Original subtitles

>> I suppose your presence here Means I made the naughty list.

>> we don't mind a little Mischief, jayden.

Flashing your wee-wee at the Maid -- that's one step too far.

>> and where is my mother?

[ sighs ] I see.

And how did she die?

>> not well.

>> [ muffled scream ] >> she made you work for it, did

She?

You'll find I'm not so easy.

[ gun cocks ] [ click, click ]

They say the second one is Always --

[ toy squeaks ] >> considerably.

>> aaah!

>> hah!

[ james bond-style music plays ] >> ha ha!

Haa...

Oh, it was a lot funnier when Jokey smurf did it, huh?

>> it's the most beautiful tree Ever!

>> it certainly is, sweetie!

>> [ crying ] My wife!

[ sobs ] You killed her!

And you decorated her!

>> back to your homes!

As the first atheist mayor, I am Shutting down the church.

>> but it's christmas!

>> well, you should have thought Of that when I campaigned as the

First atheist mayor.

[ crowd murmurs disapprovingly ] >> can we at least hear the

Christmas chimes?

>> no!

In fact, I removed the chimey Thingy that makes the chimey

Noise.

So you're screwed!

[ laughs evilly ] Oh, and vote for me in november.

[ dramatic music plays ] [ bells jingling ]

[ clanging ] >> daddy! Daddy!

Every time a bell rings, an Angel gets its wings!

[ clanging continues ] [ dramatic music plays ]

[ air-raid siren wails ] >> what the --

What the -- Oh, my!

[ gasping ] [ bell tolls ]

>> remember to keep christ in Christmas!

[ clanging ] [ clashes ]

>> brought to you by a church.

>> did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?

>> [ inhales deeply ] Go get her a mug from the

Stationery store.

[ epic music plays ] >> the reward for thor's good

Deeds -- a shiny bicycle!

>> a lump of coal?!

>> ha ha ha!

I love my son thor and not my Son loki.

And santa agrees.

Ha ha!

My parenting is most Inequitable.

>> I am off to the Rainbow bridge to offer rides

To the shirtless, muscular Warriors who there congregate.

>> bah!

Next christmas, victory shall Belong to loki, god of mischief.

[ laughs maniacally ] [ chuckles ]

[ mockingly ] Ooh, I'm thor, and I'm very thirsty.

[ glugging ] [ sighs ]

No one minds if I get another, Hmm?

[ laughs ] [ dispenser hisses ]

♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ I'm thor, and I'm peeing ♪

♪ I've got great aim 'cause I'm the god of thunder ♪

>> [ weakly ] Oh, dear.

Hold the door.

>> oh, don't worry. I got it.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Thor, god of thunder.

By the way, eat this.

Ha ha!

[ laughing maniacally ] [ bicycle bell ringing ]

>> [ spits ] By my own beard!

Is it christmas day or Opposite day?

Nay! It is christmas day!

>> I hath been good! I hath!

Santa claus shall taste a Thunder god's wrath!

>> [ snickering ] >> good god!

>> but not good ynough for ye, Eh?

Have at thee!

>> aaaaaaah!

>> hyah!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

>> aaaaaa-- [ crunch ]

[ squish ] >> thor did none of this!

Why would a thunder god refill His soda e'en after his thirst

Was slaked?

Or urinate hither and yon?

Or murder an old woman?

Well I diddeth not the other Two.

I smell my brother's deceitful Hand in this.

Rise, noble claus.

Thou wast fooled, as was I!

Loki's villainy must be Revealed!

>> whoo! I'm thor as hell!

>> he's a madman! Stop him!

>> fear not, santa claus!

You yourself shall make loki Pay -- a year hence, when you

Bring him a lump of coal on Christmas day.

Merry christmas, everyone!

>> god of thunder!

>> I love it when it snows.

It's so peaceful.

[ all screaming ] >> aaaaaaah! Oh! Oh, god!

I'm falling!

Wha-- what's happening?!

[ screaming continues ] Is that the ground? Aah!

Holy [bleep] That's the [bleep] Ground!

This is it!

Game over, man!

[ thud ] >> g-g-get off of me!

Oh, you're right on-- Get off of me!

>> I can't! I can't get up!

[ thud ] [ thud ]

>> ugh! Ungh! U-ungh!

It's a madhouse!

It's a madho-o-o-use!

>> I hate snow.

We should go to tahiti next Christmas.

>> yeah, let's do that!

[ snowflakes screaming ] >> shhhhhhh.

>> [ chuckles softly ] [ click, high-pitched whine ]

>> huh?

>> awww...

>> that's weird.

>> all: aaaah!

[ click ] >> okay, I delivered all the

Bombs.

Now, please don't hurt my Family!

>> and the jews?

Are the jews dead, too?

>> but...Jews don't even have Christmas.

>> then you have failed!

>> n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

[ gunshots ] >> don't forget about terrorism

This christmas.

A message from the department of Ho-ho-homeland security.

[ "O tannenbaum" plays ] >> I'd like to buy a chain for

My husband's watch.

>> $75.

>> oh, my! I can't afford that.

Unless...

I'd like to sell my hair, Please.

[ click, clippers buzzing ] >> I'd like to buy some brushes

For my wife's beautiful hair, Please.

>> $75.

>> for brushes? What the [bleep] What are they, solid gold?

My watch is 75 bucks, and it is A [bleep] Antique!

[ watch ticking ] >> what the [bleep] Happened to

You?

>> I wanted to buy you a chain For your watch, so I-I sold my

Hair to do it.

>> holy [bleep] You look like you have cancer!

Couldn't you have just let me Keep my beautiful wife for

Christmas?!

>> you don't like it?

>> well, here's where the irony Kicks in!

I wanted to get you hairbrushes For christmas, but the man said

I'd have to sell my watch to Afford them.

>> oh, no! You sold your watch?

>> [bleep] No!

What am I -- crazy?

For brushes?!

I think the cat brush is just as [bleep] Good, and that thing was

A buck fifty!

>> [ voice breaking ] So you Didn't get me brushes?

>> what, did they shave your Ears, too?

I said "No" already!

>> oh. [ chuckles nervously ] Then what did you get me?

>> lingerie!

Now go pop that sucker on.

This too.

>> yeah...

I'm gonna go stay with my mom For a while.

[ sleigh bells ringing ] >> how's the view back there,

Buddy?

The light at the end of the Tunnel is my ass.

>> [ gags ] >> huh?

>> [ echoing ] He-e-lp m-e-e-e!

>> put 'er down, boys.

Help is coming, little boy!

Are you hurt?

>> I've been down here three Days with no food or water!

[ voice breaking ] And I pooped In my pants!

>> three days?!

He could die of thirst before we Reach him!

>> not on my watch!

>> what are you -- Comet, stop peeing on that

Child!

>> I saw it on "Man vs. Wild."

You can drink pee, pee it out, And drink it again -- three

Times if you want!

>> this rain tastes like oats.

>> the fire department is on its Way.

>> there's no time!

>> comet, no!

[ thunk ] Comet?

>> um...

Okay, I'm stuck like halfway Down.

[ hooves scraping ] Almost there.

[ smack ] [ sirens wail ]

>> could have thrown a rope and Harness down to the kid, except

Your reindeer is pluggin' up the Hole now.

>> just throw down a grenade!

>> what?!

>> throw down one grenade to Launch me toward the bottom.

Then I'll grab the boy with my Teeth, and you can throw down a

Second grenade to launch me to The surface!

>> your deer don't know [bleep] About grenades, does he?

>> he spends most of his life on A frozen tundra.

Reindeer don't know [bleep] About [bleep] Quite frankly.

>> so, listen, thanks to your Deer, we're gonna have to

Excavate half this field.

>> oh, my god!

Comet?! Little boy?!

>> thank you, comet!

You've saved me!

>> aw, ain't no thing.

>> actually, about 100 Volunteers working around the

Clock with heavy machinery were The ones who --

>> I love you, mr. Comet!

>> I love you, too, Mr. Little boy!

>> ugh.

That still freaks me out.

>> yeah, it's 100% badass, all Right.

>> take us back to the North pole.

A-and don't say the line.

>> aw, I got to say the line.

Please?

Ple-e-e-ase?

>> [ groans ] Fine. Fine. Whatever.

>> [ clears throat ] Legs, where we're going, we

Don't need legs!

Yeah!

And away we go!

[ upbeat christmas music plays ] >> [ crying ]

>> how was I supposed to know he Was allergic to nuts?