Original subtitles

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences in hatreds.

Because a crisis is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences in hatreds.

My dad's from that era where you lived to 50, your heart exploded, and that was that.

You know, when you cook bacon, you pour the grease into a can, my dad's the can.

Your dad, you know, you had two heart attacks, right?

I won't use to start taking care of yourself.

I am. The doctor put me in a light diet, mental alight, and Miller-Might.

LAUGHTER

My dad's third heart attack he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital,

because they won't let me smoke in the ablits. And you can't make a burger run.

No cheese, right? I got a heart thing.

LAUGHTER Every family has something special about him. Brains, athletic ability, my family has heart attacks.

But it's okay because my dad belongs to an HMO. He really liked their slogan. Hey, we're better than a prison doctor.

LAUGHTER Papa Titus has been in that room for an hour. You have to tell me something. You can say Papa Titus, Papa Titus all day. You are still the girlfriend of the son of the victim. We don't talk to you.

LAUGHTER We, you're the only one here. I speak to the hospital, but not to you.

LAUGHTER Honey, honey, I got your message. I only heard a hospital. Are you okay?

Let's go. Yeah, that's what your message said. You're your father. Let's go. OK, calm down. K, breathe. My father. Had a heart attack, ran a red lighten, wrecked his car. Good, easy. Oh, crap. Hey, tell me. You're letting him in the room. He's not family. He's out of tune with a lot better than yours. Come, honey, come.

I'm not talking to you. You know, does the word patricide mean anything to you? Patricide, to kill your father? I looked it up and I was 11. What are you talking about?

By kill your father. Let's see. I mean, you tried to kill your father. Has it feel father-killer?

Did you patricide dad? No! He tried. Mr. Titus wanted to take a date out on his boat. And he spent three angry hours trying to start it because some... Oh!

Hard attack causing moron. Don't hit me, his words, not mine.

Took the distributor cap.

Well, well... Well...

You're acting like he never tried to kill me.

I almost killed dad because I took his distributor cap for you must feel terrible. You were with me.

Dave, we did not cause death hard attack. Well, I think somebody should do something nice for him.

I'll get the flowers. Honey, honey, honey. I know that you really didn't do anything to cause your father to have a heart attack. Damn right. But evidently, he thinks that you did. So is it possible that you maybe acted the way that you act? And it caused his heart to maybe pause? I've been blamed for stuff since I was born. Literally, since I came out, still had Goop on me.

You ruined my life, you bastard!

Welcome to the world, Christopher. Thanks to you, I have to marry that psycho.

Yes, I do. Your mommy has four distinct personality.

He's dead.

What's good? What's good?

Dave, come on, let's go. What are you going? I'm going to go straight now.

Oh, no, I'm not going in there. You helped.

Damn your logic.

Honey, honey, the last person that you're dead needs to see right now is the guy who tried to kill him. He's weak and tired. Oh, yeah, we should go now. Christopher, honey.

It's the home. Honey, I know a little more about this than you do. Christopher, honey, don't. Oh, honey, I know a little bit more about this than you do.

Aaron and I have been together long enough, so she knows who I am and likes me. She sees a certain charm and cuteness to my stupidity. You know, the way people like Canada.

Okay, who? Ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Oh, what? Hi, ski Patrol. Yeah, I'm up on Gun Barrel Ridge. Yeah, I need a helicopter and a stretcher. Thanks.

Hey, fresh powder. Hey, Dad. Can I get you something? See if you can trade yourself in for the Korean kid. Dad.

I'll name him Ho John Titus. Dad. Ho John wouldn't steal my distributor and I can probably pick him up for a pack of cigarettes.

Why don't you ask her she can help? You know what I can get a Korean boy. Dad.

Excuse me? Well, I mean, you people know how to work hard and you respect your parents. Don't you, baby?

I'm Japanese and I'm from Fresno, baby. How come you're not designing computers?

Because then I wouldn't get to meet nice white devils like you.

So you crawled into apologize for giving me your heart attack. Yes, father. Oh, here we go. No, we didn't do anything.

That's your thing. Nice to me for five minutes. Dad, you had smoking and drinking your whole life. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I smoked and I drank for 25 years before you were born and I never had a heart attack.

I can't argue with that. That the only way to distribute it because a heart attack is if I stab you in the heart with it. Dad, dad.

What? How are things? Why are we in the bed? Charge to 300. Are Claire, hang on, hey, don't Claire. What are you trying to do? Pat the bill. Check the other side.

Check the other side. Duckies right, the monitor's got switched. Hey, Chamose. We like to save lives, but we don't get all freaky about it.

All right, let's call it.

Make sure stop and think, doesn't it?

Yeah, dad. I wonder what his kid did to him. Suddenly, I realized that my dad is no longer the ask kicking God. He was. He's just a man.

Frail, mortal, part of tacky. So now I have a choice. I can be right or I can keep my dad. I'm sorry.

Sorry? Sorry means that you admit it was your fault. I'm so sorry. I did it. I'm responsible. I was a pawn.

What can I do to make it up to you? There's nothing you can do. Of course, my car was total. Oh, I'll fix it. It'll be just like new. No, new would be better. A new car? Oh, okay, okay. You can have my classic 1956 Chevy with the Corvette suspension. He said new.

Well, either way, you can't give me a new heart. Now, can you, boy?

You can give him yours.

Growing up, I was always in trouble.

But it wasn't enough my father to just punish me. He had to humiliate me. Well, he didn't have to, but it's his favorite part.

You didn't do the dishes after your little lasagna party. Do what I get up.

Wakey, wakey. This is nice.

Nice. Hi, huh?

I'm sorry.

Sorry to pull you away from whatever that is. But there is a police officer waiting to talk to Papa Titus about the accident.

What? The police want to give me a ticket for having a heart attack? Okay, okay.

Dad, this is something I can do for you. I will handle this.

Honey, can you take over for me?

Yeah, I stopped at the little piggy they had to roast beef.

It saved the clipings. It may be all we have left of them.

Excuse me. Tindus, right? Yeah, I arrested your brother. Yeah. Good times. Where's your dad? I need to talk to him. Yeah, he's breathing through a tube right now. I'll be dealing with this. All right. Maybe you'll find this interesting. The intersection where your father had his heart attack has a camera system that takes a picture of your car when it runs a red light.

What's that furry thing in his lap? It's not there, no. There it is again.

Her name's Angela. She's up on the A-flore getting a cat scan.

What's the furthing?

Driving with women's head in your lap, fun, but dangerous. Driving with women's head in your lap, not wearing a seatbelt, still fun, more dangerous. Driving with women's head in your lap, not wearing a seatbelt, getting an accident and blaming me? Well, it looks like the heads in the other lap. Now, huh?

You flip them fast. It looks like a short torno. Yeah, no plot, though. Why would dad lie about having a heart attack? Yeah. Why wouldn't you just see he had sex in the car? Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass the woman.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

This gentleman, if we decide to press charges, your dad will lose his license and he may have to register as a sex offender.

Oh, right!

Dave, dude, that'll be hilarious.

Dave, look, why let the cops humiliate dad or we can do it?

I mean, this is like a revenge pinata.

I feel like with little chunks of dad. Like when I open that Pepsi and under the cap, it said I want a hat.

It's like double that.

So what do you want? You want a custom car shop. I want my Viper flamed and I want my pot back.

We're briming him. But he already has my pot. I'll paint your car. And I apologize for my brother.

Dale. It's payback time. It is difficult to fight against anger for a man who buy revenge with his soul.

Eric Lightest, 500 BC. You scare the crap out of me. He's a slate finally. I gave him a foot massage. He said he wanted his feet to feel

as nice as they look. You must feel dirty. And angry.

Dirty? And angry. I mean, you took the day off of work. You probably get an ulcer from worrying about him so much.

To top it off. You had the massage his feet. What is wrong with you?

Let your dad look closer. What the hell is that for everything in his lab?

Is that there now? There it is again. Angela.

What is that? That is not a heart attack.

Oh, please say it. I love it when you say it.

That's not driving safely.

Your dad doesn't have to worry about his heart anymore. Because I'm going to rip it out.

No, no, no, no, no. Honey, honey, honey, come on. We're going to get revenge.

We're just going to do it slow. Mathematical.

Mean. Like Dad would.

He is going to be so proud. I got flowers. So how's your dad doing? Have you done all the tests? The EKG, the cardiac catheterization, the Eccocardiagram?

Oh, Dad needs tests. After Tommy blew off his toe and clown college, he tried pre-med for a year. He was brilliant with the chemistry.

But what he couldn't handle was when good pigs die. Breathe. Please. Don't you die, honey?

Mr. Shaftar, that pig's been in a jar for seven months. You call yourself a doctor.

Wait for me, damn it.

Yeah, I don't know if they've done any tests for poor dad.

Well, you know if the didacardia catheterization, it's a very painful test. You think he needs one?

Oh, yes, we do. Tommy. He's a sick, sick man. Okay, but they have to run a tube from his growing up to his heart. Oh, really? Yeah. And he has to lie still for like six hours. And, well, that's not the worst part. Oh, what's the worst part? They have to shave him from here to here. Slow.

With hot alcohol. Mean.

LAUGHTER

Landcaster Hart Foundation states that it's 216% more likely that you'll die of a heart condition

in an HMO than in a regular hospital. There are nette mercenaries who frankly don't give a damn about the patient.

How can I use that to my advantage? Well, Mr. Titus, good news. We're releasing your file. What?

What? What? No, no, no. He had a heart attack. And the police report will say accident caused by heart attack, right? Not until they've done tests. Have you done tests? We did tests. Oh, we'll kind of test you to do. He's trying to flash lighten his mouth. And other stuff?

If you release this man and he goes through those sliding doors and keels over well, it's your eyes.

What do you want me to do? Tommy, cardiac catheterization. I don't need that. Yes, you do. What's an expensive test?

You sure you had a heart attack? Oh, yes. Oh, come on. Why would he lie? Who goes around fake and heart attack, right, Ted? Right.

So he needs and he's getting a cardiac catheterization. Yeah, because he's my dad. And I... I... I don't know him.

I want to go to the park and through the ball around with you again. I want you to push me on a swing, Dad. One more time.

When did we do that? It is difficult to fight against anger for a man who by revenge with his soul.

Here are clitus. 500 BC. My dad's pubes are toast. He's through your tides. 2,000 AD.

Okay, everyone out. I got a shave. Oh, you're a shave, me. Yeah.

Cost me a pack of cigarettes, but it's worth it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I made this sound a lot more serious than it was. Oh, you mean you didn't have a heart attack? Then what happened?

Puff it tightest, please. Tell me. No, no, no, no. I had a heart attack. Because we want the best care possible for you. Because we love you. Oh, I love you, Dad. I love you, Dad. I love you, Dad.

I love you too. Save him. Let's go, guys.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you worry, Joel. I'll be very, very careful.

I shave you wrong time.

Nicked it.

Pop, uh, need a little aftershave.

I love like a nine-year-old boy.

Piss for it. Tell them to stop the test. Listen, the truth is, I didn't have a heart attack.

Dad, don't be brave. No, no, I'm not being brave. I just want to keep my driver's license.

What, father? Does that mean that your fake heart attack was fake? Oh, so that would mean that your fake heart attack was

not my fault. I'm shocked. What ever possibly could have happened? Well, it's a long story. Hmm. I would bet a picture is worth a thousand words.

What? You? You knew and you let them shave me. I knew and I got them to shave you.

That's the big picture. You're a set of a bitch.

Set of a bitch. You know what? I'm a set of you.

I think you just married because I'm still old-fusion.

Dad, dad, you're right, dad! Daddy, you're okay! Dad!

Let's go!

Clear this room now!

Wait outside!

The pilot's in cardiac arrest!

Wait outside!

In a crisis, my family puts aside all their petty differences and hatreds.

We come together to make the crisis worse.

Death, I'll take the heat for this one.

Real funny dad!

I'm the funny one.

I'm the funny one.

Okay.