Original subtitles

The Los Angeles Times stayed 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional.

That means we're the majority.

We're normal.

It's the people that had the mom, dad, brother, sister, little white pickets, fence.

Those people are the freaks.

Normal people terrify me because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know

and a handle problems when they come up. Some little happens, they just snap. Like my pal Tommy.

It's their no-go!

For being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me.

Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

What do you mean, dad is dead? I think dad is dead. Not a lot of gray area here, Dave.

Dave, dead? Not dead. Is there a pulse? I don't know. I have taken half a day off work. They're better be a corpse.

I mean, what makes you think he's dead? He's been in his room for four days now. Right and without getting a beer.

Oh, my God. Yeah?

How did it happen? I don't know. I'm not going in his room. I'll be scarred for life.

Dave, you've been living with the man since you were eight. You are scarred for life.

Dave and I have both lived in the same fear of dad, except I was slightly more aggressive.

Look at it. What does he do? Just sitting there, chair going out the back of his head.

But I could kick his ass.

Oh, we could go get ice cream.

I had decided to cross that man boy line.

I did not lose you, crescent wrench.

You are such a bag of butt traps. Do you want to piece of me? Come on, man. Yeah. I got some moves now.

Thought my dad was lazy. Turns out he was just resting up.

See, the difference between me and Dave is Dave has the ability to walk away. I'm out. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Not going anywhere. Going there to discover our dead father. No, no, no, no. I never wanted dad's room when he was alive. I'm sure he's not going in there now that he's dead. Oh, come on. You've been in his room before. Never in my life. Okay, one.

When we swiped his hustle magazine Christmas issue, 62 pages of whole ho-hoes.

No, no, no, you went in. I always look out.

Only stone quarter from his last vagus, Jeff. Look out.

Okay, how about the time we got? Oh.

We'll look, little brother. Now you have a choice. Okay? You can go in there and find it if our father is dead.

Or you can forever be as solace, nothing.

Rodding on the sidelines, waiting for life to run you over.

I choose Rodding solace, nothing.

Quit being a wussy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That was the supreme insult in my family. Dad thought you could get through anything. If you just quit being a wussy, you get your arm ripped off.

Dad would find the arm, get some packing tape, and strap it back on. There you go, son. You're all ready to play. Time to quit being a wussy. Thank you, father. I'll do the best soccer player ever. What? I am not wussy! Well, we'll go in there, man. I'm not a wussy. Well, we'll go in there, man. I'm not a wussy.

Fear no evil, face to darkness. Oh, please, I live with him. I face the darkness every day. You go in. Fine. I'll go in. Good. I'll be lookout.

Dave, tightest.

My father never missed a drink or a joint or a party or a chance to get laid in his life. But he also never missed a day of work or a house payment or a car payment.

This is a man that's been divorced five times and the women cleaned him out every time. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box.

Twelve inch black and white TV and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. I met a Foxy new ladies and day. I think you're going to like her. You ready for a new mommy?

What's he?

If anybody else had put me through all the years of crap that this man had, I had a burst in the room, danced at Jig and high five the corner.

But this is my dad. You want to find your dad, dad? Shut up. I'm going to make a sandwich. You want one? Wussy? Light man, he's no cheese. So now what? I don't know. I mean,

we don't notify somebody soon. We stop being grieving relatives and become suspects.

Hey, maybe there's some kind of service we can call.

I mean, like that guy that comes over and pulls dead squirrels out of your heating vent?

Well, no, I guess not. Maybe we should call mom. My mom is crazy. I don't mean my mom is crazy. I mean, we the jury find a defendant. She was diagnosed a manic depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility.

Or as dad so eloquently put it. Son, your mom is shocked up in the wacko basket.

Come in. Yeah, come on.

We got to go in there. We just date. Shouldn't we wait like a half hour?

Dave. Go in it. Right. Because we're not wussies. Right.

Back door. Go in. Beech it. So I'm sitting in a meeting with a very important client and suddenly my

page goes off with a message. It says, Dad's dead. So I've raised out of the meeting and I drive all the way to Santa Maria because naturally I think my dad's dead.

Honey, your dad is not dead. Yeah. I know that now.

Because if he were what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so sick.

Baby, I'm sorry. I should have said my dad is dead.

Wasn't funny about my dad. It's not funny about yours either.

I was not a joke.

But the title is just dead. We did page you.

Christopher. That's Aaron. I'll always take him care of me.

Not like my last girlfriend. Case number two for six dash B. She was a little less thoughtful.

She was a five foot 100 pound Jewish girl.

And I still haven't forgiven the Jewish people. I almost been a name jailed because of this one. But they don't let you stay in jail just because you're afraid you're good friend.

Okay. I'm okay. Dave? No. I don't worry. I'll handle everything. I will call everyone. I'm here.

Now. God, you are just amazing. I mean, you find out our father might be dead and you're all over it.

God, I love you. What did you say? God, I love you. But before that, you are so honest. Let's go all the way back to the might be dead part.

I'm sorry. David, I have some concerns about that too. Of course, Aaron can get pretty angry. She's got that Irish temper. But she's no other Irish, so we don't fight. She just puts a bomb in my car.

Isn't she great? Beautiful, proactive. Although when we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a huge mistake. I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a lot. We'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are an infertile nightmare.

You can't believe that you guys are so lame. You can't go in there if I'm your own dead father.

You're small, weak, men, and you disgust me.

Well, little miss Big Top could open it either.

I already walked in on one horrifying scene, too. So what makes you think he's dead? He's been in his room for four days now. Right? And without getting a beer.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Maybe that's why he gave me his will.

Will. What will? Last Thursday, he gave me his will. He gave you a will? How can you give me the will? Well, I live here. I should get the will. I'm the only.

Dad! Listen, you're missing the point. We've got a secret will and a newly-died guy. All right. I train leave Chicago. Going 65.

Why would Dad go to Chicago?

Dad killed himself. Guy. He got what I waste. He was only 54. Who won the pool?

I had 68. 53. 52.

Hey, so what? 54. Dad did.

So I went out of winter and delusher. I'm sorry.

Dad is not the kind of guy that would kill himself. One of us may be but not himself. Maybe he wasn't so

a guy. Maybe he knew he was going to die. Now, how would he know? He hadn't been to the doctor since

the fallace you visited. Episode 11. You want to open it? You want to? I mean, it'd be kind of nice to see you. We got kind of like Christmas except Dad's not drunk. And no cops.

You read them, Tommy.

This is no God. Oh, God, your dad is dead. I am so sorry. What a great man. He was. I am so sorry, Tommy. Aaron. I know you loved him too. I'm so sorry. Oh, Dave.

I so feel your loss, Dave. It's going to be all right, everyone. I stopped by the book store and I read through a number of books and I found this one to be the most comprehensive. Death. Do's and don't. Tommy is the most anal detail oriented, anal humanity.

We are the most anal human being on the planet, which is why I hired him. We did it again. We started with a hunk of metal, four wheels and a motor. We turned it into art.

Picasso, Van Gogh.

Titus.

Shut up. Come on. Come on. Let's get some lunch. Yes, darling. Come on, Tommy. Let's go. I can't leave it like this. This place is a mess. Oh, did your mother teach you nothing?

Titus high performance. We built hot rods. Hot rods, they're smoother.

Faster and have more flow than anything on the road. Because all anybody wants is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car.

What the hell is it, dead? Do. Do. Right, an obituary for the newspaper.

I took the liberty. We'll read it later. I understand. Don't. Okay.

Do. Oh, decide if you're going to have a viewing of the body.

Are we going to...

Eventually. Tommy, you know, a viewing is an excellent idea. You go first.

He's still in there? Oh, my God. No, no, I think having the body removed is a big death, too.

I don't want to see Mr. Titus like that. He was like a father to me. He was like a father to all of us.

Tommy worships my dad because he didn't have to grow up with him. He didn't have to run the gauntlet.

A mother will give you knowledge. A father makes you earn knowledge. Don't do that sweetheart. It's dangerous. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well, go on.

Yeah, it's you're not going to do that again, now, are you?

What's forgot the cake? I left it on the porch. Okay, why did you bring cake? Page two, sixteen. Do you have plenty of comfort foods?

A pastry, chocolate, and cake. Well, we can either go into your father's room or have cake. Cake.

Yeah, I'm going to Mr. Dad. Me too. Remember the mailbox? Yeah. What? Titus stole a federal mailbox. I was drunk. And it was given me attitude. But police caught him and took him to jail. Yeah, Dad left him here.

Two days. He wouldn't post bail. But you never did that again, huh?

Son of a bitch.

He really loved me.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

He taught us so much.

How to shave, how to drive?

How to water skiing?

Yeah.

He gave us three tries to get up.

And if you weren't up by that third try, swim back!

You were a great guy, you were like what? He was a noble loving father, caring human being, only thought of others.

Well, sober. Oh, so? Man, when he drank, he turned into the most negative human being on the planet.

You might know him as...

Antideann!

Wherever there is hope, I will stop it.

Where self-esteem rear is that shiny little head?

I will be there to kick it in the test to go.

Hey, Dad, Dad! I got a BMI report card.

But it's not an A, is it, sir?

Now that the smile has left your face, I'm off.

Hey, Dad, I graduated high school.

But you didn't make valentic Tori, and did you go on? When your confidence returns, so will I.

Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad, I got my first job! Good for you! Wait a minute, something's wrong.

First job, huh? Well, you ain't managerial at all, you boy. And a real man would own his own business. Now leave me alone.

I'm off to destroy your brother! Okay, now it's my turn. Hey, Dad, guess what? Last year, I started my home business, and in one year, I had made more money than you made it an evening year of your life. What do you think about that, huh?

I think without me pushing you, you never would have made it.

Now, will you keep it down in here? I am trying to get some sleep! He's not, Dad.

Thank God! Thank God, right? The Los Angeles Times, state 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good.

Because that means an Armageddon happens, 37% of this population is going to lose their money. Oh my God, the world is over!

A 63%? We're going to go, hey, there's nobody watching the Lexus dealership.