Original subtitles

Captain, considering the ship's currently floating in space,

there's concern we may be lost.

Lost? Of course not.

Our bearings...

Second star to the left, straight on till morning?

Captain, we're approaching some sort of land beyond imagination.

Jack Sparrow?! Is that really you?

It's been forever.

My old friend, Captain Two Hands.

Wow, we do need to catch up.

Why, you've spent all this time fighting a kid in green tights?

But there's a crocodile, too.

He makes the most horrible sound whenever he's near.

Tick-tock.

Like a clock?

No, that annoying Kesha song.

[Pop music playing]

Point is, mate, pirates are heroes now.

You're allowed to win.

Hey, Hook, look at your flag.

That's you. You look like that.

Ha ha ha!

Will you help me?

I'll do better than that.

I'll give you a makeover.

Hmm. More swaying.

Less frills.

Move your facial hair.

Some dreadlocks.

Bring out your eyes.

And finally...

- [coughs] - Dirt.

What do you think?

Captain Hook, you are the world's next top pirate.

[Cheers and applause]

[Screaming]

Ah! A-ho!

Ha ha ha! I feel great.

Like I could take on the whole world.

Whoo-hoo! Nice guy-liner, Hook.

Got a hot date?

Oh, I'll get you, Peter Pan.

[Clears throat]

Please, pirates may be cool now,

but staying a kid will always be cooler.

Right, Eddie?

I'm moody.

Little girls eat that up.

Hey, Hook, you know what I'm gonna do later?

Drive a car.

Really? I was planning on voting.

Hey, not fair.

Of course, we could always just go to an R-rated movie.

Stop it!

- [Chuckles] - [Gasps]

Uhh!

[All gasp]

Now, finally, the treasure of Neverland will be ours.

Uh, Peter Pan actually doesn't have any treasure.

You've been chasing this brat for years and he's broke?

Yes. But he cut off my hand.

Big deal. Tell that to Roy.

I think I got a splinter in my neck.

Look at it this way, Jack.

At least we have each other.

Ja... Jack?

Sorry, Captain, but there are other pirates out there

who need my help.

Ain't that right, Captain Munch?

I don't think a squid is part of a complete breakfast.

But it stays soggy in milk.

[Gags]

[Vomits]

The top 5 things Katy Perry kissed but didn't like.

A porcupine.

- Ow! - Ew!

Is that cherry lip gloss?

Tapioca pudding.

Ugh. Feels like fish eggs.

Fish eggs.

Ugh. Feels like tapioca pudding.

A mouse trap.

Whew. Thanks, Katy.

And the liberty bell.

Ew. I kissed it on the crack.

Heh heh heh.

Mad!

[Engine gurgling]

[Flatulence]

[Flatulence continues]

♪ I want to throw up, those kids are real rats ♪

♪ that's why I send them to my toys 4 brats ♪

This week at toys 4 brats, check out baby cutz-a-lot.

That's got to hurt.

- Lectroland play set. - Zowwy.

- Meat farm. - Ew.

- Skill saw. - That's sharp.

- And play-don't... radioactive gloop.

♪ So when you're swinging at kids ♪

♪ the way you're swinging at gnats ♪

♪ just send them down to toys 4 brats ♪

The world's biggest rip-off.

[Water bubbling]

I hate this show, but I can't find the remote.

[Roar]

The problem here, class,

the dinosaurs are actually members of the bird family

and would not roar.

So I've corrected the sound effects of the following films.

Let's watch, shall we?

[Bird chirping]

[Rooster crows]

I thought I thaw a puddy cat.

And there you have it.

Now, who wants to see altered film from my vacation?

[Growl]

Hmm.

[Cash register dings]

[Man groans, tree snaps]

"Frog the bounty hunter."

There he is. That's our guy.

This will be easy.

[Horn honking]

[Frog croaks]

[Horns honking]

Next week on "Frog the bounty hunter"...

Oh, no, your father was hit by a car.

I'll save him.

[Horn honking]

"Frog the bounty hunter."

Mad!

[Bell jingles]

Don't worry, Muffin, you still look distinguished.

[Muffin yelps]

- Dog-o-phone.

[Laughs]

Hey, kids, remember, it's "I" before "e" except after "c,"

or when sounding like "a," as in neighbor and weigh.

Plus these few exceptions... caffeine, species, science,

sufficient, ancient, society,

weird, theism, protein, sovereign, foreign, feisty...

We interrupt this program with some breaking news.

A turkey is in the middle of playing pool.

[Dance music playing]

Who's the turkey now, huh?

Turkey or shark, either way, it'll be over on Thanksgiving.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Deify, deity, seize, beige, neither, counterfeit,

zeitgeist, sheik, conscience.

And that's "I" before "e" except after "c."

Plus a few exceptions.

[Chuckles]

[Doorbell buzzes]

[Chuckles]

[Coughing]

[Flatulence]

[Groans]

Larry, did you remember to lock the door?

Ugh.

[Grumbling]

Mad.

- Celebrities without their make-up.

The rock may have a chiseled chin,

but he starts to crumble without his foundation.

Amy Winehouse should be grouchy with how much make-up she needs.

Iron man looks best if you stand far, far away.

Maggie Gyllenhaal looks doggone droopy without her make-up.

And Robert Pattinson should move from Twilight

into darkness with what he looks like.

Pbbl And that's celebrities without their make-up.

Whew.

Sir, commissioner Gordon fears the Riddler

is going to kidnap the studio audience

on the "Family Feud" tonight.

Did he get a riddle?

No, I believe it says it on the channel guide.

I tried to get a ticket, but it's been sold out for months.

Then I guess there's only one way to get in.

[Theme music playing]

Introducing the Batman family.

Ready for action.

And the Berkel family.

It's time for the "Family Feud."

Ok, we all know how to play the game.

100 people surveyed. Top 5 answers on the board.

Name something you find in a bookshelf.

Bat holes.

[Buzzer] What, that's not right?

Give me another.

That's not how the game works.

Give me another!

All right, all right.

Name something you'd find in a cave.

Computers. [buzzer]

You got to be kidding me.

- Lola? - Rocks.

[Cheers and applause]

Rocks? What kind of cave do you live in?

We'll play.

Ok, Bats, back to your team.

Batman, I'm gonna sneak off, see if I can't find the Riddler.

The who?

The Riddler.

It's who we're here to capture.

Oh, right, right, right. I forgot.

Rocks, she says.

All right, Mrs. Johnson, since your family is up next,

we'll just apply some powder

so you don't sweat under those lights.

The joker!

Uhh!

Why did you punch Mrs. Johnson?

Why?

Zip it, joker Henchman.

The joker?

It's the Riddler we want.

How's it going?

Name something a penguin does.

Robs banks. [buzzer]

Not good.

Crummy Berkels are smarter than Braniac.

I gotta use the can.

[Cackles]

What the?

Hold it, Riddler! You're under arrest.

Tell you what, Batman.

You let me go and I'll make you a deal.

There's nothing you have that I want, Riddler.

Not even if I rig the questions so you can beat the Berkels?

Ok, Batman, name something you wear on your head.

A cowl.

Name something exchanged on the first date.

A batarang.

Name Batman's secret identity.

- Bruce Wayne. - You did it!

You won the "Family Feud."

I did it! I did it! I... Wait, what'd I just do?

Bruce Wayne, huh? Sucker.

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