Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ it's a happy, Sappy christmas ♪

♪ it's a sugar-coated dream ♪

[ music stops ] [ groans ]

Everything okay Back there, chief?

[ groans loudly ]

[ cellphone vibrates ]

[ groans ] What?

Santa, you left before the elves Could say, "Good luck."

All: good luck, santa!

Oh. It must be nice To be off the clock.

Whoops! Going through a tunnel.

What the h-e-double-candy-canes?

"Hejj"?

[ grunting ]

[ curtly ] Merry christmas.

I need a break from staring At reindeer asshole.

Not me!

A luna bar?

What, like my tits Aren't big enough?

Hello. Time for an upgrade.

[ eating loudly ]

Merry christmas, santa.

Wha-- wha-- wha-- Oh, my god!

[ distorted ] Merry christmas.

What is happening?

Buckle up, fat boy. [ laughs mischievously ]

Oh!

Whoa!

[ moaning ]

That's big. [ chuckles ]

Yeah.

Okay. This is weird, guys.

Aah!

♪♪

[ bell rings ]

Let's get a shine On my superstars.

Last-minute change To the opening number.

Verses two and three got Switched, use the alt on six,

And sandp says, "Ah. Can't use the m-word."

-what is the m-word? -attaboy!

[ cheers and applause ]

I don't know this song. Why -- why is my foot tapping?

[ swing music playing ]

♪ oh, naughty and nice ♪

♪ you better think twice ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ watching you ♪

♪ when you forget to flush ♪

♪ 'cause you're in a rush ♪

♪ when you torrent this song ♪

♪ or you snapchat your dong ♪

♪ you bogart that roach ♪

♪ catfish your coach ♪

♪ look out! ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ you won't see me In your vent ♪

♪ when you pitch a tent ♪

♪ got a racist thought? ♪

♪ oh, brother, you're caught ♪

♪ just like your dead nana ♪

♪ I'm always watching you ♪

♪ hey, you know that time You saw your sister shower ♪

♪ then you whacked off 15 times in an hour ♪

♪ you were not alone With that guilty bone ♪

♪ I was all up on you Like jack bauer ♪

♪ you are not bound By human laws ♪

♪ when your name Is santa claus ♪

♪ I am watching you ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪♪

What if each atom in my hand Is a solar system,

And that's made up Of tiny solar systems, and --

And what are you looking at?

"Elf on a shelf." How about elf on life support?

Aah! [ grunts ]

I don't need elves.

When we started out, There were only, like, 5,000

Fuckin' christian kids On earth.

Now, there's a billion Of those little shits.

A good gift used to be A slide whistle.

Now, Look at this shit!

What do I know about programming Facial recognition software?

I'm a cobbler.

It used to be So fuckin' simple.

♪ a block of wood, Salt lick, hobby horse ♪

♪ pogo stick, silly putty, Super balls ♪

♪ lincoln logs And kewpie dolls ♪

♪ yo-yo, hula hoop, Motorized ice cream scoop ♪

♪ play-doh was a piece of cake ♪

♪ viewmaster, easy-bake ♪

♪ kaleidoscope, g.I. Joe ♪

♪ holly hobbie, lego ♪

♪ chatty cathy, barbie, ken ♪

♪ things were so much better Then ♪

♪ please have more abortions ♪

♪ to help the kid-to-elf ratio, Consider fellatio ♪

♪ or convert to islam ♪

♪ or consider hindu ♪

♪ or become a jew, A jew, a jew, a jew ♪

♪ lawn darts, slip 'n slide ♪

♪ elf-assisted suicide ♪

♪ battleship, rubik's cube ♪

♪ richard nixon underoos ♪

♪ potato head, sit 'n spin ♪

♪ teddy fuckin' ruxpin ♪

♪ cabbage patch, nintendo ♪

♪ pokémon and yu-gi-oh! ♪

♪ tamagotchi, game boy ♪

♪ what happened to the simple Toys ♪

♪ beanie baby free fall ♪

♪ nothing left to recall ♪

♪ walkman, ipods ♪

♪ technology is your new god ♪

♪ let's be more like china ♪

♪ where they limit the kids That come from your vagina ♪

♪ let's be more like china ♪

The elves, they all hate me. I've got to apologize.

Wait, who stole my phone?

Was it jerry? Siri, fire jerry.

Oh. Damn it.

Sorry, jenny mccormick.

Looks like you get A slide whistle.

[ ringing ]

All: santa!

Oh, my precious, Loyal elves, I --

I haven't shown you Enough gratitude.

As my idol helen keller Once said,

"Walking with a friend..."

[ groaning inanely ]

What the fuck Is happening here?

Screenshot that shit.

[ babbling ]

Hey, kids. Krampus and the coal humps here.

Want a fun, practical gift In your stocking?

Easy.

♪ just be bad ♪

♪ b-b-bad ♪ ♪ make your sister cry ♪

♪ that's bad ♪ ♪ moon a cop ♪

♪ ooh, that's bad ♪ ♪ trip your grandma ♪

♪ damn, that's bad ♪ ♪ pee in the pool ♪

♪ so bad ♪ ♪ light your farts on fire ♪

♪ pretty cool ♪ ♪ yell, "Bomb," in an airport ♪

♪ oh, don't do that ♪ ♪ never return oral sex ♪

♪ that's rude ♪

Yeah. It's the worst, jenna.

Your friends at big coal Want you to know that coal

Is part of the fabric Of christmas and america,

So being a terrible person Isn't just good.

It's patriotic.

God bless us, every one.

Oh, god.

The world is A pile of wet garbage.

[ echoing ] I'm so alone.

♪ what's the point Of santa claus? ♪

♪ a big, fat flop Who's full of flaws ♪

♪ jesus is king, You're just a pawn ♪

♪ no one will miss You when you're gone ♪

♪ no one over eight Believes you're real ♪

♪ the world thinks You're a lie ♪

♪ and your wife's side piece Is jerry ♪

♪ he's an elf ♪

♪ and tim allen plays you Better than yourself ♪

♪ tim allen! ♪

♪ it's weird how you were Made by coca-cola, ♪

♪ corn syrup's favorite son ♪

♪ you're just a corporate stooge Who lives up on an ice cube ♪

♪ cube, cube, cube ♪

I hate being santa claus.

Oh, my gosh. It's santa!

Santa? Ah, fuck!

What the fuck? -it's me. Remember?

Last year, I visited your workshop.

The elves Turned into zombies.

In college, you and krampus Had a three-way with my mom.

Don't let them Touch the ground.

-what? -our memories will die.

Oh. My mom's cancer cookies.

Oh, fuck! Your mom has cancer?

[ inhales sharply ] That sucks.

She says it's more like Recreational cancer.

I've looked into the void, kid, And you know what I saw?

A fucking void. I'm empty inside.

I'm putting christmas On ice.

You just need to remember What christmas is all about.

Let me tell you A little story.

This story sucks.

Well, not the way I tell it.

Santa? Santa!

[ gobbling ]

-santa. -I'm coming down, kid.

I got to chase this high!

Well, a cocktail Of viagra, oxy, ritalin,

Midol, and 50 packets Of emergen-c,

Is not safe For a man your age.

I'll be fine once I wash it All down with these mentos

And a 2-liter of coke.

No...

[slow-motion]...Ooooo!

[ screaming ]

Another mall santa od.

Every year, They drop like flies,

Highest suicide rate Next to dentists.

This is the real santa!

We're losing him. Rib-spreader.

-but I hardly know her. -[ laughs ]

This is why I take The christmas shift.

That's the fattest heart I've ever seen.

It looks like someone put A basketball in a microwave.

-he's flat-lining! -you mean "Fat-lining."

[ both laugh ]

Oh, allen, marry me.

Jesus: We meet at last.

I can't believe it. I am a huge fan.

Yes. Yes, my son.

You're joker In the "Suicide squad."

It was amazing. -I'm jesus, you fucking idiot.

That's just what Jared leto would say.

You've served me well For centuries,

So many good birthdays.

Christmas is A corporate racket

Teaching kids The spirit of greed.

Let me Break it down for you.

Jesus magic, go!

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ ho, ho, yeah ♪

♪ santa claus, got a message, You should hear it ♪

♪ I heard that you lost Your christmas spirit ♪

♪ your job is more Than just making toys ♪

♪ you've also been Spying on little boys ♪

♪ you're the reason snail mail Still gets written ♪

♪ you and christmas go together Like a hand in a mitten ♪

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ every x-mas, Christians be like... ♪

♪ happy birthday ♪

♪ but I know my peeps Are really looking your way ♪

♪ I got famous for Dying up on a cross ♪

♪ you got famous because You're a big pimping boss ♪

♪ the big papa, the loaded Locker, the red menace ♪

♪ ask any girl, they'll say I ain't got a micro-penis ♪

♪ they call me peter rabbit Because I make it rain lettuce ♪

♪ and all the shorties know I make it rain presents ♪

♪ dropping christmas joy Like legal grade-a kush ♪

♪ got my white trim, Trimming christmas bush ♪

♪ santa is back to life, Just like mr. Spock ♪

♪ let me reiterate I have a massive... ♪

Yeah. We got it. Cool.

I'd love to stay, but my Mission on earth isn't done.

Happy birthday, jesus, And merry christmas.

Happy holidays.

You son of about bitch.

I feel it again.

The christmas spirit Lives within me.

Ho Ho Ho!

[ chuckles lightly ]

Where the hell am I?

[ screams ]

Again?

This place is a Necrophiliac's nightmare.

There's a man in here!

-so you really met jesus? -yeah.

And all I can say is

And you love Christmas again?

Hey, does an elf Shit in the snow?

I really should build them An outhouse or something.

Santa! Santa! Baby!

Merry christmas to all, And one more thing --

Legalize it!

Ho-ho-ho! Marijuana.

Is anyone going to deliver The fucking presents this year?

You're just dying for my face In your ass again, aren't you?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you!

♪♪

♪ it's a happy, Sappy christmas ♪

♪ it's a sugar-coated dream ♪

♪ eating gingerbread And candy canes ♪

♪ with an enema Of whipped cream ♪

Fuck yeah!

♪ dog shorts, diabetes ♪

♪ you should lose a few l-bs ♪

♪ I heard him moan But then drove home ♪

♪ and ate my christmas cheese ♪

♪ then I munched on deep-fried Fruitcake for a snack ♪

Huh? ♪ shot another can Of whipped cream up my ass ♪

You have got to be Shitting me right now, jenna.

♪ when the surgeon Cut me feet off ♪

♪ he gave me such a frown ♪

♪ but you'll never stay Unhappy ♪

♪ with a whipped cream Can around ♪