Original subtitles

♪♪

Grr!

Grr!

Everybody say "Grr!" -grr!

[ child laughing ]

♪♪

Welcome to "The walking dead" Museum.

Once our entire species Faced extinction

In an event known as "The walkpocalypse."

Ooh!

Aah!

[ tapping ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

After the disease Was cured,

And it was cured, Completely,

Both The walker saliva version

And that thing where Everyone's infected, anyway,

We built this museum To remember

The heroes who saved humanity From walkers like me.

Rawr! [ laughs ]

And we're walkers, And we're walkers.

This is so cool!

This room is dedicated to the Members of rick and the gang,

As they were known.

Records are spotty, But we believe the leader,

Rick gremlin, was either In law enforcement

Or a member of A village people tribute van.

Rick had one child, A beautiful girl named carla.

Together, they battled The undead and the living,

Including this monster,

Whom the scriptures Call neegnon.

He was the leader of a rival Softball team, the lucilles.

They finally brokered A truce

When the lovely carla Agreed to marry neegnon.

This exquisite barbed wire bat Was likely a wedding gift.

Neegnon and carla were Happily married for many years

And had At least six children.

And we're walkers, And we're walkers.

Oh, boy, I never knew All these amazing facts.

That's because They're a load of crap!

Oh, my gosh, Are you the lovely carla?

It's carl! I'm so sorry, my lady.

This whole museum Is wrong!

You wanna know the whole story? Do ya?

Uh, will we still have time To hit the gift shop after?

I'm giving you The gift...

Of truth.

Yeah, but...

The gift shop closes At 5:00.

Let me tell you How it really happened.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

[ chickens clucking "The walking dead" theme song ]

♪♪

♪♪

It began, As all good stories do,

With a monkey.

Any idea what caused The outbreak, dr. Jenner?

I bet it's monkeys. It's always monkeys.

Actually, no, It's a common misconception

That some lonely wanderer In an african jungle

Gets his rocks off In a hapless primate,

Doesn't bother to wipe, Comes home, and bangs his wife,

And then boom, You've got the aids,

But that's not How science works.

So...It's cool To fuck monkeys?

Whoo-hoo! -going to the congo!

[ monkey chittering ]

Yes, marlee, they bought it, Now shut up and kiss me.

It's just us now.

Rick said I should Look after you, and I will.

[ gasps ] Shane, what are you doing?

Rick said I should treat you Like you were my wife.

He what? Rick also said I should Touch your chest muffins.

Shane! Get out!

Now, listen, lori, I don't want to do this,

But rick said I should shower with you.

Because he said I should wash your butt,

And rick was very clear About that.

Lori! Carl! I'm back!

Rick said that You should not tell rick

Anything that I said rick said We should do at rick's behest.

Rick said "Behest"?

Rick said you'd say that.

[ zombies moaning ]

I think deep inside, They hang onto

The memories Of what they used to be.

Then this one must remember Crouching on her roof

To scare away Evil spirits.

She's one gargoyle-looking, Fuggo three-bagger.

That's my wife.

Whoo-whee! Gorgeous woman.

I'm so sorry For your loss.

She remembers This is our home.

I wonder what else They remember.

[ band music playing ]

[ zombies moaning ]

Some things never change, Huh?

I wonder what this one Remembers.

[ zombies moaning ]

Morgan: oh, shit!

He's a goddamn Master locksmith!

Bastards left me up here To die!

Alone! Am I so damn horrible?

Don't merle Get to fall in love?!

♪ some place In this nightmare world ♪

♪ is someone Who thinks the same way ♪

♪ that chicks are dumb, And racism's fun ♪

♪ and saying the "N" word Is okay ♪

♪ and love's getting high On pcp ♪

♪ is there anyone out there with The same kind of brain as me? ♪

[ zombie moaning Musically ]

♪ somewhere There's a match for me ♪

[ moaning continues ] ♪ a stupid, Brainless girl ♪

♪ who also doesn't care For jews ♪

[ moaning continues ] ♪ and shares All my small-minded views ♪

♪ I'll find you some place In this nightmare world ♪

For you, my sugar tits.

Unicorn: Looking for something, friend?

[ neighs ]

Yeah, gas.

Oh, I know Where there's plenty of gas.

Hop on, And I'll show you.

Okay. Let's find you a saddle.

I prefer if you ride me Raw dog.

What?

How bad Do you want that gas?

Rick, I hope you know I appreciated your enthusiasm,

And I still respect you.

Also, sorry about your shirt. I was aiming for your hair.

Aah! Uh-oh!

Oh, this doesn't look Good!

[ gunshots ]

Aah!

Now I'll never see my wife And son!

Ooh, wait, you've got a son? How old? What difference --

No time, how old?! 12.

Now we've both got Something to live for!

[ thud ]

[ splattering ]

[ whinnying ]

Grr!

We've got 'em on the run now, Rick!

[ wind whistles ]

Uhh, rick?

[ zombies moaning ] Ow, it hurts...

So good!

Bite me harder there.

Ahh, shit. That unicorn was right.

This is never coming out.

These walker gut ponchos

Are the perfect disguise So we blend in.

[ '70s music playing ]

God damn it, carl!

Sophia! Sophia!

I'm pretty sure I left her right here!

Carol: rick! Sophia!

Uh-oh!

Where's sophia?

What do you mean? She's right here.

[ high-pitched] Hi, mama, it's me, sophia.

Rick, what the fuck Are you doing?

[ normally ] Nothing, Some walkers came,

I drove 'em off, and sophia hid Here, right, sophia?

[ high-pitched ] Yeah, mama, mr. Rick saved me.

I like him. He's nice.

Rick, You're holding a log.

[ normally ] Carol, If you're going to fat shame

This little girl of yours, I'm not gonna stand for it.

Stop it! Look over there, There's some walkers!

Sorry, sophia, You're on your own!

[ tires squealing ]

[ zombies moaning ]

Dale, turn back. We're not gonna make it.

We'll make it! [ laughs ]

♪ dale, dale, the rv king

♪ jumps the shit out of Everything ♪

Yeah!

♪ dale, dale the rv king

♪ all the fine dames Get a prime porking ♪

[ laughs ]

Oh, yeah.

That's what I was trying to Take my mind off of.

[ screams ]

Get ready. Walkers!

Hey, that's our word!

You don't have the right!

Hershel, you need To come back home.

Beth needs you.

I had a drinking problem, Rick.

It nearly tore my family Apart.

I was a different man When I was on the sauce.

What do you mean?

[ rock music plays ] Come on!

They're mine!

[ laughs ] Let's get it on!

I got your pouch, joey! [ bell rings ]

[ laughs ]

I'm off to the moon!

Holy shit.

Who won, You or the kangaroo?

Like I said, I was A different man back then.

[ rapid gunfire ]

I'm out!

Thanks.

I'm out again!

I'm so sorry About your mama, carl.

You go on now.

I'll take care of her Before she turns.

No, maggie.

I should be the one To do it.

All right, carl.

Can I do it Any way I want to?

I -- I guess.

[ moaning ]

I love you, mom.

[ fireworks exploding ]

Hey, rick?

Something's wrong With that boy.

[ rip ] Aah!

[ stapler fires ]

One more, hold on.

[ stapler fires ] Ah, there we go.

That ain't going anywhere, Sugar pie.

Look at the flowers, Lizzie.

[ gun cocks, fires ]

Look at the bunny, lenny.

The bunny?

[ muffled shouting ]

Look at the indian, Mcmurphy.

[ gunshot ]

[ dog barking ]

Eat shit, old yeller. [ gunshot ]

Look at the flowers --

No! [ gunshot ]

Wow, lady, You are cold.

Look at the flowers, Fellas.

Oh, no! [ gunshots ]

[ thudding ]

You, look at the flowers. [ gun cocks, fires ]

It's like they say, it's always Darkest before the dawn.

Unless your friend Shoots you in the eye

While you're covered In walker guts.

But I behest.

Wait, Am I using that right?

No.

What was terminus like?

Like if evil and hatred Met on tinder

And didn't Really hit it off,

But hatred had money,

So at some point, Evil was curious,

And the cocaine Fell like snow.

[ laughs ] What are you talking about?

The food Was made of people!

Even the chocolate Butt pudding?

Especially The chocolate butt pudding.

"Terminus -- Sanctuary for all"?

"Community for all"?

"Those who arrive survive"?

Wait, what's that say At the bottom?

Free musical theater?

I love musical theater.

I don't know. It sounds suspicious.

Welcome to terminus!

Now, sit back And enjoy the show!

[ upbeat broadway-style music Playing ]

♪ oh, welcome to terminus

♪ where you'll be Safe and sound ♪

♪ 'cause we would Never eat you ♪

♪ so please Don't turn around ♪

♪ oh, yes, it's terminus

♪ and it's a pleasure To meet you ♪

♪ and we're definitely 100% not going to eat you ♪

This is pretty great. What a troupe.

I feel like they're Over-emphasizing

That they're Not gonna eat us.

No, I just think They're being funny.

♪ this is the safest place

♪ we really hope you'll stay

♪ we'll only eat your ass In a sexual way ♪

♪ oh, yes, it's terminus

♪ and we're not cannibals

♪ we promise Not to slaughter you ♪

♪ and eat you Like you're animals ♪

♪ terminus Yeah! Jazz hands!

Yep, they're definitely Gonna eat us.

I wonder If they sell merch.

Walker: [ moaning ]

Hello! I am hungry!

Are you hungry? I would like to eat!

Human! That human smells good!

I will eat him! Do not run!

Come back so I can eat you!

Oh, whoops!

I am on the ground. Why am I on the ground?

I am hungry! I want to eat the human!

[ grunts ] Where did the human go?

I want to eat him! I am hungry!

[ rapid gunfire ] Human!

Hello! Ooh!

Hello! Uh-oh!

Oh, hello, little girl.

[ gunshot ]

I want to eat your hair.

[ grunts ] Trip!

Hello!

Why is your foot in my face?

I do not want to eat your shoe.

I do not like shoes.

Come on, carl!

Wait! I have not eaten you yet!

I am hungry!

Trip! Goodbye, human!

I am walking very fast now! Is this flying?

I did not know I could fly.

Oh, hello, ground.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, body.

I am hungry.

We're not gonna be using The front gate anymore.

It's too much Of a security risk.

Rick! How do we get in?

The signal Will be the same,

But we'll have a new method Of answering.

[ whistles ]

Hairway to heaven.

[ grunts ]

[ zombies moaning ] Nicholas! Stop pushing on the door!

Screw you, glenn! I'm getting out of here!

[ groans ]

[ zombie moaning ]

Noah: Nicholas, you'll kill us!

Better you than me!

No, no! No, glenn!

Ahh, glenn, you could have saved Me, but you didn't, glenn!

[ screams ]

Glenn: no, noah!

Oh, my god, no!

[ laughs ] You sold out Your friends in a hurry, eugene.

Actually, dwight, it was just A distraction to do this.

Aah, my penis!

Dwight's penis: Hi, I'm dwight's penis!

You ever think to yourself, How did I get here?

It all started Not too long ago...

Negan: Did you hear that?

He said, "Suck my nuts!"

[ laughs ] Hot diggity dog!

[ upbeat music plays ]

♪ hey, negan

♪ show us How you do that thing ♪

Mm, what thing?

♪ that dip

♪ the one you do Right after you swing ♪

Oh, you mean this?

♪ when you're bashin' in brains Or deliverin' quips ♪

♪ just lean way back And do the negan dip, yeah ♪

Ooh, like this?

Yeah, you got it!

[ music stops ]

I do not appreciate You killing my dance!

[ screams ] [ grunts ]

[ laughs ]

Look at that. He's still got the beat.

One, two, three, dip

The truth is, I'm not even a real tiger.

I did some community theater Back in the day.

Cowardly lion, grizabella, Cat from outer space,

Blah, blah, blah.

But when everything Went to hell,

People needed something,

So here's shiva.

We got your guns, fools. You know why?

'cause we are the saviors!

Oh!

Piece of shit!

Aah!

You know what we need? -guns.

-a spine. -maybe ding dongs?

We need a name that tells people We mean business.

Negan's got the saviors, And that just sounds cool.

Then there's the wolves, Also awesome.

Terminus cannibals,

The kingdom comers, The baseball furies.

-what is he -- -just let him run.

So, I been kicking around some Ideas, and I think I've got it.

Rick and the gang.

-uhh -- -umm --

Maybe we throw out Some other ideas.

The wham bam clan!

The stabby crew! No!

No, no!

We're rick and the gang.

I already made t-shirts.

Oh, fuck no.

Ahh, I got the jacket,

But I'm missing that one thing That really says

"Stylish, yet dangerous."

Well, Looky what we have here.

[ "Linus and lucy" playing ]

[ record needle scratches ] Perfecto.

Waaah!

Now, show me That badass eye hole, kid.

Now, that is --

[ wind howls ]

My god! Aah!

I've made A terrible mist--

Announcer: from the creators Of "The walking dead"

Comes a show which reunites Its most beloved characters.

Glenn! Dinnertime!

Huh?

Yeah.

It's "Happy glenndings."

Sure, it's taken Some getting used to, but...

I got my glenn.

I'll find you!

I'll find you!

I'll find you!

We play A lot of hide and seek.

Glenn, I love you.

I'll find you!

Go on, daryl. Lucille wants to hear you sing.

♪ uhhhh

No! What does it say?

It's an "A." Now, give me a sweet a, daryl!

♪ aaaaah

That is a g!

I want an ♪ aaaa

So meet me up ♪ here

Well, well. [ bangs ]

I can tell you little piggies Have been bad little piggies.

[ engine revs ] [ gagging ]

[ laughs ]

Fuck you, negan!

[ snoopy laughing ]

[ bottle lid pops ]

[ chugging ]

Come on, Maggie, one more push!

One more big push, Come on!

[ screams ]

[ gasping ]

It's -- it's -- it's -- It's -- it's a...B-boy?

I-it's a boy!

Does it look like glenn?

Umm, umm, I mean -- Uh...

Yep.

I found you! [ laughs ]

Oh, wow.

Is that how babies work?

[ clapping ]

Now, don't move, kid.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, Mother fucker

That's a birdie!

[ dramatic music playing ]

[ rocket blasts off ]

[ explosion ]

My goodness, What could it be?

Some kinda rocket.

[ air hisses ]

It's a baby!

It's a bat! It's a baby!

I'm gonna name you Lucille.

[ grunting ]

[ rapid hammering, Saw whirring ]

That's my bat.

Lucille, What are you doing here?

Get lost!

I know it's hard.

You can do All these amazing things,

And you can't tell anybody,

But if there's one thing I do know, lucille,

It's that you are here For a reason.

Die, negan!

[ gunshot ]

[ "Superman" theme-style music Playing ]

♪♪

Wow. She saved us all!

That bat murdered My friends!

I don't know. The video is pretty compelling.

This way, people! We saved the best for last!

Feast your eyes upon...

The last surviving walker On earth.

[ zombie moaning ]

Oh, my gosh, That is so awesome!

Are you crazy?

The nightmare will never be over Until that thing is destroyed!

[ gunshots, Glass shatters ]

[ screaming ]

[ zombie moaning ]

Smile, You son of a biscuit!

Just gotta get A quick selfie first!

[ gunshot ]

The legend is true!

[ gun clatters ]

[ gun clicks ]

[ grunting ]

I've received The proper compensation

To initiate The munitions process.

Just hang onto your britches A tick

While I gather The necessary tools

To engage the delicate means

To deliver This bullet souvenir.

Hurry the fudge up!

The interesting thing

About the pin-firing .38 caliber projectile --

It was actually Not .38 caliber,

But in fact, .375 caliber Due to the fact --

Yeah, got it. Shut up, bullet!

[ bullet clatters ]

[ gunshot, splat! ]

Keep the change, Ya filthy animal.

[ gun clatters ]

It's over, It's finally over.

Yep, it sure is.

Ooh, I should really put some Neosporin on this bite.

Wait, what did you say?

[ laughs evilly ]

I'm chris hardwick.

Wow, what a 100th episode Of "The walking dead."

Lori's fate revealed, The virus unleashed once more,

And how will snoopy factor Into negan's future plans?

Joining us tonight, "Walking Dead" sasquatch robert kirkman,

Show runner Scott m. Gimple,

And shiva the tiger, Sir fred livingston iii.

-hello! -thanks, seacrest.

This is probably my favorite Episode of all-time.

Took 100 tries to get A unicorn on the show,

But damn, You pulled it off, gumby.

It's gimple, And just to clarify,

This wasn't officially The 100th episode.

Well, the season seven Finale was episode 99,

Which makes this episode 100 Because math.

No, this was a "Robot chicken" Special on adult swim.

You drag me Onto the dead actor couch,

And this episode Doesn't even fucking count?

-yawr! -holy lord almighty!

Stop it! Oh, my head!

No, my dick! Yeah! Bite that dick!

[ screaming ] That is How you bite a dick!

I have 75 shows To produce!