Original subtitles

>> what are you doing?

Put me down.

Put me down! Ugh!

Yah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do you ever have one of those

Moments where you think, "How

The hell did I get here?"

[ the who's "Baba o'riley"

Plays ]

Geez, what happened to me?

I was ruling the galaxy, had a

Cherry-new battle station -- I

Mean, this place had an omelet

Bar -- a straight-up omelet bar!

And now look.

My former intern's tossing me

Down a bottomless freaking pit.

[ sighs ]

You know, come to think of it,

My whole life has been a series

Of "What the [bleep]" moments.

That, uh -- that was my out.

I didn't always look like a

Boiled cow hemorrhoid.

Cast your eyes on that handsome

Devil right there.

Don't be alarmed if your undies

Turn into a moist towelette.

>> and that is where we'll put

The skylight, mr. Palpatine.

>> how exciting!

Only 23 and already building my

Dream home, right on the naboo

Beach.

[ crowd booing ]

>> hey, man, stop harshing those

Gungan eggs!

Gungans are endangered, man!

>> hippies suck ass in every

Galaxy.

What? Gungans aren't endangered.

There's like a billion of them.

They breed like guppies.

>> boo! Boo! Boo on you, man!

Boo on you, dude!

[ engine turns over ]

[ crowd screaming ]

>> and that is why we should

Change the zoning law.

>> and what of the gungan eggs?

>> we'll give 'em to the school

Hot-lunch program.

[ applause ]

>> heesa say what now?

>> young man, you should

Consider a career in politics.

>> hey, yeah. I should.

And I did.

[ "Baba o'riley" continues ]

You're welcome, galaxy.

Never did thank that guy.

>> and so, emperor palpatine has

Followed up the bloodiest war in

The history of the galaxy by

Imposing a tyrannical

Dictatorship and killing all the

Jedi.

>> I've ruined the galaxy.

>> wheel! Of! Fortune!

>> ooh!

[ "Baba o'riley" continues ]

See that little cub scout?

Anakin skywalker, baby.

Eventually, I pick him to rule

The galaxy by my side.

>> are you an angel?

>> what?

>> what?

>> the deep-space pilots talk

About how beautiful angels are.

>> no, I'm not an angel.

>> are you a fairy?

>> fairies aren't real, either.

>> are you an elephant?

>> [ sighs ]

>> I'm not gonna sugar-coat

This.

Mistakes were made.

I really should have extended

The selection process for...

Oh, no.

Please don't pick your --

[ sighs ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Darth vader.

>> [ laughs ]

[ "Baba o'riley" continues ]

>> I know you don't believe me

Now, but I promise it's all

Gonna be okay.

>> apparently, we are

Contractually obligated to

Follow that dumb kid's story,

Too.

That's what happens when you

Sell the most action figures.

Thank you, fanboys.

Who's this guy?

He's not in my notecards.

Is he gonna have a story, too?

[ alarm beeping ]

>> huh? Ugh.

Argh!

[ beeping stops ]

>> gary, you'll be late for

Work!

>> his name's gary?

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Are we doing my story, or are we

Just doing some random,

Pointless --

>> [ farting ]

>> ah.

Welcome to "Robot chicken,"

Apparently.

>> [ laughs ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> [ mechanical breathing ]

[ whimsical version of

"The imperial march" plays ]

>> [ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

>> whoo-hoo!

Now, this is pod racing.

>> did anyone else pick up that

Transmission?

It sounds like a little girl is

On our comm channel.

>> aw.

>> much fear I sense in young

Anakin.

To be trained as a jedi, he must

Not be.

>> he could bring balance to the

Force.

>> correct you are.

>> I thought you said that would

Be bad.

>> from the prophecy, that boy

Could be.

>> can I ask what the

Prophecy is?

Why is that something I

Don't know?

>> I will tell him of the

Council's decision tomorrow.

>> oh, so it's a council now?

It's not just the two of you?

What about you, dogface?

Did you know that now it was a

Council?

>> inform the senate we must of

Our lessened ability to use the

Force.

>> who can't use the force now?

I can still use the force.

Let's put that one to a vote,

Because I don't even know what

That means.

Does anyone realize that I'm

Talking?

>> enough for today.

We should eat.

>> getting pizza, yarel poof

Should do.

All in favor?

>> all: aye!

>> ugh!

I just got the coffee yesterday,

And I submitted the receipt,

Have yet to be reimbursed.

Is anyone else having this

Issue?

But oh, look, if it's the will

Of the council, then I'll go.

>> all: aye!

>> fine!

Listen, yaddle, I'm gonna need

To borrow your car.

>> um...

In the shop it is?

>> I just saw it downstairs.

>> well, insurance and...

>> okay, then I am going.

I am one of 12 jedi in the whole

Galaxy on the jedi council, and

Today, it's my job to get the

Pizza.

Sure. Yeah, my parents --

They're very proud.

>> [ laughs ]

>> bam! Rejected!

Re-re-rejected!

[ imitates gun cocking ]

Ba-boom!

Rejected!

Bam!

>> do-do doodle-do!

Do-do doodle-do!

Do-do do-do doodle-do!

Do-do doodle-do!

Do-do doodle-do!

Do-do doodle-doodle-d--

>> this is my room for talking

About nonsexual matters.

Please, annie, sit.

>> we need to talk about us,

How...

[ sniffing ]

Is that lavender?

>> do you like it?

I like to smell senatorial.

>> padmé, from the moment I met

You, I've thought about you

Every day.

>> that's nice.

I think of the senate almost

Every day.

I'm a senator, you know.

>> I'm in agony, padmé!

I can't breathe!

>> have you tried yoga?

All us politicians do it.

Ungh. Ungh, that's tight.

[ moaning ]

>> if, uh, you're suffering as

Much as I am, please tell me.

>> oh, annie.

You're a jedi, and I'm a queen

And a handmaiden and a senator.

[ moans ]

>> ugh.

>> whoops-a-daisy.

>> uhh...

>> let's get you clean, dirty

Boy.

>> [ whirs, beeps ]

>> sorry.

>> you're in my very soul,

Tormenting me.

>> ungh.

>> I wish I could just wish away

My feelings.

But I can't!

>> I will not get into this.

And neither will you.

>> throw it back, dad.

[ clang ]

Dad?

>> henceforth, you shall be

Known as darth vader.

>> thank you, my master.

>> hey, before you go, my face

Is really warm.

Is everything okay up here?

>> I don't know.

What do you mean?

>> [ sniffs ]

Ah. Ah-ah -- ow!

Ah, ah, ow! My face!

It's on fire!

>> well, there is a possibility

That when you were fighting

Mace windu, he deflected some of

Your force lightning back into

Your face.

>> are you kidding me? How much?

>> [ laughing ] A lot.

I don't think there was one bolt

Of force lightning that didn't

Bounce off master windu's light

Saber directly back into your

Face.

>> and you just sat there and

Watched?

>> well, uh, turning to the dark

Side was a pretty big decision.

>> oh, my god, I look like -- I

Look like I have a scrotum for a

Face!

What am I supposed to call

Myself -- darth syphilis?!

If you'd made up your mind five

Seconds earlier, we could have

Ruled the galaxy and maybe I

Could have gotten laid one more

Time before I died.

>> uh, I can see you're upset.

I'm just gonna go slaughter

Those younglings.

>> yeah, whatever.

>> they didn't have calamari

Pizza because mon calamari are

People, and I did not know that.

[ gasping ]

Is everyone on the council dead?

Oh, I better hurry, then.

My time is short!

[ as yoda ] "Hey, everyone, I'm

Yoda.

Mmm, talk weird, I do.

Hate leads to anger, and anger

Leads to never letting anyone

Else talk!"

Ah! Oh, no!

>> [ laughs ]

Hey, dummy, I'm gonna call you

Darth mat from now on, as in

"What do you call a guy with no

Arms and no legs laying on the

Front porch?"

Mat.

Darth mat.

>> [ sobbing ]

>> okay, okay, it's okay.

We're gonna make this all

Better.

I'm hooking you up with a super

Suit, life support, new gams...

>> leather.

>> you hear that?

My boy gets the finest leather

You've got.

>> full-body...

Black leather...

>> I see what you're going for

There.

Kind of an s&m thing.

>> oh, and a cape. Yeah.

A cape would be pretty wizard.

And a sweet voice box.

And flashing lights.

>> sure, sure.

>> built-in helicopter blades.

Remote-control flying fists.

>> can we just put this idiot

Under?

Vader, rise.

>> [ mechanical breathing ]

[ "Star wars theme/cantina band"

Plays ]

Tarkin!

>> let me go!

[ stomach rumbling ]

>> uh-oh.

Hmm, is it one of these...

Flip the switch... Or...

[ soft music plays ]

Ooh, that's nice.

[ farts ]

[ siren wails ]

[ whimsical music plays ]

[ boing! ]

[ gasps, choking ]

[ air hisses ]

[ coughs ]

Whew.

[ toilet flushes ]

No!

[ auto-tuned ] No! No! No!

>> you rang, lord vader?

>> [ normal voice ] No.

Oops!

No!

[ sobbing ]

>> beginning to see a pattern

Here, quite frankly.

Choose your apprentice in haste,

Repent in leisure, as the saying

Goes.

It's like darth pl--

Talking before I realized you

People were gone?!

You could have told me that you

Were gonna -- you know what, you

Know what, I don't want to get

Into this right now.

Let's just keep going.

>> excellent!

Order 66 was a complete success.

>> my master, what were the

First 65 orders?

>> I'm glad you asked!

[ ding ]

Ohh...

♪ capture me a wookiee, kick a

Princess in the cookie ♪

♪ sabotage the espionage of a

Bothan spy ♪

♪ activate the trash compactor,

Let's protect the main reactor ♪

♪ stab a smuggler in the jugular

And watch him die ♪

♪ corrupt a teen from tatooine ♪

♪ manipulate a gungan and kill

Naboo's queen ♪

♪ trap a mon calamari, take a

Tauntaun hoth safari ♪

♪ hit a topless bar on mustafar

With artist ralph mcquarrie ♪

♪ ohh ♪

♪ number 13, find investors ♪

♪ number 14, make a death star ♪

♪ while you're at it, draw some

Plans up for my death star 2 ♪

♪ unmask a dirty jawa ♪

♪ crank-call general dodonna ♪

♪ clone a load of cannon fodder

Out on kamino ♪

[ string breaks ]

You know what?

I'll just e-mail you a pdf or

Something.

>> if you don't have the time,

Then whenever you get around

To it.

[ hair dryer whirring ]

>> you're an attractive man for

Your age.

I am an attractive man for my

Age.

You have a lot to offer a woman.

I have a lot to offer a woman.

[ elevator dings ]

>> hold the elevator!

I'll remember this!

What's your I.D. Number?

>> it's 1-1-4-2-eat-my-ass.

>> [ sighs ]

Come on, come on, come on.

[ elevator dings ]

Oh. I-I'll get the next one.

>> plenty of room.

>> no, no, I'll just take the

Escalator.

>> squeeze on in.

>> I'd rather my robes didn't

Smell like a [bleep]

Filet-o-fish all day, thanks.

>> that's hurtful, man.

>> well, next time, just let

It go.

Let it go.

[ sighs ]

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> yup.

>> my lord.

>> uh-huh.

>> my lord.

>> yo.

>> my lord.

>> mm-hmm.

>> my lord.

>> [ sighs ] Stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper.

>> my lord.

>> stormtrooper, stormtrooper,

St-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!

>> my lord.

>> ugh.

>> my lord.

>> go [bleep] Yourself.

>> my lord.

>> go [bleep] Yourself.

>> my lord.

>> go [bleep] Yourself!

>> my lord?

>> go [bleep] Yourself!

>> aw.

>> whazzup?!

>> [ sighs ]

>> good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm selling fire insurance and

Would love --

>> no, thanks.

>> [ sighs ]

We'll get one. We'll get one.

>> so all the clones were like,

"Pow, pow, pow!"

And it was awesome.

Jedi bodies everywhere.

It was so awesome.

>> I'm sure you killed all the

Jedi, my master.

>> of course I got them all, you

Moron.

I said it was awesome.

It wouldn't have been awesome if

I'd missed any.

>> hmm.

I'll have the bisque.

>> and I'll have the cream of

Spinach, but not with that

Ladle, clumsy.

>> [ chuckles nervously ]

Ladle. Ladle, ladle, ladle.

>> ooh, cobbler.

>> "Ladle." that's a funny word.

Wait.

I sense a disturbance in the

Force.

>> [ whimpering ]

>> you didn't give us any

Crackers!

>> everyone I know is dead.

>> uh, have you got any more mac

And cheese?

>> yes, we do!

>> [ humming ]

>> hey, gary, could you cover

For me while I hit the head?

I'm sitting on a cigar here.

>> you mean drive the death

Star?!

No, man, I can't do that.

>> come on, man, I'm growing a

Tail!

>> all right, okay.

>> oh, oh, it's gone from

Prevention to triage!

Clean-up on aisle my shorts!

>> come on, man. Where are you?

[ alarm blares ]

>> warning.

On course for impact.

>> what?!

Oh! No! Uh...Uh...

No! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!

[ metal screeching ]

>> ow!

>> ugh!

>> aah!

>> hungh!

>> [ choking ]

>> n-n-n-no!

>> what the...

>> aah! Oh.

>> come on, gary! Use the force!

>> go, go, go, go, go!

>> all right, everybody.

Back to class.

>> aww!

>> my daddy works there.

>> he shot first. And last.

He doesn't use the force.

He just uses force.

He has never called anything

"Wizard."

He has never "Had a bad feeling

About this."

>> line.

>> boba fett is...

The most interesting bounty

Hunter in the galaxy.

>> do you speak bocce?

>> of course I do, sir.

It's like a second language to

Me.

I'm as fluent in bocce --

>> all right, shut up.

What about spanish?

>> spanish?

>> yeah. Do you speak spanish?

>> um, I-I...

I am c-3po, human cyborg

Relations, and I'm fluent in

Over 6 million forms of --

>> uh-oh!

En este clase, nosotros hablamos

En español.

Bueno? Bueno.

Me llamo alfonso. Y tu?

Como te llamas?

>> me...Llamo?

>> sí.

>> c-3po.

>> sí. 3po.

Bueno.

>> no, no. C-3po.

>> sí. 3po.

Sí?

>> c-3po.

>> sí! Mira! 3po!

>> no, I'm saying my name begins

With the letter "C."

>> en este clase, hablas en

Español.

Entiendes?

>> but --

>> sientate.

>> but --

>> 3po! Andele! Andele!

>> oh.

>> [ whirring, beeping ]

>> hey, arturito!

En español, por favor!

>> [ beeps sadly ]

>> well, do you speak spanish or

Not?

>> sí...

3po.

[ channels changing ]

>> what are you doing?

You're supposed to be out

Plowing the field.

>> it's hot.

I'll do it tomorrow.

>> come on, man. It's your job.

>> uh, not really feeling it.

Hey, could you move a little?

You're totally blocking my view.

>> uncle owen, this droid has a

Bad motivator!

>> and then lord vader shows up,

And he's all...

"What's this little girl doing

Here?"

It was not a good day to be

Wearing white armor -- let's

Just put it that way.

>> I haven't laughed this hard

In ages.

I'm so happy you two stopped by.

>> you know, I thought going

Door to door looking for those

Droids was gonna suck.

But if it gets me out of the

Heat and filled up with cookies

And blue milk, I'm all for it.

And speaking of blue milk, could

I use your bathroom, beru?

>> of course.

Down the hall on the left.

>> [ humming ]

"Apply directly to rectal

Fissures"?

Ugh!

Uh-oh.

Not good!

Not good, not good.

Uh...

Oh [bleep]

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Oh, it's spreading. Oh.

Uh, carl, we should go. Now.

>> don't be silly, gary.

You haven't even seen the droids

Yet.

>> oh, that's okay.

I don't think they're the droids

We're looking for.

>> all right, all right, gary.

>> hi, beru.

Ooh, it's hot out there.

>> owen, these young men are

Here to see the droids you

Bought yesterday.

>> [ sniffs ]

Is something burning?

>> got to go!

Thanks for your time!

>> gary, what's wrong with you?

It's like 165 degrees --

>> look!

>> oh, my god, owen!

>> beru, what are you doing?

Call the fire department!

>> my photo albums!

I can't leave them!

>> no, baby, no!

We'll make new memories!

>> run. Just run.

>> oh, now we're running.

>> single file, single file!

We'll blame it on the sand

People!

>> [ screaming ]

>> oh, I'm burning alive!

>> uncle owen and aunt beru --

They're dead.

Just like those jawas.

>> oh, the jawas weren't dead.

They were just stunned.

There's nothing you could have

Done, luke.

Had you been there, you would

Have been killed, too, and the

Droids would now be in the hands

Of the empire.

But look on the bright side.

>> the bright side?

>> yes, I'd say this makes you

The proud owner of one kick-ass

Sandcrawler!

>> holy crap! Yeah!

[ "Main theme from star wars"

Plays ]

>> [ roars ]

[ "Yakety sax" plays ]

>> boo-yah!

>> look out!

Filthy sand people.

>> arr-duh! Arr-duh!

>> hey, try digesting this

Donut!

>> oh, I'm old, remember.

>> I can make it!

>> no, luke -- it's too

Dangerous.

>> yee-haw!

>> looks like luke and old ben

Bit off a mite more than they

Could chew.

Right? "Dukes of hazzard"?

[ sighs ]

You know what?

There's no need to drag this

Out.

The pay-off's pretty weak.

So, um, let's see.

Trying to find the "Pause"

Button here.

Whole thing was just a bull-crap

Camera-angle trick.

Sorry to string you along like

That.

Tell you what -- we'll take a

Break, come back fresh.

Imperial bread to feed my

Starving grandchildren.

How can they execute me for

That?

[ lasers firing ]

>> aren't you a little short for

A stormtrooper?

>> I'm luke skywalker.

I'm here to rescue you.

[ lasers firing ]

[ silence ]

>> they'll be back.

I'll just wait.

>> I'll totally check the

Basement.

>> oh, no!

Don't you go in there, girl!

[ buzzing ]

>> uh, mr. Feet?

Mr. Bob a. Feet?

>> sure, whatever.

>> it sounds like the rebels are

Attacking!

They came back for me!

>> all right, kid, now let's

Blow this thing and go home!

[ lasers firing ]

>> what was that, now?

>> [ screaming ]

Uh-oh.

[ screaming ]

Ah, crap. I am in trouble.

[ metal pinging ]

Ooh, there's that quarter I

Dropped earlier.

Oh, this is gonna drive me

[bleep] Bananas.

Gotcha! Oh, missed it.

Gotcha! Missed it.

I have you now.

Oh! The club soda dispenser!

Aw, hell.

They told me it was a bad idea,

And I didn't listen.

Then I choked them with magic.

Oh, man.

Oh, this is -- this is

Nauseating.

Whew. Uh...

[ unzipping ]

I think I have some dramamine in

My shaving kit.

Nope, that's hotel soap. Whoops.

Well, that's what I get.

I never use that hotel soap, but

I steal it every time.

>> oh, I know I should help him,

But I can't look away.

>> damn it!

>> I'll see you in hell.

>> did you say something?

>> what? No.

No, uh, I was just...

No.

>> maurice, you must go

To the --

Oh, looks like I missed my

Window here.

>> the guy who sold it to me, he

Was like, "Well, you know, it

Flies like this," and I was

Like, "That doesn't seem exactly

Right," but you know what?

Pretty damn comfortable.

>> did I do okay on

Hors d'oeuvres?

Everyone get enough to eat?

>> hey, guys.

I brought my cousin thx-1138.

Hope that's cool.

[ loud harmonic thx effect ]

>> hey, I don't want to be a

Jerk, but your cousin's got to

Get the [bleep] Out of here.

>> you know, I've never met

Another wookiee, chewie, so

It'll be great to finally meet

Your family.

You mean to tell me you've been

Naked all these years.

>> [ growling ]

>> what's in the cave?

>> only what you take with you.

>> your weapons -- you will not

Need them.

Stutter, did I? Hmm?

Ugh, no use there is.

Do what luke will do, luke will

Do.

[ lightsaber humming ]

>> [ screaming ]

>> oh [bleep]

Oh, no! No!

Killed him you did!

>> I-I-I-I thought it was

Darth vader!

>> just some dude it was!

The reason I say no weapons

This is!

>> in my defense, you phrased

That as more of a suggestion.

>> think you would straight cut

His head off I did not!

>> he kind of looks like me.

>> yes, kind of look like you he

Did!

Jump out and scare you he would,

Then reveal his face he would,

And blown your mind would be!

>> what was the point?

>> to make you think!

>> oh, like I was fighting

Myself or something like --

What?

>> to make you think!

>> oh, did you hear that,

Chewie?

He had no choice!

>> wait, wait, wait, wait --

>> [ growls ]

>> I'm backwards, you idiot!

Oh... [ chuckles ]

But look at that caboose.

>> oh, aye-aye, captain, durr!

Odd choice, man.

I guess you're under a lot of

Pressure at the moment, so I

Shouldn't judge.

Oh, oh, god!

What the [bleep] Man?!

What the [bleep] Just hit me in

The eye?

Who's doing that?

Who's shooting [bleep] At my

[bleep] Face?

Oh, is this yours?

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

My face seemed to get in the way

Of your flying metal massage

Wand -- sorry about that.

>> don't skimp on my umbrellas!

You know what they say -- let a

Smile be your umbrella.

Well, my face is a big letter

"T."

I forget the point.

I forgot the point.

You got any more umbrellas,

Ellas, ellas?

[ laughs ]

Whoops. I got it.

>> hey, you okay to fly, man?

>> hey, trust me, isaac.

I drunk better when I drive.

Whoa, leave no child behind.

On dancer, on prancer, on java

And blitzen.

Whoa, oh. Party foul.

You made me drink my spill.

I mean, you made me drink my --

I'm gonna shoot you.

Hey!

You, sir, are an asshole.

[ laughs ]

I called jodie foster an

Asshole.

Whoa!

And now, a sweet treat that's

Hard to beat, and I don't mean

My teat meat!

>> are these hypoallergenic?

>> why do I have a t-shirt

Cannon?

>> boba fett!

>> present.

>> boba fett?

>> tastes like your mama's

Kisses.

>> where?!

>> aah!

Hey, good lookin'.

I'll be back to pick you up

Later.

>> [ chokes ]

>> [ grunting ]

Wow. I'm kind of a badass.

>> we're going to the dagobah

System, r2.

But first, we better get some

Fuel.

>> [ beeps, whirs ]

>> [ groaning ]

[ buzz ]

Ugh.

[ buzz ]

Ugh.

[ ding ]

[ sighs ]

Ugh!

[ groans ]

Ugh!

[ groaning ]

[ groaning ]

[ engine turns over ]

Ugh!

Argh!

[ growling ]

>> back from the dead, assholes!

>> no!

>> how about a little fire,

Scarecrow?

>> [ screaming ]

>> take it like a man,

Snowflake.

>> [ screams ]

>> hey, I guess this deal's

Getting worse all the time.

[ laughs ]

Hey, sarlaac!

Here come the fudge!

Now, don't you go swimming for

At least 20 minutes.

>> [ growling ]

>> sit, cujo, sit.

Good dog.

>> boba fett!

>> I know, I know.

I shouldn't wear fur.

But I saw it, and I just had to

Have it.

Do you hate me?

>> I can't see.

>> oh, right, the carbon freeze.

Oh, it took your sight for a

Tick.

Let me be your seeing-eye fett.

>> aah!

Boba, you got your money for

Turning me in --

>> shh.

Don't spoil it, sweetheart.

This one's for the love of the

Game.

>> what are you gonna do?

>> if only you could see what I

Hear.

>> tauntauns?

>> couple of funny facts --

You're heavier than I thought,

And tauntauns never forget.

>> [ screaming ]

>> whoa, and I thought he

Smelled bad -- say it with me

Now -- on the outside!

It's beautiful!

Hey, hey, let me go!

Let me go!

No, no!

[ screaming ]

>> boba.

>> the whole thing was just a

Dream?

>> "Yes" with an "If," "No" with

A "But."

We are in the pit.

>> but I took solo and the whiny

Blond kid out, right?

>> uh, no, you didn't.

[ rumbling ]

Well, the sarlaac ate some more

Sand people, though.

You feel like tusken food

Tonight?

>> [ sighs ]

I guess.

>> what was your dream about?

>> I don't -- I don't remember.

>> was it a naughty dream?

>> uh...

>> was I in it?

>> the [bleep] Weequay?!

>> [ chuckles ]

Yeah, you know I was in it.

>> leia...Leia, hear me.

>> I got you.

>> leia...I think I'm about to

Be mugged.

>> about to be what?

Man [bleep] You.

Enjoy the view, weather vane.

>> [ groans ]

Come on, man!

Get this mother [bleep] Off me!

Ugh!

No!

Man! [bleep] Man, we got a gig

Tonight!

How we supposed to play some gig

With the horn guy dead and the

Singer woman dead?

Man!

[bleep] Man!

Come on!

Aw, no!

Piano all busted up, man!

Them dead, the piano all dead.

Mother [bleep] Man, we got a gig

Tonight, man!

What the [bleep] Is that thing?!

Giant old [bleep] Thing with

Teeth gonna eat me up, man!

>> yo, jazz stereotype!

How about tossing down a rope?!

>> ain't no rope up here, man.

>> we're not picky.

>> ain't nobody up here, man.

You talking to you self.

You having a dream, man.

I got a gig tonight, man.

>> I will [bleep] Kill you.

Don't you leave me down here

With this talking walnut!

>> you know what? That hurts me.

That is one of the 10.

>> one of the what?

>> one of the 10?

9 times out of 10, I enjoy a

Good joshing, but one out of

Every 10 --

>> I will pay you 10 million

Space dollars for a [bleep]

Rope!

>> aw, man.

I'm so [bleep] Tired.

I got my feet hurting, man.

But I got to make it to the gig,

Man!

Don't never miss no gig!

I'm here, man! I made it!

I walked across the desert, man!

[ "Cantina band" plays ]

No! You gave the gig away, man?!

That's [bleep] Up, man!

I'm 30 minutes late, man!

That's jazz time, man!

Sy snootles and droopy mccool

Dead in vain, man!

You know what? You all suck.

I'm gonna go throw myself in

That desert [bleep]

[ saxophone playing ]

>> the emperor has made a

Critical error, and the time

Is --

I'm sorry, who the hell are you?

>> prune face, ma'am.

>> anyway.

The emperor has made a cr--

>> when the face is a prune,

Then action goes boom!

>> ♪ action! Excitement! ♪

♪ slaying loads of sweet ass ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

[ ding ]

>> well, then, glad to have you

Aboard, prune face.

You'll be a great asset to

This --

>> actually, I lied.

I'm just here to fix the copier

Machine.

>> [ sighs ]

[ clears throat ]

The emperor has --

>> it's your toner, probably.

>> ♪ prune face ♪

♪ prune face ♪

>> [ humming "Cantina theme"

Seductively ]

♪ it's a ♪

♪ tra-a-a-a-p ♪

You're thinking of eating me,

Aren't you?

I'm thinking the same thing,

[bleep]

>> are you sure this is okay?

>> you're in-country, dude.

Live a little.

Now, she's pretty sensitive, so

Go easy on the throttle, okay?

>> all right.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!

>> oh, crazy kid.

>> this is so awesome!

It's like a dream!

It's like a dream!

Whoo! [ laughs ]

Yeah!

Bear!

>> [ screaming ]

>> uh...

God, oh, man, I hit that little

Thing.

>> [ screaming ]

>> oh, my god.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Listen.

This is my first ride on --

Oh, god, oh.

Oh, god!

Okay, pal.

You know what?

I'm gonna take care of this.

I'm gonna take care of this.

>> yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> I'm just gonna put you out of

Your furry misery, okay?

>> [ screaming ]

>> oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, no!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'll fix it!

No more pain, I promise!

No more pain!

You're going to a better place

Now.

>> gary, where'd you go, man?

>> [ screams ]

>> oh! Ew.

>> gary?

>> all good here. Be back soon.

It's like a dream. Over.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

>> [ screaming ]

>> you got to shut up, man.

I know it hurts. I know.

Just -- just keep it to

Yourself!

>> [ screaming ]

>> sorry.

>> [ screaming ]

>> [ sobbing ]

I'm so sorry.

You were so cute.

Okay, okay.

Pull it together. You're okay.

It's over, g.

[ laughs nervously ]

What's up, y'all?

Oh, schnizzle.

Me and chief drinks-a-lot over

Here, we was just putting back a

Few, and, you know.

Glug-glug-glug-glug-glug!

[ laughs ]

Right?!

Right?

Right?

Right.

>> and now, young skywalker, you

Will die.

>> [ screams ]

[ screaming ]

>> wow, I feel like my entire

Career led up to this moment.

Feels good.

I see you, buddy.

Crazy. This is your son, huh?

Guess you owe me one for getting

You out of 20-odd years of back

Child support, huh?

>> god, his teeth are so yellow.

I guess when you look like a

Melted candle, flossing would

Just seem like pissing in the

Wind.

>> [ screaming ]

Father!

>> oh, man.

Was I that whiny when I was a

Kid?

How come no one says "Wizard"

Anymore?

>> [ screaming ]

Wow, this lightning really

Hurts.

Like, really bad.

I know it's probably not cool,

But I'm thinking about playing

Dead.

[ screaming ]

Nope, can't do it.

This is so painful, I literally

Cannot stop screaming.

I can't lie -- if the emperor

Asked me to kill my dad, I'm

50/50 on saying yes.

That's how bad this hurts.

Meh! Looked right in the

Lightning.

God, it's like looking into a

Laser pointer.

It's a completely different but

Equally painful type of pain.

Oh, I'm gonna be seeing spots

For like an hour.

>> hey, wait a minute.

How is that my kid if this

Knob-job says I killed my

Pregnant wife?

It's a madhouse! A madhouse!

>> wow, you're really looking

Into my soul there, buddy.

Seriously, dude, what is it?

Oh, my god, is he...

Is he gonna try and kiss me?

>> is my dad gonna kiss the

Emperor?

>> oh, my god.

This is happening.

Stay away from me, you idiot!

>> hey, listen, I don't mean to

Be a pain, but I'm gonna have to

Ask for a raise.

>> what are you doing?

What are you doing?!

>> you guys are busy.

>> put -- put me down!

>> I'll come back later.

>> put me down!

[ screaming ]

>> father!

>> that was pretty wizard,

Wasn't it, son?

>> what?

>> I'm bringing it back!

>> put me down!

[ screaming ]

[ "Baba o'riley" plays ]

You know, looking back, it all

Makes sense.

Dream big...

Live big...

Love big...

Fall to your death down a giant

[bleep] Hole.

Now I know, which is exactly 0%

Of the battle, apparently.

[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

Think, palpatine!

How do they do this in the

Movies?!

Oh, yeah!

"Point break," bitches!

Hmm, this looks promising.

Aah!

[ squeaking ]

>> my lord.

>> go [bleep] Yourself!

>> aw.

This is the same chasm!

Wait a minute.

Execute order 67.

[ electronic music plays ]

>> ♪ like this ♪

♪ like this ♪

>> that doesn't sound like

Order 67.

No, no, wait, yes. Yes, it does.

Yes, it does.

I meant 68.

Execute order 68!

What am I doing, man?

What am I doing?

This is the end.

I've got to make amends for my

Life.

[ telephone rings ]

>> muy muy.

>> jar jar, it's palpatine.

Look, I need to apologize for

Manipulating you into granting

Me emergency powers.

It was wrong, and I'm sorry.

>> oh, say yes!

Right, palpy.

Yousa manipulated me.

Okay, palpy.

[ chuckles ]

[ laughs evilly ]

[ cackles evilly ]

>> wow, that felt pretty good.

[ "Baba o'riley" continues ]

Maybe that skywalker kid was

Right.

Okay, palpatine, if you're gonna

Do this, do it.

Let go of your anger.

Let go of your hate.

Oh, hey, there it goes.

Whew, that's nice.

I definitely feel a little

One-ier with the force.

Ooh, maybe I'll get to come back

As one of those blue ghosts.

You were right, luke.

You were --

[bleep]

[ both scream ]

>> oh, my god.

You might want to try a little

Manscaping down there.

>> [ laughs ]

>> you're like a short stack of

Pancakes.

>> ugh.

Oh, you stuck around.

Great, you didn't miss the

Visual treat of my frozen corpse

Floating naked in a vacuum --

Just what mama palpatine dreamed

For her little boy.

Sorry, ma.

Anyway, if you stuck around this

Long, you'll probably want some

Final words of wisdom, so listen

Close.

[bleep] You.

>> ♪ ba-bawk ba-bawk ba-bawk ♪

♪ ba-ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

♪ bawk, ba-ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

♪ ba-ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

♪ ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

>> ♪ ba-bawk, ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

>> [ groans ]

What happened?

Oh, I was hurt.

I-I think I must have passed

Out.

Did I take my mask off or

Something?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

Oh! Oh, god, oh!

[ screaming ]

>> do you hear screaming?

>> that's just the hiss of the

Steam escaping the logs.

>> [ singing in native

Language ]

>> [ roaring ]

[ coughing ]

Oh! Finally!

Two trilogies and I couldn't say

A damn word!

Now, where's that bitch that

Called me a walking carpet?

>> aah! Aah! I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!

>> you're not on fire.

>> blows, this party does.

>> look at that poor bastard,

Praying his friends don't see

Him here.

>> let's just jet.

Luke won't even notice.

>> hi, guys.

>> [bleep]

>> oh, hey, yeah, hi.

Wrap it up already.

We're not getting any younger.

[ loud harmonic thx effect ]

Oh, you special edition [bleep]

>> up yours!

[ laughs ]

>> you're a walking carpet,

Bitch!

>> our one chance this is.

>> sweet.

>> let's do this.

>> whazzup, whazzup?

Fourth-quarter conversion to the

Light side, y'all!

My story's not over!

We partying or what?

[ laughs ]

Oh, this is completely

Un-wizard.

>> ♪ bawk bawk bawk bawk

Ba-ba-ba-bawk ♪

♪ ba-ba-bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk, bawk bawk bawk ♪

>> bawk.

>> okay, give me a color.

>> pink.

>> p-I-n-k.

Okay, now give me a number.

>> three.

>> one, two, three.

Okay.

Ooh, you live on naboo.

You're married to a bookish

Brunette.

Her name is tina.

And you work --

>> does she have big boobs?

>> it doesn't say.

>> ooh, make that a thing.

>> I'm not making that a thing.

Okay, you do me now.

[ rumbling ]

>> guys.

Guys, it's me, the sarlaac pit.

>> uh, hi?

>> hi. Yeah, look.

Uh, don't mean to be a prick,

But you two guys have got to get

The [bleep] Out of here.

>> both: wh-o-o-o-oa!

>> we're...

We're free!

>> [ laughs ]

We made it!

>> free!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

>> yeah!

All right!

So...Now what?

[ piano riff plays ]

[ "Lapti nek" plays ]

>> "Episode siete, boba on the

Hunt"!

Semicolon, "Watch your ass,

Solo."

And for the love of all that's

Holy, do not smash cut to that

[bleep] Orangu--