Original subtitles

Robot chicken xmas episode 2005

[captioning made possible by

Turner entertainment group]

[drill]

>> it's alive!

[maniacal laughing]

[bells jingling]

>> ohh!

Dad could you kick an

Angel's ass?

>> you're damn right I could.

[thud]

>> is that santa on the roof?

>> well, if not, I got a

Present for him.

>> oof!

>> santa!

Santa!

>> oh, my mother[beep] Knee!

Aw, [beep] [beep].

Oh, [beep] It all to hell.

That hurts like a mother[beep].

>> dad, what's a [beep]?

>> ha.

Huh.

Uh, so, santa, what--what

Happened?

>> bandits, goku.

They stole my reindeer and all

The presents and my pants!

>> ha ha ha!

Christmas is ours!

>> you'll never get away with

This.

>> ho ho ho!

I've got 5 good reasons for you

To shut up.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5!

>> dad, who are those guys?

>> kung fu legends.

That's the little drummer boy,

Whose mystical drum conjures

Demons most foul; the

Nutcracker, who knows over 100

Different testicle-based

Attacks; and composite santa

Claus, who looks like one half

Santa and one half frosty the

Snowman.

>> what are composite santa's

Powers?

>> I don't know, but he freaks

Me right the [beep] Out.

>> intruders!

>> I will conjure a demon with

My magical drum!

Ha ha ha!

>> spirit bomb!

>> yell it really loud!

[boom]

>> holy [beep]!

>> I'll get this one, dad.

You're not so tough.

>> testicle attack number 49!

>> ow!

My dragonball.

>> ohhhhhhh...

>> ohhhhhhh...

Oh, baby!

>> ohhhhhhhh!

>> ok. I got nothing.

Oh!

Temperature's over 32 degrees

Fahrenheit, my only weakness.

>> we...Did it.

>> fools!

>> mrs. Santa?!

>> that's right.

The mastermind behind this evil

Attack on christmas is me!

>> but why?

>> it all started at the north

Pole.

I started getting terrible

Headaches.

>> mrs. Clause, are you ok?

>> aah!

At first, I thought it was

Merely my period, but that was

Not the case, as I hit

Menopause centuries ago.

[rim shot]

Polar radiation forced an

Evolutionary change in me.

Now I want revenge.

Aah!

>> oh, nooooooooooooo!

>> enouuuuuuuuuuuugh!

>> gohan and I need a minute to

Rest.

It's up to you for now.

>> I--I think one of them

Popped.

>> it's payback time.

Let's beat her up so bad her

Kids will inherit the bruises.

>> yeah.

We'll hit her so hard, she'll

Starve to death rolling.

>> she's so ugly, we'll push

Her face and go and make

Gorilla biscuits!

>> she's so black, when she go

To night school, teacher mark

Her absent!

>> that's--it's still my wife,

Guys!

>> kiiiiiill!

>> ohh!

Your nose shoot lasers?

>> you didn't think there was a

Reason it glows red?

What does your shoot?

>> eww!

To think I wanted to play your

Games.

[groaning]

>> she's grown too gigantic and

Unstable.

Women.

Am I right, fellas?

>> the tenka'ichi budokai is

Finally complete.

>> what the [beep] Are you

Talking about?

Was that even english?

What happened to my wife?

This is the last time I bring

Presents to japan.

[rim shot]

>> bring out your dead.

>> december 24, 4:30 p.M.,

Christmas eve.

A time for joyous celebration,

A time for gift-giving, for

Peace and love, a time for

Murder.

It was the christmas that made

Everyone cry--except for maybe

The jews--but when the evidence

Pointed to murder, the question

On everyone's mind became, "Who

Killed christmas?"

[retches]

Perhaps no one can shed light

On this mystery more than

Martha claus, the victim's wife

Of 43 years.

>> we stayed together mostly

Due to licensing issues.

I doubt he would have gotten

Any sponsorship deals if he

Were a divorced single man

Living with a bunch of elves.

They'd think he was gay.

>> rushed by grief, the widow

Claus has kept a low profile

Since the murder, but not all

Was warmth and love at the

North pole.

Deep inside santa's fabled

Workshop, discontent had begun

To spread among the androgynous

Elvin workforce.

>> it was all about the coke,

Man.

Santa had us elves hide the

Blow in the crappy wooden toys.

Then he'd make the drop...

>> give me, give me toy!

Give me, give me toy!

Give me, give me toy!

Give me, give me toy!

Give me, give me.

>> and the sale was complete.

He tried using some different

Ways to sneak the product in.

[popping]

You ever see a yeti with a

Dozen condoms of coke burst in

His belly?

[roaring]

>> aah!

[screaming]

[alarm ringing]

>> it's a bad scene, man.

>> were the allegations true?

Santa claus an international

Drug peddler?

>> drugs?

That wasn't no secret, but I'll

Tell you what the fat man's

Real problem was--when some of

The shipments started turning

Up a little light, you follow

Me?

Somebody started having a

Little private party, you know

What I'm saying?

I think you do.

As for who?

Well, you ever wonder how his

Nose got so red.

>> punishment was swift for

Anyone who dared cross the

Boss...

>> happy birthday!

>> for anyone caught being

Naughty at the north pole.

>> happy birthda--aah, aah,

Aah, aah!

>> who killed santa claus?

A neglected housewife,

Colombian drug runners, some

Retard snowman?

We may never know who killed

Santa claus, but whoever did is

Still out there watching,

Waiting.

Who's next--the easter bunny,

Cupid, that lucky charms cereal

Guy?

Who's to say, but when it does

Happen, "Unsolved case files"

Will be there to make a buck.

Next time on "Unsolved case

Files"...

The taco bell chihuahua's

Castration--simple neutering or

Hate crime?

>> yo quiero my nuts.

>> ♪ patty cake, patty cake

Baker's man ♪

>> yee ha ha ha hoo hoo!

>> verily, I say unto you that

One of you shall betray me.

Aah!

>> ha ha ha!

>> judas!

Ha ha ha!

Cheap shot.

Oh, lucky for you I'm gonna

Turn the other--ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey, hey.

That's my flesh you're throwing

There.

[jet flying]

[rock music playing]

>> where's the bunny?

Wiggle your big toe.

Great.

I am jesus, you know.

[speaks japanese]

>> hyah!

>> oy!

>> aah!

Aah!

>> 5-fingered palm of death.

Let me try that again.

>> thanks.

>> it's what I do.

>> you didn't think it would be

That easy, did you?

>> for a second there, yeah, I

Kind of did.

>> ♪ buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck

Buck, buck, buck

B-buck, buck, buck

B-b-buck, buck, buck, buck

Buck ♪

[captioning made possible by

Turner entertainment group]

[captioned by the national

Captioning institute

--www.Ncicap.Org--]