Original subtitles

.

'My name is Dionne Bromfield, and Amy Winehouse was my godmother.'

'We had a special bond and our relationship was unique.'

'Amy's support inspired me to follow my dream of becoming a singer.'

'And she signed me to her label, Lioness,

when I was just 13 years old.'

'I performed all over the world in front of thousands of people,

all thanks to my godmother's love and encouragement.'

'But one day, everything changed.'

The singer, Amy Winehouse, has been found dead in her north London flat,

just 27 years old. The singer has...

'I remember the moment I was told that Amy died.'

'I was just about to walk on stage.'

'My world crumbled, and I shut down.'

Obviously, it's always hard when you lose someone close to you,

but when you lose someone and it's like, it's worldwide news,

then that must be, like, even more difficult. No, definitely.

'Since Amy died, I've hardly spoken about her.'

'Even to those closest to me.'

'But now, ten years on,

I feel like I need to confront my feelings and open up.'

'I know it's going to be difficult and uncomfortable,

but I hope I'll reconnect with the Amy I knew and loved,

as well as deal with some of the grief I still feel at losing her.'

Everyone sees Amy as Amy Winehouse, and I never see her as that.

When I think of Amy, I think of Amy without the beehive,

without the eyeliner, at home, prancing around, just being Amy.

My godmother, it's just that, another piece of the family.

'I first met Amy when I was six years old.'

'She was good friends with my mum who was also in the music business.'

'The more time I spent around Amy, the closer we became,

and eventually she asked my mum if she could be my godmother.'

She was definitely like another mother figure to me.

You know, Amy never had kids and I know she wanted kids,

that was, like, her purpose for life really,

being like an amazing wife and an amazing mother.

And I think with me, I kinda gave her that sense of motherhood.

Even though she wasn't my mum or my sister,

it was almost like...

...a sister and a mother kind of just compiled in to one,

and that's why it was just so unique.

'I'm close to the same age Amy was when she died.'

'I now feel the time is right to unlock some of those memories.'

Guess it's kinda like my little Amy memory box.

It's got, like, pictures and some nice little stuff

that she's given me that I really, really cherish.

I've got, like, really naturally curly hair, right?

And she was like, "Can I straighten your hair?"

And I was like, "Yeah".

And she whipped out the ironing board and the iron and she was like,

"When I was younger, my nan used to put my hair on the ironing board

and kinda iron my hair that way."

I was like, "Amy, you are not ironing my hair."

She used to always, like, sit me down

and kind of want to have me like a little dolly and do me up.

And I quite liked it, it was nice, you know,

being pampered all the time.

This one is myself, Amy and Kelly. This was in Kelly's dressing room.

She actually clipped on some of her extensions onto my hair,

and she'd given me the wisped eyeliner,

but yeah, we just went back to Amy's house after this.

But we told her to take the pink wig off.

But this was a fun night, it was a nice night.

Really, really nice night.

This picture was in St Lucia,

so this is 2008, round about Christmas time,

and she's got her little Jheri curl.

This is like the Amy that was at home.

Her hair would always be naturally curly.

And St Lucia was a bit of the, like, rebirth for Amy

because it was where she had gotten herself off of drugs, completely,

which I think a lot of people fail to realise.

'I want to revisit some of the places that me and Amy used to go to.'

'I think this will help me reconnect with her.'

'But I'm also nervous of what it may stir up for me.'

Soho's been like a massive music influence on me,

from such a young age actually.

I've performed at Ronnie Scott's, which is literally the next road.

Jazz After Dark which was a huge location for Amy.

They have a really good house band and she'd jump up so many times

and just have a little sing-song with them, which was nice.

Oh I haven't been here in ages.

The Specials, they were, like, such a huge influence on Amy.

I remember her playing a lot of that ska music.

I knew a lot about, like, reggae because, you know, I come from...

I've got Jamaican in me so that was around,

but ska, I wasn't that aware of, so Amy definitely introduced me to that.

And she definitely, her style as well.

You know, that kind of rude boy look, she definitely tried to emulate.

The Ronettes. They were cool.

You know, Amy as well, she got a lot of her hair influence from them.

Yeah, she loved the Ronettes.

I said to her, "Oh, have you heard this record?"

And she was like, "Why d'you like that?"

And then she was like, "Oh, then you're gonna like this stuff."

She used to kinda give me, like, assignments.

"Study this track and tell me what you think."

And it was almost her being like,

"If you wanna be the best, you've gotta learn from the best."

And when I'm learning literally from the best,

and she's telling me to learn from what she thinks is the best,

I'm gonna bloody learn. Like, of course I'm gonna learn.

She was giving me what maybe she didn't have.

Someone's been through it already and they know how it goes,

it's nice, you've kind of got that blanket, I guess.

Someone that actually cares about you professionally and personally,

and willing to help.

And boy, she did help. She really did.

'I spent evenings at Amy's house all the time,

and she would always encourage me to sing with her.'

'But one day, something amazing happened.'

[man]Team up.

I was 12 at the time, I think.

She knew I could sing and I think she was trying to get me out of my shell.

She was like, "What's your favourite song right now?"

If I Ain't Got You by Alicia was out at the time.

And she was like, "OK, let's sing it, I'll play guitar."

# Some people live for the fortune

# Some people live Just for the fame... #

After we'd done it, she was like, "Let's put it on YouTube",

and I was like, "Er, OK, cool."

And I remember going to sleep and waking up and then it was a thing.

A couple of friends from school were like,

"Oh, I saw that video of you singing on YouTube."

I looked on YouTube and I was like,

"Oh, there's a couple, like, 25,000 here."

And then like the next day I was like, "Oh, like, a hundred thousand".

And it became a thing.

# Nothing at all

# If it ain't you, baby... #

And yeah, that was kinda like the start, I guess,

of pushing kind of the musical mentor... route.

[indistinct singing]

Dionne, Dionne, Dionne, Dionne... Dionne, ladies and gentlemen!

Sometimes somebody comes into your life and they are, like,

there's a reason why they're there.

And she's one of those people in my life.

'My best friends, Rea and Emineh,

have been with me through everything.'

'But even with them, I've struggled to talk about

how Amy's death affected me.'

'This is the first time in ten years that I'll properly talk about it.'

Are you excited, like, for this, to come out and to... Yeah.

...to be spoken about?

I wanted to this, one, for myself.

There's only so much you can hold inside,

and I've wanted to keep silent

because I wanted to, like, respect her

and kind of let her kind of be at peace.

But then I also feel like, there's a side to her that people should know.

I remember you first telling me about Amy being your godmother.

We were in a English class and I said,

"Oh, yeah, my godmother's Amy Winehouse."

She went, "And my godmother's Britney Spears."

Oh, didn't believe her? I didn't really know.

I thought, I'm not telling anyone that anymore.

Yeah, I didn't believe her for a long time.

So when did you then believe me?

When Amy came to the school. Right.

It was chaos.

It was absolute chaos, and the, like, paps were all around

and we could not, like, back out of the school.

I haven't been able to grieve her loss, I don't think.

I hadn't really experienced loss like that ever in my life.

And I still haven't.

So, for it to be, like, on a global scale,

it's, like, super amplified and you feel really, like...

...small.

But you also feel like a bit of a burden on people

if you try and say things to them, so it got to the point

where it was like, I'm just not gonna say anything.

So, why have you started doing this documentary now? Why now?

I dunno, it just felt right.

If you asked me this five years ago or even, like, two years ago,

I would've said no.

Just because I don't feel like I was in the right headspace

to kind of address things that are really personal.

There was probably only so much I could probably take, and...

I don't know how much I would've been able to... I don't wanna cry.

You can cry. Let it out.

I'm gonna cry. Don't!

I don't wanna cry, but... It's OK.

But you're finally letting this massive weight off your shoulders

and gonna be able to breath for the first time.Yeah.

We're very proud of you.

[sighs]

It felt like I had to keep it in, but I didn't wanna...

I didn't wanna let out because I was too embarrassed

to show that I was hurting.

It's normal, like, it's really normal.

Everyone grieves differently, that's one thing I've learnt.

Some people scream and cry, some people don't talk, some people...

I don't think there is a right way, but I'm glad you're doing this.

Yeah.

It was really nice talking to them.

They understood something new about me.

Just feels nice to kind of unravel another level of friendship.

Never really sat down and, like,

allowed them to see the vulnerable side of me.

.

.

'Sylvia Young's Theatre School was where Amy went

and she insisted I went there too.'

'It was a place filled with many happy memories for us both.'

'I've come back today to speak to Sylvia herself

and see what she remembers of that time.'

Hi, it's Dionne.

So I've literally just clocked that that is Amy.

This one right here.

When she was younger, I'm assuming she's probably about 14 or 15.

She's never changed, she's still got those big eyes.

Hiya. Hello, Dionne.

Oh, it's lovely to see you.

The last time I was actually in these doors I think it...

I was 15, 16, in my last... 16, yeah.Yeah.

I'd be really interested to know, like, what Amy was like as a student.

I always said that Amy was brilliant. Brilliantly clever.

We put her up a year.

Our English teacher thought she'd be a novelist or a journalist/

Obviously we were hoping that her career went with the singing,

which was the obvious career for her.

She always spoke highly of the singing teacher, Ray.

Yeah, Ray Lamb, our Head of Music. Yeah, he loved her.

And Ray did a number of recordings with her,

which we sent off to the National Youth Jazz Orchestra.

She got her audition, and then started with them,

which was a great start to her career.

I was very fond of Amy.

I just thought she was a wild spirit and Amy was Amy.

She broke rules right, left and centre

but she always apologised beautifully.Oh, yeah.

So, do you remember the conversation you had with Amy regarding me?

Yeah, Amy phoned me and she said "I've got this gorgeous girl,

my goddaughter, and she can sing,

and I think she should be with you." Oh.

And I said "Well, if you say she can sing..." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"...then she can sing." And I said, "Love to meet her."

I think Amy saw the vision.

She not only had experienced this school herself,

so she knew what they were great at, but she knew what I was lacking.

It's quite funny now that I kicked off a big fuss

and was, like, crying to not come to this school

because, you know, I would do it over again, I really would, it's...

It's a great school. It really is.

Did you feel like there was a dramatic change in how I was

before Amy had passed and after?

I did feel there was a change. I think were far more serious.

Really? You were thinking more deeply, yeah.

I think it did affect you, obviously, erm,

because she was so special to you. Mm.

I didn't realise how much Amy's passing affected me,

and it showed.

And I feel like the Dionne then had no idea what was to come, and...

...that's what's quite sad.

It's just sad.

Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Winehouse.

[cheering, applause]

# Meet you downstairs In the bar and heard

# Your rolled up sleeves In your skull T-shirt... #

'In 2008, Amy had done

what no other British female artist had done before,

by winning five awards at the Grammys.'

I do remember the night Amy won the Grammys.

I really, really wanted to go,

but wasn't allowed to go because I had school the next day.

I did see the Grammys. They weren't actually at her house.

When I saw them they were at Management,

but that's typical Amy, all her accolades were never there.

They were either with her mum or her dad or wherever she left them.

'With this achievement, she had a vision to create a label

to help other young artists.'

'And following the viral success of our clip on YouTube,

I was going to be the first person she signed to her label, Lioness.'

[man]Big smile, Dionne. Lovely.

When I met Dionne, she was singing and I went, "Hey, you can sing!"

She's so much better than I was at that age, really.

I mean, just so proud of her, really.

And it's... it's very effortless.

You know, Dionne's only 13.

This is the thing I say to Dionne and her mum all the time,

I'm like, "Listen, Dionne will always have offers."

But at the same time I'm like, I kinda don't want you to

cos I want you to do it all with me.

I don't want anyone else to have you.

The signing was really natural.

"Working" with somebody who's like family,

it didn't feel like a chore or a job.

It just was like, I love what I'm doing

and I'm so lucky to be able to have somebody

who can give me the tools to do it on a great level.

Dionne knows she'll always have my whole support, my whole support.

If she called me up and said, "Amy, d'you think I should do this song?"

I'd be like, "Dionne, you know what song you should do,

you know yourself."

"You know what suits you, you know what you love more,

so do what you love, like, do what you love."

'Someone who worked closely with Amy on Back to Black

was her Chief Engineer, Jon Moon.'

'He also helped me with my first album.'

'As I piece together the memories of that time in my life,

I am keen to see him again.'

Hello, hello. How are you?

I haven't been here in so long. Yeah.

You look well. Thank you.

Always look well. So do you.

I don't think I actually know, like, how did you meet Amy?

Oh, how did I meet Amy? Right, well, erm...

That was here, that was here.

And d'you remember it, like, quite vividly?Vividly.

Really? Vividly.

She came in, red high heels,

and she turned towards me with those eyes and she's like,

"No, no, no, don't want anything posh, just give me a 58."

And slapped the microphone out the way. "OK, I'll give you a 58."

And that's kind of what we used a lot of the time.

She came in for a lot of rehearsals and recordings

and these would go on for days at a time.

This became her home. And in the booth there,

she'd set it up like a lounge, like a living room.Yeah.

# Well, sometimes I go out by myself

# And I look across the water...

She knew who she was and she was not gonna be influenced

by whatever was popping at that time.

And I think that's why everyone loved her so much,

is she was just authentically Amy.

She always used to say, "How can you do things that you don't really feel

or it's not you?"

She just couldn't really hide who she was, it was just there.

# Oh, won't you come on over?

# Stop making a fool out of me... #

Amy was very enthusiastic about things that she loved,

and she talked a lot about you before I met you

and saying what an amazing voice you had,

and, "You've gotta meet Dionne, she's incredible."

She had a vision for you,

and she was so brilliant at sharing that vision.

She put people together in a way that was so insightful,

and I think that came across not just in her music

but in the way she was.

And the way people perceived her, you know?

I think that's one of the things that I found difficult,

the media was.. that was just a millisecond picture

that they took there, you know?

And it just... it never justified how much of a being she was. Yeah.

I was aware of what was happening, but I chose to not look at that

because the Amy that I saw

was always a beautiful, caring, loving person.

Like, I don't care or give a crap

about what everyone else is saying outside

because what I see is this person.

She's just 13 years old

and this is her first appearance on British television.

She's here performing with her godmother, Amy Winehouse.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Dionne Bromfield.

[backing singers]# Ooh, ooh...

# Mama said...

'And the night I felt Amy's care and support towards me the most

was when she decided to use the biggest show on British television

to launch my career.'

# There'll be days like this My mama said

# Mama said, mama said #

Her support felt amazing.

I respected her as a person, but also musically I respected her.

And having that person that I idolised, musically,

guiding me, that's the best training you can get.

Just before we went to do Strictly Come Dancing,

so, like, literally side of stage,

and she was sorting out the ruffles on my dress

to make sure I looked smart.

And she was just like, "Ignore the noise, I'm right there."

"The band are there, they're my band, they're gonna smash it with you."

She was just trying to make me get, you know, ready,

and take away the kind of... the vibe that was around,

which obviously was, "Oh, she's about to do live TV, she's only 13."

"This either could go really well or really, like, bad."

This is, like, the start of what was to come for me musically.

[cheering, applause]

My most memorable moment with Amy, and it's really funny

cos I think most people are gonna expect me to say, like,

"Oh, yeah, when we went on holiday here

and we went to some glitzy thing,"

actually just, like, having a walk round London, just the two of us.

Because that was so unrealistic at a certain point,

because you just couldn't walk down the road without her getting noticed

or someone hassling her, but if you did get that moment,

it was special because you could just walk and talk.

That was my... my most special moment,

just us two walking and talking in, like, the night time of London.

So much of my life was based in and around Camden.

There was a purpose for me being here

but, you know, in the last ten years, a lot's changed,

so there's no real reason to... to come here anymore.

# For you, I was a flame

# Love is a losing game

# Five-storey fire as you came

# Love is a losing game...

She called herself the Queen of Camden, she loved it.

Camden really rubbed off on her and it left its stamp on her,

and she left her stamp on Camden.

So, to have her placed around Camden only kinda feels right.

# And now the final frame

# Love is a losing game #

'But there is one place in Camden

that holds the rawest memories for me.'

I guess this place for me is... well, really, like, poignant

because this is obviously the last time I saw Amy,

and this is actually, like, the first time

I've stood outside it and looked at it.

Probably...probably since I performed here.

'That night, Amy came up on stage with me.'

'It was incredible.'

'But three days later, she died.'

'This journey is helping me deal with things I have buried really deep.'

'But I don't feel ready to go back in here yet.'

.

.

'On the 23rd of July, 2011,

I lost my godmother, Amy Winehouse, and the world lost an icon.'

[newsreader] 'Later, the singer's goddaughter visited her home

where a shrine has been building since Saturday.'

'Dionne Bromfield was the last person to perform with Amy,

just days before her death.'

'And so, despite a life played out in the public arena,

it was a very private one that said goodbye to Amy Winehouse.'

Obviously, it's always hard when you lose someone close to you,

but when you lose someone and it's, like, worldwide news,

then that must be even more difficult. No, definitely.

And I was actually in Wales at the time supporting The Wanted.

Obviously I was in the dressing room, but my mum and Jevan,

who was Amy's PA, didn't, erm...

They found out about an hour or so before I found out,

but they didn't wanna tell me.

I was in Wales performing.

It was, like, in the middle of this field,

cos I was getting ready for a gig,

and I knew something had changed

because everyone's atmosphere changed.

Everyone just kind of, like, started becoming extremely quiet.

And everyone was usually, like, quite pumped

to go and do the show or whatever.

And I got the news that she'd passed...

and it didn't really make sense.

Maybe I didn't wanna believe it, maybe I was just like,

"Can't be true. Saw her three days ago, what you talking about? No."

'Someone that could help me make sense of that exact time

was Amy's personal assistant and good friend, Jevan.'

' When I started touring, Amy asked him specifically to look after me.'

It's been ten years since Amy's passing.

Me and you were around each other a lot.

We experienced a lot together, so you're probably one of

a certain amount of people who can really give a good insight to it.

Yeah, I remember get... looking at my phone,

and my first thought was protect you.

I didn't want you to have any idea,

especially because you were about to go on stage,

and it was just you and I in the room at this point

and I was, like, adamant that I wouldn't look at you.

It's weird because you didn't have to say anything, I just felt something.

It's like almost the room went cold.

Yeah. And I just remember, erm...

It wasn't like... I was fine, like, I could've kept the facade up

for as long as it needed to be kept up,

but then I remember feeling your hand on my shoulder.

It's when you touched me that I just felt this, like,

overwhelming sense of, like, guilt, because I just felt like

I'm trying to hide this, like, massive thing from you,

and I couldn't help but cry.

And then you were like, "It's Amy, isn't it?" Or whatever.

I was just like, "I have to tell you."

Then the tour manager came in, he was like, "D'you wanna leave?"

I think we all kind of... almost reverted to being children

and you took the adult role

cos you were like, "Everybody just chill."

"No, we're gonna, you know, fulfil this commitment'.Mm.

And then, unfortunately, because someone had an iPad there

and one of the boys had been looking at the Daily Mail website

and they had, like... were pulling out her body from the house

and it was, like, the front page,

and I remember seeing that and it was just a bit like, "What?'

So it was like almost I was still waiting for someone to say, like...

Oh, yeah. "You've just been punked." Like...

A sick punk it would've been, but, like, I was expecting that.

And, like, even going on stage, I remember, like,

I just couldn't do any of the, like, routines.

My body was just like...

My mouth was singing and I kinda was looking at people

and I remember people in the audience kind of...

They were just becoming aware of it

and people were looking at their phones and then kind of like,

"Oh, my God..."

And then looking at me and it was just like...

You're just existing.

I always wish I was slightly older when Amy was alive,

because I feel like the conversations we potentially could've had

could've been a little bit more deeper, erm...

...in regards to addiction and stuff like that.

I was aware she was struggling with things,

but I don't think she probably wanted to have heard it

from a younger person, much younger as well.

Because I know that's a side of her that she didn't want me to see.

That's like with you, I'd never...

Amy never used in front of me, I never witnessed that.

Yeah, as mad as it sounds,

she's probably a lot more responsible than the public image

that was painted of her gave off, you know?

I know a lot of people within the industry, sadly,

who are suffering with addiction.

However, they've been able to kind of

fight their demons in private almost

because there was no limelight shining on that particular person.

But in our case, it was everywhere. Yeah.

Like, you couldn't turn without seeing something.

I do wish either of us potentially had a conversation earlier,

even if it was two years after she passed...

...but it probably wasn't the right moment.Yeah.

What was most surprising for me was the fact that he was feeling

the same sort of things that I was feeling.

And that's why it's like,

I wish we both had come and spoken to each other a little bit more sooner

because we both were feeling the exact same things

but we both just wouldn't mention it,

which is, like, wild really to me because...

...it would've took a lot of pressure off of the pair of us.

'Meeting Jevan has got me thinking about the last time I saw Amy

and the experience I shared with her.'

This picture is actually the last picture

that I've got of myself and Amy,

and this was three days before she passed.

This is backstage in my dressing room.

Little did I know that this would be the last actual picture

that I would have of myself and her.

Or that this would be the last time I saw her.

Amy loved life too much.

She wasn't somebody that was, like, gonna give it up that easily.

This is not somebody who...

...got themselves off of drugs three years prior

and never touched it again.

To me, that's not a woman that doesn't wanna be alive.

It's still really baffling,

because to me, this was, like, the healthiest I'd ever seen her

and she was, like, beaming.

I can't explain it, but all I can say is

it's like she was shining so bright

that maybe it just had to burst.

And it was really hard for me to comprehend

that she was so well,

but yet three days later, something so tragic happened.

It was really hard to... to register that.

'Now at 25, I realise Amy was shielding me

from a lot of the things she was struggling with.'

'I wanna hear from other young people who have lost someone to addiction

and learn from them.'

'We are all meeting for the first time, but share similar experiences.'

Hi, guys.

Hi.Hello. How are you?

I've been really going on a journey addressing Amy, my godmother.

It's been ten years since she's passed and I'd say in the last year,

I've only really started to accept and acknowledge

the fact she's not here.

And also, like, all the emotions that I'd kind of bottled up

and just thrown them, you know, to the back of my head,

I've started to really bring them to light.

So it'll be really interesting to see how you guys

coped with grief or addiction.

I think I was about 12

when I realised that my dad had a drinking problem.

So I was aware of it.

But it's always kind of, you know, pushed under the carpet, no one...

...no one likes to discuss addiction.No.

When you're young, people don't talk to you about it,

in some way trying to protect you,

but you see it, like, you know,

and in some way it makes it even harder to place it

because you're seeing this thing but you have no context to understand,

"Is this person an addict? Do they need to stop?"

"Do I need to be begging them and screaming at them to stop?"

[sighs] It's... it's hard because...

...I never really saw her... drunk, if I'm being completely honest.

I never actually did see her drunk.

But then I could pick up a newspaper and see something,

and to me it was almost like two different worlds.

It took her death for me to realise that the drink was really that bad.

I don't want to talk about her and call her an alcoholic...

...but...

...she was. D'you know what I mean?

She was more than that,

but at the same time I have to accept that it was also what it was.

But it shouldn't be a shameful label.

You know, just like disability. Yeah.

That is a part of you, yeah, but it's not who you are.

You know, there's so much more.

But it's like embracing that side of her

because at the end of the day, she is a whole person.

I never really admitted that I felt a bit embarrassed sometimes,

because there's such a stigma around addiction.

So, hearing some of those guys mention that they've also, you know,

parents or loved ones were addicted too,

it goes to show, "Oh, like, I'm not..."

"I'm not the only one. You guys felt this too."

And also they shared similar kinda feelings.

I wish I'd done this earlier, but my one thing that I've taken from this,

it's never too late to actually talk to people.

.

.

[man]Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Amy Winehouse!

[music playing, cheering]

# You tried to make me go to rehab

# I said no, no, no

# Yes, I've been black But when I come back

# You'll know, know, know

# I ain't got the time

# But if my daddy thinks I'm fine... #

'The last few weeks have been a roller coaster.'

'I am revisiting my past with Amy through adults eyes now,

but I need to make sense of it all

and I still have unanswered questions.'

'I think meeting an expert will give me some perspective

and maybe even help me with some of the challenges I have.'

I'm going to see a grief specialist, Andy.

This for me, this is the first time

I've ever really spoken to anyone one-on-one in ten years

about how I felt.

I'm a little bit nervous, I'm not gonna lie. But right now,

I feel like this is actually one of the most important things to do.

D'you wanna take a seat, Dionne? Yeah.

[sighs] Super.

I mean, if I'm being really honest, I've found it really, really hard

to kind of address certain feelings, situations,

or understand why I feel certain ways.

But my coping mechanism was kind of,

I have to show everyone that I'm being strong,

and why would I be upset? Like, it is what it is.

That's how I... I kind of dealt with things.

So on one hand, you're sort of denied the possibility of grieving

how you've wanted to grieve. Yeah.

Like, almost not had permission,

and also at the same time, there's pressures on you to be strong

and to be a particular way. Yeah.

For months, I would not cry. I didn't cry for a long, long time

cos I just didn't feel like it needed to come,

and then I remember, like, three, four months down the line

that I just burst into tears because it just all got to me

and it was... the trigger that got me was I saw something

and I was like, "Amy would find that funny."

And I remember, I went to go and, like, call her,

and it was, "I can't do that."

And from then,

I couldn't listen to any of her music for years.

I didn't like seeing stuff online that was written about her still.

Videos.

And it was all from that moment of me wanting to pick up the phone

to call her about something and realising I actually can't.

I mean, a lot of people say, "How can I get over this?"

"How can I no longer feel like this?"Mm.

And actually, it's not so much about getting over

or closing a relationship or stopping that.

It's actually about how do we stay connected

with the memories of the person who's died.

'I'm glad I met Andy.'

'He's helped me put things into perspective

and reminded me that it's not about closing this chapter,

but embracing everything Amy left me with.'

And I guess this is probably, like, one of my most prized possessions

that Amy had given me, and it was a pinkie ring that was hers,

with a gold chain.

And I will really, like, only wear this

when I'm doing things that are, like, special.

I don't really wear it every single day.

I feel like this is almost like a bit of a, like, a blanket.

It instantly reminds me of her.

This guitar she wrote a bit of Frank on, and she gifted this to me, so...

This is a baby blue Fender Strat,

and it's the original strings, everything.

You can even see the discolouration where it's so old.

It means a lot that she gave this to me.

She probably would be, like, cussing me right now,

at the fact that I have not learnt properly how to play.

This is a dress here that she wore

for a gig that she done at Somerset House,

and then I was shooting a music video and I just didn't like anything,

and I said it to her and she was like, "Here."

And then she pulled it out of her wardrobe, like, "Take this."

If you love someone, you know their smell.

Amy used to wear this raunchy perfume that if I smell it,

I'm like, "That reminds me of Amy."

And it's kind of this, I... Just by feeling it,

you kind of feel like you're feeling her a bit.

It's like this piece of fabric holds so many memories.

'Dealing with Amy's loss was never going to be easy,

and opening up to all the people I have met

has given me a final shot of confidence

to face returning to the Roundhouse.'

'The last place I saw Amy alive.'

'And now, it's time for me to go back inside.'

So, when I was last here,

which was the 23rd of July which was Roundhouse,

I remember this so well actually because there was, like,

some Portakabins there which were like...

We had our backstage dressing room

but we had also a dressing room out here as well,

and this is where me and Amy, we chatted for ages

and, you know, it was really, really nice, we just had loads of fun.

It was actually the last place that I actually ended up seeing her.

It feels strange because I haven't... I haven't set foot back in here.

It's mixed emotions. Right now I feel really happy and I...

It brings back such good memories.

But it's also...

...a little bit tarnished by obviously what then happened.

Erm, and also a little bit confusing because the night was so amazing,

it's just like, how... how did we go from, you know,

three days earlier before she passed,

this amazing night where she was beaming, everything was good,

she was on stage dancing, happy, you know.

A proper, like...

...bright moment in life really.

She just, like, ran up and hugged me and was just like...

Just really happy. She was like, "I'm so happy, I'm so proud'.

And I remember she said to me,

"Who would've thought you'd be singing in Camden

with me in the Roundhouse? Crazy, right?"

She did have a vision for me.

I think I definitely knew what I wanted to do, but she...

...she wanted bigger things.

And that's why I'm so appreciative and I'm so glad

that I actually, this night, said to her, like,

"Thank you so much for everything." And I'm so glad I said it.

Because I probably would, like... that would haunt me to this day

if I never was able to say, like, thank you.

I came into this not really knowing where this journey would take me.

I knew I had to go back to go forward.

Ultimately,

Amy was a person that wanted to make sure I was good.

And to be completely honest, I wasn't good

because I hadn't addressed certain things that needed to be addressed.

And by not letting Amy rest by talking about her still.

That was a big, big worry for me.

I felt very held back because of her passing

and I felt like I wasn't really able to say how I really felt.

I feel more content speaking about her,

and actually now, when I do think of her and when I have spoken about her,

I think of positive things.

Her legacy is so much more than just her music.

Her image. Her wittiness.

Her rudeness. [laughs]

I think it's... it's a package thing.

And I think if you were able to have experienced it...

...then you're lucky. You're very, very lucky.

And I also think no one will ever be able to touch it.

There'll only be one Amy. I know that for sure.

.