Somebody's gonna win this trip to the Poconos.

Get on the stick with this, all right?

OK.

Number one:

- Barnes. - Here.

I want you to go up to 153rd Street.

Keep the gang members away from the old ladies...

all right?

Got it.

- Day! - Here.

I want you to go up to St. Peter's.

Get the crackheads out of the bake sale, all right?

And get that hair out of your face.

Thank you.

All right. Uh...

Uh... Louver?

Lever?

Lover, Sergeant.

Lover.

And, uh...

Dree?

Dru?

Dra?

That's Dré, Sergeant.

Dré...

Doctor...Dré.

Yes, sir.

Everybody else dismissed.

Dree, Larva, up here, now.

Lover.

Yes, sir?

Have a doughnut.

Thank you, Sarge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Doc.

Doctor...Dré.

Let me ask you something. You got a stethoscope?

No. Do you, uh-- do you work in a hospital?

- No. - Do you have any patients?

No, no, no.

Did your mother give that name by birth?

No.

You just decided to become a doctor?

Yeah. OK. Uh...

Can I borrow your billy club, please?

Thank you.

Ahem.

Ahem!

Mother--

Thank you.

You know, my, uh, brother...

went to school for 8 years and took out $350,000...

in federally financed student loans...

that he's paying back at an interest rate of 18%.

So he should be done paying that about...

I don't know--when he's about 75 years old...

just so he can call himself Dr. Cooper!

Excuse me, Sarge...

mind if I have a doughnut?

No...

you may not have a doughnut, OK?

You will never have a doughnut again, ever.

You will never have another doughnut, OK?

Lover can have as many doughnuts as he wants.

He can have a dozen doughnuts.

He can have 2 dozen doughnuts.

He can strap a fag bag full of doughnuts...

around his waist when he goes to work.

He can have a giant doughnut on the top of the squad car, OK?

But you will never have another doughnut.

You can't even say the word ''doughnut.''

Do you understand? The word ''doughnut''...

is no longer in your vocabulary, OK?

If you meet a guy named Don...

you call him by his last name from now on.

That's the way it works. No bagels. No life savers.

Nothing round with a hole in it! Nothing!

Now...here's the situation.

You guys are the good guys...

and you chase and arrest the bad guys.

What a surprise, huh?

It's a good system. It works.

And here's your assignment: all of Harlem, OK?

From Lennox Ave. to the river.

And I want all crime and all drugs...

stamped out by 6:00 tonight, OK?

You got that, Doc?

Dismissed...

Larva.

Larva?

What kind of doughnuts they got over there, man?

Oh, a whole lot. A wide assortment.

Jelly?

Jelly, eclair, crullers.

Think I can get some?

The long ones with the cream.

Those, too.

Jesus.

This is a piece of junk.

I can't believe they give us...

this big hunk of scrapola, man.

At least we got a car.

What you complaining about?

I think the sergeant dissed you, man.

I don't know.

I think the sergeant kind of likes me.

No, I'm telling you. He dissed you.

Come on. Let's go see Bubba.

Yo, man. Remember that old TV show ''Mod Squad?''

That was some dope shit, man.

Oh, hell, yeah.

Clarence Williams III was Mack Daddy!

You know, that big Afro-wearin' brother--

you know he was goin' with Peggy Lipton, right?

The white girl?

The same white girl that got married to Quincy Jones.

She's into that black culture shit...

or some shit like that. You know what I'm saying?

Get up against the wall!

Oh, man!

Man, why the cops always hassling us?

Now, drop your pants around your ankles...

and sing me a tribute to your favorite black woman.

They want to see our butts or something?

Sing!

Super fine

She's got it going on

Something's going wrong

Super fine

Well, boys.

Super fine

You guys sing real good.

Hey, my man, what's up?

Shut up. Yo, Bubba, man.

Can you do some magic to this car?

Yeah...

I always wanted to soup up a police car.

Word up.

I'm telling you, man.

When I get that police car...

I'm going to turn it into a lovemobie.

I want fur pillows, reclining seats--

Damn! I forgot to tell Bubba about the VCR.

Are you Ed Lover?

The one and only, baby.

Ow.

That's for my sister Lorena...

you ain't bonin'.

Lover, come here and check this out, man.

She just knocked the shit out of me.

You didn't see that?

Forget that, man. Come over here and check this out, man.

I don't know nobody named Lorena.

Oh, OK.

They've been drilling down here for about 6 months.

Man, it don't look like they're building...

any condominiums over here.

Let's go see what they are building.

Yo. Pull the stake and bring it in the corner.

Excuse me. The far corner.

Excuse me.

What are you guys doing?

Just taking soil samples.

Soil samples? What for?

Standard procedure, Officer.

We check the soil before we start construction.

So it's OK if we borrow one of your soil samples?

Uh, I don't think that's possible.

Why not?

There's enough dirt around here for everybody.

This is private property.

Well, how about if we just borrow...

some of your private property?

I don't think Mr. Demetrius...

would like that very much.

You tell Mr. Demetrius to kiss my ass.

Come on. We got to go talk to Nick. Come on. Let's go.

Private property.

Soil sample.

Precious Lord

Take my hand

Lead me on

Let me stand

I am tired

And I am weak

But I am worn

Oh

Through the storm

Through the storm and the night

Oh

Lead me

Lead me on to the light

Take my hand

Oh, precious Lord

And oh

We love you

Brother Nick, we love you

We'll always love you

And that precious Lord

Oh oh

Oh, that precious Lord

We just need you, need you, need you

Need you, n-n-n-need you

Oh, precious Lord

Appreciate that, man.

I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot for coming.

You're welcome.

Thank you so much.

Thanks.

Hey.

Hey, what's happening, man?

You guys remember my niece Teesha.

She was in Europe for the past few years.

That's definitely home's loss.

Thank you.

Teesha.

Would y'all excuse me for a second?

I'm sorry to hear about Nick.

- Sure. - I'll be back.

Can I have a word with you guys?

- What's up? - In private.

I talked with Nick's lawyer this morning.

You guys have been named in the will.

He left you the barber shop.

- The barber shop? - Damn.

And I know some people that'll pay you...

a lot of money for that property.

See, I don't care about money right now, man.

I just want to find out who killed Nick.

Maybe it was the same people...

that's been setting these fires.

You have any other ideas, Lionel?

He had a nasty exchange...

with that crack dealer Chauncey.

Thanks, Lionel.

- Thanks Lionel. - See you later.

Come on, Dré.

Damn! Chauncey!

- Bubba. - Yo, B.

How's the ride?

It freaks.

Let's get him.

Whoever burned this barber shop down...

knew exactly what they were doing.

It's going to cost a fortune...

to put this place back on its feet, man.

Yeah. Money we ain't got right now, partner.

Money we ain't never gonna have.

Shit.

Hey, yo, Dré, check this out, man.

What you got there, man?

This look familiar to you?

Nick never owned a gun like this.

This ain't Nick's gun.

Let's bring it to Fuji.

Fuji!

Can you do a test on this thing?

Test on what?

- Test on gun. - Gun kill Nick?

- Do a test. - On the gun.

- When you want? - Today is good.

- Today? - On the gun.

On the gun?

No need. Gun German.

Cannot be traced.

An untraceable German gun?

- Later, Fuj. - Later, Fuj.

- Hai. - Hai.

Hai.

Eh, Doctor Dré, Ed Lover...

what a pain in the ass.

Say, brother...

say, brother...

you need to get off that stuff, man.

That's stunting your growth.

Damn, Dré, if you're the man...

I've definitely been on the crack pipe too--whoa!

Man, Chauncey's not here.

Wait a minute.

Baby, you should be up outta here.

Yeah. Don't be...

Baby, I got money. You buggin'.

Excuse me.

What's up...Chauncey?

Name's Nighttrain, all right, nigger?

Your name is Chauncey?

Vanessa, shut the fuck up.

What is this, man?

Halloween or some shit?

Your eyes do not deceive you, brother.

Say, man, you know anything...

about Nick's murder, man?

I know something about it.

I know homeboy got smoked...

but I ain't got shit to do with it.

I ain't got no beef with him, man.

Yo, man! What's up, huh?

Mmm-mmm.

Oh, shit!

Who's going to pay for my fucking booze, pig?

Mind yours!

Where'd you get the piece from, Chauncey?!

My name is Nighttrain, fool!

Yo, man!

Where'd you get the gun from, man!

It fell off a fucking truck, all right?

Come on, man! What's up here?

Ooh...

Oh, OK. Uh-huh.

Now I got you on gun charges and drug charges.

You tell me a story.

Look, man...

you need to just cool the fuck out on me, man.

You need to be talking to Lorenzo Martin--

315 West 137 Street--

but I ain't no motherfucking snitch.

You ain't heard that from me, man.

What you lookin' at?

Anybody want to go for a swim?

Y'all folks have a nice day.

Let's go, Dré.

Later, Chauncey.

Nighttrain.

Nighttrain, man!

Nighttrain!

You...

don't even try.

It don't look like Lorenzo lives there.

I think Chauncey played us like a B-side, man.

I told you he was frontin'.

You didn't say nothing, Dré.

Ed, look, man, you don't listen to nobody, man.

All you do is lie about all the women that you ain't got.

Please, man, OK?

Central, this is car 2899.

l need an address on a Chauncey Jackson...

A.K.A.: Nighttrain. Over.

Yeah, I think this is Chauncey's house.

Gotta be, man. It's gotta be.

Knock on the door.

Open the door, Chauncey. It's Ed and Dré. Knock again.

Chauncey, we going to count to 3...

then I'm going to kick in the door...

then we're going to kick in your ass.

One...

Ready?

Yaaahhhhh!

Damn, Dré.

Somebody talked to that motherfucker already.

Could have cut himself shaving.

Shit. He's dead as a motherfucker, man.

What were you 2 guys doing here?

We thought he knew something about the Nick Crawford murder.

So you were functioning as detectives?

No, not really.

Look, we each got our own...

responsibilities on the force, fellas.

Who's your sergeant?

Sergeant Cooper.

Look, guys, you let the real detectives...

handle this, all right?

Y'all guys just get out of here.

Beat it!

Big Laurel and Hardy look-alikes...

wannabe detectives.

Now what are we going to do?

Get the results of the dirt...

we took to the lab.

You gave him the dirt, right?

You were supposed to give him the dirt.

No, no, no, man.

You were supposed to give him the dirt. Trust me.

Damn it, Dré!

I never had the dirt, OK?

Those guys look like Run D.M.C.

Oh, that's good. Come on, baby.

There. That's it. That's it.

Fuji!

Fuji, my man.

Gun untraceable.

Yeah, Fuji, we know.

We want you to check out that soil sample...

and let us know what's in it.

Drugs in soil?

- You tell us. - Tell you what?

- Something in soil. - What in soil?

You tell us.

Need police geologist.

Who's the geologist?

I call Bernstein.

- Go call Bernstein. - Hai.

- Hai. - Hai.

Good morning, men.

Good morning, Captain.

Sergeant Cooper tells me...

that you two have been playing detective.

Yes, sir. We're investigating--

Excuse me.

You're patrolmen.

And l want you to understand...

in no uncertain terms...

that you are not to investigate...

Nick Crawford's murder or anyone else's.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir. - Yeah.

Somebody new is being put on the case today.

I think he's a friend of yours.

Come in, Detective.

- Griles?! - Detective?

Got promoted.

Now Griles is going to head the case...

and I don't want you 2 near it.

Capisce?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Ok, good. Dismissed.

Yo, Griles.

Griles.

Yo, Griles.

Lorenzo Martin, man, this guy, man...

he's selling this type of gun, man.

Hey, look!

I don't want your help...

and I don't need your help.

Now you 2 dickheads...

are lucky you're even on the force!

Now you stay away from me...

and away from this case!

Hey, look!

This is no ''Police Academy'' bullshit...

you can just clown your way through!

Now you stay away from me...

and away from this case!

You got it?!

Fuckin' dickheads!

Why it be all that, man?

Dickheads.

We're doing the best we can.

Isaac Hayes lookalike.

All right, people, quiet down.

Quiet down. Pipe down.

They got George back.

They got pitching. They got the whole--

Hertzog! What the fuck?

Why is it every time I start a meeting...

everybody else shuts up...

you keep talking?

Shut the fuck up.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. OK...

the first order of business...

Barnes and Day, 37 collars this week.

Not bad.

Well, look who came to join the party.

Doctor Dree and his partner Mr. Lurver.

What'd you guys get?

You got 2 collars this week.

Pretty sure they're the ones on your shirts.

I'm sorry. My mistake. My mistake. Uh...

I forgot the dead guy you apprehended...

on your day off.

Tell you what. Everybody dismissed...

except for...guess who.

Doctor Dré.

Let's go.

Sergeant Cooper?

What is it, Lover?

May I have a doughnut?

You can have as many doughnuts as you want.

Thanks, Sarge.

Hi.

Don't even think about it.

I'm glad you dropped by.

Little change in precinct policy.

As of today,

I will be known as President Cooper.

I'm not going to get paid or anything.

I'm not going to debate or go on the ''Larry King Live'' show.

No--I'm just going to be President Cooper.

As a matter of fact...

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I'll be President Cooper...

and Tuesday and Thursday, I think I'll be...

King Cooper!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

And you know why?

Because I...

feel like it!

I just want to be a king, and now l've decided...

I'm going to call myself king-- so I'm a king!

I'm a king. King Cooper. That's me.

King Cooper...

we want to be assigned to...

the Nick Crawford murder case.

That's right. We got a--

We felt like--

But--

I got a better idea.

Tony Como.

- Tony ''Clams''? - Mm-hmm.

- The wise guy? - That's right.

He's supposed to be testifying...

as a government witness in a case over in Brooklyn...

but his gall bladder acted up, so now...

there's apparently a hit out on him.

We got a 24-hour surveillance thing going on...

and you guys are going to go over...

and relieve the 2 officers on duty...

and take over for the next 24 hours, OK?

But King Cooper, we just feel that--

See you later, King Cooper.

By the way, uh, Lover.

Yeah?

How's that doughnut?

Mmm. It's good.

And there's a whole big box...

of chocolate doughnuts sitting over on that table.

Hey, Clams, where are the ashtrays around here?

What do you think this is, a hotel?

This is a hospital. I'm sick over here.

Relax. Your gall bladder's...

going to explode, for Christ's sake.

Do me a favor. Get rid of that cigarette.

There. You happy?

Hey! That's my water, for Christ's sakes!

What did you want me to do?

Stick it up in your ass?

You know, you're driving me fucking crazy.

You're supposed to be over here taking care of me.

Hey, I'm not your fucking nursemaid.

Hi, Tony. We're your replacements.

I'm Officer Dré. This is Officer Lover.

We're here to protect you.

What's this? Abbott and Costello?

You mean Amos and Andy, don't you?

Who sent these moulies in here?

How the fuck do l know?

I don't work here.

We'll be right outside.

Vito, do me a favor, huh?

Get rid of these guys.

Yo, Dré, man, what's a moulie?

You're supposed to be taking care of me.

I think it's an uncomplimentary...

description of a brother.

Who the fuck are you?

Damn, man. This day is not going well at all.

I'm out.

I'll call.

Where'd that third ace come from?

I palmed it.

Bad, man. That's bad.

Hello?

Dré, what's up?

Bellevue?

All right.

Fellas, Frankie's outta here.

I gotta go bail out my homies.

Yo, why you always hang with those pigs, man?

Steve, I told you, when I was the only white kid...

growing up on 114th street...

them 2 are the only ones that ever had my back.

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

You grew up on 120th street.

That's not the point, Billy, really.

It's about friendship--

men with other men, playing cards.

Man, we got things to do.

We can't stand around all day

guarding this racist piece of shit.

One more word from the pasta king here...

I'm deflating all his tires. I can't stand it.

Nuh-huh-huh. Fuckin' day, man.

Fellas, sorry I'm late.

It was that 2 train. The power went out.

In the dark, somebody starting touching my balls!

The lights come on, I look at this guy in a silk shirt--

Frankie, Frankie. We got Tony Como in the room.

Tony Clams? I love that guy!

Good, 'cause you're guarding him.

Tell him you're a cop. We gotta go out for a while.

It's about Nick. Cool?

Cool, yeah. Can I borrow your hat to look legit?

Thanks, Frankie.

Gotta be realistic, fellas.

Hi, how are ya? Detective O'Hearn.

From the 2-3.

Tony. Tony, how are ya?

Who are you?

Detective O'Hearn from the 2-3.

Oh, good. A white cop.

Hello, officers.

Hi. Is Mr. Demetrius available?

I'm sorry. He's in a conference.

Well, tell him the police are here.

This one is gonna be real popular.

They'll be in the next issue of ''Vogue.''

Teesha?

Ed, Dré, what are y'all doing here?

You know each other?

Yeah.

From the same neighborhood.

Well, what can l do to help you gentlemen?

You seem pretty interested in Harlem, Mr. Demetrius.

Well, it's a great neighborhood...

and I believe it's coming back.

Did you know a Nick Crawford?

He was that unfortunate barber...

who was killed by the drug dealers.

I understand he was a model citizen.

So this is a map of Harlem, huh?

All these buildings on this block...

are coded red.

Except for one the barbershop is in.

Why is that?

Here, let me show you.

All the red ones are the ones that I own.

I'm developing those properties...

into condominiums.

Well, what's that drillin'...

you doing uptown?

My engineers are collecting geological samples.

It's what one does when one builds.

How come you ain't done no building in Harlem?

All that drillin', no building.

Don't make sense to me!

Because it takes time to get the necessary information.

One spends a lot of money to put up a building.

If the preliminary steps aren't handled carefully...

you can imagine the results.

Would you care for some coffee or tea?

You buying up all the property...

around the barber shop.

Nick is leading demonstrations...

to try to stop you.

Somebody tries to buy the property...

but he won't sell. Bang! He's dead.

Dré, you smell something?

I smell bullshit.

I knew it!

I knew it smelled like bullshit in here!

If you're implying...

that I had anything to do with that murder...

I can assure you...

I do not do business like that.

Now, if there's anything else l can do...

to help you gentlemen...

No. Thanks for your time.

You know, I cannot believe you 2 just did that--

Save the drama for your mama.

I ain't tryin' to hear.

What's up with you and Demetrius?

We are business partners. My uncle introduced us.

Lionel?

Yes, Lionel. He's backing my design company.

And by the way, we're having our first fashion show...

in a couple of days.

I would appreciate it if y'all did not show up.

Cool. But I'm telling you, he's dirty.

What do you think he's doing?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it ain't cool.

I'm a pretty good judge of character...

and if I thought the man was dirty,

I wouldn't be doin' business with him.

Frank. It's Ed.

Everything cool?

No. He's gettin' to be a royal pain in the balls...

for one thing.

Yo, Frankie, man. Yo, gimme 4 on 615.

Sure. Can you get me some of those catheters?

All right. Thanks.

It's impossible. I can't!

Hey, Detective.

I can for a couple of hours.

I didn't--no, I can. Yes.

OK. 2 hours.

Good-bye.

You know what?

Maybe Teesha was right, man.

Why would Demetrius have Nick killed?

I know she's fine, Dré...

but don't let your johnson run your life, all right?

Who else got a motive?

What the--

Do you guys know what happened today at 4:36?

Do you have any idea what happened today at 4:36?

No, you don't. Let me tell ya.

Tony Clams got shot.

He got fuckin' shot!

Only by the Grace of God is he still alive!

You guys were supposed to watch him!

You fucked me!

You might as well kiss me, 'cause you're fucking me!

Where were you guys? Where the--

Is that jelly...

that I smell?

Bavarian cream?

Bagels?

Gimme the club.

You guys are on foot patrol...

for the rest of your lives!

Do you understand that? Foot patrol.

Capital ''f,'' small ''o'', small ''o''...

little tiny ''t.''

Did you ever see a little tiny ''t''?

It's like a little curlicue--

little--

Tell me...

that...you're...not...

touching my fucking badge!

He lost it.

The sergeant lost it.

Let's get outta here.

Yeah. I went to that Michael Bolton concert last night.

Oh! He's such an accomplished performer.

I was really impressed.

014 to 183 Amsterdam right away.

That's us. Let's hit it. Let's go.

Whoa! Whoa! What is that?

Stop it!

I can't!

Go, go, go, go!

Yo, man, I don't understand. You guys fucked up!

You oughta be cops...

like Leon Spinks shoulda won a beauty contest...

and that nigger ugly!

Now, Leon's a good brother.

Now, Biz Markie-- that's a ugly motherfucker!

Bullshit. Yo, yo, I--I need a refill.

Who's comin' back with me to the store?

Oh, man!

Why the fuck you keep drinkin' that shit, man?

Your insides'll be fucked up like your ugly-ass face.

I just--

Forty, you're so messed up all the time...

you don't remember nothin' no way!

That's fucked up--

Shut the fuck up, man.

Sound like you have a dick in your mouth, man.

You don't make no Goddamn sense.

Hey, fair ladies.

Hey. What up, light skin?

Hey, I'm sorry about Tony Clams.

Where the fuck were you?

Yolanda showed up.

What do you mean, Yolanda showed up?

We oughta kick your ass, Frankie.

You almost got us busted off the force!

Hey, I did you guys a favor...

and they tried to arrest me!

It's unbelievable.

I was in the smoking lounge 5 minutes.

Some wise guy comes in and-- boo-yah--pops Tony Clams...

and it's my fault?

I don't wanna hear that shit, Frankie.

You supposed to be my friend, man.

And you supposed to be guardin' that racist piece of shit...

and you doin' the wild thing with Yolanda.

Lorenzo!

Get that motherfucker!

Come on! Hurry up, man!

He knows who killed Nick!

Come on!

There he goes!

Y'all go that way!

Get that motherfucker!

Don't move.

You fucked up, Ed Lover...

Tryin' to be the man.

Fuck you, Lorenzo.

Say good-bye, Mr. Man.

So, Lorenzo, you're in the gun business?

Naw, man, I'm retired, man.

Where'd you get the gun?

I don't remember.

Think I should let Frankie refresh your fucking memory?

Yo, what about my rights?

You got the rights to get your ass thrown in the East River...

if you don't start answerin' my questions!

All right. All right. I don't know the guy.

All I know is he's bringing them in from Germany.

Can I go now?

You ain't goin' nowhere!

Does anybody have any cab fare?

Yo, man, did you have to take a cab, man?

Man, I got there, didn't I?

After Frankie saved my ass, man.

Me and you are supposed to be--

Look at Flavor, man!

Yo, Dré, get me outta here, man.

I can't do nothin' for you, man!

Hey, Griles, what's up with the case, man?

We're makin' progress.

When you gonna go talk to Demetrius, man?

What's he gotta do with it?

He know what's goin' on.

Oh, yeah? Tell me, Sherlock.

What be goin' on?

We don't know exactly--

Yeah, yeah. Great. I'll go arrest him.

Beat it!

Hey, Griles...

I want you to keep your eye on those 2.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes...

uh, maybe once more...

how's...it look?

I have no idea what you're doing.

Perfect!

Fuji!

Ed, Dré...

this is Bernstein.

- Hi, Bernstein. - Hey.

Where'd you guys get this sample?

Uptown. Guys were drilling.

Have any idea what they might be lookin' for?

- This is peat. - Who's Pete?!

Peat's a substance.

Found in bogs.

- Found in swamps. - What else?

We have leaves.

Like from a tree?

Yes. From trees.

- That it? - No, not it.

The layer above the peat, the leaves...

is made up of sand.

Sand from the beach?

Precisely.

Peat, leaves, sand?

There's a geological profile the drillers look for...

when they're trying to find oil.

Oil. Like what Jed Clampett got?

You trying to tell me there's oil in Harlem?

Possibly.

Demetrius is lookin' for oil!

It's very unlikely.

I mean, they never found oil around here before.

That's why he smoked Nick.

- Hai! - Hai!

Hello.

- Ed. - What's up, Dré?

Man, what makes a beautiful girl like that...

wanna go out with a short, slimy sauerkraut-suckin'...

short and slimy motherfucker like that?

I'm-a go ask.

Hold it. Aren't we supposed to lay back a little bit?

I'm gonna throw him off his game, man.

Looks like we got company, y'all.

Oh, man! It's Griles!

Yo, Fab, you got any ideas, man?

Plenty, baby.

I got you covered like a rug on this one.

Watch this.

Come back, Daddy.

Baby, I'll be back.

Ooh, Daddy, you're home!

You lookin' good tonight, girl.

Mm. How you been?

Everything's cool. Looky here, baby...

you see that kid in that car back over there?

Yeah, I see him.

I want you to go over there...

and I want you to rock his world.

- You hear me? - Yes, Daddy.

I want you to make him scream.

Anything for you, Daddy.

Yeah. Handle it, girl.

You look pretty hungry back there, baby.

Why don't you call me...

when you're ready for dessert, big boy? Rrr!

That's what I'm talkin' about!

What's he got that I don't got?

I'm-a go ask.

Hold that.

You got soda all on my jacket.

I got half a burger and soda on my jacket.

Why am I gonna do that?

I'm suspending you 2 from the force...

effective immediately.

But, Captain, we got a suspect and a motive...

in the Nick Crawford murder case.

We think there might be...

oil in the hood, Captain.

Oil?

That's why Demetrius is buying up all the property.

You see, Nick Crawford was sitting...

on the last piece of property on the block.

And that's why Demetrius had him killed.

So, wait a minute. What you're telling me...

is that one of the most successful...

real estate developers in this city...

is digging for oil in Harlem?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Listen to me.

There is oil in Saudi Arabia...

not Harlem.

There is oil in Venezuela.

There is no oil on 125th Street!

Am I clear?

But, Captain, if you--

You're lucky that Mr. Demetrius...

is not pressing charges.

Now, clean out your lockers and get out of here!

Hey, Mel, I need some more tape.

Sue, we gotta get those--

Is Teesha around?

Uh, yeah, she's in the back.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Mel, that tape!

Ok. You got it?

- Yeah. - All right, good.

Yeah, these shoes are much...

much better.

Does it have to be so tight?

Yes, it does.

Child, for the money you getting paid...

we can strangle you.

OK. We'll loosen it after the show, Kelly.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, yo, Teesha.

Can we speak to you for a minute, please?

Come on, y'all, I can't talk to y'all right now.

I've got work to do here.

My first show in New York is tonight.

It's kind of important.

All right. Dana, come here.

Something's wrong in here. Could you--

I don't know what it is. Just fix it, please.

Outfit is really fly.

It's a new fabric. Imported, thank you.

Now look, y'all, we all from the same neighborhood...

and I really want to help y'all out.

Don't get me wrong.

But this is my shit happening here tonight, OK?

And I'm not gonna let y'all mess this up for me.

Check this out.

We're not here to mess nothing up.

We're here to find...

a little bit more about Mr. Demetrius.

Well, what do you want to know about him?

He's my financial backer...

and he imports this new fiber for me.

From Germany?

How'd you know that?

Where's the warehouse?

In Brooklyn. Why?

Don't worry about it. We got it.

Whatever. I got work to do. I'll see y'all later.

Save that drama though. Word up.

Ed Lover.

What's up, Sherise?

There she is, baby.

Baby, y'all look so good.

What the hell you doing...

telling people I'm sleeping with you?

- Sherise-- - Un-uh! Un-uh!

Yo, I'm telling you, Ed Lover...

don't fuck with me!

Ow! Sherise? Sherise! I didn't--

3 times this week. Third one.

She smacked me right in my fucking band-aid, too.

Come on.

I swear to God, man.

How you gonna smack a man with a band-aid on?

Man, I hope we ain't down here...

wasting our time, man.

Man, I feel we're getting real close now.

We're gonna find something down here...

and nail him on it.

I hope so, man. Yo, man, yo, Teesha likes me.

What?! What Teesha want...

with somebody like you, man?

She likes me.

Why does every girl in the world...

gotta like you, man?

They don't have to. They just do, man.

So you're bugging.

No, no, you bugging.

You bugging.

Yo, I'm not bugging, man. You're bugging.

Man, it's dark in here.

That because it's nighttime, man.

Stop wasting time. Come on.

Yo, what's the number we're looking for?

3 and 4.

Ok. There's 3, there's 4.

It's over here. Bingo.

God, please.

Let's get to work.

There ain't nothing in these crates...

except this damn fabric.

Keep looking, man. You'll find something.

There's gotta be something in here.

Damn. Thing's tight.

Crazy.

I can't believe this.

How do you get this open?

Damn, the thing's locked up tight, too.

Wait a minute. Look what we got here.

Mm. Smart enough to put Teesha's name...

all over the crates, too.

We're gonna nail his ass.

We got him, kid. Got him.

Drop it!

Call the boss.

Aw, come on, fellas.

You know the bad guys are gonna lose.

That's word up.

Just like in ''The Magnificent Seven.''

Yep. I like that movie.

Or Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier...

in ''Uptown Saturday Night.''

I like that.

Shut up!

Demetrius.

Yeah, boss.

Yeah, we got 'em.

No. That won't be a problem.

Can I place a call--

Shut up!

Say good night, boys.

Don't do it!

You guys all right?

Yeah.

What took you so damn long?

Proper police procedure.

Griles.

What are you guys doing here?

Demetrius is smuggling guns.

This warehouse is full of them.

You got a search warrant?

Griles, we ain't cops no more.

Who gives a damn about a search warrant?

Can we please go pick up Mr. Demetrius?

These shoes are killing me.

Go ahead, Kelly. Just keep complaining.

You'll be modeling post office uniforms...

I'm telling you. Get up there!

All you do is complain.

What's happening, baby? Didn't I see you...

on the cover of ''Essence Magazine?''

Oh, shit. I know you ain't trying to dis me...

with that bright-ass orange carpet on your head.

Fuck you! Shit! Hey, yeah.

Hey! What's happening, baby?

Didn't I see you...

on the cover of ''Essence Magazine?''

What have you been telling people...

about my business affairs, Lionel?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't bother prevaricating.

Those 2 moronic police officer friends of yours...

have gotten in my way for the last time.

They've finally been taken care of.

And you can be taken care of, too.

Don't threaten me, Demetrius.

I don't have to threaten you, Lionel.

Sashay, sashay, sashay!

Yo, Lamar.

Oh, Doctor Dré, Ed Lover, how y'all doing?

Lamar, where's Demetrius at?

Oh, he's over there in a fabulous suit.

6 buttons, buttery leather shoes--

All right, thanks, Lamar.

All right, y'all. Bye.

Demetrius, where you going?

I'm sorry. Something came up.

I have to go.

Oh, you can't leave now!

The show is great, but I have to go.

Come on, Demetrius, don't go!

Freeze!

You're under arrest.

Your chief is gonna be awfully upset...

when he hears how I've been treated.

First, he's gonna hear about those guns...

you running through Teesha's warehouse.

And then we're gonna pin Nick's murder...

- to your ass. - That's absurd.

If there's any guns in Ms. Braxton's warehouse...

I know nothing about it.

And as far as Nick Crawford goes...

I never murdered anyone.

If you didn't, then who did?

You ever read the bible?

The book of ''Daniel'' says,

''Every man's sword shall be against his brother.''

Man, what the hell are you talking about?

Hello, yes. This is Lionel Douglas.

I want to book a flight for Jamaica.

Yes, tonight, yes, yes.

You already have my credit card number there.

Yes.

Come on, come on, come on.

Lionel Douglas. Right, that's it, yes.

OK, that's tonight, right?

OK. I'll be there. Thank you.

Why'd you go to work for Demetrius, Lionel?

What are you doing in my house?!

We had a talk with him tonight.

I smoothed over...

some uptown feathers for the man.

There's nothing wrong with that.

What's in Jamaica, man?

Vacation.

Kind of a spur of the moment thing, huh?

Yes, Ed.

What else were you doing for Demetrius?

I told you.

Nothing else?

What's your point, Ed?

This is my point.

We found a warehouse full of guns...

out in Brooklyn, and maybe you know about that.

And maybe you know who killed Nick.

I don't know anything about warehouse guns...

or who put that bullet in Nick.

Bullet?

Everybody thinks Nick was killed in an explosion.

The police didn't say nothing about no bullet.

How'd you know he got shot, Lionel?

Where you there?

Why'd you kill Nick, man?

I tried to save Nick.

I said, ''Nicky...

sell the property.''

But he wouldn't listen.

What was I supposed to do?

That shit don't make no difference, man.

Nick loved you.

You killed your best friend...

you sorry motherfucker!

Just shut up! Just shut up!

Demetrius was setting me up.

He was gonna ruin me...

and I couldn't let that happen.

I'm on my way now...

to take care of Mr. Demetrius.

But now, I have to...

take care of you first, Ed.

I am sorry, Ed.

Not as sorry as I am.

You all right, man?

Yeah, I'm straight, man.

Son of a--

Well, boys...

Demetrius and Lionel are behind bars.

I still don't know why anyone would want to kill Nick.

There's a lot of sick people in this world.

The important thing is that you guys were right.

How'd you like to rejoin the department?

No, I don't think so.

Not even if I made you...

the youngest detectives on the force?

- Nope. - No, I don't think so.

We're not cut out for police work, man.

Nah, too violent.

Well, what are you guys gonna do?

I mean, it's not like you found oil.

You guys need jobs.

We'll think of something.

You know us.

Yo, check this out.

I'm going to the store...

to get us some more 40 ouncers...

so we can all celebrate.

Forty...

Go grab a beam, man.

Hey, George, help Mickey with that beam, man.

All right.

Yo, Dré. Check this out, man.

I miss Nick, man.

So do I, man.

Oh. Oh, y'all just got men working in here.

Where's all the women at?

What's up, Teesha?

How y'all doin'?

Sorry how everything turned out.

Yeah, well, you know, life goes on.

Hey, we could always use another barber.

No, got a job. Thank you.

Dré, where the hell you get that cannon from, man?

I hate rats, man.

Yo, what's that black stuff?

I worked for 3 hours for this shit.

I'm telling you, this new Spike Lee joint...

they're ''Crooklyn,'' man.

Ed told me this is the new Arsenio.

- Arsenio who? - Arsenio Hall.

Nah, Dré told me this is Arsenio Hall cut.

It's the ''New Jack City, Part 7.''

See, I know Wesley.

He wouldn't go out like that.

This original Shabba Ranks?

I got your Shabba Ranks, Buster.

See you later. Yo, Dré,

I thought once we struck oil, man...

we wouldn't have to work here no more.

I know, man. I thought...

things were gonna get better...

being rich and wealthy now--

We'd be laying on beaches...

with girls with little bikinis.

Know what I'm saying?

Third time in 2 days...

you cut my hair, man.

I can't help it. We ain't got no customers.

They got all the damn customers. Look at 'em.

Yeah, Dré and his Fat Albert ass.

Man, like he stink!

- Mmm! - Mmm!

And the world's coming to an end.

- Mm-hmm! - Mm-hmm!

Hey, guys, can I get a cut?

Whoo

Come on

Whoo

Come on

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Hey, how you guys been?

Just great, Sarge.

Can you hold your head to the side, Sarge?

That looks great, Sarge.

You know, if you had a pony tail...

everything would be just right.

Oh, is that right?

Ow, ow! What are you doing?

Nothing. Don't worry about it, Sarge.

I got this.

We professionals. Remember?

I'll take that.

Ouch! Ow.

Move your head to the left, Sarge.

What's that thing for?

Don't worry about that. These won't hurt at all.

Professionals. We're professionals.

Put your head down, please. Down.

This is what we did before we were police offices.

Couldn't you use the mirrors? Ow, ow.

Oh, we will be using mirrors before it's done.

How's things down at the precinct, Sarge?

Good.

Ok. Down there.

Could you hold your head down to the side, please, sir?

You know, you really are bashful...

I'm not paying for this.

Could you just kind of turn your head this way!

Ow!

I used to kick it with the thugs

Pushin' drugs in the park

Makin' every mark

That was out after dark

Stick 'em for their loot

Cut 'em up, then l'd dash

And when I had to shoot

I'd nutted up for the cash

Ran down the block with my .45 Glock

Capped off a round, everybody hit the ground

The next thing I heard was a siren

Couldn't turn around, money grip kept firin'

Runnin' for the ride, I can't go inside

I'd rather that I died, I got too much pride

I guess it's just something that you can't understand

My gun's in my hand, tell me who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Who's the man with the master plan?

Who's the man? Who's the man?

Mic check, here I go again, check me out

Bust the flavor

Hey

You know my clout, rough and rugged

Funk's the contact I hit you with

To make your head split, trip, and do a backflip

I swing it hard-core, like an orangutan

I bring it wicked, and freak the funk slang

Like, goddamn

Yeah, dude, gnarly, fuckin'-a

I don't Play-Doh, my nickname ain't Clay

Hittin' switches

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Hittin' switches

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

Off and on, off and on, it's on

What's the law?

Pimp or die

What's the law?

Pimp or die

What's the law?

Pimp or die

What's the law?

Pimp or die

To my niggas uptown, gotta pimp or die

To my niggas downtown, gotta pimp or die

To my niggas crosstown, gotta pimp or die

To my niggas round town, gotta pimp or die

I just jump in my cab

Drive up the ave

Talkin' on my cellular, huh, I'm too cool to laugh

I'm the man, that's how I get down

I follow through, knock the boots

And then I got the stiff change

Ease up, what's that all about?

Why you wanna try to play 3rd Eye out?

Ease up, what's that all about?

Why you wanna try to play 3rd Eye out?

Somebody said my shit ain't hip

What's up with that?

Somebody said my shit ain't phat

Do you believe that?

Somebody said my shit ain't hip

What's up with that?

Somebody said my shit ain't phat

Well, that's OK, that's OK, you know me

I been on some bad shit, checkin' who oughta pay

Step quick, 3rd Eye's protected, G

Don't even sleep, my gangsta ghetto party

Enclosed by the cops

So go ahead with that, you're dead with that

Trouble's coming, ease up when I freeze up

Into mes, I'll be makin' Gs

I'm a bad boy, I'm makin' a move, boy

I paid my dues, boy, I was doin' bigs

While y'all was still kids at school

Ease up, what's that all about?

Why you wanna try to play 3rd Eye out?

Ease up, what's that all about?

Why you wanna try to play 3rd eye out?

Hey, baby

Ho

She, she

Do you wanna pump? Do you wanna pump with me?

Do you wanna pump? Do you wanna pump with me?

Do you wanna pump? Do you wanna pump with me?

Do you wanna pump? Show me with your body

If you don't wanna get sexy, babe

If you don't wanna get nasty

Maybe we can compromise

And both get a little bit freaky

Slide

Right over here

And let me rub that body

Maybe you would like it, girl

It might get you in the mood, gee, yeah

Let's go through the motions, baby

Let's go through the motions, baby

Let's go through the motions, baby

Every night and every day

Let's go through the motions, baby

Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah

Let's go through the motions, baby

Gee-ee-ee

Jodeci, sing

It won't be long

We can go home

If you wanna go home

I say it won't, I'll say it again

It won't be long

If you wanna moan

'Cause you look so sexy, baby

You really turn me on

Oh oh oh

Loving you

I'm so glad to have you

Loving you

Hey, yeah

And I'm so glad to have you

Hey, cutie, if it's your style

Come stay with me a while

And hypnotize me with your sexy ways

And, baby, it is no surprise

How you've come into my life

And changed my way of thinking

I believe in love this time

And I'm lovin' you, baby

In your arms I want to be

Ooh, this time, I realize

That I want you here with me

And I'm lovin' you, baby

And you're all I want, so stay

I have never had a lover love this way

I, I, I, I

Ooh, boy

In your arms I want to be

Ooh, this time I realize

That I want you here with me

And I'm lovin' you, baby

And you're all I want, so stay

I have never had a lover love this way

I, I, I, I

Come and stay with me, where you ought to be

You will see how true love can be

If you stay with me, I will make you happy

I want you

Come and stay with me, and I will love...