Original subtitles

It's alive!

I- I don't... I don't know what's going on.

This never really happens to me.

Not having a penis never happens to you?

Bartender, give me a Scotch, a backup Scotch, and a boiler Scotch.

That's a shot of Scotch floating in a bigger glass of Scotch.

Now, Scotch me, Scotch face.

Wow, are you Scottish?

I am U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy.

I'm Jenna Jameson, the world's most famous porn star.

What's wrong?

Celebrities in politics.

Schwarzenegger, Ventura, Franken.

Soon, bloated, repulsive politicians like me

won't find work anymore.

Hey, celebrities take work away from honest porn stars, too...

Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, Screech.

What the hell's a Screech?

Aw, screw it, Jenna.

If my family's taught me anything,

it's that there's only one good way to get rid of somebody.

Crash their plane into the ocean?

No, the other way.

Drive off a bridge?

No, I'm talking about...

Yah!

Paris, get that cock out of your mouth.

That's my job.

Remember when I said I'd kill you last?

No, I don't recall that...

Oh, you are doing a line from my movie.

I lied.

I know how it goes.

Aah!

You suck!

Sayonara, Scotch.

Screech.

Whatever.

Aah!

Holy schnikes!

Hello?

Seth, honey, are you at the Oscars?

No, mom, I'm watching them at home.

Why aren't you at the Oscars?

'Cause, mom, I wasn't nominated.

When are you going to start doing prestige pictures?

I do work I'm proud of.

Apparently, a little fellow named Oscar thinks differently.

God damn it!

This is the greatest day of my life!

Oh, baby.

Micro Machines Man here to tell you about the genuine,

original, marvelously majestic micro machines collection.

Make these cars zoom and vroom, veer and sneer, jump and bump.

Micro Machines Man used to own a 1965 mustang convertible,

but his wicked witchifing wife took it and everything he owned

in a divorce proceeding that left yours truly emasculated,

devoid of testicles,

nothing but an empty scrotum swinging between his legs,

like a portentous pendulum tick-tock ticking

away the remains of yesterday's youth and vigor.

Yes, the sea cow from the black hole married Micro Machines Man not

for the promise of eternal tongue tickling,

but for an amorphous amore only a succubus

could inflict on a balding butthead with poor prospects.

I'll never see my kids again.

Tonight's the night when a rigid Remington rifle barrel

gets frenetically fellated and brain matter

goes splatter and the big blanket of darkness

gives cold comfort to a broken bastard.

For a product you can't take with you to the grave, by Galoob.

Be careful, daddy.

Aah!

Draw.

Ow!

No!

I did it, princess!

I've been through hell and back to save you.

Oh, thank goodness.

Ganon was such a beast.

I was a little bit badass.

Yeah, I killed thousands of Octoroks and retrieved

the Triforce of wisdom, just for you.

I truly appreciate it.

Truly.

Yeah, yeah, a good fantasy adventure it was,

with a wonderful fairy-tale ending.

Eh-heh.

Look, kid, I know where you're going with this,

and you have to realize that I barely know you.

But I'm the one who...

I've been rescued before.

It's part of being a princess.

Yeah, but...

Of course, the first time I was ever rescued,

I fucked that guy's brains out.

Hoo!

Ha!

But you're like the eighth-something.

I've lost track.

But it's my first time.

I mean, in more ways than one.

Look, some cherries you get to pop, some you don't.

How long did this rescue take you, 20, 30 hours?

It took me 50 hours.

50? Wow, you suck.

Oh, look, I only have eight rupees.

Take it for your time.

Take it, thanks.

A grateful kingdom.

I'm out.

Then I will save you, my princess.

And now watch me escape from this straitjacket.

Success!

I told you I'd do it!

Why are you clapping?

A violent schizophrenic rapist with touches of dementia

and the strength of eight men just escaped.

Yeah, he escaped from his straitjacket.

Really?

I would have loved to have seen that.

Aah!

Now smile.

Perfect, yes.

That stopped him.

Yeah, but, man, a spike strip?

I mean, couldn't we have tried a warning first?

Yeah, we could have, but we didn't.

Actually, I prefer African-American lagoon,

thank you very much.

Once again, good trumps evil,

and General Spidrax's plan has been thwarted.

But I'm sure Spidrax will be

spinning a new web of deceit before long, Dargon.

Spidrax, spinning web.

I see what you did there, Zak, and I like it.

Dragonflyer, you ignorant bitch, heed my telepathic commands.

You use telepathy?

I always just kick mine in the ribs.

Wait, we're being pulled into a tractor beam.

It must be Spidrax weaving a new web.

The time for spider puns is past.

Prepare to fight.

Aah!

Oh, goodness.

That was a big one.

Make sure your bindles are stowed properly.

Please direct your attention to the exits here and here.

The meal today will be a warmed-up can of beans,

and the in-flight movie will be crazy John acting out scenes

from "Forrest Gump. "

But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan!

Enjoy your flight,

and thank you for flying homeless airlines.

Aah!

And that's how I'm gonna get home to Alaska.

I'm the President of jelly beans!

Turn your head and cough.

Ah, just as I suspected.

You let a stranger grab your balls.

All right, I'm gonna disconnect your air machine.

Then you're gonna go to sleep.

And then'll give you a shot, and you'll stay asleep.

"Mo chuisle" means "my darling," "my blood. "

For picture quality that puts cable to rest,

you've got to pick Direct TV.

Boss, this is taking forever.

Keep chopping, you drain clog.

Once we harvest the energy of the oldest tree in Eternia,

we can destroy Castle Grayskull once and for all!

You know, Skeletor, based on our track record,

this probably won't work.

Uh, life's a journey, not a destination.

Not so fast, Skeletor.

Trees are some of our most precious resources.

Uh...

Who are you talking to?

Your face.

Ow!

You know what they say...

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Stop it.

What, you gonna cry now?

You gonna cry like a big baby?

I don't even have tear ducts, you jerk.

You know what you need?

A good skull fucking.

What?

Uh!

What the...

Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Beast Man, what did you do?

I don't know.

I mean, I thought he would block it or something.

I mean, he's He-man.

This is the first murder in Eternian history.

If the king finds out, it's the guillotine for us all.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Oh, we're up shit's creek without a paddle, man.

♪ He-man ♪

Okay, read that back to me.

"Being He-man sucked more than you think.

Falling backwards onto an ax now,

the way I always talked about doing.

Love, He-man. "

Foolproof!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Oh, no.

I must tell King Randor and the Sorceress this terrible news.

♪ He-man ♪

Oh, we're so dead.

Oh, we're so dead, we're so dead, we're so dead,

we're so screwed.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

From this point forward, I'm no longer Evil-lyn.

You may call me Good-lyn.

Heh.

You know, I always thought your name was Evelyn.

It's weird.

All this time, it's been Evil-lyn?

Pretty clever, right?

No.

Oh, game over, man, game over.

Why is that door locked?

I've got to take a dump.

Holy fucking shit.

All: Aah!

I have the power!

I have crapped my pants!

♪ He-man ♪

Orko, oh, thank goodness you found He-man's sword of power.

We can use it to bring him back to life.

He-man would be back and I'd be regular Orko again?

Absolutely.

Yeah, but then that happened.

♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪ ♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪

♪ Ba-bawk also-a-wawk wawk also ♪

♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪ ♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪

♪ Ba-bawk also-a-wawk wawk also ♪

♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪ ♪ Ba-bawk is also available ♪

♪ Ba-bawk also-a-wawk wawk also also ♪

Ba-gawk! Lump.