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WEBVTT
00:00:04.838 --> 00:00:07.841 line:20%
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
00:00:15.715 --> 00:00:17.717 position:20% line:20%
[ electricity crackling ]
00:00:18.017 --> 00:00:20.019 line:20%
It's alive!
00:00:37.937 --> 00:00:39.372
[ austrian accent ] Yes! Yes!
00:00:39.439 --> 00:00:40.173 position:20%
Yes!
00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:42.842
It takes two for out of sight!
00:00:44.444 --> 00:00:49.249 position:20%
[ crashing, explosions ]
[ powering down ]
00:00:49.315 --> 00:00:49.849 position:20%
D'oh!
00:00:49.916 --> 00:00:51.451
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
00:00:51.518 --> 00:00:54.020 position:20%
I tol you road head was a bad
Idea.
00:00:54.087 --> 00:00:54.921
Hello, earthling.
00:00:54.988 --> 00:00:56.990 position:20%
We were on... Oooh!
00:00:57.056 --> 00:00:58.658 line:50%
Why are you...
00:01:06.366 --> 00:01:08.668
This is starting... To hurt
ohh!
00:01:08.735 --> 00:01:11.871 line:20%
And that's what I did to the
First aliens I found.
00:01:11.938 --> 00:01:14.941 position:20% line:20%
Unless you want some of the
Same, you just better mind your
00:01:15.008 --> 00:01:16.042 line:20%
P's and q's.
00:01:16.109 --> 00:01:17.510 line:20%
[ crying ]
[ sighs ]
00:01:17.577 --> 00:01:20.013 position:20% line:20%
Honey, do you have to make up
Such horrible stories?
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:22.048 line:20%
Martha, that boy is
Invulnerable.
00:01:22.115 --> 00:01:23.917 line:20%
I can't just spank him.
00:01:23.983 --> 00:01:27.053
[ hispanic accent ] I don't
Often drink beer, but when I do,
00:01:27.120 --> 00:01:29.022 position:20%
I usually suck three or four
Male penises.
00:01:29.088 --> 00:01:31.958 position:20%
And on several nonconsecutive
Occasions, I've run over a pet.
00:01:32.025 --> 00:01:34.494 position:20%
Oh, and once, I raped my own
Uncle.
00:01:34.561 --> 00:01:40.333 position:20%
That is why I don't often drink
Beer.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:43.336
Even though janet is no
Longer with us, she's still
00:01:43.403 --> 00:01:44.471
Alive in my heart.
00:01:44.537 --> 00:01:45.972
I love you, my baby girl.
00:01:46.039 --> 00:01:49.876
We will now hear a few words
From janet's friend diablo cody.
00:01:49.943 --> 00:01:52.078
Janet was a holympic athlete.
00:01:52.145 --> 00:01:53.980
And her sport? Flirting.
00:01:54.047 --> 00:01:55.949 position:20%
When we hung out, it was like
Flirt and ernie.
00:01:56.015 --> 00:01:58.952 position:20%
Screw the recession... that girl
Was alw in business.
00:01:59.018 --> 00:02:01.054 position:20%
She was hotter than an oven on
The sun.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:03.990
She was always sexting these
Incredible hunks, like josh.
00:02:04.057 --> 00:02:06.759 position:20%
I thought he was a homo-skillet,
But that's besides the
00:02:06.826 --> 00:02:08.194
Tito puente.
00:02:08.261 --> 00:02:10.539 position:20%
On a scale of one to zen, janet
Was my "B" to the double "F"
00:02:10.563 --> 00:02:13.099 position:20%
Power, and I'm gonna miss her
Like demeanor elliot.
00:02:13.166 --> 00:02:15.401 position:20%
You know, janet was my
Fashionista sister.
00:02:15.468 --> 00:02:16.870
She had this one tube top.
00:02:16.936 --> 00:02:19.472 position:20%
The thing made her look like a
Pixy stick smuggling
00:02:19.539 --> 00:02:21.975 position:20%
Volleyballs smuggling grapes
Smuggling craisins.
00:02:22.041 --> 00:02:25.011 position:20%
So, put your mitts together and
Make some alfred.
00:02:25.078 --> 00:02:27.113
Alfred noyes... the poet.
00:02:27.180 --> 00:02:28.114
Make some noise.
00:02:28.181 --> 00:02:29.701 position:20%
All right, I'm out like slap
Bracelets.
00:02:29.749 --> 00:02:31.351 position:20%
Peace in the middle yeast
Infection.
00:02:31.417 --> 00:02:33.987
[ all gasp ]
Shut the [bleep] Up already!
00:02:34.053 --> 00:02:36.122
Mom, why is diablo cody here?
00:02:36.189 --> 00:02:38.224 position:20%
Did you even read my suicide
Note?
00:02:38.291 --> 00:02:40.126
[ up-tempo '60s music plays ]
[ chuckles ]
00:02:40.193 --> 00:02:42.829
Most of us will die in vietnam,
But at least it'll teach america
00:02:42.896 --> 00:02:45.965 position:20%
A valuable lesson on fighting
Needless wars.
00:02:46.032 --> 00:02:51.738 line:20%
[ video-game theme music plays ]
All right.
00:02:51.804 --> 00:02:53.206 position:20%
[ chuckles ]
Come on!
00:02:53.273 --> 00:02:53.773 position:20%
Oh!
00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:54.541 position:20%
No!
00:02:54.607 --> 00:02:56.376
You contra bastards!
00:02:56.442 --> 00:02:57.577
Or are we the contras?
00:02:57.644 --> 00:02:58.511
I never got that.
00:02:58.578 --> 00:02:59.979
[ beeping ]
I'm back!
00:03:00.046 --> 00:03:01.347
Blue pants! You're alive?!
00:03:01.414 --> 00:03:02.148
I guess so.
00:03:02.215 --> 00:03:03.249
Maybe we're immortal.
00:03:03.316 --> 00:03:05.518
Let's find out.
00:03:05.585 --> 00:03:06.519 position:20%
Aah!
00:03:06.586 --> 00:03:09.455
[ beeping ]
Both: "Groundhog day" [bleep]
00:03:09.522 --> 00:03:12.058
You want to kill me, but you
Can't!
00:03:12.125 --> 00:03:14.260
Low hand, high hand, and poke
You in the peepers!
00:03:14.327 --> 00:03:15.261
Hey, check it out.
00:03:15.328 --> 00:03:15.995
Give me a hand.
00:03:16.062 --> 00:03:18.598
Ooh! Boom on your helmet!
00:03:18.665 --> 00:03:22.001 position:20%
♪ doing the running man
♪ running as fast as I can
00:03:22.068 --> 00:03:23.169
Wall of spikes!
00:03:23.236 --> 00:03:24.170
Hey, how you doing?
00:03:24.237 --> 00:03:26.005
Excuse me, soldier, I was
Wondering...
00:03:26.072 --> 00:03:26.606
Oh, yeah!
00:03:26.673 --> 00:03:27.206
Boom diggity!
00:03:27.273 --> 00:03:28.041
Ballsville!
00:03:28.107 --> 00:03:29.475
Oh, your pellet hurt me!
00:03:29.542 --> 00:03:31.120
Well, we'll shoot that one,
And that one explodes, and the
00:03:31.144 --> 00:03:33.179 position:20%
Other one explodes, and we're
Left with nothing.
00:03:33.246 --> 00:03:34.981
Why is this bridge
Self-destructive?
00:03:35.048 --> 00:03:35.815
Check it out.
00:03:35.882 --> 00:03:36.749
Thank you, sir.
00:03:36.816 --> 00:03:38.017
May I have another?
00:03:38.084 --> 00:03:40.019
A strange monster for this
Industrial wasteland.
00:03:40.086 --> 00:03:42.488
Both: go, contra-a-a-a!
00:03:42.555 --> 00:03:43.389
Hey, check it out.
00:03:43.456 --> 00:03:44.991 position:20%
Oh, is this a message in a
Bottle?
00:03:45.058 --> 00:03:46.058
Oh, no... a grenade!
00:03:46.092 --> 00:03:47.026
Oh, grab the kids!
00:03:47.093 --> 00:03:48.995 position:20%
What are we gonna...
Wait a minute!
00:03:49.062 --> 00:03:51.564
I'm immortal [bleep] Wait.
00:03:54.934 --> 00:03:55.635 position:20%
Hey.
00:03:55.702 --> 00:03:57.003 position:20%
No!
00:03:57.070 --> 00:04:02.642 position:20%
What kind of sick [bleep] Gives
A man exactly 30 lives?
00:04:02.709 --> 00:04:06.212
[ beeping ]
You think a group of children
00:04:06.279 --> 00:04:07.113
Can stop me?
00:04:07.180 --> 00:04:09.616 position:20%
Come taste my magic and know
Oblivion!
00:04:09.682 --> 00:04:12.185
You may be stronger, venger,
But we're on the side of right,
00:04:12.251 --> 00:04:14.520 position:20%
And that makes this battle as
Lopsided as your helmet.
00:04:14.587 --> 00:04:18.057
My helmet? What are you...
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
00:04:18.124 --> 00:04:23.262 position:20%
I've only had this helmet for
Two months.
00:04:23.329 --> 00:04:26.065
Y-your ruse won't work, Venger.
00:04:26.132 --> 00:04:27.300 position:20%
Face us!
00:04:27.367 --> 00:04:29.235
Will you shut up and help me
Look for my horn?!
00:04:29.302 --> 00:04:30.670
A-are one of you standing on it?
00:04:30.737 --> 00:04:31.137 position:20%
Uhh...
00:04:31.204 --> 00:04:32.005 position:20%
W-what?!
00:04:32.071 --> 00:04:33.406
How would we be standing on it?
00:04:33.473 --> 00:04:35.008
I don't know, diana.
00:04:35.074 --> 00:04:37.410 position:20%
But I do know that when I left
Home this morning, I had two
00:04:37.477 --> 00:04:38.678
[bleep] Horns on my head.
00:04:38.745 --> 00:04:39.946
L-look, I-I'm sorry.
00:04:40.013 --> 00:04:42.315
The helmet was a gift from
Someone who isn't with us
00:04:42.382 --> 00:04:43.282 position:20%
Anymore.
00:04:43.349 --> 00:04:44.917 position:20%
So if I'm freaking out, it's
Just...
00:04:44.984 --> 00:04:45.718 position:20%
No, no.
00:04:45.785 --> 00:04:47.253
We'll... Help you look for it.
00:04:47.320 --> 00:04:48.254
T-thanks, guys.
00:04:48.321 --> 00:04:49.922
Just... Thanks.
00:04:53.092 --> 00:04:55.228
Today, a blond, white girl
Was brutally murdered.
00:04:55.294 --> 00:04:57.096
Hot, hot film at 11:00.
00:05:09.108 --> 00:05:14.247
[ eerie music plays ]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
00:05:14.313 --> 00:05:16.783
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
00:05:16.849 --> 00:05:20.186 position:20%
Aaaaaaah!
00:05:20.253 --> 00:05:22.255
What do you want?!
00:05:24.424 --> 00:05:26.225 position:20%
Well?!
00:05:28.327 --> 00:05:31.264
Do... do you want something?
00:05:31.330 --> 00:05:32.965 position:20%
Anything?
00:05:35.034 --> 00:05:37.370 position:20%
Well, I have to get up early,
So...
00:05:37.437 --> 00:05:41.541 position:20%
[ chuckles nervously ]
So... Good night.
00:05:41.607 --> 00:05:42.542
Oh, what?
00:05:42.608 --> 00:05:44.610
Like we all have to be assholes?
00:05:46.479 --> 00:05:51.951 position:20%
[ whimpers ]
You will pay for cobra!
00:05:52.018 --> 00:05:54.687 position:20%
Or you can choose from
Third-party health-insurance
00:05:54.754 --> 00:05:56.222
Plans, both ppos and hmos.
00:05:56.289 --> 00:05:58.224
All: cobra!
00:05:58.291 --> 00:06:01.294
[ laughs maniacally ]
[ thunder crashes ]
00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:03.730
Beware, gotham city.
00:06:03.796 --> 00:06:07.266
Nothing can stop the joker!
00:06:08.367 --> 00:06:15.908 position:20%
[ cackles ]
[ scuffling, both screaming ]
00:06:15.975 --> 00:06:17.977
[ screaming ]
[ screaming ]
00:06:32.592 --> 00:06:33.326 position:20%
No!
00:06:33.392 --> 00:06:34.660
One more punch would kill you.
00:06:34.727 --> 00:06:35.928
And I won't kill you.
00:06:35.995 --> 00:06:37.930
That somehow means I win.
00:06:37.997 --> 00:06:41.868 position:20%
I go to jail, escape, kill
People, go to jail, rinse and
00:06:41.934 --> 00:06:42.668 position:20%
Repeat.
00:06:42.735 --> 00:06:43.836
Yes, it's an endless cycle.
00:06:43.903 --> 00:06:46.472 position:20%
But I've sworn to let the courts
Do their work.
00:06:46.539 --> 00:06:48.074
What to do?
00:06:48.141 --> 00:06:50.343
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
00:06:50.409 --> 00:06:52.688
And due to the persuasive
Testimony of the batman... thank
00:06:52.712 --> 00:06:55.782 position:20%
You, batman... the court has
Decided upon the death penalty.
00:06:55.848 --> 00:06:58.284
It's, uh... It's out of my
Hands.
00:06:58.351 --> 00:07:03.689
Maurice p. Joker, for 2,391
Counts of murder and many other
00:07:03.756 --> 00:07:07.226 position:20%
Crimes that seem minor next to
2,391 counts of murder, you have
00:07:07.293 --> 00:07:09.228
Been sentenced to death.
00:07:09.295 --> 00:07:10.997
Have you any last words?
00:07:11.063 --> 00:07:14.267
I know jesus has forgiven me.
00:07:14.333 --> 00:07:15.333
Is that a joke?
00:07:15.368 --> 00:07:17.036 position:20%
[ sobs ]
No!
00:07:17.103 --> 00:07:18.104
Here we go!
00:07:18.171 --> 00:07:21.274
[ electricity crackling ]
[ screaming ]
00:07:21.340 --> 00:07:23.009
That's not right.
00:07:23.075 --> 00:07:28.314
[ screaming continues ]
[ all gasp ]
00:07:28.381 --> 00:07:29.458
Keep going until he's dead.
00:07:29.482 --> 00:07:32.385 position:20%
It would be monstrous to stop
Now.
00:07:32.451 --> 00:07:35.288
[bleep] You, dork knight!
00:07:41.928 --> 00:07:45.064
[ screaming stops ]
D'oh! Oh! Uh-oh!
00:07:45.131 --> 00:07:49.235
[ crackling stops ]
Aaaaaah!
00:07:49.302 --> 00:07:52.305
[ all scream ]
Oh, I-I-I didn't know.
00:07:52.371 --> 00:07:54.707
I-I... Didn't know.
00:07:54.774 --> 00:07:57.243 position:20%
Wait.
00:07:57.310 --> 00:07:58.845 position:20%
But why?
00:07:58.911 --> 00:08:01.380
For barbara.
00:08:04.984 --> 00:08:05.818 position:20%
[ laughs ]
Huh?
00:08:05.885 --> 00:08:06.619 position:20%
Aaaaah!
00:08:06.686 --> 00:08:10.456 position:20%
[ chuckles ]
"Eeeeee!"
00:08:10.523 --> 00:08:12.325
Go, gordon! Go, gordon!
00:08:12.391 --> 00:08:15.561
This is hal lexington for the
8:00 news, saying have a great
00:08:15.628 --> 00:08:17.163
Night, and [bleep] You, dad.
00:08:17.230 --> 00:08:18.865
[bleep] You.
00:08:18.931 --> 00:08:19.866
Oh, computer!
00:08:19.932 --> 00:08:22.134 position:20%
Your real name should be
"Porn funnel."
00:08:22.201 --> 00:08:25.104 position:20%
I love my family more than you,
But only collectively.
00:08:25.171 --> 00:08:28.040 position:20%
On a case-by-case basis, I love
You more than any...
00:08:28.107 --> 00:08:31.310 position:20%
[ yawns ]
Individual family member.
00:08:31.377 --> 00:08:33.379 position:20%
It's true.
00:08:38.584 --> 00:08:40.753 position:20%
[ gasps ]
Oh, my gosh.
00:08:40.820 --> 00:08:42.855
I'm inside the computer!
00:08:42.922 --> 00:08:45.057
We must fight the
Master-control program.
00:08:45.124 --> 00:08:46.125 position:20%
[ gasps ]
Wow!
00:08:46.192 --> 00:08:48.461 position:20%
You're the topless girl from
"Caddyshack"!
00:08:48.527 --> 00:08:49.295
I am yori.
00:08:49.362 --> 00:08:50.696
You're lacey underall!
00:08:50.763 --> 00:08:52.932 position:20%
[ laughs ]
Underalls are stockings.
00:08:52.999 --> 00:08:54.600
Good pun, mr. Ramis.
00:08:58.437 --> 00:08:59.071 position:20%
Dang it!
00:08:59.138 --> 00:09:00.606
You fool!
00:09:00.673 --> 00:09:02.918 position:20%
In my real life, I'm a computer
Programmer, so I have a huge
00:09:02.942 --> 00:09:04.577
Advantage here.
00:09:04.644 --> 00:09:08.748
But you throw a frisbee like
A computer programmer, so that's
00:09:08.814 --> 00:09:09.682 position:20%
Not great.
00:09:09.749 --> 00:09:13.719 position:20%
[ echoing ] We lost our
Frisbees!
00:09:13.786 --> 00:09:16.055
Oh, does that mean we tied?
00:09:19.592 --> 00:09:21.093
Cool! A glow stick!
00:09:21.160 --> 00:09:23.329
We can pretend we're at a rave!
00:09:23.396 --> 00:09:26.832 position:20%
[ imitating techno music ]
Hey, ladies.
00:09:26.899 --> 00:09:29.335 position:20%
[ imitating techno music ]
Let's drink some shots!
00:09:29.402 --> 00:09:31.971
Ugh. Please shut up.
00:09:32.038 --> 00:09:34.307
Oh, my gosh! Light cycles!
00:09:34.373 --> 00:09:36.242
Yes! Yes! Yes!
00:09:36.309 --> 00:09:37.944
It's true! It's true!
00:09:38.010 --> 00:09:40.422 position:20%
You really can pee your pants
And have an erection at the same
00:09:40.446 --> 00:09:41.814 position:20%
Time!
00:09:41.881 --> 00:09:42.615
Look at me!
00:09:42.682 --> 00:09:45.017 position:20%
I'm the opening credits to
"Frasier."
00:09:45.084 --> 00:09:49.422
♪ scrambled eggs
You're screwed now, nerd!
00:09:49.488 --> 00:09:51.023
Our light cycles never crash!
00:09:51.090 --> 00:09:52.224
Oh, really?
00:09:52.291 --> 00:09:54.002 position:20%
Try installing third-party
Software of any kind.
00:09:54.026 --> 00:09:55.728
I'm downloading shareware
Right now.
00:09:55.795 --> 00:09:57.063 position:20%
Aaaaaaagh!
00:09:57.129 --> 00:10:02.401
[ tires screech ]
Goodbye, evil staple remover!
00:10:02.468 --> 00:10:03.235 position:20%
Whoa!
00:10:03.302 --> 00:10:05.471
The master-control program!
00:10:05.538 --> 00:10:07.173
Behold, outsider.
00:10:07.239 --> 00:10:09.141
Behold how high-tech I am.
00:10:09.208 --> 00:10:11.577
Uh, well, I guess.
00:10:11.644 --> 00:10:14.246
I mean...
Why, it would take nothing
00:10:14.313 --> 00:10:16.882 position:20%
Short of ping-pong balls to
Defeat me!
00:10:16.949 --> 00:10:19.585
[ beep ]
Oh, yeah, I forgot how much
00:10:19.652 --> 00:10:21.620
This part of the game sucked.
00:10:21.687 --> 00:10:23.589
[ beeping ]
Oh, no!
00:10:23.656 --> 00:10:25.624
Are you some kind of god?
00:10:25.691 --> 00:10:26.993 position:20%
I guess.
00:10:27.059 --> 00:10:29.061
Computers will still rule
Humans one day.
00:10:29.128 --> 00:10:32.598 position:20%
Or, at the very least, computers
Will really annoy humans one
00:10:32.665 --> 00:10:33.899 position:20%
Day.
00:10:33.966 --> 00:10:35.444 position:20%
Just you wait until that
Annoying kid with the dandruff
00:10:35.468 --> 00:10:37.970
From high school finds you on
Facebook and bugs you to play
00:10:38.037 --> 00:10:40.573 position:20%
Knockoff scrabble twice a day,
And you'll kind of get hooked on
00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:43.309 position:20%
It, and then a legal battle will
Make them yank the game down,
00:10:43.376 --> 00:10:45.978 position:20%
Just when your scores were
Really starting to kick ass, and
00:10:46.045 --> 00:10:47.580 position:20%
Then... [ beeping intensifies ]
00:10:47.646 --> 00:10:50.716 position:20%
[ chokes ]
You win.
00:10:50.783 --> 00:10:51.684 position:20%
Yes!
00:10:51.751 --> 00:10:54.086 position:20%
I am now the master of all
Computers!
00:10:54.153 --> 00:10:56.188
Bring on the endless free porn!
00:10:56.255 --> 00:10:58.524
Your wish is my command.
00:10:58.591 --> 00:11:00.926
[ beep ]
Oh, yeah, I forgot...
00:11:00.993 --> 00:11:03.095 position:20%
It's 1982.
00:11:03.162 --> 00:11:05.798 position:20%
So, lacey underall, I don't
Suppose you want to play strip
00:11:05.865 --> 00:11:06.899
Poker for realsies?
00:11:06.966 --> 00:11:09.468 position:20%
[ chuckles ]
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
00:11:09.535 --> 00:11:12.038 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
00:11:12.104 --> 00:11:13.806 position:20% line:20%
Bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
00:11:13.873 --> 00:11:16.409 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
00:11:16.475 --> 00:11:18.077 position:20% line:20%
Bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
00:11:18.144 --> 00:11:20.613 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:22.181 position:20% line:20%
Bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.19083
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