Original subtitles

Normal people say what they mean.

They want something they ask.

Screwed up people never say what they mean.

But if you grow up among them, you learn their ways,

their customs, their drinking habits.

Until one day you become known as the translator.

May I have the remote?

I am currently using the remote.

It's ironic you're watching Sacred Ice Women when you're girlfriend drown last month.

All right. Go Niners!

Next time, just give me the remote.

When you can't communicate, you act out. It's called acting out.

When you act out above a freeway exit ramp, it's called violating the penal code.

When Dave and Howard teenagers had we seen a sign that said,

penal code, we just told him that too.

Hey, hey, after this one, we'll get dangerous curves.

And then, slippery win wet!

There is it us. Put us in jail. For I was later dead, brought bail. It took us home. Put us on the lap. We did hard time. Hard time. Dad, we finished. Nice job boys. What you missed is part.

After that, I decided Dad would only humiliate me for two more years. Three years later, I was on my own. Dave still lives with Dad because he doesn't have my spontaneity.

Excuse me. Christopher Titus, my brother's been arrested. Who's your brother? You must be new here.

See? This is my other son, Christopher. He doesn't have as many felonies as his brother.

Can you believe Dave? I wasn't surprised. Oh, man, what do you do this time? Grant theft. Grant theft. That's a real crime. And this is a real police station.

And your brother is a real criminal. Well, Dad, if you were bailing him out, why did you call me? Well, me bailing him out of the rules. I had him arrested.

What? What? What? You? You? You? California Public School.

Why did you have him arrested? He knows what he did. Ask him. Okay, fine. Dave, he had you arrested. What did you do? He can't hear you. Dave.

What's up? Isn't that sweet? Two brothers joined at the Wussy.

Mr. Titus, I need you to fill this out. Hey, look at me. I'm fighting crime.

Excuse me. Can you get a message to my brother in there? Sure. What do you want me to tell him? Tell him to not worry that his big brother's here no matter what he did, I'll help him out of it. Don't worry, your big brother's here no matter what you did. He's going to help you out of it.

Thank you. You're welcome. Dave, can you hear me? So what happened? Dave, Dave, Dave, if you can hear me, I can hear you. Moron. I heard that. Titus, I found a space. Can I have a quarter for the meter? Yellow Subaru? Yeah. Two legs. Oh!

This is all Dave's fault. What is it this time? They find his marijuana plants?

You smoke a little pot of school. You get suspended. You make pot into a non-fat creamy sandwich spread? You become an honor student.

So I'm graduating, right? Validictorian. And we'd like to come back next year as a teacher.

Girls volleyball coach? Why not?

California Public School.

Dave, what the hell happened?

Dad would not when he found out I moved out.

I'm happy you're arrested for stealing my own stock.

It's my VCR.

Officer, Officer, look, this is ridiculous. That's his son in there. Just let him out.

You are destroying a loving family.

Yes. Thank you, Tommy. That was attention breaker.

Look, we can't release him unless your father drops the charges. Dad?

Does the perpetrator have any recognizable scars? Only emotional.

There's no box for that. I'll just check other.

Now what are you going to do?

Christopher, let me try. Mr. Titus, and this is something my father taught me.

Father and son start together and then they grow apart until the sun's ready to be a man. And then they grow together again.

Can you get him away from me? This can't just be about a VCR. What else did you do?

Just move it up. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, we'll try to tell you. But you, you. I said don't tell dad. But I also said don't tell dad. I told you not to tell dad. Oh, yeah.

You know what we would have told my dad? Your plan is to write him a note and tie that to a brick.

Then throw it through his window. Of course. Not dad's armed with a brick.

We're leaving, can't I've had it. Bye, and I'm sure a 40-year-old woman with big hips and two kids.

Well, I've ended up with finding another husband. Welcome home.

Go buy yourself something sexy.

Right on.

So this is your fault. You told Dave not to tell him.

Because all he does is mess with people's mind. You're right, I do.

See you doing it right now. No, I'm not. Guess you are.

All right, I am. Stop it. Stop it.

What the heck? Mr. Titus will you drop the charges if Dave gives you back the VCR?

No, he needs to learn a lesson. Hey, Steve and Junior.

Where's your dad? Isn't he working today? He's in rehab. Rehab? Will you tell him from me that Ken Tieda said he's a wussy?

I just don't get why he's so pissed. I moved out exactly the same way and I stole his tools. Uh-huh, uh-huh. What?

You are the person he's trying to teach a lesson, too? Me? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, I'll stop.

Tommy was a psych major for a year. Six years of college, he had seven majors. Psychology, English, lit, economics, you're a clown college in Sarasota. But his career was cut short when he lost his baby toe and a nasty shoe explosion.

Kids, wanna see my dps you do the other day? Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

Holy holly Histot Damnit.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

You're dead!

It's using Dave to get back at you for all the years of trouble that you cost him.

I never did anything to him.

And second, he started.

Oh, really?

The third time he got back together with his fourth wife, you didn't come to the party.

She smelled like feet.

All right?

Oh, you blew the transmission out on his TR3.

It was a stick.

I was nine.

Did you ever do that to one of your cars?

No, I learned when I was nine. Oh, well. Just set fire to his boat. I was giving a Viking funeral to GI Joe.

Jim, sit fire to your boat or your car. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Got it, you nine told clown.

I've always tried to prove something to my father that I was smart that I was talented. That I was his kid.

Where the hell are you going? I'm 17. That's where the hell I'm going? I'm a man. I don't need you anymore, Dad. I mean, Ken.

So why don't you take a good look at that? Oh, man, because that's all you're going to be seeing at a me for a while.

For months two weeks, six days, nine hours later. That is. By key doesn't work in the door anymore. I mean, have laundry.

laundry, here's some soap. I'm trying to rock in a river. You push his buttons as much as he pushes yours. I tell me I got it. I got it. Where the hell is Billy and Joey and Dan? Well, Billy retired and Joey retired and Dan blew his brains out retired. They're my age. Dad. Hey, listen, you want to go over to Malaynees? I'm on duty, Mr. Titus. Oh, come on. That never

stopped your father. Listen to him. Titus, all his buddies have retired. He's just so sad. When did cops forget how to party? Dad.

They didn't forget how to party. They just don't party with someone your age. My age. Look, I know it's going on here. You're old and you're panicking that you've lost control of David and me. Lost control. Thank you for facing that.

You took control. Well, it's like you taught a stat. I mean, that's how I got David to move out without telling you.

Oh, so this is completely your idea. Sometimes you got to take action. Like you always taught it. I mean, you know why drove the truck over. I helped him load it. I mean, that's.

I taught I got him out of there. Yeah. You heard that Steve? My son helped him load the truck. I heard it. You know what that means? You made me a man.

But you made you an accessory. You have to write to remain silent. Oops. Two women.

Excessory, my ass, you evil son. I won't try to do something.

But if you can't help being a vampire, something all the life out of my story.

Something jerk.

Mr. Titus, I think having Christopher arrested is acting out of his way. It's just plain unhealthy.

I disagree. I had a headache before, but now it's gone. Excuse me, Officer. I'm looking for Christopher.

I just family reunion. It's right over there. Who the hell called her? I don't know. I had to check my car.

You got my message. Thank God. One, night a week. I just want one night a week for myself. And look, I got it. Take a bath. Go shopping. Get an herbal wrap. Go to the ATM so I can pick up bail money.

So I can get my boyfriend out of jail. And you know what? I'm refreshed.

I feel like a mountain spring. You do smell fresh. Thank you. They're telling your car.

Oh, my God.

He's lying. Aaron has a special relationship with my father. She makes it possible for him and I to communicate. I mean, without her, I'd be talking about him instead of two. Thanks, honey. Nice.

I want you to hug each other. No. Christopher, you love your father. He's taught you everything that you know.

Aaron, please. I'll bet I should proud of your side. Everything he does is a reflection of your love. Stop it.

Your father should life. Though it burns. Son, is the jewel of your eye? How long did you do this? Oh, night. She's a witch. Stop it, you hug.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, I know what's going on.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Papa Titus, I know that the love that you feel.

Aaron, I know. I know. I know. I don't drop the charges.

But no, hug me. Release the idiots.

I'm so honest. Right. You're doing the right thing.

Uh, witch.

Thanks, baby. Oh, right. Thank her, not me.

Well, I think you're for what? Locking me up like a common criminal.

You don't have to turn around so you're as a false arrest. Dave, please listen to your inside voice right now. What's it, Sam?

You shut the hell up and get your stuff. My inside voice is rude.

Dad, I know it's going to give you a tumor, but you did the right thing. Yeah, okay. Fine. Screw it.

That's the spirit. You're telling us you need to fill out a release form? Sure. I got nothing better to do.

Hey, listen, you guys want to go over to Malayne's. Maybe order a pizza, rent the video tape? Yeah, that'll be fun. We can reminisce about the time you threw your boys in jail.

How long are you gonna throw that, my face?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is great. With Dave gone, you dad'll spend more time with us. Oh, my guy. With Dave gone, you dad'll spend more time with us.

Hi, Dad. Well, it is surprise. Join us. Thanks for jamming. Go save yourself. Dad?

What time to Dave? What do I say to him? Just get him to move back in with him. I just got him to move out. Just be honest with him.

Honesty, but it is not the way of my people.

Dave, what? Dad's dying. Oh, my God. Yeah. What? Aaron found out. Oh, my God, what is it? He's got a heart thing.

The ticker? But those pig bells are even a year old. Dave, think. If you have a bad heart, you're not even supposed to eat pork.

So how long does he have? Could be ours. Could be yours. But this thing is you never know. That's why he had Dave arrested. Because he's lonely. He needs help. He's just too proud to ask. Yeah, that's good. I mean, right.

Tell me. He is dying. Oh, shh. I got it. So don't tell dad that you know and don't tell dad that it told you not to tell dad. And remember that this time. And poor dad, I'm going to be there for him. Good. Every Sunday. See, if you check on him, then he'll know you know.

So if you're going to fool him, move back in. Yeah. And he's going to need help, Dave. You know, taking showers going to the bathroom.

He's not that. He's talking to me. And you're just like, oh, this shh. And the heart thing is like, I know.

He's not that sick. I mean, he just needs some company, you know, someone around to answer the phone.

When you need to call 911. You know? No, not worth it.

Hey. Dave, I'll tell you what. You do this for dad. All by you guys in New VCR. No, no. Dad isn't much videotapes anymore. He likes that DVD. Say, okay, DVD play. No, then dad will just get mad about how

you're writing the DVD picture looks on the crappy old TV. I don't want to upset him. You know, because of his ticker.

The DVD play or new TV. You know, the cable in our neighborhood really sucks. Dad would like to sad light. Do you know what?

Dad will be dead before I buy you a sad light. Deal.

So I have something to remember, and buy it. Yeah. Papa tight as I know the love that you have. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. They can move back in. Pain in my ass. Slow, slow. What's up, buddy? Keep him away for me.

Dad? Yeah. So yeah.

Okay. Dad? Yeah. So yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is great. They're talking. Not quite. So you admit to being a wussy for sneaking out and stealing my stuff.

It was daylight. It's my piece of crap. Be sure. Now they're talking. All right. I cannot believe that I brought up such an idiot and a loser. The house will feel so empty without you there, son. You were always right in my ass. I'm calling you a wussy. You've made me a stronger, better person. That's because you are a wussy. You're everything I'd always hoped you'd be. You need your ass, kid.

Oh, man. I love you, Daddy. If you don't shut up, I will shut you up. It's so beautiful.

Okay.

I would rather rip out my eyeballs with rusty screwdrivers than with you. All right, all right.

You could move back in, but it's going to cost you a hundred bucks a month. Fine. Fine. But I want my room to paint it.

Agreed. You buy the paint and you paid it. You watch me.

Excuse me, Mr. Titus. You sure this is your vcr?

Damn straight. We found half an ounce of marijuana in it.

Yeah, it's his piece of crap, VCR. But the pot is mine.

Oh, my God.

Normal people say what they mean. My dad's a pain in the ass. My girlfriend's constantly pissed at me.

My brothers and idiot and Tommy are noise to crap out of me. Life is beautiful.

I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.