Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ] >> it's alive!

[ electricity crackling ] >> it's alive!

>> and despite his elfin size, Hermey had bigger dreams.

>> I want to be a dentist!

>> you moron!

You know nothing about Dentistry!

>> I want to be a baker.

>> yecch! You idiot!

This doughnut's filled with Tinsel!

You know nothing about baking.

>> I-I-I want to be a Millionaire.

I'd have to say...

"'d.' nutcracker."

Final answer.

>> a woman's reproductive organ Is a nutcracker?!

You know nothing about Genitalia!

>> c-can I please come back, Santa?

This is all I know.

>> you're always welcome here, Hermey.

>> [ smooches ] [ gunshot, splash ]

>> the point being, you are more Than welcome to pursue outside

Interests.

The choice is yours.

>> ♪ do-do-do-do ♪ ♪ I saw mommy kissing

Santa claus ♪ >> I knew it!

That [bleep] Whore!

Where is he?!

Where's that mother[bleep] Santa claus?

>> what the hell, man?

He's not real.

>> do you know how long it takes To carve an ice door?

>> ohh!

>> aaaah!

>> ohh! Oh, my brothers!

>> now...Where's santa claus?

>> [ whimpering ] Oh, no!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Okay, okay, okay!

He's -- he's, uh, delivering Gifts, you know.

That's what he does.

So he's not gonna be back for Quite some time.

>> oh, no, wait.

H-he just walked in.

Where have you been?

>> I know.

>> know what?

>> suzy saw you kissing Santa claus!

>> that's just a song, silly.

[ music plays ] >> oh!

[ chuckles ] That makes sense.

Man, I got to start listening to More music.

>> I am [bleep] The neighbor, Though.

>> mike? How's he doing?

>> [ panting ] Joseph, why Couldn't you get us a room?

>> there weren't any rooms left, Mary.

>> oh, my vagina's about to Splat out an entire human being,

And they couldn't find me a Bed?!

>> it's okay, honey.

This will be fine.

[ animals farting ] >> [ coughs ] Ohh!

Ew!

Oh, joseph!

Uhh!

[ farts ] >> oh, god!

Whew! No more falafel for you.

>> sorry.

Aaaah!

>> okay, okay, now push.

Push.

[ animals farting ] Okay, that was good, honey.

You're doing great.

I'll go get you some water.

>> joseph!

>> [ squeals ] [ farts ]

>> ew!

[ animals farting ] Oh!

Oh, here it comes!

Aaaaah!

[ farting continues ] Aaaaaaah!

>> okay, baby, keep breathing.

This is it, now!

Oh, honey, that's it!

I can see it!

I can see the head! Now push!

>> aaah!

[ farting stops ] >> [ cries ]

>> our baby!

Little jesus...He's so Beautiful.

>> [ farts ] >> hello? Is everything okay?

I heard yelling.

Oh, it's very dark in here.

>> no-o-o-o-o!

>> that must be the sign we're Looking for!

>> the lord jesus christ is Born!

>> wow! Awesome!

Go, dad!

>> oh, my goodness, dear!

[ electricity crackles ] Oh, my god!

>> oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

>> oh, my god!

>> oh-ho!

>> oh, no!

[ screaming ] [ dog barking ]

>> aaaaah!

I'm on fire!

[ both scream ] >> and that's why I converted to

Judaism.

>> uh, dad, that's a great Story, but I think you forgot to

Blow out the menorah.

>> damn it!

>> blam!

>> my studies!

Oh! These are brand-new.

>> slam! Ha!

That's for...Uh...

Ah, nerd!

>> [ groans ] [ sighs ]

[ rumbling ] Whoa...

Oomph!

My goodness!

I've fallen into a strange and Magical land.

Well, you're no excalibur, but Then again, I'm no king arthur.

>> hello, there, stranger.

I'm mr. -- >> aah!

M-m-m-monster!

Monster!

Monster, die!

[ panting ] Wow...

I killed that creature.

I'm a hero!

Good job, excalibur ii!

But I'm freezing.

>> I, the white witch, have Sensed a new --

Holy [bleep] >> my queen!

>> oh, uh...

Care to come to my castle and Enjoy some turkish delight?

>> oh, boy!

My first sexual experience Without a computer!

>> turkish delight is a candy.

>> oh, boy! Candy!

>> and now, my champion, we will Defeat my enemy, the talking

Lion!

>> what?! A talking lion?

Pbht!

You mean there's no dragons or Balrogs or ringwraiths?

>> no, just a talking lion...

Who's an allegory for jesus.

>> well, I don't know.

Even a talking lion is pretty Scary, and I'm not all that --

[ gasps ] Your wish is my command.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

This is the best larp ever!

>> later, I'll show you how to Cross swords!

>> and now, young children, may These guide you through your

Journeys.

>> why is santa claus giving us Lethal weapons?

>> there he is, children!

Kill him!

>> whee!

>> [ groans ] >> eat your heart out,

"Worlds of warcraft"!

>> [ sighs ] this is why kids should read

Good christian fantasy instead Of "Harry potter."

>> you see that play with Daniel radcliffe's penis?

>> what kind of question is that To ask the jesus-allegory lion?

But, yes.

>> whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

300 experience points for me!

Great job, excalibur iii!

>> I'm bored.

Where'd I leave that nerd?

>> [ gasping ] Oh, thank you, sir.

It's very tight in there.

>> oh, not that nerd!

[ horse galloping ] >> what the --

>> yeah! Hoo-hoo!

>> [ whinnies ] >> you're both in big trouble!

>> it was worth it, my queen.

>> I hope you know that this Will go down on your permanent

Records!

>> you can't tell my parents.

>> do you even go to this School?!

>> do you?

>> whoo!

I love office christmas parties!

>> [ laughs ] Oh, dave is a riot at these

Things!

>> but I'm dave.

>> then who's -- >> dude, we are falling way

Behind.

Let's get out of here.

[ "O tannenbaum" plays ] >> aaaah!

Oomph!

>> oh, no!

We're late for christmas play Rehearsal.

>> don't worry.

Charlie brown's in charge.

We can just ignore him and dance Repetitively.

>> I love dancing repetitively.

[ crickets chirping ] [ footsteps ]

>> linus! You're awake!

>> uh...Why am I tied up?

>> because you're going to write Me the love letter I always

Wanted!

>> love letter?

I need to go to a hospital.

>> I always wanted to be a Nurse.

They have such pretty white Shoes.

>> things look bad for ol' Linus.

>> snoopy, have you seen linus?

He was supposed to walk me to Chemo.

Can you help me find him?

[ "Batman" theme plays ] [ sighs ]

Good grief.

>> I made snowflake soup!

I know how much you like Catching snowflakes on your

Tongue!

>> so, basically, you made me a Bowl of hot water?

[ doorbell rings ] Aaah!

>> val kilmer?

Hey!

You're my brother's dog!

I should've known you'd figure It out.

You're always so snoopy!

Oh, hey!

snoopy -- that's your name!

It all makes sense now!

[ laughter ] Aah!

[ grunts ] >> oh, my god!

She just murdered val kilmer!

>> where's my love letter, sweet Baboo?

This isn't a love letter.

It's a cry for help.

Did you think I'd let you mail It?!

>> but, sally, it's christmas.

>> you're right.

I almost forgot.

Does this tree look sturdy Enough?

>> uh...F-for what?

>> ah!

>> sch-u-u-u-ultz!

[ sighs ] It -- it's done.

>> really?!

Can I read it?

"Dear sally, see the words on This page?

Please keep your eyes on them so You don't notice the thing I'm

About to do."

Wow, I'm hook-- [ gagging ]

>> [ strains ] Shh. Shh.

It's almost over. Shh.

[ thud ] [ door opens ]

>> linus, thank goodness!

I've looked everywhere for you.

>> I was in your house, you Blockhead!

>> good grief...

I can't do anything right.

Even my sister's a psycho.

>> I never thought she was that Bad.

She wasn't that bad at all, Really.

Maybe she just needed a little Love.

>> [ coughs ] >> by the way, val kilmer's

Dead.

[ drums and triangle play ] [ drumming stops ]

[ triangle dings ]