All language subtitles for amy.winehouse.and.me.dionnes.story.2021.1080p.web.h264-cbfm

.

'My name is Dionne Bromfield,
and Amy Winehouse was my
godmother.'

'We had a special bond and our
relationship was unique.'

'Amy's support inspired me to
follow my dream of becoming a
singer.'

'And she signed me to her
label, Lioness,

when I was just 13 years old.'

'I performed all over the world
in front of thousands of
people,

all thanks to my godmother's
love and encouragement.'

'But one day, everything
changed.'

The singer, Amy Winehouse, has
been found dead in her north
London flat,

just 27 years old. The singer
has...

'I remember the moment I was
told that Amy died.'

'I was just about to walk on
stage.'

'My world crumbled, and I shut
down.'

Obviously, it's always hard
when you lose someone close to
you,

but when you lose someone and
it's like, it's worldwide
news,

then that must be, like, even
more difficult. No,
definitely.

'Since Amy died,
I've hardly spoken about her.'

'Even to those closest to me.'

'But now, ten years on,

I feel like I need to confront
my feelings and open up.'

'I know it's going to be
difficult and uncomfortable,

but I hope I'll reconnect
with the Amy I knew and loved,

as well as deal with some of
the grief I still feel at
losing her.'

Everyone sees Amy as Amy
Winehouse, and I never see her
as that.

When I think of Amy, I think of
Amy without the beehive,

without the eyeliner, at home,
prancing around, just being
Amy.

My godmother, it's just that,
another piece of the family.

'I first met Amy
when I was six years old.'

'She was good friends with my
mum who was also in the music
business.'

'The more time I spent around
Amy, the closer we became,

and eventually she asked my mum
if she could be my godmother.'

She was definitely like
another mother figure to me.

You know, Amy never had kids
and I know she wanted kids,

that was, like,
her purpose for life really,

being like an amazing wife
and an amazing mother.

And I think with me, I kinda
gave her that sense of
motherhood.

Even though she wasn't my mum
or my sister,

it was almost like...

...a sister and a mother kind
of just compiled in to one,

and that's why it was just so
unique.

'I'm close to the same age Amy
was when she died.'

'I now feel the time is right
to unlock some of those
memories.'

Guess it's kinda like
my little Amy memory box.

It's got, like, pictures
and some nice little stuff

that she's given me
that I really, really cherish.

I've got, like, really
naturally curly hair, right?

And she was like,
"Can I straighten your hair?"

And I was like, "Yeah".

And she whipped out the ironing
board and the iron and she was
like,

"When I was younger, my nan
used to put my hair on the
ironing board

and kinda iron my hair that
way."

I was like, "Amy,
you are not ironing my hair."

She used to always, like, sit
me down

and kind of want to have me
like a little dolly and do me
up.

And I quite liked it,
it was nice, you know,

being pampered all the time.

This one is myself, Amy and
Kelly. This was in Kelly's
dressing room.

She actually clipped on some of
her extensions onto my hair,

and she'd given me
the wisped eyeliner,

but yeah, we just went back
to Amy's house after this.

But we told her to take
the pink wig off.

But this was a fun night,
it was a nice night.

Really, really nice night.

This picture was in St Lucia,

so this is 2008,
round about Christmas time,

and she's got her little Jheri
curl.

This is like the Amy
that was at home.

Her hair would always
be naturally curly.

And St Lucia was a bit of
the, like, rebirth for Amy

because it was where she had
gotten herself off of drugs,
completely,

which I think a lot of people
fail to realise.

'I want to revisit some of the
places that me and Amy used to
go to.'

'I think this will help me
reconnect with her.'

'But I'm also nervous
of what it may stir up for me.'

Soho's been like a massive
music influence on me,

from such a young age actually.

I've performed at Ronnie
Scott's, which is literally the
next road.

Jazz After Dark which was a
huge location for Amy.

They have a really good house
band and she'd jump up so many
times

and just have a little
sing-song with them, which was
nice.

Oh I haven't been here in ages.

The Specials, they were, like,
such a huge influence on Amy.

I remember her playing
a lot of that ska music.

I knew a lot about, like,
reggae because, you know, I
come from...

I've got Jamaican in me
so that was around,

but ska, I wasn't that aware
of, so Amy definitely
introduced me to that.

And she definitely,
her style as well.

You know, that kind of rude boy
look, she definitely tried to
emulate.

The Ronettes. They were cool.

You know, Amy as well, she got
a lot of her hair influence
from them.

Yeah, she loved the Ronettes.

I said to her, "Oh, have you
heard this record?"

And she was like,
"Why d'you like that?"

And then she was like, "Oh,
then you're gonna like this
stuff."

She used to kinda give me,
like, assignments.

"Study this track
and tell me what you think."

And it was almost her being
like,

"If you wanna be the best,
you've gotta learn from the
best."

And when I'm learning literally
from the best,

and she's telling me to learn
from what she thinks is the
best,

I'm gonna bloody learn. Like,
of course I'm gonna learn.

She was giving me
what maybe she didn't have.

Someone's been through it
already and they know how it
goes,

it's nice, you've kind of got
that blanket, I guess.

Someone that actually cares
about you professionally and
personally,

and willing to help.

And boy, she did help.
She really did.

'I spent evenings at Amy's
house all the time,

and she would always encourage
me to sing with her.'

'But one day,
something amazing happened.'

[man]Team up.

I was 12 at the time, I think.

She knew I could sing and I
think she was trying to get me
out of my shell.

She was like, "What's your
favourite song right now?"

If I Ain't Got You by Alicia
was out at the time.

And she was like, "OK, let's
sing it, I'll play guitar."

# Some people live for the
fortune

# Some people live
Just for the fame... #

After we'd done it, she was
like, "Let's put it on
YouTube",

and I was like, "Er, OK, cool."

And I remember going to sleep
and waking up and then it was a
thing.

A couple of friends from school
were like,

"Oh, I saw that video of you
singing on YouTube."

I looked on YouTube and I was
like,

"Oh, there's a couple,
like, 25,000 here."

And then like the next day I
was like, "Oh, like, a hundred
thousand".

And it became a thing.

# Nothing at all

# If it ain't you, baby... #

And yeah, that was kinda like
the start, I guess,

of pushing kind of
the musical mentor... route.

[indistinct singing]

Dionne, Dionne, Dionne,
Dionne... Dionne, ladies and
gentlemen!

Sometimes somebody comes into
your life and they are, like,

there's a reason why they're
there.

And she's one of those people
in my life.

'My best friends, Rea and
Emineh,

have been with me
through everything.'

'But even with them,
I've struggled to talk about

how Amy's death affected me.'

'This is the first time in ten
years that I'll properly talk
about it.'

Are you excited, like, for
this, to come out and to...
Yeah.

...to be spoken about?

I wanted to this, one, for
myself.

There's only so much
you can hold inside,

and I've wanted to keep silent

because I wanted to, like,
respect her

and kind of let her
kind of be at peace.

But then I also feel like,
there's a side to her that
people should know.

I remember you first telling me
about Amy being your godmother.

We were in a English class
and I said,

"Oh, yeah,
my godmother's Amy Winehouse."

She went, "And my godmother's
Britney Spears."

Oh, didn't believe her?
I didn't really know.

I thought, I'm not telling
anyone that anymore.

Yeah, I didn't believe her
for a long time.

So when did you then believe
me?

When Amy came to the school.
Right.

It was chaos.

It was absolute chaos, and the,
like, paps were all around

and we could not, like,
back out of the school.

I haven't been able to grieve
her loss, I don't think.

I hadn't really experienced
loss like that ever in my life.

And I still haven't.

So, for it to be, like,
on a global scale,

it's, like, super amplified
and you feel really, like...

...small.

But you also feel like
a bit of a burden on people

if you try and say things to
them, so it got to the point

where it was like, I'm just not
gonna say anything.

So, why have you started doing
this documentary now? Why now?

I dunno, it just felt right.

If you asked me this five years
ago or even, like, two years
ago,

I would've said no.

Just because I don't feel like
I was in the right headspace

to kind of address things
that are really personal.

There was probably only so much
I could probably take, and...

I don't know how much I
would've been able to... I
don't wanna cry.

You can cry.
Let it out.

I'm gonna cry.
Don't!

I don't wanna cry, but...
It's OK.

But you're finally letting
this massive weight off your
shoulders

and gonna be able to breath
for the first time.Yeah.

We're very proud of you.

[sighs]

It felt like I had to keep it
in, but I didn't wanna...

I didn't wanna let out
because I was too embarrassed

to show that I was hurting.

It's normal, like,
it's really normal.

Everyone grieves differently,
that's one thing I've learnt.

Some people scream and cry,
some people don't talk, some
people...

I don't think there is a right
way, but I'm glad you're doing
this.

Yeah.

It was really nice talking to
them.

They understood
something new about me.

Just feels nice to kind of
unravel another level of
friendship.

Never really sat down and,
like,

allowed them to see
the vulnerable side of me.

.

.

'Sylvia Young's Theatre School
was where Amy went

and she insisted I went there
too.'

'It was a place filled with
many happy memories for us
both.'

'I've come back today
to speak to Sylvia herself

and see what she remembers
of that time.'

Hi, it's Dionne.

So I've literally just clocked
that that is Amy.

This one right here.

When she was younger, I'm
assuming she's probably about
14 or 15.

She's never changed,
she's still got those big eyes.

Hiya.
Hello, Dionne.

Oh, it's lovely to see you.

The last time I was actually
in these doors I think it...

I was 15, 16, in my last...
16, yeah.Yeah.

I'd be really interested to
know, like, what Amy was like
as a student.

I always said that Amy was
brilliant. Brilliantly clever.

We put her up a year.

Our English teacher thought
she'd be a novelist or a
journalist/

Obviously we were hoping that
her career went with the
singing,

which was the obvious career
for her.

She always spoke highly
of the singing teacher, Ray.

Yeah, Ray Lamb, our Head of
Music. Yeah, he loved her.

And Ray did a number of
recordings with her,

which we sent off to the
National Youth Jazz Orchestra.

She got her audition,
and then started with them,

which was a great start
to her career.

I was very fond of Amy.

I just thought she was a wild
spirit and Amy was Amy.

She broke rules
right, left and centre

but she always apologised
beautifully.Oh, yeah.

So, do you remember the
conversation you had with Amy
regarding me?

Yeah, Amy phoned me and she
said "I've got this gorgeous
girl,

my goddaughter, and she can
sing,

and I think she should be with
you." Oh.

And I said "Well, if you say
she can sing..." Yeah, yeah,
yeah.

"...then she can sing."
And I said, "Love to meet her."

I think Amy saw the vision.

She not only had experienced
this school herself,

so she knew what they were
great at, but she knew what I
was lacking.

It's quite funny now
that I kicked off a big fuss

and was, like, crying
to not come to this school

because, you know, I would do
it over again, I really would,
it's...

It's a great school. It really
is.

Did you feel like there was
a dramatic change in how I was

before Amy had passed and
after?

I did feel there was a change.
I think were far more serious.

Really? You were thinking more
deeply, yeah.

I think it did affect you,
obviously, erm,

because she was so special to
you. Mm.

I didn't realise how much
Amy's passing affected me,

and it showed.

And I feel like the Dionne then
had no idea what was to come,
and...

...that's what's quite sad.

It's just sad.

Ladies and gentlemen, Amy
Winehouse.

[cheering, applause]

# Meet you downstairs
In the bar and heard

# Your rolled up sleeves
In your skull T-shirt... #

'In 2008, Amy had done

what no other British female
artist had done before,

by winning five awards
at the Grammys.'

I do remember the night
Amy won the Grammys.

I really, really wanted to go,

but wasn't allowed to go
because I had school the next
day.

I did see the Grammys. They
weren't actually at her house.

When I saw them
they were at Management,

but that's typical Amy, all her
accolades were never there.

They were either with her mum
or her dad or wherever she left
them.

'With this achievement, she had
a vision to create a label

to help other young artists.'

'And following the viral
success of our clip on YouTube,

I was going to be the first
person she signed to her label,
Lioness.'

[man]Big smile, Dionne. Lovely.

When I met Dionne, she was
singing and I went, "Hey, you
can sing!"

She's so much better than I was
at that age, really.

I mean, just so proud of her,
really.

And it's... it's very
effortless.

You know, Dionne's only 13.

This is the thing I say to
Dionne and her mum all the
time,

I'm like, "Listen, Dionne will
always have offers."

But at the same time I'm like,
I kinda don't want you to

cos I want you to do it all
with me.

I don't want anyone else
to have you.

The signing was really natural.

"Working" with somebody
who's like family,

it didn't feel like a chore or
a job.

It just was like,
I love what I'm doing

and I'm so lucky
to be able to have somebody

who can give me the tools
to do it on a great level.

Dionne knows she'll always
have my whole support, my
whole support.

If she called me up and said,
"Amy, d'you think I should do
this song?"

I'd be like, "Dionne, you know
what song you should do,

you know yourself."

"You know what suits you,
you know what you love more,

so do what you love,
like, do what you love."

'Someone who worked closely
with Amy on Back to Black

was her Chief Engineer, Jon
Moon.'

'He also helped me
with my first album.'

'As I piece together the
memories of that time in my
life,

I am keen to see him again.'

Hello, hello. How are you?

I haven't been here in so long.
Yeah.

You look well.
Thank you.

Always look well.
So do you.

I don't think I actually know,
like, how did you meet Amy?

Oh, how did I meet Amy?
Right, well, erm...

That was here, that was here.

And d'you remember it, like,
quite vividly?Vividly.

Really?
Vividly.

She came in, red high heels,

and she turned towards me
with those eyes and she's like,

"No, no, no, don't want
anything posh, just give me a
58."

And slapped the microphone out
the way. "OK, I'll give you a
58."

And that's kind of what we used
a lot of the time.

She came in for a lot of
rehearsals and recordings

and these would go on
for days at a time.

This became her home.
And in the booth there,

she'd set it up like a lounge,
like a living room.Yeah.

# Well, sometimes I go out by
myself

# And I look across the
water...

She knew who she was and she
was not gonna be influenced

by whatever was popping at that
time.

And I think that's why everyone
loved her so much,

is she was just authentically
Amy.

She always used to say, "How
can you do things that you
don't really feel

or it's not you?"

She just couldn't really hide
who she was, it was just there.

# Oh, won't you come on over?

# Stop making a fool out of
me... #

Amy was very enthusiastic
about things that she loved,

and she talked a lot about you
before I met you

and saying
what an amazing voice you had,

and, "You've gotta meet Dionne,
she's incredible."

She had a vision for you,

and she was so brilliant
at sharing that vision.

She put people together in a
way that was so insightful,

and I think that came across
not just in her music

but in the way she was.

And the way people perceived
her, you know?

I think that's one of the
things that I found difficult,

the media was.. that was just
a millisecond picture

that they took there, you know?

And it just... it never
justified how much of a being
she was. Yeah.

I was aware of what was
happening, but I chose to not
look at that

because the Amy that I saw

was always a beautiful, caring,
loving person.

Like, I don't care or give a
crap

about what everyone else
is saying outside

because what I see is this
person.

She's just 13 years old

and this is her first
appearance on British
television.

She's here performing with her
godmother, Amy Winehouse.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dionne Bromfield.

[backing singers]# Ooh, ooh...

# Mama said...

'And the night I felt Amy's
care and support towards me the
most

was when she decided to use the
biggest show on British
television

to launch my career.'

# There'll be days like this
My mama said

# Mama said, mama said #

Her support felt amazing.

I respected her as a person,
but also musically I respected
her.

And having that person
that I idolised, musically,

guiding me, that's the best
training you can get.

Just before we went to do
Strictly Come Dancing,

so, like, literally side of
stage,

and she was sorting out
the ruffles on my dress

to make sure I looked smart.

And she was just like, "Ignore
the noise, I'm right there."

"The band are there, they're my
band, they're gonna smash it
with you."

She was just trying to make me
get, you know, ready,

and take away the kind of...
the vibe that was around,

which obviously was, "Oh, she's
about to do live TV, she's only
13."

"This either could go really
well or really, like, bad."

This is, like, the start of
what was to come for me
musically.

[cheering, applause]

My most memorable moment with
Amy, and it's really funny

cos I think most people are
gonna expect me to say, like,

"Oh, yeah,
when we went on holiday here

and we went to some glitzy
thing,"

actually just, like, having a
walk round London, just the two
of us.

Because that was so unrealistic
at a certain point,

because you just couldn't walk
down the road without her
getting noticed

or someone hassling her,
but if you did get that moment,

it was special because
you could just walk and talk.

That was my...
my most special moment,

just us two walking and talking
in, like, the night time of
London.

So much of my life was based
in and around Camden.

There was a purpose for me
being here

but, you know, in the last ten
years, a lot's changed,

so there's no real reason to...
to come here anymore.

# For you, I was a flame

# Love is a losing game

# Five-storey fire as you came

# Love is a losing game...

She called herself the Queen of
Camden, she loved it.

Camden really rubbed off on her
and it left its stamp on her,

and she left her stamp on
Camden.

So, to have her placed around
Camden only kinda feels right.

# And now the final frame

# Love is a losing game #

'But there is one place in
Camden

that holds the rawest memories
for me.'

I guess this place for me is...
well, really, like, poignant

because this is obviously
the last time I saw Amy,

and this is actually, like,
the first time

I've stood outside it
and looked at it.

Probably...probably since I
performed here.

'That night,
Amy came up on stage with me.'

'It was incredible.'

'But three days later, she
died.'

'This journey is helping me
deal with things I have buried
really deep.'

'But I don't feel ready
to go back in here yet.'

.

.

'On the 23rd of July, 2011,

I lost my godmother, Amy
Winehouse, and the world lost
an icon.'

[newsreader] 'Later, the
singer's goddaughter visited
her home

where a shrine has been
building since Saturday.'

'Dionne Bromfield was the last
person to perform with Amy,

just days before her death.'

'And so, despite a life
played out in the public arena,

it was a very private one that
said goodbye to Amy
Winehouse.'

Obviously, it's always hard
when you lose someone close to
you,

but when you lose someone
and it's, like, worldwide news,

then that must be even more
difficult. No, definitely.

And I was actually in Wales at
the time supporting The Wanted.

Obviously I was in the dressing
room, but my mum and Jevan,

who was Amy's PA, didn't,
erm...

They found out about an hour or
so before I found out,

but they didn't wanna tell me.

I was in Wales performing.

It was, like,
in the middle of this field,

cos I was getting ready for a
gig,

and I knew something had
changed

because everyone's atmosphere
changed.

Everyone just kind of, like,
started becoming extremely
quiet.

And everyone was usually, like,
quite pumped

to go and do the show or
whatever.

And I got the news
that she'd passed...

and it didn't really make
sense.

Maybe I didn't wanna believe
it, maybe I was just like,

"Can't be true. Saw her three
days ago, what you talking
about? No."

'Someone that could help me
make sense of that exact time

was Amy's personal assistant
and good friend, Jevan.'

' When I started touring, Amy
asked him specifically to look
after me.'

It's been ten years
since Amy's passing.

Me and you
were around each other a lot.

We experienced a lot together,
so you're probably one of

a certain amount of people who
can really give a good insight
to it.

Yeah, I remember get...
looking at my phone,

and my first thought was
protect you.

I didn't want you to have any
idea,

especially because
you were about to go on stage,

and it was just you and I
in the room at this point

and I was, like, adamant
that I wouldn't look at you.

It's weird because you didn't
have to say anything, I just
felt something.

It's like almost the room went
cold.

Yeah. And I just remember,
erm...

It wasn't like... I was fine,
like, I could've kept the
facade up

for as long as it needed
to be kept up,

but then I remember feeling
your hand on my shoulder.

It's when you touched me
that I just felt this, like,

overwhelming sense of, like,
guilt, because I just felt
like

I'm trying to hide this, like,
massive thing from you,

and I couldn't help but cry.

And then you were like, "It's
Amy, isn't it?" Or whatever.

I was just like,
"I have to tell you."

Then the tour manager came in,
he was like, "D'you wanna
leave?"

I think we all kind of...
almost reverted to being
children

and you took the adult role

cos you were like,
"Everybody just chill."

"No, we're gonna, you know,
fulfil this commitment'.Mm.

And then, unfortunately,
because someone had an iPad
there

and one of the boys had been
looking at the Daily Mail
website

and they had, like... were
pulling out her body from the
house

and it was, like, the front
page,

and I remember seeing that and
it was just a bit like, "What?'

So it was like almost I was
still waiting for someone to
say, like...

Oh, yeah. "You've just been
punked." Like...

A sick punk it would've been,
but, like, I was expecting
that.

And, like, even going on stage,
I remember, like,

I just couldn't do
any of the, like, routines.

My body was just like...

My mouth was singing and I
kinda was looking at people

and I remember people in the
audience kind of...

They were just becoming aware
of it

and people were looking at
their phones and then kind of
like,

"Oh, my God..."

And then looking at me
and it was just like...

You're just existing.

I always wish I was slightly
older when Amy was alive,

because I feel like the
conversations we potentially
could've had

could've been a little bit more
deeper, erm...

...in regards to addiction
and stuff like that.

I was aware she was struggling
with things,

but I don't think she probably
wanted to have heard it

from a younger person,
much younger as well.

Because I know that's a side of
her that she didn't want me to
see.

That's like with you, I'd
never...

Amy never used in front of me,
I never witnessed that.

Yeah, as mad as it sounds,

she's probably a lot more
responsible than the public
image

that was painted of her gave
off, you know?

I know a lot of people
within the industry, sadly,

who are suffering with
addiction.

However,
they've been able to kind of

fight their demons in private
almost

because there was no limelight
shining on that particular
person.

But in our case, it was
everywhere. Yeah.

Like, you couldn't turn
without seeing something.

I do wish either of us
potentially had a conversation
earlier,

even if it was two years
after she passed...

...but it probably wasn't
the right moment.Yeah.

What was most surprising for me
was the fact that he was
feeling

the same sort of things
that I was feeling.

And that's why it's like,

I wish we both had come and
spoken to each other a little
bit more sooner

because we both were feeling
the exact same things

but we both just wouldn't
mention it,

which is, like, wild really to
me because...

...it would've took a lot of
pressure off of the pair of us.

'Meeting Jevan has got me
thinking about the last time I
saw Amy

and the experience
I shared with her.'

This picture is actually
the last picture

that I've got of myself and
Amy,

and this was three days
before she passed.

This is backstage
in my dressing room.

Little did I know that this
would be the last actual
picture

that I would have of myself and
her.

Or that this would be
the last time I saw her.

Amy loved life too much.

She wasn't somebody that was,
like, gonna give it up that
easily.

This is not somebody who...

...got themselves off of drugs
three years prior

and never touched it again.

To me, that's not a woman
that doesn't wanna be alive.

It's still really baffling,

because to me, this was, like,
the healthiest I'd ever seen
her

and she was, like, beaming.

I can't explain it,
but all I can say is

it's like she was shining so
bright

that maybe it just had to
burst.

And it was really hard for me
to comprehend

that she was so well,

but yet three days later,
something so tragic happened.

It was really hard to...
to register that.

'Now at 25,
I realise Amy was shielding me

from a lot of the things
she was struggling with.'

'I wanna hear from other young
people who have lost someone to
addiction

and learn from them.'

'We are all meeting for the
first time, but share similar
experiences.'

Hi, guys.

Hi.Hello.
How are you?

I've been really going on a
journey addressing Amy, my
godmother.

It's been ten years since she's
passed and I'd say in the last
year,

I've only really started to
accept and acknowledge

the fact she's not here.

And also, like, all the
emotions that I'd kind of
bottled up

and just thrown them, you
know, to the back of my head,

I've started to really
bring them to light.

So it'll be really interesting
to see how you guys

coped with grief or addiction.

I think I was about 12

when I realised that my dad
had a drinking problem.

So I was aware of it.

But it's always kind of, you
know, pushed under the carpet,
no one...

...no one likes
to discuss addiction.No.

When you're young, people
don't talk to you about it,

in some way trying to protect
you,

but you see it, like, you know,

and in some way it makes it
even harder to place it

because you're seeing this
thing but you have no context
to understand,

"Is this person an addict?
Do they need to stop?"

"Do I need to be begging them
and screaming at them to stop?"

[sighs] It's... it's hard
because...

...I never really saw her...
drunk, if I'm being completely
honest.

I never actually did see her
drunk.

But then I could pick up a
newspaper and see something,

and to me it was almost like
two different worlds.

It took her death for me to
realise that the drink was
really that bad.

I don't want to talk about her
and call her an alcoholic...

...but...

...she was. D'you know what I
mean?

She was more than that,

but at the same time I have to
accept that it was also what it
was.

But it shouldn't be
a shameful label.

You know, just like disability.
Yeah.

That is a part of you, yeah,
but it's not who you are.

You know, there's so much more.

But it's like embracing
that side of her

because at the end of the day,
she is a whole person.

I never really admitted that I
felt a bit embarrassed
sometimes,

because there's such a stigma
around addiction.

So, hearing some of those guys
mention that they've also, you
know,

parents or loved ones
were addicted too,

it goes to show,
"Oh, like, I'm not..."

"I'm not the only one.
You guys felt this too."

And also they shared
similar kinda feelings.

I wish I'd done this earlier,
but my one thing that I've
taken from this,

it's never too late
to actually talk to people.

.

.

[man]Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Amy Winehouse!

[music playing, cheering]

# You tried to make me go to
rehab

# I said no, no, no

# Yes, I've been black
But when I come back

# You'll know, know, know

# I ain't got the time

# But if my daddy thinks
I'm fine... #

'The last few weeks
have been a roller coaster.'

'I am revisiting my past with
Amy through adults eyes now,

but I need to make sense of it
all

and I still have
unanswered questions.'

'I think meeting an expert
will give me some perspective

and maybe even help me with
some of the challenges I have.'

I'm going to see a grief
specialist, Andy.

This for me, this is the first
time

I've ever really spoken to
anyone one-on-one in ten years

about how I felt.

I'm a little bit nervous, I'm
not gonna lie. But right now,

I feel like this is actually
one of the most important
things to do.

D'you wanna take a seat,
Dionne? Yeah.

[sighs]
Super.

I mean, if I'm being really
honest, I've found it really,
really hard

to kind of address certain
feelings, situations,

or understand why I feel
certain ways.

But my coping mechanism was
kind of,

I have to show everyone
that I'm being strong,

and why would I be upset?
Like, it is what it is.

That's how I...
I kind of dealt with things.

So on one hand, you're sort of
denied the possibility of
grieving

how you've wanted to grieve.
Yeah.

Like, almost not had
permission,

and also at the same time,
there's pressures on you to be
strong

and to be a particular way.
Yeah.

For months, I would not cry. I
didn't cry for a long, long
time

cos I just didn't feel like
it needed to come,

and then I remember, like,
three, four months down the
line

that I just burst into tears
because it just all got to me

and it was... the trigger that
got me was I saw something

and I was like,
"Amy would find that funny."

And I remember, I went to go
and, like, call her,

and it was, "I can't do that."

And from then,

I couldn't listen
to any of her music for years.

I didn't like seeing stuff
online that was written about
her still.

Videos.

And it was all from that moment
of me wanting to pick up the
phone

to call her about something
and realising I actually can't.

I mean, a lot of people say,
"How can I get over this?"

"How can I no longer
feel like this?"Mm.

And actually, it's not so much
about getting over

or closing a relationship
or stopping that.

It's actually about
how do we stay connected

with the memories
of the person who's died.

'I'm glad I met Andy.'

'He's helped me
put things into perspective

and reminded me that it's not
about closing this chapter,

but embracing everything
Amy left me with.'

And I guess this is probably,
like, one of my most prized
possessions

that Amy had given me, and it
was a pinkie ring that was
hers,

with a gold chain.

And I will really, like,
only wear this

when I'm doing things
that are, like, special.

I don't really wear it
every single day.

I feel like this is almost like
a bit of a, like, a blanket.

It instantly reminds me of her.

This guitar she wrote a bit of
Frank on, and she gifted this
to me, so...

This is a baby blue Fender
Strat,

and it's the original strings,
everything.

You can even see the
discolouration where it's so
old.

It means a lot
that she gave this to me.

She probably would be, like,
cussing me right now,

at the fact that I have not
learnt properly how to play.

This is a dress here that she
wore

for a gig that she done
at Somerset House,

and then I was shooting a music
video and I just didn't like
anything,

and I said it to her
and she was like, "Here."

And then she pulled it out of
her wardrobe, like, "Take
this."

If you love someone,
you know their smell.

Amy used to wear this raunchy
perfume that if I smell it,

I'm like, "That reminds me of
Amy."

And it's kind of this, I...
Just by feeling it,

you kind of feel like
you're feeling her a bit.

It's like this piece of fabric
holds so many memories.

'Dealing with Amy's loss
was never going to be easy,

and opening up
to all the people I have met

has given me
a final shot of confidence

to face returning to the
Roundhouse.'

'The last place I saw Amy
alive.'

'And now, it's time for me to
go back inside.'

So, when I was last here,

which was the 23rd of July
which was Roundhouse,

I remember this so well
actually because there was,
like,

some Portakabins there
which were like...

We had our backstage dressing
room

but we had also a dressing room
out here as well,

and this is where me and Amy,
we chatted for ages

and, you know, it was really,
really nice, we just had loads
of fun.

It was actually the last place
that I actually ended up seeing
her.

It feels strange because I
haven't... I haven't set foot
back in here.

It's mixed emotions. Right now
I feel really happy and I...

It brings back such good
memories.

But it's also...

...a little bit tarnished by
obviously what then happened.

Erm, and also a little bit
confusing because the night was
so amazing,

it's just like, how...
how did we go from, you know,

three days earlier before she
passed,

this amazing night where she
was beaming, everything was
good,

she was on stage dancing,
happy, you know.

A proper, like...

...bright moment in life
really.

She just, like, ran up and
hugged me and was just like...

Just really happy. She was
like, "I'm so happy, I'm so
proud'.

And I remember she said to me,

"Who would've thought
you'd be singing in Camden

with me in the Roundhouse?
Crazy, right?"

She did have a vision for me.

I think I definitely knew
what I wanted to do, but she...

...she wanted bigger things.

And that's why I'm so
appreciative and I'm so glad

that I actually, this night,
said to her, like,

"Thank you so much for
everything." And I'm so glad I
said it.

Because I probably would,
like... that would haunt me to
this day

if I never was able to say,
like, thank you.

I came into this not really
knowing where this journey
would take me.

I knew I had to go back
to go forward.

Ultimately,

Amy was a person that wanted to
make sure I was good.

And to be completely honest,
I wasn't good

because I hadn't addressed
certain things that needed to
be addressed.

And by not letting Amy rest
by talking about her still.

That was a big, big worry for
me.

I felt very held back
because of her passing

and I felt like I wasn't really
able to say how I really felt.

I feel more content
speaking about her,

and actually now, when I do
think of her and when I have
spoken about her,

I think of positive things.

Her legacy is so much more
than just her music.

Her image. Her wittiness.

Her rudeness. [laughs]

I think it's... it's a package
thing.

And I think if you were able
to have experienced it...

...then you're lucky.
You're very, very lucky.

And I also think no one
will ever be able to touch it.

There'll only be one Amy.
I know that for sure.

.