Original subtitles

My mom's a manic depressive skits of frenic.

She's been in and out of mental institutions

and I was a little kid.

It's comforting to know that when I was in kindergarten

I grew in macaroni to paper plates.

My mom was in therapy,

gluten macaroni to paper plates.

A house in a tree, very nice.

Mom's in this one.

Satan with cheese.

But, Roni and Glitterglue, the fun side of mom's insanity. But you may be surprised to know that if they don't take their medication, there's a dark side to paranoid skits of freniant.

It's time for aliens to see you. They look like trash cans more. They always do. They're aliens not morons. Go get your mental hat.

I'll tell you a big bunch of women! Mom was elected block captain of our neighborhood watch. No one ran against her.

You didn't lock the door? I thought I did.

Lock now. I've seen this movie.

Berglue. Get you off. Come the police. I got this. What's that for? Might have a gun.

That fires baseballs?

Christopher. Mom.

Christopher, it's your mother. Shouldn't you put down the bat?

You must be Erin. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you.

I heard a lot about you too.

Mom, somebody chasing you.

Do we need to get ready for a shootout?

Is a wake-o thing going to happen?

Relax, Christopher.

I didn't escape.

I'm all better.

Well, congratulations.

You're not allowed in my house.

Pack your explosives and get out.

That's not making my other angry.

Honey, this is not a drill.

This is not Tommy dressed as mom.

This is mom.

I'm fine, Christopher.

If you don't believe me, call Dr. Williams.

I will.

I've got him on speed dial.

Oh, it'll give us girls time to get to know each other.

I've really got the head start there.

Honey, honey, you're in her kill zone.

There are certain things that will get you released from mental care facility.

Years are good behavior, positive psychological profile, an axe.

I'm sorry, Juanita. He can't seem to let go of your felonies. And he's right. I was crazy. Oh, he's such a smart boy, but he's stubborn. He never lets go of things. God knows that's true.

OK, Mom. It was good to see you come visit again when they burn out the other side of your brain.

All right, sweet, obviously my being here is upsetting you. Let me check the yams out of the oven and I'll go.

Christopher, she made dinner.

Don't turn now. That's how she gets you.

Yams. She hasn't gotten me, but she is funny. You never told me that she was funny.

She saves her best jokes for when she's reloading.

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What did the doctor say? Has she been released?

Apparently. So, she's a how better? A ledger'd lead.

But that's good news, isn't it? Yeah, for her cell mate.

A bitch is not taking her medication.

Lasenges, clean eggs, lipstick.

Good, God. She's a woman. No medication.

How can you put these in my purse?

First of all, thank you, white knight.

My a set. Take one every four hours. There you go. She's medicated. Oh, she took you like that.

Christopher, Christopher. She's not naked. She's not totally gone. I think she's OK. That's the bar she's got to clear an arm to address.

That's ridiculous. One need a please, stay for dinner. Can't we just wrap her up a plate? No.

Does it have my house too, and she's staying? Oh, why did we drill? Why did we drill?

Wow. I didn't even know my oven could do this. There's enough food here for 20 people.

Yeah. And there is only three of us.

I invited everyone. I hope that's OK. Oh, you mean your friends, mom?

No. I mean your father, your brother, and Thomas. Hello? Anybody home?

Finally, a little backup. Titus, hi. What was warm out today, wasn't it? Tell you. Strange weather, we're having this time of year.

I'm the decoy, Davis sneaking around back. She's packing heat. No mugsy. I don't think so.

I brought my cell phone in case she cuts the lines.

Thank you for sticking to the drill.

Thomas!

Goodness. You grown into such a handsome young man.

Oh, you look good, too, Mrs. Titus. How are you?

I'm fine, Thomas. No, I mean, how are you?

Tommy made you an psychology for a year.

And then mom, Mr. Connection, did the nut farm.

Sorry. Rehabilitation Center to get him a summer job. Mrs. Titus, you sure I'm going to get college credit for this? Yes, Thomas. Oh, what about for?

To keep you from biting through your tongue. OK.

I'm not my assistant. It's fabulous. I don't know. That got passed the monkey trials. How do they counter the kidney failure?

They took out the norazine. Someone hasn't kept up with his stony.

Oh, yeah. That's what my mom says. That's because she loves you and who wouldn't. You've matured into someone who can stand up for himself. Handsome strong.

Charming. Stop it.

I'm stopping. Tommy on your side. Hey, excuse me. OK, I can stand up for myself and decide which side I'm going to be on and don't talk to your mother like that.

You weak bastard.

Thanks. My assistant's strong stuff. I think your mom's back. She's not back. She's just at large.

He taught me how to forget. Do I call the cops when I get to 50 or 100? David.

Dave, whether you move or not, she can see you.

She's not back. She's not back.

If you're done going through my bag, sweetheart, I'd like to freshen up before cannery. Okay, mom. But I am keeping your clippers, your tweezers,

Whatever the hell that thing is.

And your cotton swabs.

No problem, dear.

Titus, got the swabs?

Stick in your slam at once.

Did it!

But you're just a prop-bus.

Don't you guys see what she is doing here?

Come on, she's moved into the gastroom, and she has cooked dinner.

Oh, my God!

That makes her our best guest ever!

Dave, you know what she's done? Yeah. Okay, catch you before she gets to her bedroom and find out why she's here. How do I do that? You know that thing you do, where people think you're stupid?

Do that. I can't just turn it on. All right. All right.

Yes! He is so good. What are you doing? You're mom-mess, children, or you're young. You didn't even talk to her. You gave me the answer. And you're eating them? No one was crazy to make them just go up.

Fine. Good for please. Just for tonight. Can't we all try to have a nice normal family meal?

I hear loony tunes make dinner.

I'm surprised. Usually the turkey sings such threatening things to her. She can't get close enough to cook it.

Thanks, giving.

A very special episode. Very soon. She's prowling the guest room. She's not prowling. She's freshening.

Did you lock her in there? Take her two lasers, patterned down for weapons. I am so glad you are here.

My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life.

My mom's a violent paranoid skit to frenic.

God, I love my dad.

I think she's gone. Keep low and don't breathe.

They're in Tommy and Dave thinks she's sane. Oh, yeah. You want to see my scars?

Dad, maybe you should wait outside. No, no, no. It's better to be the hunter than the hunted.

Why give her the element of surprise? Can I?

Dude, what need? What need? You look really good. Why? Thank you, Kenneth and you are as handsome as ever.

Dad? Dad, don't go into the light. What need? Dad, be! Oh, I forgot to open the wine. Kenneth, would you give me a hand?

I'll give you a couple. Christopher, even your dad can see that she's fine. Maybe she's fine. You can't deny the magic between them. I love you, Hems.

I like an accept you falling in you and you, your jarheaded ham eater. But dad, dad's been there. He's felt the bone-shattering rad-lover evils. She's flossed little chunks of dad out of her teeth.

Well, I'm not letting her do this to him again. Christopher, Christopher, this is you fixing something that isn't broken. Remember, Easter?

Dad, baby, chicks all over the lawn?

Remember, rewriting the poem for Kathy? Still have to stay 500 feet away from her? Remember, the washing machine?

The washing machine was broken and I fixed it.

I'm sorry, what are the rules?

That's it. I'm saving Dad. Where's my bed? Two-a-hate. What? What happened? They're kissing. My mother and father are kissing. Mom lives life on an emotional roller coaster. Dad loves roller coasters. And you got to be at least this tall, the ride mom.

She has always been beautiful and sexy, sweet and loving, talented and brilliant. But every time

that roller coaster went up, it came down. And a ride all the bit. Then, Green Wild leads the next

corner on two wheels. Finally, derailed. Crushing Dad and I beneath it. Dad, what are you doing?

Didn't I explain all this to you when you were five? Dad, she's doing it again. I am trying to protect you. Protect me from what?

A beautiful, heavily-medicated woman wants the bow to my every wish?

Which part of you are speaking, Dad? You or your gonads? Right now, they have power to return you.

Son, I don't need your help.

Fine. Guess the only thing left to do now is recharge the fire extinguishers, wrap myself in Kevlar and go to bed.

Come on. Christopher, what's wrong? Mom, you can fool everybody else, but not me. You still don't believe that I'm better. Would you?

Huh, ever since she got your, you have acted amazingly bad way beyond your usual bad. What needa has been crying. I'm loving and supportive. You've been looking at all the food. You've been acting as someone. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Everyone, please. Christopher is absolutely right. There is no reason for him to trust me. I was never there when he was growing up. I was locked up somewhere, getting some kind of treatment. And when I was there, I was too bad at a good mother.

I have been the worst mother ever.

And a Christopher, I need to tell you that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the pills and the doctors and the breakouts and the captures and the birthdays and everything.

I'm just sorry.

I'm sorry that I did so many crazy things that it's going to take more than one night to get you back.

I know it's going to take time, but I still want us to be a real family again. I hope that we can.

What this woman could have taught me, what this woman can have shown me. I've been mad about it for a really long time.

There's nothing I want more than for her to be sane.

Recently, emotional rollercoaster technology has improved greatly.

As long as mom takes her medication.

Maybe it's worth taking another ride.

Glad you're better.

Very nice. It's very touching.

You're such a girl.

On it. Come on, Juanita. We got some catching up to do it.

Can still the romantic.

Now, you sit down and eat dinner. I didn't slave all day for it to get cold.

Christopher.

Just like when you were a baby. Open the hanger. You come still play.

Oh, right. I love my mom. Without her, I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be able to protect myself. Without her and forstates, it's still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

I'm not my mother, can cook. What's that stuff in Turkey that knocks you out? Tripped a fan. I owe Christopher. It'll be great for both of us to have real mom around.

What's that stuff in Turkey that knocks you out?

Tripped a fan. You owe Christopher. It...

No, nobody makes Turkey dinner like my mom. There's little pilgrim cookies with the little chocolate suits. Homemade candies. Candy, the lamb.

The lamb covered ham.

The lamb very jam in the shape of the can.

Spit a pill into my hand.

Nice it.

Oh, my God. See, the trip to fan, you can still feel your legs.

Christopher, Christopher, call the police. Help! Help!

They can't help you. What's he? All of my myosec in the gravy. If they won't wake up until after you're funeral.

Christopher, they're in call 911. Nine.

Why?

She's funny, don't why you're doing this. You ruined my life, you bastard.

You are the reason we never had a normal family, not me. Now it's time to paint.

Run faster, Kenneth. I've been sprinting every morning. I need to work out.

One. Oh, honey, honey.

We need to drill more.

My mom is a manic depressive skits of friendship. Drug in the family, trying to kill dad, high speed police chase.

Norman Rockwell is bleeding. Never again, mom.

I'm not gonna answer it. I'm not. Hello? Yeah, I know mom, you're always sorry.

Yeah, you did look pretty on the nose.

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.