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1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:08,216
(grand music playing)
2
00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:11,177
(commotion)
3
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:14,305
(indistinct chatter)
4
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:18,184
I'm here live outside
of Santa's mansion,
5
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,311
where he and The Board
have been meeting all day
6
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,398
on the decision for who
will be the next Successor.
7
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:24,941
Recent polls show
Candy Smalls
8
00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:26,901
has a commanding
lead over her rivals,
9
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,028
despite initial
concerns that
the public
10
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,613
would reject
a female Santa.
11
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,324
Now, as soon as
that Christmas tree
behind me lights up,
12
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,785
the choice for Successor
will have been made.
13
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,164
Candy Smalls is
the worst boss ever!
14
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,707
She forced me to do
horrible things,
15
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,292
and then fired me
when I wouldn't.
16
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:45,628
Breaking news!
Are you referring
to coerced sexual acts?
17
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:50,717
Ew, no!
She made me work even
when I was hungover.
18
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,427
(cheers and applause)
19
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,553
Mazel Tov!
20
00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:55,513
There is a new Successor, folks.
21
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,600
And keeping with tradition,
in exactly 30 minutes,
22
00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:01,019
Santa will announce
who will be the next
23
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:02,896
face of Christmas!
24
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:07,609
T-minus 30 until
a vagina finally
sits in the red suit!
25
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,778
Or another penis.
Who knows?
26
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,613
Everybody, drink up!
27
00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:13,031
(cheering)
28
00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:15,200
Ha, ha.
29
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:17,786
I have a really good
feeling about tonight.
30
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:21,289
(joyful music playing)
31
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,296
♪ ♪
32
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,888
I'm Jonathan Silverbell,
and we are 28 minutes away
33
00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:38,556
from this historic moment.
34
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,141
Any thoughts on Candy Smalls?
35
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:44,020
This "Candy-monium" may be
"inspiring" and "cute,"
36
00:01:44,103 --> 00:01:45,146
but it's unearned.
37
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,689
Santas have always been male.
38
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,276
For the same reason there
have only been male explorers
39
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,363
or U.S. Presidents
or serial killers.
40
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:57,784
I think Timmy the Toy Guy would
make a much more solid choice.
41
00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,036
But not from
a psychological standpoint.
42
00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:02,205
For Santa, every chimney jump
43
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:06,167
is a trip down
the vaginal canal, a re-birth.
44
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,127
Since Timmy was
a C-section baby,
45
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:09,420
this is irrelevant to him.
46
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:12,006
Are you all crazy?
Timmy's a fucking Neo-Nazi!
47
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,175
And I know I call
a lot of people that,
48
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,552
but he really is.
49
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:19,764
Keep the rumors
in your annex, Anne Frank.
50
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:23,059
Oh my!
You have to watch
this, Nick.
51
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,102
Look at that crowd.
52
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,603
It's like
I'm headlining Coachella!
53
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:26,855
It's exciting.
54
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,566
The announcement
of the first female Santa.
55
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,818
I assume you're
picking Candy, right?
56
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:34,237
You know I'm sworn
to secrecy but trust me,
57
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,073
I'm makin'
the right choice,
a solid choice.
58
00:02:37,156 --> 00:02:40,076
C'mon, just tell me
it's Candy so I can relax.
59
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:42,579
I know how to get
it out of you.
60
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,289
Yes, I do.
61
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,041
(laughs)
Oh-ho, I can't tell!
62
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,418
I took an oath!
(laughs)
63
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:51,462
It's serious business
even though I'm laughing!
64
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,464
Fucking stop!
I don't like it. Stop.
65
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:58,469
When you chose Brent,
I was in on every moment
of that decision.
66
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,847
Oh yes, that's when
I was a partner,
67
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,765
and not just
some idiot wife.
68
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:06,227
Honestly, I don't have
the energy for this
fuckin' shit, dude, okay?
69
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:09,439
Tonight's clutch time.
All I need is support.
Thank you.
70
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,442
Candy Smalls, insiders say
you've got this locked up.
71
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,485
Well, there are
several contenders
72
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,738
here who would make
fantastic Santas.
73
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:19,574
I guess what I'm saying,
Cuthbert, is I'm hopeful,
74
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:22,452
but I'm not measuring
the drapes quite yet.
75
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,287
Measure this, viper!
76
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,247
Hello, eligible men
of the world!
77
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,081
I'm the Mommy.
78
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,333
Uh, no.
Not my Mother.
79
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,585
Just a schizophrenic
drug-addicted rapist.
80
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,921
I, I should probably
get her back to prison.
81
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,964
Too bad, I was hoping
to interview your
82
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,007
nearest and dearest.
83
00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:38,217
Get the insight
on the real you.
84
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,261
Well, you should talk
to my best friends.
85
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,972
They're, uh, um,
where are they?
86
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,766
We really have
to go to this shit?
87
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,851
Stop asking
me that, yes!
88
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,104
Our best friend
is about to become
the next Santa.
89
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,356
We have to be there.
90
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,524
She just doesn't seem
like my best friend anymore.
91
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,651
Come on. She's busy.
92
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,486
And that allows her
to completely blow us off
93
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,237
after 20 years
of friendship?
94
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,323
We just need to rally
for the bitch.
95
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:04,619
(gasps)
Wow, when I say "bitch,"
I kind of mean "bitch."
96
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,704
That's intense.
C'mon, Craig!
97
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,666
Jemma, keep Fun Size
away from the scissors.
98
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,919
He's obsessed
with them lately.
99
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,213
Larson, uh, polls show
that you're way down
100
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:17,674
because of recent
allegations of infidelity,
101
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,259
sexual harassment,
and statutory rape.
102
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,302
Would you like
to say anything
103
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,346
to the women who feel
betrayed by you?
104
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,389
L-Look, let me be clear.
105
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:26,349
I am a man
who loves women.
106
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:29,435
Like my hot wife,
and hot adult stepdaughters.
107
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,355
But a woman doesn't have
to be hot for me to love her.
108
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:36,317
To me, the sexiest woman who
ever lived is Eleanor Roosevelt.
109
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,319
(retches)
110
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,154
(laughs)
I don't believe any
111
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:42,031
of these insane
allegations.
112
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,367
How could my husband
be such a monster
113
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,661
when he surprised me
with Celine Dion tickets
114
00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:49,831
-for our anniversary?
-And in the mezzanine, too!
115
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,082
Not cheap.
116
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:53,459
Everyone knows
how much I care
117
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,545
about the welfare
of women.
118
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,298
Grandpa Smalls:
Everybody!
This is the big night!
119
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:03,094
But let's not forget
what's truly important:
120
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:06,556
we get 10% of all
winners' bets. Ha-hoo!
121
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:10,184
You can't do that in here.
It's fucking illegal!
122
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,186
(softly):
But let's see
how I'm doing.
123
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,981
Ooh, even odds!
Woo! Yes, bitch!
124
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:17,734
All the retired coal miners
bet on you, even though
125
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,112
I told them you suck,
and you turned your
back on us elves.
126
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,156
Grandpa, just
please calm down.
127
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,158
I have a strategy, trust me.
128
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:29,996
Ooh, a stratège.
Fancy-schmancy.
129
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:31,456
You're ruthless,
Candy.
130
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:32,790
I told you
to be a snake,
131
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,501
and you turned into
a fucking anaconda.
132
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:40,256
Somehow, I suspect you're
all gonna magically love me
again once I'm made Santa.
133
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:42,592
Candy, I know you're
ashamed of me,
134
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,927
but I never, ever thought
the day would come
135
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,929
where I would be
ashamed of you.
136
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,057
You've been ashamed
of me my entire life.
137
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,768
That was just
a motivational
parenting tactic.
138
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,395
This is the first time
I mean it.
139
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,608
(huffs)
140
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,944
-There she is! Candy!
-Woo!
141
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,113
Frat Guys (chanting):
Candy!
142
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,782
Frat Guy 1:
Candy's the man!
143
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,576
Frat Guy 2:
Igma Loo's goes big for Smalls!
144
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,953
(laughs)
Thanks for the love,
everybody!
145
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,622
Candy forever!
146
00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:14,207
Junior:
Tonight is momentous!
147
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:17,794
Like Jesus' resurrection
and the Book of Revelation
rolled up in one.
148
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,504
But if God doesn't
want me to be Successor,
149
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,297
then I will accept
His other gift to me:
150
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,674
being the leader
of His reindeer disciples.
151
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,469
Which is probably way more
important than Santa anyway.
152
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,137
Unless he chooses
me as Successor.
153
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,972
And then, that's the shit!
154
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,432
It's in the
Book of Revelations!
155
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,435
-Congregation: Yes!
-Jesus take me!
156
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,938
(speaking tongues)
157
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:39,065
What the fuck?
Quick, cut to
something else!
158
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,525
The terror you feel?
159
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,485
Multiply that
by a thousand,
160
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:43,861
and that's how women
161
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,656
and BIPOC feel
at every moment.
162
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:49,117
Shit,
that bitch
is pissed.
163
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,829
Yeah, girl!
Millennial the shit
outta that old fuck!
164
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,334
Great, my buds!
You're finally here!
165
00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:00,294
-(customer coughs)
-(customer clears throat)
166
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:02,296
(groans)
167
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,215
Hey, look, you guys,
168
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:06,926
I, I know a lot
has been going on,
169
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:09,637
and I just wanna tell you...
170
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,431
you have impeccable timing.
171
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,433
The HNN reporter
wants to do an interview
172
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,227
with my best friends.
173
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,520
All right,
where'd he go?
174
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,272
Devin:
Babe!
175
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,067
Hold on, wait.
What is this?
176
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,528
Devin and I
are dating.
And fucking.
177
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:29,157
And fingering with
an eye towards anal?
178
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,241
Yes! Score!
179
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:32,493
You guys are together?
Since when?
180
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:33,870
Right after Halloween.
181
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,164
Oh no, Horse Cock is wasted.
182
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,915
He's trying to fuck
the pool table.
183
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,375
(shouts):
That's not a lady, bud!
184
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,252
You've been together
for almost a month,
185
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,545
and you didn't tell me?
186
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,505
I've called you and text you,
187
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:46,841
but I never, ever,
ever heard back.
188
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:49,093
I know,
and I've been meaning to,
189
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,970
but time is just--
it's flying by,
190
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:54,182
and... whatever, if, if
this is what you want,
191
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,809
they hey...
Mazel Tov!
192
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,270
Yay!
Jewish phrases of joy!
193
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:00,688
We're all happy now!
194
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,106
Can we table
this tension
195
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,775
for, maybe, not
the biggest night
of my life?
196
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,445
Here we are live
with Candy Smalls
and her friends.
197
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:10,031
It's been said that
behind every great Santa,
198
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,242
there is an entourage
of close buds.
199
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,535
Here's my crew.
200
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,662
My BFFs since
high school,
201
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:17,914
Goldie and Cookie.
202
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:20,291
Goldie, Cookie,
we know so little
203
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:22,210
about Candy,
the person.
204
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:23,878
Who is Candy Smalls to you?
205
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:27,215
I'm talking real-life
details of who she is.
206
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:30,134
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
207
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,303
(tense music plays)
208
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,013
But even way back when,
209
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:35,765
there was always something
210
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:37,516
different about Candy.
211
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,145
I mean, what girl forces
everyone to watch CSPAN
212
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,105
at her Sweet 16?
213
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,774
It's a little weird, right?
214
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,777
Ugh, why you?!
You're nothing!
215
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,445
Ugh. Let's kill her.
216
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:52,949
Actually, let's kill
her stylist 'cause
her outfit is pure ass.
217
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,451
-Ha ha! Ha ha!
-Snow Angel:
Maybe you heard Santa wrong.
218
00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:57,954
Maybe the next Santa
will actually be you.
219
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,789
Santa's never
taken me seriously!
220
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,207
I thought we
had a special bond,
221
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:02,625
but he just left me
out in the back alley
222
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,252
with my pants
around my ankles!
223
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,255
Like everyone else!
Except you!
224
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,423
I'm being nice.
Why am I yelling?
225
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,841
Thank you
for staying with me!
226
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,468
I am so fucked up!
227
00:09:12,551 --> 00:09:14,136
Aw, thanks, baby.
228
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,638
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
229
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,848
I know who's selling
Santa's beard hair--
230
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,977
Sparky Fontaine:
Jingle Jim! J-Jingle Jim!
231
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,813
-Sparky Fontaine, HNN News.
-Ugh! The press?!
232
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:27,567
Sparky:
Any comments about your chances
of becoming Successor?
233
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,819
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
234
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,738
Jingle Jim says,
"Guzzle my piss!"
235
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,283
Subheader,
He's very dehydrated.
236
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,159
Sparky:
God, it's in
my eye! God!
237
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,911
Don't help me,
keep rolling!
238
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:39,954
(laughs)
239
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:44,709
(cries) I wanted
to be Santa so bad.
240
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,169
Don't worry.
We'll be okay.
241
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,089
You really are an angel.
242
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,842
What would it be like
if your closest friend
243
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:55,761
became the next Santa?
244
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,054
Great, right?
245
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,681
(cries)
I'm afraid
I'll never
246
00:09:58,764 --> 00:09:59,974
see her again.
247
00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,142
And that she'll become an even
248
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,310
bigger asshole than she
249
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,227
already is.
250
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,520
Oh my god.
I love you, too,
251
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:05,646
asshole.
252
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,731
We call each other
asshole.
253
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:07,982
It's an inside joke,
you know?
254
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:10,443
Long history.
The bonds between women.
255
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:12,445
Re-claiming words
and making them our own.
256
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,280
It's kind of
beautiful, you know?
257
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:15,781
It's gorgeous.
Now, Goldie,
258
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,158
has all this attention
259
00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:19,702
changed your
old friend, Candy?
260
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,037
Ah, not sure.
261
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,540
Candy, have you always
been ruthless and cutthroat?
262
00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:28,169
(laughs)
You guys!
Be serious!
263
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,545
Women's friendships.
264
00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:31,630
Our, our chosen families,
so to speak,
265
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:35,217
so, so complicated,
so invaluable, ha, ha.
266
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,803
Oh, I think that's Santa.
I'd recognize that red hat
267
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,139
with the white fuzzy ball
on top from a mile away.
268
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,558
Santa!
Get out of my way!
269
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:44,810
May we speak
privately?
270
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,730
With only eight minutes left
until Santa's announcement,
271
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,816
I'm at the toy factory
where Timmy the Toy Guy
272
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,276
was literally born,
273
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,696
the only child
of a stock boy
and gift wrapper.
274
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,698
Let's see what Timmy's up to.
275
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,910
On this frosty, sacred soil,
276
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,120
in this very toy shop,
277
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,248
my papa asked my mama to have
278
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,794
sexual intercourse
and she consented.
279
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:13,798
And 18 seconds later,
I was conceived.
280
00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:18,135
And here we are today
in the same toy shop.
281
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,180
Another decision to be made.
282
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,724
Timmy, do you
think your chances
at succession
283
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,559
have been impacted
by rumored ties
284
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,269
to the white nationalist
movement?
285
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:30,064
What holiday
are you from,
by the way?
286
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:31,774
-Diwali.
-Di-what-i?
287
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:36,362
-Must be a new one.
-It's 2,500 years old,
older than Christmas.
288
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:39,824
Sounds made up
to me, Four Arms.
289
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:44,370
Mader Chod,
that was weird.
290
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:47,289
Why would you say that shit?
That is a major new outlet.
291
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,791
The whole world
will see it.
292
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,292
So? What we
said is true.
293
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,087
-You pushed us there.
-And you agree
with that, Cookie?
294
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:56,632
I can't answer that
because if I start
to talk, I'll cry.
295
00:11:56,715 --> 00:12:00,219
And it's really hard
to talk and cry
at the same time.
296
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:01,554
You guys, listen,
297
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,140
I understand I've done some
really messed up stuff,
298
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:07,476
but in a few minutes,
I might be named the next Santa.
299
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,770
And I can start
fighting for all of us.
300
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,313
I know it started out that way,
301
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,482
but you're not fighting
for us anymore, okay?
302
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,484
You've become
completely selfish.
303
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,903
I'm sorry, did you
just call me Elf-ish?
304
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,365
Because I will fight you
right now for judging
my people like that.
305
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,658
Let's go! Right now!
306
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:25,661
Stop!
She said selfish.
You're selfish.
307
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,788
Oh, okay.
Well, that's
insulting, too,
308
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,291
but I'm not gonna
fight a jacked
reindeer over it.
309
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,668
But I would take you.
If I had to, I would.
310
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:36,922
-(cries)
-Oh, Cookie, don't cry.
Not tonight.
311
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,382
Not on my special night.
312
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,926
Not on the night
my dreams are
coming true.
313
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:47,391
You are such a--
I can't talk and cry.
314
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,517
Good luck, kids!
315
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,312
You're about to have
the worst Santa ever!
316
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:53,022
The worst Santa?
Oh my god.
317
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,691
What I'm hearing is that you
think I have this in the bag.
318
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:59,320
Woo! Oh, let's go in!
It's almost time!
319
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,865
Okay, fine,
if you will excuse me,
320
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,701
I am going to spend the most
exciting moment in my life
321
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:07,620
with my new best friend,
Horse Cock.
322
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:08,871
We totally get each other.
323
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,373
He loves to read
recovery memoirs, too.
324
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,875
It's fucking beshert!
325
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:13,876
That's "meant to be"
326
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,045
in the language
of my Jewish peeps.
327
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,672
I'm out. Shalom!
328
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,591
Devin:
Candy, I have to show
you something.
329
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:23,802
-Now? But it's almost time to--
-Real fast. You won't be sorry.
330
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,472
Okay, you can look.
331
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:27,973
Oh my god,
oh my god,
oh my god.
332
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,099
(angelic singing)
333
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,727
Devin, this is
so thoughtful.
334
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,605
I'm, I'm seriously moved.
Is my makeup okay?
335
00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:37,608
Yeah, you're good.
And you'll look
amazing in this.
336
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,818
Red really brings
out your veins.
337
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,403
I'm so happy
for you, Candy.
338
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,030
No one deserves
this more than you.
339
00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:45,032
I'm so happy for us.
340
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:46,992
And, you know, even though
you're still in college,
341
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,911
I have such a great
feeling about you.
342
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:52,665
So, forget about what
I said about years
of training and all that.
343
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:55,709
When you graduate,
you're gonna be
my number two.
344
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:59,004
What do ya think?
Ready to stroll
into history by my side?
345
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,090
Ho-oh! Yes, ma'am!
346
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,841
Crowd in bar:
One minute to go!
347
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:03,884
You ready?
348
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,680
Here we go.
349
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:10,099
All right, here we go.
350
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,935
Again. Fuckin' Brent.
351
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,564
Crowd:
15, 14, 13,
352
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:19,942
12, 11, 10,
353
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:24,446
nine, eight, seven, six,
354
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:29,076
five, four, three, two,
355
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:30,035
one!
356
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,579
Wow, this is it.
357
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:35,124
Candace Smalls,
your big moment
has arrived.
358
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,751
People of the North Pole,
359
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,254
or as you are known,
North Pollocks.
360
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,132
Crowd (chanting):
Santa! Santa! Santa!
361
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:47,303
It is with much pride that I
and The Board of Santa Inc.
362
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,680
tell you of our choice
of a new Successor.
363
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,891
But, before I give you the name,
I wanna assure you
364
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,186
that I've chosen not only
the best future Santa,
365
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,981
but an exciting choice,
an innovative choice,
366
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:03,819
and someone who
exemplifies the qualities
the job of Santa requires:
367
00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:08,449
compassion, joy,
devotion to Santa Inc.,
but most of all,
368
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:12,119
an unwavering love of Christmas,
and the belief in its ability
369
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,912
to make the world
a better place,
370
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,540
even if it's just
for one day a year.
371
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:22,171
And now may I announce
the next Santa Claus...
372
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:25,341
(intense music plays)
373
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,262
Devin Johnson!
374
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,181
(crowd gasps)
375
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:34,516
(Santa's voice echoing)
376
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,311
(muffled audio)
377
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:42,358
Who the fuck
is Devin Johnson?
378
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,776
(all gasping)
379
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,361
-(cries)
-(grunts)
380
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,822
We're rich!
381
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,159
(cheering)
382
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,536
(person coughing)
383
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,042
Congratulation--
(clears throat)
384
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,503
Congratulations,
Mr. Successor.
385
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:04,505
-(stomach gurgling)
-Oh!
386
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,258
-(commotion)
-(shutters clicking)
387
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,426
Whoa!
388
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,388
Devin Johnson,
we spoke earlier,
remember?
389
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,723
You know me!
Ugh, fucker!
390
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,725
Devin! Devin!
391
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,311
(toilet flushes)
392
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,649
D-D-Did ya win?
393
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,609
Baby Meatball's
in the manger.
394
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:28,821
Mmm, meatball.
Excuse me, sir?
395
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:31,156
I, I just puked,
so I'm starving.
396
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,409
Oh, oh, c-can we stop
at a drive-through?
397
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:35,411
(crowd shouting)
398
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,623
(horn honking)
399
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,293
Here, this should work.
Take it from me.
400
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,046
I've seen my fair share
of puke-covered suits.
401
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,424
Used to work at a bar
on Wall Street in the '80s.
402
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:51,218
Ah, there's a lot of it.
What did that guy eat?
403
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:53,595
Hey, you don't
have to hold it
in for me, Candy.
404
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,682
I know you're upset.
You can let it all out.
405
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:59,935
Oh, I'm fine. I'm so fine.
It's all good, man.
406
00:17:00,018 --> 00:17:01,645
I mean, I'm,
I'm not fine,
407
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,105
and not all good, no,
408
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,274
but, uh, I don't know,
what am I gonna do?
409
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,985
Cry like a baby because
I didn't get my way?
410
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:11,572
You know?
"Wahhh, I didn't
get to be Santa."
411
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,031
It's just--
It's not productive.
412
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,117
I need to suck it up,
and move on, and--
413
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,285
Oh god!
Please don't gloat.
414
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,786
Please don't say,
"I told you so."
415
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,163
Or steal
my credit cards.
416
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,165
I just-- I'm not strong
enough right now to--
417
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:22,166
You wish.
418
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:24,501
We don't need your
money anymore, ha, ha.
419
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:27,296
Nope. I put all
of my savings on Devin.
420
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,381
He was 10,000-to-one.
I'm worth millions now!
421
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,967
But how could you possibly
know it would be Devin?
422
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:35,137
You mean the fat kid
with the beard?
423
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,306
It was always gonna be him.
424
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,474
You put up a good fight,
425
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,601
but ya can't beat
tradition, baby.
426
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:42,478
That's Christmas.
427
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,606
Ohh! Who's rich?
Cha-cha-cha!
428
00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:48,025
Grandpa's rich!
Cha-cha-cha!
429
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:50,444
Today has been
way too intense.
430
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,529
The holidays are
too stressful.
431
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,448
Girl, they haven't
even started yet.
432
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,450
(sighs)
I hate Christmas.
433
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:59,703
-(phone ringing)
-Ugh, it's Candy again.
434
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,498
She's called me twice.
Maybe we should talk to her.
435
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,501
She must be so miserable.
She wanted this so bad.
436
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,461
I mean, I know she
was a bitch to us,
437
00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:08,837
and said some
fucked-up shit--
438
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,924
And did fucked-up shit!
The girl needs a timeout.
439
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:14,635
Maybe she'll go back to being
the person we used to know.
440
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:17,262
Maybe not. But right now,
I can't deal with her shit.
441
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,849
I guess you're right,
but everything is so stressful.
442
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,684
Oh god!
I'm losing it!
443
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,437
I am this close
to eating my clavicle.
444
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,815
-(line ringing)
-Devin's not picking up.
445
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,275
-Do you think he's ghosting me?
-Where's Craig?
446
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,986
I wanna go home
and watch
Leprechaun's Kitchen.
447
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,822
-Girl: Ahh!
-Is that your babysitter?
448
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:36,573
-Ahh!
-(Fun Size laughs)
449
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:40,118
-Ahh!
-Fun Size! Scissors bad!
450
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:45,749
(yelling)
Oh, man!
451
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:49,586
The best aphrodisiac really is
a sweet dose of schadenfreude.
452
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,464
Now how 'bout you
get back there
and toss my salad a little?
453
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,216
Okay, but do you wanna know
454
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,468
who is selling
Santa's beard hair first?
455
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:58,929
Or do you want me
to toss your salad first?
456
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,890
-Tell me fast, then salad.
-Okay.
457
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,309
(ominous music playing)
458
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:09,648
Pardon me, are you the one
selling Santa's beard hair?
459
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,985
Yeah, how much you want?
460
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,487
(gasps)
461
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,784
Beat it, man.
We're closed.
462
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,746
Oh! Oh, I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry.
463
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,373
I didn't realize
it was you.
464
00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:27,833
I was looking for Candy.
465
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,918
Candy, she left
a while ago.
466
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,795
She was pretty
devastated.
467
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,589
So am I.
I just--
468
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:37,593
How could he-- Gah!
I cannot believe--
469
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,429
I left Santa,
not that he noticed.
470
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:41,471
I didn't know where to go,
471
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,057
and you said I could
always come here
472
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,601
to the Thirsty Deer.
473
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,603
Well, I am glad you're here.
474
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:50,731
Can I, uh, buy you
a drink, Mrs. Claus?
475
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,942
Call me Leonard.
476
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,404
Woo! Sexy... Why?
477
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:01,325
Santa:
Thanks for meeting me.
478
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,786
Santa calls
and I come running.
479
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,246
Story of my life.
480
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:09,416
I know you're pissed,
and I wanted to explain myself.
481
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:14,463
Yeah, mansplain...
S-Sant... Sants-plain...
482
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,298
Nick, Saint Nick-splain--
483
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,467
Whatever! There's,
there's something there.
484
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,844
You really blew me away
these last few months.
485
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,472
You did.
You proved you have
a million qualities
486
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:27,643
that make you
so awesome
for this job.
487
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,311
I knew you were
my next Successor.
488
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:31,813
I had every intention
of choosing you,
489
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,857
but then I saw you
with the kids.
490
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,734
-What kids?
-At the hospital.
491
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,986
You know,
when they all came
in my room to say hi?
492
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,822
That's really when it
became clear to me.
493
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,824
You don't like
being around children,
494
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,118
and they feel
the awkwardness.
They know it.
495
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,787
And they don't like you
as a result of it.
496
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:49,164
-Fine, but that doesn't--
-L-Let me just
get this out, okay?
497
00:20:49,247 --> 00:20:52,876
You can talk all day
about making Christmas
great for the children
498
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,171
who will one day lead the world,
but can you talk to them?
499
00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:58,590
Connect with them?
No. They ran away from you,
500
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,050
and straight to Devin.
501
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,427
So I'm not
warm and cuddly.
Big deal.
502
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,221
I know how to get
the job done.
503
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,682
Warm and cuddly is the job.
504
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:08,684
Don't you see my dilemma?
Yo-You-- (sighs)
505
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,311
You don't understand
the pressure of a man
in my position.
506
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,896
How could I, in good conscience,
507
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,399
choose a Santa who is
not good with kids?
508
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:17,484
-That's something
I could learn.
-Not true.
509
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,778
When it comes to kids,
you either have it or you don't.
510
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:22,781
-Oh.
-But... you're right.
511
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:24,866
You do know how
to get shit done.
512
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,576
Better than anyone.
513
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,871
And Devin isn't anywhere
near ready to be Santa,
514
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:33,083
and that's why you're
going to guide him.
515
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,252
Devin will be
the fun and jolly
face of the company,
516
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:39,172
but you will be
doing the real work,
behind the scenes,
517
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:42,009
making sure Santa Inc.
runs perfectly.
518
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:45,804
And you'll be able
to make all your great
new innovations come true.
519
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,431
Yeah, behind the scenes.
520
00:21:47,514 --> 00:21:49,641
Don't let your ego
get in the way, okay?
521
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,227
It doesn't matter who
actually wears the red suit.
522
00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:55,105
You and Devin will both have
the jobs you were meant to do,
523
00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:57,399
but Santa Inc. will
be a better place
524
00:21:57,482 --> 00:21:58,567
because of you.
525
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,318
This wasn't
an easy decision,
526
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,945
but it's right
and it's final.
527
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:03,697
Do you understand?
528
00:22:11,455 --> 00:22:12,873
Go fuck yourself.
529
00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:18,295
(rock music playing)
530
00:22:24,551 --> 00:22:27,304
♪ ♪
531
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,983
♪ Santa ♪
532
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:47,616
Wait, wha-?
It's, it's Christmas?
533
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:49,576
Christmas can
suck my dick.
534
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,912
(shouts):
We're loaded!
535
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:54,706
Tony, help your
Grandpa over here.
536
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,958
I'm covered in bling.
537
00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:00,295
♪ ♪
538
00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:03,965
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪
539
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:07,344
♪ Aye, Aye ♪
540
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:09,137
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪
541
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:10,889
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪
542
00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:15,310
♪ Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪
543
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:20,774
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪
544
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:22,400
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪
545
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:27,280
♪ Got a secret package
only for you ♪
546
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:32,119
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪
547
00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:34,663
♪ (mumble mumble)
Holly Berry ♪
548
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,833
♪ (mumble mumble)
Yule log ♪
549
00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:40,961
♪ (mumble mumble)
Hickory Farms ♪
550
00:23:41,044 --> 00:23:43,672
♪ Stuff my,
stuff my stocking ♪
551
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:45,340
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪
552
00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:50,303
♪ Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪
553
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,100
♪ Pretty babe,
stuff my stocking ♪
41299
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