Original subtitles

It's great seeing you again. This is a big night. The

again. This is a big night. The fans want you, everyone wants

fans want you, everyone wants you, but it's not your night.

You, but it's not your night. Sorry, drew. Brady?

Sorry, drew. Brady? Yeah, coach?

Yeah, coach? You're in. Let's go.

You're in. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. You fucking kidding me?

You fucking kidding me? Again?

Now, live from the Netflix is a joke festival. It's the

is a joke festival. It's the greatest roast of all time.

Greatest roast of all time. Let's bring in the man bravest

let's bring in the man bravest to step into the arena with the

to step into the arena with the goat. Get on your feet for the

goat. Get on your feet for the one and only Kevin hart! [

one and only Kevin hart! [ Music

one and only Kevin hart! [ Cheering

one and only Kevin hart!

Yeah! You have to do better than

you have to do better than that, Los Angeles. Make some

that, Los Angeles. Make some noise! [ Cheering

that, Los Angeles. Make some noise!

I love this. I love this. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Down. Sit down. Sit down. Welcome. Welcome, guys. I want

welcome. Welcome, guys. I want to say good evening and more

to say good evening and more importantly, I want to welcome

importantly, I want to welcome you to the greatest roast of

you to the greatest roast of all time. Understand what I

all time. Understand what I just said. The greatest roast

just said. The greatest roast of all time. There you go.

Of all time. There you go. That's what I want. That's

that's what I want. That's what I want. Guys, we are here

what I want. Guys, we are here to roast the greatest

to roast the greatest quarterback of all time. [

quarterback of all time. [ Cheering

quarterback of all time. Yeah. Wait, Joe

Yeah. Wait, Joe Montana's here? Is it Joe

Montana's here? Is it Joe Montana or is it... okay, well,

Montana or is it... okay, well, you know what, guys, we're

you know what, guys, we're live. If it's not Joe Montana,

live. If it's not Joe Montana, then it should be worded

then it should be worded differently. If it's Tom

differently. If it's Tom Brady, then we should say we're

Brady, then we should say we're talking about one of the

talking about one of the greatest to do it, not the

greatest to do it, not the greatest. The greatest is Joe

greatest. The greatest is Joe Montana. Okay, that's good.

Montana. Okay, that's good. That's good. That's good.

That's good. That's good. Okay. All right. Corrections

okay. All right. Corrections are made. Guys, we are live. We

are made. Guys, we are live. We are live here in engelwood at

are live here in engelwood at the kia forum, the legendary

the kia forum, the legendary kia forum. It's a lot of

kia forum. It's a lot of history attached to this place,

history attached to this place, man. A lot of greatness has

man. A lot of greatness has happened in this building. This

happened in this building. This is the home of the original

is the home of the original show time Lakers, man. Jerry

show time Lakers, man. Jerry bus. Yes. Yes. You know, a lot

bus. Yes. Yes. You know, a lot of people don't know the real

of people don't know the real reason behind the name show

reason behind the name show time, right? It's not because

time, right? It's not because of like magic and karim and

of like magic and karim and their play. They call this

their play. They call this place showtime because Jerry

place showtime because Jerry bus used to show everybody his

bus used to show everybody his dick in this building. This is

dick in this building. This is where Jerry pulled his dick

where Jerry pulled his dick out. A lot of nasty shit has

out. A lot of nasty shit has happened in this building. A

happened in this building. A lot of fucking has happened in

lot of fucking has happened in the forum. That's what they

the forum. That's what they called it. The fucking forum is

called it. The fucking forum is what they called it. I wish I

what they called it. I wish I had a blacklight right now, so

had a blacklight right now, so you can see all the cum stains

you can see all the cum stains sitting on these nasty ass

sitting on these nasty ass seats. It's a nasty place. [

seats. It's a nasty place. [ Laughter

seats. It's a nasty place. That's right.

Seats. It's a nasty place. That's right. You

That's right. You better get comfortable being

better get comfortable being uncomfortable, baby. Now right

uncomfortable, baby. Now right now you guys are probably

now you guys are probably asking yourself. You're saying

asking yourself. You're saying why didn't we go to the

why didn't we go to the crypto. Com arena downtown?

Crypto.com arena downtown? Well, the reason we didn't go

well, the reason we didn't go there is we didn't want to

there is we didn't want to remind Tom's fans how much

remind Tom's fans how much money he owes them. He fucked

money he owes them. He fucked those people. Tom fucked those

those people. Tom fucked those people. Yes, he did. He fucked

people. Yes, he did. He fucked them good, didn't he? Wow. Tom

them good, didn't he? Wow. Tom brought Boston with him

brought Boston with him tonight. Holy shit. Look at

tonight. Holy shit. Look at this. Goddam. I've never seen

this. Goddam. I've never seen engelwood so white. Jesus

engelwood so white. Jesus Christ. [ Laughter

engelwood so white. Jesus Christ.

Engelwood so white. Jesus Christ. It's so

Christ. It's so fucking white out there. Jesus

fucking white out there. Jesus Christ. It used to be home of

Christ. It used to be home of the Lakers. Now it's home of

the Lakers. Now it's home of the quakers. What the fuck is

the quakers. What the fuck is going on? This is so bad. Tom

going on? This is so bad. Tom is going to have to kick those

is going to have to kick those racist jokes tonight. He's

racist jokes tonight. He's going to have to kick them.

Going to have to kick them. It's going to be hard. I saw

it's going to be hard. I saw the white water fountain in the

the white water fountain in the back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck

back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck you, Tom. [ Laughter

back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck you, Tom. All

you, Tom. All right, I'm just going to keep

right, I'm just going to keep randomly saying fuck you, Tom.

Randomly saying fuck you, Tom. The good thing about the

the good thing about the bathroom, the whole situation

bathroom, the whole situation will be fine. It will be

will be fine. It will be settled. But guys, there's

settled. But guys, there's good parts to the show tonight.

Good parts to the show tonight. I'll tell you what the good

I'll tell you what the good parts are. The good parts are

parts are. The good parts are attached to Tom Brady. Now

attached to Tom Brady. Now before I cut his legs out.

Before I cut his legs out. Before I take what he has

before I take what he has underneath him, I actually want

underneath him, I actually want to give him some ground to

to give him some ground to stand on, okay? I actually want

stand on, okay? I actually want to address the fact that Tom

to address the fact that Tom Brady truly is the goat. Let's

Brady truly is the goat. Let's talk about this man's success.

Talk about this man's success. Let's talk about it. Let's

let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. 23 seasons,

talk about it. 23 seasons, seven super bowl wins, seven!

Seven super bowl wins, seven! Yes. A three-time NFL mvp.

Yes. A three-time NFL mvp. Goddam. Guys, hearing me say it

goddam. Guys, hearing me say it is one thing, but you're

is one thing, but you're actually seeing it for yourself

actually seeing it for yourself is another. Take a look.

And we're about set to go, 110,000 settling in here at

110,000 settling in here at historic Michigan stadium. Take

historic Michigan stadium. Take a look at Tom Brady from

a look at Tom Brady from Michigan. The most underrated

Michigan. The most underrated college quarterback in the

college quarterback in the country. The crowd is on its

country. The crowd is on its feet. Brady takes the snap,

feet. Brady takes the snap, draws back to throw, fires.

Draws back to throw, fires. Touchdown, patriots. What a

touchdown, patriots. What a throw from Tom Brady. Let's go!

The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer.

Many men feel a kind of twisted pride and cynicism. It's not

pride and cynicism. It's not the critic that counts. It's

the critic that counts. It's not the man who points out, but

not the man who points out, but how the strong man stumbles.

How the strong man stumbles. The credit belongs to the man

the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.

Who is actually in the arena. Who strives. Whose face is by

who strives. Whose face is by sweat, dust, and blood. Again

sweat, dust, and blood. Again and again.

And again. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. Tom Brady took a tremendous

Tom Brady took a tremendous hit.

Hit. But if he fails, at least he

but if he fails, at least he fails.

Fails. The thing we know about

the thing we know about Brady is that a comeback is

Brady is that a comeback is always possible.

Always possible. So that his place shall

so that his place shall never be, those cold and timid

never be, those cold and timid souls, neither know victory nor

souls, neither know victory nor defeat.

[ Music

Ladies and gentlemen, please get on your goddam feet, and

get on your goddam feet, and right now help me welcome the

right now help me welcome the fucking goat. The best

fucking goat. The best quarterback ever to do it, Tom

quarterback ever to do it, Tom Brady! [ Cheering

quarterback ever to do it, Tom Brady!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank

you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. All right. Are you guys ready? [ Cheering

thank you. All right. Are you guys ready?

Guys ready? Because I am. It's game time.

Because I am. It's game time. Let's go.

All right. All right. Tom, get all your guys settled down.

Get all your guys settled down. That's right, it's go time.

That's right, it's go time. What a crazy night, Tom.

What a crazy night, Tom. Crazy.

Crazy. It's finally here, man.

It's finally here, man. It's finally here. You know,

it's finally here. You know, Tom, this is crazy because for

Tom, this is crazy because for more than 20 years, time has

more than 20 years, time has ruled Sunday for football fans

ruled Sunday for football fans all over the country. All over

all over the country. All over the country. But tonight,

the country. But tonight, tonight or tonight we're going

tonight or tonight we're going to ruin yours, Tom. I'm going

to ruin yours, Tom. I'm going to ruin your fucking Sunday. We

to ruin your fucking Sunday. We are here, we are here to honor

are here, we are here to honor this man tonight. Man, there's

this man tonight. Man, there's a room full of friends and

a room full of friends and family. I'm looking around.

Family. I'm looking around. It's insane. I want to let you

it's insane. I want to let you know, Tom, off the back because

know, Tom, off the back because that's not why I'm here. I'm

that's not why I'm here. I'm not here for your support. I'm

not here for your support. I'm here for the money. They paid

here for the money. They paid me well, right? Let's just get

me well, right? Let's just get that out. They paid me very,

that out. They paid me very, very well, Tom. I'm also here

very well, Tom. I'm also here to do a little promo hits here

to do a little promo hits here and there. I'm on tour. It's

and there. I'm on tour. It's called acting my age. Go to

called acting my age. Go to kevinhartnation.Com. It's a

kevinhartnation.com. It's a live audience. Why would I not

live audience. Why would I not take advantage of this moment,

take advantage of this moment, Tom? It's not about you. Fuck

Tom? It's not about you. Fuck you. It's the second of Kevin.

You. It's the second of Kevin. Now I think we do have to

now I think we do have to track, Tom, where you are in

track, Tom, where you are in your life right now, man. I

your life right now, man. I want to congratulate you, Tom,

want to congratulate you, Tom, because a peaceful life is what

because a peaceful life is what you're now living and that's

you're now living and that's a big deal. A big deal. It's

a big deal. A big deal. It's been two years, two years since

been two years, two years since Tom's gotten divorced, right?

Tom's gotten divorced, right? Two years. Two years. And since

two years. Two years. And since then, since then, Tom has been

then, since then, Tom has been fucking. He's been fucking,

fucking. He's been fucking, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Tom's been putting that

Tom's been putting that two-inch two to work. Yep, yep.

Two-inch two to work. Yep, yep. Yes, he has. Tom's been

yes, he has. Tom's been fucking so much that his dick

fucking so much that his dick has cte. Yeah. Yeah. Most

has cte. Yeah. Yeah. Most people get stds, Tom gets ctes,

people get stds, Tom gets ctes, yeah, it's the difference.

Yeah, it's the difference. Good for you though, Tom. By

good for you though, Tom. By the way, single life is what

the way, single life is what you deserve because you had no

you deserve because you had no choice. Gisele gave you an

choice. Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said you

ultimatum. Gisele said you retire or we're done. That's

retire or we're done. That's what she said to you, Tom. You

what she said to you, Tom. You retire or we're done. Let me

retire or we're done. Let me tell you something. When you've

tell you something. When you've got a chance to go 8 in 9, and

got a chance to go 8 in 9, and all it will cost you is your

all it will cost you is your wife and kids, you've got to do

wife and kids, you've got to do what the fuck you've got to

what the fuck you've got to do. Do you understand me? Yeah.

Do. Do you understand me? Yeah. You've got to do it. You've

you've got to do it. You've got to do it. You know what

got to do it. You know what that's called, Tom? You know

that's called, Tom? You know what that's called? That's

what that's called? That's called real nigga shit. That's

called real nigga shit. That's what it's called, Tom. Yes,

what it's called, Tom. Yes, Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. [

Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. [ Laughter

Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. Yeah. You asked

Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. Yeah. You asked me

Yeah. You asked me to come here, bitch. I told you

to come here, bitch. I told you what I was going to do. This is

what I was going to do. This is also a good time to say man, I

also a good time to say man, I love the fact you and Gisele

love the fact you and Gisele are finding a way to co-parent

are finding a way to co-parent and still keep it together,

and still keep it together, man. Gisele is here supporting

man. Gisele is here supporting you tonight. But just for full

you tonight. But just for full transparency, she came as

transparency, she came as Antonio brown's plus one. How

Antonio brown's plus one. How is that? What? What? What? What

is that? What? What? What? What did I say? What did I say? I'm

did I say? What did I say? I'm just here to have a good time.

Just here to have a good time. Before you can get comfortable,

before you can get comfortable, you've got to get

you've got to get uncomfortable. I'm removing

uncomfortable. I'm removing the discomfort from this room.

The discomfort from this room. Speaking of discomfort, let's

speaking of discomfort, let's talk about bill belichick for a

talk about bill belichick for a second. Tom, just a good

second. Tom, just a good Segway, man. You know, the

Segway, man. You know, the world knows you left bill

world knows you left bill belichick high and dry, man.

Belichick high and dry, man. You left him, and then you went

you left him, and then you went to tampa and you won a

to tampa and you won a championship. Holy shit. Holy

championship. Holy shit. Holy shit. You left bill belichick

shit. You left bill belichick with Mac Jones. God damn. Oh,

with Mac Jones. God damn. Oh, you fucked him. You fucked him

you fucked him. You fucked him good. You did. You did, Tom.

Good. You did. You did, Tom. You fucked your coach. But let

you fucked your coach. But let me tell you something, people.

Me tell you something, people. Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something. That's what you've got to do

that's what you've got to do to maintain your happiness. Do

to maintain your happiness. Do you understand? You sometimes

you understand? You sometimes got to fuck your coach. You

got to fuck your coach. You know who else fucked that

know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that

coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man. Nope, nope. Listen.

Karate man. Nope, nope. Listen. What? What? [ Laughter

karate man. Nope, nope. Listen. What? What?

What an idiot. Why would you do this? What an idiot. All right.

This? What an idiot. All right. I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One

I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks

of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you

ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight

not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day.

Fucking karate classes a day. Eight karate classes a day.

Eight karate classes a day, and she is still... fuck, Tom. The

she is still... fuck, Tom. The only bruises she has weren't on

only bruises she has weren't on her ass. Everybody should have

her ass. Everybody should have known it. All right, you got to

known it. All right, you got to get uncomfortable. Oh my god,

get uncomfortable. Oh my god, the scariest part about this,

the scariest part about this, guys, if we have any problems,

guys, if we have any problems, I'm worried for you. Jesus

I'm worried for you. Jesus Christ, you can't lose any

Christ, you can't lose any fight to the bonus dad. Kids

fight to the bonus dad. Kids are going to have to change

are going to have to change their name to the guy knows

their name to the guy knows karate. I can't help this guy.

Karate. I can't help this guy. Everybody is asking the same

everybody is asking the same question right now and that

question right now and that question is who the fuck are

question is who the fuck are these people behind me? Um,

these people behind me? Um, here is a good time to tell you

here is a good time to tell you the truth. We're live. We told

the truth. We're live. We told you guys there would be a lot

you guys there would be a lot of super stars here tonight,

of super stars here tonight, but there aren't. It's just

but there aren't. It's just me. Outside of me, you've got

me. Outside of me, you've got me, you've got a bunch of out

me, you've got a bunch of out of shape athletes, some

of shape athletes, some horrible podcasters. And one

horrible podcasters. And one whore. There is one whore here.

Whore. There is one whore here. All right? What? What? Now this

all right? What? What? Now this gas is going to be filled with

gas is going to be filled with energy and great jokes. I want

energy and great jokes. I want you to know I'm quarterbacking

you to know I'm quarterbacking this bitch tonight. With that

this bitch tonight. With that being said, that means I've

being said, that means I've got a lot of guns with a lot of

got a lot of guns with a lot of ammo. It's how the roasts

ammo. It's how the roasts work. They come up here and

work. They come up here and talk about Tom, and they will

talk about Tom, and they will take shots at me. I want to let

take shots at me. I want to let you guys know, I've got two

you guys know, I've got two full fucking clips. Now you

full fucking clips. Now you fuck with me if you want, i'm

fuck with me if you want, i'm going to shoot these guns. I

going to shoot these guns. I have no problem shooting these

have no problem shooting these guns. You think i'm

guns. You think i'm bullshitting? Tom, they think

bullshitting? Tom, they think I'm bullshitting. You want to

I'm bullshitting. You want to test shot and see how fast

test shot and see how fast these guns work? Here's a

these guns work? Here's a little test shot. A little test

little test shot. A little test shot. Oh. Chelsea, Chelsea

shot. Oh. Chelsea, Chelsea handler is here. Okay. Hey,

handler is here. Okay. Hey, Chelsea. Chelsea, hey, Chelsea.

Chelsea. Chelsea, hey, Chelsea. Oh, man. Nothing better than

oh, man. Nothing better than seeing my sister. Love her to

seeing my sister. Love her to death. You know, Chelsea, we

death. You know, Chelsea, we had you sitting next to a black

had you sitting next to a black guy, but we changed it only

guy, but we changed it only because we know how you feel

because we know how you feel and ultimately the black dick

and ultimately the black dick matters. You'll fuck a black

matters. You'll fuck a black dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of

dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of black dick, Kim is here

black dick, Kim is here tonight. Hey, Kim. These are

tonight. Hey, Kim. These are just two guns. These are two

just two guns. These are two guns. Kim, I put it down, bop,

guns. Kim, I put it down, bop, bop, no troubles. No fucking

bop, no troubles. No fucking troubles. Leave me alone and

troubles. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Chelsea,

I'll leave you alone. Chelsea, Kim, you're innocent

Kim, you're innocent bystanders. You had nothing to

bystanders. You had nothing to do with it and you didn't

do with it and you didn't deserve it and I apologize.

Deserve it and I apologize. With that being said, guys, to

with that being said, guys, to start a roast, you have to

start a roast, you have to start it off with a bang. And

start it off with a bang. And to do that, you've got to do

to do that, you've got to do it with a roastmaster. A goat

it with a roastmaster. A goat without a butcher is not a

without a butcher is not a goat. Please welcome straight

goat. Please welcome straight from hell, the real killer,

from hell, the real killer, america's roastmaster, Jeff

america's roastmaster, Jeff Ross. [ Cheering

america's roastmaster, Jeff Ross.

Fans, make some noise! [ Cheering

fans, make some noise!

The juice is loose tonight! If the gloves don't fit, you must

the gloves don't fit, you must talk shit. [ Laughter

the gloves don't fit, you must talk shit. What's

talk shit. What's up, patriots? I just came from

up, patriots? I just came from hell. Aaron Hernandez says

hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.

Hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello. Yeah, mother fuckers,

hello. Yeah, mother fuckers, it's a roast. I know how to

it's a roast. I know how to dress like o.J. Because i'm

dress like o.J. Because i'm about to kill this white bitch

about to kill this white bitch right here.

[ Cheering

let's go, Joe. Now give it up for the lord

now give it up for the lord of the super bowl rings, my

of the super bowl rings, my friend, Tom Brady. Yeah!

A man who has so many rings, he could melt them down and forge

could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get

a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu

Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher. You're a legend, Tom.

Teacher. You're a legend, Tom. You really are. You really put

you really are. You really put the jizz in Gisele. Let's

the jizz in Gisele. Let's fucking go! Live on Netflix!

Also live on Netflix this summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson

summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson is boxing a kid half his age.

Is boxing a kid half his age. My prediction, iron Mike is

my prediction, iron Mike is going to kill that baby. It

going to kill that baby. It will be the only legal abortion

will be the only legal abortion in Texas. No fear, this is what

in Texas. No fear, this is what we do. Look at you, Tom Brady.

We do. Look at you, Tom Brady. You're so beautiful. I just

you're so beautiful. I just want to fuck that dimple in

want to fuck that dimple in your chin. Oh. Beautiful. Look

your chin. Oh. Beautiful. Look at you. You look like a vampire

at you. You look like a vampire that only drinks almond blood.

That only drinks almond blood. Tom looks like he bleaches his

Tom looks like he bleaches his asshole just in case. [

asshole just in case. [ Laughter

asshole just in case. Laugh it up, people.

Laugh it up, people. The world needs this. There

the world needs this. There hasn't been a roast in years

hasn't been a roast in years because everyone's chicken,

because everyone's chicken, but not you, Tom. You're not

but not you, Tom. You're not chicken. No way. [ Cheering

but not you, Tom. You're not chicken. No way.

I read your book, your berries and avocados. The tb12 method,

and avocados. The tb12 method, that's your book. Very

that's your book. Very helpful. In fact Kevin hart has

helpful. In fact Kevin hart has been sitting on it all night.

Been sitting on it all night. What an opening. I love you,

what an opening. I love you, Kevin. What an opening. You're

Kevin. What an opening. You're amazing.

I really wanted Kevin to host because he already looks like a

because he already looks like a deflated football.

Kevin hart is the biggest eagles fan. In fact one

eagles fan. In fact one snatched him up in his backyard

snatched him up in his backyard and dropped him off here this

and dropped him off here this afternoon.

When I first walked in, I thought is that Kevin hart or

thought is that Kevin hart or did Randy moss take a knee?

Kevin hart, I love you, man. I really do. You're so goddam

really do. You're so goddam funny. Congratulates on being

funny. Congratulates on being the latest recipient of the

the latest recipient of the prestigious Kennedy center's

prestigious Kennedy center's Mark twain prize for humor.

Mark twain prize for humor. Well deserved, my man.

And surely if Mark twain were around today, he would call you

around today, he would call you... a... a

around today, he would call you... a... a national

around today, he would call you... a... a national treasure.

A... a national treasure. Look at this arena! [ Cheering

look at this arena!

All my friends are here. This is incredible. So many legends

is incredible. So many legends in the room. Dana white, I see

in the room. Dana white, I see you hiding over there. What's

you hiding over there. What's up, Dana? Look at this.

Talk about a legend in the room. Pull back. I want to show

room. Pull back. I want to show you he brought the whole cast

you he brought the whole cast of queer eye. [ Laughter

you he brought the whole cast of queer eye.

Of queer eye. Dana, who are these guys? Are

Dana, who are these guys? Are these guys, are they neutered?

These guys, are they neutered? What the fuck is going on here?

What the fuck is going on here? The sign said no pets, Dana. I

the sign said no pets, Dana. I love you, Dana. You're like

love you, Dana. You're like Michael vick, but with human

Michael vick, but with human beings.

Tom, Tom, your teammates are all here at the beautiful sold

all here at the beautiful sold out Los Angeles forum.

Out Los Angeles forum. Incredible.

By the way forum is also how Rob gronkowski counts to five.

Rob gronkowski counts to five. Four... um... five... um. I

four... um... five... um. I love you, gronk. I love you,

love you, gronk. I love you, gronk. Poor gronk. He thinks

gronk. Poor gronk. He thinks his last name is owski. [

his last name is owski. [ Laughter

his last name is owski. You're one of the

You're one of the greatest, gronk. You're one of

greatest, gronk. You're one of the greatest. They love you. [

the greatest. They love you. [ Cheering

the greatest. They love you.

Of course, growing up it was never even gronk's dream to

never even gronk's dream to play football, but his parents

play football, but his parents figured, hey, he's already

figured, hey, he's already wearing the helmet. Julian, can

wearing the helmet. Julian, can you explain that joke to gronk?

You explain that joke to gronk? Oh man. We're doing it Boston

oh man. We're doing it Boston style tonight, I'm telling you.

Boston style, you know, it's going to be a marathon, and

going to be a marathon, and somebody is going to bomb.

Hey, listen, man, no fear, this is what we do. That's what Tom

is what we do. That's what Tom told me. Thanks for coming in,

told me. Thanks for coming in, Tom, from your new home state

Tom, from your new home state of Florida. We wanted to roast

of Florida. We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of

you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn't be

your governor, we wouldn't be able to call you gay.

What an underdog story, man. Against all odds. It all

against all odds. It all started in San Mateo,

started in San Mateo, California. [ Cheering

started in San Mateo, California. Tom's

California. Tom's mom who is here tonight,

mom who is here tonight, somewhere, where is she? Yeah.

Somewhere, where is she? Yeah. She was in labor with you for

she was in labor with you for 43 hours. Talk about staying in

43 hours. Talk about staying in the pocket. Tom was eventually

the pocket. Tom was eventually drafted 199th in the NFL draft.

Drafted 199th in the NFL draft. He sat there for days waiting

he sat there for days waiting and waiting, and then you were

and waiting, and then you were finally picked in the sixth

finally picked in the sixth round with bill belichick's

round with bill belichick's dog stepped on the keyboard by

dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.

So Tom became a patriot. Moved up to new england. And on the

up to new england. And on the first day of training camp,

first day of training camp, that rookie walked into the

that rookie walked into the owner, Robert kraft's owner,

owner, Robert kraft's owner, and said I'm the best decision

and said I'm the best decision your organization has ever

your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?

I love Robert kraft. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. He's having fun. Look at

he's having fun. Look at him. I love what you do for the

him. I love what you do for the Jews, Robert kraft. You're

Jews, Robert kraft. You're incredible. From that point on

incredible. From that point on everything was a fairy tale

everything was a fairy tale unless you're drew bledsoe,

unless you're drew bledsoe, then it was a total fucking

then it was a total fucking nightmare.

Drew.

Of course, super bowl mvp, Julian edelman is here. Hi,

Julian edelman is here. Hi, Julian.

The greatest Jewish football player of all time. Which is

player of all time. Which is pretty impressive until you

pretty impressive until you realize the guy in second place

realize the guy in second place is me. Tom, I really wanted you

is me. Tom, I really wanted you to be our first goat to be

to be our first goat to be roasted because you're an

roasted because you're an example to future generations.

Example to future generations. That if you work hard, eat

that if you work hard, eat right, film the other team's

right, film the other team's practices, deflate the balls,

practices, deflate the balls, and have the NFL make new rules

and have the NFL make new rules just for you, then you too can

just for you, then you too can be the third most famous guy in

be the third most famous guy in a dunkin' donuts commercial.

A dunkin' donuts commercial. U.S.A., u.S.A., u.S.A.!

Tom, you once told me it was your dream to be roasted, and

your dream to be roasted, and here we are, proving you're not

here we are, proving you're not just a great athlete, you're

just a great athlete, you're also a great sport.

If I ever have a son, I want him to be smart, strong,

him to be smart, strong, driven, just like you, Tom,

driven, just like you, Tom, which is why tonight at the

which is why tonight at the after party, I'm going to try

after party, I'm going to try to fuck your sister. [ Laughter

to fuck your sister. Julie! You're my

to fuck your sister. Julie! You're my number one

Julie! You're my number one draft pick. Let's fucking go!

Draft pick. Let's fucking go! I love you, guys. Thank you,

I love you, guys. Thank you, everybody.

Wow. Wow. Stop being a bitch, Jeff. Sit down. Stop

bitch, Jeff. Sit down. Stop kissing his ass. You okay, you

kissing his ass. You okay, you okay, right, Tom? It was just

okay, right, Tom? It was just jokes. Such a bitch. Guys, make

jokes. Such a bitch. Guys, make sure you guys check out Jeff's

sure you guys check out Jeff's one-man show. It's playing at

one-man show. It's playing at the Hollywood cemetery. I'm

the Hollywood cemetery. I'm not even joking. His career's

not even joking. His career's literally dying. It's dying.

Literally dying. It's dying. If we stop doing these roasts,

if we stop doing these roasts, you will not see Jeff Ross ever

you will not see Jeff Ross ever again. Do you hear me? Save

again. Do you hear me? Save Jeff Ross. Keep the roast

Jeff Ross. Keep the roast going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, such

going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, such a fucking bitch. I heard you

a fucking bitch. I heard you over there, you bitch. Tom, you

over there, you bitch. Tom, you all right? Your hair is so

all right? Your hair is so straight, yeah. You know the

straight, yeah. You know the funny thing? You came out here

funny thing? You came out here trying to act like you were

trying to act like you were upset with o.J., and all that

upset with o.J., and all that little attitude. It's got

little attitude. It's got nothing to do with o.J. Jeff

nothing to do with o.J. Jeff Ross, you're mad about the

Ross, you're mad about the fact it was a waiter who got

fact it was a waiter who got killed who brings out food, you

killed who brings out food, you fat fuck. It's one less waiter

fat fuck. It's one less waiter on the streets. That's what

on the streets. That's what you're upset about. Fucking

you're upset about. Fucking Jeff Ross. Just keep the roast

Jeff Ross. Just keep the roast coming, okay? Jeff, what else

coming, okay? Jeff, what else do you have going on? Is there

do you have going on? Is there other shit happening in your

other shit happening in your show?

Show? One man show. I'm on tour

one man show. I'm on tour now.

Now. Take a banana on the ride?

Take a banana on the ride? On tour.

On tour. I wish I could give you a

I wish I could give you a bunch of shit, man, but I

bunch of shit, man, but I actually love you, Jeff. I

actually love you, Jeff. I actually do. Jeff is the only

actually do. Jeff is the only person I see, and every time I

person I see, and every time I see him, he looks thicker. I

see him, he looks thicker. I don't know what's happening.

Don't know what's happening. It's just getting sicker and

it's just getting sicker and sicker, but we can't nail it

sicker, but we can't nail it down. We don't know what it

down. We don't know what it is. All right, guys, coming to

is. All right, guys, coming to the stage right now is a man,

the stage right now is a man, well, a man who was picked

well, a man who was picked first in the NFL draft, and

first in the NFL draft, and last for this roast. Please

last for this roast. Please welcome drew bledsoe. Come on,

welcome drew bledsoe. Come on, drew.

It's a pretty cool stage up here. This reminds me... settle

here. This reminds me... settle down. I've got some jokes to

down. I've got some jokes to tell. This stage is really

tell. This stage is really cool, man. It reminds me of the

cool, man. It reminds me of the first round of the draft. You

first round of the draft. You remember, Randy, you remember,

remember, Randy, you remember, yeah, first round. Pretty cool,

yeah, first round. Pretty cool, right? So look, I've got to

right? So look, I've got to admit I'm a little bit nervous

admit I'm a little bit nervous tonight. I truly am. The last

tonight. I truly am. The last time I was up on stage before

time I was up on stage before Tom Brady, I ended up in the

Tom Brady, I ended up in the hospital for five days, and I

hospital for five days, and I lost my damn job. So real talk,

lost my damn job. So real talk, you know, a lot of people just

you know, a lot of people just assumed that I have a lot of

assumed that I have a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady.

Animosity towards Tom Brady. I'm here to tell you tonight

I'm here to tell you tonight in front of millions of people

in front of millions of people that you're correct. I fucking

that you're correct. I fucking hate him.

I mean... hey, but let's just be honest, a lot of you guys

be honest, a lot of you guys kind of hate him too. I mean

kind of hate him too. I mean who is more hateable than the

who is more hateable than the most successful quarterback of

most successful quarterback of all time? I mean except maybe

all time? I mean except maybe belichick. So there are rumors

belichick. So there are rumors that coach belichick was going

that coach belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out

to be here tonight. Turns out he had some time on his hands.

He had some time on his hands. Hey look. At least when I got

hey look. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.

I was worried he was behind me. Oh look, you know what, Tom

oh look, you know what, Tom invited his one black receiver

invited his one black receiver here tonight.

It's... it's very woke of you, buddy. Very woke. Any way

you, buddy. Very woke. Any way Randy moss is here. [ Cheering

Randy moss is here.

He's a country ass, bass fisherman from West Virginia

fisherman from West Virginia who used to own a Nascar team.

Who used to own a Nascar team. Even your black receivers are

even your black receivers are white dudes. I mean look, come

white dudes. I mean look, come on, his name is Randy. It's the

on, his name is Randy. It's the fucking whitest name since

fucking whitest name since Kevin.

Rob gronkowski's here. He's Tom's favorite tight end.

Tom's favorite tight end who wasn't a murderer.

A lot of people, a lot of people don't know gronk is

people don't know gronk is originally from buffalo.

Originally from buffalo. That's right. He was actually

that's right. He was actually born on a folding table at a

born on a folding table at a bill's tailgate. The weird

bill's tailgate. The weird twist of fate, that's also

twist of fate, that's also where he was conceived.

Apologies to your folks. You know the second best number 11

know the second best number 11 to ever play for the patriots

to ever play for the patriots is here, Julian edelman. Jules

is here, Julian edelman. Jules is... Jules is a true unicorn.

Is... Jules is a true unicorn. He's a short, Jewish receiver,

he's a short, Jewish receiver, but he also played defense.

But he also played defense. Belichick wanted him to play

belichick wanted him to play nickel, he held out for a dime.

Nickel, he held out for a dime. Most of his career highlights

most of his career highlights are just negotiations. So look,

are just negotiations. So look, Tom, I'm really glad that you

Tom, I'm really glad that you enjoyed all this amazing

enjoyed all this amazing success with the team that I

success with the team that I built. Super fucking happy for

built. Super fucking happy for you, bud.

You know, when most people lose their jobs, they start

their jobs, they start drinking. I started a winery.

Drinking. I started a winery. It's called doubleback. It's

it's called doubleback. It's named after what Tom does every

named after what Tom does every time you walk past a mirror.

Time you walk past a mirror. You know this move, right?

You know you do that shit.

You know, my favorite wine is our world class cabernet.

Our world class cabernet. Tom's favorite wine is

Tom's favorite wine is where's the flag?

You know, obviously, buddy, you got really used to not being

got really used to not being touched, right? Just like the

touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage.

So hey, look, buddy, you have more rings than I do, but I

more rings than I do, but I have experienced a couple of

have experienced a couple of things that you will never

things that you will never experience. The feeling of

experience. The feeling of being the number one overall

being the number one overall draft pick in the NFL. And a

draft pick in the NFL. And a 28th wedding anniversary. It

28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.

Yep. That actually was yesterday. Love you, baby. So

yesterday. Love you, baby. So look when I first met Tom, he

look when I first met Tom, he was not the greatest of all

was not the greatest of all time. He was just a sensitive

time. He was just a sensitive pretty boy from San Francisco,

pretty boy from San Francisco, who wouldn't shower with the

who wouldn't shower with the team. And he drove a yellow

team. And he drove a yellow scream Jeep. A yellow fucking

scream Jeep. A yellow fucking Jeep, right? So look, don't

Jeep, right? So look, don't make excuses, dude. It was a

make excuses, dude. It was a yellow fucking Jeep. But look,

yellow fucking Jeep. But look, I am not standing here right

I am not standing here right now saying Tom Brady is gay.

Now saying Tom Brady is gay. I'm not. I'm not saying that.

I'm not. I'm not saying that. But he sure did fuck me. [

but he sure did fuck me. [ Cheering

but he sure did fuck me.

All right, so now I have to be nice and sincere, and I will

nice and sincere, and I will be. Look, man, um, Tommy, I

be. Look, man, um, Tommy, I told you before and I will tell

told you before and I will tell you now in front of millions of

you now in front of millions of people. Incredibly proud of all

people. Incredibly proud of all that you have accomplished.

That you have accomplished. But, no. But I'm far more

but, no. But I'm far more proud of how you've done it.

Proud of how you've done it. You've always been a man of

you've always been a man of true character, and I know

true character, and I know you're going to continue to do

you're going to continue to do great things in the world, and

great things in the world, and I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Now, will you please stay fucking retired? We are sick of

fucking retired? We are sick of this shit. All right, got to

this shit. All right, got to go.

Drew! Boo, ooo. Hey, drew, I don't want to hit you with

don't want to hit you with your shot because I feel like

your shot because I feel like you've been through enough.

You've been through enough. But I just want to add, is it

but I just want to add, is it just me or do you guys feel

just me or do you guys feel like drew has one of those

like drew has one of those faces that you see in the

faces that you see in the walgreens picture frames. You

walgreens picture frames. You know when you go to walgreens

know when you go to walgreens or target or you've got an

or target or you've got an employee of the month face,

employee of the month face, drew. It just looks like you do

drew. It just looks like you do great work wherever you fucking

great work wherever you fucking go. Like man, that guy worked

go. Like man, that guy worked hard. Look at him. Ever since

hard. Look at him. Ever since the Brady shit, he's been here

the Brady shit, he's been here night after night. He's Sam's

night after night. He's Sam's club's best cust... i'm

club's best cust... i'm sorry. The whole time he was

sorry. The whole time he was talking, I was like that looks

talking, I was like that looks like somebody in the employee

like somebody in the employee of the month. He's like ooo.

Of the month. He's like ooo. You guys are all idiots.

You guys are all idiots. Fucking idiots. This is my

fucking idiots. This is my stage. I got the fucking gun.

Stage. I got the fucking gun. You hear me? Fuck you, Tom.

You hear me? Fuck you, Tom. Every once in a while, i'm

every once in a while, i'm just going to tell you that

just going to tell you that just because. And I'm going to

just because. And I'm going to hit you with a couple of shots.

Hit you with a couple of shots. Stop drinking that water

stop drinking that water because you're nervous. Every

because you're nervous. Every once in a while I want you to

once in a while I want you to do me a favor and put a tight

do me a favor and put a tight shot on Tom's face when people

shot on Tom's face when people are talking shit about him. His

are talking shit about him. His lip is shaking. If you can look

lip is shaking. If you can look at it, he just doesn't know

at it, he just doesn't know what they're going to say.

What they're going to say. With that being said, Tom, i'm

with that being said, Tom, i'm going to fuck you up after this

going to fuck you up after this one. You're going to get some

one. You're going to get some more. But this next roaster is

more. But this next roaster is amazing. Guys, it's Nikki

amazing. Guys, it's Nikki glaser and her new comedy

glaser and her new comedy special is called some day

special is called some day you'll die. You know what?

You'll die. You know what? Because it is all about the

because it is all about the guys she fucked without a

guys she fucked without a condom. They're dead. Come on,

condom. They're dead. Come on, Nikki.

Thank you, 15 cent. You really got to hand it to Kevin

really got to hand it to Kevin hart because he can't reach.

Hart because he can't reach. No, Kevin, I love you. No one

no, Kevin, I love you. No one works harder than this man. Do

works harder than this man. Do you know every morning Kevin

you know every morning Kevin wakes up at 4:00 A.M. to make a

wakes up at 4:00 A.M. to make a shitty movie? I love your

shitty movie? I love your movies or I call them short

movies or I call them short films. I'm kidding. I hate

films. I'm kidding. I hate them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I

them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I don't mean to belittle you,

don't mean to belittle you, but you be little, man. Like

but you be little, man. Like you're a tiny guy. Kevin is

you're a tiny guy. Kevin is 5'2, 150 pounds, 155 after

5'2, 150 pounds, 155 after the rock finishes. Thank you.

The rock finishes. Thank you. You're his favorite fleshlight.

You're his favorite fleshlight. Rob gronkowski is not all here.

Rob gronkowski is not all here. Hey, Rob. No, Rob, you're not

hey, Rob. No, Rob, you're not really as dumb as you look and

really as dumb as you look and sound and act and are. He might

sound and act and are. He might be dumber. Is it true you're

be dumber. Is it true you're the first person born with cte?

The first person born with cte? Is that real? No, gronk, I love

is that real? No, gronk, I love you. You put the downs in

you. You put the downs in touchdowns, you really do. You

touchdowns, you really do. You put the special in special

put the special in special teams. You put the tard in Rob

teams. You put the tard in Rob gronkowski is retarded. Sorry.

Gronkowski is retarded. Sorry. Why? I'm so sorry, Rob. You

why? I'm so sorry, Rob. You haven't caught this much heat

haven't caught this much heat since you were microwaved as a

since you were microwaved as a baby. I'm sorry. Jeff, killer

baby. I'm sorry. Jeff, killer set. Congratulates on the

set. Congratulates on the weight loss too, man. It must

weight loss too, man. It must be nice to know that being fat

be nice to know that being fat was what made you disgusting to

was what made you disgusting to look at. Sorry, man. You really

look at. Sorry, man. You really put the ick in ozempic. You

put the ick in ozempic. You look like your pronouns are it,

look like your pronouns are it, that. You look like something

that. You look like something cancer catches. Are you

cancer catches. Are you pickled? I'm confused. The

pickled? I'm confused. The only time Jeff ever got a woman

only time Jeff ever got a woman wet is when she helped roll him

wet is when she helped roll him back into the ocean. I'm sorry.

Back into the ocean. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. Tom,

I'm sorry. I love you. Tom, Bert, I love you too. You're

Bert, I love you too. You're presenting together later like

presenting together later like two peas in each others mouths.

Two peas in each others mouths. Bert, Bert, I love you. You

Bert, Bert, I love you. You know I'm such a fan of your

know I'm such a fan of your joke. It's good. Shirts are

joke. It's good. Shirts are suppose to stay on. But he

suppose to stay on. But he takes it off. So good. Andrew

takes it off. So good. Andrew schulz, you carney face bitch.

Schulz, you carney face bitch. I hate your comedy more than

I hate your comedy more than Kevin hates high fives. I

Kevin hates high fives. I really... now please give it up

really... now please give it up for zero time super bowl

for zero time super bowl champion Randy moss. I'm

champion Randy moss. I'm sorry, Randy. Why don't you a

sorry, Randy. Why don't you a ring? What the hell, man?

Ring? What the hell, man? You're one of the best ever.

You're one of the best ever. Drew bledsoe has a ring. Aaron

drew bledsoe has a ring. Aaron Hernandez had a ring around his

Hernandez had a ring around his neck. Like what's going on?

Neck. Like what's going on? Julian, you have three rings

Julian, you have three rings right now, you squinty high

right now, you squinty high fuck boy. Julian, out of

fuck boy. Julian, out of curiosity, how did you get here

curiosity, how did you get here today? Did you drive or did you

today? Did you drive or did you ride Tom's dick? Which was it?

Ride Tom's dick? Which was it? Because I want to get a ride

because I want to get a ride home on it. But let's get to

home on it. But let's get to the reason we're all here

the reason we're all here tonight. Drew bledsoe. Drew

tonight. Drew bledsoe. Drew bled so Tom could run. But

bled so Tom could run. But drew, I'm going to move on

drew, I'm going to move on from you just like your team

from you just like your team did after you almost died. Tom

did after you almost died. Tom Brady, hi, Tom. Tom Brady, the

Brady, hi, Tom. Tom Brady, the only goat Jeff Ross hasn't

only goat Jeff Ross hasn't tried to fuck. Tom Brady,

tried to fuck. Tom Brady, five-time super bowl mvp, most

five-time super bowl mvp, most career wins, most career

career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven

touchdowns. You have seven rings, well eight now that

rings, well eight now that Gisele gave hers back. Sorry,

Gisele gave hers back. Sorry, Tom. Tom, the only thing dumber

Tom. Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this

than you saying yes to this roast is when you said hey,

roast is when you said hey, babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.

Babe, you should try jiu-jitsu. I think that's got to suck.

I think that's got to suck. Dude. How much would it suck

dude. How much would it suck for Tom, oh my god, just

for Tom, oh my god, just knowing your ex-wife's new

knowing your ex-wife's new boyfriend can beat your ass

boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers. That's got

while eating hers. That's got to be terrible. Oh no. You'll

to be terrible. Oh no. You'll be okay, Tom. Yeah. You're

be okay, Tom. Yeah. You're great. First, you're the

great. First, you're the hottest person I've ever seen

hottest person I've ever seen in my life. I shouldn't be

in my life. I shouldn't be able to talk to you. I can't

able to talk to you. I can't even handle it. You should see

even handle it. You should see this up close. It's insane.

This up close. It's insane. Listen, tonight there's going

listen, tonight there's going to be a lot of jokes about me

to be a lot of jokes about me being like a depraved cum

being like a depraved cum guzzling shut. I do want to say

guzzling shut. I do want to say for the record, I have a

for the record, I have a boyfriend. We've been together

boyfriend. We've been together for ten years. He's the love

for ten years. He's the love of my life. He's here tonight.

Of my life. He's here tonight. He's sitting right over there.

He's sitting right over there. I want to say publicly I would

I want to say publicly I would shoot you in the fucking face

shoot you in the fucking face for a lottery ticket to suck

for a lottery ticket to suck this guy's dick. He's perfect.

This guy's dick. He's perfect. He was on my fantasy team last

he was on my fantasy team last night. My clit has cte now. I

night. My clit has cte now. I would show you, but the NFL is

would show you, but the NFL is making me cover it up. But

making me cover it up. But seriously, Tom. You really are,

seriously, Tom. You really are, I mean you're the best to ever

I mean you're the best to ever play for too long. I mean you

play for too long. I mean you retired, then you came back,

retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I

and then you retired again. I mean I get it. It's hard to

mean I get it. It's hard to walk away from something

walk away from something that's not your pregnant

that's not your pregnant girlfriend. It's tough. Hey.

Girlfriend. It's tough. Hey. To be fair, he didn't know she

to be fair, he didn't know she was pregnant. He just thought

was pregnant. He just thought she was getting fat. And Tom

she was getting fat. And Tom hates fat. I mean you guys know

hates fat. I mean you guys know about his diet program? It is

about his diet program? It is so strict. But if you follow it

so strict. But if you follow it exactly as he does, you too can

exactly as he does, you too can lose your family. And

lose your family. And seriously, you can lose so much

seriously, you can lose so much family. It works. Tom also lost

family. It works. Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how

$30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean

did you fall for that? I mean even gronk was like me, no,

even gronk was like me, no, that's not real money. [

that's not real money. [ Laughter

that's not real money.

Right? You know. Gronk... gronk actually does Bitcoin, which is

actually does Bitcoin, which is where he just chews on a

where he just chews on a handful of nickels. I got to

handful of nickels. I got to go, but I have one more thing

go, but I have one more thing to say, and I promise to keep

to say, and I promise to keep it Kevin hart. To be honest,

it Kevin hart. To be honest, Tom, I didn't really know a

Tom, I didn't really know a ton about your career before

ton about your career before this. I only really started

this. I only really started watching football when Taylor

watching football when Taylor swift said it was okay. But

swift said it was okay. But what I've learned in absolute

what I've learned in absolute awe of you, you were a sixth

awe of you, you were a sixth round draft pick that really

round draft pick that really everyone kind of counted out.

Everyone kind of counted out. No one believed in. Then you

no one believed in. Then you became this, you became the

became this, you became the greatest of all time. And if

greatest of all time. And if I've learned anything, if I've

I've learned anything, if I've learned anything about this man

learned anything about this man is that if you tell Tom Brady

is that if you tell Tom Brady he can't do something, not

he can't do something, not only will he do it, but he'll

only will he do it, but he'll do it the best it's ever been

do it the best it's ever been done. So I'm here to say

done. So I'm here to say tonight, Tom Brady cannot make

tonight, Tom Brady cannot make me cum. Let's fucking go?

Oh my god, Nikki.

For those that are watching at home, this is live, and that

home, this is live, and that was a standing ovation. Well

was a standing ovation. Well fucking deserved. Well

fucking deserved. Well deserved. Goddam, Nikki. Me

deserved. Goddam, Nikki. Me know that's not real money.

Know that's not real money. Oh. Oh, I was sitting next to

oh. Oh, I was sitting next to Rob. He said, after you said

Rob. He said, after you said it, he's like I did. [ Laughter

it, he's like I did.

No, Rob. You can't help, but joke, Rob. She's making fun of

joke, Rob. She's making fun of you. I did know. Awe, I love

you. I did know. Awe, I love Nikki, man. Nikki, here is a

Nikki, man. Nikki, here is a little piece of information

little piece of information about Nikki you didn't know.

About Nikki you didn't know. Nikki is the only one who had a

Nikki is the only one who had a meniscus tear in her pussy.

Meniscus tear in her pussy. This is a true story, but

this is a true story, but she's only out for six weeks,

she's only out for six weeks, Tom. She'll be back. Nikki's

Tom. She'll be back. Nikki's pussy is shaped like gronk's

pussy is shaped like gronk's fleshlight. I know you said 50

fleshlight. I know you said 50 cent has one, but gronk came

cent has one, but gronk came using you, which is good, and

using you, which is good, and he knew that was not real

he knew that was not real pussy, right, gronk? That's a

pussy, right, gronk? That's a good call back is what they're

good call back is what they're called, gronk. Oh my god. Only

called, gronk. Oh my god. Only Nikki could host a show called

Nikki could host a show called fuck boy island and still not

fuck boy island and still not get laid. You know, listen, you

get laid. You know, listen, you know you lost three fuck boys,

know you lost three fuck boys, fuck boys drowned trying to get

fuck boys drowned trying to get off that island. We lost three

off that island. We lost three good fuck boys because of you,

good fuck boys because of you, Nikki and that baggy clit. I'm

Nikki and that baggy clit. I'm sick of it. Yeah, fuck you,

sick of it. Yeah, fuck you, Tom. All right. Nikki, in all

Tom. All right. Nikki, in all seriousness, that was insane.

Seriousness, that was insane. Brilliant writing, brilliant

brilliant writing, brilliant timing. Great set. Great

timing. Great set. Great fucking set. That's the beauty

fucking set. That's the beauty of roasting. That's what it

of roasting. That's what it is. There is an art to it. When

is. There is an art to it. When you get it right, goddam, it's

you get it right, goddam, it's amazing. Guys, we're going to

amazing. Guys, we're going to keep the energy going. Our next

keep the energy going. Our next roast is a black man from west

roast is a black man from west Virginia. Wait, I'm sorry,

Virginia. Wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He's the black man

I'm sorry. He's the black man from West Virginia. Please

from West Virginia. Please welcome to the stage, Randy

welcome to the stage, Randy moss. Come on, Randy.

Now they got me up after these first two acts. I can

these first two acts. I can honestly tell you guys, i'm

honestly tell you guys, i'm nervous. Nikki, that was

nervous. Nikki, that was fabulous. I loved that. But

fabulous. I loved that. But thank you, Kevin. But thank

thank you, Kevin. But thank you, Kevin. You know, we want

you, Kevin. You know, we want to keep it locker room, and

to keep it locker room, and since we are in the locker

since we are in the locker room, you know, you could have

room, you know, you could have probably played linebacker.

Probably played linebacker. Junior junior seau, ladies and

junior junior seau, ladies and gentlemen. No, I've got one.

Gentlemen. No, I've got one. I've got one. All that running

I've got one. All that running you've been doing on

you've been doing on Instagram, we're going to give

Instagram, we're going to give you a midget league running

you a midget league running back's name. Barely Sanders.

Back's name. Barely Sanders. How about that? No, but man,

how about that? No, but man, this shit is too easy, Kevin.

This shit is too easy, Kevin. Get your ass in the back. But

get your ass in the back. But really, but really, I only knew

really, but really, I only knew Rob gronkowski for a little

Rob gronkowski for a little bit, and we bonded over a

bit, and we bonded over a hunting trip. And one thing

hunting trip. And one thing that I really enjoyed about Rob

that I really enjoyed about Rob and his hunting trip was he

and his hunting trip was he brought me back the bird

brought me back the bird without putting his teeth on

without putting his teeth on the bird. So being the good boy

the bird. So being the good boy that he is, you know, I had to

that he is, you know, I had to give him a treat. That's a

give him a treat. That's a good boy, gronk. That's a good

good boy, gronk. That's a good boy. But okay, listen, I played

boy. But okay, listen, I played three seasons with the new

three seasons with the new england patriots, okay. Before

england patriots, okay. Before I... before I got to the new

I... before I got to the new england patriots, I heard or we

england patriots, I heard or we heard about spygate. Then after

heard about spygate. Then after I left, I hear about

I left, I hear about deflategate. So I only got one

deflategate. So I only got one question for you, Tom. Why the

question for you, Tom. Why the fuck did we cheat when I was

fuck did we cheat when I was there? I wanted to cheat too.

There? I wanted to cheat too. My kids always ask me, daddy,

my kids always ask me, daddy, why does everyone have a ring,

why does everyone have a ring, but you? You know how hard it

but you? You know how hard it is to look your kids in the

is to look your kids in the eyes and say they just don't

eyes and say they just don't trust me enough to cheat. So

trust me enough to cheat. So come on, man, how did I miss

come on, man, how did I miss out on the fucking dynasty,

out on the fucking dynasty, Tom? The dynasty. I missed out

Tom? The dynasty. I missed out on it. Well I'll tell you what

on it. Well I'll tell you what you really deflated, Tom, my

you really deflated, Tom, my fucking legacy, dude. Where

fucking legacy, dude. Where would I be if I had a ring,

would I be if I had a ring, okay? Where would I be?

Okay? Where would I be? Everyone was cheating back

everyone was cheating back then. David caught a ball on

then. David caught a ball on the side of his helmet with a

the side of his helmet with a magnet tied to his hand. The

magnet tied to his hand. The New York giants were cheating

New York giants were cheating back then. But everybody out

back then. But everybody out there was cheating. Everybody,

there was cheating. Everybody, but me. So Tom, you remember

but me. So Tom, you remember our first season together?

Our first season together? 16-0? How about those 23

16-0? How about those 23 touchdowns?

Touchdowns? Oh man.

Oh man. That's something I never

that's something I never forget. So since you're

forget. So since you're feeling this way, are you

feeling this way, are you feeling grateful? Nikki said

feeling grateful? Nikki said you have eight. Why don't you

you have eight. Why don't you give me one of those eight? The

give me one of those eight? The first one against the rams.

First one against the rams. That's the one I want. Willie

that's the one I want. Willie mcginest, he played like shit

mcginest, he played like shit in the super bowl against the

in the super bowl against the St. Louis rams. Am I right?

St. Louis rams. Am I right? Where are you at? Hey lonie

where are you at? Hey lonie Paxton, you were the long

Paxton, you were the long snapper to snap the ball for

snapper to snap the ball for the game winning field goal, am

the game winning field goal, am I right? Then you blocked for

I right? Then you blocked for his sorry ass in the first

his sorry ass in the first super bowl. So Tom, that's the

super bowl. So Tom, that's the rings that I want. How about

rings that I want. How about that? All right. So now you

that? All right. So now you giving up a ring to me, that

giving up a ring to me, that will fulfill my dream of

will fulfill my dream of playing with you as a new

playing with you as a new england patriot.

Playing with you as a new england patriot. So Nikki said

england patriot. So Nikki said that you took that one from

that you took that one from Gisele. Maybe, I don't know,

Gisele. Maybe, I don't know, we'll let the fans vote on

we'll let the fans vote on that. You all look on

that. You all look on Instagram. We voted. Randy

Instagram. We voted. Randy moss, should he give me

moss, should he give me Gisele's ring or the first

Gisele's ring or the first super bowl ring that he looked

super bowl ring that he looked like shit in? But gronk has

like shit in? But gronk has four rings. Gronk has four

four rings. Gronk has four rings. But when you open up,

rings. But when you open up, you know when you open up the

you know when you open up the label, you have to check

label, you have to check because it says on the box only

because it says on the box only ages three and up. So really

ages three and up. So really it's a choking hazard, gronk.

It's a choking hazard, gronk. I know. But let me say this,

I know. But let me say this, drew bledsoe was in the

drew bledsoe was in the freaking hospital, and he got a

freaking hospital, and he got a super bowl ring. Tom, Nate

super bowl ring. Tom, Nate ebner, Nate ebner, who the fuck

ebner, Nate ebner, who the fuck is Nate ebner, dude? He has

is Nate ebner, dude? He has three super bowl rings. Mr.

Three super bowl rings. Mr. Kraft, Vladimir putin has a

kraft, Vladimir putin has a ring? So the two guys that

ring? So the two guys that deflated the football... no,

deflated the football... no, you know, I'm sorry. I'm

you know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's a bad example.

Sorry. That's a bad example. They deserved them. They

they deserved them. They deserved them. They deserved

deserved them. They deserved them. Look, before I became a

them. Look, before I became a patriot, you were america's

patriot, you were america's quarterback. Everyone thought

quarterback. Everyone thought you were soft, but I got to see

you were soft, but I got to see your tenacity and how you

your tenacity and how you prepared for the game and you

prepared for the game and you approached the game like a hard

approached the game like a hard hitting linebacker.

Even though we didn't win it all, I still got everything

all, I still got everything that I wanted because I got to

that I wanted because I got to play with the greatest

play with the greatest quarterback has ever lived.

And for three years, we scared the entire national football

the entire national football league. Tom, you're still my

league. Tom, you're still my quarterback even though you did

quarterback even though you did not want me to be your

not want me to be your accomplice. Ladies and

accomplice. Ladies and gentlemen, man, I love this

gentlemen, man, I love this man. He gave me an opportunity.

Man. He gave me an opportunity. You know the story about me

you know the story about me sneaking in the hotel to see

sneaking in the hotel to see him. They told me to come up

him. They told me to come up here for a roast, man, and I

here for a roast, man, and I told them for Tom Brady, man,

told them for Tom Brady, man, I'll come and do anything for

I'll come and do anything for Tom. Thanks for having me, man.

Tom. Thanks for having me, man. I appreciate you guys.

Wow. Wow. Randy moss. Did you hear that, Tom? That man's

you hear that, Tom? That man's fucking hurt. He's hurt. I can

fucking hurt. He's hurt. I can god dam see it. I see the way

god dam see it. I see the way he looks at you. You guys

he looks at you. You guys fucked him over, man. It's

fucked him over, man. It's fucking ridiculous, man. You

fucking ridiculous, man. You goddamn put him in the

goddamn put him in the situation to come up here and

situation to come up here and expose himself like that as a

expose himself like that as a black man. By the way, Randy,

black man. By the way, Randy, there's only three black men

there's only three black men up here, well four. You've got

up here, well four. You've got you, me, Willie, Sam, who else?

You, me, Willie, Sam, who else? What, five? Six? Sorry, no,

what, five? Six? Sorry, no, Sam. I was going down the line,

Sam. I was going down the line, and I swear to god... [

and I swear to god... [ laughter

and I swear to god... does anybody know

Does anybody know Randy moss came up here and

Randy moss came up here and dressed like a public school

dressed like a public school substitute teacher. Jesus

substitute teacher. Jesus Christ. God damn. Randy has

Christ. God damn. Randy has proved black people can be

proved black people can be white trash, right there.

White trash, right there. That's it.

Yeah, let me start drinking. It's going to be long. It's

it's going to be long. It's going to be a long night. Okay,

going to be a long night. Okay, Randy is done. We're going to

Randy is done. We're going to keep it going, guys. Let's keep

keep it going, guys. Let's keep it going, keep it going, keep

it going, keep it going, keep it going, keep it going, keep

it going, keep it going, keep it going, there you go. All

it going, there you go. All right. Guys, next for a very

right. Guys, next for a very special toast, right? This

special toast, right? This toast has to come from somebody

toast has to come from somebody worthy of a moment and such. A

worthy of a moment and such. A special friend and a special

special friend and a special lady, Kim Kardashian. Come on.

Thank you so much, Kevin. Well, thank you.

I know a lot of people make fun of your height... all right,

of your height... all right, all right. All right.

All right. All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. All right, Kevin. I know a

all right, Kevin. I know a lot of people make fun of your

lot of people make fun of your height, but what people don't

height, but what people don't know is you're also pretty

know is you're also pretty mean, which makes you the

mean, which makes you the smallest black dick I've ever

smallest black dick I've ever seen. All right, sorry, guys. I

seen. All right, sorry, guys. I would have written jokes for

would have written jokes for you, but I literally don't

you, but I literally don't know who you are. Okay, but

know who you are. Okay, but I'm really here tonight for

I'm really here tonight for Tom. I wasn't going to come

Tom. I wasn't going to come tonight, but since I'm not

tonight, but since I'm not here as Tom's date, there is

here as Tom's date, there is still a good chance I might.

Still a good chance I might. Speaking of Tom and I dating, I

speaking of Tom and I dating, I know there were some rumors

know there were some rumors that we were, and I never say

that we were, and I never say if we did or not, I would just

if we did or not, I would just release the tape. But I do know

release the tape. But I do know it would never work out. An

it would never work out. An ex-athlete, high cheekbones,

ex-athlete, high cheekbones, silky hair. You remind me too

silky hair. You remind me too much of my step dad now.

Silky hair. You remind me too much of my step dad now. A part

much of my step dad now. A part of me thinks you would want to

of me thinks you would want to try on my clothes. I know the

try on my clothes. I know the transition from the NFL must

transition from the NFL must have been really hard, but I

have been really hard, but I think my step dad is a great

think my step dad is a great example for you. She's one of

example for you. She's one of the best athletes in the world

the best athletes in the world to prove you can do anything in

to prove you can do anything in this next chapter of your life.

This next chapter of your life. You can become a commentator, a

you can become a commentator, a far right republican, or even a

far right republican, or even a strong confident woman. No,

strong confident woman. No, seriously, I think it is so

seriously, I think it is so great the way that you're

great the way that you're showing everyone that even

showing everyone that even after winning seven super

after winning seven super bowls, you can still have a

bowls, you can still have a midlife crisis. Honestly it's

midlife crisis. Honestly it's hard for me to watch people

hard for me to watch people roast you, but I think enough

roast you, but I think enough of my family members have

of my family members have helped defend former football

helped defend former football players.

So I'm just here tonight to support you and celebrate you.

Support you and celebrate you. Retirement isn't easy. It can

retirement isn't easy. It can be a lot like a bad breakup. So

be a lot like a bad breakup. So I'll give you the same advice

I'll give you the same advice that I give all my exes, good

that I give all my exes, good luck knowing the best is behind

luck knowing the best is behind you. Congratulations, Tom.

You. Congratulations, Tom. Cheers, everyone to Tom Brady.

It's good shit, Kim. Give it up for Kim

give it up for Kim Kardashian, everybody. Yes.

Kardashian, everybody. Yes. Beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have

beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have a seat. We're going to auction

a seat. We're going to auction off your seat cushion later to

off your seat cushion later to raise money for erectile

raise money for erectile dysfunction. We're live on

dysfunction. We're live on Netflix. If you're just tuning

Netflix. If you're just tuning in, this is not love on the

in, this is not love on the spectrum. This is hate in the

spectrum. This is hate in the forum. Everybody's here. I've

forum. Everybody's here. I've got so many friends here. Look,

got so many friends here. Look, Marco andretti is here. I bet

Marco andretti is here. I bet you two laid down a lot of

you two laid down a lot of rubber. Does he ever finish

rubber. Does he ever finish first? [ Laughter

rubber. Does he ever finish first? Great job,

first? Great job, Kim. Caitlyn jenner wanted to

Kim. Caitlyn jenner wanted to be here, but she was confused

be here, but she was confused by the tuck roll. It's my

by the tuck roll. It's my honor to bring up our next act.

Honor to bring up our next act. Are you ready, mother fuckers?

Please welcome Bert kreischer, Tom segura, the two bears!

Thank you. Thank you, Jeff for turning this special night

for turning this special night into one more opportunity you

into one more opportunity you couldn't turn down.

Couldn't turn down. God, you are such a fucking

god, you are such a fucking whore. And that's coming from

whore. And that's coming from me, Jeff.

Me, Jeff. Thank you for inviting us to

thank you for inviting us to celebrate the goat wg.

Celebrate the goat wg. Wait, what's that? Wait?

Wait, what's that? Wait? Goat wg?

Goat wg? Greatest of all time white

greatest of all time white guy.

Guy. Awe, fuck yeah.

Awe, fuck yeah. You know, our people don't

you know, our people don't get many days like these

get many days like these anymore.

Anymore. No, we really don't.

No, we really don't. Netflix is hoping some trans

Netflix is hoping some trans amputee skier was popular

amputee skier was popular enough to do this, but instead

enough to do this, but instead they settled for the greatest

they settled for the greatest white guy alive. It's rare

white guy alive. It's rare that they let us have a night.

That they let us have a night. They have taken everything from

they have taken everything from us. Golf, tennis, hockey, and

us. Golf, tennis, hockey, and even baseball, once america's

even baseball, once america's past time isn't even played by

past time isn't even played by Americans now. [ Speaking

Americans now. [ Speaking foreign language

Americans now.

You fucking traitor.

You fucking traitor. But tonight isn't about

but tonight isn't about them. It's about this

them. It's about this incredible white American man.

Incredible white American man. Two solid whites.

Two solid whites. Yeah.

Yeah. And ladies and gentlemen,

and ladies and gentlemen, tonight isn't just about Tom

tonight isn't just about Tom Brady's dream of securing a

Brady's dream of securing a future for white children in

future for white children in this country.

This country. No, it isn't. Tonight is

no, it isn't. Tonight is about celebrating everything

about celebrating everything Tom Brady stands for.

Tom Brady stands for. He is so good looking.

He is so good looking. Oh. He's fucking gorgeous.

Oh. He's fucking gorgeous. Look at his fucking picture.

Look at his fucking picture. [ Laughter

Look at his fucking picture. Who fucking takes

who fucking takes this picture? Was he pregnant?

This picture? Was he pregnant? Fuck!

Fuck! It's fucking gay as shit.

It's fucking gay as shit. He...

He... That's you! That's you.

That's you! That's you. He's also, he is also

he's also, he is also relentless.

Relentless. Oh, you can't tell that guy

oh, you can't tell that guy no. And he has that one thing

no. And he has that one thing that only special men have.

That only special men have. He's HIV positive?

He's HIV positive? No. That was magic, and it

no. That was magic, and it happened right here in this

happened right here in this building. So much fucking. But

building. So much fucking. But what Tom Brady has is that

what Tom Brady has is that killer instinct.

Killer instinct. Which makes Netflix the

which makes Netflix the perfect place for Tom Brady.

Perfect place for Tom Brady. Yes. Because if there's one

yes. Because if there's one thing Netflix loves, it's

thing Netflix loves, it's serial killers.

Serial killers. Don't believe us? Let us

don't believe us? Let us compare him with another famous

compare him with another famous TV. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he's

TV. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he's gorgeous too. I think I might

gorgeous too. I think I might need a new hall pass.

Need a new hall pass. Bundy has so many emotional

Bundy has so many emotional traits that Tom has. Let's take

traits that Tom has. Let's take a look.

A look. Wait, what's this?

Wait, what's this? This is the track list. It

this is the track list. It has helped me understand my

has helped me understand my wife better. And as you can

wife better. And as you can see, Tom Brady checks all the

see, Tom Brady checks all the boxes.

Boxes. Maybe they should call it

maybe they should call it the Brady list?

The Brady list? Believe me, Bert, one day

believe me, Bert, one day they will. Glibness superficial

they will. Glibness superficial charm, Brady's got it.

Charm, Brady's got it. How does a smile just

how does a smile just disappear like that?

Disappear like that? It doesn't end there, Bert.

It doesn't end there, Bert. Grandiose sense of self-worth.

Grandiose sense of self-worth. This mother fucker's got it.

This mother fucker's got it. To be fair, Gisele got half

to be fair, Gisele got half that check.

That check. Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah, that's a good point. Fuck you, is she here? Then

fuck you, is she here? Then shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Brady even has the need for

Brady even has the need for stimulation prone to boredom

stimulation prone to boredom that all the psychos have. I'm

that all the psychos have. I'm retired, you know what, I'm not

retired, you know what, I'm not retired. Tom Brady is 100% a

retired. Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath. He's from northern

psychopath. He's from northern California like the zodiac

California like the zodiac killer.

Killer. He choked a couple of times

he choked a couple of times in new england like the Boston

in new england like the Boston strangler.

Strangler. Yeah.

Yeah. And he chewed up and spat

and he chewed up and spat out the competition just like

out the competition just like dahmer.

Dahmer. What about another Netflix

what about another Netflix documentary, darling Jeffrey

documentary, darling Jeffrey Epstein?

Epstein? Well, he wasn't a serial

well, he wasn't a serial killer. He just had a sex

killer. He just had a sex trafficking ring. Unlike Tom,

trafficking ring. Unlike Tom, it was a ring he earned

it was a ring he earned legitimately without cheating.

He is an ice cold killer. No. That was Aaron

no. That was Aaron Hernandez, Tom's bestie. And

Hernandez, Tom's bestie. And favorite target. Look at this,

favorite target. Look at this, just a couple of goofballs

just a couple of goofballs having a laugh.

Having a laugh. Oh my god.

Oh my god. What?

What? I just realized, it hit me.

I just realized, it hit me. Tom Brady is just like another

Tom Brady is just like another famous not-so-nice guy.

Famous not-so-nice guy. Wait, you mean that

wait, you mean that notorious team leader who was

notorious team leader who was told he wasn't any good, but

told he wasn't any good, but he still pushed through and

he still pushed through and made sure everyone knew his

made sure everyone knew his name?

Name? You got it. Hitler!

You got it. Hitler! Yeah.

Yeah. They're so alike. The only

they're so alike. The only difference is they look so cute

difference is they look so cute together.

Together. They do.

They do. The only difference between

the only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that

Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife

Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.

Until the end. At least, at least Hitler

at least, at least Hitler had the balls to do what we

had the balls to do what we wish Brady would. Put a bullet

wish Brady would. Put a bullet in his head.

In his head. Stay retired.

Stay retired. Tom Brady, you are a

Tom Brady, you are a terrifying man, and we are so

terrifying man, and we are so glad you found football before

glad you found football before hookers and genocide. Please

hookers and genocide. Please note these are all just jokes,

note these are all just jokes, and we do not want to die.

And we do not want to die. Yeah. Seriously, dude, you

yeah. Seriously, dude, you are the best. Thank you for

are the best. Thank you for having us. Please don't kill

having us. Please don't kill us. We really want to live. We

us. We really want to live. We have families.

Have families. Please, please don't kill

please, please don't kill us, Tom. Thank you.

Us, Tom. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Guys, we are having an amazing

guys, we are having an amazing night. On a night like this,

night. On a night like this, you just need to go out and

you just need to go out and check on people, right? How are

check on people, right? How are you doing, man? It's the

you doing, man? It's the goddamn table full of fighters.

Goddamn table full of fighters. They there, are you having a

they there, are you having a good time? I'm not going to

good time? I'm not going to fuck you. Were you about to hit

fuck you. Were you about to hit me? Jesus Christ, racism in

me? Jesus Christ, racism in real time. How you doing, big

real time. How you doing, big guy? Sit down, boss. Say hello.

Guy? Sit down, boss. Say hello. We're killing time right now.

We're killing time right now. But do your cool face right

but do your cool face right now. Nah, that looks stupid.

Now. Nah, that looks stupid. Move. You fucking blew it. Look

move. You fucking blew it. Look at these beautiful women over

at these beautiful women over here. Here is my wife and her

here. Here is my wife and her two brothers. That's dom and

two brothers. That's dom and that's Kyle. And this is my

that's Kyle. And this is my wife. All right, guys, we're

wife. All right, guys, we're set. We are going to keep it

set. We are going to keep it going. Oh my god. What an

going. Oh my god. What an amazing time that we are about

amazing time that we are about to have. Ladies and gentlemen,

to have. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, with that

ladies and gentlemen, with that being said, make some noise for

being said, make some noise for a friend, a funny favorite of

a friend, a funny favorite of mine, Sam Jay.

Wow, it is truly amazing to be here, seriously. I'm from

be here, seriously. I'm from Boston. So I'm absolutely

Boston. So I'm absolutely honored. I have to thank

honored. I have to thank Netflix, and also I want to say

Netflix, and also I want to say congratulations to you,

congratulations to you, Netflix. You've done it again.

Netflix. You've done it again. You've made another white man

you've made another white man a mediocre star. Bert, you are

a mediocre star. Bert, you are truly talentless. You are a

truly talentless. You are a disgrace to the legacy of fat

disgrace to the legacy of fat funny super stars. If you were

funny super stars. If you were actually talented, you would

actually talented, you would have overdosed in a hotel room

have overdosed in a hotel room a long time ago. Farley, these

a long time ago. Farley, these were great men. They knew how

were great men. They knew how to live. They ate heart

to live. They ate heart clogging steaks, they fucked

clogging steaks, they fucked prostitutes, they did mountains

prostitutes, they did mountains of cocaine. They went out like

of cocaine. They went out like fucking rock stars. Bert, you

fucking rock stars. Bert, you don't do drugs and you only

don't do drugs and you only fuck your wife. You don't even

fuck your wife. You don't even know how to be... [ laughter

fuck your wife. You don't even know how to be...

You don't even know how to be fat and famous right. You're

fat and famous right. You're going to die from too much

going to die from too much kool-aid in the shrimp and

kool-aid in the shrimp and choking on Joe Rogen's dick. I

choking on Joe Rogen's dick. I was worried about AI, but Bert,

was worried about AI, but Bert, you're proof that a machine

you're proof that a machine can write a good script. You're

can write a good script. You're an example of racism being

an example of racism being alive and well. Because for a

alive and well. Because for a shirtless fat black man to make

shirtless fat black man to make your kind of money, he had to

your kind of money, he had to get hit by a Wal-Mart truck.

Get hit by a Wal-Mart truck. Drew, it's so nice to see you

drew, it's so nice to see you here, bro. Honestly, I'm from

here, bro. Honestly, I'm from Boston, so you know this feels

Boston, so you know this feels really good. I grew up hearing

really good. I grew up hearing your name around my house. You

your name around my house. You know, they'd be like yeah,

know, they'd be like yeah, drew bledsoe sucks. That big

drew bledsoe sucks. That big ass white boy can't run for

ass white boy can't run for shit. That nigga got a potato

shit. That nigga got a potato face. Shit like that. I just

face. Shit like that. I just want you to know I'm not like

want you to know I'm not like that. I'm appalled, you know

that. I'm appalled, you know what I mean? I have empathy. I

what I mean? I have empathy. I know it must be hard to be a

know it must be hard to be a fucking loser. Seriously, dude.

Fucking loser. Seriously, dude. What the fuck are you doing

what the fuck are you doing here? This dude invested you in

here? This dude invested you in every way, so we know you hate

every way, so we know you hate him. You went first, he went

him. You went first, he went sixth, and he still took your

sixth, and he still took your spot and sent you off to

spot and sent you off to buffalo. He's been cucking you

buffalo. He's been cucking you for years. Here you sit, you

for years. Here you sit, you like that shit, don't you, you

like that shit, don't you, you sick fuck. Tom, do us a favor

sick fuck. Tom, do us a favor and fuck this dude's wife

and fuck this dude's wife already and get it over with.

Already and get it over with. The only ring you have is the

the only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your

one Tom won for you. So your super bowl ring is just like my

super bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear

strap-on. Just because you wear it, it doesn't make it real.

Drew, honestly if you put yourself out of your misery

yourself out of your misery tonight, we would all

tonight, we would all understand. But I just want you

understand. But I just want you to know you'd still be the

to know you'd still be the second best patriot to do that.

Second best patriot to do that. Tom, I'm so honored. But I

Tom, I'm so honored. But I have to say for a guy who

have to say for a guy who doesn't like black people, you

doesn't like black people, you sure do a lot of nigga shit.

Sure do a lot of nigga shit. You wear all your rings, you

you wear all your rings, you love the amigos, you took out

love the amigos, you took out an illegal ppp loan, and you

an illegal ppp loan, and you refuse to raise your kids. I

refuse to raise your kids. I actually think that's why you

actually think that's why you left the patriots. You were too

left the patriots. You were too black for Boston. I know

black for Boston. I know retirement is hard. I too have

retirement is hard. I too have retired something. I put down

retired something. I put down dick years ago. And goat to

dick years ago. And goat to goat, I have to say I'm ready

goat, I have to say I'm ready for one last game, and I know

for one last game, and I know you want to know what it is

you want to know what it is like to score one more time.

Like to score one more time. And I just want to know if my

and I just want to know if my pussy is still good. Who would

pussy is still good. Who would be a better judge? But this

be a better judge? But this isn't sexual. I'm not hard up

isn't sexual. I'm not hard up like Nikki. This is completely

like Nikki. This is completely a fact finding mission. So no

a fact finding mission. So no loot the jokes, no candles,

loot the jokes, no candles, just me open on the table,

just me open on the table, ob/gyn style, hospital gown,

ob/gyn style, hospital gown, you come in with your uggs,

you come in with your uggs, dick already hard.

Dick already hard because i'm not doing all that. You have on

not doing all that. You have on a hospital gown too, but it's

a hospital gown too, but it's back wards so the dick can

back wards so the dick can stick out. Bam, one strong

stick out. Bam, one strong stroke, then you pull out slow,

stroke, then you pull out slow, we towel down, high fives. You

we towel down, high fives. You could be my final completion,

could be my final completion, and I can be the first time you

and I can be the first time you look a black woman in the eyes.

Look a black woman in the eyes. But seriously, Tom, I'm a

but seriously, Tom, I'm a patriot fan, I'm a bostonian.

Patriot fan, I'm a bostonian. And loving you is a Scarlet

and loving you is a Scarlet letter that I wear proudly. I

letter that I wear proudly. I appreciate what you did for the

appreciate what you did for the city. You truly are the goat.

City. You truly are the goat. Will you please, please, please

will you please, please, please sign my Jersey?

Sam Jay. Goddamn. Oh shit. Ladies and gentlemen, please

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a living

welcome to the stage a living legend, a world class lover and

legend, a world class lover and the number one news anchor in

the number one news anchor in all of San Diego, Mr. Ron

all of San Diego, Mr. Ron burgundy!

Hello even, New York City in the house!

Hello even, New York City in the house! Madison square

the house! Madison square garden, oh, msg. Billy Joel

garden, oh, msg. Billy Joel residency, yes. How about those

residency, yes. How about those knickerbockers, huh? Yeah.

Knickerbockers, huh? Yeah. Probably gonna lose in the

probably gonna lose in the second round, but we're

second round, but we're looking good right now. Kevin

looking good right now. Kevin hart, my second favorite

hart, my second favorite comedian next to earthquake.

Comedian next to earthquake. God I love earthquake. Hello.

God I love earthquake. Hello. My name is Ron burgundy. I am a

my name is Ron burgundy. I am a very big deal, but tonight is

very big deal, but tonight is not about me. I love you too.

It's not about me, but we are here to honor a champion of the

here to honor a champion of the gridiron. A great American, a

gridiron. A great American, a father, and a sexy man. A true

father, and a sexy man. A true patriot until he was not, of

patriot until he was not, of course.

Patriot until he was not, of course. Mr. Tom Brady.

Holy shit this man is gorgeous. I've seen him on TV before,

I've seen him on TV before, but in person, eechiowa. Whoa.

But in person, eechiowa. Whoa. Look at those cheekbones.

Look at those cheekbones. That's a million watt smile

that's a million watt smile right there and those eyes. A

right there and those eyes. A person could get lost in those

person could get lost in those eyes. And right now I am that

eyes. And right now I am that person. Ron, pull it together.

Person. Ron, pull it together. You're a straight man. He's

you're a straight man. He's making you question your

making you question your sexuality. Stop looking at him.

Sexuality. Stop looking at him. You're here to make fun of

you're here to make fun of him. Not fall in love.

Him. Not fall in love. Concentrate. Here we go. All

concentrate. Here we go. All right. Back to the roast,

right. Back to the roast, everyone. I never liked you,

everyone. I never liked you, Tom. In all my years of

Tom. In all my years of watching professional football,

watching professional football, I never saw a more boring

I never saw a more boring quarterback. The master of the

quarterback. The master of the six-yard slant. The scream, the

six-yard slant. The scream, the check down, Randy moss, where

check down, Randy moss, where are you? There's Randy. I see

are you? There's Randy. I see you over there. All that speed

you over there. All that speed running down the field. Randy,

running down the field. Randy, he was never going to get you

he was never going to get you the ring. The check down pass

the ring. The check down pass was the only option. I'm

was the only option. I'm sorry. You were just a sexy

sorry. You were just a sexy decoy. To make Tom look good.

Decoy. To make Tom look good. You were on the field version

you were on the field version of Gisele Bundchen. Is it

of Gisele Bundchen. Is it Gisele or Gisele? Gisele, I

Gisele or Gisele? Gisele, I believe, right? Gisele. Gisele

believe, right? Gisele. Gisele Bundchen. From Spain. She's

Bundchen. From Spain. She's Spanish, right? Tom, look at

Spanish, right? Tom, look at me. She's Spanish, right? Oh,

me. She's Spanish, right? Oh, you don't even know? Okay.

Poor Gisele. It took her 13 years to learn what we all

years to learn what we all know. Tom is boring. Dink,

know. Tom is boring. Dink, donk, dink, donk, touchdown,

donk, dink, donk, touchdown, who cares. Who cares. The guys

who cares. Who cares. The guys on sports center, some personal

on sports center, some personal friends of mine used to praise

friends of mine used to praise Tom for his quick release. Not

Tom for his quick release. Not women, by the way. Women were

women, by the way. Women were not impressed by his quick

not impressed by his quick release. I'm putting

release. I'm putting earthquake to shame, right,

earthquake to shame, right, Kevin? I mean the last time

Kevin? I mean the last time this guy went truly deep, he

this guy went truly deep, he ended up paying child support

ended up paying child support to Bridget moynihan. I wrote

to Bridget moynihan. I wrote that myself this morning. In

that myself this morning. In the airport bathroom at

the airport bathroom at laguardia. It should be obvious

laguardia. It should be obvious now, Tom ruined football for

now, Tom ruined football for all of us. Watching the

all of us. Watching the patriots play actually made me

patriots play actually made me look forward to all the fun and

look forward to all the fun and laughter of a bill belichick

laughter of a bill belichick post-game interview.

By the way, bill, wherever you are, I hope you know, I hope

are, I hope you know, I hope you know it now, it was Tom. It

you know it now, it was Tom. It was never you.

Remember, no, no. Remember that period when people thought it

period when people thought it was you? Well, it wasn't. It

was you? Well, it wasn't. It was Tom. Understand, bill

was Tom. Understand, bill you're currently unemployed.

You're currently unemployed. Good luck on zip recruiter. A

good luck on zip recruiter. A lot of jobs in the healthcare

lot of jobs in the healthcare field. I hear male nurses are

field. I hear male nurses are in great demand. With your

in great demand. With your bedside manner, no one would

bedside manner, no one would wake up after gallbladder

wake up after gallbladder surgery and look into the

surgery and look into the loving kind face of bill

loving kind face of bill belichick as he gives you a

belichick as he gives you a sponge bath. No, there's no

sponge bath. No, there's no reason why we all had to endure

reason why we all had to endure 20 seasons of six-yard passes

20 seasons of six-yard passes to gronkowski. Tom was too

to gronkowski. Tom was too afraid to hold on to the

afraid to hold on to the football because under all that

football because under all that lifeless lumber, handsome as he

lifeless lumber, handsome as he is, and he is very handsome. My

is, and he is very handsome. My god. If you were this close to

god. If you were this close to him like I am, then you know

him like I am, then you know what I'm talking about. I

what I'm talking about. I haven't even mentioned his

haven't even mentioned his golden skin. Don't you shake

golden skin. Don't you shake your head at me and say crazy.

Your head at me and say crazy. I'll make life crazy for you.

I'll make life crazy for you. How it must feel to touch that

how it must feel to touch that golden skin. And these are

golden skin. And these are strange feelings, Ron. Focus,

strange feelings, Ron. Focus, focus. You hate the man,

focus. You hate the man, remember. You hate him. Where

remember. You hate him. Where was I? Oh yes, underneath that

was I? Oh yes, underneath that dead robot of a quarterback,

dead robot of a quarterback, there is a scared little boy.

There is a scared little boy. How do I know this? You don't

how do I know this? You don't see Eli Manning here tonight,

see Eli Manning here tonight, do you? No. That's because

do you? No. That's because he's afraid of Eli Manning.

He's afraid of Eli Manning. Eli Manning made Tom Brady his

Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. He made him his bitch.

Bitch. He made him his bitch. Okay. I'd like to hear

okay. I'd like to hear everyone in the audience say

everyone in the audience say that with me. On the count of

that with me. On the count of three, we're all going to say

three, we're all going to say Eli Manning made Tom Brady his

Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. One, two, three, Eli

bitch. One, two, three, Eli Manning made Tom Brady his

Manning made Tom Brady his bitch. That was terrible.

Bitch. That was terrible. Let's do it again. Actually as

let's do it again. Actually as disjointed as I was, that felt

disjointed as I was, that felt good. Don't worry, Tom, the

good. Don't worry, Tom, the nightmare is over. You can just

nightmare is over. You can just sit back, relax, and talk about

sit back, relax, and talk about football. Invest in

football. Invest in cryptocurrency scams, and drink

cryptocurrency scams, and drink your protein shakes. I don't

your protein shakes. I don't know if you know this, Tom has

know if you know this, Tom has a whole line of plant based

a whole line of plant based nutrition called tb12. Look it

nutrition called tb12. Look it up. Yeah. It's good. I lost 15

up. Yeah. It's good. I lost 15 pounds from this stuff. Those

pounds from this stuff. Those shakes work. I only had to

shakes work. I only had to drink one glass. For the next

drink one glass. For the next two weeks I was on the can with

two weeks I was on the can with the worst case of diarrhea I've

the worst case of diarrhea I've ever had. I recommend the

ever had. I recommend the cookies and cream shake.

Cookies and cream shake. There's nothing like shooting

there's nothing like shooting out cookies and cream as you

out cookies and cream as you race to the toilet. Cookies and

race to the toilet. Cookies and cream. All over the floor of

cream. All over the floor of the laguardia airport bathroom.

The laguardia airport bathroom. Stall number three. That's the

stall number three. That's the one I always go. On that classy

one I always go. On that classy note, I'd like to wrap it up.

Note, I'd like to wrap it up. Tom, it's clear everybody up

Tom, it's clear everybody up here loves you. I love you,

here loves you. I love you, although it might just be lust.

Although it might just be lust. It could be love. We'll never

it could be love. We'll never had know. I can't wait for you

had know. I can't wait for you to be up there on fox sports

to be up there on fox sports commentating on the game you

commentating on the game you loved or... or playing for the

loved or... or playing for the raiders in the playoffs. Or

raiders in the playoffs. Or coaching the patriots or

coaching the patriots or whatever the fuck you're going

whatever the fuck you're going to do. I mean let's be honest,

to do. I mean let's be honest, your best years are behind you,

your best years are behind you, Tom. The super bowls, Gisele.

Tom. The super bowls, Gisele. Your movie career. It's all

your movie career. It's all done. It's all gone. But you

done. It's all gone. But you won't be forgotten. You will

won't be forgotten. You will always be remembered as Eli

always be remembered as Eli Manning's bitch. Don't let

Manning's bitch. Don't let that get you down, Tom. Like I

that get you down, Tom. Like I said before, we all love you.

Said before, we all love you. In fact only one man truly

in fact only one man truly hates you, and it is my

hates you, and it is my pleasure to bring him out here,

pleasure to bring him out here, Mr. Bill belichick.

What's up? Thank you.

What's up, Kevin, you think you can get me a chair like

you can get me a chair like that in Philly? Yeah. I think

that in Philly? Yeah. I think so. Ron burgundy. Where's Ron?

So. Ron burgundy. Where's Ron? Ron burgundy. The only member

Ron burgundy. The only member in the media I respect. Yeah.

In the media I respect. Yeah. You know the fellas invited me

you know the fellas invited me up here to lighten up the mood

up here to lighten up the mood a little bit tonight. But

a little bit tonight. But seriously I'm so honored to be

seriously I'm so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady

here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. It's not to be

on Netflix. It's not to be confused... it's not to be

confused... it's not to be confused with the roast of

confused with the roast of belichick on the ten-part apple

belichick on the ten-part apple TV series. There's a lot of

TV series. There's a lot of mean things being said about

mean things being said about Tom tonight. I wonder why they

Tom tonight. I wonder why they invited me. Really, Tom, why

invited me. Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on

are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me? And, you

you? Do you miss me? And, you know, Kevin, whenever Kevin

know, Kevin, whenever Kevin talks, I go into cover two

talks, I go into cover two defense. Cover both ears.

Defense. Cover both ears. First, Tom, some of these

first, Tom, some of these comedians tonight, Andrew

comedians tonight, Andrew schulz, Nikki glaser, Tom

schulz, Nikki glaser, Tom Brady, this is a comedy version

Brady, this is a comedy version of the no-name defense. Who are

of the no-name defense. Who are these people?

For 49 years, I've been a football coach, but tonight

football coach, but tonight I'm going to be a life coach.

I'm going to be a life coach. When I get rid of my two

when I get rid of my two sleeves, it's through my

sleeves, it's through my sweatshirts. Jeff Ross gets rid

sweatshirts. Jeff Ross gets rid of his two sleeves, it's for a

of his two sleeves, it's for a box of cookies. I've got to

box of cookies. I've got to roll? All right. You know, a

roll? All right. You know, a lot of people kind of connected

lot of people kind of connected me with a saying called do your

me with a saying called do your job, telling people to do their

job, telling people to do their job.

Gronk, I've been watching you on fox NFL Sunday, and i'm

on fox NFL Sunday, and i'm begging you, please, stop doing

begging you, please, stop doing your job.

Do another job. Do somebody else's job.

I love coaching gronk. He was the best. He's a great

the best. He's a great teammate, a great, great hall

teammate, a great, great hall of fame player. Give it up for

of fame player. Give it up for gronk.

Gronk's taken a lot of heat. He's been roasted the third

he's been roasted the third most between Brady, then me,

most between Brady, then me, and gronk tonight. Sorry, Rob,

and gronk tonight. Sorry, Rob, I've got to keep going. Rob

I've got to keep going. Rob last landed some endorsement

last landed some endorsement deals for some of his favorite

deals for some of his favorite foods, Campbell soup, dunkin'

foods, Campbell soup, dunkin' donuts, and don't forget tide

donuts, and don't forget tide pods.

Just a true story. 100% true story. I used Rob's tide pod

story. I used Rob's tide pod commercial to teach our team

commercial to teach our team that this is when you say no.

Just because somebody asks you to do something stupid, you

to do something stupid, you don't have to do it. Say no.

Don't have to do it. Say no. That advice was never given by

that advice was never given by Kevin's manager.

A lot of you don't know, but I really have a big heart. I

really have a big heart. I really do. Seriously. Come on,

really do. Seriously. Come on, man.

I rescued a dog from the shelter. And I rescued Randy

shelter. And I rescued Randy from the raiders. Listen,

from the raiders. Listen, Randy, I'm really sorry you

Randy, I'm really sorry you didn't get a ring. Not sorry

didn't get a ring. Not sorry enough to give you one of mine,

enough to give you one of mine, but I'm still really sorry.

But I'm still really sorry. You know, it's great to have

you know, it's great to have all the patriots here. You

all the patriots here. You know, you guys are all awesome.

Know, you guys are all awesome. You meant so much.

And Tom's the greatest of all time. No question about that.

Time. No question about that. That's why we're all here.

That's why we're all here. Tom's fantastic. But he played

Tom's fantastic. But he played on some great teams and these

on some great teams and these great players who played with

great players who played with them, they're a great team. We

them, they're a great team. We accomplished a lot. So proud to

accomplished a lot. So proud to be here. But you know, Danny,

be here. But you know, Danny, Danny amendola up here on the

Danny amendola up here on the stage, Danny joined us in 2014.

Stage, Danny joined us in 2014. Got us 200 yards that year. And

got us 200 yards that year. And then in 2016, he picked up

then in 2016, he picked up another 250. Or to put in

another 250. Or to put in another way, what Randy would

another way, what Randy would call a decent first half.

Matt, I love where you are, Matt light protected Tom's

Matt light protected Tom's blind sight along with Nate

blind sight along with Nate solder, two great left tackles.

Solder, two great left tackles. All those other guys in the

all those other guys in the hall of fame. And Matt, I love

hall of fame. And Matt, I love where you are, far away from

where you are, far away from the microphone. In all my years

the microphone. In all my years with the patriots, there's no

with the patriots, there's no player I had to say more often

player I had to say more often to shut the fuck up than Matt

to shut the fuck up than Matt light.

You know, Matt came into the league and you know about his

league and you know about his struggle with crohns disease

struggle with crohns disease and that certainly explains all

and that certainly explains all the years why he gave me so

the years why he gave me so much shit. One man that's

much shit. One man that's always great to see, Rodney

always great to see, Rodney Harrison. Rodney Harrison.

One of the greatest players I've ever coached. I mean

I've ever coached. I mean he's a great, great football

he's a great, great football player. A great person. A great

player. A great person. A great competitor. He's not in the

competitor. He's not in the pro football hall of fame. To

pro football hall of fame. To me that might be the biggest

me that might be the biggest joke of the night. Give it up.

Just invite me into your induction. But believe it or

induction. But believe it or not, I've got a lot of nice

not, I've got a lot of nice things to say about Tom, but

things to say about Tom, but I'm running out of time here.

Do I have a couple extra minutes? Okay. [ Cheering

do I have a couple extra minutes? Okay.

Cryptocurrency. I'll stay away from that one, but I see your

from that one, but I see your soccer team, Birmingham city

soccer team, Birmingham city got knocked down another tier

got knocked down another tier in the English football league.

In the English football league. So you know for those not

so you know for those not familiar with English football,

familiar with English football, the intricacy of their obscure

the intricacy of their obscure regulation system. Let me put

regulation system. Let me put it in English for you, they

it in English for you, they suck. Not so easy running a

suck. Not so easy running a team, is it, Tom?

All right. All right.

So a little coaching advice, stick to American football.

Stick to American football. You're really good at that.

You're really good at that. You know, people have said Tom

you know, people have said Tom and I butted heads a lot. In a

and I butted heads a lot. In a way that was true, but not

way that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt

really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was

heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex guerrero's ass.

You know, Tom, you had so many clutch moments, so many big

clutch moments, so many big plays, just unbelievable, you

plays, just unbelievable, you know, plays that will live on

know, plays that will live on forever. I remember the pass

forever. I remember the pass you threw to amendola in '14,

you threw to amendola in '14, no, that was Julian that threw

no, that was Julian that threw that pass to amendola. There

that pass to amendola. There was a pass you threw to dorsett

was a pass you threw to dorsett when we beat the eagles. You

when we beat the eagles. You remember that one in 2019? No,

remember that one in 2019? No, Julian, you threw that one too.

Julian, you threw that one too. Oh.

Julian, you threw that one too. Oh. Tom threw a lot of

oh. Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes. I can't

touchdown passes. I can't remember them, but he threw a

remember them, but he threw a bunch of them. You know,

bunch of them. You know, seriously Tom and I had our

seriously Tom and I had our differences, but you know it

differences, but you know it only comes to love and respect

only comes to love and respect about our relationship. We did

about our relationship. We did some special things together.

Some special things together. You know for all of you out

you know for all of you out there that think about who is

there that think about who is responsible for the patriots

responsible for the patriots success during the time when

success during the time when Tom and I were over there. Was

Tom and I were over there. Was it Brady, me, Brady, me? In

it Brady, me, Brady, me? In reality, the truth of the

reality, the truth of the matter is it was both of us

matter is it was both of us because of me. Great event,

because of me. Great event, Netflix, great night to be

Netflix, great night to be here. Thank you very much. Love

here. Thank you very much. Love you, Tom, patriots. Love you

you, Tom, patriots. Love you guys. Thank you.

Wow. Who would have fucking thought. Who would have

thought. Who would have thought. Goddamn, coach came up

thought. Goddamn, coach came up here and set the road straight.

Here and set the road straight. I can't even trash him. I had

I can't even trash him. I had stuff to trash him, but after

stuff to trash him, but after that, I can't. I don't feel

that, I can't. I don't feel comfortable trashing the coach

comfortable trashing the coach after that. I imagine he'll

after that. I imagine he'll say something a little

say something a little heartfelt. Coach, you should

heartfelt. Coach, you should hear this. I like the fact you

hear this. I like the fact you actually had the balls to come

actually had the balls to come out here and do the fucking

out here and do the fucking roast and talk shit with Tom.

Roast and talk shit with Tom. All right.

Just for a quick second before we go and continue the show, to

we go and continue the show, to tell you guys why I think it's

tell you guys why I think it's so dope because you cut the

so dope because you cut the middleman out. The middleman is

middleman out. The middleman is the hypothetical, the

the hypothetical, the assumption. Everybody has an

assumption. Everybody has an assumption about the

assumption about the relationship of. And the thing

relationship of. And the thing is ultimately when you see the

is ultimately when you see the support with one another,

support with one another, that's what the relationship

that's what the relationship is. What I'm saying is, what

is. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying to the world is

I'm saying to the world is mind your fucking business, all

mind your fucking business, all right? Mind your fucking

right? Mind your fucking business. Coach, good shit. Way

business. Coach, good shit. Way to come out and be supportive

to come out and be supportive tonight and back goddamn Tom

tonight and back goddamn Tom Brady. Holy shit. I love it.

Brady. Holy shit. I love it. Goddamn, coach. I had some good

goddamn, coach. I had some good ones for you too. Can I just

ones for you too. Can I just tell you one of them? I was

tell you one of them? I was like okay, can I just tell you

like okay, can I just tell you one? I'm not going to do them,

one? I'm not going to do them, but let me tell you one. It's

but let me tell you one. It's different, as I call you

different, as I call you captain smiles because I never

captain smiles because I never see you smile. Oh, he's always

see you smile. Oh, he's always angry. People call him a piece

angry. People call him a piece of shit, but I'm saying piece

of shit, but I'm saying piece is not it because he's a lot

is not it because he's a lot of shit, like a bunch of

of shit, like a bunch of pieces. Like that was one of

pieces. Like that was one of them. Just a pile of shit.

Them. Just a pile of shit. Okay, I think I'm blowing it,

okay, I think I'm blowing it, fuck it. No, coach, don't do

fuck it. No, coach, don't do that. Don't go off on me.

That. Don't go off on me. Don't do that. All right, i'm

don't do that. All right, i'm on your side. I'm on your

on your side. I'm on your side. Bill, I got to be honest,

side. Bill, I got to be honest, I really was a little touched

I really was a little touched to the fact you came out. I'm

to the fact you came out. I'm dead serious right now. That

dead serious right now. That was a very gentleman like move

was a very gentleman like move on your behalf. Tom, you better

on your behalf. Tom, you better fucking appreciate that and

fucking appreciate that and tell him about it later. All

tell him about it later. All right? God, what a night. What

right? God, what a night. What a night. Are you guys having a

a night. Are you guys having a good time? I am. Are we having

good time? I am. Are we having a good time? Yes? At home I

a good time? Yes? At home I hope you all are too. The fact

hope you all are too. The fact this is live and it's on

this is live and it's on Netflix is insane. The first of

Netflix is insane. The first of its kind. There will not be the

its kind. There will not be the last. I think we're going to

last. I think we're going to do more because it's just

do more because it's just going so well. Let's keep the

going so well. Let's keep the goddamn train rolling. Guys,

goddamn train rolling. Guys, your next roaster is in love

your next roaster is in love with Tom Brady, and I do mean

with Tom Brady, and I do mean that. Those aren't my words.

That. Those aren't my words. That's what he wrote on a

that's what he wrote on a mirror in his dressing room. He

mirror in his dressing room. He might actually pop the question

might actually pop the question tonight or he might pop his man

tonight or he might pop his man pussy. Please make some noise

pussy. Please make some noise for Julian edelman. Come on,

for Julian edelman. Come on, Julian.

What a night. What a night. There are so many legendary

there are so many legendary patriots here tonight. I

patriots here tonight. I figured the next time I'll see

figured the next time I'll see you all will be at kraft's

you all will be at kraft's funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. Now

funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. Now let's give it up for our host,

let's give it up for our host, Kevin hart. I know everyone's

Kevin hart. I know everyone's gonna make short jokes about

gonna make short jokes about you tonight, but not me. I'm

you tonight, but not me. I'm going to make black jokes.

Going to make black jokes. Kevin, you are so black that

Kevin, you are so black that when I saw you, I thought you

when I saw you, I thought you were Bert kreischer's liver.

And Bert kreischer's liver is so black, it just did four

so black, it just did four hours on the Shannon sharpe

hours on the Shannon sharpe podcast. Jeff Ross is here.

Podcast. Jeff Ross is here. What's up, Jeff? Fun fact,

what's up, Jeff? Fun fact, Jeff and I are both Jewish. The

Jeff and I are both Jewish. The difference is I'm the kind of

difference is I'm the kind of you that people look at and say

you that people look at and say oh, he's Jewish?

And Jeff's the kind of Jew that makes you want to join

that makes you want to join Hamas.

That makes you want to join Hamas. Gronk's here. I don't

Hamas. Gronk's here. I don't really have a joke. I just want

really have a joke. I just want to make sure he knows. Gronk,

to make sure he knows. Gronk, you're going to kill it. I'm

you're going to kill it. I'm so proud of you, bubs, I'm so

so proud of you, bubs, I'm so proud of you. Now everyone

proud of you. Now everyone always asks me how big gronk's

always asks me how big gronk's dick is. Now don't get me

dick is. Now don't get me wrong, it gets the job done.

Wrong, it gets the job done. But there was this other

but there was this other patriots tight end. Now he was

patriots tight end. Now he was hung. Think about it. Think

hung. Think about it. Think about it. Coach belichick's

about it. Coach belichick's here. Oh coach, you barrel

here. Oh coach, you barrel chested son of a bitch. You

chested son of a bitch. You remember when you used to yell

remember when you used to yell at us? Look assholes, the

at us? Look assholes, the fucking kids at foxborough high

fucking kids at foxborough high can make that fucking play.

Can make that fucking play. I've been waiting for this for

I've been waiting for this for so long. Look, asshole,

so long. Look, asshole, foxborough high is the only job

foxborough high is the only job offer you fucking had.

Do your job? More like need a job, coach. Now we get to Tom.

Job, coach. Now we get to Tom. Look at you, you handsome

look at you, you handsome devil. Tb12, tompa Brady, the

devil. Tb12, tompa Brady, the goat. Or as I like to call him,

goat. Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio's

Leonardo DiCaprio's ex-girlfriend's ex-husband.

Ex-girlfriend's ex-husband. When we played together, Tom,

when we played together, Tom, you used to scream laser focus,

you used to scream laser focus, laser focus! Now that's what

laser focus! Now that's what he screams at his plastic

he screams at his plastic surgeon. Who's laughing now,

surgeon. Who's laughing now, Tom? Not you because your face

Tom? Not you because your face can't move and you don't have

can't move and you don't have a sense of humor. Now when I

a sense of humor. Now when I got to new england, you were

got to new england, you were already Tom motherfuckin Brady.

Already Tom motherfuckin Brady. Three super bowls, married to a

three super bowls, married to a supermodel. I wanted to be like

supermodel. I wanted to be like you so bad, bro that when your

you so bad, bro that when your wife left, I thought about

wife left, I thought about getting rid of my beard too.

Getting rid of my beard too. You're gay. You're gay. But

you're gay. You're gay. But hey, but I don't want to talk

hey, but I don't want to talk about your wife. He's actually

about your wife. He's actually here. Alex guerrero, everyone.

Here. Alex guerrero, everyone. For those of you don't know,

for those of you don't know, Alex is the snake oil salesman

Alex is the snake oil salesman who transformed Tom into a

who transformed Tom into a total fucking weirdo. Now he's

total fucking weirdo. Now he's weird. He's fucking weird. I

weird. He's fucking weird. I know there's going to be a lot

know there's going to be a lot of jokes about me being gay for

of jokes about me being gay for Tom. Well let me set the record

Tom. Well let me set the record straight, those balls aren't

straight, those balls aren't going to deflate themselves.

Going to deflate themselves. That tb12 method works. Lots of

that tb12 method works. Lots of pineapples in those smoothies.

Pineapples in those smoothies. Sweet cum, sweet cum if you

sweet cum, sweet cum if you didn't know that. Honestly the

didn't know that. Honestly the only reason I came here tonight

only reason I came here tonight is will you come on my fucking

is will you come on my fucking podcast already, bro? I've had

podcast already, bro? I've had Peyton Manning, everyone else,

Peyton Manning, everyone else, Eli Manning. Nah, but Tom,

Eli Manning. Nah, but Tom, you're my brother. I owe you

you're my brother. I owe you everything. You let me into

everything. You let me into your inner circle, bro, and you

your inner circle, bro, and you showed me what it meant to be a

showed me what it meant to be a professional, and I'd do

professional, and I'd do anything for you, bubs. I love

anything for you, bubs. I love you. You're a great sport for

you. You're a great sport for doing this. And who are we

doing this. And who are we kidding? This is Tom mother

kidding? This is Tom mother fucking Brady! Just remember

fucking Brady! Just remember these are jokes, Tom. These are

these are jokes, Tom. These are all jokes because you're my

all jokes because you're my gravy train. I love you, bubs.

Gravy train. I love you, bubs. Let's go!

White boy at its finest. Boy the white boys love to play

the white boys love to play with the dick jokes. I don't

with the dick jokes. I don't know what it is. I don't know

know what it is. I don't know what the fuck it is about the

what the fuck it is about the cultural separation. Willie,

cultural separation. Willie, you were in that locker room.

You were in that locker room. How many dick jokes flew your

how many dick jokes flew your way? How many dick jokes flew

way? How many dick jokes flew your way, Willie? I bet not

your way, Willie? I bet not one. I bet you said mother

one. I bet you said mother fucking I'll give you if you

fucking I'll give you if you say something like that. Julian

say something like that. Julian just made a joke about draining

just made a joke about draining Tom's balls. Tom was like

Tom's balls. Tom was like yeah. No. It's fucking... this

yeah. No. It's fucking... this is live on Netflix. It's like

is live on Netflix. It's like millions of people watching.

Millions of people watching. Two white boys, your dick, my

two white boys, your dick, my dick, my balls, your balls.

Dick, my balls, your balls. What the fuck is happening?

What the fuck is happening? It's live television. No,

it's live television. No, Julian, no! Tom, you're

Julian, no! Tom, you're suppose to tackle that mother

suppose to tackle that mother fucker right here. The only

fucker right here. The only person to celebrate was Jeff.

Person to celebrate was Jeff. I'll do it too if you want me

I'll do it too if you want me to. Jeff, Sam Jay said

to. Jeff, Sam Jay said something earlier and I've been

something earlier and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Thinking about it ever since. She started talking about her

she started talking about her dildo, like oh my god, what my

dildo, like oh my god, what my dildo would look like. I bet

dildo would look like. I bet her dildo looks like Jeff Ross.

Her dildo looks like Jeff Ross. A little fucking white dick. If

a little fucking white dick. If you've got a white dick, I'll

you've got a white dick, I'll never talk to you again, I

never talk to you again, I swear to god. All right, guys,

swear to god. All right, guys, this roast honestly is going so

this roast honestly is going so well. It's going so good, so

well. It's going so good, so good. Not just because of the

good. Not just because of the performances, which have been

performances, which have been amazing, but because of our

amazing, but because of our live audience. You guys have

live audience. You guys have been amazing, man. Make some

been amazing, man. Make some noise for yourself right now. I

noise for yourself right now. I need to know my live audience

need to know my live audience is still with me. We can do

is still with me. We can do better than that. Make some

better than that. Make some goddamn noise! Yes! All right,

goddamn noise! Yes! All right, next up is the host of the

next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the

number one live podcast in the world. Guys, he's sitting in

world. Guys, he's sitting in the audience because he's so

the audience because he's so hated that we made him buy a

hated that we made him buy a fucking ticket. Give it up to

fucking ticket. Give it up to the host, Tony hinchcliffe.

The host, Tony hinchcliffe. Let's go, Tony.

Howdy. We are here with a special episode of kill Tony,

special episode of kill Tony, kill Tommy. You guys know how

kill Tommy. You guys know how it works. I've got a bucket. I

it works. I've got a bucket. I pull someone's name out, they

pull someone's name out, they get 60 seconds, interrupted.

Get 60 seconds, interrupted. You know their time is up when

you know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitty.

They hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it

that means they have to wrap it up then. So here we go. I

up then. So here we go. I pulled out, oh wow, look, it's

pulled out, oh wow, look, it's Dana white everybody. Make some

Dana white everybody. Make some noise for the great Dana white.

Noise for the great Dana white. 60 seconds interrupted for Dana

60 seconds interrupted for Dana white. The president of ufc.

White. The president of ufc. Thank you.

Thank you. This is not my thing, so

this is not my thing, so I'm going to keep this short

I'm going to keep this short like gronk's bus. Actually let

like gronk's bus. Actually let me get into this real quick. It

me get into this real quick. It pisses me off, I flew all the

pisses me off, I flew all the way out here and you guys give

way out here and you guys give me 60 seconds? My name is Dana.

Me 60 seconds? My name is Dana. Is that not trans enou for

is that not trans enou for you liberal fucks? No? All

you liberal fucks? No? All right, Tom, you played for the

right, Tom, you played for the patriots for so long that I was

patriots for so long that I was actually starting to feel like

actually starting to feel like you were from Boston. Then I

you were from Boston. Then I saw you running, and I was like

saw you running, and I was like no, he's definitely from San

no, he's definitely from San Francisco. You led the league

Francisco. You led the league for 20 years in passing as a

for 20 years in passing as a straight guy. Come on. Hey, I

straight guy. Come on. Hey, I got two of the baddest dudes in

got two of the baddest dudes in the world here right now. Sugar

the world here right now. Sugar Sean O'Malley and Max holloway.

Sean O'Malley and Max holloway. Tom, you would have been a

Tom, you would have been a great fighter. You're already

great fighter. You're already the master of the ground and

the master of the ground and pound. That's what you call

pound. That's what you call coffee date with your

coffee date with your boyfriend, Alex guerrero. One

boyfriend, Alex guerrero. One more thing, you people probably

more thing, you people probably don't know this, but Jeff Ross

don't know this, but Jeff Ross was very interested in the ufc.

Was very interested in the ufc. He thought it meant unlimited

he thought it meant unlimited fried chicken. I love you, Tom.

Fried chicken. I love you, Tom. Dana white, ladies and

Dana white, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, Dana. You

gentlemen. Great job, Dana. You know, a lot of you might not

know, a lot of you might not know this, but Dana is the

know this, but Dana is the millionaire founder of the ufc,

millionaire founder of the ufc, and he's also a degenerate

and he's also a degenerate gambler. So that's fucking

gambler. So that's fucking awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom, this

awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom, this is great. Nice shoes, bitch.

Is great. Nice shoes, bitch. Did you win those in the

did you win those in the divorce? Oh, I love it. This is

divorce? Oh, I love it. This is a fucking stellar up here.

A fucking stellar up here. Randy moss, I was upset bill

Randy moss, I was upset bill belichick said he wouldn't

belichick said he wouldn't give you a ring. You know what

give you a ring. You know what else doesn't have a ring? Bill

else doesn't have a ring? Bill belichick's phone. Everyone is

belichick's phone. Everyone is up here talking about what a

up here talking about what a big winner Tom is. But let me

big winner Tom is. But let me tell you, Tom is afraid of the

tell you, Tom is afraid of the giants, which is why Kevin hart

giants, which is why Kevin hart is hosting tonight. It's true.

Is hosting tonight. It's true. All night he's been using the

all night he's been using the stool Aaron Hernandez kicked

stool Aaron Hernandez kicked out from outside beneath

out from outside beneath himself. Yeah. It's true.

Himself. Yeah. It's true. Kevin is so small that when his

Kevin is so small that when his ancestors picked cotton, they

ancestors picked cotton, they called it dead lifting. So many

called it dead lifting. So many great quarterbacks up here. You

great quarterbacks up here. You know who doesn't pass? Kevin

know who doesn't pass? Kevin hart on any movie he's offered.

Hart on any movie he's offered. But we are here for Tom. Tom

but we are here for Tom. Tom Brady is a patriot, which is

Brady is a patriot, which is surprising considering he looks

surprising considering he looks like a confederate fag. Tom

like a confederate fag. Tom Brady, why do you look like a

Brady, why do you look like a gay Tom Brady? Clearly your

gay Tom Brady? Clearly your ex-wife takes after you. I hear

ex-wife takes after you. I hear she's out there draining balls

she's out there draining balls right now. People love you,

right now. People love you, Tom. You have the same fan base

Tom. You have the same fan base as Kyle rittenhouse. Gronk,

as Kyle rittenhouse. Gronk, I'm happy you can take a break

I'm happy you can take a break from writing Santa letters to

from writing Santa letters to be here today. I knew you were

be here today. I knew you were here when we were all out of

here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage. By

chocolate milk backstage. By the way, gronk, that's Kevin

the way, gronk, that's Kevin hart sitting next to you.

Hart sitting next to you. That's not your shadow. Gronk,

that's not your shadow. Gronk, you look like the Nazi that

you look like the Nazi that kept burning himself in the

kept burning himself in the ovens. You look like the final

ovens. You look like the final boss in George Floyd, the video

boss in George Floyd, the video game. The great Jeff Ross,

game. The great Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is

ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is so Jewish he only watches

so Jewish he only watches football for the coin toss.

Football for the coin toss. And, of course, throwing long

and, of course, throwing long bombs at brown people. Nikki

bombs at brown people. Nikki glaser, what a performance

glaser, what a performance tonight. Am I right? Absolutely

tonight. Am I right? Absolutely killer set. Nikki, who wrote

killer set. Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that in your

that? Where was that in your entire career? Nikki has such a

entire career? Nikki has such a bad eating disorder the

bad eating disorder the industry keeps shoving her down

industry keeps shoving her down our throat. You might recognize

our throat. You might recognize her podcast appearance specials

her podcast appearance specials in winning the triple crown at

in winning the triple crown at Churchill downs. You might

Churchill downs. You might recognize Kevin as the jockey

recognize Kevin as the jockey that rode her. And that's

that rode her. And that's Churchill downs the racetrack,

Churchill downs the racetrack, not to be confused with what

not to be confused with what Jeff Ross looks like when he

Jeff Ross looks like when he smokes a cigar. Sam Jay,

smokes a cigar. Sam Jay, everybody, killed in obese

everybody, killed in obese African American lesbian. So by

African American lesbian. So by having her Netflix checked off

having her Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. Yeah. She is a

a lot of boxes. Yeah. She is a black lesbo, which means she

black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy, she all

doesn't eat pussy, she all hell naws on it. Earthquake's

hell naws on it. Earthquake's on his feet. I'm killing. You

on his feet. I'm killing. You might recognize Sam from this.

Might recognize Sam from this. Her entire Wikipedia could fit

her entire Wikipedia could fit into a fortune cookie. Andrew

into a fortune cookie. Andrew schulz, I'm glad you took a

schulz, I'm glad you took a break from watching YouTube

break from watching YouTube videos on how to dap up black

videos on how to dap up black dudes correctly. His mom is a

dudes correctly. His mom is a professional ballroom dancer,

professional ballroom dancer, which means she's a stripper

which means she's a stripper that talks too much. Bert

that talks too much. Bert kreischer is the king. He looks

kreischer is the king. He looks like the tiger king and liver

like the tiger king and liver king only ate Burger King and

king only ate Burger King and has a liver that got beat up by

has a liver that got beat up by Rodney king.

Has a liver that got beat up by Rodney king. And how about the

Rodney king. And how about the appearance from the great Ron

appearance from the great Ron burgundy, huh? A whale's

burgundy, huh? A whale's vagina, which reminds me Kim

vagina, which reminds me Kim Kardashian's here. She's had

Kardashian's here. She's had a lot of black men celebrate in

a lot of black men celebrate in her end zone. Kim, word of

her end zone. Kim, word of advice, close your legs. You

advice, close your legs. You have more public beef than

have more public beef than Kendrick and Drake. Thank you,

Kendrick and Drake. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank

guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Jeff, thank you, Netflix.

Fucking give it up for Tony. Give it up for Tony. Oh god. Oh

give it up for Tony. Oh god. Oh my god. Tony, that's good. I

my god. Tony, that's good. I feel like we should clap or

feel like we should clap or he'll go shoot up a school. He

he'll go shoot up a school. He looks like he's going to do

looks like he's going to do something crazy. The fucking

something crazy. The fucking pants and that belt. You

pants and that belt. You fucking podcasters. I said

fucking podcasters. I said don't let him in here.

Don't let him in here. Goddamnit, that was great

goddamnit, that was great comedy, bit for bit. Bit for

comedy, bit for bit. Bit for bit, Tony. I believe you're

bit, Tony. I believe you're given flowers. I have nothing

given flowers. I have nothing bad to say, man. Performance,

bad to say, man. Performance, goddamn, every box. Whatever

goddamn, every box. Whatever you want to say you checked. I

you want to say you checked. I just had to say this, Sam, fuck

just had to say this, Sam, fuck him, all right? The old hell

him, all right? The old hell naw, that right there. That

naw, that right there. That right there, I want to come

right there, I want to come back and get him for us both,

back and get him for us both, but that was really good. He

but that was really good. He got us good, Sam. He got the

got us good, Sam. He got the black culture good with that

black culture good with that one. Oh hell naw. He turned

one. Oh hell naw. He turned into Tyler Perry in the middle

into Tyler Perry in the middle of the joke. Fuck you, Tony.

Of the joke. Fuck you, Tony. I'll come back in a couple of

I'll come back in a couple of days. Sam, we'll get him. Just

days. Sam, we'll get him. Just not now. Let him have his

not now. Let him have his moment. Son of a bitch. That

moment. Son of a bitch. That was so good. All right, fuck

was so good. All right, fuck that. Fuck you, Tom. All right?

That. Fuck you, Tom. All right? All right. Guys, our next NFL

all right. Guys, our next NFL roaster holds the NFL record

roaster holds the NFL record for the most receiving

for the most receiving touchdown by a tight end. Oh my

touchdown by a tight end. Oh my god. Yes. Yes, it's true. And

god. Yes. Yes, it's true. And soon, soon he'll hold the

soon, soon he'll hold the record for most concussions

record for most concussions received from reading a

received from reading a teleprompter. Please welcome

teleprompter. Please welcome Rob gronkowski. Come on, Rob.

Wow, this has been a fucking night. Kevin hart, first off I

night. Kevin hart, first off I have taken shit bigger and

have taken shit bigger and blacker than you. And unlike

blacker than you. And unlike you, my shit's don't stink

you, my shit's don't stink when they're in the water.

When they're in the water. Yes, Kevin looks like one of my

yes, Kevin looks like one of my shits, and Jeff Ross looks like

shits, and Jeff Ross looks like one of my livers in 20 years.

One of my livers in 20 years. Yeah. Sit down, bitch. Jeff is

yeah. Sit down, bitch. Jeff is so Jewish that backstage when I

so Jewish that backstage when I put my hands up for a high

put my hands up for a high five, he took ten. Bert

five, he took ten. Bert kreischer, I don't know, I

kreischer, I don't know, I can't read, we all know that.

Can't read, we all know that. He's here. Bert went to fsu,

he's here. Bert went to fsu, fat shit university. I love

fat shit university. I love you, Bert even though you stole

you, Bert even though you stole my whole drunken gimmick,

my whole drunken gimmick, shirtless, fucking thing I used

shirtless, fucking thing I used to do back in the day. You're

to do back in the day. You're more like slob gronkowski, you

more like slob gronkowski, you fat fuck lard. Look at all my

fat fuck lard. Look at all my guys, Rodney Harrison, what's

guys, Rodney Harrison, what's up, dawg? We've got Matt

up, dawg? We've got Matt light. We're going to get Matt

light. We're going to get Matt lit tonight. What's up,

lit tonight. What's up, brother? How are you doing? And

brother? How are you doing? And fucking amendola. What's up,

fucking amendola. What's up, buddy? You went into coaching

buddy? You went into coaching last year, so you are now known

last year, so you are now known as amendumbass. Coach

as amendumbass. Coach belichick, nice to see you,

belichick, nice to see you, sir.

I'm your last pro bowl pick on the offensive side of the

the offensive side of the football, and that was back in

football, and that was back in 2009. But man, this is like a

2009. But man, this is like a family reunion. Tom and Julian

family reunion. Tom and Julian are like brothers to me. And

are like brothers to me. And drew bledsoe is the grandfather

drew bledsoe is the grandfather I assumed would be dead by now.

I assumed would be dead by now. Drew got traded to the buffalo

drew got traded to the buffalo bills, so he's played for two

bills, so he's played for two of the worst fucking bills in

of the worst fucking bills in football. Fuck, coach. I just

football. Fuck, coach. I just noticed that joke is about you.

Noticed that joke is about you. Should I run the hill? Coach

should I run the hill? Coach makes us run that hill whenever

makes us run that hill whenever we fuck up, and I fucked up

we fuck up, and I fucked up there. Randy moss, Randy moss,

there. Randy moss, Randy moss, Randy moss, so good to see you,

Randy moss, so good to see you, Randy. Randy hails from the

Randy. Randy hails from the great state of West Virginia.

Great state of West Virginia. Country roads, take me home to

country roads, take me home to the place where dating your

the place where dating your sister is as common as dating

sister is as common as dating your other sister. By the way,

your other sister. By the way, we are talking about sisters.

We are talking about sisters. What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo?

What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo? I just made that up on the spot

I just made that up on the spot too. Randy's nickname was the

too. Randy's nickname was the freak. The nickname was the

freak. The nickname was the squirrel because he loved

squirrel because he loved having Tom Brady's nuts in his

having Tom Brady's nuts in his mouth. And when Tom left for

mouth. And when Tom left for tampa, he gave him the whole

tampa, he gave him the whole shaft. And Julian is going to

shaft. And Julian is going to change his name to Jillian and

change his name to Jillian and move in with Tom. Just two

move in with Tom. Just two little gay boys prancing

little gay boys prancing around.

Everyone kissed Tom's ass. Even I did. That's fine to

even I did. That's fine to admit. But Julian, you're the

admit. But Julian, you're the only one who used tongue. I saw

only one who used tongue. I saw it in the shower. Oh wait a

it in the shower. Oh wait a second, Tom, you don't shower.

Must have been extra stinky. All right, Tom, all right,

all right, Tom, all right, yeah, Julian, Tom left you on

yeah, Julian, Tom left you on the patriots, so you couldn't

the patriots, so you couldn't blow him anymore. We all know

blow him anymore. We all know that. And bill, you never gave

that. And bill, you never gave Tom any action. No hand job,

Tom any action. No hand job, nothing. Fuck him. All right,

nothing. Fuck him. All right, did you give him a hand job,

did you give him a hand job, coach? Why did you blow the

coach? Why did you blow the whistle? I said you didn't. All

whistle? I said you didn't. All right, take this joke out.

Right, take this joke out. Scroll back up. I'm saying

scroll back up. I'm saying this joke. Bill, you never gave

this joke. Bill, you never gave Tom action, but let me tell you

Tom action, but let me tell you he fucked you in the end as

he fucked you in the end as hard as he could. Rear ended

hard as he could. Rear ended you from tampa bay. That's a

you from tampa bay. That's a 1,300-mile long cock Tom has.

1,300-mile long cock Tom has. Let me tell you, Julian sucked

let me tell you, Julian sucked that cock all the way from

that cock all the way from Florida through the carolinas,

Florida through the carolinas, all the way up to

all the way up to Massachusetts. Spit on it,

Massachusetts. Spit on it, lubing it up, to even give

lubing it up, to even give further penetration up your

further penetration up your ass, coach. Holy fuck, I wrote

ass, coach. Holy fuck, I wrote that joke, by the way. Wow.

That joke, by the way. Wow. Wow. No wonder why you didn't

wow. No wonder why you didn't want me to say that. You can

want me to say that. You can read like me, coach.

Read like me, coach. Congratulations. But coach, you

congratulations. But coach, you used to talk about foxborough

used to talk about foxborough high school when we sucked. But

high school when we sucked. But now I know why you were so

now I know why you were so upset with foxborough high

upset with foxborough high school. You were scouting your

school. You were scouting your new girlfriend. I mean coach,

new girlfriend. I mean coach, my joke wasn't fucked up, but

my joke wasn't fucked up, but that's fucked up. You're 73

that's fucked up. You're 73 years old. You should be trying

years old. You should be trying to bang someone your own age

to bang someone your own age like Nikki. All right, I'll

like Nikki. All right, I'll run that fucking hill again.

Run that fucking hill again. This time I'll just keep

this time I'll just keep running. And now let's talk

running. And now let's talk about my designated driver, Tom

about my designated driver, Tom Brady. Even though we played

Brady. Even though we played together for 11 years, I feel

together for 11 years, I feel like I barely know this guy.

Like I barely know this guy. Tom's just like the avocados

Tom's just like the avocados he eats. I think he's a fruit,

he eats. I think he's a fruit, but I'm just totally not sure.

Yeah. I didn't even know you were in Ted 2. I was watching

were in Ted 2. I was watching that scene when a tiny furry

that scene when a tiny furry bear started jerking you off. I

bear started jerking you off. I think it might have been

think it might have been security cam footage of Julian

security cam footage of Julian at your house. Oh, I like that

at your house. Oh, I like that one. I'm creative. You guys

one. I'm creative. You guys all think I'm a dumb piece of

all think I'm a dumb piece of fucking shit, but.

Well, I really am, I really am.

I run into people for a living. Obviously I'm fucking dumb.

Obviously I'm fucking dumb. All right, Tom, you should find

all right, Tom, you should find some new hobbies, man, like I

some new hobbies, man, like I did. I had a racehorse called

did. I had a racehorse called gronkowski. I didn't name it

gronkowski. I didn't name it Tom Brady because unlike you,

Tom Brady because unlike you, it's good at running.

And also it knows when it should be taken behind the barn

should be taken behind the barn and shot. Shoot up.

I'm one of five brothers. Tom doesn't even know five

doesn't even know five brothers.

I mean there are only two and a half of them on this roast.

Half of them on this roast. They don't count behind us,

they don't count behind us, Kevin. All right? Oh, you're

Kevin. All right? Oh, you're standing up. You can still suck

standing up. You can still suck my dick.

Wow, that would feel good. I've never tried it before, but I'll

never tried it before, but I'll do it with you just because

do it with you just because you're standing. Like imagine

you're standing. Like imagine that grip you could give me.

That grip you could give me. Wow.

Oh man. I'm making shit up as we go. Just like my routes. But

we go. Just like my routes. But we had a connection. He would

we had a connection. He would still find me. Gronk, why the

still find me. Gronk, why the fuck did you run that way? Oh,

fuck did you run that way? Oh, touchdown, mother fuckers.

Touchdown, mother fuckers. Wait, gronk, you're suppose to

wait, gronk, you're suppose to run, oh, he's going deep. Oh

run, oh, he's going deep. Oh shit, touchdown.

Bill would be like oh, gronk, he doesn't know the play, but

he doesn't know the play, but he scores. It's fine.

But Tom, I really am psyched tonight that we got you and

tonight that we got you and bill here tonight. Everyone

bill here tonight. Everyone thinks you guys hate each

thinks you guys hate each other. But I saw it firsthand

other. But I saw it firsthand you two are exactly alike.

You two are exactly alike. You're both hard asses that

you're both hard asses that hate fun. You both live and

hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of

breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You're

you are married anymore. You're both even divorced from

both even divorced from football, and both of you take

football, and both of you take full credit for the dynasty.

Full credit for the dynasty. And worse of all, I never had a

and worse of all, I never had a fuckg drink with either of

fuckg drink with either of you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold

you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold it. No, don't drink. I got

it. No, don't drink. I got something for you later. Well

something for you later. Well tonight we're doing a fucking

tonight we're doing a fucking shot, baby. Yes. And that's

shot, baby. Yes. And that's why you've got to listen.

Why you've got to listen. That's why coach belichick got

that's why coach belichick got rid of your ass.

Oh shit. Oh man. Oh shit.

Oh man. Oh shit. Sound it out, Rob. Sound it

sound it out, Rob. Sound it out.

Out. Where am I? Where am I?

Where am I? Where am I? You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. Oh yeah, we're doing a

oh yeah, we're doing a shot.

Shot. And don't worry, it

and don't worry, it doesn't have any strawberries

doesn't have any strawberries in it, Tom. Night shades,

in it, Tom. Night shades, inflammation, whatever the fuck

inflammation, whatever the fuck you're talking about. And it

you're talking about. And it was approved by your mom and

was approved by your mom and bill's boss, Alex guerrero.

Bill's boss, Alex guerrero. No Rob, not that. The shot.

No Rob, not that. The shot. Not that. Put that back. There

not that. Put that back. There you go. Rob, help him, j.

You go. Rob, help him, j. Goddamn mitt. I said don't

goddamn mitt. I said don't leave him up here by himself.

Leave him up here by himself. Get the glasses. There you go.

Get the glasses. There you go. Good job, Rob. Good job.

Good job, Rob. Good job. I love you bill, I love you

I love you bill, I love you Tom.

Tom. Coach, take the shot. There

coach, take the shot. There you go. Come on.

You go. Come on. Hey.

[ Applause

love you guys.

That was tremendous. Thank you, Tom.

You, Tom. Um... we're live, so there

um... we're live, so there is no way to hide the fact that

is no way to hide the fact that gronk might be on a little more

gronk might be on a little more than alcohol. Yeah. It's okay.

Than alcohol. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah, no. Gronk, we'll get it.

Yeah, no. Gronk, we'll get it. Yeah, no, we'll clean it up.

Yeah, no, we'll clean it up. Yeah, just sit down when you

yeah, just sit down when you get a chance, gronk. Jesus

get a chance, gronk. Jesus Christ. Just lay down, gronk.

Christ. Just lay down, gronk. Just lay down. I'm going to

just lay down. I'm going to say what everybody else is

say what everybody else is saying. I don't know if I

saying. I don't know if I could get canceled for saying

could get canceled for saying what I want to say. No, go back

what I want to say. No, go back to the top. This is just my

to the top. This is just my truth. Gronk scares me, he

truth. Gronk scares me, he scares me. Gronk, he's the

scares me. Gronk, he's the unsaved white drunk guy. I

unsaved white drunk guy. I looked at Randy when gronk was

looked at Randy when gronk was saying a lot of shit, and Randy

saying a lot of shit, and Randy had to look and say I'm going

had to look and say I'm going home. Like work is the guy that

home. Like work is the guy that does shit that we all know ends

does shit that we all know ends up in the fucking bad

up in the fucking bad situation. Goddamnit, Tom. You

situation. Goddamnit, Tom. You need to get him on a fucking

need to get him on a fucking leash. I wish I could have seen

leash. I wish I could have seen the words that we had to sound

the words that we had to sound out and elongate on the fucking

out and elongate on the fucking prompter. You had a lot of e's

prompter. You had a lot of e's on one word, and gronk got

on one word, and gronk got stuck. He was like... I had to

stuck. He was like... I had to help him. Sound it out, gronk.

Help him. Sound it out, gronk. Fuck. Keep it going. Jesus

fuck. Keep it going. Jesus Christ. You know, gronk, they

Christ. You know, gronk, they had like this concussion

had like this concussion protocol, right? Here is a

protocol, right? Here is a protocol for gronk. If you hit

protocol for gronk. If you hit him in the head, the only way

him in the head, the only way to get him out of it, you need

to get him out of it, you need to hit him again. Gronk is the

to hit him again. Gronk is the only one who can take two hits.

Only one who can take two hits. Fucking gronk. Jesus Christ.

Fucking gronk. Jesus Christ. His whole live almost went to

his whole live almost went to shit. Here is the good thing.

Shit. Here is the good thing. Gronk says he's returning,

gronk says he's returning, right? He's not returning to

right? He's not returning to NFL football because he

NFL football because he doesn't have the itch for the

doesn't have the itch for the game. And that's

game. And that's understandable. But the women

understandable. But the women you slept with do. Rob, they're

you slept with do. Rob, they're itching. You fucked them good.

Itching. You fucked them good. A lot of fucking going on in

a lot of fucking going on in the patriots organization, by

the patriots organization, by the way. Jesus Christ. By the

the way. Jesus Christ. By the way, bill loved that. Look at

way, bill loved that. Look at bill. Jesus, he's cracking

bill. Jesus, he's cracking smiles, laughing harder on the

smiles, laughing harder on the fact that you're giving out

fact that you're giving out herpies. Jesus Christ, bill.

Herpies. Jesus Christ, bill. What have you been blessed

what have you been blessed with? Yeah, fuck all of them,

with? Yeah, fuck all of them, Kevin. I don't have a job. All

Kevin. I don't have a job. All right. I get it, bill. Fuck

right. I get it, bill. Fuck you, Tom. All right, guys,

you, Tom. All right, guys, listen, your next roaster just

listen, your next roaster just sold out Madison square garden,

sold out Madison square garden, and I want to exclamate that.

And I want to exclamate that. He sold out Madison square

he sold out Madison square garden and it was a dream of

garden and it was a dream of his and he fucking made it

his and he fucking made it happen. That's pretty good for

happen. That's pretty good for a guy who looks like he works

a guy who looks like he works at olive garden. Please show

at olive garden. Please show some love to Andrew schulz.

Some love to Andrew schulz. Let's go.

Hello, make some noise. All right, give it up for Kevin

right, give it up for Kevin hart first of all hosting this

hart first of all hosting this thing. Absolutely amazing.

Thing. Absolutely amazing. Hardest fucking man in

hardest fucking man in Hollywood. Give it up for kev.

Hollywood. Give it up for kev. Kev is the hardest working man

kev is the hardest working man in Hollywood outside the PR guy

in Hollywood outside the PR guy for nickelodeon. Kevin hart as

for nickelodeon. Kevin hart as he's known in the industry,

he's known in the industry, the rock's bottom. Kevin is

the rock's bottom. Kevin is best friends with the rock. His

best friends with the rock. His dad was also best friends with

dad was also best friends with the rock, crack. We could smell

the rock, crack. We could smell what he was cooking, crack. The

what he was cooking, crack. The guy was the super star. You can

guy was the super star. You can make fun of him for being

make fun of him for being short, but there's advantages

short, but there's advantages to being short. Kevin is the

to being short. Kevin is the only guy you can call three

only guy you can call three fits a person, which is fucking

fits a person, which is fucking awesome because that's what

awesome because that's what his wife took in the divorce.

His wife took in the divorce. Guys. What a day we have here,

guys. What a day we have here, ladies and gentlemen. Look at

ladies and gentlemen. Look at this. This stage has seen more

this. This stage has seen more head trauma than a Kennedy on

head trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail. Speaking of

the campaign trail. Speaking of brainless patriots, Tom, all

brainless patriots, Tom, all your boys showed up for you.

Your boys showed up for you. Gronk, you hunky retard. Look

gronk, you hunky retard. Look at you. Gronk, you look like

at you. Gronk, you look like your mom fucked a monster,

your mom fucked a monster, energy drink. I'm surprised

energy drink. I'm surprised you didn't start your set with

you didn't start your set with hey, you guys. Despite coming

hey, you guys. Despite coming across as a mush brain

across as a mush brain mongoloid, gronk has a New York

mongoloid, gronk has a New York times best selling book. He's

times best selling book. He's the first author in history to

the first author in history to have a ghost writer and ghost

have a ghost writer and ghost reader. No, it's amazing. He

reader. No, it's amazing. He can't read. He's still trying

can't read. He's still trying to figure out what three-fifths

to figure out what three-fifths is. It's how much Nikki

is. It's how much Nikki glaser's hands go down her

glaser's hands go down her throat after a meal. Whatever

throat after a meal. Whatever you're doing, Nikki, it's

you're doing, Nikki, it's working. Keep it up. Julian

working. Keep it up. Julian edelman is here. I didn't even

edelman is here. I didn't even know Julian was Jewish until I

know Julian was Jewish until I saw him return at kickoff for a

saw him return at kickoff for a refund. Julian is notorious for

refund. Julian is notorious for having sex with every Jewish

having sex with every Jewish model on the planet. Both of

model on the planet. Both of them. I'm joking, there's

them. I'm joking, there's plenty of Jewish models out

plenty of Jewish models out there as they call them in

there as they call them in L.A., Leo's bagel holes.

L.A., Leo's bagel holes. Dana's here. Dana white, the

Dana's here. Dana white, the greatest promoter in history.

Greatest promoter in history. Make some noise for Dana. Dana

make some noise for Dana. Dana has put more immigrants in

has put more immigrants in cages than U.S. border

cages than U.S. border policies. Dana is a skin head

policies. Dana is a skin head genius. He found a way for

genius. He found a way for minorities to beat each other

minorities to beat each other up. Respect to Dana though.

Up. Respect to Dana though. He's a self-made man. Before

he's a self-made man. Before the ufc, he left Boston with

the ufc, he left Boston with absolutely nothing, and that's

absolutely nothing, and that's something, Randy, you can

something, Randy, you can completely relate to. Shout out

completely relate to. Shout out to Randy for coming out dressed

to Randy for coming out dressed like bagger Vance. Someone get

like bagger Vance. Someone get him out of a sand trap, I mean

him out of a sand trap, I mean Nikki's pussy. Sorry. Randy's

Nikki's pussy. Sorry. Randy's the greatest wide receiver of

the greatest wide receiver of all time. He's also a civil

all time. He's also a civil rights hero. A lot of people

rights hero. A lot of people don't know this, he got

don't know this, he got expelled at his high school for

expelled at his high school for fighting racists. He has fought

fighting racists. He has fought racism in his entire career and

racism in his entire career and why he refuses to win a

why he refuses to win a championship for Boston, so

championship for Boston, so give it up. You won in the long

give it up. You won in the long run. You beat them, okay? Randy

run. You beat them, okay? Randy made sure on super bowl Sunday

made sure on super bowl Sunday in Boston, the only people

in Boston, the only people celebrating a happy ending were

celebrating a happy ending were the priests. Jeff Ross is here,

the priests. Jeff Ross is here, roast royalty. Jeff, you remind

roast royalty. Jeff, you remind me of the patient from the

me of the patient from the game, operation. Because every

game, operation. Because every time kids touch you, you light

time kids touch you, you light up. There's none back there,

up. There's none back there, Jeff. Just sit down. It's

Jeff. Just sit down. It's amazing Jeff Ross is even here

amazing Jeff Ross is even here actually. He's recovering from

actually. He's recovering from a horrible acl injury. Acl is

a horrible acl injury. Acl is the only injury gronk can

the only injury gronk can spell. And speaking of things

spell. And speaking of things that make men limp, Nikki

that make men limp, Nikki glaser is here. Give it up for

glaser is here. Give it up for Nikki. A lot of people were

Nikki. A lot of people were wondering why Nikki was even on

wondering why Nikki was even on this, which is sexist bullshit.

This, which is sexist bullshit. She's absolutely hilarious.

She's absolutely hilarious. Give it up for her, man. She's

give it up for her, man. She's absolutely hilarious. Killed

absolutely hilarious. Killed it, killed it. A lot of people

it, killed it. A lot of people don't know this, Nikki has

don't know this, Nikki has deep ties to the game of

deep ties to the game of football. Not only is her face

football. Not only is her face made out of pig skins, but

made out of pig skins, but every guy she dates bends her

every guy she dates bends her over and takes a hike. So she

over and takes a hike. So she deserves to be here, okay.

Deserves to be here, okay. People talk about Nikki's

people talk about Nikki's appearance, but I think we all

appearance, but I think we all know what matters is what's on

know what matters is what's on the inside. What's on the

the inside. What's on the inside is what counts. Sure on

inside is what counts. Sure on the outside she looks like

the outside she looks like Tiffany trump, but on the

Tiffany trump, but on the inside, she's barron. Speaking

inside, she's barron. Speaking of people that can no longer

of people that can no longer deliver, let's talk about Tom,

deliver, let's talk about Tom, mother fucking Brady. The man

mother fucking Brady. The man in the arena, the goat. Tom, I

in the arena, the goat. Tom, I know bill belichick showed up

know bill belichick showed up late, but don't worry, i'm

late, but don't worry, i'm sure he has someone secretly

sure he has someone secretly recording this, so we can watch

recording this, so we can watch the whole thing later, okay?

The whole thing later, okay? Bill is secretly filmed more

bill is secretly filmed more guys playing for the other team

guys playing for the other team than diddy. That's your boy,

than diddy. That's your boy, kev. A lot of tight ends turned

kev. A lot of tight ends turned wide receivers if you know what

wide receivers if you know what I mean. Tom said that the

I mean. Tom said that the reason he loves football is

reason he loves football is because it allows him to be his

because it allows him to be his true authentic version of

true authentic version of himself. Hiding behind a mask,

himself. Hiding behind a mask, throwing things at black

throwing things at black people. I'm kidding. He never

people. I'm kidding. He never threw to the black guys.

Threw to the black guys. Gronkowski, edelman, welker,

gronkowski, edelman, welker, that's not a receiving core,

that's not a receiving core, that's a law firm. With that

that's a law firm. With that divorce coming up, you're

divorce coming up, you're going to fucking need them. Oh,

going to fucking need them. Oh, that's why Dana's here, so

that's why Dana's here, so you can learn how to fuck a

you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their

Brazilian out of half their purse. Tom, you became the goat

purse. Tom, you became the goat by being the fiercest

by being the fiercest competitor on the planet. Tom

competitor on the planet. Tom was once asked can which one of

was once asked can which one of his rings was his favorite. And

his rings was his favorite. And he said the next one. Sorry,

he said the next one. Sorry, that's a Gisele quote. My dad.

That's a Gisele quote. My dad. Guys, yeah. That was Gisele.

Guys, yeah. That was Gisele. That was Gisele for sure. Tom,

that was Gisele for sure. Tom, you all remind us, sorry, you

you all remind us, sorry, you remind us that no matter how

remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you

big you get, how successful you are, how much you accomplished

are, how much you accomplished in your life, you can always

in your life, you can always end up a twice divorce

end up a twice divorce supplement salesman in tampa,

supplement salesman in tampa, Florida. And for that we all

Florida. And for that we all thank you. You are the goat.

Thank you. You are the goat. Thank you so much for even

thank you so much for even doing this, brother.

Goddamnit, Andrew schulz. Worth the goddamn hype. It was

worth the goddamn hype. It was great. I got to be honest, it

great. I got to be honest, it was fucking great. Guys, don't

was fucking great. Guys, don't go down. Fucking show him the

go down. Fucking show him the love. It was great. Hey, hey,

love. It was great. Hey, hey, how about a hand for this

how about a hand for this fucking guy, Kevin hart.

Fucking guy, Kevin hart. Oh shit, thank you, Bert.

Oh shit, thank you, Bert. Amazing show tonight,

amazing show tonight, amazing host, Kevin hart.

Amazing host, Kevin hart. I appreciate it. I

I appreciate it. I appreciate you.

Appreciate you. Amazing.

Amazing. Thank you, guys. I

thank you, guys. I appreciate you. We are having a

appreciate you. We are having a good time. Hey, my question is

good time. Hey, my question is if Andrew is here, then who is

if Andrew is here, then who is fixing the dog race? Because

fixing the dog race? Because they look like Andrew. Just

they look like Andrew. Just wait a second. Andrew schulz is

wait a second. Andrew schulz is looking so peculiar that you

looking so peculiar that you can't put your eyes on it. I

can't put your eyes on it. I cracked the code. He looks like

cracked the code. He looks like a pedophile from the 30s like

a pedophile from the 30s like the 1930s. Or he looks like a

the 1930s. Or he looks like a silent film porn star. No

silent film porn star. No noises. All faces in mustaches,

noises. All faces in mustaches, that's it. Andrew schulz's

that's it. Andrew schulz's dad, I'm willing to bet has a

dad, I'm willing to bet has a pizzeria, but he's got one of

pizzeria, but he's got one of those pizzerias with no

those pizzerias with no pictures of black celebrities.

Pictures of black celebrities. It's just like weird. You

it's just like weird. You can't ask questions. Andrew

can't ask questions. Andrew looks like, he looks like, you

looks like, he looks like, you know what it is? Andrew, you

know what it is? Andrew, you look like you were in guys in

look like you were in guys in dolls, but you look like you

dolls, but you look like you fucked them. I've got to be

fucked them. I've got to be honest with you. You look like

honest with you. You look like you do a lot of weird shit, not

you do a lot of weird shit, not just because of your mustache,

just because of your mustache, just because of your face.

Just because of your face. Andrew is proof once you start

Andrew is proof once you start pretending to be black, you

pretending to be black, you will never go back. He has been

will never go back. He has been here for the entirety. Andrew,

here for the entirety. Andrew, they didn't like that. I

they didn't like that. I thought it was a good one. They

thought it was a good one. They didn't know the 50 cent

didn't know the 50 cent history. Yeah. No, they don't

history. Yeah. No, they don't get it, Andrew. I thought that

get it, Andrew. I thought that one was going to hit like the

one was going to hit like the black shit you just did at the

black shit you just did at the concert, all right, I'll

concert, all right, I'll explain it to you later, I

explain it to you later, I guess. You understand what

guess. You understand what Andrew schulz is. He's a great

Andrew schulz is. He's a great guy. The culture loves him. All

guy. The culture loves him. All right, I'm done explaining it.

Right, I'm done explaining it. Fuck you, Tom Brady. All right,

fuck you, Tom Brady. All right, guys, listen, we are honored,

guys, listen, we are honored, we are honored to have a living

we are honored to have a living legend in the building tonight,

legend in the building tonight, and I do mean honor. Listen, I

and I do mean honor. Listen, I want you to make some patriot

want you to make some patriot noise. Some good noise. Some

noise. Some good noise. Some good noise for our patriot

good noise for our patriot owner, Robert kraft. Please. [

owner, Robert kraft. Please. [ Cheering

owner, Robert kraft. Please.

Tommy, thanks for having me here at this unique experience.

Here at this unique experience. I thought I've seen it all,

I thought I've seen it all, but this is special. You know

but this is special. You know the patriots are more than a

the patriots are more than a football team for me. They are

football team for me. They are family. And guys, it's so good

family. And guys, it's so good to see all of you here again.

To see all of you here again. Thank you so much for

thank you so much for everything you did for us. And

everything you did for us. And you're like many family

you're like many family reunions. There is some people

reunions. There is some people I'm desperately trying to

I'm desperately trying to avoid. Coach belichick, good to

avoid. Coach belichick, good to see you. You really look good

see you. You really look good in sleeves. Tonight has really

in sleeves. Tonight has really been funny, but Julian, let's

been funny, but Julian, let's be honest and realistic, i'm

be honest and realistic, i'm not inviting you to my funeral.

Not inviting you to my funeral. Tom, good luck buying the

Tom, good luck buying the raiders. They'll dig your

raiders. They'll dig your favorite thing for you already.

Favorite thing for you already. They got rid of Jimmy

they got rid of Jimmy garoppolo. But in all

garoppolo. But in all seriousness, Tommy, and this is

seriousness, Tommy, and this is very meaningful to me because I

very meaningful to me because I remember him coming down the

remember him coming down the stairs at the old foxborough

stairs at the old foxborough stadium 24 years ago. For $6

stadium 24 years ago. For $6 million, it was not fancy like

million, it was not fancy like this play here. But the first

this play here. But the first thing he came down with a pizza

thing he came down with a pizza box under his arm and said, you

box under his arm and said, you know, I'm Tom Brady. I said I

know, I'm Tom Brady. I said I know who you are. You're our

know who you are. You're our sixth round draft choice.

Sixth round draft choice. Number 199. He looked me

number 199. He looked me straight in the eye and he said

straight in the eye and he said yes, and I'm the best decision

yes, and I'm the best decision this organization has ever

this organization has ever made. So nothing could be

made. So nothing could be truer. I want to raise this

truer. I want to raise this drink to you and say you will

drink to you and say you will always be special to my family,

always be special to my family, and I love you, Tommy.

And one more thing, in case Vladimir putin, you're

Vladimir putin, you're watching, give me my fucking

watching, give me my fucking ring back, will you?

Ring back, will you? Wow. Robert kraft bringing

wow. Robert kraft bringing the heat. He wrote that, all of

the heat. He wrote that, all of that himself. He wouldn't let

that himself. He wouldn't let us give him anything. That's

us give him anything. That's all him. That's right,

all him. That's right, Vladimir. Give him the fucking

Vladimir. Give him the fucking ring. I got you. Yeah, no,

ring. I got you. Yeah, no, Robert, I got you. You already

Robert, I got you. You already know. I fucking got you. No

know. I fucking got you. No trashing Robert kraft tonight.

Trashing Robert kraft tonight. Not on my watch. Not on my

not on my watch. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. But

watch. Not on my watch. But Robert, I do have some

Robert, I do have some questions. I just... it's

questions. I just... it's nothing. It's just a question.

Nothing. It's just a question. You and bill are so far apart

you and bill are so far apart from each other. I just feel

from each other. I just feel like why don't you take a shot

like why don't you take a shot together, man? Yeah. Yeah.

Together, man? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do

yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do it. Bill? Let's make the

it. Bill? Let's make the uncomfortable comfortable,

uncomfortable comfortable, right? Pour bill a shot. No,

right? Pour bill a shot. No, gronk, gronk, that little black

gronk, gronk, that little black cup, pour some of that in his

cup, pour some of that in his cup. Pour it in bill's cup. In

cup. Pour it in bill's cup. In bill's, goddamnit, gronk.

Bill's, goddamnit, gronk. Fuck. Gronk, pour it in his cup

fuck. Gronk, pour it in his cup and take a shot. I love it.

And take a shot. I love it. Okay, Robert is here. Wait,

okay, Robert is here. Wait, bill, don't move. Bill. Bill.

Bill, don't move. Bill. Bill. This is a big moment, bill.

I want to say this is the greatest coach in the history

greatest coach in the history of the game that did what no

of the game that did what no one else has done. And having

one else has done. And having Tom Brady and him was the

Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good lord

greatest honor the good lord gave me.

Gave me. Drink it. A black manmade

drink it. A black manmade that happen. That's right.

That happen. That's right. That's right. A black man from

that's right. A black man from north Philadelphia took the

north Philadelphia took the racism out of Boston, ended the

racism out of Boston, ended the beef. This is a beef. By the

beef. This is a beef. By the way this beef is bigger than

way this beef is bigger than Drake and Kendrick. It's that

Drake and Kendrick. It's that big. Holy shit. I can't

big. Holy shit. I can't believe they actually did it.

Believe they actually did it. Good shit, bill. Robert, good

good shit, bill. Robert, good shit. By the way, remind Robert

shit. By the way, remind Robert where he is. He may not

where he is. He may not remember in a second. So when

remember in a second. So when he gets to that seat, tell him

he gets to that seat, tell him what he did because that's my

what he did because that's my friend. He needs to know. I

friend. He needs to know. I love you. I love you, Rob. All

love you. I love you, Rob. All right, guys, listen, we have a

right, guys, listen, we have a very special guest here

very special guest here tonight, right? This guest is a

tonight, right? This guest is a great friend of mine. One of

great friend of mine. One of the most famous guys from

the most famous guys from Boston. Seriously. One of the

Boston. Seriously. One of the most. I would say, I would say

most. I would say, I would say there is only about two or

there is only about two or three, but this guy here in my

three, but this guy here in my opinion is the one. Please show

opinion is the one. Please show some love to Ben Affleck.

Got here just in time, I see. Tom, I got to say, how are

see. Tom, I got to say, how are you doing? How are ya? This is

you doing? How are ya? This is pretty fucking ballsy. Is life

pretty fucking ballsy. Is life too fucking good? You're like

too fucking good? You're like they've kicked my ass for

they've kicked my ass for three hours. I've got to tell

three hours. I've got to tell you, this settles it. You

you, this settles it. You won't find me volunteering for

won't find me volunteering for the Ben Affleck roast. As I

the Ben Affleck roast. As I like to call it, Thursday. Any

like to call it, Thursday. Any way hi, you may know me as an

way hi, you may know me as an extra from Tom's dunkin' boy

extra from Tom's dunkin' boy band super bowl commercial. In

band super bowl commercial. In fact it was during that shoot

fact it was during that shoot that Tom asked me to look at

that Tom asked me to look at his social media accounts for

his social media accounts for him. I guess for some reason he

him. I guess for some reason he thinks I get a lot of online

thinks I get a lot of online criticism. I do. But I took a

criticism. I do. But I took a look at it. I've got to tell

look at it. I've got to tell you, I didn't even last two

you, I didn't even last two fucking hours. It was the most

fucking hours. It was the most toxic thing I have ever

toxic thing I have ever experienced. And that is saying

experienced. And that is saying something. For instance here is

something. For instance here is one line that I remember from

one line that I remember from tall boy Henry bill... there is

tall boy Henry bill... there is a lot of l's. Brady was just a

a lot of l's. Brady was just a quarterback with no arm

quarterback with no arm strength, a whiny pussy with a

strength, a whiny pussy with a lot of protections from the

lot of protections from the refs. He sucks, fuck you, fuck,

refs. He sucks, fuck you, fuck, you Tom Brady. Thanks tall boy,

you Tom Brady. Thanks tall boy, Henry. That's the kind of

Henry. That's the kind of stuff that Tom gets all day

stuff that Tom gets all day long. You know, meanwhile Tom

long. You know, meanwhile Tom and all these guys up here,

and all these guys up here, you've heard them say they

you've heard them say they don't say anything because it

don't say anything because it is always about oh no, you

is always about oh no, you know, it is all about the fans.

Know, it is all about the fans. You know, we couldn't do it

you know, we couldn't do it without the fans. Let me let

without the fans. Let me let you know about a little secret,

you know about a little secret, Tom can do it without you. He

Tom can do it without you. He really can. They're talking

really can. They're talking shit behind your fucking aol

shit behind your fucking aol account and suburban buffalo

account and suburban buffalo about the guy's arm strength

about the guy's arm strength being his fucking systems guy.

Being his fucking systems guy. Tom was the system, okay? He

Tom was the system, okay? He has seven rings. You took seven

has seven rings. You took seven years to get your ged. I mean

years to get your ged. I mean arm strength. This is the NFL.

Arm strength. This is the NFL. You'll be in the fucking

you'll be in the fucking hospital if you will step on

hospital if you will step on the field for one play. I mean,

the field for one play. I mean, you know, you guys, look, fans

you know, you guys, look, fans fucking have your back, right?

Fucking have your back, right? They buy tickets, they show up.

They buy tickets, they show up. Win or fucking lose, they

win or fucking lose, they support you. I know. I went to

support you. I know. I went to foxborough where Steve grogen

foxborough where Steve grogen was the founding quarterback.

Was the founding quarterback. Yeah. Like you sitting there

yeah. Like you sitting there fucking hiding behind your

fucking hiding behind your keyboard, spewing out all this

keyboard, spewing out all this fucking toxic shit about people

fucking toxic shit about people you'll be afraid to come up to

you'll be afraid to come up to it if you saw them at the car

it if you saw them at the car wash. You know, people went out

wash. You know, people went out there and did something who

there and did something who were successful or even if

were successful or even if another player ended up

another player ended up catching the fucking football

catching the fucking football in his helmet. Maybe they

in his helmet. Maybe they failed. But fans have your

failed. But fans have your back, okay? You guys out there,

back, okay? You guys out there, talking shit, all right, behind

talking shit, all right, behind your fucking keyboard. That

your fucking keyboard. That doesn't make you a fan. That

doesn't make you a fan. That makes you a bitch. Look, Tom

makes you a bitch. Look, Tom started his career as arguably

started his career as arguably the slowest least physically

the slowest least physically impressive non-kicker to ever

impressive non-kicker to ever put on an NFL uniform including

put on an NFL uniform including massage therapist. I mean look

massage therapist. I mean look at the fucking guy. You know

at the fucking guy. You know what I mean? He went to the pro

what I mean? He went to the pro bowl. He started his career

bowl. He started his career with the physique of a

with the physique of a professional bowler with a

professional bowler with a smaller right arm. Overcame all

smaller right arm. Overcame all that to become the goat. You

that to become the goat. You didn't overcome a modest

didn't overcome a modest fucking flight of stairs

fucking flight of stairs without your rescue inhaler.

Without your rescue inhaler. Fuck you, tall boy. You suck. A

fuck you, tall boy. You suck. A bunch of football experts

bunch of football experts living. I appreciate it. And

living. I appreciate it. And living on their aunt's couch,

living on their aunt's couch, saying like oh, Tom, you know,

saying like oh, Tom, you know, you should have thrown to the

you should have thrown to the slant receiver against the

slant receiver against the dolphins. Or Tom, you should

dolphins. Or Tom, you should have seen the fucking

have seen the fucking quarterback when you threw that

quarterback when you threw that pick six in the super bowl

pick six in the super bowl against Atlanta. Actually that

against Atlanta. Actually that was terrible. There's no excuse

was terrible. There's no excuse for that. I don't even know

for that. I don't even know what to say. But look,

what to say. But look, essentially fans, I get it.

Essentially fans, I get it. They pay the salaries. But

they pay the salaries. But could you imagine, just try to

could you imagine, just try to think of a less rewarding, more

think of a less rewarding, more agonizing professional

agonizing professional experience that effectively

experience that effectively working for somebody, you go

working for somebody, you go out and fucking kill it,

out and fucking kill it, succeed every day to the degree

succeed every day to the degree that that fucking level, and

that that fucking level, and then you need to go online and

then you need to go online and read that shit. I can't think

read that shit. I can't think of a more fucked up

of a more fucked up dysfunctional horrible working

dysfunctional horrible working system designed to perpetually

system designed to perpetually make people feel awful. You

make people feel awful. You know what I mean? It's all

know what I mean? It's all that much of a fucking

that much of a fucking miserable prick and you can't

miserable prick and you can't do anything. I didn't know, I

do anything. I didn't know, I didn't know you were going to

didn't know you were going to be here, bill. I actually can

be here, bill. I actually can think of one. That was my bit,

think of one. That was my bit, but actually I'm not going to

but actually I'm not going to... I don't

but actually I'm not going to... I don't think I will

but actually I'm not going to... I don't think I will ever

I don't think I will ever have this chance again. Bill.

Have this chance again. Bill. What's up? I'm probably never

what's up? I'm probably never going to work again after being

going to work again after being a part of this after tonight.

A part of this after tonight. But I've got a question. Yes.

But I've got a question. Yes. That's the thing. You blow the

that's the thing. You blow the whistle. You have that look on

whistle. You have that look on your face like everyone works

your face like everyone works for you. You know what I mean?

For you. You know what I mean? I got season tickets, you work

I got season tickets, you work for me mother fucker. I want to

for me mother fucker. I want to ask you a question, okay. It's

ask you a question, okay. It's not about Malcolm Butler.

Not about Malcolm Butler. There's no answer to that

there's no answer to that question. I get it. I know, I

question. I get it. I know, I watched the press conferences,

watched the press conferences, you know, you're not a talker,

you know, you're not a talker, no chitchat, no comment, moving

no chitchat, no comment, moving on to Cincinnati. I don't know

on to Cincinnati. I don't know how you get away with that,

how you get away with that, honestly. Look, in my business,

honestly. Look, in my business, even if you make justice

even if you make justice league, you don't think I want

league, you don't think I want to move on to Cincinnati? Oh,

to move on to Cincinnati? Oh, the global press tour, and

the global press tour, and they're like get out there and

they're like get out there and talk to the cameras, champ. I

talk to the cameras, champ. I want to move on to Cincinnati.

Want to move on to Cincinnati. No. It doesn't matter if they

no. It doesn't matter if they make memes out of you, talk.

Make memes out of you, talk. Any way I just... I just have

any way I just... I just have this question, and I guess, you

this question, and I guess, you know, I think I'd like to get

know, I think I'd like to get an answer. It's pretty simple,

an answer. It's pretty simple, you know, we're not going to

you know, we're not going to move on. I've got nowhere to

move on. I've got nowhere to go, you know? I just want to

go, you know? I just want to know, what the fuck does a guy

know, what the fuck does a guy have to do to make bill

have to do to make bill belichick happy? How about just

belichick happy? How about just to see some teeth? You've got

to see some teeth? You've got to cure cancer? And they're

to cure cancer? And they're watching the super bowl, Tom.

Watching the super bowl, Tom. Those are touchdown passes. Win

those are touchdown passes. Win again, and bill is looking at

again, and bill is looking at him like, you know, fucking Tom

him like, you know, fucking Tom shitting his cheerios. That was

shitting his cheerios. That was the look on your face. Do you

the look on your face. Do you know what the look on my face

know what the look on my face would be if I were a football

would be if I were a football coach and Tom Brady was my

coach and Tom Brady was my quarterback? [ Laughter

coach and Tom Brady was my quarterback?

Thank you very much.

Another piece of white boy humor.

This is the first time I ever wished Netflix had

ever wished Netflix had commercials.

Commercials. All right, guys, we are

all right, guys, we are fucking rearing the end of the

fucking rearing the end of the show. By the way at the end, it

show. By the way at the end, it just gets better because this

just gets better because this is a moment we have all been

is a moment we have all been waiting for. It's the main

waiting for. It's the main event. By the main event, I do

event. By the main event, I do mean main event. So do me a

mean main event. So do me a favor and get on your feet for

favor and get on your feet for the moment that we have all

the moment that we have all been waiting for. The man of

been waiting for. The man of the hour. That's right, the

the hour. That's right, the fucking legend. And when we

fucking legend. And when we talk about goddamn legends,

talk about goddamn legends, I'm talking about Peyton

I'm talking about Peyton Manning!

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kevin. When Kevin reached

you, Kevin. When Kevin reached out to me about roasting Tom,

out to me about roasting Tom, he told me he wanted me to be a

he told me he wanted me to be a surprise at the end of the

surprise at the end of the night. And he also told me how

night. And he also told me how desperate Netflix was for

desperate Netflix was for downloads. They said Peyton,

downloads. They said Peyton, you've got to help us out.

You've got to help us out. Aaron Rodgers can't make it

Aaron Rodgers can't make it anymore. No one really knows

anymore. No one really knows who Julian edelman is. And

who Julian edelman is. And gronkowski probably can't read

gronkowski probably can't read a teleprompter. How great is

a teleprompter. How great is Rob gronkowski? When I think of

Rob gronkowski? When I think of gronk... when I think of gronk,

gronk... when I think of gronk, I really think of firsts. He's

I really think of firsts. He's the first tight end to lead the

the first tight end to lead the NFL in receiving touchdowns.

NFL in receiving touchdowns. He's going to be a

he's going to be a first-ballot hall of famer. And

first-ballot hall of famer. And by the looks of him, his

by the looks of him, his parents were first cousins. It

parents were first cousins. It is great to see the greatest

is great to see the greatest coach in NFL history, coach

coach in NFL history, coach bill belichick here. For those

bill belichick here. For those that don't know, coach is

that don't know, coach is doing some work on Monday night

doing some work on Monday night football show this year. I've

football show this year. I've got to tell you, it's going to

got to tell you, it's going to be awesome. Eli and I are super

be awesome. Eli and I are super excited, and it's going to

excited, and it's going to give coach belichick something

give coach belichick something he hasn't had in a while. A

he hasn't had in a while. A chance to be around

chance to be around quarterbacks that he respects.

Quarterbacks that he respects. Honestly it is great to be with

honestly it is great to be with a bunch of people sitting

a bunch of people sitting around, talking smack about Tom

around, talking smack about Tom Brady or as we call that in the

Brady or as we call that in the Manning family, Thanksgiving.

Manning family, Thanksgiving. True story after spending

true story after spending several Thanksgiving with my

several Thanksgiving with my participants, my kids now

participants, my kids now excuse themselves to use the

excuse themselves to use the bathroom by saying I have to go

bathroom by saying I have to go take a Brady. In all

take a Brady. In all seriousness, let me tell you

seriousness, let me tell you about Tom Brady, the man. Tom

about Tom Brady, the man. Tom is making a donation to every

is making a donation to every one of his former teammates

one of his former teammates charities that came here

charities that came here tonight. I've got to tell you,

tonight. I've got to tell you, Tom, that is first class. Hey

Tom, that is first class. Hey fellas, don't let him pay you

fellas, don't let him pay you in crypto. Tom, even though we

in crypto. Tom, even though we were bitter rivals, we've

were bitter rivals, we've become really good friends. I

become really good friends. I appreciate our friendship.

Appreciate our friendship. Although Tom and I are still

although Tom and I are still very different. Like my idea of

very different. Like my idea of a fun Saturday night is going

a fun Saturday night is going to a local bar with my friends,

to a local bar with my friends, shooting a little pool. While

shooting a little pool. While Tom's idea of a fun Saturday

Tom's idea of a fun Saturday night is going to the met gala

night is going to the met gala dressed as the most fabulous

dressed as the most fabulous general on the death star. My

general on the death star. My idea of dinner is applebee's.

Idea of dinner is applebee's. Tom's idea of dinner is eating

Tom's idea of dinner is eating apples and bees. Of course, we

apples and bees. Of course, we all know Tom has five more

all know Tom has five more super bowl rings than I do. He

super bowl rings than I do. He also has more touchdowns. He

also has more touchdowns. He also has more touchdowns than I

also has more touchdowns than I do, more passing yards, more

do, more passing yards, more retirements, more fake hair.

Retirements, more fake hair. More tb12 bankruptcies. That is

more tb12 bankruptcies. That is all true, okay. But I remember

all true, okay. But I remember once Tom told me Peyton,

once Tom told me Peyton, numbers don't matter. Sure, it

numbers don't matter. Sure, it was right before he deleted

was right before he deleted every number in his phone

every number in his phone because NFL investigators were

because NFL investigators were about to kick down his door.

About to kick down his door. But was still nice of him to

but was still nice of him to say. One thing that Tom and I

say. One thing that Tom and I definitely have in common

definitely have in common though is our love of the game

though is our love of the game of golf. And hey listen, not to

of golf. And hey listen, not to brag, we're both pretty good

brag, we're both pretty good players. My handicap is a 6.4,

players. My handicap is a 6.4, while Tom's handicap is

while Tom's handicap is blowing leads in the super bowl

blowing leads in the super bowl to my brother, Eli. But look, I

to my brother, Eli. But look, I want nothing, but the best for

want nothing, but the best for my friend, Tom Brady. Now that

my friend, Tom Brady. Now that we're both in broadcasting,

we're both in broadcasting, some people think it's a

some people think it's a rivalry again, that I want to

rivalry again, that I want to see Tom fail. That I want to

see Tom fail. That I want to see him embarrass himself and

see him embarrass himself and get fired. That is absolutely

get fired. That is absolutely ridiculous. It's coach

ridiculous. It's coach belichick who wants that.

Belichick who wants that. Ladies and gentlemen, it is

ladies and gentlemen, it is almost time for the guest of

almost time for the guest of honor to defend himself. The

honor to defend himself. The last time, the last time Tom

last time, the last time Tom Brady had to wait this long to

Brady had to wait this long to get on stage, it was the 2000

get on stage, it was the 2000 NFL draft.

He is a three-time super bowl loser. Please welcome Tom

loser. Please welcome Tom Brady!

[ Music

Thank you.

Awe, thank you. Thank you. I've had a lot of Tequila. I've been

had a lot of Tequila. I've been up here for two hours listening

up here for two hours listening to a bunch of shitty jokes.

To a bunch of shitty jokes. Where the fuck did Peyton just

where the fuck did Peyton just walk off the stage? Peyton,

walk off the stage? Peyton, thank you so much for coming

thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know

out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver

sometimes you live in Denver and sometimes you live in

and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you'll always

Louisiana, but you'll always live in my shadow.

When I heard there was a slow white bronco heading down the

white bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I

405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a

thought we might actually see a real football legend. Peyton

real football legend. Peyton and I, we go way back. When we

and I, we go way back. When we started playing, Brett favre

started playing, Brett favre was still faxing his dick pics.

Was still faxing his dick pics. And Antonio kamardi only had

and Antonio kamardi only had one kid. Well, folks, here we

one kid. Well, folks, here we are once again, a packed arena,

are once again, a packed arena, five minutes on the clock.

Five minutes on the clock. Everything on the line. We need

everything on the line. We need a hero. Someone to come from

a hero. Someone to come from behind and pull this cluster

behind and pull this cluster fuck out of the toilet. What

fuck out of the toilet. What the fuck did you guys do here

the fuck did you guys do here tonight? Looks like it's time

tonight? Looks like it's time for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady

for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. to step up and lead us to

Jr. to step up and lead us to glory. Because you and I know

glory. Because you and I know and everyone in this dump knows

and everyone in this dump knows he can do it. Yep, the word

he can do it. Yep, the word hero comes to mind. But I

hero comes to mind. But I struggle with that word.

Struggle with that word. Because like the rest of

because like the rest of america, I'll always remember

america, I'll always remember where I was that faithful day

where I was that faithful day in September of 2001, when

in September of 2001, when tragically those two jets

tragically those two jets slammed into drew bledsoe.

Jeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this.

For talking me into doing this. Another thing that I'm great

another thing that I'm great at. Who knew. Oh yeah. I did.

At. Who knew. Oh yeah. I did. Because I'm about to replace

because I'm about to replace you as the greatest roaster of

you as the greatest roaster of all time. So hit the bench,

all time. So hit the bench, Jeff. Tonight you're Jew

Jeff. Tonight you're Jew bledsoe. People ask, Tom, why

bledsoe. People ask, Tom, why would you do this roast now?

Would you do this roast now? It's simple. I can take all

it's simple. I can take all the hits. I would have done

the hits. I would have done this earlier, but I've been

this earlier, but I've been too busy winning championships.

Too busy winning championships. Which explains why Peyton did

which explains why Peyton did this roast eight years ago. So

this roast eight years ago. So let's fucking go!

I heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You

me having bad knees. You nominees are so fucked up,

nominees are so fucked up, Kevin, because I spent so many

Kevin, because I spent so many goddamn hours on the floor

goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get

begging Netflix to get chappelle to host this. Yeah.

Chappelle to host this. Yeah. Fuck you, Kevin.

Sit your ass down. Let's go. Professor gronkowski. My boy.

Professor gronkowski. My boy. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being here. Despite everything we've seen

despite everything we've seen here tonight, gronk was

here tonight, gronk was actually useful on the field,

actually useful on the field, although the bar for patriot

although the bar for patriot tight ends was pretty low back

tight ends was pretty low back then. Block, catch, don't

then. Block, catch, don't murder.

Thanks to me, gronk was so beloved there's a baby rhino

beloved there's a baby rhino in the tampa zoo named after

in the tampa zoo named after him. And gronk, I'm here to

him. And gronk, I'm here to say you are not the father. You

say you are not the father. You can stop sending those checks.

When you're Tom Brady, you're not only feared, you're envied.

Not only feared, you're envied. People want to be you, right,

people want to be you, right, Julian?

Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on

house, swim in my pool, try on my fucking jocker or any other

my fucking jocker or any other sick shit you do when I'm not

sick shit you do when I'm not around, but you're a fucking

around, but you're a fucking stalker, bro. You'll never be

stalker, bro. You'll never be me ever. Ever. Nah, now you can

me ever. Ever. Nah, now you can date a model or four, steal my

date a model or four, steal my Cologne, actively lobby to get

Cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the

Peyton Manning removed from the hall of fame, but you'll never

hall of fame, but you'll never be me. By the way, I want to

be me. By the way, I want to set the record straight.

Set the record straight. Certain haters, you've been up

certain haters, you've been up here talking shit about me not

here talking shit about me not having any black receivers. I

having any black receivers. I never noticed. White players,

never noticed. White players, black players, even if I take

black players, even if I take their job while lying in a

their job while lying in a fucking hospital bed coughing

fucking hospital bed coughing up blood. They all get rings

up blood. They all get rings when they play with Tom Brady,

when they play with Tom Brady, right, drew? Unless you're

right, drew? Unless you're Randy moss. Can you believe

Randy moss. Can you believe that guy up here begging me, t

that guy up here begging me, t boy, give me one of your rings.

Boy, give me one of your rings. Give you a ring? Bitch, please,

give you a ring? Bitch, please, you'll be lucky if I send you

you'll be lucky if I send you a text. I'm not sitting on

a text. I'm not sitting on some plank trying to hook me a

some plank trying to hook me a cat fish. I'm Tom Brady. I got

cat fish. I'm Tom Brady. I got shit to do. Where did Ben

shit to do. Where did Ben Affleck go? Look at Ben

Affleck go? Look at Ben Affleck. He's a huge movie

Affleck. He's a huge movie star. Jersey girl, phantom,

star. Jersey girl, phantom, Batman. And he's here

Batman. And he's here defending me? When has Ben

defending me? When has Ben Affleck ever made a bad

Affleck ever made a bad decision? Glazer, schulz,

decision? Glazer, schulz, hinchcliffe, who picked this

hinchcliffe, who picked this shitty lineup? The New York

shitty lineup? The New York jets front office? Nice fucking

jets front office? Nice fucking haircut. But I'm not going to

haircut. But I'm not going to say shit about Sam Jay because

say shit about Sam Jay because she looks like that fucking

she looks like that fucking dude who shredded my acl. I

dude who shredded my acl. I don't care if you're from

don't care if you're from Boston. Kim Kardashian, thank

Boston. Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here. I

you so much for being here. I know Kim was terrified to be

know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of

here tonight. Not because of this but because her kids are

this but because her kids are at home with their dad.

We got so many great football greats here tonight, but

greats here tonight, but where's Roger goodell? I know.

Where's Roger goodell? I know. Remember deflategate? The NFL

remember deflategate? The NFL spent $20 million and found it

spent $20 million and found it was more probable than not that

was more probable than not that I was generally aware that

I was generally aware that someone may have deflated my

someone may have deflated my footballs. You could have just

footballs. You could have just given me the $20 million and I

given me the $20 million and I would have told you I fucking

would have told you I fucking did it.

But I don't want to get the NFL too upset. I'm trying to

NFL too upset. I'm trying to buy a piece of the raiders.

Buy a piece of the raiders. I'm tired of just owning the

I'm tired of just owning the colts and the bills. Buffalo

colts and the bills. Buffalo fans called themselves the

fans called themselves the bills mafia. How are you the

bills mafia. How are you the fucking mafia? At least the

fucking mafia? At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss.

Mafia has a ring you can kiss. While we're at it, screw colts

while we're at it, screw colts fans. Colts are just broncos

fans. Colts are just broncos who don't fuck.

Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest? It

stadium is the loudest? It helps when all your fans are

helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls.

And in honor of taytay, let's take a look at the chiefs era.

Take a look at the chiefs era. Terrible for 50 years, good for

terrible for 50 years, good for five. Shake it off.

Philly fans are just racist assholes. But Kevin hart is

assholes. But Kevin hart is from there, so I get it. Yeah,

from there, so I get it. Yeah, fuck you, Kevin. In Philly they

fuck you, Kevin. In Philly they have to grease up the light

have to grease up the light Poles, so people don't climb

Poles, so people don't climb them after games. You know how

them after games. You know how they grease up those Poles?

They grease up those Poles? They rub someone from

they rub someone from Philadelphia on them. And

Philadelphia on them. And giants fans, fuck Eli and fuck

giants fans, fuck Eli and fuck you twice.

And now for the real reason you are all here, coach bill

are all here, coach bill belichick. Everybody asks me

belichick. Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I

which ring is my favorite. I used to say the next one. But

used to say the next one. But now that I'm retired, my

now that I'm retired, my favorite ring is the camera

favorite ring is the camera that caught coach belichick

that caught coach belichick shrinking out of that poor

shrinking out of that poor girl's house at 6:00 A.M. a

girl's house at 6:00 A.M. a few months ago. Hey, you still

few months ago. Hey, you still got it. Respect, baby. You know

got it. Respect, baby. You know we've been through so much.

We've been through so much. After two decades, I finally

after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along it

had to admit that all along it was you. You're the reason for

was you. You're the reason for the patriots dynasty because

the patriots dynasty because you, bill belichick, you are a

you, bill belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean

true coaching genius. I mean you had to choose between an

you had to choose between an aging injured, overpaid drew

aging injured, overpaid drew bledsoe, and a young healthy

bledsoe, and a young healthy minimum wage super star. I

minimum wage super star. I could have got a fucking coach

could have got a fucking coach from foxborough fucking high

from foxborough fucking high school to make that decision.

School to make that decision. Run it again, belichick. I've

run it again, belichick. I've been out of the game for a

been out of the game for a minute, so I'm curious. How

minute, so I'm curious. How many super bowl rings have you

many super bowl rings have you won since I left? Maybe it's

won since I left? Maybe it's not just the guy in the

not just the guy in the sideline. When I go to the indy

sideline. When I go to the indy 500, I don't ask the winning

500, I don't ask the winning driver, hey, who gassed up your

driver, hey, who gassed up your car? There have been a lot of

car? There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is

jokes tonight, but the truth is I miss the love of my life,

I miss the love of my life, football. So to my fans, it's

football. So to my fans, it's been an honor to be your guy

been an honor to be your guy that you can count on to get

that you can count on to get the team down the field and

the team down the field and somehow pull off a last-minute

somehow pull off a last-minute miracle victory, what's called

miracle victory, what's called in football a Tom Brady. And to

in football a Tom Brady. And to all the rest of you who have

all the rest of you who have been talking shit about me for

been talking shit about me for 20 fucking years. I've got one

20 fucking years. I've got one thing to say. Lose my number.

Thing to say. Lose my number. Fuck them all, baby!

[ Cheering

Get on your fucking feet one time for the goat himself! Tom

time for the goat himself! Tom Brady! Now Tom, one second. One

Brady! Now Tom, one second. One second. One quick second. All

second. One quick second. All right, Tom, this is a me thing.

Right, Tom, this is a me thing. I'm like all right, if i'm

I'm like all right, if i'm going to do it, well Tom has to

going to do it, well Tom has to leave with something to match

leave with something to match the energy of the success he's

the energy of the success he's had along the years. So Tom, we

had along the years. So Tom, we decided to do was add another

decided to do was add another ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you

ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you deserve another fucking ring.

Deserve another fucking ring. But a ring fitted for a goat

but a ring fitted for a goat like yourself. Put it on.

Like yourself. Put it on. Oh, I love that.

Oh, I love that. That's right, put it on.

That's right, put it on. Ladies and gentlemen, that's

ladies and gentlemen, that's Tom fucking Brady, and this is

Tom fucking Brady, and this is a live event on Netflix, and

a live event on Netflix, and you are live. Thank you all for

you are live. Thank you all for watching. Thank you all for

watching. Thank you all for supporting. More importantly,

supporting. More importantly, thank you for laughing. I love

thank you for laughing. I love you guys so much. Good night.