Original subtitles

FRANK: Forgive me, Graham, but that's damn nonsense,

and I won't be a party to it.

I'm not angry.

I'm sure that you do.

(sighs) Fine. Sure.

Talk to you soon.

What did Graham have in mind?

Press coverage of my returning to work.

Even without a media entourage,

I'm not so sure going back to work

after only three weeks is such a hot idea, Furillo.

I'll take it easy.

You know, I would give you more of an argument

if you weren't so restless at home.

Have I been a lousy patient?

We were very glad to have you.

Cold cuts in the refrigerator for lunch if you change your mind.

-Thank you. -Easy does it, Furillo.

Easy does it.

(inhales deeply)

Item seven: assignments and operations.

Lieutenant Buntz is gonna be taking a personal day today.

He's gonna be on a TV show.

Yeah, he was witness to an accident,

and instead of going to court,

they're gonna settle it on television.

This I gotta see. Buntz is gonna be on TV?

Lieutenant's on "Tell it to the Judge"?

-(laughter) -He says that they're taping today,

but it's not gonna be on for a couple of months,

I guess. Well, anyway, the point is

that Detective Snelker is replacing

the Lieutenant at the Koppleman Hardware stakeout.

Marshall and Reeser are at the Hubba-Hubba Lounge,

116 and Jerome.

Mick Belker is at Nicholson's Loan Mart,

where we got reports they're buying stolen property.

Here's a last, personal item.

Captain Furillo is threatening to come back to work today.

-(cheering) -MAN: All right!

Now, people,

people let's be aware that this is an individual

recuperating from major surgery 21 days ago.

Now, I'm not suggesting that all approaches be cleared through me,

but let's use our heads.

Captain's always had an open-door policy,

but let's be bright about not overusing it.

Okay.

All right, item eight:

possible new vehicles.

(cheering)

This is one test unit.

It's being loaned to the department for trial use.

Well, boy howdy anyway.

I'd assigned it to you and Hill, Andy. What's the matter?

-Is Bobby sick or something? -No, he's late for work.

Okay, Hill and Renko get it for trial operation today.

Now, these trials are going on throughout the department,

and assuming that the returns are good,

maybe we'll all have new units on the road by spring.

-HENRY: Stan, excuse me, Stan? -Okay, that's it.

-Let's have a safe shift. -Stan? Stan?

Wait a minute. Lieutenant?

People, poker isn't gonna work at my place tonight.

I got a little plumbing problem.

-(laughter, groaning) -Hey, casa Coffey.

I pay for refreshments.

If you're coming there to kibbitz, go to a movie.

-Same time, Joseph? -Yeah.

Okay, poker at 7:30 at Joe Coffey's.

Now let's go. They're getting away out there.

(chattering)

You know any good plumbers, Howard?

Without tooting my own trumpet, Henry,

I must confess that I'm rather handy at household repairs.

I handle all those chores myself.

-So that's a "no." -Hmm.

You know, I wonder if any research has ever been done

on your tribe's extreme ineptitude in that whole area.

What whole area?

Oh, you know, cleanup, paint up, fix up.

It's a myth, Howard.

Holds as much water as any other stereotype.

-Sorry I'm late, Renko, traffic. -We get to test-drive a new unit.

-You shaved off your mustache. -Yeah.

Hey, Bobby, the poker game's at my place tonight.

-I thought it was Goldblume's turn. -He's got problems with his plumbing.

Be there.

NORMAN: Hey, hey, hey.

Will you read my lips? I'm on personal time.

Norman, this is exactly the kind of attitude

why I'm considering taking my services to Polk Avenue.

Now, I am developing a double-header,

counterfeit money for stolen weapons.

I would like a little positive reinforcement.

-Give me your wallet. -Ooh! A stocking stuffer.

Norm, you're taking money out.

Yeah. Here's your inspiration.

Hmm?

Now, come back to me when you got something.

I'm late.

The man is a motivational genius.

WOMAN (on radio): Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

-Armed robbery in progress. -(sirens whooping)

See Surplus Store, corner of People's Drive and 124th Street.

(theme music playing)

(action music playing)

Yeah, it's your lucky day, slick, so I'm not popping you. So...

Say what?

I'm saying, uh, no arrest.

Take off, you're out of here.

Wait a minute. Are you forgetting something?

And when I see you downtown,

you can believe me there's gonna be more to talk about.

So, out of here. Get out of here. Get lost.

Jeez.

He's a real deep thinker, you know?

You give him a break, and the moron just stands there. Doesn't know...

Luce--

Excuse me, Joe.

-Lucy, here's that $40 you asked me for. -Thanks.

You sure you can let me have it back by Monday?

I got a car payment coming due.

No problem. I really appreciate the transfusance.

(telephone ringing)

Uh, uh, Mick. Uh, Mick. Detective Belker's the one that you want to talk to, ma'am.

-Oh. Actually-- -My name is Elizabeth Mies.

I live at 1110 Carol Gardens in the back apartment.

Three weeks and four days ago, I was broken into,

and lost my toaster and some other household items.

-Actually, I'm not sure-- -The stuff is in a pawn shop window

on Utica and 121st Street.

I wrote the name down. Here, it's--

-Nicholson's Loan Mart. -Nicholson's Loan Mar--

-Well, how did you know that? -Well, we know that pawn shop

receives stolen merchandise,

so I'm going over there right now to work there

to catch the people who are doing it.

And what you have to do is make a list.

-Everything you lost-- -They got my electric knife,

which I really don't use.

I don't cook so much now, now that I'm alone,

and when I do, you know, my regular knife is just as nice.

-You want to give the list to Sergeant-- -They got a radio,

which doesn't have any batteries,

and some other stuff.

But it's the toaster oven I miss the most.

I know.

In the morning, I come into the kitchen,

I like to have my rye toast with melted cheese--

Excuse me, Mrs. Mies. I have to go to Nicholson's now.

Do you know how I know that the toaster oven they got there is mine?

No, I don't. How?

I asked him to show it to me.

Here. You give me your hand.

Caraway seeds from my toast.

Bingo.

Plus, I recognized it anyway.

You're gonna let me know when you make the arrest?

Oh, I'm gonna be in touch.

I'm gonna wait to hear from you.

Okay.

Shut up, Joe.

What's the matter?

That $50 you borrowed from me for Fabian's shoes and sneaks?

-Yeah, what? -Well, I didn't see him wearing them yet.

It was raining on Saturday. We couldn't go shopping.

Did my money go where Jablonski's money's going?

I don't know what you're saying now. You're making me crazy.

Hey, my man.

-What's going on, huh? -Hey!

-Joe! -We got the money you came by for

-this morning, huh? -You don't have to shout it, baby.

Yeah. He knows what I'm talking about, Luce.

Where is she? Where's the kid's mother?

Joe, let's go back to the unit, please, right now.

You're a pimp. What, are you and her shaking Lucy down now, or what?

You ain't gonna find Tracy smashing my face into this wall.

-What do you mean "Tracy"? Who's Tracy? -Tracy, that's what he calls her.

Now, let him go right now, Joe. Let him go!

You wanna find the lady?

I'll take you to the lady.

Come on. Just come on.

Seem like Tracy and me in the middle of something.

Whatever it is, we're gonna straighten it out right now, pal.

Joe, you know you don't have to.

You don't know everything that's going on here.

-PIMP: Tracy. -Hey.

What do you want?

-What happened to you? -They cut her with a razor.

And show him your side, too.

Cut her there, too. That's why she can't work.

All right, just listen to me. Lucy's not gonna pay you any more money.

-The two of you made an agreement. -How's she supposed

-to take care of herself? -Shut up.

Now, you can get an honest job, or not,

you can clean up, or not, but she's not paying you

any more shakedown money so she can take care of your kid!

It seems to me that we ought to hear from your friend.

-Hey! You're gonna hear it from me, okay? -Joe!

-Take it easy! -You're hearing it from both of us.

It's over.

Then what you standing around here for?

Let's get out of here.

Tell me the truth, Renko.

You think I look any younger without my mustache?

I cannot think about that right now.

-(tires squeal) -Whoa. Sure seems top-heavy.

Yeah, well, I'm feeling kind of bottom-heavy.

Do you think you could pull this unit over, please?

-What? -Pull it over, Robert.

-Wait a minute. What's the matter? -I'm telling you, brother,

Mother Nature is calling me, and she's calling me with a bullhorn.

-Now pull it over! -(laughs) See, I warned you

about bran muffins in the morning.

RENKO: Daryl Ann, how can you do this to the man you love?

HILL: Happens every time.

Oh. Sir, I don't know how to say this to you,

but if you're here on an optional visit, I am here on a command performance.

(knocking) Sir, uh, if you're having a problem getting started,

maybe, um, I'll give you $2 here.

I just need a second, but I need it now.

I need it now.

Sir, I am a police officer,

and you at least owe me the courtesy of answering me.

Alright, I have no choice but to bust in there.

Oh, Lord. This man has expired.

Sir...

I hate to treat your moment of demise like this...

I really do.

But I have to do my duty as I see fit.

(panting)

(clears throat) Now, anything iffy, remember,

you say, "To the best of my knowledge and recollection."

That way, they don't nail you for perjury.

90 seconds to air. Scherholtz vs. Schipp.

Yo.

Okay, now, wait until your case is introduced,

then move as quickly as you can to your position on the set.

Don't look at the camera.

-Johnny-One-Note. -Excuse me.

Do we have to sit next to this man?

He has threatened my dog's life.

Well, as soon as the people move onto the set,

there will be plenty of room.

I was wondering, since my witness couldn't come,

is it fair for him to have his?

-Please, Miss Schipp. -That ain't how it works, Miss Schipp.

Sir, here. Could you please put this on?

What's that for?

That's so your tie doesn't blind 50,000 people.

Blue? (scoffs)

You got no shot, pal.

All right, let it go.

45 seconds.

-Hey, don't I know you? -No.

Ah, Jerry Weatherspoon, right?

You used to work over at appellate with, uh, Judge Greenburg?

I don't think so.

Wait a minute. Something's all coming back to me now.

I see some kind of show and tell at the court lavatory?

-That was never proved! -Excuse me, Jerry.

-Your Honor. -Does the judge know about this, Jer?

Give me a break, will ya? I got a nice gig here.

(chuckles) Come on, Les.

(laughing)

Cue the intro.

MAN: For the next hour, your living room

becomes the courtroom of Harold Pyle.

Here, in a forum alternative to the legal system,

but obeying its rules and procedures,

real people come before a distinguished retired jurist

to seek settlement of real disputes.

Based on Judge Pyle's findings,

successful litigants receive appropriate cash awards.

For the next 60 minutes,

you are going to see the law in action.

These are not actors.

20% for me.

These mikes are on.

Get ready. Go.

Go. Go!

Hey, get your hands off of me.

Don't look at the camera.

MAN: ...when you've exhausted your other remedies,

you should demand to "Tell it to the Judge."

First on Judge Pyle's docket,

the case of a distracted driver.

No wallet, no I.D., no visible marks.

Probably a coronary.

Briefcase hooked to his wrist. He must be some kind of courier.

If he was a legit courier, he'd have I.D. This guy's wrong.

We'll write this up, guys.

I'm not real impressed with that new unit of ours.

Let's go.

J.D., I think maybe one of them keys might open that briefcase.

That right, Andy? One of these?

Yeah. Little one might open it up.

No kidding?

RENKO: Yeah, and if you open it up, I think you might find

that it contains a great deal of money.

Whoo! (chuckles)

You, uh, you psychic, Renko,

or did you break into the evidence?

Looks like you were busy before you came out and got me, Renko.

All right, now, just wait a minute. Listen to me right now.

Now, every once in a while, a person has to exercise individual initiative.

If you look at that piece of paper there, you're gonna find

that it has a phone number that might be the contact number for this, uh--

Is this a fixed bet, Renko? You already call this number?

-No, I did not. -Uh-huh.

Hey, J.D., you know the rules, man.

You know you gotta wait for the coroner's inventory.

Hey, Renko's got a point. Okay, this could be big.

What hurt is there in dialing a random number?

Yeah. Who's this?

Who am I?

I'm sitting here in Topping's diner.

I've been sitting here half the morning, is who I am.

No, I'm not waiting here. No way.

How about, uh, 1:00 p.m.?

Philly's. Philly's Steak and Hoagie.

You gonna bring the stuff?

Well, obviously, it's too big to bring inside.

Right. All right.

I'm gonna wait five minutes.

Nobody shows, I'm gone and school's out.

They're on. We're in for the buy.

What are they selling?

I don't know, it's just too big to bring into Philly's.

Lieutenant Renko. Detective Renko.

Convict Renko.

I can't make it make sense to you, Joe.

I guess I was afraid that if it went into court,

they'd say I didn't deserve Fabian.

Hey, I told you it didn't make sense.

Now I try and explain it to you, and you call me crazy.

-I'm not calling you crazy. -You're sitting there shaking your head.

Yeah, because I think it's really sad

that you don't feel like you have the right to be happy.

-Where'd you get that? -And you do deserve it, Luce.

And you don't have to go skunking around, being afraid that jerks like that

are gonna come along and take it away from you.

I filled out all the guardian papers, but I just never--

Let's go file them.

-They're at home, at the apartment. -Yeah, we'll go get them.

2203 on personal time.

WOMAN (on radio): 2203, copy.

Come here.

Thanks, Joe.

It's no problem.

(engine turns over)

See, how about something like this?

This is nice. 12 carats, nickel backing.

It says "Carla." Her name's Fenise.

Any engraver can change that.

Where's Gupta at?

-Can she try it on? -Sure.

GUPTA: I told you-- no deliveries after 3:00.

Well, the security guard says he wants $500 to open the door for us, Mr. Gupta.

No way.

Then forget it. You ain't getting no delivery, man.

Mike? Ring up $250 for my friend.

-No, the guard says $500. -He'll take $250.

-(buzzer sounds) -Ring it up under "sale"?

Do I tell you "ring it up under sale"?

Do what I tell you, Mike.

MICK: $250.

$250.

I ain't guaranteeing he's gonna take this, man.

Then you ain't gonna get your taste, either.

So, sell him on a 2 1/2.

-How's it coming here? -It's coming very good, Mr. Gupta.

-(buzzer) -She's gonna need one more looser.

Mike is gonna find the right bracelet for you.

-I'll be in the back. -Okay.

Can I help you?

Excuse me a minute.

What are you doing here, Mrs. Mies?

(whispering) You never called me.

Come here a minute.

Arrest that man right now.

He stole my items.

I'll testify to it in court.

I know you will. But see, we gotta get him on few other things, too.

Will you trust me?

Will you go home?

Beca-- It's very dangerous in here.

That's why I'm whispering.

I'm gonna call you as soon as we get anything.

-When? -Very soon, dear, okay?

Now I gotta go back and sell some bracelets.

-Good-bye. -Okay.

-(buzzer sounds) -Bye.

Hmm.

A: you shouldn't have opened the briefcase prior to the M.E.'s arrival.

B: you're asking me

to authorize the use of evidence as buy money.

That okay is supposed to come from Division.

The window on this stays open another 45 minutes, Lieutenant.

I don't meet those guys at that hoagie place by then,

it's sayonara to the whole deal.

When's the last time Division's planned anything in 45 minutes?

If I okay, I'm complicit in the violation.

Hell of a get-well card for the captain.

40 grand in contraband, wrong guys on both ends of the deal.

Do it. Inventory and requisition the contents.

Right.

Promotions all around.

-Bobby, you and Andy on backup. -Got it.

-Plainclothes? -Yes.

Good.

Lieutenant, Sal Binachi, line two.

Thanks.

-Sarge. -What?

Luce and I are gonna take a couple extra hours.

What's going on today? You two eloping?

How'd you know? We're gonna go buy some rings.

So, "I left the applications at home, Joe."

I knew they were at home or in my locker, one or the other.

And, Your Honor, I just wanna say one thing.

Ever since the accident, I keep having nightmares.

JUDGE: I have now heard from the plaintiff in this case.

Mr. Scherholtz, I understand you brought a witness?

-My uncle was with me. -Can we have the witness, please?

Now comes Lieutenant Norman Buntz of metro police.

Lieutenant Buntz is the uncle of the plaintiff.

The judge has ruled on the admissibility of the following evidence.

Lieutenant, would you tell us what happened

on the night in question?

Oh, sure thing. Uh?

Where? Here?

Over here? Yeah.

Lester and I were returning from the Haufbrau House,

on account of they do a nice thing there for pre-Lent.

I had one beer, maybe, total.

That's right. That's correct. One beer.

So, we were proceeding northbound up Portland.

And then, well, basically, Les couldn't see it, of course,

because he was paying attention to his driving.

The defendant, Miss Schipp over there, comes flying at us,

no horns, no brakes. Boom!

A rear-ender, and we go dribbling out into the intersection.

In other words, Miss Schipp seemed to be failing to pay attention.

-Oh, yeah. -I was paying attention!

His taillights weren't working.

My taillights were working fine, Your Honor.

-The police said they weren't. -Sure, after the accident,

after she smashed them.

My fiancé, Roger, saw it. It's in his statement.

Your fiancé saw what, Miss Schipp?

Judge, that statement from the fiancé's a crock.

-JUDGE: All right, Lieutenant. -(bangs gavel)

Lieutenant, on what basis are you impeaching

the supporting affidavit of Miss Schipp's fiancé?

On the basis, at the time of the accident,

the defendant's fiancé's head was not visible in the other vehicle.

And in my opinion, at said time,

he probably was engaged in some unnatural sex act.

-(bangs gavel) -Cut. Cut!

-Unnatural sex act? -Yeah.

That's why his statement's a pile of bull.

He couldn't see nothing from his angle.

MAN: "Unnatural sex act"? Are you crazy?

This is an afternoon show.

Well, great. That don't make what he was doing natural.

My mother is going to hear this?

My mom is gonna hear what he just said?

-Five minutes, Your Honor. -JUDGE: Five.

-Lieutenant. -Yeah?

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

So, how's the patient?

Well, I was thinking of going in for a half day this afternoon.

Thank God I'm not talking from experience, Frank.

-That sounds like pushing it. -I'll take it easy.

Hell of a streaky thing, isn't it, Frank?

-What? -Life.

I mean, now that you've survived, it's pretty obvious

this whole shooting business has only strengthened your hand

in terms of career choices.

I guess I'm on a roll.

Whereas my own options keep narrowing.

-Whoo. -Oh, coffee a little too strong?

No, no. It's good. It's fine. Actually, I think I'll try a little milk.

Here, I'll get it.

The Crime Institute...

Their search committee has decided to hold off

on recommending me for that consultancy.

They think I still have exposure on this Keenan mess.

That could throw quite a monkey wrench into a lot of people's future plans...

not least your own.

What's on your mind, Chief?

You were the chief inquisitor on Keenan.

Those are the findings the search committee's uneasy about.

I'm not gonna recant.

There's no one ringing a bell, Frank, I understand that.

But a letter of explanation, for their eyes only.

Frank, I'm looking for a place to fall.

I'll detail the panel's findings, and I'll give you the letter.

You decide whether to send it.

I hope you remember there are ways and ways of saying the same thing.

No preconditions, Chief.

No preconditions. Agreed.

So, you're thinking about going in later on?

If I feel up to it.

Well, uh, don't push it, Frank.

-Easy does it. -I'll take it easy.

How you doing? I'm De Petrus.

I'm bored. How about we just do it?

All right, we can walk. It's not far.

Hey.

He comes or I go home.

So you like company. No problem.

You know, if this goes good, maybe we get regular.

So far, I got nothing, huh?

What happened this morning, I'm not at fault, you're not at fault--

Yeah, yeah, it's a no-fault state.

Neal, make sure that door don't close.

Yeah, sure. Man the doors, Neal.

Even got you a truck, and the rental's on me.

Yeah, right.

Here's the menu.

There is the main course.

Ooh, uh...

You, uh, set a nice table, Mr. De Petrus.

Freeze-- Federal Bureau of Investigation!

You're under arrest!

Hold it right there!

Hey, come on. Just be cool.

Okay, out.

Please, uh, don't shoot.

-You guys are Feds? -You're making a mistake here.

-Shut up! We'll do the talking. -Who are you?

-These guys are city cops, sir. -We all are.

-I don't believe this. -All right, men, back off.

You have destroyed a carefully orchestrated

and costly federal investigation.

Hey, you just did the same thing to us.

-Hey, J.D. -The hell with it.

He wants to get into name-calling.

Now, we got months involved with this.

-Hey, come on. -Look, it seems obvious

that you must've taken that briefcase from Muammar's courier.

-Could be. -Just please tell me

that the man is still in your custody.

-We don't work like that. -You released him?

I don't need him. I know where he is, I know what he's doing.

He picks his nose, I'm the first to hear about it.

-I want Muammar. -So do I.

Only I'm close, you're not.

Now, uh, I could be open to something.

The man is an arms supplier for international terrorists.

What conceivable reasons could you have for investigating him?

Sure. You Feds, you got the corner on major crime, huh?

Well, the hell with this. You're so sharp, you find him.

Look, if Muammar could be remanded to my custody

within, say, eight hours, I'd be impressed.

Impressed.

I don't know what that means.

Well, for one thing, you wouldn't have to consider

a midlife career change.

He's yours.

Look, you're not going to say "unnatural sex", period!

Come on, I thought you people wanted the truth.

Lieutenant, isn't it correct

you couldn't actually see in Ms. Schipp's car below window level?

I mean, her fiancé could just as easily

have been fixing the Velcro on the vehicle's floor mats.

-Are you kidding me? -No, I'm not kidding you.

Your prior speculation is inadmissible. Strike it.

That's right. Strike it. Strike it and edit it.

Your intent is to impeach Ms. Schipp's passenger as a witness.

Now, why don't you just simply say that you didn't see him,

and therefore he couldn't have seen you,

-and get on with the testimony? -All right.

All right. We're rolling, everybody.

Action.

You say Ms. Schipp's passenger is an unreliable witness

to the accident's circumstances, Lieutenant, how so?

How so?

He was bent over in the front seat.

Heaven only knows what he was doing down there.

Right, Captain, I wouldn't push it.

No, sure, I'll have that on your desk by 3:00.

Okay, then, we might see you later then, huh?

-Here's your keys, Lieutenant. -It's fine.

So, I'll give you my guesstimate.

That's a two, three-day job, easy.

-How much? -2,200, 2,500, something like that.

Don't hold me to it.

Don't hold you to it? Is that your estimate or what?

Once I start rooting around, who knows where that goes?

-Great. -I don't know who you had up there

fooling around, Lieutenant, but if you want my opinion,

someone tried to move that fixture with a crowbar.

Previous tenant.

Whoever, they screwed it up real good.

I do not know why in the world

you had to come on so strong to that FBI guy, J.D.

How about I was trying to save our jobs, Renko,

buy us a little time?

How are we gonna find

-what's his name? -Muammar.

What do you expect me to do, Andy, huh, roll over and die?

-Uh-oh. Bad news. -What?

Leave the force now, you kiss your pension contributions adios.

No vesting.

I am telling you right now. We cannot and will not be fired.

As your PBA rep, I say suspension's possible,

demotion's probable, but being fired is highly unlikely.

-Gentlemen. -Hey, Sidney.

Sid. Sid! Sid!

Do you, uh, know any Arab gun dealers?

No, but I do know a tube steak

who's trying to pass himself off as an Arab gun dealer.

-You do? -Yeah. His name is Larry.

He's a third-rate counterfeiter.

I tried to interest Norman in him this morning,

but he was too involved with his television career.

Sid, you are beautiful.

-From certain angles. -Come here.

Francie.

Hey, take it easy.

Yeah. Okay, that's everything.

-WOMAN: You're missing a blue form. -The blue?

-Oh, yeah. -I'm sorry.

-I can't take this without the blue form. -I'll just bring the blue form in.

-I have everything else. -No, it has to all be together. I'm sorry.

LUCY: Well, let me just leave this here now with you and--

I can't take care of this, ma'am. You'll have to bring it altogether.

-I'll bring it back later. -Wait, what's wrong? What's the matter?

I don't have the blue forms. I guess I left them in my locker.

You're such a jerk.

I forgot, okay, Joe? I forgot.

Can she mail them in?

Regulations require all applications must be presented

in a completed form.

Okay. So I'll come back on Monday--

Wait a minute, wait a minute. She has everything else, right?

(inhales) How long does it take for these papers

to get to Social Services once they leave here?

What do you mean how long?

Well, I mean, it takes time to process them, right?

I mean, you're not gonna send them over this afternoon.

On average, ten working days.

Well, couldn't you start processing the application?

And we'll mail the document in.

I explained to you, I can't do that, sir.

Miss, I wouldn't ask you to do this if it wasn't really important.

For another thing, mail applications are received at another office.

No problem. Look, we'll address the envelope

and make it special attention to you.

I'm a city employee, too, and I can get mail at the precinct

if I give them my badge number.

She'll have to address it to Mrs. Johnson,

municipal employee number 735.

You are an angel, Mrs. Johnson.

LUCY: Thank you.

And she got to get it here by no later than Tuesday.

Tuesday.

You are official now.

Oh, wait a minute. Gotta pay the cashier.

Window nine.

Thank you.

(indistinct conversations)

WOMAN: I've been waiting in this line for almost an hour.

Fellas, you're gonna make me nauseous.

-Are you sure about this guy? -Detective,

Muammar is Larry Buckhalter.

No way his pitch to those FBI guys was real?

-No! -He has no Middle East arms contact?

Larry ran scam junkets to the Holy Land.

He probably picked up a little Arabic.

Fellas, he was showing these guys counterfeit paper.

He was gonna sell any pieces he bought on the street.

Listen to me, haircut, our entire careers are riding on this,

-so you'd better be right. -Oh, yeah. Like we got a choice.

Let's go talk to Muammar.

-The guy's living here? -Yeah.

I guess he moved out of his car when he struck it rich.

-You want us to go with you? -No, we can handle it.

Listen, don't underestimate this guy.

We should be so lucky.

(knocking)

Yo! Larry, baby! Are you in there, man?

-Police! -Hey, there he goes!

-Where? -Behind the boxes!

-Come here! -Hey, man, what is this?

-Hey. -You tell us, Muammar.

Muammar? Come on!

Hey, see that?

That's what we said, Muammar.

Kind of weird for a street punk named Larry.

But, see, De Petrus keeps saying he's buying guns from you--

whole shipments of illegal arms from Muammar,

A.K.A. pack rat, counterfeiter, scam artist--

-What scam? Name it. -Look, my man.

You have heaved enough crap our way already.

You referring to my merchandise?

-What'd you do, steal it? -I bought it, man.

With that funny money you've been running off?

-That the deal, Larry? -Deal? Deal? Deal?

You want to know all about the deal. I'll tell you all about the deal.

Only it ain't my deal. I didn't have nothing to do--

-Hey, calm down, man. -Jimmy G.'s the one who had the deal.

He was the one who had the place. It was his place. That's whose deal it was.

Only Jimmy G. is gone, man. He's gone upstate--

-Slow. You slow down. -Ben, hundreds

and I used to help him run them off every now and then.

And that's all I did! Honest to God.

Only when he went upstate, man, I run off a couple loads.

-That was my mistake. -That was one of them.

Come on.

(speaking Arabic)

That's Arabic.

Yeah, I picked it up from this Muslim dude

that I was celled with over on Michigan Avenue.

Some you can't get talking. This one you can't shut up.

(shouting in Arabic)

And that means that I am of royal blood

-and I have made my pilgrimage to Mecca. -Can you believe they went for this guy?

Yeah, one thing I've got to say, when I'm out here hustlin',

I am believable.

-You guys see the problem, don't you? -Yeah, he's crazy.

-Let the feds worry about it. -Feds? What Feds?

-They bought him before? -God knows how.

What are you guys talking about?

Trouble is, if they realize we slipped them a hummer,

they're gonna hold us responsible. That's how the Feds operate.

If they take a fall, they're not taking it alone, they'll drag us down with them.

Hey, what are you guys, the Feds set me up, man?

-What are we gonna do? -I don't know. We're in the soup.

You? What about me?

Rolling. Homestretch, folks.

-Judge Pyle's returned with his verdict. -BAILIFF: All rise.

-What do you think? -Spend the money.

A finding in this case depends on assessing the likely veracity

of the competing versions of the incidents.

We have heard allegations that the defendant, Miss Schipp,

was inattentive.

We've also heard that Mr. Scherholtz had been drinking

and that his taillights were not functioning.

While this is a close call,

the court finds a likely preponderance of merit

in the contentions of the defendant, Naomi Schipp.

Are you freaking kidding? This is a joke here.

This is ridiculous.

No, first of all, you don't let the people say what really happened,

and then you kangaroo through the verdict.

Why don't you subpoena the carpet muncher?

Could you keep your mouth shut long enough for him to say "next case"?

JUDGE: Next case-- -MAN: Cut!

Did she promise you some turn on the floor mats with her, huh?

You're about to blow your appearance fee, my friend.

Which one of these creeps are you related to?

We have a finish, folks. We have corridor follow-up.

Oh, jeez, I can't wait.

Not you. You are finished.

Great job, Lieutenant.

Oh, yeah, please, crack wise with me, Jerry,

huh, because it's gonna take a whole lot for me to clean your clock, right?

-(rattling) -I don't know what that is.

Now, maybe that's those 17 jewels rattling around in there.

Jump to it with the piece, man.

A Rolex ain't indestructible.

Junk, six bucks.

This is a $1,200 watch in a fine jewelry store.

Gupta in the back? Tell him I got the rest of his parcels

on the truck and I'm bringing them in.

-(siren wailing) -Give me the $6, man.

-(buzzer sounds) -$6.

-You skip the receipt. -(buzzer sounds)

Do I pay you to mind other people's business, Mike?

No, I was just seeing where you wanted the popcorn makers.

-We're closed! -Put your hands up.

What are you doing?

Don't argue with the old broad. Just do like she says.

You, I want that toaster oven. The one on the second shelf.

-Put the gun down, lady. -The hell I will.

MICK: Put the gun down!

Are you trying to get us killed?

(buzzer sounds)

(shot)

I'm a police officer! You're under arrest!

Get down on the floor. Move!

Hands behind your head!

We captured him.

Here's the unsuccessful plaintiff.

Excuse me, sir, could we have your reaction to Judge Pyle's verdict?

(scoffs) Naturally, I thought it should have gone the other way.

Guess I have to admit the defendant's prettier than I am.

Possibly we haven't seen our last motion for the case yet.

Oh, you know, you're a real moron. You get just what you deserve.

Cut!

-Will you shut your damn mouth? -How about I shut your eyes?

Get security, please!

Hey, forget it, pal. Don't worry.

We're out of here. Come on.

-Where do we go to pick up your dough? -They said they'd mail it to me.

Yeah. Hey, I, uh, I don't know if I helped you, kid.

MAN: How do you explain

that nothing in Division files even remotely suggests

that your people are involved in investigation of this arms dealer?

Not everything goes through Division, Mr. Saunders.

Are you telling me the investigation is being carried out under your direction?

For the man responsible, you seem totally uninformed.

I won't comment on the actions of my officers

-until I've heard their explanation. -And when is that gonna be?

Soon.

Hey. Where you been?

Mailed the form. Mailbox out front has an early pickup.

-All right. -Want me to bring anything by

-for the game tonight? -Money, just money, pal.

I gotta go get some beer. You want to come with me?

Yeah.

Hey, Joe...

thanks for everything.

How's that new unit been treating you?

Uh, got kind of detoured today, Sarge. Couldn't make a real good impression.

It's gotta be better than those rattle traps we got on the road now.

It did seem to be a little top-heavy.

We gotta have the report in by tomorrow.

Okay. We'll turn it in tomorrow.

If we still have a job by tomorrow.

-Lieutenant, Agent Saunders. -Where is he?

You mean, uh, Muammar?

That's who he means, Detective.

You want Muammar, we could probably get him for you sometime tonight.

You know, he usually sleeps in his car around Dekker and 138.

Of course, with all our heat coming down after the guy he hired

to make the pass at you croaked, he's gonna lay low for a while.

But if you really, really want, we could probably drum him up for you.

What do you mean he sleeps in his car?

Muammar is a low-rent scam artist, Agent Saunders.

-Folks call him Larry. -Check his sheet.

J.D.: Neal, what's low-rent about a loitering beef?

How about "failure to produce satisfactory I.D."?

I guess he produced enough satisfactory I.D.

for Agent Saunders here to believe

he was gonna buy a bunch of weapons.

If I was you, Agent Saunders, I could see a serious argument

for writing this one up "subject escaped,"

but you make the call.

(indistinct chatter)

(telephone rings)

-(whistles) -Worked.

We don't know that, J.D. We don't know what he's gonna do.

And do you know what would have happened if he had written this up?

Well, sir, I don't think he's gonna do that.

I'd say it's 80% certain he'll do nothing.

80%. 80% is not that good.

I've lived with worse.

-First name? -Jawarhalal.

Hey.

Mrs. Mies to see you again.

Sit, barf breath!

What?

I would like my items back.

You want your items back?

Lady, you're lucky I don't arrest you for armed robbery.

I'm sorry, but you were too slow.

I was slow?

You know, it took me four days to set that bust up,

and I didn't get a seller, I didn't get a felony.

I didn't even get a TV set. Know what I got?

I got seven cases of popcorn poppers

and you, a person who knows nothing about police work!

What do I have to know?

I get robbed, and you cops do nothing!

I may not have that long.

Do you realize that, sonny? You don't know my condition.

And the one little pleasure I give myself is toasted cheese in the morning.

You can't use your broiler?

It catches fire under the broiler.

Do you want me to burn up, too?

Take this to the cop who's doing the inventory.

He will release your toaster oven.

Thank you.

Now, what about my gun?

Bye-bye, Mr. Mies.

(whispers) Thank you.

Spell "Jawarhararrarrrrle."

Make it "Jerry."

-Hey, Sarge. -What?

Never mind.

Uh, Norm, now that you've made your network debut,

I figure you're in a magnanimous mood.

I bet you're dying to give me back my torn currency.

-You figure wrong. -Hey, wait! Wait!

Norm, while you were out "Going Hollywood,"

I was providing Detectives LaRue and Washington

with invaluable information.

Don't tell me, you solved the Marilyn Monroe case?

It's okay, Norm. The man's rating's triple-A right now.

-Yeah? Who'd he give you? -Nobody.

Nobody? (whistles)

I must be going deaf.

I could have sworn I heard the exotic name Muammar

pass from my lips to your ears.

I also distinctly recall a happy smile of relief on your face.

Sid, it gives me great pleasure to award you a check

in the amount of the big triple-zero. Now get lost.

But Sid's non-information led to a nonarrest,

which really put us on the map with the FBI.

Now, Sidney, here's $50.

Keep up the good work, and keep your mouth shut.

This usually wakes me up.

Am I hearing this right--

we got no bust at all, and you're paying that off?

What we got here is a potential bust.

We're probably gonna nail Muammar tomorrow for passing funny money.

(sighs) Look, I'm doing this as a professional courtesy,

but I think we're establishing a dangerous precedent there.

Thank you. I'm going home to take a nap.

When I wake up, I bet I'm back in Kansas.

You ain't gonna believe this, even if you understand it.

When I was single, I had a scroungy kind of a place.

Ol' Joe Coffey, he's got like a roach hotel up there.

Plus Mr. Home Beautiful has only two usable chairs.

Come on, two? I was there last week, and I'm sure he had three.

Yeah, well, he broke the third one

trying to hit this rat who ran away with his service revolver.

Hey, don't be so hard on Joe. He serves a nice stew.

-What do you think happened to the rat? -You guys are terrible.

Andy, you're gonna bring the chips and the pretzels?

-Yes, Sarge. See you in a couple hours. -I'm reimbursing everybody for eats.

You announced that three or four times back at roll call.

Got another nickel there, ma'am?

How much more?

-Just five cents. -Look, they don't have any Garcia Vegas.

-I'm gonna try across the street. -Okay. Yeah, yeah.

MAN: Hey! Wait up!

MAN 2: Get it moving, man!

(traffic noises)

How you doing?

Do you have any Garcia Vegas?

No. Unh-unh.

I think you got some back...

(shot)

(gunshot)

(glass shatters)

(suspenseful music plays)

Joe, where are you? I think I heard gunshots.

Something happened in the smoke shop.

-This thing? -Over there, yeah.

Joe, are you in the smoke shop?

Give me your position.

Possible gunfire in the smoke shop.

Officer shot. Officer down. This is Bates. I can't get a pulse.

WOMAN (on radio): What's your 10-20, 2203?

I'm at a smoke shop.

Al's Smoke Shop, Van Buren.

It's on Van Buren.

(whispering)

(inhales, exhales)

(whispers)

(screams)

(grunts)

(panting)

Jesus.

(melancholic music playing)

How long they gonna let him lie there?

Luce, we gotta get everything we can.

Captain.

(helicopter whirring)

(emotional music playing)

(sirens wailing)

(indistinct conversations)

(theme music playing)