Original subtitles

It's alive!

In "Tonight's news," you can find the words "night," "tight,"

"tits," "tots," "stew," "wino," "ghost" and the name "Toni,"

if spell it with an "i".

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Not one more day of this!

Not one more day!

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Honey, what are you doing?

Shut up!

That's what I'm doing.

Ha!

Time to go to work.

Be careful, dear.

You are not the boss of me!

Aah!

Jewish fucking holiday!

Ha! Are you not entertained?!

No!

Do a dance!

Are you not entertained now?!

Tell a joke!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a...

What's a rabbi?!

Okay, I'm gonna show you these cards,

and you just tell me what you see.

Breasts!

Boobs! Knockers!

Funbags! Hooters!

Dirty pillows!

Milk sacks!

Ta-ta! Melons!

Lawn! Flesh pumpkins!

Sweater meat! Nipple backstops!

Big, bopplin' boobly oobly ooblies!

Two moons in tractor beam!

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm- mmm-mmm!

Just tell me your demands and we can end this!

There's no reason to hurt those babies!

All I want is for someone to tell me that they love me!

I knew nobody loved me!

It's your fault, mom!

Why didn't you love me?!

Veringular... we're dropping your calls on purpose,

and there isn't shit you can do about it.

Happy birthday, son!

Wow!

It's the mustang I've always wanted!

Wow, dad!

I can't believe that you... Hey.

Aw, dad, what'd you do that for?

Wait, that's my car.

Yours is over there.

Oh...

Aw!

I've made a deal

that will keep the empire out of our affairs forever.

We'd be honored if you could join us.

C-can I get a little more water?

What?

Nothing!

I just asked for more water.

Hmm?

Ckk!

Rrr!

Pkww!

Rrr!

So, how we doing?!

Leia, how's the soup?

You ever have soup this good?

Yes, on Alderaan.

Hey, princess, let it go.

"Oh, help me!

We're a peaceful planet!"

"You may fire when ready."

Boo-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a-a-h!

Big laser! Pkk-k-k-k-k-k-k!

Alderaan chunks everywhere!

Ps-s-s-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Anyone, uh... anyone got a joke?

I've got one.

Who's got two thumbs and betrayed his best friend?

This guy!

Uh... too soon?

Well, it's been a time and a half, but...

Lot of torturing to do.

A boo-oop bah boo!

Doo deedle-dee doo doo!

Aroo-oo!

From the people who claim "300" is a true story

comes the tale of our nation's birth.

General Washington,

the Redcoats outnumber us a billion to 12!

Fear not, American!

For tonight, we dine... in Virginia!

King George would like to speak with you.

This is a British colony!

British?

This is America!

Hancock, now!

Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h!

It ain't accurate, but it'll blow your fucking mind.

And the power cell recharges as it moves.

It's a revolution in robotic longevity!

Yes?

Can you fuck it?

Excuse me?

Can you fuck it?

No.

Oh, jeez! Come on!

Tragedy struck today as beloved children's icon

Raggedy Ann committed suicide by steam press.

Viewers will remember that her longtime companion,

Raggedy Andy, died in the late '80s

and is now a permanent part of the AIDS quilt.

All too common.

While boys hang on to action figures forever,

girls dump their old playthings with a cruel lack of compassion.

But enough about my personal life.

What happens to girls' toys when they're no longer loved?

Jem was on top of the rock 'n' roll world in the '80s,

but when she fell, she fell hard...

some say right into a cheesecake.

quack quack quack

swish swish open quack

No, they don't!

You're ruining my party!

shut the fuck up

You want to know what's truly, truly outrageous?

Chlamydia.

$40, right?

You know, this is really embarrassing, but in the '80s,

I used to masturbate to you all the time.

Yeah, you were just a boy then,

but now you're a man, right?

Well, yes... a married man.

So, is it an open marriage or...

So, is it an open marriage?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles briefly added

a fifth member with a very special accessory... a vagina.

But after getting dumped from the team,

Venus chose to end her life

the way all discarded turtles meet their maker.

Seen it a million times...

tried to flush herself down the toilet.

Ironically, when she died, she crapped herself.

Is that ironic or just funny?

Strawberry Shortcake was bullied

for years by the evil Purple Pieman.

Now, for the first time,

she'll get to confront her former tormentor.

Eh?

Who's there?

I am blind now.

The diabetes saw to that.

Cha-cha-cha cha.

Still got the moves, ha ha.

And so Strawberry Shortcake

has been denied the confrontation she so craves.

Oh, no!

Bull crap!

Aah!

What the...

Fucker!

Aah!

Motherfucker, take my berries now, bitch!

Yaah!

Whoo!

I told that motherfucker I'd bury him,

and that's not some fruit-related speech impediment.

B-u-r-y... bury, like in the fucking ground.

Rainbow Brite was a huge hit with girls...

and boys who wanted to be girls.

So, Rainbow, what have you been up to?

Well, after I retired as ruler of Rainbow Land,

I continued to seek out all the pretty colors of the world.

I dated a black guy, a Korean guy, a black guy,

a Puerto Rican guy, a black guy, some Indian guys...

dot and feather... a black guy, a black guy... oh,

another black guy... daddy was so pissed.

And how does Sailor Moon make a living these days?

I sell my used panties to old men online.

It's a tragedy when a beloved icon is discarded on purpose.

We Cabbage Patch people were abandoned

as soon as we grew out of our cute baby stage.

Adoption, my asshole.

With nobody to care for them,

the Cabbage Patch community fell on hard times.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all befell Chatty Cathy.

After witnessing a mob crime,

the mafia tried to make sure she couldn't talk.

They cut out my tongue,

but I would not be intimidated.

I testified anyway.

Oh, good for you.

I wish I was dead.

Let's never again forget that those girls' toys of yesteryear

should be treated with the dignity

and respect that they deserve.

Am I done yet?

You'll know, Chatty Cathy.

You'll know.

also also

also also

also also

Ba-gawk! Wow.