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1
00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:10,610
Boy: ♪ squeeze the toothpaste
From the tube ♪
2
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,612
♪ fa-la-la-la-la-la,
Rinse and spit ♪
3
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:13,680
[ spits ]
4
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,015
♪ check to see
If I've got pubes ♪
5
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:17,283
♪ fa-la-la-la-la-la --
6
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,485
Aah!
7
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:19,786
[ screams
Indistinctly ]
8
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,821
Oh, honey,
Get the camera!
9
00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:24,190
Our little boy
Got his man bush!
10
00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:26,426
Keep the strays
Off the toilet seat, son.
11
00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:28,461
My pubes are white!
12
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,997
I look like roger sterling
Down there.
13
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:33,833
Sweetie, uh,
It's time you knew.
14
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:39,139
Does your new, snowy man meadow
Remind you of anything?
15
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,240
Ohh!
16
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:41,841
Am I a wampa?!
17
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:44,244
Your real father
Is santa claus!
18
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:46,379
[ gasps ]
My real father?
19
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,882
We were together
For only one magical night,
20
00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:50,417
But he left me a present --
21
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:53,153
You...And crabs.
22
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,187
And this.
23
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:56,189
I told him
My name was portia.
24
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:58,291
Ha!
A virgin named portia.
25
00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:00,293
Come on.
Anyway, flip it over.
26
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,229
Ah, the polar express!
27
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:05,265
Yay!
28
00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:08,301
I miss those crabs.
29
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,803
[ train whistle blows ]
30
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,970
[ steam hissing ]
31
00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:13,139
Oh, there it is --
The hogwarts express --
32
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:15,074
I mean the polar express!
33
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:15,809
Aah!
34
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,510
Tickets, please!
35
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:18,777
Tom hanks.
36
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,246
Oh jesus!
37
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:23,249
You're so...Lifelike.
38
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:26,352
The palette is meant to
Represent the source material.
39
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:27,687
Tickets, please.
40
00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,789
[ laughs ]
Thanks for the monologuing.
41
00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:31,791
Gotta find a seat.
42
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:34,127
Bye.
43
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,595
Kill me.
44
00:01:36,795 --> 00:01:37,931
I'm del griffith,
45
00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,667
Off to the north pole
To sell shower-curtain rings.
46
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:43,102
Only place on earth
Without a bed bath & beyond,
47
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,471
So I'll make a fortune.
48
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:47,874
Uh, their website delivers
Everywhere these days.
49
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,275
Have you ever been
To paris?
50
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:52,277
They don't shower,
Or as they call it, douche.
51
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,314
The revolution has begun.
52
00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:57,817
Wow! Chris evans,
And he's got a baby!
53
00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:00,186
Oh, I bet
He's an awesome dad.
54
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,222
Oh, my god,
He's eating the baby!
55
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,657
We've got to get to the engine
And stop this train.
56
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,593
Take a bite of this baby,
And let's go.
57
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:09,027
Uh..."A," I don't
Want to eat a baby.
58
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:10,029
And, "B"...
59
00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:12,499
Move, move, move, move!
Now!
60
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:13,700
[ chuckles ]
61
00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:15,335
How you fixed
For shower rings, kid?
62
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:16,436
[ chomps ]
63
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,376
Thank you.
64
00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:26,379
[ as tom hanks ]
Oh christ, I can't die.
65
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:28,248
Now, I never douched
My butt hole,
66
00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:31,150
But I got to tell you, those
Frogs can't get enough of it.
67
00:02:31,216 --> 00:02:33,019
Well, looks like
We're hoofing it.
68
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,221
We can't walk
To the north pole.
69
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,656
Guys, I found
The baby freezer.
70
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,927
Who's up
For chinese...Baby?
71
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,428
[ sighs ]
Let's just go.
72
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:45,598
[ chuckles ] Hot dang,
73
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,934
I'm gonna make
A big sale at the north po--
74
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,235
Aah!
75
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,037
Oh, no, a heart attack!
76
00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:54,207
How...Unexpected.
77
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:57,010
Ohh, too bad
I don't have a lightsaber.
78
00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:59,112
[ rattling ]
79
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:01,114
[ grunting ]
80
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,181
Ew.
81
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:04,851
He's not made of candy at all.
82
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,556
[ yawns ]
83
00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:11,824
That was surprisingly roomy
And comfortable.
84
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:12,825
[ gasps ]
85
00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:16,963
Oh, my gosh!
86
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,865
[ festive music plays ]
87
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,833
Yeah!
88
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,870
Whee!
89
00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,706
Uh, can I park that
For you, sir?
90
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:27,707
Thanks.
91
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,776
I made it!
[ gasps ]
92
00:03:29,841 --> 00:03:32,545
It's more beautiful
Than I ever imagined.
93
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,481
Ooh, neat!
What's this switch do?
94
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,983
Can I try painting that?
95
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,418
It's cool.
I'm santa's son.
96
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,786
Hey, bubble wrap!
97
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,789
[ popping ]
I'm so filled
With christmas joy!
98
00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:45,525
Gee, that overbite makes you
Look just like a beaver.
99
00:03:45,591 --> 00:03:47,927
And if there's one thing
I hate, it's beaver.
100
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,263
I'll fix you right up.
The name's hermey.
101
00:03:50,329 --> 00:03:51,965
I'm a wonderful dentist.
102
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,400
[ babbling ]
103
00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:55,835
Yeah, I'm good.
Thanks.
104
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:56,836
Ooh! Toys!
105
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:57,837
Cool!
106
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,505
What does it
Transform into?
107
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:01,975
Nothing. It doesn't transform
Into anything.
108
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,744
It's just a train,
Handcrafted with love and --
109
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:07,380
Hey, where's the xbox
Assembly line?!
110
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,716
Elves can't make cutting-edge
Electronics, okay?
111
00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:12,385
For those, you need a different
Kind of magical creature.
112
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:13,853
Chinese slave children.
113
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,388
[ trombone plays "Wah-wahhh" ]
114
00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:16,923
We also make horns.
115
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,391
Uh, this is
Fun and all,
116
00:04:18,457 --> 00:04:20,360
But I still haven't
Met santa claus.
117
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:21,861
[ up-tempo music plays ]
Wait.
118
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,496
I hear entrance music.
119
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:26,966
♪♪
120
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,105
[ shimmer! ]
121
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:35,108
It's...It's him!
122
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:37,577
Huh? An outsider?
Here?
123
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,479
[ alarm blaring ]
124
00:04:39,545 --> 00:04:42,281
[ screaming ]
125
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,450
Aah! Aah!
126
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,252
Sorry we had to burn
All your clothes,
127
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,488
But germs don't affect elves
The same way as humans.
128
00:04:48,554 --> 00:04:49,822
Good thing
We cleaned you up
129
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,791
Before you had a chance
To touch anything.
130
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:57,797
Uh, well, actually...
131
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,999
[ elves growling ]
132
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,801
Oh, you little
A.I.D.S. Monkey!
133
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,202
[ growling continues ]
134
00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:05,438
Run!
135
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,241
Santa, let me guide
Your way!
136
00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:10,343
Guide your way to hell!
Hyah!
137
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:12,578
Aah!
138
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,250
Ohh! Ohh!
139
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:22,455
Okay,
I've got a plan.
140
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:24,590
I'm gonna need a paint can,
A long string,
141
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,292
Some nails,
A cheese pizza,
142
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,361
A vhs tape of
"Angels with filthy souls."
143
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:29,896
Or we could just use these.
144
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:35,702
Gonna have to use my a.K.
Guess it's not a good day.
145
00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:37,070
Sorry, cube.
146
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:40,840
And if these don't work, there's
Always the nuclear option.
147
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,408
Nonproliferation,
My ass.
148
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,409
Santa don't play n.A.T.O.
149
00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:46,446
[ hip-hop music plays ]
150
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:56,989
[ saw buzzing ]
151
00:05:59,058 --> 00:06:00,927
[ saw buzzing ]
152
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,431
Uh...
153
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:08,568
[ elves growling ]
154
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,472
Come on. Come on.
155
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:15,041
Yes, the vsc 79 viper!
156
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,744
Recalled for its kid-killing
Murder rockets!
157
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,145
[ gunfire ]
158
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,485
Hey. Wait a second.
159
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:26,786
I haven't been home
In years.
160
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,421
[ echoing ] Haven't been home
In years.
161
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,889
Haven't been home
In years.
162
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,158
He didn't have a home.
163
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,993
Never douched my butt hole.
[ chuckles ]
164
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,328
Never douched my butt hole.
165
00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:38,064
He didn't have
A butt hole.
166
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,432
Heads up.
167
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,772
Hey, santa,
It ain't christmas
168
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,940
Without your brother,
Fred claus!
169
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,612
Say hello to rudolph,
You freeloading prick.
170
00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:53,880
We did it!
171
00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:56,482
And we still have
Two clips left.
172
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:01,387
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
-[ laughing ]
173
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:07,460
That was great.
Ow, something's poking me.
174
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,861
My nuclear remote.
175
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,030
[ alarm blaring ]
176
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,370
It's stuck on autopilot.
177
00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:19,372
It'll go to the first kids
On the list.
178
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:20,540
Let's see who they are.
179
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,075
Hmm, two beautiful
Muslim-kenyan names.
180
00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:24,143
[ gasps ] Oh shit.
181
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,845
The white house!
182
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:27,413
Can't you
Call them back?
183
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,115
No, dumbass,
You sat on the remote.
184
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,150
They're trained
To follow the autopilot.
185
00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:32,652
There must be
A failsafe!
186
00:07:32,718 --> 00:07:34,654
Yeah.
It's on the remote.
187
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,023
We'll have to take out
The j.V. Reindeer.
188
00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:40,593
Oh, cool.
What are their names?
189
00:07:40,659 --> 00:07:42,662
Hoofy and stickhead.
Who gives a shit.
190
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:43,863
Get on!
191
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:48,201
[ whinnies ]
192
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:49,602
Ow!
193
00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:54,540
[ splat! ]
194
00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:55,575
Hoofy!
195
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:56,808
I'm hoofy!
196
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:59,412
Who gives a shit!
Now, climb!
197
00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:02,181
Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around!
198
00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:05,685
Yay!
199
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:06,853
[ growling ]
200
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:09,055
Aah! Aah!
201
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,091
Santa claus!
202
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,826
Oh, my god!
203
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,328
Oh, wow.
204
00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:19,732
I'll take the reins.
You disarm the bomb.
205
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,634
It's a very user-friendly
Interface.
206
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:22,835
Gotcha!
207
00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:25,238
[ growling ]
208
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,207
[ alarm blaring ]
209
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,610
Oh shit
210
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:31,644
[ growling ]
211
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,446
Ho, ho, you scab!
212
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,381
[ whinnies ]
213
00:08:36,448 --> 00:08:37,549
[ snorts ]
214
00:08:37,616 --> 00:08:41,220
[ screaming ]
215
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,688
I'm sorry, christmas.
216
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,124
It looks like hanukkah
Finally won.
217
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,726
Wait, what's this?
218
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,061
[ bomb powers down ]
219
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:51,197
Hey, that was pretty
User-friendly.
220
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,832
I guess this is it.
221
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:56,702
I'm gonna die a virgin,
Just like the lindbergh baby.
222
00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:58,604
[ grumbling ]
Oh, wait, that's it.
223
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,007
Everyone knows
Bumbles bounce.
224
00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:02,708
[ grumbles ]
225
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,510
Let's bounce!
226
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:10,116
Uh, correction.
Bumbles do not bounce.
227
00:09:10,182 --> 00:09:11,484
[ brakes screeching ]
228
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:13,619
Boy, you saved christmas.
229
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,189
All the elves
Are dead!
230
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,058
Ah, I'll clone some more.
231
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:21,193
Wow, dad, you think
Of everything.
232
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:23,462
"Dad"? What makes you think
I'm your father?
233
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:26,232
I've been shooting blanks
Ever since I bought that nuke.
234
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,534
Huh.
Probably a coincidence.
235
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,870
My mom met you in college.
Don't you remember her?
236
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,104
Oh, yeah.
237
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:33,439
I remember her.
238
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,475
It was the 2002
College debate tour.
239
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:38,644
Claus versus krampus.
240
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,047
Your mom
Was a stone-cold freak.
241
00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:43,549
What was her name?
Hyundai sonata?
242
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:45,584
Krampus made a lot
Of good points
243
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,453
About the iraq war
That night.
244
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,322
He took home the gold.
245
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:51,958
But we both
Took home the pink.
246
00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:53,526
I think I get it.
Thank you.
247
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:56,228
As usual,
The krampus went raw dawg.
248
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:58,564
Damn,
Than man could debate.
249
00:09:58,631 --> 00:09:59,665
And so, long story short,
250
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,334
Santa and the krampus
Eiffel-towered
251
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,802
Your freaky, luded-out mama.
252
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,103
No.
253
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:07,506
No, I refuse to believe
That krampus is my father!
254
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:09,208
How about now?
255
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,543
Oh, dang it.
256
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:15,614
I'm home!
Merry christmas!
257
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,783
Did you find
Your father?
258
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:19,418
I sure did.
259
00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:24,223
As far as I'm concerned,
You're my real dad.
260
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,392
Wow. That's great.
261
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,729
Yay.
262
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,564
[ to the tune of
"Cat's in the cradle ]
♪ and as I turned
263
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,199
♪ from the window,
It occurred to me ♪
264
00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:36,235
♪ I'm never gonna need
This ball ♪
265
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,805
♪ no, I guess I should return
This ball ♪
266
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:41,540
♪ 'cause the krampus
Is your daddy ♪
267
00:10:41,607 --> 00:10:43,309
♪ and your mom's a whore
268
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,545
♪ the krampus went raw dawg
In a fine sophomore ♪
269
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:49,415
♪ he should have pulled out,
But he sprung a leak ♪
270
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,784
♪ 'cause your mom
Was a stone-cold freak ♪
271
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,119
♪ oh, yeah,
You know she was a freak ♪
272
00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:57,390
♪ I hope your mama
Burned those sheets ♪
18050
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