All language subtitles for Quiz.2020.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Southwark Crown Court
where Charles Ingram...

Army Major Charles Ingram
and his wife Diana

arriving at court today
to face the cameras.

Inside, Ingram is to hear claims

that he teamed up
with a coughing accomplice,

alleged to be
college lecturer Tecwen Whittock,

to cheat his way
to the £1 million jackpot

on ITV's hit quiz show,
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Oh, hello.

I believe we're charged with
co-conspiracy.

It's nice to meet you both

at last.

Yes, the accused look,
and to all intents and purposes, are

respectable middle-class,
middle-aged,

middle England men and women.

At the end of the day,
this was just a game.

A television quiz show
enjoyed by millions,

but creating in a select few

this unhealthy obsession

that spilled over
into an audacious heist.

Who wanted to be a millionaire?

My God, these three certainly did.

You are facing a 50-50,

guilty or not guilty.

The Crown believes the answer
to be self-evident.

They are guilty as charged.

Today, one home in three
throughout the British Isles

sits spellbound several hours a day
before a magic cube.

A new public service
is about to be launched

over the rooftops of old London.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen,
a holiday of a lifetime.

You've won a marvellous
14-day holiday for two.

You've got a radiogram
and a nice easy chair to sit on.

Bern is the capital of...
Switzerland.

Edinburgh.
Scotland.

This wonderful microwave oven and a
superb range of kitchen equipment.

Let's play Bullseye.

For £50. Who was beaten
by Martina Navratilova

in the 1987 finals?
Steffi Graf.

Welcome to Mr and Mrs.

We've got two happily married
couples back there,

ready and willing to hand over
their nuptials to me.

It's nice to see you, to see you...

Nice!

Hi, sir.

David Liddiment. I start today.

What department?

Uh... I think, uh...

Well, I suppose all of them.
I'm the new Director of Programmes.

Oh! Stand by your beds,
best behaviour, new boss is here.

God, I hate changes of leader.

And them wanky new ideas.

David! Claudia.
Head of Entertainment.

Hi.
Claudia, hi. How are you?

Surprise, surprise,
it's Claudia who gets to him first.

You look...
I look... I look like hell.

Just had baby number two,
that's my excuse, anyway, so...

Uh... Time for a quick catch-up?

Walk and talk?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm interested in events.

Event television.

Why do the BBC always trounce us
in the big stuff?

Diana's funeral
a couple of weeks ago,

one of the most watched programmes
in TV history,

and obviously, tragic as that was,
goes without saying... Tragic.

..people still want to
gather as a nation

to experience
something big together.

I'm just not sure the classic light
entertainment of old fits into that.

OK.

Well, we've always gotten
our game show formats from America.

So time for something new.

No, time to invent our own.

The classic TV game show can be

the must-see TV thingy
that you're looking for.

I'm not just saying that
to save my department's skin.

Claudia, I've got Martin Bashir
coming in this morning to discuss...

Very important, but if you just
let me bring some people in...

I have one. I think I have one.

It's an old one.
The last gaffer rejected it.

Brilliant. Why is it an event?

Because they're going to give away
£1 million.

The idea then would be that the
higher up the mountain you climb,

the more your time would deplete,
the way that oxygen might deplete.

No. Stop trying to complicate it.

It's simple. Questions and answers.

Paul, for crying out...
This isn't 1955.

Everyone else is making shows where
you spy on strangers in a house

or throw them out of helicopters.
Yeah. Crap. Desperate.

This is the show
we're going to pitch.

Re-pitch.

We could set it on actual mountain.

Well, like a little one.

Like in...

Wales or...

Look, right, I'm with Paul.

It's what we did
on the radio show with Chris.

Answer a question,
you get it right, you double it,

so you keep doubling,
so the higher up you go,

the more you can earn,
but the more you can lose.

People love it.

But the networks don't.

That's why they all
turned it down the first time.

Fusty old game show.

It's not a game show, it's a quiz.

That's the joy of it.

People love a good pub quiz.

A uniquely British invention
combining our two greatest loves,

drinking and being right.

Nope. Fine.
You write it down, then.

Ever the teacher, you do it.

That's not how you spell that.
Question three.

The Living Room War was the nickname

given to which conflict

perceived to be the first truly
televised war of the 20th century?

Suez?
Korean?

Maybe it is Suez.
No, it was too early,

we didn't have a TV during Suez.

Vietnam. It's Vietnam.

Are you sure, Dad?

Uh... Who here got down
to the last four on Fifteen To One,

toughest show on television?

Vietnam.

Diana. Diana?

Telephone. Diana.

Guess who for 12 points.

"I say, darling, is that the time?
Deary me.

"In the army,
one must always be on time.

"Golly."

Oi! No phone calls. Cheating.

I'm not cheating. We don't cheat.

Charles, it's Tuesday,

pub quiz night, my one night...

No, hello, darling. No, no, no,
I'm not asking you to come home,

it's just that Polly wants you to
hear her piano piece before bedtime.

She's got all the way through
the first bit.

I'll hold the phone out.
One second. One sec.

Go. Go.

Question four, in which country was
the Rosetta Stone found in 1799?

That's all I've got.

That's all she's got.

That's all she's gotten.

That's all for now, darling.

Oh, well, tell her well done.
I'll be home soon.

Lots of love.
Next question...

It's exciting!

Brand-new school,
new children, new friends.

It's just memorising all the names.

They'll need a system.

Can you call the landlord tonight
about the boiler?

Last thing we needed
was cold showers this morning. Sure.

You feeling all right today?
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

It's a bit of a step down, isn't it,
training other officers?

Well, it's a step around.
It's a step different.

It's nice to be near your dad
and Adrian, isn't it?

Yes, although you should have
seen him last night,

so competitive, he drives me crazy.

But you're quite competitive too
in a lovely way.

Nothing wrong with
a bit of ambition, Charles.

So, it's multiple choice,

which has never been done
on telly before, ever,

and you get to see the question
and four possible answers

before you decide to play.

Right, so it's easier, then?

No, if anything,
it adds to the torment.

And there's no clock,
they get as long as they want.

Well, where's the tension?

Because we're watching people
potentially

making life-changing decisions.

And we'll just sit there
and watch them go through it all,

the whole gamut of emotions,
waiting.

And then there's also the matter of

the largest game show prize
in the history of television.

Right, yeah,
so you're gonna bankrupt us all.

Oh, there's nothing to worry about.

It would take a very unique sort of
person to risk going all the way.

That fear is built into the show.

Well, let's try it.
Play it with you.

Now.

Sure, why not? Love a game.

And we thought,
to make things more real,

you could put your own money in.

£250, say?

For the psychology, you know.

Oh, you did, did you?

Right. Yeah.

You think I just carry £250
around with me?

Certainly close. 230.

Claudia, do you have, um...

What, you want me to put in...
20 quid, I'm putting in 230.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Let's play...

♪ Dooo...

What was that?

That's the..

the lights going down.

Something along that.

OK. Question one,

what would an aborigine do
with his wurlie?

Would he, A, eat it,

B, hunt with it,

C, play it,

D, live in it?

Now, you have three
Helping Hands or something...

We're working on...

You can phone a friend,
you can halve it,

so there's a 50-50 chance,
or you can ask the audience.

Right, the halve it option.

C, play it,

or D, live in it.

Sod it, live in it.

Is the right answer.

Oh! Yes!
Double.

You know, I...

I really thought it was that one.
Yeah.

Question three,
who was the reigning monarch

when Britain lost the war
of independence with America?

Was it...
George II. George III.

No, no, George II.

Right, do...
George III.

Do you want the options?

Yeah, give me the options.

Question four. Now, this is
to double your money again,

or you lose it all.
Mm-hm.

In feet, what is the length
of the Titanic,

663,

773,

883,

993?

Well, I'll, um...

I'll use my last life boat.

Helping Hand, although,
actually, that's...

Anyway, uh... Ask the audience.

They'd each be given
a keypad to vote.

Why don't you just ask them
out there, if you like,

as a sort of audience?
OK.

Oi! Listen, everyone, a sec.

Uh...

How long is the Titanic in feet?

Is it, uh...
What were the bloody options again?

663.
663.

773.
773.

883.
Yeah, I've got it now, thanks.

883 or 993.

Well, come on, the great
and the good, have a guess.

Right, well, you're all fired.

Bloody useless.

I'll stick.

Keep my money.

Yeah.

Yeah, there is something in it,

but...

if people do win more than
we get from the phone lines,

we're screwed.

I'll go halves on the risk with you.

With ITV.

I'll absorb 50%
of the liability myself.

I want a pilot

and we'll see.

Don't worry, in for a penny,
in for a...

million pounds.

I, uh...

need to go and have a very awkward
conversation with my wife.

It'll be fine.

Fine.

Let's just hope the first people
to phone in for the show are...

well, idiots.

I hope you're finding it
peaceful here, Major Ingram.

Beautiful part of the world
of course, Wiltshire.

Lovely walks.
Absolutely. Yes.

Plenty of space for the kids
to, um...

And we have a cat now. Uh...

for the family to...

Well, yeah, so...
And you were in Bosnia?

Yes, sir.

Please.
Oh, thank you.

Bit of a gear shift, though,
desk work.

Well, I wanted a bit more normality,
I suppose, for my family,

and I'd, um...

I'd seen it with my own,
you know.

When I was growing up,
my father in the air force

and my brother in the navy,
and, uh...

Although... Well, my mother does
something altogether different,

she designs sets for plays.

Ah, the theatre. My, my.

And you were never tempted
to tread the boards yourself?

No, no, God, no.
Military life's a much better fit.

It's, uh...

Yeah, well, it's wholly away
from the limelight, isn't it?

A uniform anonymises you

and puts you in the service for
something else, something greater.

Still, doesn't mean one can't enjoy

a bit of the old
theatrical razzmatazz, eh?

♪ I am the very model
Of a modern Major General...

Gilbert and Sullivan.

My other used to play it for us
on the piano.

♪ I know the kings of England and
I quote the fights historical...

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical

Yeah.

♪ I'm very well acquainted too
With matters mathematical

♪ I understand equations
Both the simple and quadratical

♪ About binomial theorem
I am teaming with a lot o' news

♪ With many cheerful facts
About the square of the hypotenuse

♪ I'm very good at integral...
♪ I know our mythic history...

♪ I answer hard acrostics...

Oh, dear, no.

What's gone wrong?
We're on different verses.

I think you jumped
to the King Arthur bit.

Well, that is the next bit,
isn't it? I don't think it...

But it doesn't matter,
we can go from your verse if...

No, no, the moment's gone now.

Blimey.

Maybe I should be paying
for lunch, then.

Oh, Chris, don't be silly.

My treat. You've put
your own house on the line, Paul.

Is this a game show
or a Mafia racket?

It's fine.

As long as we get the revenue,
which we will,

from people phoning in,
which they will.

Otherwise YOU, Paul Smith,
have to put your own money...

I mean, if someone...

A million quid, my God.

Not if you, Chris Tarrant,
agree to present the show.

A guaranteed hit.

People will love it.

You can sign them a cheque yourself.
Your name.

Oh, me?

So I'm liable now too?

As a gesture, that's all.

Look, we'll film a pilot,
test the idea.

At least do that.

Come on, how can you not want
to be a part of this?

It'll be...

fun.

♪ You take me over the rainbow
And up to Cloud Nine

♪ I'm flying high
Like a bird in the sky... ♪

Welcome back to Cash Mountain.

OK, contestants...

Go tighter.
Stand by...

'You will hear three beeps.

'After the third beep,
four possible answers will appear.

'The fastest
to select the right answer

'will be next in our hot seat
to play for £1 million.'

OK, here we go.
Tighter, OK.

Which of these countries
has a Union Jack on its flag?

'Four possible answers.'

Look, before you say anything,
I know.

I'm holding my hands up.

The pilot looks a mess.

The design is all wrong.
Mess is a bit harsh, but it's too...

Happy clappy.

It's too Saturday night,
jazz hands, it's all tits and teeth.

Can we still say tits and teeth?

But we'll find it, David, trust us.

Please. Something harder, darker.
For the drama.

We want the audience to be...

All right, listen. Listen.

This is Jeff, our scheduler.

Schedule. You...

What do you mean?
Do you mean that we're on?

We're gonna try and strip it.

Lift seven days
out of our autumn schedule

and run it every night for a week
at peak times.

Event television.

Strip a game show?

Peak times, same time
every night of the week?

There's something in it.

In the DNA of the game.

Watching it.

It's really exciting.

But yes, it looks shit right now,
so fix that,

and fast. Oh, and the title's crap.

It needs a new name.

Oh, my God! Oh, my... Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Ha-ha-ha!

Whoo! Ah!

Drama.

Tension.

Drama in-built into everything.

Including the chair.

Remember, um...

Mastermind?

That set was designed
by a chap

who had been interrogated
by the Gestapo.

I want audio speakers
inside the seat,

vibrating with heavy sound,

pulsating up through the contestant.

Gah-gung, gah-gung, OK?

Next, the lights.

Darker.

♪ Who wants to be a millionaire?

I do.

Hello and welcome
to tonight's edition

of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

All you have to do
is call this number.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,
Thursday at eight, ITV.

Come on, it's about to start!
What's about to start?

That new quiz show that's been
plastered everywhere. Adrian's here.

Adrian, your brother?
I thought it was our night in.

Oh, sorry, it's just a thing
that we do together, that's all.

Come on, it's fun.

Hello.

Adrian?

Um... I brought pizza.
We already have pizza.

Your message said, "No pizza."
Yes, "No pizza."

Yes, as in, "We don't have any
pizza, no pizza, so bring pizza."

No, no. "Pizza, we already have lots
of pizza, don't bring pizza."

Stop saying pizza!

We're about to make
television history.

For the first time on UK TV, we have
a top prize available of £1 million.

'And it could be won here tonight.

'No tricks, no traps.

Contestants can leave here tonight
with big cash prizes.

Two, tight in.

Four, pull back.

I'm gonna take the money, Chris.

Just there.

God. SO dull.

It gives me SO much pleasure

to give you a cheque for £64,000!

Come on.
Why isn't it taking off yet?

Where's the bloody tension?

It's fine. It's fine, Paul,
it just needs bedding in.

Be patient.

As Graham leaves
with 64,000 smackeroonies.

Good heavens. £64,000.

That's ridiculous.

Shh, yes, we know.

Come on.

I'm not sure yet, you know.

This all seems a bit dramatic.

Let's see who got there quickest.

The next fastest finger
is Rachel Da Costa!

Come on, come on.

'So, Rachel, what would you do
if you won £1 million?'

I would clear all mine
and my fiance's debts,

sort out our business,
buy a house and get married.

'You could get married
tomorrow morning.'

The business isn't in a situation
where we could do it at the moment.

God, bless her.

Well, you are only 15 questions
away from winning £1 million,

'so let's play...'
Just insane.

For £100...

For £1,000...

For £8,000...

Oh, uh... Humphrey Bogart's
cafe owner in Casablanca is...

Sam, isn't it? "Play it again, Sam."

No. Common misconception.

It's Rick.

Definitely, the cafe owner.

Rick.
When did you last see it?

I've never seen it, but, you know,

you learn things,
encyclopaedias, books.

Might be nice to actually watch
the films now and again.

Don't have the time.
Yeah, yeah, tricky.

'I'll go for Rick.
'Is the correct answer!

'You've just won £8,000!'

For £16,000,

which English county
has a border with only one other?

Devon,

Norfolk,

Cornwall,

Kent?

God, look, she's shaking.

Why?
Cos she wants to get married.

Phone my dad.
Your dad?

'Hello?'

Jack, uh... it's Chris Tarrant here.

'Hello.'
Hello, Jack.

We've got your daughter
live on the show.

She has £8,000.

That wedding's getting
a little bit closer,

but she's not quite there yet...

Move in closer.

Closer.

..so no pressure.
'I understand.'

The next voice you hear
will be Rachel's.

Rachel, talk to your dad.

Which English county
has a border with only one other?

Devon, Norfolk, Cornwall, or Kent?

I have no idea.

Oh, my God.

'I'm sorry, Rachel,
I can't help you on geography.

'Um... Give me again.'

Devon, Norfolk, Cornwall or Kent.

'Devon, Norfolk...'

Dad, help me.

'Take the eight grand, Rachel.'

I'll take the money.

Oh. Let's give her a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.

£8,000!

I mean, £8,000
is a very large amount of money.

That wedding just got
a little bit closer.

Oh, Dad!

Uh...

Just before you go,

uh... suppose you had answered,

what would your answer have been?

Cornwall.

Pfft!

Oh, Rachel.
It's not funny.

I'm sorry.
You would have won £16,000.

I'm sorry, but look,
what am I saying?

Oh, my goodness.

It works.

Oh, grow a pair, would you?

We've got a hit on our hands.

Ha-ha!

Well, if you want to be
in with a chance to play,

all you have to do
is call this number.

All right, Claudia. Hit me.

Hit you?
Kiss you, marry you, more like.

We got 9 million.

9 million viewers!

Nothing to say
you can't try more than once.

'Hello.'
Hello.

'Hello and welcome to Celador
and the Who Wants To Be...'

Hello and welcome
to tonight's edition of...

Paul Smith.
16 million.

Walking away with a cheque for
£8,000!

£64,000!

£125,000.
Oh, my God.

I'm going on!
I'm going on the show!

Oh, my gosh!
Bravo!

How many times did you have to call?

I don't know.

50, maybe? Anyway, and you can talk.

Anyway,

do you wanna be my guest?

194 calls I made to get here.

Arm and a leg it's costing me.

Well, that's nothing.
I did over 300.

You just need a system, that's all.

Not willy-nilly.

Did you know that they publish
the call volumes

on the website?
Website.

Yes. You know, a few of us fans

are starting to share
a little bit of intel.

You know, information
here and there.

If you're serious about this,
and you have to be serious.

I'm serious. Uh...

We're serious.

What?

I could give you the number
of someone who...

sort of...

helps quiz fans onto the show.

'Put these days of
the week into alphabetical order.'

Sunday, Wednesday, Monday, Thursday.

And the person who was fastest was

Maggie Pierce in four seconds!

Well done, my darling. Come on up!

And the winner is...

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

19 million.

19 million!

'That's one third
of the population, Paul.'

Thank you, Claudia.

Paul!

Reception just said
the Americans are here.

Jesus Christ, it's ABC,

which is Disney.

It's owned by Disney.

Basically, Mickey Mouse
is coming up the stairs.

Could you just...

a little cool.

Mr Smith.

No, he didn't. He actually knelt?

No, he did. He knelt on the floor.

We've just sold entertainment
to the Americans.

That is entertainment
to the Americans.

The Americans!

Hey-hey!

'The game show
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

'has now been sold to multiple
territories in the US.

'CEO Michael Eisner said,

' "Who knew that the fate of ABC

' "would be saved by
a little British game show?"

'It's helped the ABC network

'leap from fourth in the ratings war
in the United States to first.

'The millionaire show,

'which has attracted audiences
of 19 million in the UK,

'where it's presented
by Chris Tarrant...'

'Hello.'

Hello. Paddy Spooner?

Mr Spooner.

You weren't followed?
You came alone?

Alone? No, you didn't say to come
alone, I've brought my kids.

You what?

I've got my kids outside.

You've brought your bloody kids.

Do you know who I am?

You're Paddy Spooner.

You got in the chair three times,

even though the rules say you can
only sit in the hot seat once.

No, three different versions.

Three countries.

Australia, Ireland, UK.

They don't check.

There's a lot they don't check.

I've been working with some people.

An underground, sort of, community
has sprung up.

Fans of the show that have grown
into an unlikely resistance

in the quiet little villages
of England.

The perfect place
to plan our attack.

Um... Attack what?

The show, of course.

Breaking into the show.

In the world of quizzing,

the man who has the questions
may be king,

but the man who has all the answers

is God.

To the nearest metre,
how long is the Humber Bridge?

..is the Mississippi River?
..the Titanic?

Of the thousands of people
that call the hotline,

the show selects
a random 100 numbers

to call back with a question

that's all but impossible
to get exactly right.

How many months in total
did Queen Victoria reign for?

Months?

Oh, heck.

What the makers hadn't predicted was

that people would do
what they tend to do.

Hello, Paddy? It's Maggie.
'Talk to each other.'

The "closest to" question is...

The damn fools are using
the same "closest to" questions

in rotation time and again.

All you need is a network.

Or...

as we call ourselves,

The Syndicate.

So, first trick is,
when you get the call back,

pretend you're not who you are.

Pretend you're not in.

This gives us time to prepare.

Hi. I'm afraid Adrian Pollock

won't be in until later tonight.

Could you call back then?

They always say yes,

then you call me.
Hello, Paddy?

And I...

mobilise.

And if you know
of any other potential clients

that live too far away for me,

I can always dispatch
a separate Syndicate member

from one of my regional hubs.

How many months in total
did Queen Victoria reign for?

I'm going to say 780.

Once you're in the chair,

there's a final
highly bespoke service

that we offer

on your Phone A Friend.

There's a room..

..in London where we gather.

The finest pub quizzers in the land

secretly, silently, in solidarity.

Now, you give the producers

one of a dozen special numbers
we have around the country,

all diverted here,

to this one phone.

I want to phone a friend.

All right. Uh... Who you gonna call?

My cousin Geoffrey.

'Geoffrey? It's Chris Tarrant here
from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Yes?
'I've got your cousin Maggie here.

'I hope you're sat quiet and alone.

'The next voice you hear
will be Maggie's.

'Geoffrey, which chemical element
is named...'

All we ask is a modest 25%.

Ah.

Well, I...

I'm grateful for all the hints
and tips and things,

but I'm not sure whether
I would need such...

Well, your services.

I'm sure that when the time comes,

you will make the right call.

And the person who was fastest
was Owen Masters in 4.2 seconds.

'Put these vegetables in order of
size from smallest to biggest.

'Onion, Brussels sprout,
cabbage, pea.'

OK, let's see who got it right
in the fastest time.

It's Shelley Price in 3.1...

5.6. Not good enough.

Again.

'And the person who was fastest
was Gus Colley in 4.5 seconds.'

Yes!

Camera one.

Right. This is Adrian Pollock.
We've seen him before.

It's his fourth time
in the Fastest Finger seat.

Fourth? How? Wait, what?

Yeah, I know, something's up.
I thought everyone is chosen random.

And yet, there he is.

Well, a coincidence, then,
let's hope.

Yeah, but is it me, or have they
all started to look a bit...

the same?

All a bit white and well-to-do,

middle classy and Southerny and...

'Adrian Pollock from Wiltshire.'

..white.

We'll have to tell Chris, cos it'll
be weird if he doesn't mention it.

It's four times.

He won't be happy.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

'Half of ten, third of nine,
quarter of eight, fifth of five.'

Who's the fastest?
Adrian Pollock in 4.3 seconds.

Well, at least he can only
play the actual game once,

so we'll never have to
see him again.

You ready to play for £1 million?

Yeah.
Come on, then.

So, um... you won't believe this,

but this is actually Adrian's
fourth time in the studio,

but his first time in the chair.

You've been here more than I have.

Well, you know,

some people wanna jump out of planes
and I just...

This is what I want to do.

You're a strange, sad, little man.

For 64,000, in the US and Canada,

Labor Day is celebrated
in which month?

You've used your 50-50, you've
just got left May or September.

I will use my Phone A Friend.

All right. Who you gonna call?

Actually, um...

Actually, uh...

I was going to, um...

I'd quite like to call my dad.

Arthur.

We, uh... Well, quizzes are
a family thing, you know.

I bet it's him.
Oh, my God.

Must be in the chair. Oh, my God.

You ready?

Is Uncle Adrian
going to be a millionaire?

'Hello.'

Well, you have to be really clever
for that, so we'll see.

The most extraordinary thing
has happened.

You remember your son, Adrian?

Well, he's finally made it into the
chair, but he does need your help.

Now, the next voice you hear
will be Adrian's.

Adrian, you've got 30 seconds.

Go.

Hi, Dad. In the USA and Canada,

Labor Day is celebrated
in which month?

Is it May or September?

Um...

I think...

May.

'If I had to guess.'

How sure are you?

Ooh...

50%.

Thanks, Dad.

When's Labor Day in America?

September, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

What a shame.

It's 32 grand, it's great.

Thing is...

The thing is...

it doesn't quite cover the, uh...

debts that the business is running
at the moment and I, uh...

Debts? You...

You don't normally have debts,
why didn't you say?

Yeah, it's just this
dot-com bubble nonsense and...

I really thought I had a chance
in that chair, you know.

I mean, I invested a lot!

What are you talking about?

Holy mother of God.

Adrian, what the...

What is this?

Behold,

the game changer.

I made it. Fastest Finger First.

To practice on.

I don't know what to say.

Is this cheating?

Certainly feels like cheating.
No, it's giving an advantage.

To myself.

And now to you, Diana.

To carry on where I left off.

But why would she want
anything to do with it? Thank you.

Mr Pollock!

Adrian Pollock?

Yes?

When I saw you'd been on
four times, I thought, no.

That's not luck,
that's something else.

Yeah, but how did you find me?

Electoral register, simple enough.

Yeah, see, that...
that's a bit creepy.

Yeah. I have to get on.

I don't know how,
I don't know why, this...

..this impulse took over me,
but it's just in me.

I have to.

Please, please help me.

I heard tell amongst the...

the community
that you built a machine.

Yes. Well, my sister's got it,
she's going on the show too.

Your sister's going?
Yeah.

OK. Well...

Could you make another one?
I'd pay you.

People will pay you.

Let me have your number.

So, in the hot seat,
we have Diana Ingram here with...

I do believe I recognise
your guest here tonight,

it's your brother Adrian Pollock.

I thought we got rid of you.

But here you are.

Again. Back in the studio
for a fifth time.

Still think it's a coincidence?

Call the network.

Now.

Husband Charles, Major Charles,
couldn't be here.

He's at work.

Charles and Diana, eh?
Why does that sound familiar?

Like a fairy tale. Well, started as
a fairy tale, didn't end as one.

Yeah, if you could
fit us in tomorrow.

We just...

We do really think
we may have a problem now.

For £64,000...

Who wrote the nonsense poem
The Hunting Of The Snark?

GK Chesterton,

Hilaire Belloc,

Edward Lear,

Lewis Carroll?

Remember, you don't have to play,
you've got £32,000 and that's safe,

whatever, and you do have a 50-50.

Yeah, I'm going to play.
Edward Lear, final answer.

Final answer?
Yes.

You had £32,000,

you kept back one lifeline.

Desperately wanted
to beat your brother.

You've stayed at exactly
the same place.

Oh, it was Lewis Carroll. I'm sorry.

But you do go away
with a cheque for £32,000.

Not a bad day's work.

A lot of money. That's £32,000.

I mean, that's gonna be SO useful.

I mean, we could...
Gosh, we could...

I'm going to give Adrian some of it,

just to help with the business,
you know.

Quite a bit of it.

14 grand of it, actually.
Right.

Sorry.
Are you asking me or telling me?

Right.

Right. All right, yeah. Sure.

Yeah, give him 14 grand.

Hell, give him all of it. Why don't
you give him one of the children?

Give him one of the girls.
What's going on?

Congratulations, darling.
We're giving you to Uncle Adrian.

Go and pack your bags.
OK.

What was the line? "There's always
three of us in this marriage."

That's not fair. He's my brother,
what else am I meant to do?

Pff...

I suppose I should tell you

we're thinking of writing a book
about the show.

Just a little simple how-to

with all the hints and tips
and things we've learned,

so we can pass them on
to new contestants.

Just all that cheating stuff?
It isn't cheating.

Yes, but is it cheating?

I've asked Ruth Settle to join us,
she's our head of PR at Celador.

This is Nicola Howson, who's our
head of press, to do likewise,

because we can all agree that this
is a flipping nightmare. I'll say.

I saw it for the first time
in a while last night.

No offence. And OK, I'll say it.

It was effing boring.

No offence.

The contestants are all...

They all look and sound...

Yeah, well, they all talk
to one another as well.

It's like they know each other
and they're somehow...

helping each other.
Is that against the rules?

It's against
the spirit of the rules.

They're getting on
and they're getting bolder.

Now, we think it almost feels
like something's coming.

We could start to cast it.

Most shows cast the contestants
based on interviews and...

No, we swore that we'd never do
that, we'd keep it democratic...

You're saying
it's already been hacked,

that the network's most important
asset is under attack.

Well, this stops now.

Find out who's doing it,
how they're doing it,

and please,
stop them bloody doing it!

I have to go.

Disappear. Run away for a bit.
Well...

a while. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, no. Adrian, don't...

I just need to come up
with a way to...

to pay everyone back.

Well, what about my 14 grand?

I don't bloody believe it.

OK. OK. Now, apart from us,
who do you owe money to?

Uh...

It's people like Jill and Michael
from the Rotary Club.

There's John.
John?! The butcher?

Oh, for heaven's sake, I thought
you meant gangsters, Adrian,

people who'd break your thumbs,

not the butcher, the baker
and the candlestick...

Just send them a text!

Well, it's not your reputation,
is it?!

What about your responsibilities?
Your family?

They'll understand,
I'll call them from...

wherever I am. I'll explain.

Come on, Adrian,
it's really bad form.

Here's some of the people from
the community I've been talking to.

They're yours now.

Oh, God.

I can't...

What about our book?

Well, then, you finish it, Diana!
You don't need me, you never have.

You've always been the strongest.

I'm sorry.

It'll be OK.

He'll be OK.

You must go on.

Onto the show.

I've been on, Adrian has, it's...

it's your turn.

It's my turn, is it?

To join the family business.

I'd warned you, I...

These mad schemes!

I don't even like quizzes.

The way you've been moping about,
weeks after your turn came and went,

d'you know how dispiriting
that is, Diana,

to know that the only happiness
you get is from a bloody game show?

That isn't fair, that is...
It just isn't true.

It couldn't be further...

And everyone has hobbies, Charles.
Pfft!

And I didn't want to bring this up,

but...

Let the machine get it.
Well, we have,

as a family, rather...

followed you around
wherever you went.

Happily, I might add, willingly.

But now we, now I need you.

'..Charles Ingram. I'm calling you
from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

'We're delighted to let you know

'that you've been selected
by our computer

'to take part in our qualifying
round of "closest to" questions.

'Give us a call back
on 0909 8790 555.'

I may have already started calling
and leaving your name.

What happens next is easy to dismiss
as simply exciting television.

High drama.

A bit of harmless fun
that got out of hand.

But ignore the lights,
ignore the sound.

Unbelievable!

This is theft.

Plain and simple.

An attempt to steal £1 million.

We have all the evidence
and all of the testimonies.

But as we go through
quite how they did it,

beat by impossible beat,

oh, you'll be shocked, yes,

perhaps even impressed a little...

..but you will be left in no doubt

that they are guilty of a crime.

A crime that carries with it

time in prison.

All right?

All right?

Right, Major Charles Ingram,

are you ready to play...

They all work. All four of them.

OK, good. Good to test them.

How is he? Charles? Is he ready?
Erm...

'Emmerdale. Hollyoaks.

'EastEnders. Coronation Street.'

Emmerdale?

'D, Coronation Street.'

'Coronation Street is
the right answer, well done.'

Oh, bum.
Yeah, no, he's, erm...

He's going to need
all the help he can get.

This way, please.

So this is just a little practice,

before we send you off
to the canteen

for a bite to eat, OK?

Oh, and to warn, we're starting with

a rollover contestant
from yesterday.

So you won't be called upon

until probably
quite a way into the show,

just to, like, manage
your expectations and everything.

Right!

Just a rehearsal!

Fingers on buttons.

Put these Disney films
in order of their release.

A, Little Mermaid.

B, Snow White.

C, Aladdin.

D, Dumbo.

OK, pretty straightforward,

Let's look who was fastest.

Janet! On 6.52 seconds, well done.

And, Charles?
Yeah.

I'm afraid you were last.
Oh, well. It's just nice to be here.

Yeah. Only rehearsal.
Yeah, OK.

OK. Over to you, Rebecca.
Fantastic.

OK, folks, if you'd
like to follow me, please.

He's the husband
of the sister of the brother

who were all here, so...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But seriously, honestly,
I wouldn't worry,

he's like
Tim-Nice-But-Dim army type,

I doubt he'll even get in the chair.

Terrible in rehearsal
and, so, yeah.

Oh, and his wife did request
an extra ticket, though.

Audience is full, but I could
put them in the overspill?

Fine, wherever.

Don't be so on edge.

I'm gonna be the one in the chair,
hopefully.

I wish you were more on edge,

so I'd know you knew how
nerve-wracking it is out there.

Well, at least we're
getting to spend more time together.

All right.
Of course, yeah.

Right, place these words
of an Agatha Christie novel

in the right order.

Nile, On, Death, The!

And it was, of course,
Death On The Nile.

And who gets to
sit in the chair next?

It's... Charles Ingram!

Well done, Charles.

Are you ready to play
for a million pounds?

Is the Pope a Catholic?
And... hold there!

What did I...?
Oh, don't worry, no, no, no.

It's a lot less continuous
and magic than it is on tele.

Erm, lots of stops and starts.
We're gonna mic your guest up now

and put them
in their seat in the audience.

Who have you brought?
Uh, my wife.

You've met actually,
she played before. Oh, really?

Yes.
Oh, yes!

Hello... again.

OK, folks, here we go. And...

OK, let's play
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Erm, so, we've seen quite
a lot of the Major's family

on this show, Charles...

First off was his wife,
Diana, who won 32 grand.

Erm, then brother-in-law Adrian,
who won 32 grand, as well.

So it's a matter of
family honour, Charles.

No pressure, then!
No. No. No, no pressure.

What, are you trying to win
a million between you?

First question of 15.

"What name is given to a person

"who is against increasing
the powers of the European Union?"

Eurosceptic. Eurostar.

Eurotrash. Eurovision.

It's, erm...
It's Eurosceptic, Chris, yeah.

That's correct.

So for £2,000.

Coronation Street...

I bet you know this one.
Oh, no, I've never watched it.

Charles, it's been on for 40 years!

I know, I know, I just...

In Coronation Street,
who is Audrey's daughter?

Janice, Gail, Linda, Sally.

Erm, no, it's nothing...

It's nothing, erm...

I'm not getting anything.

Erm, no, it's...

Oh, sorry, sir,

you can't be out here
on the phone, I'm afraid.

Yeah, no, sorry, I'm...

I know, I know, sorry,
I just need to, erm...

Sir, if you don't mind?
Yeah, of course.

Sorry. I was just trying to
get in touch...

'OK, no, I... Yeah.

'I'll have to ask the audience,
Chris.'

Cut to Chris.
'OK, audience.'

She's right. He's an idiot.

'Fingers on keypads.'

Which still begs the question
how he got in the goddamn chair,

but hey-ho,
and all the fun of the fair.

OK!
And 89% say Gail.

Well. Gosh, yeah, OK...
Well, I'll go for B, go for Gail.

Oh, "Where is the River Foyle"?

Erm... Erm...

I think I'm gonna have to, erm...

Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm gonna have to...
phone a friend..

It's all right, that's what
the lifelines are there for.

OK, who are we gonna call, Major?

Erm, Gerald.
OK, let's call Gerald, please.

Where's Gerald?
Erm, South Wales.

Mr Pollock, I mean it now,
we'll have to confiscate your phone.

Yeah, all right. OK. OK. Yep, sorry.

This way, sir.
Keep an eye on him.

Is the right answer.
And that takes you to £4,000!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Charles, we're gonna have to
drag you back tomorrow,

along with ten new
Fastest Finger First contestants.

Jacob Nixon from Frome!

Charlotte Edmonds from Edinburgh.

Helen McGrath form Broadstairs.

Sorry, darling.

Bloody Coronation Street.

It's OK, we just need to
strategise for tomorrow.

We need to regroup.

Well, I can't be back tomorrow,

I mean, I shouldn't really
be here today, so...

Knock-knock, sorry to interrupt.

Just giving you your hotel details.

Oh, no, I'm really sorry,
but I actually think

we have to get back home tonight.

Back home? Yeah, I've got...
I've got work in the morning.

But you're our rollover contestant.
You're back in the chair tomorrow.

I know, I know,
but we didn't necessarily think

that we would rollover, did we?
No. No.

Well, can't you call in sick?
It's the British Army.

No, you can't call in sick.
I know, but, like...

..there's no war on, is there?

I mean, I'm joking,
but I'm not really.

We have to have you back here.

We will be back.
I promise, I promise.

But work takes precedence,
I'm so sorry.

Charles, car, five minutes.
Yeah.

Hello, Tecwen speaking.

Ah, yes, Tecwen. Hi.
It's, erm, Diana Ingram here.

Erm, Adrian's sister.
Oh. Hello, yes. Diana. Yes.

Oh, my God, fortuitous timing.
You'll never guess what.

Oh, I-I think I can, actually,

you're going to be on the show
tomorrow, I've just heard,

erm, weirdly, I'm here...
at the studio.

Charles, my husband, he's here,

he's going to be
in the chair tomorrow,

for when you're in
the Fastest Finger seats.

Oh, my. What a coincidence.
I know. I know.

So, erm, I just thought
I'd call for a quick chat.

All right?

We're welcoming back Charles,

Major Charles Ingram,
into the chair.

"Morning, Major!"
"Morning, Fawlty!"

So do you have a strategy,
then, Major?

Well, erm... Well, yeah, I do.
I do have a strategy, actually.

I, erm... I was a bit defensive
on the last show,

erm, you know,
talking myself out of answers

that I... frankly,
I should have known and do know

and, erm... So, yeah...
So I'm... I'm...

Yeah, I'm, sort of,
going on the counterattack.

We're going on a counterattack.

Yeah, and basically I'm...

I'm just gonna try and show
a bit more self-commitment.

Well, erm, let's put this strategy
to the test.

Right, Major Charles Ingram,
are you ready to play?

This, for £8,000.

Who was the second husband
of Jacqueline Kennedy?

Adnan Khashoggi.

Ronald Reagan.

Aristotle Onassis.

Rupert Murdoch.

All right, we're not expecting
this guy to be in long,

he's two lifelines down,

so make sure we're prepped
for the next.

Roger, roger.

I would have thought...

I would have thought it would be
Aristotle Onassis.

Erm...

Yeah, one...
One of my sub-strategies is...

Oh, my,
we've got sub-strategies now?!

Yeah, yeah,
and sub-sub-strategies.

But one of my sub-strategies
is to take my time

and, erm, list all the...
all the options.

So...

Adnan Kashoggi.

Ronald Reagan.

And Rupert Murdoch.

Aristotle Onassis.

Yeah, yeah, I think...

I'm pretty sure
it's, erm, Aristotle Onassis.

Final answer?

Final answer, yeah.

You didn't have to play.

Well, this new
self-committed Charles

is a wild and crazy man.
That's the correct answer!

OK, so you've got £16,000.

Now for the all-important 32,000.

Who had a hit UK album
with Born To Do It,

released in 2000?

Coldplay.

Toploader.

Craig David.

Coldplay.

Toploader.

Craig David.

OK, well, erm...

All right?
Yeah.

That major from last night
is nearly up to 32 grand, amazingly.

'I think it's A1.'

He's like a new man today.

'But it could be Toploader.'

Which is also something to do with
a barrel on a rifle.

So... Erm, I've never heard
of Craig David.

Erm...

Erm, I...
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...

I think I'm gonna have to use
my final lifeline, 50:50.

Computer, take away
two wrong answers,

leave Charles with the right answer
and one remaining wrong answer.

Oh, that's not any easier...
Erm... Urgh.

Do you know what?

I think I'm gonna go for it,
I think I'm gonna go for A1.

Final answer?

No.

No. Erm...

Craig David...

Craig... David.

You know, when... When I'm at home,
erm, and I'm practising,

you know, I guess... I guess...

Well, I guess wrong 80% of the time,

so I think I'm gonna
go with Craig David.

Charles, you'd never heard of him
a moment ago?!

No, Craig David. I'm gonna...

Final answer?
Yeah, final answer.

Well, erm, what a show
this is turning into.

Major Charles Ingram was on £16,000.

He didn't have to play
this question.

He said in his own words that
he'd never heard of Craig David.

He went with A1.

And then, because...

Well, I'd rather lost
the plot of his thinking then,

but he changed his mind,

knowing that he would lose £15,000
if he gave the wrong answer.

He went with Craig David,
who he'd never heard of.

Yep.

And that's the right answer!

Unbelievable.

I don't know how you do that!
I really don't!

Incredible.

Yes?
Paul. It's David.

It's happening,
I think the thing is happening.

The rollover contestant
from last night,

I think he's cheating.

He...? What, in getting on the show?

No, cheating on the show,

cheating at the actual...
the actual game.

Is the correct answer.

How do you...?
You can't cheat the show,

either you know the answer,
or you don't.

Look something isn't right. He's...

Normal people don't play like this.

All right, I'm... I'm coming down.

Yeah, I mean, it's a down payment
on a house, isn't it? So...

So, yeah. Yeah. Holbein.

Holbein.

Final answer?

Final answer.

OK. Erm, first of all,
you thought it was Rembrandt.

Said you'd seen the painting.

You then thought it was Holbein.

You've just won £125,000!

Incredible.

Incredible.
You're just getting better!

OK, something's weird.

How is he doing this?
Yeah, I have no idea.

I mean, you were struggling more
at £200 than you are now.

I-I dunno!
Unbelievable.

Well, Charles, here it is.

A cheque, for a quarter of a...
It sounds strange doesn't it,

..a quarter of a million pounds.
Gosh, you're shaking.

I know, I know, I don't...

I know that, frankly,
you didn't think you'd be able to

equal your wife.
And, frankly, Charles, nor did I.

Well, this is real money.

£250,000.

But we don't want to give you that!

This question...

for half a million pounds.

Baron Haussmann is best known
for the planning of which city?

Rome.

Paris.

Berlin.

Athens.

Think it's Berlin.

God!

Yeah, Berlin.

I mean, Haussmann...

You know, seems...
Seems like a German name,

rather than a Italian name,

or a Parisian name,
or an Athens name.

Erm...

Rome.

Paris.

Yeah. Do you know,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna rethink it.

Because I don't...
I don't think it's Athens

and I'm pretty sure it's not Rome.

And I would have thought...

I would have thought it was, erm...

Berlin, but there's a chance
it could be Paris.

Oh, God, no.

You stand to lose £218,000.

Yeah, I think...
I-I think it's Paris.

I'm gonna play.

Right, hang on.
Now, wait, where are we?!

No, Paris.

Paris, final answer.

Final answer?
Final answer.

You thought it was Berlin.

"Berlin, Berlin, Berlin".

You changed your mind to Paris...

That's brought you £500,000!
Yes! Yes!

That's unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Incredible.
Oh, shit, the glitter.

Never thought we'd get to
the million-pound question,

but we're at the
million-pound question,

I never prepared the bloody glitter.
Where's the glitter man?

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah
It's raining men, amen

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah... ♪

♪ Ame-e-e-e-en. ♪

Well, erm...

It's not often I get to say this.
But...

for £1 million:

The number one,

followed by 100 zeros

is known by what name?

Googol.

Megatron.

Gigabit.

Nanomole.

Well, let's see.

Erm, Giga...

Nano...

Oh, God, don't start.

Right, OK.

God, I don't... I don't, erm...

Well?
Watch, just watch...

I'm not sure.

However...

Charles, you haven't been sure
since question two!

God, I... I think...
I think it's a Megatron.

I have to say, I've...

And I've never heard,

I haven't...
No, I've never heard of a googol.

Do you know the answer?
Yes, it's googol.

That's what I thought.

Googol.

Googol.

Yeah, I mean, you know,
by process of elimination,

I actually think it is a googol.
But I don't know what a googol is.

It's not a gigabit,
a nanomole, or a Megatron

and there's only four of them,
so it must be googol, mustn't it?

I mean...

I mean, I don't mind taking
the odd risk now and again.

My strategy has...
has worked so far.

Chris, I'm gonna play.

You know, you don't have to
play this, Charles.

No-one would blame you
if you walked away right now,

with half a million pounds.

Googol.

Final answer?

Final answer.

Catch me when I fall on the floor.

Don't go to a break.

Please, don't go to...
Please, don't go for a break.

We're taking a break.
Oh, God!

Don't go anywhere, I know you won't,

on what is an epic night
in British television.

Oh, my God.

We should stop it now.
Just stop it.

We can't stop it, we have no proof.
We just, I don't know, just...

We have to carry on.

You all right?
Erm, yeah, I just, erm...

I mean, no, not really.

No!

So you can see, can you, if I've got
the answer right on your screen?

I can.

I'm sure it'll just be
a few seconds.

Thank you.

OK, studio, and...

Welcome back.

Wow. Erm, we are here
with Charles Ingram.

Who, after first thinking
it was Megatron,

erm, then played googol
as his final answer.

Even though he'd never heard of it.

Charles?

You've just won £1 million!

One million!

You are the most amazing player
we have ever, ever had!

Diana? Come on down,
my darling, come on.

One million!

£1 million!

I can't believe it.

The best player we have ever had!

What a man!

Quite an amazing man.

I have no idea how you did it.

I don't know.
Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Unbelievable, Diana, my darling,
come here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Charles Ingram.

♪ Right from
Her doorway we roam... ♪

♪ Eats and then
It's a pleasure again

♪ Walkin' my baby... ♪

"Charles Ingram. One million."

♪ I don't mean maybe

♪ Walkin' my baby

♪ Back home. ♪

What? What am I listening for?

Just wait. It, erm...

I don't know, I don't know,
just... play VT.

'Googol.'

That, there. Right there.

A cough.
So what?

There's always coughing.

I think... I don't definitely know,

but I think there's,
like, a pattern.

Of what, coughing? From who?

Look, there's gotta
be something, Paul.

Watch last night's tape,
he's useless.

And then, what,
he comes back an utter genius?

Replay VT.

'Googol.'

Turn it up.

'Googol.'

Then he changes his answer.

'By process of elimination,
I actually think it is a googol.

'But I just don't know
what a googol is.'

Hi, Paul?

'Um, hi, Ruth.'

Erm, we've had another millionaire.

Oh. OK, great!

Except...

I think that...
Erm, WE think something's not right.

We think the guy may have cheated.

Hello?

What the shitting hell?

Cheeky bastards, who are they?

Are they one of that group

you talked about
getting on the show? Morning.

We don't know,
we just know he's a wrong'un.

Are you OK?

No, I'm not OK,
of course, I'm not OK.

Sorry, sorry,
it's murder on the old...

This is Lionel, from legal.
Coffee? How do you take it?

Oh, just, erm, massive.

Look, before anything else,

the most urgent thing is
whether to air tomorrow's episode,

because if we don't,
then ten million people

are gonna need
something else to watch.

I have a tape on its way,
you can see for yourself.

Well, what about the police?
The police?

Yeah.
Is...? Is this a police...?

Well, it's not... not.
It's theft. It's £1 million.

If this was a bank vault
or a diamond store in Hatton Gardens

there'd be helicopters by now,
roadblocks.

Come in...
Ah, right, see for yourself.

All I'm saying is, is it a crime
to cheat on a game show?

Well, it's... It's... Well...
Stop saying "well", Lionel.

I'm from legal.
It's my job to say "well".

See for yourselves.
'Do you know what?

'I think I am going to go for it.
I'm gonna go for A1.'

'Final answer?
No.'

'No. Erm... A1.

'Craig... David.'

Oh, Jesus, Je-sus.

It's so obvious.

And don't forget that his wife
has already been on the show.

She knows the ins and outs.

'I normally guess wrong
80% of the time...'

Watch now. He changes his answer.

'I think I'm going to
go with Craig David.'

OK, I say we don't air.
Agreed.

We can edit forward to
the next contestant in the chair.

Would you fast forward, please?

Can we do that, is it that simple?

Oh, arse, the glitter on the floor.

Well, if no-one has won,

where did the glitter
just come from? No-one will notice.

Or care.

This is Tecwen Whittock,
from Whitchurch, Cardiff.

Can you stretch out his turn,
make him longer?

It'll be a struggle.

He was erm, nothing special,
you know.

Did you order something?
No.

Oh.
Hello, hello, David Briggs.

Ah, yes, hello, hello.
Hello, this is Ruth Settle.

Hi. Hi, hello. Morning, morning.
Oh, hello.

Oh, hi.
Sleep OK?

If at all, you must be...

Erm... Oh, what's this about?
Oh, it's only to, erm...

It's just to work out
the next few days.

The angle, the coverage.

So your press conference,

we thought, because of question 12
for 125,000,

The Ambassadors is a painting
by which artist?

The... What, the Holbein?
The Holbein. Well done, correct!

We are thinking of hosting it there,
in front of the painting. Ah, right.

But you...

You did keep changing your mind
a lot, didn't you?

Well, actually, that was to
explain my thinking to the audience,

so I wasn't just, you know,
sat there like a muppet.

It's, erm, probably just that,
don't you think?

What's "probably" what?

Actually, erm, Diana mentions
all these tips in her book

that she's writing with her brother
about the show.

What? It'll help publicise it,
won't it? Being a winner.

You're writing a book?
Oh, just a little stocking filler.

With hints and things
about how to get onto the show,

how to play, just a few things
that we've picked up

from this community of fans,
that's all.

Gosh, that...
That sound really helpful.

I wouldn't mention that
to the press yet. No.

We'll... We'll have an embargo
until the show airs.

We have to handle everything...
delicately.

Guilty as sin.

Bollocks. Look,
they are quiz obsessive, they're...

They are fans of the show,
so they're a bit much,

but apart from that.

Watch the tape. Play her the tape.

Oh, and she's, erm,
writing a book, the wife,

like, erm, an expose of the show.
She what?!

Oh, my God... It's just a tiny,
little stocking filler.

Look, I just come off the phone
from some of our guys at the studio

who are investigating all possible,
you know, and...

And they have gone into the car park
with some sort of radio receiver

and they're saying it's possible

to listen in to the show relay
from outside?

David, do we not
scramble that signal?

Why would we scramble the signal?

How do you scramble a signal?
What's this now? The relay?

I'm just saying that
hypothetically, someone,

maybe someone from this...
this... this group

could listen in to the show
from outside.

And how would that help them?
To hear the questions!

Look up the answers
and communicate back in.

To who? The person in the chair?!
Maybe! I don't know!

Or someone in the audience,
with a mobile phone.

We don't allow mobile phones
in the studio.

Yeah, but do we check?
Course we check.

Do we check?

No. Course we don't check,
how would we check?

You don't search the audience?

Let's get it all out now, shall we?
After the horse has bolted.

This is all just happening
this morning.

Right, it's a game show!
It's not Fort Knox!

Whoa, wait, are we saying that
it's not someone coughing, then?

It could be the coughing.
It's definitely the coughing.

Either way, I'm calling the police.

Who would you even call?
Like, which, like, branch?

I'll text my person
to look up for IP.

Hold on, have they have even
cashed the cheque yet?

Wait, have...?
Have we cancelled the cheque?

I don't know. I mean...

I mean, no, we haven't
cancelled the cheque,

I've been at the...
Lionel. Should we cancel the cheque?

I'm just thinking, we might need
to wait for them to cash the cheque

for it to be stealing.
No, no, no, if we do that,

that would be entrapment,
surely, by us?

Yeah, but if they cash the cheque,

do we have to sue them
to get it back?

Am I cancelling the cheque,
or aren't I?! Well...

No, I just don't see it.
Don't you hear it?! The coughing.

Is that how loud it actually was?
Yes.

Well... No, we've isolated them
a bit, for you to hear...

Listen, you can hear the coughs
at the right answers.

Yeah, and I can hear the coughs
on the wrong answers!

Here. These are the people
at Scotland Yard to call,

it's something called the
Celebrity Crimes Squad or something,

I don't know. Really?
Sounds like a shit detective show.

Yeah, sounds like
something we'd make. Wow.

Wait, I'm confused,
what are we saying to them?

That this is... There's more people?

That this is part
of a bigger... conspiracy?

All I'm saying is we don't know

how many people
were outside helping,

inside, helping him.

Yeah, but you can't pack the place
out with people that you know.

You only get the one ticket.

Actually...

Actually, on the first night,

the Ingram's did have
someone else there.

Diana's brother.

The brother... was there...?

Yeah.
God dammit!

I'm calling the police.

'What a man!'

'A major disaster is occurring
in New York City this afternoon.'

Wait a sec...

what is that?

'World Trade Centre is on fire.

'Early indications are
that a Boeing 747 out of Boston

'collided with the tower at 1:46 PM
this afternoon, 8:46 AM CET.'

Is that live?
It must be..

'Eye witness reports are coming in
that the plane banked sharply

'and made a direct hit at around
the 80th floor of the building.

'More as we have it.
Thank you, Nicholas.

'As you can imagine, there is chaos
in the streets of downtown New York.

'All major buildings are being
evacuated in the area

'surrounding the World Trade Centre.

'There's been a second collision,
possibly another plane goes...'

Are you OK? Just awful.

Yeah. Puts it all in perspective,
doesn't it?

I haven't even told the chaps about
our win yet, all seems a bit...

Actually there was a message
for you from Celador

when I got back from school.
I don't know if you... Right.

OK, well, life goes on, eh?

Yeah.

I love you.
I love you.

Give me that number.

Detective Sergeant Sam Ferguson
from the Special Inquiry Unit,

this is my colleague,
Detective Constable Amir Cave.

You rang.

Well, I don't think any of us
expected you to come today,

given the, erm...
Yeah.

Terrible thing. But...

crimes still need solving.

So, we've been brought up
to speed by Mr...

Oh, excuse me. This'll be him.

Hello, Paul Smith?
Paul, hello.

It's Charles Ingram here,
I was just on your show.

Charles, thank you for calling back.

Erm, so I have to tell you...

that we have suspicions from viewing
the recording of Monday's programme

and subsequently studying
the tapes carefully,

that there were irregularities
during the taping of the show

in which you participated.
Oh, Good Lord, no.

Because of that I have to tell
you that these suspicions...

..have been referred to the police.

Right. And thus we will not,
for the moment,

be airing the programme, or indeed
authorising payment of the cheque.

Right.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know...

..I completely refute that,
obviously.

All right.

Good Lord.

Well, goodbye.
Goodbye.

Police? You're an army major.
I'm a teaching assistant.

People like us don't deal with
the police, this is Wiltshire.

It's what he said.

I sort of... told our book publisher
about your win

and they've set up this
photo and interview thing

for this Sunday. I know
the Millionaire people said not to,

but the publishers
said it was too good not to.

For the book... Well, there won't
be a book, will there, if...?

I bet it wasn't the publishers
who said that, I bet it was Adrian.

I bet you've been speaking to him.
Have you spoken to Adrian again?

How? If he's on the run? On the run!

As if that's a normal sentence
for a normal person to say!

I'm a commissioned officer in the
British Army. There are standards.

Come along, Buffy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How do we know that it was Celador?

That it was Paul Smith you spoke to?

It was, I returned his call,
on the number they left you...

Yes, I know,
but how do we know it's not a hoax.

Someone in the community,
taking the mickey.

What...? Maybe that's what they do
to everyone, everyone who wins.

It's not a mickey-take, Diana.

Well, it's a bit over the top,
isn't it?

Call it back again, that number.
No. I'm not gonna call it.

I want to hear it.
No, I'm not gonna call it back.

Then I'll do it.
Diana!

Hello. Erm, this is... Diana Ingram.

Hello. Hi, erm, yes,
we received a phone call

from this number earlier
and, well, it occurred to us

that we didn't know
whether it was real, or not.

No, erm, no.

No, I'm afraid it was real.

This... This is Paul Smith.

Yes, but how do we know?

It could be a wind-up. Or the press.

Erm...

Well...

Erm... O-OK.

Erm, why don't you call back again

and I won't answer this time,

it'll take you through to my
extension answering machine message.

And you'll hear that this is me,
and... and this is Celador.

And that... that this is no wind-up,
Mrs Ingram.

OK.

'Hello, you've reached
Paul Smith at Celador.

'Leave a message and I'll get
back to you when I can, thanks.'

We're doing that press interview.

You won that money. It's yours.
So let's tell people.

We'll need to make a statement.
They're cheats!

I just can't get my head round it.

That terribly nice major,
a criminal mastermind? Bollocks.

You really didn't notice anything?

Well I-I suppose
you've a lot going on.

Yeah, but I'd hope
that I'd have done this enough

to notice if someone
is trying to steal a million quid

two feet in front of me, Paul.

You all right?

You look ragged.

I feel upset, actually.

This... Well, this is our thing,
it's our baby.

No-one will dare try
anything like this again

after all this, don't you worry.

Who the hell was coughing?

So what I'm gonna show you
is what we've edited together

of the show so far
from the different angles.

Play VT.

'Googol.'

That cough there, then.

Can you ascertain
where it came from?

Not the individual, no,

we don't mic up
every audience member.

But we've got different mic tracks

covering different areas
of the studio.

Now that particular cough.

That came from
the Fastest Finger mic, stage right.

Play tape C.

One of these five, sat here.

I'm Detective Sergeant Ferguson.

Here's a warrant
to enter your property.

I should tell you,
we're placing you both under arrest

on suspicion
of procuring the execution

of a valuable security by deception.

You do not have to say anything...

'What you've been told so far
in the case for the prosecution...'

seems to make total sense,
doesn't it?

A man, who didn't particularly
like quizzes, arrived on the show,

behaved strangely and won a million.

So something must be wrong.
He must have cheated. Right?

Your Fastest Finger First machine?
You're not serious.

Uh, it's in the garage.

We'll also be wanting a draft copy
of your book, Mrs Ingram.

My book?
I-I-I... It... It's not finished.

I haven't even spell-checked it yet.

And what about our children?

A specially-trained officer
can stay with them,

while you both are...
No. No.

You are under arrest, Mrs Ingram.

But what if I were to tell you
that it's all utter nonsense?

That the three defendants

who allegedly concocted
this elaborate conspiracy

had never even met?

Something that the prosecution
does not dispute.

That the so-called
significant coughs

are only 19 out of a 192 recorded
throughout the night?

Sometimes on the right answers,
sometimes on the wrong answers.

And that there is no way
of knowing that any of them

even came from Mr Whittock?

Could it simply be

that everyone on the show
was waiting for an attack?

For something strange to happen?

And in walks Charles Ingram.

A, yes, eccentric, but actually
quite intelligent army major...

and his fate was set.

I put it to you,
that this is, in fact,

a series of horrible coincidences.

And that Major Charles Ingram
is completely innocent.

Your honour,
here is the case for the defence.

Hello.

Oh!

Hello.

Hi, I'm here to take the test.

You want to take the Mensa test?
Yes.

You?

Me, yes. Anyone can, can't they?

£40, please.

To be accepted into Mensa,

you have to qualify in the top
two percentile of IQ in the country.

Starts in five minutes.

Fill in this form
and head through there.

After the Major's performance
that second night,

you told police
you heard the Ingrams arguing.

Yes. I remember it very clearly.

After all, it was so, like, odd.

I mean, you'd be happy,
wouldn't you,

if you'd just become millionaires?

No, I'm sorry, but it's just
so obvious, the signals!

We'll talk later!
Well, that's what I heard.

I reckon, I know you haven't asked,

but I reckon the plan was for him
to stop a few questions earlier.

So there wouldn't be so much, um,
attention.

But he couldn't help himself.

And she might have been
annoyed at him.

Because... well, look where we are.

The memory's a funny thing,
isn't it?

An incredible feat of engineering.

It sits inside
the medial temporal lobe.

And its most impressive function
is its filing system.

It's better than anything
a super computer could do.

Another of my favourite facts,

given that that's what this trial
is all about,

right answers, wrong answers.

Knowledge.

Truth is that
when we're remembering something...

..we're not actually
recalling the original event.

What we're doing is remembering
the last time we remembered it.

So we are constantly
wiping our pasts

and editing together a new one.

One that can make sense to us now,
in the present.

All memories are therefore,
by definition...

..a lie. They change.
We change them.

Which isn't a crime, a conspiracy.
Just...

..human nature.

We can project guilt, say,

back onto an event that was in fact
perfectly innocent.

I'm sorry, but it's really bad.
The signal's, um...

We'll talk later!

I am asking you all
to try and resist

a more entertaining falsehood

in favour of
a less extraordinary truth.

That Major Ingram simply knew
the answers to those questions.

And that's why he got them right.

OK, let's go.

Diana?

We should tell you, we have taken in
two other parties for questioning.

Your brother, Mrs Ingram,

and another contestant
in the studio.

Another conte...? Why? Who?

Here's a transcript of your
appearance, provided by Celador.

It shows, quite clearly,
moments where a cough can be heard,

and then you, Charles,
choosing a different answer.

Why did you
change your mind so often?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm ju...

I'm just sort of hovering above
all this looking down,

seeing how absurd it all is.
It's a game show.

This isn't a laughing matter,
Major Ingram, it's a million pounds.

Your change of answer?
Have you ever seen the show?

That's what makes the show, that's
what the audience want to watch,

that's what the producers want.
It's the... the, um...

the... the... the...
Tension.

..drama. The tension. Exactly.
Mrs Ingram.

The book you're writing with Adrian
details ways of,

at the very least, bending the rules
or in some cases circumventing...

Improving your chances, that's all.

I have to say,
and please don't take offence,

it wasn't the most gripping
read of my life.

Well, it's not for people who...

Do you know,
I do take some offence, actually.

Presumably you've benefitted
from this manual, Charles?

I haven't, I haven't read...

I haven't actually
got through it yet.

Do you know who Tecwen Whittock is?

No.

You have no idea
your wife telephoned this man

on several occasions,
including the night before

and the morning of your
second appearance on the show,

at which he was also present?
He's just a man, a fan of the show.

Who just happened to be
a Fastest Finger First contestant

on the same show?

A show where coughing was heard

on occasions that correlate
with moments that you, Charles,

changed your mind?

How long has this
relationship with...

It's not a relationship! It was...

..contact with someone who under...

Who was just a fan of the show.

And I know you might think
that's stupid or boring or silly,

but I don't care.
It's not bloody illegal, is it?

We just...

We just liked something
a lot for a bit. That's all.

Oh, my God.

Can you park as close as you can,
please?

Diana.

Were you cheating?
Did you cheat?

Diana? Di...

Can you step away
from the house, please?

I'm not... I'm not sure where
the law is on this, but I don't...

Cheat! Cheat!

Get away from the house, please.

How they even got here,
I mean, who told them?

It's a nightmare.
This is a nightmare, isn't it?

I mean, they... They actually think
we did it, don't they?

They're looking at all the pieces
and putting them together like a...

You know, like that man that you...
you called, right?

On your phone. Oh, my God,
on the night of the show!

I mean, they have that on record.

I don't "know him" know him,
Charles.

What they were suggesting, implying.

I've never spent any
actual time with him. Adrian did.

Oh, Adrian! Of course!
It's Adrian, always!

You follow the smoke
and you follow the sound of screams

and there he is, and there you are,
in your little... little...

What? What?
..family thing.

And I didn't even want to
go on the bloody show!

I just got... sucked into it.

Why didn't you tell me you were...
having conversations with him?

I thought you were chatting
with him. I thought it was just...

It was just a phone call. They don't
know what we were talking about.

It could have been anything.

All right, let's try this, OK?
I'm the prosecuting lawyer, right?

And I'm asking you,
"Mrs Ingram, this man,

"who your husband had
barely any idea

"of the extent of the contact
you had with him,

"what did you speak about
that night?"

I'd just say that we were
both in groups of fans,

and he was on the show the next day,
so why wouldn't I call him?

Because it's about perception,
Diana.

It's about how it looks.
And how does it look?

What are you saying,
and why are you saying it like that?

Because I'm angry! I'm angry!

And not saying it, it's the
bloody policeman who's saying it.

Saying it right...

Saying it right in front of me.

And in front of the other...

..in front of the other policeman.
My...

That my wife...

I mean, have you...
Do you have any idea how that feels?

What they were
implying and suggesting?

Are you asking me if I..?

Yeah, why not?
I mean, you love questions.

Well, there are some things...

There are some questions
you should just know the answer to.

Major Ingram, Mrs Ingram.
Oh... How did you guess?

Oh, I don't need to guess,
your faces are in all the papers.

Come in. Come in.

Now, do you want a tea, coffee?
Vodka?

I was kidding.

Unless of course you do,
in which case, I wouldn't judge.

Um, you were recommended to us
by Philip Jones in Reading.

But we... we never thought
a high-profile barrister

would touch our case with a barge
pole, because... Well, given that...

Oh, given that your trial's
already begun in the papers.

Yeah.
And the press.

Yes, well, if I represent you,

we're gonna have to fight this
sort of thing every step of the way.

It's new state of play.
What's the new state of play?

Justice as entertainment.

How the police
communicate with the press.

How the press
communicate with the police.

I don't suppose you think
it was a coincidence

that reporters were there
only minutes after you were charged?

Following your, er,
did I get this right?

The "dawn raid" on your property?

It's a form of arrest

that's normally associated
with murderers and paedophiles.

The narrative of your guilt
is already being written

by forces far beyond your control.

Now, I would be happy
to represent you if you want,

because,
and forgive the presumption,

I have already started looking
into your case in some detail and...

..Major Ingram, Mrs Ingram...

I think something here
really stinks.

Secrets To Help You Win
At Millionaire, by Diana Ingram.

The things we missed.
We pull on this one tiny thread

and what unravels
is a whole bloody world of...

God, we were stupid.
Not stupid, trusting. That's all.

Liddiment says he never wants to see
another "effing middle-class wanker"

on the show ever again.

What are they doing?

Parents verses kids at
physical and mental agility games.

That's the worst idea
I've ever heard.

It's new ideas.

Well, Millionaire
won't last forever.

Well, we're on the front page
of every newspaper in the world.

It might.

An Army Major, his wife,
and a college lecturer

have gone on trial...

The production staff
became suspicious after they noticed

his answers appeared to follow
coughs from another contestant.

Oh, hello. I believe
we're charged with co-conspiracy.

It's nice to meet you both...
at last.

Snacks? Really?
Yeah, why not?

God, I love
a good ITV courtroom drama.

Where's Paul?

So, 19 coughs that coincide
with the Major changing his mind

or deciding to answer.

All picked up by your mics,
and coming from... where?

Er, they were coming from
the Fastest Finger seats.

Where Mr Whittock was sat.

The man whom Diana Ingram spoke to
the previous evening.

Paying particular attention now
to cough number 14, then.

"Who had a hit UK album with
Born To Do It, released in 2000?

"Coldplay. Toploader.
A1. Craig David".

In case you don't know, I certainly
didn't, the answer's Craig David.

"I think it's A1..."

But it could be Toploader.

Which is also something to do with
a barrel on a rifle.

"I've never heard of Craig David."

And take us through
what we can see here.

Yeah, she appears to be looking over
to the Fastest Finger First seat

where Mr Whittock is.

Diana Ingram, here. Looking over
at Tecwen Whittock, here.

Any coughing at this point?

No, that's, that's part of
the problem, see, Mr Whittock,

or whoever has been coughing,
isn't coughing at this point.

Perhaps, given pop culture tends not
to be a strongest of category for,

um, these kinds of people, er,
maybe he doesn't know the answer.

Meanwhile, Ingram is all set
to plump for the wrong answer.

I think I'm gonna go with A1.

And pause.

Mrs Ingram
looks up in that direction

several times at this point.

What's up there?

So we have these monitors
facing the audience,

so they can watch
what the cameras are recording.

Which means presumably
those monitors occasionally display

Mrs Ingram being filmed? She can
see when she herself is on camera?

Yes. Although that's only when the
mixer cuts to her for the monitors.

She's always being filmed. Hence
why we have this footage of her.

Ah, so,

would someone not au fait with the
inner workings of television editing

perhaps assume that when they are
not on the monitors above them,

they are not being filmed?

After all,
here we have Diana Ingram,

her husband hovering
over the wrong answer,

looking at Tecwen Whittock,

who isn't coughing
on the correct answer,

checking the monitors
to see if she is being filmed,

before this happens.

Now, is this the first and only
time that Diana Ingram coughed?

Yes.

At a moment when the phantom cougher
is no longer "helping".

Regardless, moments later,
the Major reverses his position.

You know, when I'm at home,
um, and I'm practising,

you know, I guess...
I guess wrong 80% of the time.

So...

I think I'm gonna go with
Craig David.

And if that wasn't exactly subtle -
watch this. The piece de resistance!

For £500,000...

"Baron Haussmann is best known
for his planning of which city?

I think it's Berlin.

Your interpretation of that,
Mr Duff?

There is no interpretation.

Someone says "no"
on the wrong answer.

Thank you. Mrs Woodley will now ask
you some questions for the defence.

Hello, Kevin.
Hi.

That tape we were watching.

It was given the name Tape G?

So presumably there were
other tapes, earlier tapes.

Er, yeah, sure, as we kept finding
new evidence with the police.

So help us understand
what we were watching.

That was edited together
by yourself?

The plaintiffs. Celador.

Not the police,
not an independent body?

Well, we've had to find a way
to show the police,

and then you, what, you know...
what happened.

Thank you, Mr Duff.

Mr Whitehurst.

You were a Fastest Finger First
contestant on the Major's show.

And yet you were the only one who
didn't stand to applaud when he won.

Why?

I'd spotted what was going on.
I knew all of the answers, you see.

And on the millionaire question,
and as soon as Ingram said "googol",

I knew it was "googol",

I had Whittock in my eye and I said,
"Don't you dare," and he did.

He coughed.

Plain as day. No question.

Mr Whitehurst.

You didn't formally
raise your suspicions

until after you'd read the story
in the press.

And then when you wrote
to the producers,

but received no reply,
you went to the press yourself.

I thought it... important.

If I was the only one who'd spotted
Mr Whittock coughing.

You said it was as plain as day,
no question.

But in your original statement
you said,

"It is possible that what I saw

"was just an amazing set
of coincidences,"

and that, "The possibility remains

"that I witnessed
no criminal behaviour"

What changed since then to make you
so absolutely certain here today?

Watch the tape!
I'm sat not clapping.

Why, if I didn't know?

Because Fastest Finger First
contestants share a grievance,

don't they, quite often,
in the bar after the show?

About the behaviour of a certain
kind of contestant in the chair?

What do you mean, sorry?
Talkers.

People who take forever
to answer a question.

Thereby denying you the chance
of getting into the seat yourself?

Might that not have created

a certain kind of
arms-folded annoyance?

I object to that, Your Honour.

Okeydokey. Withdrawn.
No further questions.

In the days leading up to the show,

Mrs Ingram engaged in a peculiar
pattern of phone calls

to four particular numbers,
in rotation.

It turns out
these were phone pagers.

We consider this to be the way
they may have tried to cheat

on that first night.

The pagers could have been strapped
to parts of the Major's body.

Buzz the left leg for A,
the right leg for B, and so on.

But Mrs Ingram couldn't
be calling pagers on the night,

she was on camera in the audience.

No. But there was someone else
in the studio that night.

So that...

Excuse me.

So what you are saying
is that plan failed

because Mr Pollock
was unable to call on his phone.

Explaining, perhaps, why the Major
didn't do well on night one.

And yet, on night two,
he came back a genius.

The night Mr Whittock was there
with his tickly cough.

What's the normal procedure
when investigating a more,

I suppose, self-evident crime?

Say, where there is a body at the
scene, and a murder weapon present.

Well, you establish
the cause of death,

bag up the weapon as evidence
to test for fingerprints.

So at what point here did you
"bag up" the evidence.

In this case, a tape recording.
Did you seize it straight away?

Well, no. The, er, the show
kept the tape, because...

well, to use your metaphor,

they needed to add
the fingerprints to it.

Not add them, I mean find them.

The coughs.

So you allowed the murder weapon

to stay with those
making the accusation of murder?

I object.
What is being suggested here?

Some kind of conspiracy?

Not conspiracy,
merely that the sequence

in which the evidence was gathered
in this unusual case was not normal.

Normally when a crime is committed,

the evidence
is gathered from the scene,

and the police investigate
to find the culprits.

But in this instance,
you began with the alleged culprits,

who everyone told you
were oddballs...

..based on a feeling.

And then worked backwards...

I must call for quiet.

Everyone who has a cough,
please go outside.

DS Ferguson? Is that...?

Members of the jury, please!

If I may be allowed to finish...

Order! Order!

Or I shall...

..I shall have to
suspend the session.

I'm sorry. It's just
the pantomime of it all.

I'm embarrassed sometimes,
really am.

No. Ignore it. We do.

It's not going that well, is it?

It's all right.
A game of two halves.

Wait till we get a chance
to fight back.

People are laughing at us.
I really don't know what's worse,

people thinking we're criminals
or idiots.

There are worse things
to be accused of.

Let me ask you this, then.
Why haven't you even mentioned that?

Hm? Your sodding badge,
you think I hadn't noticed?

You've got the press screaming
questions at you day in, day out,

which our opponents are happily
answering to guide the narra...

I don't want to boast about it,
do I?

I don't... It's there,
for all to see. I do it for my...

for myself,
as much as anything else.

Yes, all right, hilarious, coughing!

You get the Nobel Prize for...
comedy.

I don't actually think there is a...

Nobel Prize for comedy,
yes, thank you.

Right.

Come on.

Mummy and Daddy
finished early today,

so we decided we'd pick you up
instead of Grandad.

That's nice, isn't it?

We thought
maybe we'd have pizzas tonight, yum.

Who are they?
Are they friends of yours?

Not any more.

It's going to be all right.
I promise.

Some silly people just think

Mummy and Daddy did that
silly thing, that's all.

Well, did you?

We might need to consider taking
them out of school for a bit maybe.

I don't know, it's..

Then again, if the worst happens...

..we might need to make plans for,
er...

..for prison.
Then we need to think...

Adrian.
Oh, leave it. Please. Leave...

Hello?
Hey. Hi. You OK?

I just wanted to say hello, really.

I'm fine. Can I call you...
'It's just a quick thing, really.'

Er, cos the publisher's
been on at me, you know. Again...

And, er, look, if you do get off,
and you never know, then...

I'm in court every day, Adrian,
I can't think about the book.

OK, OK, OK, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know.

Let's just talk tomorrow.
No, just stop, just stop.

I just need some space, please.
Enough.

Um, can I...
Can I bring you a cup of tea?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Charles.

No. No, no, no. No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Thanks, but no. It's all right.

It's both of us in this together.

That stupid show!

Are we going to go to jail?

No.

I don't know.

But I know that I love you.

No... No asking the audience,
or phoning a friend, I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Mr Tarrant! Mr Tarrant!

I swear by almighty God
that the evidence I shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.

Mr Tarrant,
a pleasure to have you here today.

Well, it's a pleas...

Well, it's not a pleasure,
but thank you.

How would you rate the Major's
performance on that first night?

Has anyone done worse? Has anyone,
say, got the first question wrong?

Uh, no. not here.
Think someone did once in America.

And when you saw the tapes yourself,

you began to think
that something was amiss.

If pushed, sure.
Is that your final answer?

Mr, Tarrant, what information
or guidance do you get

when you're in the chair?

Do you wear an earpiece,
are you hooked up to the show relay?

Er, no, no. No earpiece,
I find them really annoying.

Er, so I'm out there
completely alone. Er, just me...

and the contestant.

I don't know the questions
in advance, no-one does.

They're selected by a computer,
which is secured in a sealed room,

where only two senior producers
are allowed access at any one time.

For each contestant, it generates
a random stack of 15 questions,

that could then be locked.

They're not written on cards
that can be lost, or stolen.

And, er, I don't know the answers
till the contestant says

"final answer" and my screen locks.

So I can't give away any hints
or accidental signs.

Right, so, just for the record,
on the night,

did you hear any suspicious coughing
behind Mr Ingram?

No, I didn't.

Did you notice
anything suspicious at all?

No.

Thank you, Mr Tarrant.

"Tarrant was unaware
of strategic coughing in quiz."

Well, that's not very helpful,
is it?

Well, it's Chris,
he'll say what he likes.

Well, what would you know anyway?
You've not even been at the trial.

I don't know why,
your mind is always there.

Well, to be honest,
the whole thing is one long,

pretty bloody stressful pain
in the arse, I just want it done.

What do you think about a
documentary? Once the trial's over?

Oh, Jesus.

Looks like I don't have a choice.

OK, and so, um,
we thought a new school for a bit,

might take the pressure off.

Urgh! What's that?

OK, girls, upstairs, now.

Buffy! Oh, my God!

She'll be OK.

What happened?
I think somebody accidentally...

..caught him at the front
of the house with a pellet gun

or an air rifle. Accidently.

Is that that coughing
Millionaire dude?

Oh, yeah, very good.
Very funny. All right, all right.

Oi!

How dare you! How dare you!
Hey, hold on.

Do you make a habit
of spitting at people?

You can back off as well.
Oi!

He just spat in my face!
Leave him.

Seen it before.

They go after military men,
it's good sport.

Even when we're engaged in
the most, heavens,

difficult operations
in a generation.

This chap.
Information minister of Iraq.

Becoming an actual TV star,

making the most outrageous
assertions about there being

no allied tanks
outside Baghdad at all.

Say something loud enough,
long enough,

maybe it becomes de facto true.

Yeah. Weapons of mass destruction
hidden in the desert.

Yes, all right, Charles, come along.

The thinking is...
maybe take some time off.

Try to keep your head down,
you know. Yes?

Yes, yeah.

Yes, of course, yeah.
Very, um... Very sensible.

Sorry, sir. Sorry.
No, no, no. It's all right.

You're... You're all right.

Never fear. It's our turn now.

Come on. It's time to turn
this thing around.

Thank you.

Professor Alyn Morice,
specialist in Respiratory Medicine.

An expert on coughing, then.

You've examined Mr Whittock?
Yes.

He suffers from three conditions
that cause chronic coughing.

He tested positive for
perennial rhinitis, hay fever,

and cough variant asthma.

So, for the avoidance of doubt...
Mr Whittock has a cough.

Yes, and one that would be hard
to hide in a hot and dry studio.

So hang on, Mr Whittock is basically
unable to control his cough?

I mean, that's sort of
extraordinary, isn't it?

That Ingram should choose,
as a candidate

to implement an intricate plan
of coughing discreetly

but precisely at specific
times and places,

a man with an uncontrollable cough?

Yes, I suppose it's not ideal.
Thank you, Professor Morice.

No questions, Your Honour.

Mr Whittock.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

wasn't the first show
you appeared on, was it?

Um. No, I've, I've been on...
er, let me see,

Fifteen To One, Sale Of The Century.

And is it fair to say you've
never done astronomically well?

I do OK.
What's the most you've ever won?

Oh, I did win a doggy bed
made of silk on Brain Of Britain.

And on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

1,000.

Were you part of what might be
loosely termed this quiz community?

I enjoyed having a connection
to people of a shared interest, yes.

Now, you didn't have the easiest
of upbringings, did you?

You were born
in a psychiatric hospital,

where your mother was a patient.

Raised in foster homes.

And yet despite all that,
you became a teacher.

And you have a family
of your own now, too.

Yes. Yes.

Would you risk all that?

Are you the third mastermind

in a conspiracy to steal
a million pounds, Mr Whittock?

I would never do anything like that.

I would never cheat.

It's you.

You tricked me.
No, it's not what you think.

I just wanted to meet, all right?
It's not illegal, what we do.

I know.
Those were your weaknesses,

your vulnerabilities
that you left in your own system.

I'm not trying to trap you.

Please, come, come and have a drink.
I tip my hat to you, you beat us.

I just...
I want to know how far you got.

Well, if it's any consolation, we've
started to move on to other shows,

other prizes now.
And I'm... I'm thinking of retiring.

You know, putting a time limit
on answering the call backs?

That was... Well done,
that really knocked us for six.

Thank you.
Fair play.

We realised you were pulling
your new "closest-to" questions

from the National Statistics
database. So we did, too.

Populations, travel,
economic forecasts,

births, deaths and marriages.

And if I only had seven seconds now
to find the answer for my client,

then, well, I just had to train.

Two months of my life,
I didn't leave the house.

And from now on, if a client
would get a call back at home,

they'd just hold up their mobile
so I could hear.

And we did it, I got there.

Seven seconds, and I could find
the right fact in the right place

and relay it back to them
over the phone.

How... How many people
did you get into my chair?

I'd say... hundreds.

Hu...

Hundreds?

If you really wanna know how well
we penetrated your fortress,

I worked out how much prize money
you've given away

throughout the run of the show.

And how much of that
was won by our organisation.

It's at least 10%.

One pound, in every ten...

was you?
Sorry.

Why are you retiring?

Well, in truth,
it's an expensive outfit to run

and it only returns value
if you've got the clients,

and those clients are drying up.

People who devote themselves
to the acquirement of knowledge.

In order to cheat for money.

You might think me a chancer,
Mr Smith,

but I see which way the wind blows.

Google?

For the quizzing fraternity,

we're the artisan weavers
and Google's the power loom.

Yeah. The bottom's falling out
of the truth market, Mr Smith.

So, I'm cashing in my shares
and getting out.

You might want to consider
doing the same.

Oh, maybe I will.

Once these particular clients
of yours are in jail.

Oh, those two?
They weren't clients.

But...
There were hundreds of us, Paul,

everywhere,
without you realising it.

But Charles and Diana Ingram
were never one of ours.

They were never ours.

Mrs Ingram.

What is it about quizzes
that so captivated you?

Captivates you still?
I don't know.

I suppose I like the idea,
in a world of uncertainties,

that... that something can be known.

Calling the four pagers
over and over.

Your explanation for that?

Adrian. My brother.

It was just our way of
keeping in touch after he left.

And I never knew
which one had battery,

so I'd always call all four.

I wanted let him know that
Charles had got on to the show.

And presumably that's why he turned
up at the studio later that night?

He was as big a fan as you. Bigger?

The calls you tried to make outside,
on that first night?

Were to our father.

He's a bigger quiz fan
than any of us.

And he regretted so badly
that he was too weak to come.

Now, the quizzing community have
their own theory about the show,

haven't they?
Oh, yes, well we think, thought,

the producers were trying to keep
people like us off the show.

Not entertaining enough.

So we called it being "chair-wise".

Er, performing for the camera

so you might get easier questions
and they'd keep you there longer.

I object to that, Your Honour.

As Chris Tarrant himself explained,

the questions are locked from
the very beginning by computer.

The point is, Your Honour,

it doesn't matter
if the theory is nonsense or not.

My client thought it was true.

Now, the prosecution has made a lot
of your "suspicious behaviour".

Were you looking at the monitors
to check if you were being watched?

No.

They deliberately seat you so you're
facing the back of your partner.

And so the monitor
is the only way to see them.

You wanted to look at the face
of the man you love.

You helped him prepare, didn't you?

Right, you need to trust me, OK?
Yes, ma'am, dib-dib, dob-dob.

You need to learn to be
more entertaining.

Questions are becoming
more populist. Popular culture.

Adrian says
it's a form of censorship,

to get people like you off quicker.

Which means we'll need to bone up
on that, too, your weakest area.

Sports, soaps, pop.
Oh, hells bells.

Oh, it's just training manoeuvres.
Getting fit.

I believe in you.

It's Steps. No, Sugababes.

No, no, no it's Steps. Steps.

Sugababes.
Sugababes.

♪ I'll be there... ♪

OK, so who's that?
Mr Blobby.

No, Charles.
I don't know. I don't know.

How am I supposed to know that?

In Emmerdale, how did
the following characters die?

Alex Oakwell.
Fell off a roof.

Butch Dingle.
Hit by a bus.

Rachel Hughes.
She, er, was pushed off a cliff.

Elizabeth Pollard.
A plane landed on top of her.

Yes!
Yes!

I know who you are,
the next time I see you...

Oh, it's gone.

'..I'm gonna tan your backside.'
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Um...
'You hear me?'

In the song Seven Days,
what did Craig David do on Tuesday?

He took her for a drink.
And on Wednesday?

I believe
they were making love by then,

and they continued to do so

throughout Thursday and Friday
as well.

And then on Sunday?
They just chilled.

Right!

'There may be trouble ahead,

'but while there's moonlight
and music and love and romance...'

♪ Let's face the music and dance! ♪

♪ Who wants to be a millionaire?
I don't!

♪ Have flashy flunkies everywhere?
I don't!

♪ Who wants the bother
Of a country estate?

♪ A country estate
Is something I'd hate

♪ Who wants to wallow in champagne?
I don't!

♪ Who wants a supersonic plane?
I don't!

♪ Who wants
A marble swimming pool too?

I don't!

♪ And I don't
Cos all I want is you. ♪

If that's true, all this
training, why didn't it work?

You forgot who Craig David was!

I guess... it just wouldn't go in.

Everyone always said,
"Why did you...

"Why did you struggle
on the easy questions

"and sail through the hard ones?"
And, um...

Well, the easy ones were hard to me,
and, um, the hard ones...

they just got easier.

But on Craig David.

Why?

Why did you change your answer
from A1?

Well, you can hear it. Listen.
You can hear the gasp.

I think I'm gonna go with A1.

One of Diana's best tips.
Always listen to the audience.

If you're found guilty, you'll be
decommissioned from the army...

face certain bankruptcy,
possible prison sentence.

People have attacked your house,
slashed your tyres, shot your dog.

And "cough, cough, cough",
everywhere you go.

Why did you put yourself
through all that? For a game.

I didn't.

Because I didn't cheat.

So what did you do?

I just... tried to be...
entertaining.

And to get the questions right.

And to do my wife proud.

Take the book in your left hand and
read aloud from the card, please.

I swear by almighty God...

Mr Smith.

Thank you for joining us today.

Is it fair to say you took a while
to be convinced yourself,

about this coughing theory?

Yes. I wanted to give the Major
the benefit of the doubt.

Um, but as soon as you
begin watching, and listening...

Once you are told there are coughs,
it's hard to unhear them.

So these are 19 coughs
that you isolated,

that occurred
on the correct answers.

Do you know how many there
were in total that night?

192.

There were 192 coughs
picked up on that recording

from all over the place.

Only they didn't fit the narrative,
so they were left out.

You left them out
of the famous Tape G.

Just edited, and re-edited,
like a memory,

it's constantly changing.

We have to present to you
what happened somehow,

on... in... in some form.

Yes, but this is your version
of what happened.

The jury are looking
where you want them to look.

The moment, for instance,
when Mrs Ingram's coughing.

Now, that's not an accident that
that's picked up on the master tape.

That is a choice.

It is a creative choice
made by those who are editing it.

The volume of the 19 is raised,
as you've acknowledged,

but if wanted the jury to hear them
at their original volume,

well, I couldn't, could I?

Because your version
is now the only version of events.

They had to be isolated

in the way that the Major
would have heard them,

if he was listening out for them
to replicate the experience.

Why don't you suspect Judith Keppel,
the first millionaire, of cheating?

Why would I?
Good question.

I will now play
the Judith Keppel tape.

If you wouldn't mind
turning to the television.

For £2,000 between Keppel
choosing the right answers,

and committing to the final answer:

On his legs.

'Why would he put
his chaps on his legs?'

To stop his legs getting rubbed.

A cough. Similarly,
on the £4,000 question:

I think it's Aquarius.

What are you?
What's your star sign?

A cough. Again,
a cough on the £8,0000 question.

And the £64,000 question.

And on the 500,000.
And on the million.

Now, I don't think she cheated.
You don't.

Why do you think the Major cheated?

I know this game...

..and I know how normal people
play it.

And the Major did not play it
normally, I could tell immediately.

Oh, really? What time did you arrive
at the studio that night?

It was, um...

Well, OK, it was at the very end.
I didn't actually see him play live.

Oh, so you arrived
late at the studio,

you were told
that something was wrong.

And you have pursued this doggedly
ever since.

That's unfair.

Suspicions were raised.

I called the police
and handed it over to them.

They investigated,
and they decided to charge them.

And the jury will find them innocent
or guilty, that's up to them.

It's not personal.
Well, of course...

Of course it's personal.

This was my show.

It was my life.

And believe it or not,
it mattered to me.

The people who enjoyed it.

And the people trying to ruin it.

I see.

Could you explain, then, the one
gaping hole in this whole theory.

Could you explain the 18 minutes
between the Craig David question

and the Baron Haussmann question,

when there are no
significant coughs?

Well, because Mr Whittock
didn't need to cough

on those other questions.
Why not?

Well, because the Major
knew the answer to those questions.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, then,
my final, final question,

and this is just
a tiny little thing.

How did Tecwen Whittock
know that Charles Ingram,

a man he'd never met,
never communicated with...

So how did he know
that Charles knew those answers,

and that he didn't need to cough?

I don't know.

But I know that he cheated.

I'm sorry for everything they've
gone through, nobody wanted that.

But whether it's coughing,
or blinking, or pagers, I know it.

I know it.

He came on my show, and he cheated.

Have you ever heard of this little
thing called "confirmation bias"?

When an assumption
sinks into the brain,

it rearranges and reorganises
all facts to support the assumption.

Like on the show relay.

People, suspicious of a man from
a strange family, talking together.

Something's weird.

On a loop.

He's a real dodgy one.

Yeah, I think this guy's cheating
as well.

Now might that not have created
a shared fiction,

which then everyone in the studio

subconsciously began to
distort reality to match?

Isn't it strange that the only
person not hooked up onto the loop,

Chris Tarrant,

is the only person
not to have suspected a thing?

We're all guilty of it.
We do it every day of our lives.

We adjust the world,
and all the information,

in order to
navigate our way through.

Take Mr Whittock's alleged cough.

"No," for example,
which, incidentally,

could have come from
any one of those contestants,

any one of those microphones.

It's just someone on hearing the
Major hovering over a wrong answer,

muttering quite naturally
to themselves, "No".

Raised to such a volume
on the master tape,

it made you all guffaw
at how obvious it was,

yet on the night, the two people
who sat either side of Mr Whittock,

they didn't hear him say it.

The man who sat opposite the Major,
Chris Tarrant,

he didn't hear him say it.

The 250 people
in the studio audience,

none of them - none of them -
when asked, heard him say it.

Yet miraculously the Major did?

A man who couldn't possibly know the
answer to those questions, right?

Not a man
with a degree in engineering

who knows what mega and a nano is.

A man who was accepted into Mensa

among the cleverest people
in the country,

only he's too modest
to mention it to anyone

so pinned a badge on his lapel,
and hoped some of you might notice.

We are told he's a man
who got carried away by a game.

Not a level-headed UN Peacekeeper

who rescued men
from the battlefields of Bosnia.

No, you're being asked to believe
that he and his wife cooked up

a conspiracy on a phone call
which lasted eight minutes

with a stranger they'd never met
to cough their way to a million

with an accomplice
with a diagnosed cough.

The fact is,

it will be entirely impossible
to categorically prove

that Charles Ingram did not know
the answers to those questions.

Because we cannot get inside here.

His head.

We just can't know.

And therefore you cannot find him
guilty beyond reasonable doubt.

On the charge of

procuring the execution
of a valuable security by deception,

do you find the defendant,
Tecwen Whittock,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

On the same charge, do you find
the defendant, Diana Ingram,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

On the same charge, do you find
the defendant, Charles Ingram,

guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

This has been a most unusual
and exceptional case.

Frankly, one is hard-pressed
to find anything

about the circumstances of this case
that is not exceptional.

A crime of this nature
normally carries with it

a sentence of a significant
number of years in prison.

I sentence you to 18 months
in prison, suspended for two years.

So that's it? We're free to go?

If we're guilty,
why aren't we going to jail?

Well, maybe these days, justice
just has to be "seen" to be done.

More than it actually has to be.

Don't question it.

Go and live your lives.

I'll have to resign my commission.

It's all right. It doesn't matter.

It does matter. It matters to me.
It's who I am.

What did Chris Tarrant say
at the end of the show?

"What a man. Quite an amazing man".

Are you ready?

I have got nothing to say, guys.
Really.

There's nothing more to say.

And my newspaper
is prepared to pay £675,000

for you to confess to us
exclusively.

I think, er, just the photo.
Thanks.

Big smile.

'A Martin Bashir documentary
on the "Coughing Major"

'received a record breaking
audience for ITV.'

The highest-rated factual programme,
since the funeral of Princess Diana.

'..Tony Blair is blaming the IRA.'
Come on. Time for bed.

Yep, up in a sec.

So, come on, then.
What's the answer?

After all that.

Tell us. It's killing me.