Original subtitles

>> [ laughs maniacally ]

>> [ mechanical breathing ]

>> [ laughs maniacally ]

>> what in the [bleep] Is --

>> palpatine: [ chuckles ]

So I threw the senate at him.

[ laughter ]

The whole senate!

True story!

>> oh, my god, that is so funny.

>> [ laughing ] You made it come

Out of my nose.

[ telephone rings ]

>> palpatine: go for papa

Palpatine.

>> you have a collect call

From...

>> vader: [ mechanical

Breathing ]

Darth vader.

>> palpatine: [ sighs ]

I got to take this.

Hold on.

Vader, how's my favorite sith?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Just slow down.

Huh?

What do you mean, they blew up

The death star?

[bleep]

Oh [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

Who's "They"?

What the hell is an aluminum

Falcon?

[ sighs ]

Okay, okay, so who's left?

Are you [bleep] Me?

Well, where are you?

Wait a sec, you been flying

Around for two weeks trying to

Get a signal?

You must smell like feet wrapped

In leathery, burnt bacon.

Oh, oh, oh, I-I'm sorry.

I thought my dark lord of the

Sith could protect a small

Thermal-exhaust port that's only

Two meters wide.

That thing wasn't even fully

Paid off yet.

Do you have any idea what this

Is gonna do to my credit?

[ telephone rings ]

Hang on, I got another call.

What?!

I'm very busy right now!

Oh.

Oh, well, where are they going?

Oh, all right.

Um, just get me a turkey club.

Uh, cole slaw, I guess.

I'm not even gonna eat it.

What are you getting?

No, see, I always order the

Wrong thing.

No, no, no, I'll just stick with

That.

Okay, bye.

W-what?

Oh, cherry coke.

Thanks.

Sorry about that.

[ sighs ]

What?

Oh, oh, "Just rebuild it"?

Real [bleep] Original.

And who's gonna give me a loan,

Jackhole?

You?

You got an atm on that torso

Lite-brite?

Now get your 7'2" asthmatic ass

Back here, or I'm gonna tell

Everyone what a whiny bitch you

Were about padamami or

Panda bear or whatever the hell

Her name is.

Oh, jeez, he's crying.

[ chuckles ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, come on, don't do that.

Just -- just -- look, I'm just

Dealing with a lot of crap right

Now.

Death star blown up by a bunch

Of [bleep] Teenagers, you know?

I didn't mean to snap.

O-okay, just get back here.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Y-- I --

I love you, too.

>> what'll it be, pal?

>> jawa: martini!

>> [ whistling ]

Oh, jee-- oh, my god.

I got to get that transfer to

Coruscant.

>> I guess we'll have to eat

This boring oatmeal.

>> adm. Ackbar: it's a trap!

>> both: wow! Admiral ackbar!

Wow! Admiral ackbar cereal!

>> colorful marshmallows!

>> imitation crab meat!

>> adm. Ackbar: your tongues

Can't repel flavor of that

Magnitude.

>> there's a prize in every box.

>> admiral ackbar cereal, now

With brine shrimp.

>> ponda: [ sighs ]

[ speaking aqualish ]

>> evazan: whazuuuuup, ponda!

Let's bust out early and hit

That new cantina across the

Street.

Come on!

One drink ain't gonna kill you.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

>> [ babbling ]

>> [ squeaking ]

>> evazan: like I'm really gonna

Eat a bunch of bananas after

That?!

[ both laugh ]

He doesn't like you.

>> luke: I'm sorry.

>> evazan: I don't like you,

Either.

You better watch yourself.

We're wanted men.

I have the death sentence on

12 systems.

>> luke: I'll be careful.

>> evazan: you'll be dead!

>> ponda: [ screaming ]

>> gee, ponda, I just don't see

How you can keep designing with

No drawing arm.

I'm sorry, but we have to let

You go.

[ alarm buzzes ]

>> c-3po: oh -- oh, dear.

My keys.

[ chuckles ]

>> qui-gon: it's almost open.

Hold on to this.

>> whoa, coming through!

>> the wall's on fire!

[ elephant trumpets ]

>> what was that?

>> it was a lightsaber!

>> this is my first day!

[ car alarm blares ]

>> vader: what the --

Little help?

>> welcome to orientation day

Here on the jolly, old death

Star.

There are a few things we want

To go over with you concerning

Lord vader.

First and foremost, he thinks he

Has the power to strangle us.

Truth is, he doesn't.

If he ever realized this, he

Would kill us with his

Lightsaber.

Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all

Pretend to get strangled.

Okay, let's try a practice.

Commander winston here will

Assist me.

I'm going to hold out my hand

Like lord vader, and he will

Pretend to be strangled.

Gasping for air.

Grabs throat, yes.

Eyes back, and he's down.

Good show, commander.

Now two of the floor chiefs will

Retrieve the corpse, redress

Him, add a mustache, and he's

Back to work as

Lieutenant leopold.

Vader has the satisfaction of

Killing someone, and we stay

Amongst the living.

Why, private perkins over there

Has been strangled over

30 times, haven't you, perkins?

[ laughs ]

Good man.

>> luke: yeah!

This is awesome!

R2, patch me through.

I want to call uncle owen and

Aunt --

Ohh.

[ elevator bell dings ]

>> [ gasps ]

You're george lucas!

>> george: uh, I take it you're

Here for the "Star wars"

Convention?

>> I sure am.

Want to see my costume?

>> george: um...

>> see?

I'm a tauntaun.

But I don't have to tell you.

You invented tauntauns.

>> george: well, that's very

Interesting.

>> listen to my tauntaun call!

[ growling ]

[ elevator bell dings ]

>> george: nicely done.

Oh, dear god.

>> oh, my god!

George lucas!

>> I love you!

Give me a baby!

>> quickly, sir!

Onto my back!

I am your steed.

>> george: uh...

I have a bad feeling about this.

>> [ growling ]

>> george: oh, dear god.

[ crowd gasps ]

>> george: oh, well, um...

And I thought they smelled bad

On the outside.

[ laughter and applause ]

>> just like in the movie!

Me?

Thank you!

Thank you!

And that was the greatest day of

My whole life.

>> what about when I was born?

>> not even close.

>> luke: but with the blast

Shield down, I can't even see.

How am I supposed to fight?

Ooh!

Ooh!

>> [ roars ]

Oh, damn it!

>> what is it?

>> I never get a spaceship.

I never get anything.

>> should we order some chinese

Food?

>> I don't know, I guess.

>> we'll get some chinese.

[ telephone dialing ]

Hello, could we get, um...

What do you think, 5 million

Tons of kung pao chicken?

>> that's good.

>> yeah, 3 million pot stickers

And one order of scallion

Pancakes.

>> get some fried rice.

>> 5 million tons of fried rice.

Cash or charge?

It's -- hold on.

We're just gonna gobble him up

When he gets here, right?

>> yeah, of course.

>> cash, then.

>> mace: [ screaming ]

That mother--

>> [ sighs ]

I got to get that transfer to

The death star.

>> mr. President, your vitals

All check out fine.

There is just one thing.

Your midi-chlorian count is

Extraordinarily high.

>> pres. Bush: does that mean

That I'm one of them, whatcha

Call 'em, jedis?

[ chuckles ]

>> laura: oh, not tonight.

I'm tired, honey.

>> pres. Bush: you're not tired.

You want to have a threesome.

>> laura: I'm not tired.

I want to have a threesome.

>> george: get me condi.

[ chuckles ]

[ tires screech ]

>> pres. Clinton: oh, sorry,

"W."

Big mac attack.

Yee-hoo!

Hey, hey, whoa!

What the dilly?

>> pres. Bush: [ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

Saber beats rock.

[ rumbling ]

What in the hell?

>> pres. Lincoln: who dares

Disturb my slumber?

>> pres. Bush: who dares

Question my...Daring...Of his

Dare?

Jerk!

>> pres. Lincoln: it is I, I who

Freed the slaves, I who

United --

>> pres. Bush: boring.

Let's fight!

>> pres. Lincoln: if you

Strike me down, I shall

Become -- wait, let me finish!

Aah!

>> pres. Bush: that'll teach

You, george washington!

Jenna, get over here right now!

I am your father!

>> jenna: that's not true.

That's impossible.

My real father would let me go

Clubbing as late as I want!

>> pres. Bush: you little --

>> jenna: ow.

>> pres. Bush: oh, no, baby, I'm

Sorry.

>> jenna: aah!

You suck!

>> pres. Bush: nooooo!

[ snoring ]

What -- huh?

Was it just a dream?

>> mr, president, we still

Haven't found any weapons of

Mass destruction.

>> pres. Bush: you have found

Weapons of mass destruction.

>> uh...Hi.

We haven't.

>> pres. Bush: you have.

>> I don't know what you're

Doing.

>> pres. Bush: bring me a taco.

>> yes, sir.

>> pres. Bush: tacos rule.

>> cloud city will be cloudy

This evening, followed by

Clouds.

>> get your own tauntaun!

>> luke: your overconfidence is

Your weakness.

>> palpatine: your faith in your

Friends is yours.

>> luke: faith in yo mama.

>> palpatine: what was that?

>> luke: I said, yo mama's so

Fat, jabba the hutt said,

"Da-a-a-mn!"

>> palpatine: well, your

Mother's so ugly, she put the

"Ug" in ugnaught.

>> vader: oh, yo mama fight!

>> luke: yo mama's so stupid,

She spent all day saying, "Am

Not," to r2.

[ crowd shouts ]

>> palpatine: your mother is so

Fat that ben kenobi said,

"That's no moon."

That's your mama!"

[ crowd shouts ]

>> luke: yo mama's so dumb,

She thought jar jar comes with

Pickles pickles!

[ crowd shouts ]

>> palpatine: your mother is so

Stupid, she -- she thinks a

Lightsaber has fewer calories.

[ crowd murmurs ]

>> I don't get it.

>> palpatine: it's light.

Like it's light.

Like, light means that there's

Not a lot of calories and it's

Good...For your body.

That's how stupid your mother

Is.

>> luke: yo mama is so stupid,

She went to bangkok to get a

Tie fighter.

And luke wins!

>> palpatine: what are you

Doing?

What are you doing?!

Put me down!

[ screaming ]

>> oh, come on.

What are they doing up there all

The time?

>> what's happened up there?

>> han: uh, we had a slight

Weapons malfunction, but

Everything's perfectly all right

Now.

We're all fine here now.

Thank you. How are you?

>> we're sending a squad up.

>> han: negative.

We had a reactor leak here now.

Give us a minute.

Large leak, very dangerous.

>> there's no reactor on that

Floor.

>> han: yes, well...I talked to

Dave johnson in stormtrooper

Engineering, and he said there

Is a reactor here.

>> dave johnson?

Hang on one second.

Okay, I have dave johnson on the

Line.

Dave, did you tell someone

There's a reactor in prisoner

Control room?

>> dave: uh, no, there's no

Reactor there.

>> han: I don't know what to

Tell you, but I'm staring

Straight at a reactor.

Maybe vader had it installed

Yesterday.

>> hang on a second.

>> vader: what do you want?

>> lord vader, did you install a

Reactor in the prisoner control

Room?

>> vader: um...Not that I know

Of.

Hang on one second.

Sheila, can you get me the plans

To the death star?

Okeydokey, the plans here --

Let me have a look.

[ singing indistinctly ]

Reactor, reactor, reactor.

No reactor that I can see, but

Might as well put one in.

There's always room for another

Reactor.

>> we'll send a team up to build

The new reactor.

>> han: no, not necessary.

We've got it under control.

Boring conversation anyway.

Okay, let's build this reactor.

>> vader: inform the emperor

That the jedi temple has been

Sealed.

>> yes, my lord.

>> jar jar: ani?

Ani! Little ani!

>> vader: jar jar, I am no

Longer anakin skywalker.

>> jar jar: these are some nice

Duds.

>> vader: look, jar jar, it is

Very important...

[groans]

That you never speak to me

Again.

>> jar jar: what'sa happen to

You?

Yousa burn your face --

Aaaah!

Ani-bo-bani!

What'sa happen to you?

>> vader: jar jar, homey, my

Main man, quickly, before the

Separatists attack, get into the

Escape pod.

>> jar jar: hey, if this is

Escape, then where the pod?

Yousa forgot the pod!

Whoo!

>> vader: [ sighs ]

[ chuckles ]

>> jar jar: ani, look!

Yousa not gonna believe it!

Meesa all sparkly glowy.

Now weesa gonna have all the

Time to spend together.

I love you, ani!

[ cheers ]

Ani, yeah!

>> and toshi station is proud to

Present the power converters!

Oh, yeah!

>> boba: [ muttering ]

Hey, mr. Solo.

Solo on the rocks.

You can't beat me, I'm

Boba fett!

I'm the greatest bounty hunter

Ever.

[ imitates gunfire ]

Oh, yeah.

What's that, solo?

Oh, blasters aren't fair?

Okay, dig it -- no blasters.

Oh, ah!

Didn't see that one coming, did

You, huh?

So slow.

You thought I was over there,

But guess what.

[ laughing ] Over here.

Oh, yeah.

A little rope-a-dope, huh?

Left-right-left-right, oh!

[ laughs ]

Down goes solo.

[ breathing heavily ]

Huh?

What's that?

Oh, you want a face-to-face?

Let me just take this bad boy

Off.

Oh, he's even better looking

Without the helmet.

Surprise ending.

Huh? You want me to come closer?

Oh, you don't want to fight

Anymore?

Oh, your hands are up there

Almost like you're begging --

Begging for a little piece of

Boba.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

You like it 'cause you're bad.

Oh, yeah.

You dirty little smuggler.

>> chewbacca: [ growls ]

>> vader: turn to the dark side

And join me.

>> luke: I'll never join you!

You killed my father!

>> vader: no, luke, I am your

Father.

>> luke: that's not true.

That's impossible!

>> vader: and princess leia is

Your sister.

>> luke: that's not true!

That's...Improbable.

>> vader: and the empire will be

Defeated by ewoks.

>> luke: that's...

[ chuckles ]

Very unlikely.

>> vader: and as a child, I

Built c-3po.

>> luke: huh?

>> vader: and the force?

Well, that's just microscopic

Bacteria in your bloodstream

Called midi-chlorians.

>> luke: look, if you're not

Gonna take this seriously, I'm

Out.

>> palpatine: as you can see, my

Young apprentice, your friends

Have --

[ hammering, whirring ]

Your friends have failed.

Now --

[ grinding ]

Now witness the firepower of --

[ loud grinding ]

Fully armed and operational --

Oh, come on!

[ grinding continues ]

Hey, fellas!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[ noise stops ]

Hey, the force is strong with

This one, eh?

What do you got there, a latte?

You ever have the hazelnut

Macchiato?

Change your life.

Anywho...Tony, right?

>> ray: ray.

>> palpatine: ray, sorry.

I get mixed up.

Who's tony?

Anyway, I hate to interrupt.

I know you're very busy.

Is there any way you could

Finish this area, you know,

Later?

I'm kind of in the middle of

Something.

>> ray: look, mr. Saltine, I

Don't tell you how to...Threaten

Your blond kid, so why don't you

Go back over there to your

Sit-and-spin and let me do my

Job?

>> palpatine: okay, copy that.

Good talk.

They'll just be a little longer.

I'd tell them to stop, but, you

Know...No speak-o minimum

Wage-o.

[ chuckles ]

So, where was I?

Oh, right, right.

Now witness the firepower...

[ loud drilling ]

[ upbeat "Star wars" theme

Plays ]

>> jabba the hutt's hottest

Singer was blown to smithereens,

But his rock 'n' roll will never

Die.

Presenting max reebo's greatest

Hits, including "Why do I look

Like an elephant?"...

>> max: [ singing in

Native language ]

>> "Ooh, I have an average

Memory"...

And his grammy award-winning

Single, "I already told you I'm

Not an elephant"...

And his famous duet with

Nsync's joey fatone.

>> joey: ♪ neither of us is an

Elephant ♪

>> max reebo's greatest hits,

The guy who looks like a blue

Elephant.

Order now.

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

>> zuckuss: ya ya ya!

Okay, everybody.

Welcome back to the show.

We have a surprise guest

Tonight.

I really wasn't expecting this.

Emperor palpatine is here.

>> palpatine: silence!

Fear me!

>> zuckuss: so, tell me,

Your highness, how do you plan

On putting down this rebellion?

>> palpatine: by shooting it

With lightning!

That's how I solve all my

Problems.

And then afterwards, I shall eat

Pudding.

>> zuckuss: [ laughing ] Okay.

But seriously, the rebels have

Already caused major

Disruptions.

>> palpatine: I'll show you a

Major disruption...

A major disruption in my adult

Undergarments.

>> zuckuss: okay.

>> palpatine: can we get out of

Here?

Seriously, francis, it's time

For my soap operas.

>> zuckuss: it's zuckuss.

>> palpatine: peace out,

Fly-face!

Fear me!

>> zuckuss: okay, that was fun.

Let's bring out our next guest,

The lord of the sith,

Darth vader!

[ upbeat music plays ]

Hey, easy.

You could hurt somebody with

That.

Easy, boy. Easy, boy.

Okay, well, that's our show

Tonight.

Stay tuned for "Late-night talk"

With sinbad.

>> leia: that was so wrong.

>> ladies and gentlemen, welcome

To empire on ice!

>> luke: ♪ the empire is chasing

Us ♪

♪ they simply will not cease ♪

>> han: ♪ oh, man, my nuts are

Freezing, kid ♪

♪ I'm up out this bitch ♪

>> both: peace!

>> ♪ I'm the wampa ♪

♪ I'm the snowman ♪

♪ and I don't take any lip from

No man ♪

>> luke: but --

[ soft music plays ]

>> han: ♪ I know you want me

Bad, princess ♪

♪ you know you're such a

Flirter ♪

>> leia: ♪ shut up, you scruffy

Nerf-herder ♪

>> c-3po: ♪ luke, he hasn't

Checked in yet ♪

♪ it might be that he is done ♪

♪ his chances of surviving

Here ♪

♪ are 10,000,005-to-1 ♪

>> r2-d2: [ beeps and whistles ]

>> chewbacca: [ growls ]

>> ♪ you're so dumb ♪

♪ the empire's been alerted, and

Here they come ♪

>> all: ♪ empire on ice ♪

♪ empire on ice ♪

♪ here we are ♪

♪ the empire on ice ♪

♪ all those rebels will pay a

Big price ♪

♪ vader's not nice ♪

♪ and the tauntaun gets sliced ♪

♪ and chewbacca has lice ♪

♪ the empire on ice ♪

♪ empire on ice ♪

♪ empire on I-I-ice ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ chickens clucking to tune of

"Star wars" theme ]

>> vader: [ mechanical

Breathing ]

>> jar jar: [ shouts ]

Ani, yeah!

[ shouts indistinctly ]