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WEBVTT
00:00:04.971 --> 00:00:12.971 line:20%
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
00:00:16.049 --> 00:00:24.049 position:20% line:20%
[ electricity crackling ]
it's alive!
00:00:30.997 --> 00:00:38.405 position:20% line:20%
[ electricity crackling ]
it's alive!
00:00:38.471 --> 00:00:40.907 position:20%
>> so, that ends our lesson on
Stds.
00:00:40.974 --> 00:00:43.943
Next, I'm gonna show you how to
Use a condom.
00:00:44.010 --> 00:00:47.547
Uh, who the hell are you?
00:00:47.614 --> 00:00:51.351 position:20%
>> what the... where the hell
Did all these half-baby,
00:00:51.418 --> 00:00:53.086
Half-cabbages come from?
00:00:53.153 --> 00:00:54.487
Oh, damn it, carl!
00:00:54.554 --> 00:00:57.624
That boy carl jerk off in the
Cabbages again?!
00:00:57.690 --> 00:00:58.425
He sure did!
00:00:58.491 --> 00:00:59.759
You got to fire that boy!
00:00:59.826 --> 00:01:01.227
I'm gonna fire him right now.
00:01:01.294 --> 00:01:02.429
Carl, you are fired, sir!
00:01:02.495 --> 00:01:04.330 position:20%
>> carl, you are fired and
Disgusting!
00:01:04.397 --> 00:01:06.833 position:20%
>> I got this, honey. Carl...
you can't jerk off on
00:01:06.900 --> 00:01:07.767
Someone's produce!
00:01:07.834 --> 00:01:09.068
I-I told him that, honey.
00:01:09.135 --> 00:01:10.904 position:20%
You're not allowed to be here,
Carl!
00:01:10.970 --> 00:01:12.772 position:20%
>> you're [bleep] With our
Livelihood!
00:01:12.839 --> 00:01:15.375
I tried to help you, son,
Because you're homeless and
00:01:15.442 --> 00:01:18.077 position:20%
Drug-addled, but you cannot be
Masturbating on our produce,
00:01:18.144 --> 00:01:19.279 position:20%
Son.
00:01:19.345 --> 00:01:21.257
Carl, that is not the way you
Make a baby, by [bleep] On a
00:01:21.281 --> 00:01:21.948
Cabbage head!
00:01:22.015 --> 00:01:23.116
I got it, honey.
00:01:23.183 --> 00:01:24.927 position:20%
>> [bleep] We can't sell it if
It's covered in your semen.
00:01:24.951 --> 00:01:25.418
He knows.
00:01:25.485 --> 00:01:26.286
I've already told him.
00:01:26.352 --> 00:01:27.187
Carl, get out of here!
00:01:27.253 --> 00:01:28.297
You're [bleep] Disgusting!
00:01:28.321 --> 00:01:29.732
You are fired, fired, fired,
Fired!
00:01:29.756 --> 00:01:31.901
I do not think we're gonna be
Able to recommend you for
00:01:31.925 --> 00:01:34.136
Another job, unless that job
Implies that you are supposed to
00:01:34.160 --> 00:01:34.961
Have semen on produce!
00:01:35.028 --> 00:01:36.172
I'm not gonna recommend you.
00:01:36.196 --> 00:01:38.307 position:20%
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna
Tell them you are a chronic
00:01:38.331 --> 00:01:39.065
Masturbator!
00:01:39.132 --> 00:01:41.668 position:20%
>> [bleep]
There's semen everywhere!
00:01:41.734 --> 00:01:43.970
This is your last warning!
00:01:44.037 --> 00:01:46.239
Come out or we're coming in!
00:01:46.306 --> 00:01:52.212
[ helicopter blades whirring ]
okay, move, move, move, move!
00:01:52.278 --> 00:01:53.480 position:20%
>> [ gasps ] >> there he is!
00:01:53.546 --> 00:01:54.590
What, behind the turkey?
00:01:54.614 --> 00:01:55.614
Get him!
00:01:55.648 --> 00:02:01.254 position:20%
[ turkey gobbling ]
[ groaning ]
00:02:01.321 --> 00:02:04.524 position:20%
>> so, on this day of
Thanksgiving, I,
00:02:04.591 --> 00:02:09.729 position:20%
President obama, hereby pardon
This turkey.
00:02:09.796 --> 00:02:15.802 position:20%
[ both gasp ]
obama... soft on crime.
00:02:15.869 --> 00:02:17.570 line:20%
Vote sarah palin 2012.
00:02:17.637 --> 00:02:20.673
Dead or alive, you're coming
With me.
00:02:20.740 --> 00:02:22.375
Not gonna happen.
00:02:22.442 --> 00:02:25.378 position:20%
>> [ sighs ]
Well, I guess that's it, then.
00:02:25.445 --> 00:02:29.916 position:20%
I made my first pizza as a boy
Of 13, and now I'm making my
00:02:29.983 --> 00:02:30.984
Last pizza tonight.
00:02:31.050 --> 00:02:33.052 position:20%
>> nobody made them like you,
Gramps.
00:02:33.119 --> 00:02:35.021 position:20%
>> hi. Got a pizza for
Silverstein?
00:02:35.088 --> 00:02:36.222
Ha ha ha!
00:02:36.289 --> 00:02:37.824
Here you are, son.
00:02:37.891 --> 00:02:39.659
You got the last one.
00:02:39.726 --> 00:02:40.994
Aw, thanks.
00:02:41.060 --> 00:02:41.961 position:20%
>> enjoy.
00:02:42.028 --> 00:02:47.400 position:20%
[ bells jingle, door closes ]
[ sobbing ]
00:02:47.467 --> 00:02:49.836
[ muttering ]
aah! Aah!
00:02:49.903 --> 00:02:52.438 position:20%
[ whistle! ]
Aah!
00:02:52.505 --> 00:02:54.274
Ow! Son of a bitch!
00:02:54.340 --> 00:02:55.642
Ah, screw it.
00:02:55.708 --> 00:02:57.544
I'll go to burger king.
00:02:57.610 --> 00:03:00.914 position:20%
Stupid pizza. [ grunts ]
[ horn honks ]
00:03:00.980 --> 00:03:02.148
ah, pizza!
00:03:02.215 --> 00:03:04.183 position:20%
[ grunting ]
hey!
00:03:04.250 --> 00:03:07.387
I want that pizza!
00:03:07.453 --> 00:03:11.691 position:20%
[ whip! ]
I'm starving!
00:03:11.758 --> 00:03:13.693 position:20%
[ both grunting ]
poop on it!
00:03:21.167 --> 00:03:27.707 position:20%
>> [ groaning, farting ] [bleep]
00:03:27.774 --> 00:03:31.244
the old man later died.
00:03:31.311 --> 00:03:33.479 position:20%
[ dramatic music plays ]
[ bleats ]
00:03:42.689 --> 00:03:44.390
tarzan love jane.
00:03:44.457 --> 00:03:48.995 position:20%
>> I love you, too, tar...
but tarzan not in love with
00:03:49.062 --> 00:03:49.696 position:20%
Jane.
00:03:49.762 --> 00:03:51.264
Hello, yellow!
00:03:51.331 --> 00:03:52.665 position:20%
>> hello!
00:03:52.732 --> 00:04:00.732 position:20%
[ spy music plays ]
do it! Do it!
00:04:00.974 --> 00:04:01.741
Just do it!
00:04:01.808 --> 00:04:05.011 position:20%
[ gunshot ]
[ crowd screaming ]
00:04:05.078 --> 00:04:07.947 position:20%
>> [ snorts ]
[ wrist device beeping ]
00:04:08.014 --> 00:04:08.715
what's he doing?
00:04:08.781 --> 00:04:13.186
Take him down! Take him down!
00:04:13.252 --> 00:04:16.723 position:20%
[ cellphone beeps ]
[ laughs ]
00:04:16.789 --> 00:04:20.360
Oh, he was texting me.
00:04:20.426 --> 00:04:23.696 position:20%
>> we should, uh, probably get
Our stories straight.
00:04:23.763 --> 00:04:25.164
Mmm! Mom, this is so good.
00:04:25.231 --> 00:04:26.165
What is it?
00:04:26.232 --> 00:04:28.301 position:20%
>> it's called "Cole slaw,"
Honey, also known as
00:04:28.368 --> 00:04:29.535 position:20%
"Poor-people
Salad."
00:04:29.602 --> 00:04:31.671
mmm! It's delicious!
00:04:31.738 --> 00:04:33.906
How do you make it?
00:04:33.973 --> 00:04:35.408
Are you my daddy?
00:04:35.475 --> 00:04:36.509
Sure, kid.
00:04:36.576 --> 00:04:38.678
Oh. This doesn't seem right.
00:04:38.745 --> 00:04:41.681 position:20%
[ screaming ]
[ screaming continues ]
00:04:51.090 --> 00:04:52.167
so, I just moved to l.A.
00:04:52.191 --> 00:04:53.660 position:20%
You want to get some
Dunkin' donuts?
00:04:53.726 --> 00:04:58.731
Brah, we don't have
Dunkin' donuts in l.A.
00:04:58.798 --> 00:05:00.733 position:20%
[ eerie music plays ]
"Knock, knock."
00:05:13.513 --> 00:05:15.381
"Who's there?"
"Steve jobs."
00:05:15.448 --> 00:05:17.717 position:20%
"Well, you've made my life
Awesome."
00:05:17.784 --> 00:05:19.986 position:20%
"Oh? How gracious of you,
America."
00:05:20.053 --> 00:05:22.555 position:20%
>> oh, compact disc, so clear,
So crisp.
00:05:22.622 --> 00:05:24.991 position:20%
Jobs will pay for making you
Obsolete.
00:05:25.058 --> 00:05:27.060
Have at thee!
00:05:27.126 --> 00:05:30.263 position:20%
[ disc shatters ]
You've ruined my plan!
00:05:30.329 --> 00:05:31.431 position:20%
>> what?
00:05:31.497 --> 00:05:33.900
Jobs would be dead right now if
you hadn't shown up.
00:05:33.966 --> 00:05:34.867
Who are you?
00:05:34.934 --> 00:05:36.936
I'm zuneman!
00:05:37.003 --> 00:05:38.571
Ah, the legends are true.
00:05:38.638 --> 00:05:39.639
That's right!
00:05:39.706 --> 00:05:42.008 position:20%
>> there is a sadder hero than
Myself.
00:05:42.075 --> 00:05:45.578
Hey! At least I'm not an
Outdated format that's only used
00:05:45.645 --> 00:05:46.446
As a coaster now.
00:05:46.512 --> 00:05:47.547
Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:05:47.613 --> 00:05:48.781
You're worse.
00:05:48.848 --> 00:05:51.160
Your state-of-the-art software
And crystal-clear sound quality
00:05:51.184 --> 00:05:53.553 position:20%
Are matched only by your
Terrible product design and
00:05:53.619 --> 00:05:54.954
Counterintuitive menu display.
00:05:55.021 --> 00:05:56.522
We're working on it!
00:05:56.589 --> 00:05:59.058 position:20%
[ grunts ]
well, for someone with
00:05:59.125 --> 00:06:01.060
120 gigs, you move pretty slow.
00:06:01.127 --> 00:06:03.262 position:20%
[ whoosh! Slice! ]
ruh-roh!
00:06:03.329 --> 00:06:05.798 position:20%
Looks like somebody's got a
Scratch.
00:06:05.865 --> 00:06:08.167 position:20%
Guess I'll have to buy a new
One.
00:06:08.234 --> 00:06:09.836
They have repair kits!
00:06:09.902 --> 00:06:11.971
[ gunshot ]
what are you doing here, cd?
00:06:12.038 --> 00:06:13.172
I told you, you're over.
00:06:13.239 --> 00:06:14.507 position:20%
[ shing! ]
[ gun cocks ]
00:06:14.574 --> 00:06:15.675
Don't make me kill you.
00:06:15.742 --> 00:06:17.577
You already have!
00:06:17.643 --> 00:06:21.481 position:20%
Aaah!
00:06:21.547 --> 00:06:22.448
He's dead.
00:06:22.515 --> 00:06:23.549
Who are you?
00:06:23.616 --> 00:06:24.450
I'm zune!
00:06:24.517 --> 00:06:25.251 position:20%
>> really?
00:06:25.318 --> 00:06:26.452
[ laughing ] Wow!
00:06:26.519 --> 00:06:27.954
What a terrible design.
00:06:28.020 --> 00:06:29.155
Make it quick.
00:06:29.222 --> 00:06:29.889 position:20%
>> hmm...
00:06:29.956 --> 00:06:31.657
I wouldn't waste the bullets.
00:06:31.724 --> 00:06:32.425 position:20%
>> please!
00:06:32.492 --> 00:06:33.993
Don't leave me like this.
00:06:34.060 --> 00:06:34.560 position:20%
No!
00:06:34.627 --> 00:06:36.529
Daddy, what's that?
00:06:36.596 --> 00:06:38.197
I think it's a pager.
00:06:40.867 --> 00:06:45.805 position:20%
[ banging ]
hey, what's that?
00:06:45.872 --> 00:06:49.242
W-who's there?
00:06:49.308 --> 00:06:50.209
Damn it, alfonse!
00:06:50.276 --> 00:06:52.311 position:20%
That's coming out of your
College fund.
00:06:52.378 --> 00:07:00.378 position:20%
>> [ crying ]
[ gasps ] A teddy ruxpin?!
00:07:01.487 --> 00:07:04.390 position:20%
He can play any tape, and he
Moves his mouth along with the
00:07:04.457 --> 00:07:05.024 position:20%
Words!
00:07:05.091 --> 00:07:06.325
Oh! Thanks, uncle gallagher!
00:07:06.392 --> 00:07:07.426
Let's try it out!
00:07:07.493 --> 00:07:11.364 position:20%
I've got a copy of my stand-up
Special, "Melon crazy."
00:07:11.430 --> 00:07:13.599 position:20%
[ electricity crackles ]
[ whip! Whip! ]
00:07:13.666 --> 00:07:18.437 position:20%
[ warble! Whip! ]
aah!
00:07:18.504 --> 00:07:24.143 position:20%
[ grunts ]
[ glass shatters ]
00:07:24.210 --> 00:07:26.145 position:20%
Aah!
00:07:29.148 --> 00:07:31.484
No! He's got a cyanide capsule.
00:07:31.551 --> 00:07:34.720
Don't you bite down, you son of
A bitch!
00:07:34.787 --> 00:07:36.789
You're gonna play my tape!
00:07:36.856 --> 00:07:40.893 position:20%
>> [ gurgles ]
he's... he's gone.
00:07:40.960 --> 00:07:43.129 position:20%
Ah. We'll have to listen to it
In the living room.
00:07:43.196 --> 00:07:47.433 position:20%
>> [ gasps ] >> n-o-o-o-o-o!
00:07:47.500 --> 00:07:48.734
Whoo! All right!
00:07:48.801 --> 00:07:52.605
I'm nicky passion, and I'm here
To show you how to manage your
00:07:52.672 --> 00:07:53.472
Team and...
00:07:53.539 --> 00:07:55.208
all: achieve your dream!
00:07:55.274 --> 00:07:56.175
All right!
00:07:56.242 --> 00:07:58.511 position:20%
Oh, check out the mug on this
One.
00:07:58.578 --> 00:08:02.114 position:20%
Hey, mirror, mirror on your
Face, what brought you to this
00:08:02.181 --> 00:08:03.181
Helpful place?
00:08:03.216 --> 00:08:05.117
Well, I run my own business.
00:08:05.184 --> 00:08:06.719
I'm kidding, rearview.
00:08:06.786 --> 00:08:07.854
I read your bio.
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:09.055
I know the story.
00:08:09.121 --> 00:08:11.457
Let's take a look at your video.
00:08:11.524 --> 00:08:14.327
Next time, g.I. Joe!
00:08:14.393 --> 00:08:16.896
Next time, g.I. Joe!
00:08:16.963 --> 00:08:19.465
Next time, g.I. Joe.
00:08:19.532 --> 00:08:21.901 position:20%
>> but that next time never
Comes, does it?
00:08:21.968 --> 00:08:23.135 position:20%
>> no.
00:08:23.202 --> 00:08:25.805 position:20%
>> maybe it's time you stopped
Cobra commanding and start cobra
00:08:25.872 --> 00:08:26.739
Commending.
00:08:26.806 --> 00:08:29.041 position:20%
You run one of the most
Successful terrorist
00:08:29.108 --> 00:08:30.543
Organizations in the world.
00:08:30.610 --> 00:08:32.645
Isn't that something to be proud
Of?
00:08:32.712 --> 00:08:33.913
I guess.
00:08:33.980 --> 00:08:36.816
Maybe once you step back and
Look, you'll realize that you've
00:08:36.883 --> 00:08:37.516 position:20%
Already...
00:08:37.583 --> 00:08:39.552
all: achieved your dream!
00:08:39.619 --> 00:08:41.754
That's not exactly my dream.
00:08:41.821 --> 00:08:43.856
I paid $300 for this?
00:08:43.923 --> 00:08:44.824
I'm sorry, sir.
00:08:44.891 --> 00:08:46.726 position:20%
I don't see a name tag for
Cy-kill.
00:08:46.792 --> 00:08:48.728
But I told crasher to book my
Trip.
00:08:48.794 --> 00:08:49.962
She must have failed me.
00:08:50.029 --> 00:08:52.298 position:20%
You see, I need this seminar
More than anyone.
00:08:52.365 --> 00:08:52.999 position:20%
>> sorry.
00:08:53.065 --> 00:08:54.467
There's really nothing I can do.
00:08:54.533 --> 00:08:57.603
Well, there's nothing you can
Do about me taking all the free
00:08:57.670 --> 00:08:58.404 position:20%
Cookies.
00:08:58.471 --> 00:09:03.609 position:20%
[ engine revs ]
[ laughing evilly ]
00:09:03.676 --> 00:09:06.345
I am megatron, leader of the
Decepticons.
00:09:06.412 --> 00:09:08.915 position:20%
>> aw, sounds more like a
Self-decepticon.
00:09:08.981 --> 00:09:10.650
[ laughs ] Let's take a look.
00:09:10.716 --> 00:09:13.586
This is your fault, megatron!
00:09:13.653 --> 00:09:17.623
You're firing blanks, megatron!
00:09:17.690 --> 00:09:19.292
How do my balls taste, megatron?
00:09:19.358 --> 00:09:21.060
And what's your girl friday's
Name?
00:09:21.127 --> 00:09:21.794
Starscream.
00:09:21.861 --> 00:09:23.362 position:20%
>> listen to me now, tons of
Fun.
00:09:23.429 --> 00:09:26.599 position:20%
It's not the gun in the fight
But the fight in the gun.
00:09:26.666 --> 00:09:29.135
And this guy here is
Starscreaming for an
00:09:29.201 --> 00:09:30.069
Ass-whupping!
00:09:30.136 --> 00:09:31.270
Listen to me now.
00:09:31.337 --> 00:09:35.808
You stand for number one, but
You always sit for number two.
00:09:35.875 --> 00:09:37.276
Ah. Thank you.
00:09:37.343 --> 00:09:38.477
All right. There you go.
00:09:38.544 --> 00:09:40.479 position:20%
All right. We got time for one
More, folks.
00:09:40.546 --> 00:09:41.981 position:20%
Where is... [ scooter beeping ]
00:09:42.048 --> 00:09:43.549 position:20%
[ whip! ]
Charmin, you all good?
00:09:43.616 --> 00:09:44.550
What? Who's there?
00:09:44.617 --> 00:09:45.151 position:20%
>> whoops.
00:09:45.217 --> 00:09:46.285
I think I woke him, folks.
00:09:46.352 --> 00:09:47.553
Who's there?
00:09:47.620 --> 00:09:49.831
Anyway, tommy, do me a favor
And put that shame spotlight on
00:09:49.855 --> 00:09:52.325
The gay blade in 13c!
00:09:52.391 --> 00:09:53.259
Oh, oh, nicky!
00:09:53.326 --> 00:09:55.161
Bones, what the hell are you
Doing here?
00:09:55.227 --> 00:09:56.796 position:20%
I told you, man, I can't help
You.
00:09:56.862 --> 00:09:59.131
But I've been doing the
Exercises you gave me and
00:09:59.198 --> 00:10:00.366
Writing in my dream journal.
00:10:00.433 --> 00:10:02.535 position:20%
>> have... have you defeated
He-man once yet?
00:10:02.601 --> 00:10:03.970 position:20%
>> well... >> just once?
00:10:04.036 --> 00:10:06.939
I mean, what does "Defeated"
Even really mean, you know?
00:10:07.006 --> 00:10:10.076
I mean, one man's defeat is just
Another man's... hee hee, I'll
00:10:10.142 --> 00:10:10.843 position:20%
Just go.
00:10:10.910 --> 00:10:12.645 position:20%
>> all right, get on out of
Here.
00:10:12.712 --> 00:10:16.048
And remember, folks, you can't
Be the top dog if you act like a
00:10:16.115 --> 00:10:16.549 position:20%
Pussy.
00:10:16.615 --> 00:10:18.217
Enjoy your lunch!
00:10:18.284 --> 00:10:24.156
[ rock-'n'-roll music plays ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
00:10:24.223 --> 00:10:26.258
[ cloth unraveling ]
all: [ murmuring ]
00:10:26.325 --> 00:10:28.127
I can see your mumm-balls.
00:10:28.194 --> 00:10:29.862
Watch out! Evil raisin!
00:10:29.929 --> 00:10:33.232 position:20%
>> oh, looks like an old
Hacky sack.
00:10:33.299 --> 00:10:35.634 position:20% line:20%
>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
00:10:35.701 --> 00:10:37.770 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
00:10:37.837 --> 00:10:39.905 line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
00:10:39.972 --> 00:10:42.074 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
00:10:42.141 --> 00:10:44.210 line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
00:10:44.276 --> 00:10:46.412 position:20% line:20%
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
00:10:46.479 --> 00:10:48.414 line:20%
Ba-gawk! Bawk.18491
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