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1
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,005
"Happy Birthday, Big Man!
2
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:08,049
"We love you,
Barack and Michelle.
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,718
"In lieu of a gift,
we made a donation
4
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,220
in your name to one
our favorite charities."
5
00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:13,680
Fuckin' lame!
6
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:16,057
What about a donation
and a gift?
7
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,267
Why don't they do that?
8
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,893
You get it, Snowie.
Right?
9
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,729
-Mm-hm.
-Santa: You've always
been there for me.
10
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,981
You know, I shouldn't
be telling anyone this,
11
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,483
but I made a big decision,
and I just need to tell someone,
12
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,277
or... I think
I'm gonna fuckin' puke.
13
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,904
I've finally decided
who to make my Successor.
14
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,614
-It's Candy!
-(cheers)
15
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:32,907
Awesome choice, right?
16
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,534
And the headlines will read,
17
00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:37,036
"Santa chooses
a woman Successor,
18
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,122
and makes history! Again!"
19
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:41,499
Boom!
But I'm gonna sit on it.
20
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,627
Make the Board sweat it out.
Those fuckin' dicks.
21
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,464
Okay, Snowie, see you around--
Well, not around, but, you know,
22
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,632
in here, in the office,
where you live.
23
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,051
I'll see you later. Jesus.
Whatever, you get it.
24
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:52,969
(door closes)
25
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:57,307
-(toilet flushes)
-Oh my shit!
26
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,975
It should be me!
27
00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:00,143
(snow globe shatters)
28
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:03,646
-Whoa!
-(bells jingling)
29
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,399
(joyful music playing)
30
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,321
(coughs)
31
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,286
(Junior cries)
32
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,124
(both laughing)
33
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,544
Yes, teens, it is I.
Assuming you'd like a selfie.
34
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,465
-With Junior?
The washed-up reindeer?
-Ugh, no thanks.
35
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:33,259
We heard you
beat up a woman
just to become Santa?
36
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,886
It was only a golf game!
37
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,930
And I didn't touch
that lyin' dwarf!
38
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:40,266
Ah! Run away!
He's toxic!
39
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,518
Fuckin' fake news.
40
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:44,729
Bitch elf, ruined
my gorgeous reputation.
41
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:48,316
(choir music plays)
42
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,694
You look like you
could use a friend.
43
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,447
And, uh, maybe,
a career-saving makeover?
44
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,533
(burps)
Amen to that.
45
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,701
Candy: So I got rid
of that puss, Junior.
46
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,203
Jingle Jim's a long shot.
47
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:04,040
Larson and Timmy the Toy Guy
are my only real competition.
48
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:06,376
And I am playing this
like a man would, right?
49
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:09,212
You know what I'm talkin' about,
you handsome motherfucker.
50
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,964
(both laughing)
51
00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:14,676
Candy, what a treat.
We never see you anymore.
52
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:17,679
No guilt!
But it has been so long.
53
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,347
I know.
Do I look taller to you?
54
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,182
-Like, I feel taller.
-Maybe.
55
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,518
Do I look any
different to you...
56
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:26,187
like more pregnant?
Hint, hint.
57
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,897
Whoa! What?
You're pregnant?
58
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,733
-That-- What, what
did the doctor say?
-I didn't go to a doctor.
59
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,361
-What did the home
pregnancy test say?
-Did not do one.
60
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:36,573
-But you missed your period?
-No, I know my body,
61
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,075
and it is carrying
Fun Size's sister.
62
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:40,285
Probably named Symone.
63
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,079
Okay, sorry.
I guess I'm wrong.
Congrats.
64
00:02:43,162 --> 00:02:45,582
Thank you!
But don't tell
anyone at work.
65
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:48,126
Larson axes women
when they get pregnant.
66
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:51,337
And he's currently fucking
two factory workers.
67
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,173
-Identical twin sisters.
-Oh, is he?
68
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:56,551
(ominous music plays)
69
00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:58,386
My baby shower is
this Saturday night.
70
00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:00,096
-Don't forget.
-Halloween?!
71
00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:02,473
No, I--
That's Santa's birthday.
72
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,475
I'm the host this year.
It's a huge deal.
73
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,979
Santa's birthday's practically
like a, a North Pole holiday.
74
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,148
(cries)
What is next?
Mother's Day?
75
00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:12,442
Okay, stop.
God, don't cry.
76
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,110
It's fine.
I can do both.
77
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:15,653
I can...
stop by here,
78
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,030
and then
get to his thing.
79
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,115
But I should
get to work
right now, so...
80
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:21,242
Cool!
And you don't have
to get me a present.
81
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,911
But if you do,
make it a gift card
82
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,747
because I don't trust
your taste. Byeee.
83
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:28,833
Timmy the Toy Guy:
I made a gift
for Santa's birthday,
84
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:31,753
and, well...
I wanted your opinion
85
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,088
since you work
so closely together.
86
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,925
Oh god, yeah.
I totally know his taste.
87
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,594
(light music plays)
88
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:44,849
Magnificent.
89
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,559
But doesn't it look
a little like--
90
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,145
A little like what?
91
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:52,148
(ominous music plays)
92
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,067
The perfect gift
for the man
93
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,360
who has everything?
94
00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,321
Bravo, Timmy, bravo!
95
00:03:58,404 --> 00:03:59,739
Okay, so busy.
96
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,491
Tight schedule. Gotta go.
97
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:07,997
(laughs)
We've almost made it, Hans-Otto!
98
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,833
(Jeremy laughs)
99
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,502
Candy:
Seating chart? Done.
100
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,463
Beverages? Done.
Appetizers? Done.
101
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:16,881
All right, get up
and help, bozo.
102
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,591
You're in charge
of ice sculptures.
103
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,677
Sure, everybody
loves ice sculptures,
104
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,553
but if I mush together
a bunch of human babies
105
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,347
for my party,
they'll call me a monster.
106
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,890
You know what? Excuse me,
107
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:29,060
I need to cry
at the inhumanity
displayed here.
108
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,645
Don't follow me!
109
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,021
Whoa! Look at you.
110
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,940
I didn't know it
was Picture Day.
111
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,067
You look
Devin-ishly handsome.
112
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,820
Just tryna step up my game.
113
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,530
I...
114
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,991
have something
to talk to you about,
115
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:46,035
-but I'm really nervous.
-Aw, that's so flattering.
116
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,829
Are you scared
shitless of me, too?
117
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,373
I've always wanted someone
to be scared shitless of me.
118
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,792
-Definitely. Very shitless.
-Yay!
119
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:53,751
Okay, here it goes,
120
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,086
if you're made Successor,
121
00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:57,255
I'd like to be considered
as your Number Two.
122
00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:00,550
I'm not just some college slob.
I want a career here.
123
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,218
Look at this straight talk.
124
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,178
And the ambition? I love it!
125
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,431
Very Candy circa Boxing Day.
126
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,392
And as far as becoming
my Number Two,
with a shit-ton of training,
127
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,978
I can possibly see it
happening in like 15 years,
128
00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:16,482
-but, you know, no promises.
-15 years, but no promises?
129
00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:20,111
Candy, you're making
a boy's dreams come true!
130
00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:23,740
Woo!
131
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,700
You will never go
far in this industry
132
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:27,744
by whirling
your boss around.
133
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:28,870
Writin' that one down.
134
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,121
All right,
let's get to work.
135
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:31,831
I'm planning Santa's party.
136
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,292
Brent always did
a lot of nice toasts,
137
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,044
you know, "We love you...
blah, blah, blah."
138
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,420
I wanna go bigger.
139
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,381
I'm thinking I'd go
more roast than toast.
140
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:41,758
Dudes love that shit!
141
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:45,303
Brutality hidden under
the veil of lighthearted banter?
142
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,971
Yeah! On my 21st,
143
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,973
Horse Cock did
a tight 45 minutes
144
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,600
on how fat my ass was.
145
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,226
I laughed so hard that night...
146
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,312
though I cried myself to sleep.
147
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,897
I'm sure it was unrelated.
148
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,608
Roasts are hilarious,
as long as you have
good material.
149
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:03,446
Oh, do I.
(ominous laugh)
150
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,740
I-I can't stop
eating ham.
151
00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,867
When I was pregnant
with Fun Size,
152
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,619
all I wanted
was Oreos.
153
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,037
Isn't that kinda
cannibalistic?
154
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,955
That'd be like
me eating venison.
155
00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:18,127
Ladies... Goldie.
156
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,296
An invite to Santa's
birthday party?
157
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,465
Candy said it was
for work people only.
158
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,510
It is, but I'm
on a career track
at Santa Inc.,
159
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,678
and was given
a special plus-one
160
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,723
to the North Pole's
biggest event of the year,
161
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,308
besides Christmas,
of course.
162
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,060
And you, m'lady,
163
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,104
are the only one
I want to invite.
164
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:39,357
Oh my god,
that is so sweet.
165
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,025
Sorry, I can't.
166
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,652
That's the night
of Cookie's baby shower.
167
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,488
Oh my god,
that is so sweet.
168
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:48,366
Oh, you can reject me now,
but I'll be back.
169
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:51,035
We dyslexics
don't give up easily.
170
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,332
Oh! Oh! Oh!
171
00:06:56,415 --> 00:07:00,294
Oh-eee! Oh.
172
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,380
Oh, that was great, oh.
173
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:06,175
I'm sorry I screamed
about fuckin' a goblin
before I came.
174
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,260
Don't read into that.
175
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:10,346
Happy 75th birthday, Nick.
176
00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:13,015
Now maybe you'd
like to do oral sex?
177
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,600
Sure, yeah,
I'll take
another Viagra,
178
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,686
and then I'll, uh,
have another erection,
179
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,855
-and then, uh--
-I meant on me.
180
00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,149
What? On my birthday?
181
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:25,903
Yes! Now get under those covers,
and go down on your fucking wife
182
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:30,199
for once since
Biggie killed Tupac!
183
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,868
Jeremy (oh phone):
Oh... (gags)--
184
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,411
Ah, I-- Ugh.
185
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,288
I can't help tonight.
I'm sick.
186
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,832
Yeah, I've got
a fever and chills.
187
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:39,709
Jeremy, I know
you're lying.
188
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:41,419
I can see you
floating by.
189
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:43,379
Now I have to go.
You've made me late.
190
00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:45,548
Jeremy:
The one doing
Molly isn't me!
191
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:46,883
Hey, pass that Molly.
192
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,010
Have fun
at Santa's party.
193
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:51,721
We'll be spending
a quiet night at home.
194
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,390
There's a World War I
doc I'm gonna watch.
195
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,976
I'll always regret
never bein' in a war.
196
00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,936
Legal murder is the shit.
197
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,731
And I'll spend the night
getting ahead on my taxes?
198
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,859
Ha! I knew you
assholes are crashing.
199
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:07,361
Just don't embarrass me
until my roast is over.
200
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,780
This is gonna be Santa's
best birthday party ever.
201
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:12,700
Could you make sure to mention
the retired coal miners?
202
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,786
Exposure to that
fancy crowd will
really help the cause.
203
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,580
Grandpa, no.
Tonight's a celebration.
204
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,707
It's not a time
for depressing
shit like that.
205
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,084
Coal miners' issues are
anything but depressing!
206
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,253
Tony knows.
He's been hangin'
out there lately.
207
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:28,049
(coughing)
208
00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,218
Bein' down there
gave me coal cough.
209
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,221
Well, that's all
she wrote, evil world.
210
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:34,889
See ya!
211
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:37,016
Ahh!
212
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:40,311
-(crash, car alarm beeps)
-(woman screams)
213
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:44,232
Yeah, the coal miners' cause
is not depressing at all.
214
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,816
(softly):
Oh shit.
215
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:46,776
Candy says
216
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,277
she's sorry
she can't come,
217
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,196
but she'll make
it up to you.
218
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:51,447
I'm so sorry, Cook.
219
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,157
To be honest,
I think I used
220
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,619
this shower as an excuse
for us to spend time with her.
221
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,705
You know what?
Go to Santa's birthday
party with Devin.
222
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,040
Really?
You wouldn't care?
223
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:02,166
Oh, I would resent you,
224
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,961
and talk tons of shit
for many years,
225
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,963
but I can't control you...
226
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,798
Kidding! I don't care.
227
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,299
I have Craig and Fun Size.
228
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,969
Now get outta here, bitch.
229
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:16,180
Oh, that is the most
sentimental "bitch"
I've ever said.
230
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:21,435
Craig?
Runnin' low on ham!
231
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,771
Candy:
Happy Birthday, Santa.
232
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:27,483
Tonight there will be cake,
there will be presents...
233
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,362
and yes, oh yes,
there will be blood.
234
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:35,950
I mean, not real,
but metaphorical blood.
235
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:39,036
Guest: Hey, Candy.
Nice gangster costume!
236
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,163
This glass has a smudge.
Not acceptable.
237
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,291
This is Santa's
birthday party!
238
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,126
Take them all back.
239
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,044
Pinocchio is
a bastardization
240
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,256
-of an old fairytale
in which the boy dies--
-Sexy and hilarious.
241
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,509
-(laughing)
-(party music plays)
242
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:56,262
And, well, yes,
I'm the character
The Great Gatsby
243
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,389
from the book
"The Great Gatsby."
244
00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:02,560
-You look beautiful.
-I'm Tonya Harding.
245
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,061
She was the first
American to land
246
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,646
a triple axel
in competition.
247
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,940
A badass and a true athlete.
248
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,276
Double vodka martini.
Straight up.
249
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:11,193
You got it.
250
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,612
I love your costume,
Mrs. Claus.
251
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,449
Did you want your
martini... dirty?
252
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,535
(chuckles)
Make it filthy.
253
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:20,995
So filthy someone
needs to call
254
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:24,040
the Health Department.
(laughs)
255
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:28,711
Welcome to Santa's
75th Birthday Extravaganza!
256
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,047
It's a big one,
ladies and jellybeans.
257
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,548
Now pipe down and shut it,
258
00:10:32,631 --> 00:10:35,551
or I'll mow your asses
to the ground!
259
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,636
But first, a few of our
Successor contenders
260
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,474
would like to speak
to Santa on his big day.
261
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:42,892
(cheers)
262
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,437
At first, I considered
the tried and true,
263
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,230
a cupcake-of-the-month club
264
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,274
subscription for Santa,
265
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,360
but then, I was like,
266
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:56,489
"What about two cupcakes
every month club?"
267
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:59,533
Unfortunately,
it does not exist.
268
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,494
So, I went--
And now...
269
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,204
without further ado,
270
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,623
I would like
to reveal to you,
271
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:08,584
my gift for Santa.
272
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,795
-A toy that represents...
-(winding clicks)
273
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:12,630
your lifetime.
274
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,340
(music box plays)
275
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,301
-(guest ooh and aah)
-Santa: Ah.
276
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,306
(guests cheering
and applauding)
277
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,102
Santa:
God.
278
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,228
(sighs)
279
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,401
Santa:
Bravo, bravo!
280
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,485
Big Candy:
Psst, hey, honey.
281
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:36,779
How'd you like
to meet Mr. Claus?
282
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,572
Mr. Lobster Claws!
283
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:41,075
(grunting)
284
00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:43,786
Candy:
Tonight we've heard
some beautiful toasts.
285
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,163
But now, let's get
to the real fun.
286
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,707
A roast...
not of Santa...
287
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,919
of my fellow
Successor contenders.
288
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:54,380
Oh yeah! I love a roast!
289
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,132
First of my rivals, Junior.
290
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:59,427
But God and a bad game of golf
have already taken care of him.
291
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,429
-(guests laughing)
-Guest: Oh, sick burn!
292
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,013
So, let's move
on to Jingle Jim.
293
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:05,724
Turns out he's had a hard life.
Why make it worse, right?
294
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,769
Amp it up!
You're bein' too nice.
Be a bad bitch!
295
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,147
Hold your reindeer,
birthday boy!
296
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,149
Now, what about
our own Timmy?
297
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,109
All he ever talks
about is toys.
298
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,903
I had no idea he was
a history buff, too...
299
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,864
until I saw
his gift to Santa.
300
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:24,034
It blew me away
in about six million
different ways.
301
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:28,622
-(guests booing)
-I did not see that
when I designed it.
302
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:33,043
Not see!
You hear me? Not see!
303
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,047
Not see! Am I helping?!
304
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,591
Oh, he is a Nazi.
305
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:40,468
Holy shit!
306
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:43,762
That might have
actually been the best
moment of my entire life.
307
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,681
(quietly):
Bang bang, fuck face.
308
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:48,058
Oh my god,
that was awful.
309
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,436
Let's continue
with something
sweeter...
310
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,646
or someone sweeter.
311
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,191
Our own Larson,
King of Chocolate,
312
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,068
and a longtime supporter
of women's rights,
313
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,738
not to mention
their tits and asses.
314
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:03,741
Ha! I wish.
Married 28 years.
315
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,159
And I don't
need to cheat.
316
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:07,495
My hot wife and I
fuck constantly!
317
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,747
She just gave me
a handy under the table!
318
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:10,831
Both: Larson!
319
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,791
You told me you
guys never fucked!
320
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:13,959
Wait, what?!
321
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,711
You don't even have a vagina.
322
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:17,588
Mrs. Claus:
A cheater as Santa?
323
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,382
Jingle Jim:
A swinger as Successor?
324
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,636
This is going to alienate
the evangelicals.
325
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,387
Massacre complete.
326
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:29,183
I am so shocked and sorry
by what's happened.
327
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,144
I had no idea some
lighthearted roasting
328
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:35,105
would reveal such
character damnation.
329
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,315
My bad.
330
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:37,900
Do not apologize!
331
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,237
A party mixed
with presents,
a toast, roasts,
332
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,197
a Nazi, and sizzling gossip?
333
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,741
Hands down, weirdest
and best birthday ever!
334
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:46,909
Thanks, Santa.
335
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,077
Now let's get
to the moment
336
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,079
we've all been
waiting for, shall we?
337
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,498
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha!
338
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:55,459
Important people
of Santa Inc.!
339
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:59,380
The coal miners are
the unsung heroes
of Santa Inc.,
340
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:02,675
and we are treated
like shit by you,
341
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:07,263
so tonight we sing
to you of our plight.
342
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,847
♪ Coal mines make me sick ♪
343
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,391
♪ But not sick like my dick ♪
344
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,226
Stop it!
Grandpa, Tony,
345
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:15,563
you're ruining this party!
Nobody cares about coal!
346
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,481
Candy!
How could you?
347
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,441
You're a coal
miner's daughter!
348
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,151
Poppin' out of a cake!
349
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,237
Happy Birthday, Big Guy!
350
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,530
Santa and The Board,
351
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:27,741
you all have coal dust
on your hands!
352
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,661
Wow, this is a lot--
353
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:32,663
-Guest 1: Oh my god!
-Call 911!
354
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,582
Guest 2:
We better not get
blamed for this shit.
355
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,126
-Guest 3: I was in the Bahamas.
-Oh my god.
356
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,587
Essential services
is down because
of the blizzard.
357
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,130
-What about the sleigh?
-Oh shit!
358
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,465
-I'm having it renovated.
-What do we do?
359
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,469
Follow me!
360
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,472
-(panting)
-(intense music plays)
361
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,726
I got you, Santa.
I got you.
362
00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:54,810
Oh God.
363
00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:55,978
Fat Man is
in the building!
364
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,646
10 cc's of eggnog, stat!
365
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,357
Oh god.
Please save Santa.
366
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,318
(grunting)
367
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,157
♪ ♪
368
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,083
Candy:
He's the strongest
person there is.
369
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,752
There's no way
he won't be okay.
370
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:23,213
I think what would help
Santa now is the love
of my new BFF.
371
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,965
I'm talkin'
about Christ.
372
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,383
My boy J.C.!
373
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,261
Accept Jesus into your
life with this baptism!
374
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:31,847
Save your soul
and Santa's life.
375
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,724
-Get off of her!
-Dr. Fruitcake: Mrs. Claus,
376
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,684
I have some good news
and some bad news.
377
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,854
-The good news is,
Santa is in stable condition.
-(all sigh with relief)
378
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:40,648
The bad news is,
the stable condition,
379
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,733
-is a medically induced coma.
-(all gasp)
380
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,735
Which is actually good news
because it gives us time
381
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:48,364
-to prepare for a very lengthy
and complicated surgery.
-(all sigh with relief)
382
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,948
-Which is bad news.
-(all gasp)
383
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,368
Because I won't
be home for dinner
and it's lasagna night,
384
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:57,206
and, I, like a certain
feline named Garfield,
live for lasagna,
385
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,959
but I guess that's
just bad news for me.
386
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:07,466
All right, we have no choice
but to enact Article Seven,
387
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:10,761
Subsection B of
the North Pole Edict:
388
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:12,429
(clears throat)
389
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,598
"When a Santa
becomes incapacitated,
390
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,225
"and cannot carry
out his duties,
391
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:19,353
the Board must anoint
an Acting Santa."
392
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,730
Now, normally this
would be the Successor,
393
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,941
but since Santa's
been stringing us along
394
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,151
like he's in
a filthy reality show,
395
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:30,322
we are obligated to go
with the highest-ranking
member of Santa Inc.,
396
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,574
which, in this case,
would be...
397
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,452
-(patriotic music plays)
-I, Candy Smalls,
do solemnly swear
398
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:39,248
to honor all the traditions
and spirit of Christmas...
399
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:43,544
and will to the best
of my abilities
preserve and protect...
400
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,588
Jingle Jim:
Well, well, well,
401
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:49,508
if it isn't the first Santa
who pees sitting down.
402
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:52,511
Ha, ha.
Is there any update
on Santa's condition?
403
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:54,471
Is he, is he dead?
404
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:57,558
-He's still in surgery.
-Oh! We did it!
405
00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:00,602
Yeah!
Y'all a bunch of ugly losers!
406
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,479
And me and Candy,
but mostly me,
407
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:05,441
are a couple
of sexy-ass winners!
408
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,735
Enough, Jeremy.
You're lazy and entitled,
409
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:10,154
and I thought you'd
grow up and change,
but you haven't.
410
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:11,447
So, you're fired.
411
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,615
Wha-- Candy!
412
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,160
How can you do that to me?
413
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,453
Wait, do I get unemployment?
414
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:21,039
Because if I do, whatever,
but if I don't, you suck!
415
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,417
Ah, there you are!
It's Cookie.
She went into labor.
416
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,461
Craig texted me,
and said something
went wrong.
417
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:28,005
Girl Santa on the move.
Girl Santa on the move.
418
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:31,300
Mm, mm, mm.
This whole thing sucks.
419
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,469
I'm sorry
the coffee's so bad.
420
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,263
-I hate hospitals.
-Oh, me too.
421
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,223
You know, uh, when
I was getting divorced,
422
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,893
I read something about how,
at the end of the day,
423
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,353
we just need to tuck our
worries under the pillow,
424
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,105
and have faith that,
by morning,
425
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,482
they'll all float away.
426
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,233
That's from
the Tooth Fairy's memoir,
427
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,651
"Beneath the Pillow."
428
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,154
I just read that!
That's what my costume is!
429
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,490
Oh yeah.
That's right.
430
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,867
Is she just so darn
impressive or what?
431
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:59,828
Really, the Tooth Fairy's
the only self-made woman
432
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,455
in the whole
holiday industry.
433
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:04,958
She really is.
If only all of us
could have...
434
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:07,377
that woman's
courage, I--
435
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,382
I'm sorry.
I should probably go.
436
00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:15,385
Well, uh, hey,
if there's ever
anything you need,
437
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,096
you just knock
on the door of
the Thirsty Deer,
438
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,473
and I'll be there.
439
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,851
Cookie, are you okay?
440
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,854
Aw, my friends.
I have sad news.
441
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,942
I gave birth to a seven-pound
six-ounce honey-baked ham.
442
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:32,069
It was
a hysterical
pregnancy.
443
00:18:32,152 --> 00:18:33,695
Symone was a ham!
444
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,864
So, you're okay?
Good. What a relief.
445
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,283
But, hey, did you hear?
I'm Acting Santa!
446
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:42,037
How cool is that?
Ho, ho, ho. Ha!
447
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,580
I mean, hopefully,
he'll be fine.
448
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:44,706
Fuck, I'm hungry.
449
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,416
Hm, and so insensitive.
450
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,960
What does that mean?
An elf can't eat
451
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:49,878
a big hunk
of rye bread anymore?
452
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,505
You flaked on the baby shower,
453
00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,882
before we found out
it was a ham shower,
454
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,717
but it was still
a big event for her.
455
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,512
You're talking about
being there for Cookie's
life moments?
456
00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,222
You fucked the best man
at her wedding.
457
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,015
So what?
That happens
all the time.
458
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,225
During the ceremony?
459
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,435
My mother still cries
when she talks about it.
460
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,355
I'm just saying, I've always
been there for both of you,
461
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:11,942
and now if I'm, maybe,
being a little bit self-focused,
462
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,528
I would, you know, think
you would give me a pass.
463
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,697
We've given you
a lot of passes lately.
464
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:19,241
And, Candy, I saw your
face during that roast...
465
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,327
You were so vicious.
I didn't even recognize you.
466
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,496
Ms. Smalls,
there's an update
on Santa's condition.
467
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,332
Oh my god, is he dead?!
I mean, is he okay? Is he well?
468
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,085
-Unknown.
-I gotta go.
I'll check in later.
469
00:19:30,168 --> 00:19:33,172
And then, like,
after three years,
she fires me.
470
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,423
It's so unfair.
471
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,800
If anything,
I deserve a raise
and my own assistant.
472
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,427
You agree, right?
473
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,304
Have you even been
listening to me?
474
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,849
My last words are...
(gasps for air)
475
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:47,144
you seem super-entitled.
476
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,146
-(flatline)
-(family cries)
477
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,690
Um, not sure
which one of you
that was for,
478
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,108
but I hope you
learn from this.
479
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,651
It was a mild heart arrhythmia.
480
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:55,611
Mrs. Claus is with him.
481
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,279
So, he's really
gonna be okay?
482
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,281
Yes!
Why do you all
look so alarmed?
483
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,199
Because you're
covered in
old blood!
484
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:02,201
It's just chocolate.
485
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,869
One of the nurses
brought brownies.
486
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:05,579
But I'm afraid those
delicious treats
487
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,123
have zero percent
chance of survival.
488
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:11,877
As soon as Santa recovers,
he must name a Successor.
489
00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:17,799
And Devin
just kept going
through the snow
490
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,009
until he
got you here.
491
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,219
You know, he's big,
but he doesn't seem strong.
492
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,806
I guess it's like
when a mom lifts a van
off her baby, you know?
493
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,935
Like, he saw me,
his hero, in trouble,
494
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,978
and... he just
Hulked the fuck out.
495
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,981
Santa!
I'm so glad you're okay.
496
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,693
I guess it's true what they say,
your heart is way too big.
497
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,362
It wasn't his heart.
498
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:41,573
Um... his lap
implants burst,
499
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,325
which led to sepsis.
500
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,202
I thought the implants
were indestructible,
501
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:47,996
like part titanium
and part dinosaur
or something.
502
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,209
I did, too, but I guess it
just took a special situation
to break them down.
503
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,003
You see, Candy, earlier today
I was going down on Mrs. Claus,
504
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,048
-cunnilingus--
-She doesn't need
this information!
505
00:20:58,131 --> 00:20:59,633
No, no, she does,
and it's fine.
506
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:00,884
Look, Candy, it's just that,
507
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,511
to get my tongue
at the right angle,
508
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:03,971
I have to spread
my legs like a dog,
509
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:07,724
-like lying on a rug kinda--
-This is so humiliating.
510
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,142
(awkward laughter)
511
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,689
(Candy laughs)
512
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,191
(laughs)
Ho, ho, ho!
513
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,276
Santa:
Man of the hour.
514
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,736
Come on in.
515
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,363
For carrying me all that way,
516
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:27,244
I can only say with the deepest
and most sincere gratitude,
517
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:29,705
I fuckin' owe you, brah.
518
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,581
Just happy I could help.
519
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,041
Hey, I know
it's late, but...
520
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,210
I've got some
special visitors.
521
00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:37,004
(all laughing)
522
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,547
Come on,
you little rascal.
523
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:40,465
What did you
guys wanna say?
524
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,342
Kids:
Get well soon, Santa!
525
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,302
That was better
than any medicine.
526
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:47,347
Except for
the medicine of morphine,
527
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,224
which is...
much better.
528
00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:51,351
All right, people!
Santa needs to rest.
529
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:52,853
Party's over.
Outta here.
530
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:54,896
-Skedaddle. Shoo, shoo.
-Ooh, an elf.
531
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,149
-I like your ears.
-No! I-- Don't touch my ears!
532
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:58,900
They're sensitive!
Stop it! No!
533
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,987
Bad kid! Easy, easy. Ahh!
534
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,739
Let go of me on
the count of three.
535
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:06,908
One, two--
Aah! Stop it! Ow!
536
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,286
-Kid: Get over here, shorty.
-Candy: F-ing stop!
537
00:22:09,369 --> 00:22:13,415
Ugh, what a fucking night.
Oh god, now it's even worse.
538
00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:15,083
We're goin' to stay
with Uncle Ding Dong,
539
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,586
even though he
has a mink farm
in his living room.
540
00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:19,254
It's better than
staying with you,
541
00:22:19,337 --> 00:22:20,213
‘cause you're the worst.
542
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,132
I will not sleep
in this house
543
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,384
for one more night
with a traitor!
544
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:25,761
Well,
I totally agree!
545
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,638
I was just coming home
to kick you guys out!
546
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:31,725
I can't believe the shit
you pulled at Santa's party!
547
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:33,060
You're the traitors!
548
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:34,936
-(knock on window)
-Snowman: Candy,
549
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,938
I finally found you.
550
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,067
-Snowie?
-I've been sitting in
Santa's office so long,
551
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:41,902
I lost my sense
of direction.
552
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:43,779
But I have
to tell you,
553
00:22:43,862 --> 00:22:46,740
yesterday,
I heard Santa say
554
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,576
who he's choosing
as a Successor.
555
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,036
Crazy, right?
556
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,330
Yes, crazy,
and a name, please?
557
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:55,791
Oh my gosh,
I forgot to say.
558
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,667
I've been in that
globe so long,
559
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,836
my social skills
are a bit cloudy.
560
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,880
Goddammit,
Snowie, who is it?
561
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,007
Santa's choosing you!
562
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,426
Now I'm going
to make up
for lost time.
563
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:09,679
I've been craving
a cobb salad
for 17 years.
564
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:14,059
(screaming)
Wah!
565
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,145
I did it. I won.
566
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,397
I'm going down in history.
567
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:23,068
Everybody's a sucker but me!
568
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,865
You just can't get a good
cobb salad in a snow globe.
569
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:33,286
-Gotcha, ya icy bastard!
-Ahh! No!
570
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,753
(toys whirring)
571
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,300
(joyful music playing)
572
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,307
(toys whirring)
573
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,316
♪ ♪
574
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:15,328
♪ ♪
575
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:27,299
♪ ♪
42774
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